Undergraduate / "A place for the ambitious learners" - Why Brown University? 1000 characters. [8]

No no -- your essay is far from just "OK!" And if you got that impression from what I said, then I apologize. You did a good job.

Using the word awesome sounds good to me. I would probably leave the second sentence alone, however. After thinking about it again, it probably is best.

So -- the only part I would change is this part: I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, it was awesome! Other than that, leave it alone. It looks and reads great!

Mark

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

Yes, indeed! Your essay looks great! Other than the change that I recommended, there is nothing at all wrong with it. Good luck with it!

Mark

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina!

OK, you have come a long way! Now, re-write the essay the way you want it to read and then post it on the forum. Let's see what you have at that point. We are here to help, Tina!

Mark

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]

Hi!

I am offering the following suggestions to your final draft:

every victory, every match, and every defeat remains forever etched in my heart.
--> I am sure this is correct, meaning that "remain" should be changed to "remains." If you were going to write the sentence with only one of the three, i.e., "every victory 'remains' forever etched in my heart," it would also make sense.

My teammates believed I was a prodigy, but in reality, I could not have done it without their teaching and guidance; nor without the support from the lasting friendships that have formed, nor without the support from the lasting friendships that have formed.

--> the semi-colon does not belong there, as the last sentence is not a complete sentence. It needs to be changed to a comma.

Otherwise, the essay looks good! You have come a long way, as I see the number of people who have chimed in with respect to your two essays!

--> I will also have to take issue with the person who suggested that the word "And" does not belong in the beginning of a sentence. While that was true years ago, it has changed, and it is now considered to be OK to start a sentence with the word "and."

Have a good day!

Mark

Undergraduate / " Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular [7]

Hi Nicole,

You write well. I liked reading your essay about scuba diving, and while I have never endured the sport, I know of a time when my father was heavily into the sport.

It is quite obvious to me that, based on how well you described your flight to becoming certified, that you enjoy the world of the water. I don't think I could have expressed myself better than you did, especially when you described how fatigued you were in the water, watching the other people swim towards the underwater cave.

You wrote about the prompt well. I think you did a wonderful job with the essay and I didn't see any areas where I would change.

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina,

I was waiting for Kevin to chime in with respect to your essay -- and he did -- as I suspected. He offered you some excellent advice -- specifically concerning how you can improve your grammar. Heed his advice.

Secondly, Tina, what are you going to do about an introduction and a summary? I seem to remember that you brought these two topics up in the beginning of your threads. Have you worked on them yet? Let's see what you have with respect to both of those, as well as your essay body. I will get back with you as soon as you post it.

Mark :)

Book Reports / Thesis for the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas? [9]


I have to ask the question: did you read the book? If not, then there are other alternatives, such as looking for a synopsis of the book on the Internet, by using Google. I've done it before and there are a number of companies that offer such material(s) on the net.

Is there a specific chapter that you like the best? Is there a specific character besides Cristo, that, perhaps, he comes into contact with -- and one with whom you can draw a thesis statement?

From this information, as well as what the others (above) have offered to you in terms of instruction, see if you can come up with a thesis statement of your own, and then we can go from there.

Thanks,

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Students should study alone or in organized groups? IELTS writing task pratice. [5]


I like this suggestion! I also wonder if the student might benefit from reading "Elements of Style."

:) Mark

Undergraduate / " Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular [7]

niklev


Not a problem, Nicole. I enjoyed reading the essay. Why don't you allow Kevin and some others review it as well -- they might have something different to say.

Mark

Undergraduate / "Towards a Comprehensive Understanding of Global Security" [5]

Hi Wondwossen!

We would love to read and critique your essay! All you have to do is post it on the forum, and we will get back with you as soon as we can.

Mark

Undergraduate / wanted to enter the medical field- Vires Artes Mres. Need a conclusion and revision. [3]

Hi Austin!

I am glad that you took the time to write a conclusion and present it to the forum. But, I would have to agree with Kevin -- above -- in that your conclusion should have something to do with what you want to do -- and it should be specific. You mention in your essay that you want to get that college education and enter the medical field. Well, this might be the place to summarize that point "and" tell us what specific part of the medical field you want to enter. Get it? The conclusion should wrap up all that you said before, and then some -- but it ought to target the plan that you have for your academic life -- and beyond.

