Undergraduate / "leadership is NOT simply being the first, biggest or most powerful" - North Carolina [5]

In my view, your perception about leadership covers an important role of leadership. You think the leader should be visionary. It is a very good point because without a vision, a leader cannot drive others in the direction of achieving desired goals. So, you elaborate on this point and explain why it so important. Give examples if necessary.

Also think about a situation at home, school or community in which others did not have a clear idea about where they were heading and how you set the direction and drove them towards the goal. You will write a fine essay. Good Luck!!!

Undergraduate / "pleasant, well mannered girl" (about me) + Medicine (reasons of the major) [3]

You write well. However, I feel the answer for the first prompt does not adequately cover the very essentials of the prompt 1. In that you only talk about your strengths and you do not touch on your weaknesses. Just think about some weakness in you (everybody has some weakness) and discuss how it has affected you so far and how the Howard would help you to get rid of that weakness. Also you do not contrast yourself against others to talk enough what separates you from other applicants. Once these points are included your essay would be very fine.

Undergraduate / "My Alien Family"- UC prompt feedback [7]

In your first para you are giving a strong message to the reader by contrasting the good and bad effects of having strong family bonds. It is very good. However, in my view, the very first senteance is not very well written. I got a bit confused at the very start. What do you mean by "family's values of security" ?? I do not understand. (Is it that they wish you a secured life in terms of physical security? If so why?) It is better if you could re-write it in a more comprehensible manner, because it is the beginning of your essay and it should be strong enough to attact the reader. I also feel this sentence should be broken down to two because it has two ideas; 1)your family wishes a better life for you and 2) they think the path that ensures your security would be the one that makes you happy

Like all good familiesparents(I think you should use the word parents here, because it automatically refers to your parents whose contribution is much larger compared to other members in the family) , they wanted me to learn from their mistakes and live a better life than they did, andtT hey felt that the only way to do that was by joining the military or going to college. ----------- Break your sentences when they contain many ideas. It is more appealing to the reader.

Undergraduate / UC App, USA & Vietnam (world you come from) + "my own spot" (personal quality) [3]

It was a peaceful life; the only sounds outside were the sounds of the creek, the breathing of horses, and the occasional putter of an old pickup truck. My family is very close. This environment instilled in me the value of love and compassion. I was taught how to treat another human being with decency and respect. They showed me it is never acceptable to renounce morals for material goods.---- I really like this part. Very inspiring.

I have wanted to be a doctor since I was six years old, although that fluctuated between President and astronaut as well. ---------------very interesting, after becoming the doctor you still can make your way to the White House...ha..ha...

Undergraduate / Leadership + Interest in Math/Science + Contribute Outside, NCSSM [3]

Hi,
For your first prompt, I feel it is better that you use bullets or numbers and have a sub heading for each leadership role and activity, for example;

Leadership Positions and Activities:
1. Secretary of sophomores in student council
This year, I was lucky enough to bevoted for the post of secretary of sophomores in student council. Responsibilities of my position include assisting in the preparation of sophomore events and activities, recording the attendance of sophomores within student council and delivering information to the sophomore student body.

2. Co-director of the school's daily television announcements
Another leadership position I holdis beingact as the co-director of the school's daily television announcements that air everyday during breakfast and lunch. Along with another student in the class, my job is to instruct and monitor the rest of the production crew. It is important that we flawlessly complete a broadcast daily so it can be aired on the proceeding day. This has ultimately taught me the advantages ofBy enagaging in this activity I learnt the value of time management and teamwork.

3. Club officer of H.O.S.A.
Lastly Finally, I am also fortunate to have been a club officer of H.O.S.A for two years. As an officer, I amadvised to recruited students thatwhoarewere interested in medical sciences and aided them in preparing for H.O.S.A competitions. Throughout the school year, I alsoFurther, I helped organize and create awareness of health-related events including the annual blood drive, Relay for Life and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

Undergraduate / "Chinese values and the Chilean community" - world you come from [5]

I live within two totally different and separate worlds. The first is my life with my family and the second is my reality outside of the house living a foreign country. (strong idea, good) My life as part of the family has taught me important Chinese values and traditions of Chinese culture. Life within the Chilean community in which I live has taught me to be courageous in front of a hard situation. Thanks to both of these realities, I am who I am today . (Since the reader does not know you at this point, it is too abstract when you say" I am who I am today". Therefore, I feel it is better if you be a bit more descriptive about yourself for example, say you have very self confident or ??????)

