Undergraduate / "Sunny Side Up" -- Rice Perspective Essay [8]

Hi.

This has to be one of the best essay I have read in this forum so far. I truly admire people who is able to see the value of simple things in life, and you have done it. It just feels great when someone talk about the things that are close to them.

You have a very unique topic here, going back to the traditional to experience something that you find enjoyable. You use the topic of egg to explore your appreciation for your own culture, which is very appropriate. If you cannot appreciate your own culture, what rights do you have appreciating the culture of others? The flow of the essay is really good, until it gets to the end of the paragraph where you start with


.

I think I am missing something here, this looked a bit strange to me, like popped of out nowhere. However, if you believe that you can justify this, then ignore me.


Overall, this essay is really well written!

G L~

Undergraduate / "passion and emotion on the basketball court", Common APP Essay! (A hero in disguise) [4]

Hi.

You have chosen to write about a pretty special character, and I would say that it is an eye catcher.

You have described how D-Wade came back from a 2-0 deficit and how you have improved your grades over these years. However, the way D-Wade win basketball and the way you have decided to work hard seemed to have little in common except your epiphany that


, which did not come from D-Wade.


mm clarify this a bit, I don't get this sentence here.


Do you have to say this?

If a person has influenced you, you need to show which aspect of him has inspired you to become a greater person. D-Wade won basketball games, so what? What qualities did you see in him? How have those qualities inspired you?

Despite that, the images you use are pretty funny. I lol when you say you want to throw flying fists at your parents friend.

G L~

Undergraduate / The person whose trait has influenced me the most is My Father [7]

Hi.

I am really glad that you are making so much progress. This essay flows significantly better than the original one. However, there are still rooms for improvement.


So, what have you determined to do? How has your father's quality influenced your decision? Or at least, share with us what you have learned from your father's quality that you have reflected in your own life. This essay focus primarily on your father and what he has done as a kid, but I think you need to make yourself the focus.

Keep working, you are making good progress. =D

G L~

Btw, the sentence that I have quoted is really long.

He inspired me to be determined in whatever I want to do, to never relent in my efforts and to never take challenges as obstacles, but as stepping stones to my own success.

Undergraduate / "volunteering in a prominent local hospital," 150 WORDS COMMON APP ESSAY [12]

Hi.

If it has to be an 150 word essay, I think it may not be wise to include two activities because it makes both of these activities seem random. You may want to focus on one of the event, really elaborate on the experience and then talk about what you have learned. It is difficult connect your experience to what you have learned without having an understanding of what you have done.

G L~

Undergraduate / Ideal Beauty-Undergrad admission [4]

Hi.

Your style reminds me of the days when I was writing argumentative essays. You essay has a clear purpose, the language and flow are perfect, examples and quotations are appropriate. Everything in your essay shows what makes great argumentative essays great.

However, I feel that this essay lacks your own understanding of the situation. Fat girls, skinny girls, low self-esteem girls, happy girls, sad girls, they are all not you. Since this is a personal essay, I think it would be a good idea to add your own experience somewhere. Explain how you are affected by the media and how you want to overcome the problem will be much stronger than what you think others should think and do.

Your language is really good!

G L~

Undergraduate / My interest in business, Common App Essay comparison between the two [5]

Haha, both your essays are really very interesting reads. The first talk about the problems you have discovered and you ambition to overcome the problems while the second talk more about your general view on ethical differences. The topic is kind of heavy, but the way you transition between light and heavy tones is really well done. It just flow so naturally without trying to force super strong emotions from the readers. This is the kind of essay that will deliver the message across. Your language is excellent in general.

However, if you want to use the second essay, you need to make "you", instead of Asian Americans in general, the topic. Even though it is interesting, the second essay lack your own view to the problems on the society nowadays. If you are wondering, I am talking about the fourth paragraph where you spend a good paragraph explaining other people's life, which is not needed. Spend one sentence to talk about them while the rest to elaborate on your own thoughts will probably be better.

