Undergraduate /
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer" - my essay for FIT [7]
I also know that
through hard work (no comma) and dedication
thewill make impossible dream
becomes possible.
Through self-belief and motivation my dream of being a fashion designer can become a reality.
For me, this sentence sounds a bit redundant as it does convey the same idea as the previous one.
College was the first thing that spoke to me
...spoke about what? I like if you were more specific on that !
Overall, I think you have included all important aspects that you need to tell them in this answer. However, pay attention to what Kevin suggested and organize your flow better to convince your reader that you are a right candidate for this course.
You can use the examples and explanations about your life and dreams as ways of explaining your philosophy of fashion. The best way to improve your writing, that I can recommend, is to add a sentence to the beginning of each paragraph; make sure each paragraph starts with an interesting sentence that pertains to the main idea of the essay. Thinking about what does fashion have to do with dreams and aspirations, which you talk about in the essay.
I find this is the best piece of advice for you to make this response a great one. :)