I lived in China until the age of ten. Throughout my childhood in China, my family taught me never to give up, but it took me time to fully understand the meaning of perseverance. Growing up, my father was a clearthe best example offor this value virtue . While he was working for a European company, he got the chance to travel throughout Europe. On one occasion he had the opportunity to visit his boss's home in France. The house was in the outskirts of a big city, yet still had features of the countryside. My father's boss planted roses in his country home during his spare time. After this visit, my father became fascinated with such style of life and dreamed he would one day live in a similar place. As a result of this, my family later immigratedmigrated to Chile and now my home is full of roses just aswhere my father was able to makehaddreamed years before his dream a reality. (I feel your explanation about the father's dream is too detailed and it would be more appealing to the reader if it is shortened a bit) This event strengthened my beliefmade me believe that if I work hard, I will be able to persevere and accomplish my dreams.

My life in Chile has really shown that courage is one of the most crucial attributes that one can have in life. For me, Chile was a new and strange world. Everybody spoke Spanish, a language I did not know at all. Though a difficult situationit was tough , I knew that if I did not interact with other people, then I would not have any friends and my life would be miserable. So I decided to take my first big step- to attempt to speak the language. At the beginning I found it really difficult. Sometimes I had to use hand gestures (I feel you can use the word body-language) and my classmates did not understand me, however I never gave up. When I failed to pronounce some words, I maintained my courage and tried again and again until I could finally say them wellpronounce them as perfect as others do . Three months after my arrival, I was able to communicate with people comfortably and started tobegan makeing new friends. Taking the initiative to learn Spanish really opened a new door in my life. (This is a very good sentence with a strong idea, I like it) I began to learn about the Chilean culture and lifestyle. I gained a strong self-confidence and conviction that the world is nothing to be scared of if one has the courage and the perseverance and courage to face itchallenges .

The values that my two worlds gave me were courage and the will to persevere. These same values helped me to learn English when I was in eleventh grade. I want to educate myself and be a person thatwho will be usefulworthy to this world. I think the perfect place tothat could provide me what I need is the USA- the country withthat offers the best higher education services in the world. An education in the United States is the missing ingredient that I need to become a 'master of my fate' and a 'captain of my soul'. (I feel this last sentence is not really conveying your message. Improve it a bit more. )

Good luck with your application!!!

Graduate / "electrical and computer engineering" - help in my EE SOP [10]

Hope this would help you to trim down the word count;
There aresS everal important classes I took during undergraduate stimulated my desire for post- graduate studying. As in a chronological order,t The first class first inspired me should bewas "Semiconductor Device Physics". In this class, I started toIt made me realize how semiconductors are fabricated, how they work as electronic devices, and the theories behind those amazing structures. I also took Introduction to Quantum Mechanics and Modern Physics to gain essential knowledge about electrons, photons, and semiconductors. I found myself aspiring to knowFinding my thirst for learning more about the theories and applicationsofrelated to semiconductors, and its applications. Thus,right after that semester, I also took " Introduction to Quantum Mechanics (II) " and I started working on a National Science Council college student research project. This project givesgave me the greatesta greatimpactexposure and is the most important event during my wholeentire undergraduate life.

Undergraduate / "leadership is NOT simply being the first, biggest or most powerful" - North Carolina [5]

Hope this would be helpful;

Leadership is a core value of North Carolina State University. Please explain your personal view of leadership and how this view has influenced you to make a difference in your home, school and/or community.

ANSWER> Many people believe that leadership is simply being the first, biggest or most powerful but i believe In my view, a leader is someone who sets direction in an effort and influences people to follow that direction, the people can be oneself, another individual, a group or a community. guides his people in the right direction towards success. Therefore I strongly believe that a good leader should invariably be visionary. I always held this perception when ever I was to provide leadership;

The youth in my commuinty decided to organised a christmas carnival during the christmas periodtime but they dontdid not know how to go about it. this isproceeddue to lack of funds and experience of managing such an event.and materials , i I decided to take charge of the committe and first developed a plan for by organisingfundsrasingraising funds and organizing the team of youth in fund raising activities. I took the intiative of organizingfund-raising activities such as football tornament,basketball tornament, and music competiton. and also gettingI also guided and directed the youthour members to do odd jobs like such as cleaning ???(have some more examples if you can) the communityfor which we got paid for . All these activities generated the money we needed to organised the carnival party. The next task was to organize and manage the event.i I tried as much as possible my best to get everyone youth involved in the activitesthat i and assigned differentspecific jobs to each one in our teamof the youth such as Decoration, Music, refreshment, Flyer.... (complete your list) I provided necessary support and guidance to them and also monitored and coordinated the activities. The Carnival was a real success.