I really like the way you talk about the real problem face by people that you care about, instead of making random claims about how hard you life is without supporting details or trying to build castles in the air. If you think this is what really matters, go ahead and show it. Good schools will see your potential, accept your believes and help you to achieve what you want to become.

G L~

Undergraduate / The person whose trait has influenced me the most is My Father [7]

Hi.

You father is definitely an awesome person! However, you need to show, aka describe in detail what he has down that has an impact on you, instead of listing down all his awesome personalities in full glory!


This sentence is bad! Everything in front of "but" is grammatically sound, but you cannot introduce your father just like that because he is special enough that he deserves to be placed in another sentence!

There are a lot of other sentence that need to be separated as well, like this one:


It is often hard to writing about someone who has been with all your life without resisting the urge to write down everything that he deserve. But writing everything about him in such a short essay is unfair to him, cuz it does not show how he present himself as the great person that you have described. Instead, focus on one thing, get one topic, and show his personality, and more importantly, how it has influenced you to become the person you want to be.

G L~

Undergraduate / The National Honors Society president: Common app "additional info" HELP [4]

Hi.

I think this is a pretty neat piece of work given the word limit. Michael has made correction to your grammar, other than that it is good.


It might be a bit controversial but I think instead of comparing your own passion to those of your friends', I suggest you elaborate more about how and why you want to help the people and what does it mean for you. You are a very charitable person, I probably have never done such thing before. lol

G L~

Undergraduate / distinguished academics coupled with exuberant traditional school spirit, Ohio [4]

Hi.

You grammar aspect of your essay is good: appropriate vocabulary, nice sentence structure and variation. Reading your essay is not boring.

However, there are too many things you are trying to say. This essay is already so short, so I don't think it is a good idea to introduce other topics (Like Ivy league schools) in to it. When your reader finish reading your essay, what do you want them to know? What is the real aspect of OSU that attracts you?

Like Ershad said, you mention vaguely about the architecture course. Elaborate on that course, tell them why do you want to be a designer or something, so that they know what to do to help you achieve your ambition.

G L~

Undergraduate / "A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay [8]

Hi.

I'll say the second essay is slightly better, but there is ample room for improvements.

The opening imagery talks about the kind of world you lived in. Great, but how does this experience relate to your dream of becoming a business person? If there is any connection, I am sorry, I have miss it, and I guarantee you, so will the admission officer who is reading ten thousand essays each day.


Reading this I am thinking that you want to become a policeman.

But still, I have to say, this is the direction you want to be going. Ask yourself questions, why do you want to do business? Which experience has shaped your ambition? Not that I am totally ignorant what you are trying to say (in the second essay), but the connection is just not there. This is a testament to your own communication skills, and communication skills are highly valuable wherever you go.

Something like this will probably do the trick: Why are these people doing this on the street? Why is this kind of event so prevalent in my country? Then I realize, everyone is fighting for their own survival due to their financial difficulties, and the lack of job opportunities will lead inevitably to people forcefully taking over of other people's possession.

Yah, you see my paragraph sucks, but can you see there's something business in there? Language cues like "lack of job opportunities, financial difficulties" will hint to your reader that you have the business sense and are interested enough to care about it. Make your essay flow, get the thesis straight, enjoy the writing process, cuz you are writing your heart out. At the end of the essay, you should not be feeling, "argh I finally got this shit down", but "danm, why can't I write more? But it is okay, I have written everything there's needed to be there, the idea is clear."

G L~

Undergraduate / "The study abroad program really caught my attention" -essay for transfering to UT [7]

Hi.

First of all, I think you have an interesting life. I have never been home schooled and hardly know what it is like. It must take a lot of drive and interest to succeed.

Back to the essay. You have provided a broad background of your life since you are a child. Thus, I'd say that this statement lacks the focus, or a thesis, that is crucial to every essay. Thesis is the backbone of an essay, I would rather not say a thesis statement, because people will think of it as a sentence. Thesis is an idea that you want to convey through your essay. I 'd like to question you that I personally use to question myself before writing: After my readers have read my essay, I want them to know that...??