I know that you can do this -- re-write the conclusion and let's see what you come up with. I'll be more than happy to review it with you and help you tune it up.

Mark

Having the traits shown in "Vires, Artes, and Mores" doesn't just mean getting decent grades, and getting a college degree. But it really means to reach for levels that others wouldn't reach too, and doing things that others wouldn't think of doing. I hope to continue spreading the pride and unity that are shown in the garnet and gold of a true Seminole.

Undergraduate / "Energy Responsibility" - UT Austin application essay Topic E [6]

Austin,

Your essay reads quite well. I made only a few suggestive corrections. It was extremely informative. Where, Austin, did you manage to get all of these figures? They were put together in the essay quite nicely! Good job!

Mark :)

Research Papers / "Why population exploded in the 1700'S" - my essay. is it good?? [4]

Chelsea,

You mean that you got a "B" in the course you were taking -- for the essay?

Mark

Undergraduate / What lessons have you learned from it? -- painting [6]


Hi again!

I've already offered you some critique for your essay, and I see that Kevin and some others have also chimed in to do the same. This is good. You have a good essay here, but it does need a little work -- why don't you re-work the essay and then re-post it on the forum for us to read? I think that you will find that after each re-write, you will get a better appreciation for the English language.

As far as ending the essay, you will be best served by summing up what you are trying to say in the essay with a clear sentence to start the conclusion. Then, use the rest of the sentences to support that conclusion. But, I would work on the essay first, before beginning the conclusion.

Thanks,

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "... so just bear with me" - Stanford letter to roommate [7]

Hi Maggie,

This is what I like to see! I like to see students re-post their essays on this site, as you have done. And, you made the corrections that were needed and took those suggestions that you thought were appropriate and incorporated them into your essay. You are a wonderful writer, and like Ershad has said, you are also very witty! It is a very amusing essay, and it captures the reader's attention, right off the bat. I certainly would not change a thing with the essay. Job well done!

Mark

:)

Undergraduate / "my younger sister's shadow" - Bump in the Road - UCF Application Essay [4]

Hi Maggie!

You essay reads well, but it needed some fine-tuning, as you can see below. There were some times when I added a period to a sentence, where you had a long sentence. I therefore made it shorter. But, the essence of the essay comes through fine, without a problem, Maggie. Take a look at the corrections I offered and see if you might want to re-write the essay so that Kevin, myself and the other Maggie can review it for you again.

Mark :)

Research Papers / scientific paper reference list [6]

Hi!

After you find the appropriate source on the Internet via Google, and you seem to still have some problems with the formatting, let me know. I might be able to help you.

Mark

Undergraduate / What do I do to get noticed? - Strength and Discipline [6]

Hi Devin --

I think that you did a good job with writing your essay, but I think that they want more emphasis on the other two Latin words as well, within the text of the essay.

Where is your thesis statement? What about the topic sentences for the three paragraphs that you wrote? Can you point them out to me?

Take a look at the corrections and suggestions that I have written for you below. You might not agree with all of them. Let me know what you think.

Mark :)

My Mommother does not say it anymore, because there is no need.

I have been setting goals for myself forever it seemsIt seems as though I have been setting goals for myself forever . Even in those early years of being a teenager, where all you want to do isthe exact the opposite of what your parents want ...

It is funny though, now when I think back how, when virtues are instilled in you at a very young age ...

I love my parents, don't get me wrong.

When I set a goal, I don't just think it, I write it down in order to make it permanent-- on paper .

I knew it would take years to accomplish, but my goal was ...

Writing Feedback / TRANSITIONS IN LIFE - taking them with optimism or hatred [5]

Hi Walter!

I like the following sentence you used in your essay: Such unpolished gem needs to experience the heat of spontaneous combustion, pressure, and polishing before it can exude its natural luster and brilliance.

--> It is brilliant. The polishing time for a gem is years, not weeks or days or even months. You have engaged in the time factor with respect to what it might take for someone to become, well, whole.

Your essay has a nice "flow" to it when I was reading it. Nice job. There are a few parts where I would "tighten it up" a little. For example, in the following sentence: Everyone has undergone metamorphosis in their lives similar to the phase where a caterpillar sprang out from its cocoon of immaturity, after a long wait to spread its wings as a butterfly.