Everything got sorted and the carnival was a success. In my poinion the Carinval wasnt a success becaus i was the biggest or most powerful but i a vision and without a vision a leader cannot drive others in the direction of achieving desired goals

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1 and #2; "Living by myself" & "The Girl Isabella from Mexico" [3]

I find your first paragraph is very impressive. It creates a very good entrance to your essay.

Some other suggestions;
Even before I came to the U.S., I was already accustomed to moving frequently in Korea as I was transferred from one school to another almost every other year.

However, my confidence in believing that moving to the U.S. would be similar to the previous transitionsexperiences I had in Korea was plunged when I encountered additional changes in my life. As my father got involved in a corporate scandal. my parents decided to stayreturn toin Korea, leaving me accountable of my own domestic responsibilities and emotional dependence in a foreign country, which I learned to do since 8th grade.

Graduate / "electrical and computer engineering" - help in my EE SOP [10]

A thorough description about my project will be provided in the next paragraph. Back to our topic, during my junior year, I almost finished almost every undergrad level course available inat NCTU abouton solid state devices and physics. I secured excellent grades for all these courses.had excellent performances in every course mentioned above (all got A while represent in letter grade );. Hh owever, this iswas not sufficient tofar from satisfying my desire for comprehensive and in depth learning. Without any hesitance, I decided to give myselftake up some challenges during my senior year

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Why qualified people are moving from poor to rich countries? Your opinion? [2]

Hi
Brain- drain is one of the major problems in the third world countries.Most of their educated professionals migrate to the rich countries looking for better job oppotunities and salary living standards. ( When you say better job opportunities it refers to jobs with higher salaries. Therefore I think you can add "living standards" which also, in my view, is a major concern of those who decide to migrate to rich countries) Most of the rich countries are ready to hire educated professionals from other countries by paying more money than their country ies.Is it a kind of stealing?

Is it a kind of stealing?------- I think "stealing" is not the best word here because it is often used for objects. (Someone can correct me if I am wrong). Therefore, the best word in my view is "exploitation".

Undergraduate / "Interview with the school's principal & SLC, volunteering" -quality, accomplishment [4]

Hi I-Han Yeh,
I really enjoyed reading your answer. Your writing skills are great. Also I think your answer well alligns with the prompt. I have only few suggestions for you. These suggestion hopefully would help you trimming down your word count ;

Starting summer time, we had several meetings that urged us to draw up an agenda on what we would accomplish as a member in SLC in the next school year.

In every week'sAt every meeting, I learned to be responsible for what I had promised to do, such as reminding students the SAT registration deadline, and making flyers that tells seniors what to do on college application. Because I myself was not an expert in counseling, I spent extra amount of time and effortto ask and to research on this field beforehandon this task . Despite fulfilling my own position, as a "leader" in the school, I sometimes volunteered for school events on weekends. For instance, I once promoted school's preschool as well as fund-raising program by passing out flyers in Chinese Festival.

I feel the rest should go to a new para to sum up what you've said before and give your conclusion;
I enjoyed the connectionconnecting with people because it helped gainbroadened my knowledge that I would never see inacquire from any textbook.

Further, vV olunteering is essential for me since the experience has always supplied me with contentment and pleasure.

Gradually, I found out the motivation for me toa balance of school work and extracurricular activities is the fact that motivated me and in factdirected me to be made me responsible and stay focus rather than surrendering myself to pressure . (This is implied and no need to stress again... also without it you can cut down the word count )

It reveals that I discover more about myself through other people.---------- great!!

Essays / Business English Essay: strong written communication skills equal to verbal skills? [3]

Hi,

If I am asked this question, I would first state my opinion and give examples from the business world to support it. For example;
I agree that written communication skills are equally as important as verbal for many businesses though the degree of this requirment differs from one business setting to another. Example....