To me, your second paragraph is the most crucial part in this essay. Maybe try to elaborate on that more. Talk about Why you want to teach children, is there any connection to your own childhood?


Why do you love to teach them? What makes you good at it?


Why bilingual? Is it because you met someone who can't speak English well, and you felt the need to learn his language? What language is that?

Grammar wise, your essay is great.

G L~

Undergraduate / My mother is my courage, inspiration, and hero. [7]

Hi.

The grammar is perfect.


mmm, not sure how these are related to your essay. Did your mother influenced you? If yes you need to state it somewhere.

Personally I am a big fan of narrative, so I'd really like to see how it will turn out if you write narrative.


How did you know? show us.

Your mum is awesome.

G L~

Undergraduate / interest in and knowledge of solar energy: what you find intellectually engaging [4]

Hi.

Your essay is full of energy and enthusiasm. I was smiling while reading it. lol


I love this line!


FINALLY SOMEONE REALIZE THIS!


...that have made great investments...

G L~

Undergraduate / "A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay [8]

Hi.

You are doing something very dangerous here: denouncing your current institution openly is never a good idea. If I am the admission officer, I will probably be thinking: if you cannot appreciate your current school, how are you going to appreciate us? No matter how suck your current institution, or life is, try to look positive, and you will discover something unexpectedly awesome. To be honest, this essay shows that you are not ready at all to go to a better place.

There are some ambiguity regarding the kind of "challenge" you want. You talk vaguely about wanting to become the best person you can ever be. So, envision yourself in 10 years, where will you be standing then? What kind of things will you be doing? Tell them, so that they know how to help you. Reiterating you grades will give an impression that you do not know what else to talk about.

As for grammar and style, they are excellent.

I truly hope that you find your vision.

G L~

Undergraduate / 'Twister and Spinner' - Supplement Essay . note to a future roommate.. [7]

Hi.

I think your analogy is really unique. Although the main idea is the good old "neither a key nor a lock can work alone", you make it fit your own personality by saying that the gregarious 'spinner' is always there to make his friend lol. To me this essay is also appropriate for the topic "describe an intellectually engaging activity", but you may want to make some amendments here and there.


...me attentively, ...


I thought spin will be better. It depends on your board size, though.


"Gradually its momentum decreases" alone will be enough.


Either one of these will do

I think this essay is good.

G L~

Writing Feedback / Catostrophic earthquake in Southern Haiti: issue of international significance [5]

Hi.

My first impression of this essay is that it is a newspaper report, which defeats the purpose of this essay. The section, which forms the integral part of the essay, does not say anything about how you are affected by the earthquake, but facts that are all too well known by everyone around the world. All this can be sum up in just one sentence, like "The Haiti earthquake has affected me a lot".

What I prefer to hear is more about how you feel, what you have done volunteering, like you have mentioned, and what you have learned. I was affected by this event too, but each of us will see different things and these experience is worth sharing and appreciated. Connect the earthquake to your own life, talk about how it has changed you, about the conflict that happen within you. You cannot simply use a disastrous event to evoke emotions from your reader. It is not going to work.

I truly wish you see something valuable that is worth sharing.

G L~

Undergraduate / Nursing School essay: Why do I want to be a nurse? [5]

Hi.


I think you can replace the "or" with an period.


Take my advice, change this word. How about "ample opportunities"?


mmm, I think nurses are not the 'second person' at all. Nurse is a unique occupation, and I think you know it better than I do. Upon reading the paragraph, I think the idea you want to bring across is that "nurses, who are closer to the patients as they are needed to take care of the patients on a daily basis, will be able to fill the void while doctors are all busy attending other patients". This may not be the best way to word it, but I think this is what you are trying to say.

To be honest I like nurses a lot. I think all inspired nurses are wonderful people.

Ok I am weird...

G L~

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

Hi.

This essay is much more relevant than the one before. Your passion and vision is clearly explained in the second paragraph, which is great. The organization of the essay is good too.