--> These are the sort of corrections that you will find throughout the essay, but not to the point where they need to be driven out for you. Take a look at the rest of the essay -- and you will see what I mean. It just needs a little "polishing," much like that gem you described.

Mark :)

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Hi Kayla,

What about this part of the sentence: but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt, and actively contribute to, this new cultural environment

Let's re-write it like this:

but being vulnerable to sharing knowledge and experiences allowed me to adapt and contribute to this new cultural environment.

--> I think that this says the same thing, just in a simpler way. Otherwise, I don't see a problem with your conclusion or your last paragraph! You have come a long way with this essay, and a lot of people have chimed in for you. You did well, Kayla. My hat is off to you!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]

Zakary,

Worry not about such things. Just concentrate on your essay -- and let's see what a revision might produce for us! I think that you did a good job with the first essay -- however, it did need some work and some other people have chimed in as well for you. Now, let's see if you can take the corrections and suggestions and come up with a revision of the initial essay and then you can present it to the forum. You can do it.

Mark :)

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]

Hi Melinda:

Without going through the entire essay (now), I want to show you the first paragraph. While the essay is good, it needs a lot of work. First, you don't have a thesis statement in your first paragraph, nor do you have a topic sentence in the other paragraphs; but that's not the only issue. I would like for you to take a look at the para below -- and focus on the corrected sentences, and see where you wrote them incorrectly. Then, as an assignment, write them at least ten (10) times. I think that in that time, you will have learned how to construct the sentences correctly. When we have completed that part, we will tackle the rest of the essay. OK?

Mark

:)

Recently, I was visiting with friends of my family andwhile visiting with some friends of the family, I noticed onea child sitting in the corner pulling apart the toystaking apart some of the toys . I went and sat down next to him and asked why he was taking the toy part, he replied to me quite frankly , " so that when it breaks I know how to fix it." This experience brought back some vivid memories of my interests even as a child. in discovering mechanisms of how this workhow things workedand that continued to motivate both my educational and professional journeys.

Undergraduate / Anyone can be the change in the world - College Essay - Review [4]

Hi Gregory!

I was impressed with your essay -- at least the essence of it, the message. But, I must agree with Kevin, in that you use too many commas. He suggested that you read "The Elements of Style," and I am hopeful that you are cognizant of that material and what it can do for you as a writer.

I made some corrections and offered some suggestions to you with respect to your essay, and these are below. You will see the use of the comma. Many people overuse the comma, by the way, and it's not just you.

Now that you have three people correcting you, perhaps you might want to re-work the essay?

Mark :)

... to a special experience that I have found to be is very important and helpful to others. An idea that was recently presented to me, thatwhich affected my way of thinking, is the ...

I was unaware not aware as to (...) could be until I started thinking thought about my history class. The way you treat someone, or interact with, may impact the rest of your life.

As I thought about how these people are seen to be veryas important and special (...) how the people are me might change the world. I started to think thought the friends (...) become the next Copernicus, so to speak . I also thought to myself that there are little differences between ...

... who is willing, could change the world, I began to think thought about what sort of ...

Writing Feedback / Students' academic performance strongly reflects their teachers' teaching performance. [8]

Hi Xun, again....

Have you given thought to re-working your essay? I still think that you did an outstanding job with the formatting for the essay, and if you would just make the small corrections to the text, I think that you will agree that the essay will stand on its own!

I am, by the way, with Kevin, in that you will pass the TOEFL! Take your time and address this essay and give us the opportunity to get back with you again.

Mark

:)

Undergraduate / Arts and Sciences and Engineering: "I don't know" - JHU supplement [10]

James,

I am not altogether sure that the essay you wrote -- either the first one or the second one -- is appropriate to send to Johns Hopkins. When they read an essay such as the one that you were assigned to write, they are looking for a person with a clear, decisive plan, perhaps even a clear five year plan with respect to his or her own lives. You, clearly, are not offering that here in either one of the essays. I would certainly heed the remarks made by the others are re-work the essay once again. You want to write a convincing essay; you are trying to explain to them that you are the candidate, above all others, who should be selected, and selected now.

If you want any more help, let me know. That is what we are here for. To help you.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain"- issue of importance, UT of Austin [6]

Hi Autumn!