Undergraduate / "Interview with the school's principal & SLC, volunteering" -quality, accomplishment [4]

I am not such a great grammer person as well. So I dont feel there's anything drastically wrong with the sentence of your second paragraph. However see my suggestion below;

"Being disappointed byover my foolishnesspoor performance atduring the interview, I completely threw away theanticipation to getall hopes ofgetting injoining SLC."

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you.
What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud?
How does it relate to the person you are?

As for the prompt, I think your last sentence does not contribute or add anything to what it really expects. In my view, your conclusion should explain how volunteering experience relate to your personality. I think you've already done it in the last paragraph. Therefore you can be without the last sentence which, I personally feel, kind of disturbing your flow. Wait for other's feedback as well. They may hold a different idea.

Graduate / "electrical and computer engineering" - help in my EE SOP [10]

All right. Are you within the limits of required word count?

I would likewish to pursue a Master of Science degree in electrical and computer engineering (ECE). to hopesI also hope of continuingleading my studies up to a PhD program with an emphasis in either one of the three areas ;topics solid state physics and devices or optoelectronic devices, andor photonic crystals. "General", withwhich possesses a great reputation offor providing rigorous research activities with state-of-the-art departmental resources and guidance of distinguished faculties, is my ultimate most preferred choice.

Several important classessubjects (I prefer the word "subjects" more, however you can keep the sentence as it is if you dont feel comfortable with it) I took duringin my bachelor's course stimulated my desire for post-graduate studying. The class firstsubject most inspired me was "Semiconductor Device Physics". It made me realize how semiconductors are fabricated, how they work as electronic devices, and the theories behind those amazing structures. I also tookfollowed the course, "Introduction to Quantum Mechanics" and "Modern Physics" to gainacquire essential knowledge about electrons, photons, and semiconductors. Finding my thirst for learning more about the theories and applications of semiconductors, I also took studied "Introduction to Quantum Mechanics (II)" and started working on a National Science Council's college student research project. I finishedfollowed almost every undergrad level course available at NCTU for undergraduates on solid state devices and physics. I secured excellent grades for all these courses; however, this was notin sufficient to satisfy my desire for ancomprehensiveand in-depth learning of the subject. Without any hesitance, I did not hesitatedecided to take up some challenges during my senior year - taking a total of seven graduate-level classes. Fully motivated, I studied intensively and diligentlywith a keen interest on each course.As a result, not only have IThis helped advanced my knowlege significantly, but alsowhile I was able to received outstanding grades;Specially, I was ranked second highest in graduate level Quantum Mechanics with the gradescore of 92 out of 100. I am confident to say that I have spent myMy undergraduate years certainly did prepareing myself as a highly competitiveto be one of the most suitable candidates for post graduate studyies and research.

I shall help you with the rest of the essay after few hours.

Graduate / "electrical and computer engineering" - help in my EE SOP [10]

From what you have written I understand your committment, experience and passion for acquiring further knowledge in your interested field. I think those are the exact points you should highlight in your writing. My advice for you is to stay focus on the idea that you want to tell the reader without trying to include every little detail that is related. When you try to be more detailed, the reader would be sometimes mis-guided or loose interest in reading. I usually adopt the style of telling my ideas in a more direct manner without being rather abstract. Your style may be different. Whatever the style may be, the ultimate goal should be to convince the reader. Also do not mix up your flow of ideas. When you start on one idea, you should finish it and then start on another. Do not bring in new ideas and go back to previous ones you were talking about. That disturbs your flow. In your second para, I noticed something like that. (You talk about your involvement with the research project and then about your gradings and again on research.)

In my previous posts I only wanted to help you trim down your essay and also polish it wherever possible. I did not want to disturb you with my recommnedations. Since you ask for my suggestions now, I would like to tell what I personally feel about your first two paras;

My suggestion for your 1st para;

I wish to pursue a Master of Science degree course in electrical and computer engineering (ECE) at your esteemed institution which possesses a great reputation for facilitating rigorous research activities with state-of-the-art departmental resources.

-----I do not see it is important that you should talk about your future plans (PHD studies) at this point since, in my view, your prime objective is get accepted by the uni for a masters degree. When you try to include such information at this point it makes your proposal a bit confusing. This is my personal view. I may be not in the right track. Get someone else also to comment on this.

