Undergraduate / "Asian Americans and the glass ceiling" - Prompt #1 UC APPL [4]

Good afternoon :)

I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and included some general suggestions also:

"For over 200 years, Asian Americans have been denied equal rights, had their rights revoked, and faced harassment and hostility in a country that is known for its freedom. At his inaugural speech, President Bill Clinton stated that "T he divide of race has been American's constant curse. Each new wave of immigrant gives new target to old prejudices." Hearing this quote for the first time made me realize that I knew nothing about my heritage, about the history of my people and about their experience in the United States. Although my high school did not offer Asian American s tudies, I decided to become more involved in the Asian American community in order to learn about the history that is left untold. As a result, the rich cultural heritage and the neglected history of Asian Americans have sparked my interest to further pursue a major in Asian American studies ."

"...every since..." do you mean "ever" since?

Also, you could expound upon what you gained from your involvement with this group, as that really should be a focal point of your paper. Otherwise, I think it's a great response to the prompt. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Research paper on Poe's "Ligeia" [4]

Good evening :)

As long as your real information is listed in your member profile, the piece will turn up as yours and there won't be any plagiarism issues.

To avoid summary, try not to use quotation or summarizing the text more than you have to. Also, it may help to assume that your audience is as familiar with the text as you are, so you don't have to go into so much background detail. Also, try to use more interpretive language like "Seemingly..." or "Since..." this will also help you get away from telling-us-the-story-in-different-words :)

Let's take this part, for example:

"The narrator barely realizes her death as it comes about, as if her life were fleeting and death were silent.What makes you think this?It is as if she welcomes death, and it is hardly surprising, considering her husband's hatred toward her and the oppressive atmosphere of her living conditions.This is analytical; good job.This is a great difference between the two women. Ligeia struggles to live, saying that only those with "feeble wills" yield to the angels, to death."This is also analytical; keep it up!

As to format, double check the requirements for your required citation style. For further examples, try typing in the name of the citation style and then the keyword "examples." For instance, "MLA citation examples."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / In search of an Epigraph for an essay on Poe's "Ligeia" [3]

I think the one from Antoin e de Saint-Exupery is more fitting for what you describe. Which do you like better?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Two short answers; How did you first learn of Smith College / why this College? [3]

Good evening :)

It is absolutely find to use the website reference, since that is where you found out about the institution.

In regards to the second prompt, watch your comma use:

"Smith College, with its strong academics and numerous research opportunities, attracted me even before my senior year. I have been looking for a fostering environment and a personal experience in college, something more than meeting new people and studying harder. I am also interested in the sciences and I discovered that Smith College has one of the best science and engineering programs in the nation. Programs such as Praxis and the Five College Consortium were particularly appealing. Therefore, I think Smith College can fulfill my penchant for the sciences and present me with a wonderful college environment and intimate relationships."

Great answers to the questions!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UNC essay - the result of my curiosity [4]

Ah, I didn't catch it the first time! Thanks!

I think this is a great answer to the prompt; you clearly discuss the event, and why it was unexpected. You use great details and it is easy to read. I think it's a very good piece.

Poetry / 5 senses poem - tropical beach [5]

Good evening :)

I think this is a great five senses poem; you include them all, and it is descriptive. The great thing about poetry is that it is very interpretive, so there really aren't any boundaries!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "the school varsity tennis team" - Prompt #2 [7]

That is really up to you; since it is your story, it is up to you to decide what is important about it and what isn't so much. Think about what you really want to impart to your audience, and then remove the parts that don't relay that message.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Faq, Help / Turnitin website - originality report [15]

Yes; the teacher enters your paper, or sections of it, into the website and it scans the web for copies. You can see it for yourself and (you used to be able to anyway) try it once for free to see how it works: turnitin.com. Copyscape.com works the same way, and it is another favorite; you can have 10 scans for free.