However, I must say that the last two paras are not as strong as your second paragraph. They are too general and do not make any strong point. Still need a lot of work for the last two paragraphs. Try to write a topic sentence, either implicit or explicit, and rely and only rely on that to develop your paragraph. Topic sentences gives you goals for what you want to achieve, like how you want to be a engineer so that you can explore how random chemicals are relevant to your daily life. Well, hope that make a bit of sense...

You are getting better.

G L~

Undergraduate / "I'm not your typical girl" - Texas Essay [6]

Hi.

This essay is very interesting and I can feel your desire to describe yourself as fully as possible, but the essay ended up very scattered and lack the focus that the readers will be looking for. Are you trying to talk about the language barrier you have to overcome or your strong ability at mathematics? Why are you telling us your name and how people pronounce it? Why are you telling us about the boy you met? There are too many unnatural transition between ideas:

you name -> what you think about leaders -> the boy you met at cafeteria -> you school performance. Pick one of them and focus on it, what you did, what you have learned, what is the significance?

You are a good nature person, I wish you well.

G L~

Undergraduate / "Potential problems" - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement [6]

Hi.

I will have agree that the essay is too long and too much of them are background information that the essay can live without. Your friend's birthday did not really come into play as a important detail, neither the fun you previously had.

You experience sounds really exciting, maybe you may want to elaborate more on what you have learned and talk about how it have change your approach to the world. Some solid decisions you have made based on this experience will be nice.

G L~

Undergraduate / UT Topic A -- Influential Person (My Parents) [6]

Hi.

You essay is fairly well written but I would be more impressed if you can express the relationship between your decision to be a better student and how your parents have influence your decision more clearly. It seems that you have decided to work hard for your studies before your mother have decided to enroll in her course. How can the things she did later inspired you earlier work?

If your mother's enrollment into the course has taught you


then who is responsible for your earlier work? In my opinion, the second paragraph looked very detached.

I think it would be a good idea to switch the order of events; like talk about your mother first, then talk about yourself, that way we can see the connection clearer.

G L~

Undergraduate / Challenge or experience that helped you learn what is important to you [12]

Hi.

Some of the most impressive essay I have seen talk about simple things that the writers encounter everyday, like walking across a creek or playing guitar. Trying to think of something you do often, and explain why you did them and what they have taught you.

G L~

Essays / "WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE FAVORITISM" - paragraph writing [5]

Hi.

You may want to start by talking about your own favorite thing and why you like it, cuz there is a high chance people like their favorite thingz the way you like your favorite thingz.

BTW, what is the "(7)ways method"?

G L~

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]

Hi.

I see. I am mistaken this for a common essay, my bad.

Your essay is special, it captures the reader's attention by introduce something small but unique to your brother. I think it is really appropriate, though appropriate is not quite the word. It is like something snapped right in place.

I like the way you get so true about the circumstances, instead of trying to be a poet like many people do. Really sorry if I offend you in anyway.

G L~

Undergraduate / "What don't you know?" - Brown Essay [4]

Hi.


I agree. =D

Well, it is true that a concise essay is better than a long and boring one, but it all depends on what you write. Students could easily write pass the word limit and you wrote way below it. Why?

In any application essay you wrote, it is better to focus on yourself. True Bush sucks, but isn't that what everyone is saying? So what are you trying to tell Brown by reiterating other people's words?

Mu suggestion is try to think of something that you personally don't know and would like to know. Why don't you know it? What's the significance? That way you can produce a full 500 essay and, hopefully, fill the essay with you own thoughts.

G L~

Writing Feedback / To speak well is more important than to write well [3]

Hi.

I think the example you use is appropriate, the language is fair good and the ideas are clear.

Some idioms are inappropriate, though:


high income


Verbal skill, communication skill


Don't need this


When my brother was being interviewed for the position of personnel manager at IBM company, he responded the question skillfully and humorously.

I think particularly does not fit here. "My sister like ice-cream. Particularly, vanilla ice-cream."
I may be wrong, though, but I seldom see particularly being use like you did. Keep in mind that all these adverbs make your essay sound vague; the reader won't know how exactly your brother has handled the interview. Try to be more specific next time.