My suggestion for your 2nd para;

The desire to pursue a post-graduate course in ECE was concieved in me while I followed the course "Semiconductor Device Physics" during my undergraduate years. This course made me realize how semiconductors are fabricated, how they work as electronic devices, and the theories behind those amazing structures. in addition, the courses such as "Introduction to Quantum Mechanics", "Modern Physics" and "Introduction to Quantum Mechanics" further strengthened my passion for acquiring indepth knowledge in the field of ECE. I took up the challenge of taking a total of seven graduate courses in my senior year and worked very hard with my fullest committment. As a result, not only I was able to secure excellent gradings for all these courses but also I scored 92/100 for the subject, Quantum Mechanics. Therefore I am very confident about my future committment to post graduate studies that include research activities.

-----------Here I tried to cut down your detailed version to a more consice para, ( you should include if there's anything important that has been omitted) to give you some idea. Also I tried to arrange your flow because in certain places I found your ideas were repeated.

Just come back if you are happy with my advice so that I can help you further.

Graduate / "extensive research in System domain" - SOP for MS in CS [2]

As a modern theory states that learning is more efficient by doing,--------------------Is it a "modern theory" or a "saying"?

Due to anArmy background upbringingthe reason that I was brought up amidst a military background , my lifestyle was veryI was trained to be very organized and disciplined, which was pretty prevalent during my initial years in college. ------I feel the last sentence which I cut off is already implied and therefore no need to repeat.

Due to that, I used to become an automatic choice to co-ordinate events in my college. -------You use "due to" too often. Try to say this idea in a different way. For example;

Because of this reason, I was often given the responsibility of co-ordinating events in my college.

I conducted several events during my academics likesuch as game development contest in Solution'06, blood donation and cleanliness/social awareness camps, which not justonly enhanced my leadership qualities but helped me understand to efficient converse with peopledevelop communication and people skills .

Undergraduate / "my skateboard headed to my sanctuary" (who I am - suggestions/opinions) [3]

Hi,
You can write so well. There is no question about your writing ability. However, I have a doubt whether you cover everything the prompt is asking. I feel you touch on your admiration and love for the place you grew and barely talked about the human world around you such as your family, community or school. Just give some thought to this point. Your writing is perfect.

Writing Feedback / An important skill for a person in the world today (using a computer)? [4]

Nowadays we are living in a technologicallyadvanced world, which is opened to be developed.--------I do not understand what you mean by "which is opened to be developed". I feel your sentence has better clarity without this part.

In my opinion the most important gadgetdevice in recent days is computer.------"gadget" is not the appropriate word here since it usually refers to a small device that performs or aids a simple task. Computer is a more complicated equipment. Thus the most significant skill for a person is using professionally anddeeply computer professionally .

Computer usage is like an obligation for several people.-----Again your idea is not properly conveyed to the reader.
My suggestion;
Today we live in a world of advanced technology where computer literacy has become an important life skill for any person. For example, one needs to know how to operate a computer to check his or her e-mails. Therefore in my opinion, literacy in computer applications is one important skill that a person should possess in order to be successful in life.

First of all, several people work with computers, not only computer engineers but also bankers and secretaries. ----- I feel this sentence is weak because this is a too obvious fact. You should write something to arouse the curiosity of the reader. Therefore you can ignore this whole sentence and start with your next sentence.

You can make toomuchdo things faster and more conveniently by using the computereasier than classic methods .--------Here you have a good point. Yes, computers make your life easier in contrast to many manual processes.

Undergraduate / "I am a consistent person, newspaper club" [5]

Actually, I have never stoppedgiven up any goals until I got them done.

Until I was in middle school, I was not sure thataboutwhichthe career I should seek for.

Then one day, I read onean article which said, 'Three major news paper companies in Korea are reporting news in favor of some corrupted politicians.'

be a world influent renowned Journalist, and fixexpose all the corruptions in media.

This goal led me to come to America. When I first came to America, I had no idea what could I could do forto achieve my goal. So, I just decided to take as many journalism related courses as I could. Thus, I took 3 English classes, and sociology class, and did not take any science and math class because I thought science and math would not be important for my goal. As a non-English person who came to America for the first time, it was a heavy load to take 3 English classes and sociology class atduring one year. However, my strong passion for my goaljournalism kept encouraging me to go forward, ending up having B for my all 3 English classes and B+ for my sociology class.