Regards,
Gloria

Research Papers / alien argumentation research paper [7]

Good evening :)

What about mass hysteria, or other phenomena that could explain how large groups of people claim to have shared the same un-provable experience?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Gained social, intellectual, or cultural differences" - UM Diversity [4]

You're very welcome. The content looks good to me; you answer the prompt and it is easy to read. I think it is a fine answer.

Keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'my grades did not meet my standards' - University of California PROMPT #2 [3]

Good evening :)

First, avoid using symbols in your formal academic writing; "&" should be spelled out.

"...instead I made it a challenge for myself..."

Other than that, I think it looks good; it answers the prompt, is well-organized, and is easy to read. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Report on whether to diagnose a 6 year old boy who may have autism [2]

Good evening :)

I have edited the first two sections of your piece and also given some general comments as well:

"According to Kanner (1943) autism is a syndrome and people with this syndrome have an ability to make sense of or engage normally with everyday events and situations. Within the Autisticspectrum disorderWhy is "Autism" capitalized here and not above? Why isn't the rest of the syndrome's title capitalized? Unless it's a proper noun or the first word of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. different perspectives and disciplines are embraced to seek understanding for support and treatment. This report aims to provide a brief review of the autistic spectrum and come to a conclusion of the diagnosis and treatment that should catered to a 6-year-old boy. Further to this weWho is "we"? How many people have co-authored this paper? will assist the family with different approaches of support to allow them to deal with this possible issue.

Firstly, it has to be said that as of yet there is currently no known 'cure'This should have double quotation marks (") not the single apostrophe (') for autism. This does not mean, however, that nothing can be done for a person or in this case a child with autism. SoAvoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and." what weWho is "we"? How many authors does this paper have? need to focus on first is an accurate diagnosis so we understand the nature and implications of Ben's problem Who is "Ben?" . Once we have come to this we can focus on the appropriate support and care we need to deal with this problem. Using the diagnostic approach we would look at particular psychological symptoms and behaviours that group together that form identifiable syndromes; in this case autism."

Use my suggestions and corrections above to look through the rest of your paper for other instances where similar errors should be changed.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Been a student, but not a teacher" -Common app short question 156 to 150 [5]

Good evening :)

"Teaching the Bible to middle school students is challenging because of their incessant talking and the mere aspect of me, a student, teaching other students. At times, teaching becomes an arduous task: some students do not respect teachers and some never listen."

"This valuable experience has taught me the importance of being sincere as a good role model and the fulfilling reward of being a teacher."

Other than that, I wouldn't change anything! Great work!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; COMPUTERS REPLACE MAN POWR IN JOBS [3]

Good evening :)

I have edited one section of your essay and included some general comments as well:

"One example of a job that was replaced by the availability of technology or computer to the public is the reservation and ticketing officers of travel agencies and airlines. YouAvoid using "you" in formal academic writing; instead, try "me," "I," or "one." can now see the availability of your intended travel dates online, make the reservation, know the price of the ticket you want to purchase, and pay conveniently with your credit card and you'reAvoid contractions in formal academic writing;this should be "you are" again; avoid using "you." all done. You even have the choice of printing your own ticket or just picking it up at the airport the day of your departure. ButAvoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and." of course, there would still be several customers that prefer to talk with an agent in completing their purchase of a ticket. They may have several reasons to it but then maybe they are just comfortable dealing with a human being than a computer."

Use these suggestions and look carefully through the rest of your piece to see if there are other instances that could use correcting.

In regards to content, I think this is a great example and you explain it very well. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "The special interest group"; what do you think? - considering civil engineer B.S [12]

Good evening :)

I think you could still use the sentence you have now, but the title of the group should be properly capitalized. "The Special Interest Group."

"There, everyone started his work while I" his should be their because you are speaking of them as a group.

Avoid contractions in formal academic pieces; "won't" should be "will not."

Much better! Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Why do you want to study abroad? Is this SoP ok for M.Sc. Pet. Engrg? [9]

Good evening :)

In regards to content, I think this is a very effective SOP. You explain why you want to study abroad, and give very detailed examples. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'crowded, polluted, noisy place' - a new high school may be built in the neighborhood [5]

Good evening :)

Please review the comments I have made previously on your pieces in relation to this one, as they apply here as well.