Awesome transition!


Whatever this means, it is not a good idea to use But in this situation. Your previous sentence is saying that you brother did a good job on his interview. Now he said this, and apparently the interviewer has a good impression on it. You use but when you want to introduce an idea that is negative to the previous statement, and in this case it is not true. Instead, you can just continue without using anything. But I still feel that this sentence is really dangerous...

Keep writing!

G L~

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


Every time you respond the post will get revived and float to the top, and people get to see it. So yes.

I am thankful that my comments did help cuz I post crap most of the time. lol

G L~

Undergraduate / "the gift of giving" (quality accomplishment) - UC prompt #2 [6]

Hi.

Your essay definitely has covered the learning experience and the joy your received by helping other people. 400+ hours are a lot, I don't even think I have 50. lol

Try maybe to elaborate more on why you chose hospital in the first place, since you have contributed so much time on it.


A little bit unclear, try to explain a bit.

G L~

Undergraduate / "I faced my fears" - College Admission Test Essay [5]

Hi.

I understand that it is difficult in school once you felt that you are being left out and admire your faith in the new school life.


Elaborate more on how you want to contribute. This will make your essay more convincing.

G L~

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

Hi.

I can really feel your enthusiasm at this subject and know you have put a lot into doing what you love. But I think you a getting a little bit broad with the ideas you have generated from the kitchen. Anyone can turn his kitchen into a chem lab, but not everyone can gain the experience that you will gain. Try to elaborate on the learning process. what does chemical engineering mean to you? What is your vision?

Given your enthusiasm, I think you will be a great chemist.

G L~

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]

Hi.

I like you essay very much. It seems to flow, it is the kind of essay that follow a person's nature train of thoughts.

This sentence is particularly good:


This is something I can strongly relate to. Voices are images, or symbols, that you can readily associate to when you recall a character in a film, and I think (correct me) through this essay you want to say that the characters lack the kind of images that truly represents themselves and you want to make them better.

The problem is that your essay flows so well that it does not have a strong 'punch'. The punch you intended probably started from "They were flat...", and extends to the next two para. But they seemed to lack something that is strong enough to wake me up, someone reading a thousand essays a day may just miss that, and you won't want that to happen.

So, ya, like Kelvin said, try to put somewhere in your essay a thesis, strong enough to catch the attention of the reader. I personally think (so it may not be right ;p) a thesis does not have to be in the beginning of the para but anywhere you think it fits. It can even be some kind of emotion when you ask yourself


Do you feel angry that they lacked these? Or frustrated? Any form of strong emotion will make the reader aware, and question themselves naturally what is going on.

G L~

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]

Hi.

I can tell that your brother plays a huge role in your life but I think what the lacks is your response to this obstacle. What did you to overcome this obstacle?

The organization is not the best too. You need more paragraphs to show the development.

G L~

Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

Hi, I hope you didn't get tired of me talking. =D

After reading your essay, I truly thinks that your mum is really, really awesome, and definitely knows that she so much more than what you can ever squeeze into this essay. But you are doing something very dangerous here; you list everything down without elaborating what she really did, and as a reader, I never get to know how your mother has done anything for you that has truly inspired you to become someone better.

Sometimes ago, I wrote an essay about my grandfather. He took care of me from 3 - 9 and as I am writing the essay, I cried (yea not the manliest thing to do). But the response was good. Sometimes it gets all uncomfortable digging up your memories, but I think if you want the readers to be touched by your essay, you have to show them the details, cuz it is really hard to make others relate you your thoughts. Careful readers will pick up your train of thoughts, and observe your world as if they were standing right next to you. But first you need to open up yourself and show them what you have. Even if it fails, at least you have tried and there's nothing else to worried about.

If all these doesn't ring a bell, my final advice is focus on one incident when you mum really taught you a lot about faith, and talk about how you have changed. The focus is on you!

G L~

Undergraduate / Common App. - Inspiring person to run for Governor [7]

Hi.