Have you given any thought to how you are going to write your introduction and your conclusion? You have a essay body that will support your thesis, but it lacks a clear direction -- what is it that you want to stand out when the reader is through with the essay? You can use your conclusion for this purpose, as also suggested by Kevin.

Try to write your introduction and your conclusion and get back with us by posting them here on the forum.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / Becoming a nurse to benefit others - USC Essay, in need of revision [5]

Hi Elizabeth,

You story is indeed a powerful one. I have always liked reading essays about those who want and wanted to enter the medical field. Having been a medical provider myself, I have the empathy that others feel when they talk and discuss the many problems that can arise in a medical situation within a matter of seconds.

I like the story, Zink that you offered in your essay. Tell me, do you feel that the name Angela was used for a reason? It's a very powerful name, indeed. It says a lot about the type of person in the story, does it not?

Good job with the essay!

Mark

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]

Hi Melinda,

Well, in that case, I think that you did well with the content. It clearly identified your reasons in the essay -- for how you feel about the situation. I think that the content is well-organized. The grammar needs to be corrected; but you mentioned that you will work on that (indirectly). I enjoyed reading the substance of the essay, Melinda!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / (career in medicine) - "Evaluate a Significant Experience" Common App Essay [12]

Hi!

I loved your essay! Having been in medicine myself for almost 14 years, I can certainly appreciate your thoughts and your concerns. One really never gets a chance to prepare for death -- no matter what is done! Death is not something we all think about all the time, and I think that you captured that in your essay.

I certainly do wish you luck with your endeavors while you pursue a career in medicine, if that is what you end up doing. It sounds like you have prepared for it. Your essay speaks volumes in that regard.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / About Kirby, the top of her class: an essay about someone who has impacted your life [3]

Hi Kelsey,

I want to echo Siddharth's opinion, above, as I (also) do not understand what it is you are trying to tell us in the first paragraph of the essay. You leap from this paragraph into the second without any clear transition, and I think that this is where the confusion lies. Try to create a transition that will allow the reader to understand what "water" means to the rest of the story.

The water doesn't know that a state swimmer is about to dive into the pool. The water doesn't know this swimmer is highly ranked academically at her school. The water doesn't know that this swimmer has been my best friend for the past seven years, two of the seven she endured the most hardship which has impacted my life forever.

In the third paragraph, as it is written below, I have made a correction:

I comecame home one day to find out that Kirby's dad has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first found out, it struck me by surprise. My heart sank and I thought of Kirby and her family. Over the past years I had grown close to her mom and dad and I hated the thought of such a serious disease in their presence.

I also agree with the other critiques that were written above. It would be best, I think, if you re-worked the essay and then re-post it for us to review again. But, I do like the story! It is a heart-felt one, a tear-jerker, indeed.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / Teacher in management, an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life [7]

Hi! I made some corrections for you with regard to your essay. I think that your most challenging part of writing at this point is keeping up with the present or the past -- while you continue to write your essay. It is sometimes difficult to do. Otherwise, your message is clear and I think that you have a good essay here.

Undergraduate / "Energy Responsibility" - UT Austin application essay Topic E [6]

Austin,

I had very few problems with the first essay -- and now the second one, with the improvements, is so much better! I like the fact that you added the "works cited." It only adds quality to the essay. I enjoyed reading the essay, in fact, as I have read quite a few books about JDR. I don't think that I could have improved on the essay, Austin. Good Work!

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: MONEY is not necessarily be the most important aspect of a job always! [2]

Hi Diluni!

The best way to lengthen it (and I am assuming you are talking about the conclusion) is to go back into the body of the essay and find some other ways that you want to emphasize what has already been said. As you know, the conclusion cannot bring any new information to the table, it has to only re-state the information that has already been presented. Use your own essay body as a guide; you will find some good information there, I am sure.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "The loss of a loved one" - Term Paper Overcoming a challenge [3]

I am assuming that you are referring to the following sentence as your thesis statement:

The truth is that time heals all wounds and the world keeps on going as if nothing happened.

--> If this is true, then the thesis statement should be the first sentence, not the second or the third. See what you can do about making this sentence the first one in the essay. I also think that you need some additional paragraphs. Otherwise, your essay looks good and reads well.