I have edited the first paragraph:

"Nowadays people are interested in education, the foundation of high school. Investors are interested in building a new high school because education is a synonym of the word demand, and the government is interested in building a new high school because a good educated generation is the future of the country, as in both situations as concerns result will be building new high schools everywhere where it is necessary.Please clarify; I don't understand what you mean here. "

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I learnt to be positive" - UC prompt [2]

Good evening :)

I think this is a great topic and answers the prompt very well. You describe the situation, your life before, and the person you are as a result of it. I think this is a great piece. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "a spiritual change to impact others" - UC Prompt 2 [3]

Good evening :)

How does one's personality become scared? Please explain this further, as your audience might not understand what you mean.

Instead of "surrounding," do you mean "surroundings?" Go back through your piece and look for other situations like this one; there are many. For instance, "Thing I commonly ignored..." should be "Things I commonly ignored..."

One doesn't gain a new perspective of life, they gain a new perspective on life.

You should explain further this spiritual change in which you impact others through; this would further develop the part of the prompt asking your to elaborate on how this event relates to the person you are now.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Born and raised in Abu Dhabi" - UC prompt 1 - Off topic?? Advice needed. [18]

Good evening :)

"With years of hard word, this organization now combines project management, technical feasibility studies, general contracting, MEP contracting, and general maintenance making it one of the most developing organizations and best reputation in the country." Do you mean, "hard work?"

Go back through and read your piece carefully, looking for other errors such as this.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC essay prompts 1&2- "The Jaws of Life" Any Critique would be appreciated! [4]

Good evening :)

I have edited your first paragraph and have also included some general comments:

"I would have said that I had hit the ground running, except for the fact that I was rolling. Taxiing toward British Airways gate A-17 at the Tom Bradley International Terminal, LAX. The familiar sweet aroma of smog and duty-free retail shopw was enough to jolt the senses of any native-born southern-Californian upon his return from a long dark nap on the other side of the world. I was home all right, whether I liked it or not. I had survived rock n' roll. I had beaten cancer. I had been pulled up from out of the python-grip of a seemingly unending depression and a deluge of self-addiction. There was however, for the first time since early childhood, a sense of the possible, a palpable awareness of optimism and belief. The questions of why and what it all meant would have to wait for now. What mattered most was what lay ahead just beyond the exit doors at the top of the ramp. I had been given another shot at getting it right and this time I intended to make the most of it. There was just one problem: I needed a lift home from the airport first."

Using my corrections and suggestion above (what few there are!) look through the remainder of your piece for other areas similar that should be corrected.

In regards to content, your response is a great answer to the prompt. It is very organized, flows well, and is easy to read. Great work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / essay for the Pratt (plesase revise the grammar) [2]

Good afternoon :)

I have corrected the first piece of your essay and included some general suggestions:

"The difference between other kids and I/mewas thatWho? were watching Charles Chaplin's movies and going to exhibitions or watching educational video and listening peers. On account of my parents, who work in the movie industry and hold exhibitions regularly, it was very natural for me to beexposed to art and get interest in it. For this reason, my parents knew that I will be a part of them. "What does this mean?

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

Use my comments and corrections from above to look through the rest of your piece and look for other areas that should be corrected.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Accounting research paper - any (advanced) topic - but easy as possible! [2]

Good afternoon :)

What about doing a piece on IRC Sec. 651; trusts? I wrote a piece on that not too far back, and something along those lines might work. You could discuss it's pros and cons, when it would come in handy and how to get around its loopholes; maybe even create your own fictitious example.

Or, what about auditing? There are usually all kinds of news articles about audits of large companies and you could use one for the basis of your paper.

What about managerial accounting and methods such as the specific identification method or the average-cost or weighted-average-cost method; you could create a fictitious business and then walk through the ins and outs of the different methods, creating fake books and scenarios for your company.