From what you have written, I think you have really grown a lot from this election. I think you are really committed to what you are doing and surely, you did win.

However, I was not sure what kind of victory you are referring to when you say


Are you talking about your supporters, or the experience, and did that person inspired you to realize such victory? I think your reflection is equally important as the process, try to elaborate that a little. Make them feel your victory.

I like the ending, it shows your determination and commitment.

G L~

Undergraduate / I have tried to be the best son in the world (applying to some IVY schools) [11]

Hi.

I love my family too, but if I were you, I would probably have elaborated a little bit more rather than just writing some things that is general enough to describe the other 4765 students going to America each year.

Show them how you have tried to become the best son, what you have learned, and how you, or your love for your family, have changed. Including these will make your essay much stronger, unique and clearer. Deliver your thoughts to them and show them the way you feel.

Is this your commons application essay? If not then I think I am mistaken.

G L~

Undergraduate / Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education. Common App Essay. [6]

Hi.

Coincidentally, I have decided to open up my essay with an opening imagery too! But have decided to cut it, well, like Kevin said, for more discussion. It is painful to drop but sometimes you need to do it.


Have you really shown what EAMUN is all about in your first paragraph?

Talk about what you have learned, how you have changed by describing the person you used to be, etc..


I think you need to cut this too, since you don't have them.

I am really admire your commitment to the club, since I quit my club due to the lack of interest (commitment =p). Well, who them what you've got!

G L~

Undergraduate / England, Family, Memories, Life - Just an idea for the Common App Essay [9]

This is a really unique aka risky essay.

mm I don't know if this is the right approach but ask yourself what the person/admission officer reading the essay is going to find out about you after reading your essay?

They are probably looking for clues that help identify those with some traits that they are looking for, and what kind of traits are you trying to show them.

You have probably answer these questions by saying


So, is this strong enough?

If you think it is, then stick with it, take a risk, and see how it will turn out.

To be honest, I really like the poetic touch of your essay. But the risk of any 'poetic' essay is the lack of real, solid substance. But I think you did wrap it up well with the expression that I have quoted, and the scattering images gave some sense of your inner thoughts (Meanwhile I am aware that this isn't the final product). I think I will be more impress if you elaborate more and connects them in such a way that everyone is able to feel the way you feel, isn't that what the essay, and language in general, is all about? As I am telling you this, I am actually struggling with my own essay. Well, I am no expert. =D

G L~

Undergraduate / Cubicle no 9: common app: Under which topic does this essay fits in [3]


Now you tell me which one it fit. =D

Even after you have figured out, there is much work to be done to polish your essay.

First of all, there are a lot of ";" in your essay. Change all to either "," or ".".


"Wonderful" alone will be good enough.


Either one of the clause will be good enough.


Trying to be cute here yo? ;D


My friends were not angry with me but my action had hurt them.

I like the way you used the cubicle as a symbol for friendship, maybe elaborate a little further on the fun times you guys had in the cubicle?

G L~

Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

Hi.

Since the body is not out, I cannot tell how this intro is going to play out yet.

However, my advice is try to get straight to the point instead of going from a general intro into the specifics. Every word will eat into your essay, and might not be wise to include things that are general enough to describe not only your mother but anyone. This is not easy but can be done. Try to start the essay with a specific incident that affect you, and branch out naturally from there. This way you won't have to think about how work your way back into the main topic in the second paragraph.

I am working on the essay that has the exact same topic same yours. It probably suck now and I am trying to improve it too. =D

BTW, don't you think it is awesome to write about our mums?

G L~

Writing Feedback / My Dad; He always stands by my side - A Person That Has Influenced My Life [7]

Hi.

First of all, I think your dad is awesome~


My immediate impression after reading this is that there are too many "homeless man" in this paragraph. Try to shorten up this a bit just by going straight to the idea that

1. you are reluctant to give food to the homeless man
2. your dad ask you give the food to the homeless man
3. and you did

instead of going through all the details. Now all the homeless men disappear~

You did great at elaborating how the experience with the homeless man has affected you behavior afterward.

G L~