Mark

Undergraduate / "I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain"- issue of importance, UT of Austin [6]

Understood. I will look forward to your revision today. I think that you have the beginning of a good essay here, Autumn!

Mark

Research Papers / James Madison, the American government and US system [2]

Hi.

I made just a few suggestive corrections to your essay. I would take up an argument, however, with regard to the following sentence: It is unquestionable that the checks and balances continue to apply in today's American and are working as originally intended. I am not too sure if this is true. Has there not been some times during our 200+ history where the checks and balances did not work as intended?

Mark :)

Essay
James Madison wrote the Federalist No. 51 to convince Americans that the new government would have a foundation in place to ensure that no one person or group would have too much power. Madison outlined the "checks and balances" portion of the new government which outlined the three branches of government which he believed would ensure that no one group would have too much power over another group.

By creating the three branches of government (the executive, legislative and judicial) the delegates built a "check and balance" system into the Constitution. To implement this means of checks and balances, the three branches of government have certain powers to "check" the other branches and make sure that the power is balanced among them. The Legislative Branch makes and passes the laws while the Judicial Branch interprets the laws. The Executive Branch has the power to veto the law. For example, the president may veto a law passed by Congress. Congress can override that veto with a vote of two-thirds of both houses. Another example is that the Supreme Court may check Congress by declaring a law unconstitutional. Additionally, the president may appoint a Supreme Court Judge but the appointment must be approved by the CongrsesSenate .

Scholarship / About "Parents" - Biographical Scholarship Essay (life challenges) [9]

Hi Elena!

I read through your essay and while I think that it is an excellent story about how you dealt with your two different parents while you were growing up, the essay lacks some formatting. I found that the essay did not 'flow' that smoothly, which took away from the story a little. However, it is still a very strong, heart-felt story! Indeed it is, and I think that, with a little more work, it will be even better! How did you feel when you found that your father had cancer? Did it change the way you approached him or your mother? Did you feel as though you 'grew up' quickly when you found that your father did have the cancer?

Like I said, this is a good story! I would probably change the way in which you presented the information on the definitions for a parent, and just use words to describe them, rather than the a and the b. Just make them part of the essay.

Good luck!

Mark :)

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]

Hi Melinda,

You are an excellent writer. I think that the rest of us would love to see your revision when you have it completed. Just post it here -- and we will get back with you.

Mark

Book Reports / The role of woman in Sundiata: how do woman in Sundiata manage to be important? [2]

Hi Samandra,

The information that you present in your essay is extremely esoteric; it is difficult to follow it if the reader knows very little to nothing about your culture. Perhaps if you were to take the time to explain the cultural differences of the woman -- from, for instance, the Western culture -- then I think that the reader might be able to understand the differences and relate to the essay. I was all enthralled with the essay when it began, only to be disappointed later when I got to the point where I no longer understood the text. I want to understand what is being said because, well, I think that the Muslim culture is very interesting! I would like to learn more about it!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / (career in medicine) - "Evaluate a Significant Experience" Common App Essay [12]

Hi again, Alec,

With respect to the last sentence in your essay, I think that it's interesting. I offers the reader somewhat of a dilemma with respect to their own thoughts -- and how the reader might think about saving someone's life as opposed to possibly having the opportunity to do so, and yet, passing it by. Of course, this is not something that anyone in his or her right mind would ever think about doing, but it does represent a bit of a conundrum, wouldn't you say? For instance, with regard to your own thoughts that you expressed in your writing, you would not have passed by the opportunity to help save someone's life, but you didn't know what was happening in that room until you entered it or came close to the door. At that point, you saw and heard the physician giving the orders for the cardio-conversion; but yet, you did not walk away -- you stayed there and witnessed the death of a person, even though you were not in a position to help at that point in your life or career. However, believe me, if you do enter the field of medicine, you will see a lot of people die; you will see death in a different way; and at times, you will feel as though you are somewhat removed from it, for one has to be that way in order to survive in the field.

With regard to the essay, however, and whether it is material of a Boston University or Hopkins caliber, as you put the question, I would have to say that you ought to re-work it first. I do know that a good writer understands that the first and subsequent re-writes are always better than the first draft, and I think that you might find a better way of expressing yourself in a re-write. Give it a try. I will be glad to critique it if you send it to the forum!

Mark :)