Then, there's always the study death-tax issues. Always dependable :)

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "young teenagers" - UC prompt 1- does this work? [2]

Good afternoon :)

I have edited one section of your piece and then given some general comments as well:

"I am prone to mistakes; I am not perfect or a genius. Mistakes are unpredictable, theyBecause "mistakes" is plural.come when I least expect them and at the worst times, but when they do occur I am always prepared to take themHow can you be prepared for the unpredictable? Please explain further. on. No matter how small and insignificant or large and annoying the mistake, I will always persevere. Like a really long physics equation, one mistake can ruin the whole problem. I would not be franticlySpelling erasing my work that was so meticulously scribbled down but would be calmly assessing the damage done to my paper. I'm not sure what your tense is for this piece; please make sure you are sticking to only one throughout.Even though it was already midnight, I would try diligently to find my errors. Even if it takes forever to figure out the problem I always attempt to come up with a solution to my mistakes.Tense?The mistakes that are made by me can come at the worst times, but when it does happen I am always prepared for the long fight.This is repetitive; either rewrite or remove. "

In regards to content, I'm not really sure what the focus of your essay is because it is very long-winded and meandering. Also, you didn't include the prompt, sp I am not sure whether or not your essay answers it.

Regards, Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Animation career - Essay Question (how to begin and topics to cover) [2]

Good afternoon :)

Since you didn't include the prompt, all I can really do at this point is give you some general suggestions to get started with.

I suggest you begin with a rough outline, not right off with the introduction. After all, how are you to write an in introduction to a paper that you haven't written yet?

List all of the main topics you absolutely want to discuss in the paper, followed by one interesting fact, detail, or other supporting information for each point. Once you have the content you want, then you can write a rough conclusion reiterating the main points you discussed in the body.

Once you have all of that completed, the introduction will be much easier. You can find a catchy way to lead your readers into the paper you have already written.

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I am the youngest of eight children" - Prompt 1 essay Help in title [2]

Good afternoon :)

I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and also included some general comments:

"My siblings begin their day at five o'clock in the morning and work under harsh labor conditions. This inspires me to attend a university because I want a better life. I want to achieve my goal of becoming a mechanical engineer. I do not want to work in a job for the rest of my life and not enjoy doing it. Enjoying work and looking forward to taking on challenges in a job is what I define as " success." My siblings regret not getting a higher education. They motivate me by implanting the importance of schooling because they would not want to see me work hard for a low wage. Having these examples from my siblings inspires me to make good decisions. I do not want to make the same mistakes as they did. Seeing how my family backs me up in attending a university builds my confidence, believing I can achieve it."

In regards to content, I believe this piece is an adequate response to the prompt. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UIUC essay - Child Education Work [2]

Good afternoon :)

I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and included some general comments:

"My GrandfatherAs this isn't a proper noun it shouldn't be capitalized. had a firm belief in this and also spent his last years teaching poor children of a nearby village. I always looked up to him and wanted to follow his footsteps. Luckily I got this opportunity in the twelfth grade. A street children's school had just started in my community and needed volunteers. I readily went forward to help them.

Coming from a semi-developed country, I realized that the root cause of poverty is the lack of proper education. In the beginning I thought that it would be difficult for me to get enough time to teach the students, but once I started teaching them, I found immense satisfaction and time. Until now I always thought that it would be me who would have to teach them worldly things, but I was proved wrong."

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "don't" should be "do not."

Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

Make sure you are properly using commas. For instance, "...given me, like education, shelter and clothes. I have..." should be "...given me, like education, shelter, and clothes. I have..."

In regards to content I believe this piece is an adequate response to the prompt.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A time when you tried something for which you had no talent. Essay. [4]

Good afternoon :)

I just ran your piece through both Mozilla and Word, and they both picked up at least one error; make sure you run the entire piece through, especially the second paragraph.

It is up to you whether or not you use this piece for another prompt; as I don't know what your prompt would be/is, it will be difficult for me to say. Make sure that you tailor the piece enough so that it acknowledges every facet of the prompt if you do choose to use it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / sentence structure question [13]

Good afternoon :)

All three of these sentences make sense and are coherent. As far as mechanics, there are a couple of errors:

"Just like your father... a manager, huh? It's good that you'll do business as usual!" (And just think I had considered, many years ago, art as a career option...)

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The importance of the attachment in infancy - Short question... [6]

Good afternoon :)

I think if you can explain this issue's importance to you and its significance in the greater scheme of things within your word limitations, it would make a very good essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "born in Salinas, California" - application essay [2]

Good afternoon :)

I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and made some general comments as well.

"I was born in Salinas, California and I am an only child. It was not easy growing up because most of the time I was by myself and had very few friends. I grew up a very quiet and timid person. It has hard growing up because I did not have close friends in which I could talk to. My first year in high school was a very hard year for me. I did not have many friends and I was mostly by myself.This is very repetitive; rewrite so it is not redundant. As time went by, I started making new friends but I was still the same quiet and timid person. This past summer, I worked at a theme park. The experience that I had changed me in a way. I made a lot of new friends and I was not that same quiet and timid person that I was before. I had more self confidence and did not feel alone anymore."

"...care of me. They have given me..."

The rest of the piece looks very good. Nice job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A stem cell and genetic biologist - UC prompt 1 [4]

Good afternoon :)

I think your piece is great; the content is well organized and answers the prompt, and it is grammatically and mechanically clean. Great work! Turn it in!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Telling the truth is not a best option always [5]

Good morning :)

I think I'd probably give it a low C right now, as it is without the corrections. I think it is appropriate to ask a question as long as you answer it, or acknowledge it further in the text. If possible, I suggest using an example that pertains to the topic subject in each paragraph.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Are self-published books worth giving reviews on? [2]

Good morning :)

Not all of the time. My experience has been that many self-published books are very specifically academic in nature, and that is why they are passed up by large publishing houses; also, many authors want to retain all control over their work, so they opt for self-publication. One of the best examples I can think of in regards to an extremely specialized work not really suited for the largest majority of readers is David C. Wyncoop's "Children of the Sun: A History of the Spokane Indians." This is a fantastic text, priceless to me in my area of literary specialization, but probably wouldn't have a very large following required by many large publishing firms. This doesn't reflect on the text though; in this instance the content was by far more credible than other texts I found in the field, and Wyncoop published it himself.

I think that any great critic will seek out great literary works wherever they are hidden, not just be a puppet for a large publishing house.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Ping pong is serious business" - common app essays [9]

You're very welcome.
I think your tone comes across just fine; I wouldn't worry too much about misunderstandings. Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Faq, Help / Turnitin website - originality report [15]

Good morning :)

Many institutions do use systems such as turnitin.com to check for plagiarism.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

As long as your correct contact information is included in your member profile, you should be fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / 'greatly influenced'; Statement of Purpose, Graphic Design MFA [3]

Good afternoon :)

Your content is excellent. You are organized, the piece is well constructed, flows well, and is easy to read. I think you fully develop your topics in each sentence, so it seems like you have a lot of information covered here.

My suggestions fall into the mechanical/grammatical category. Make sure you are properly using commas. For instance, "As a student I studied, painting, drawing, and other fine arts..." Make sure you are placing a comma after each item in your list; there are several instances in this piece where commas are missing between items in the series.

paintings entitled " Skin." Working with...

Otherwise, this looks like a very adaptable piece. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "The special interest group"; what do you think? - considering civil engineer B.S [12]

Good afternoon :)

I'm a little confused as to your first sentence; please clarify it because a confusing first sentence can really hurt the rest of your essay.

I think you use a good example as an answer to the prompt, but I think you could make a stronger correlation as to how this experience relates to the person you are now. It has got your interest, but is that all? What other effects has it had on you?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'the only other Indian-American' - Common App Admission [4]

Thanks for clarifying; it helps.

I think the piece flows very well. It is nicely organized, uses smooth transitions, and is easy to read. The only thing that concerns me is in the last paragraph; who is "he?" Why are you using third person all of a sudden?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com