Scholarship / Mathematical and Science Olympiad - "three main achievements" [2]

In the last 4 years I was qualified for the Bulgarian National Mathematical Olympiad, the most important national contest, where I gainedwon two gold and two silver medals. By taking part toin this Olympiadcontest I concludedrealized that it is hard to get inon top, but even harder to remain therein the competition .

In the last 2 years I also qualified for the Bulgarian National Science Olympiad for Juniors, a contest where there are usedbased on three subjects: physics, chemistry and biology. This competition was a challenge for me because there wasit included a practical task for each subject. So, my creativity was stimulated to apply the theoretical knowledge during tasks.(This sentence does not convey your idea clearly. Is it-------Participants were expected to apply their theoretical knowledge during the tasks?)

Even thought I haven't obtaineddid not win any prize, I believe that my participation is a successwas useful because it helped lift my ranking higherthis year I ranked upper in tables than the precedent year . I learned that more important than the success is theperseverance is the most important factor for one's success .

Undergraduate / "I am a consistent person, newspaper club" [5]

Some help for shrinking your word count;

After I finishedCompleting my first year in America, I came tojoined Lehigh Valley Christian High School. When I came to the school,At Lehigh Valley I heard that the school would open thelearned that the school was going to form a student's news paper club for the first time. I became so excited about that , and joined in the club with full of zealso much enthusiasm . However, after the first paper came out , the members in the clubdidn't want to do the paper anymorewanted to stop further publications . But, I still wanted to do the paper. Thus, Iand decided to makepublish itthe paperall by myself. Since itHowever, it was impossible for me to cover all the paperprevious contents,So I decided to make the paper as thepublish a sport edition paper . SinceBecause itwould bebeingmythe first paper which was written by me, I wantedwished it to look likehave a professional papertouch such as the New York Times. Thus, I started subscribingsubscribed for New York Times weekly, and looked upstudied its style of writing. Also, I went toattended my school basketball games to take the fresh action pictures for the paper., and I evensometimes waited until 7:30 pm after school to have a personal interviews with boy'sthe basketball coach. When my sport paper was finally published, all students and teachers in my school said likewere astonishingly said , 'Who made this paper?', 'Man this paper is full of fun.' All these positive and encouragingreactions comments gave me a bigboosted my confidence and made me publish another sport edition.

I personally think thebelieve this experience from the news paper club iscontributed significantlyforto my lifeself-confidence because not only I did not stop writing a papereven though there was no one to work with me, but also I actually made people be satisfied with my paper.

Therefore, I am sure that my consistent zeal of being a world famous journalist will make me get through every hard courseface any challengefromat Penn State, and be a successful graduate of Penn State.------- I am not in much favour of using the word "consistent" because, for me, it doesn't click here well. I would rather prefer the words such as ambitious, perceverance

Graduate / "to work for the highest international organization" - M.SC ENV POLICY AND REGULATION [3]

Hi Nayani,
Excellent. This is probably the best I've come across in this forum.
You've done a good job. Hope you are within the required word count.
I'm sure you would be accepted by any uni.
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / "Different personalities and talents" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Our personalities make us different from one another human being . Each one of us has different personalities and talents that make us unique and special. ------your sencond sentence sounds like a repetition of the idea in your first sentence. I feel it is better to combine both sentences ;

Our personalities make us different from one another and as a result each person is unique and special.

For me, communication is one of the talents skills that willlandwould help me seek a good job in the future. I was born in a business environment in Vietnam, where my parents came from. They owned the biggest rice company in my hometown. andtT hey were the mostvery well known people aroundin the town. I spent most of my life at the company, which is my own home too wherethat I live in with three of my siblings. I grew up seeing saw my parents engagement with customers as I was growing up , from a friendly greets to a business conversation.

Graduate / "To pursue a bachelors' degree in mechanical engineering" - ECE Grad School [3]

Sounds good. See whether you can break up this into two or three paras.

Some minor suggestions;
This has been an invaluable experience but it has also shown me my deficienciesand it also made me realize my own weaknesses .
I feel that a graduate degree in electrical/computer engineering at the Savannah campus of Georgia Tech will givewould provide me with the well-rounded education needed to advance in the field of robotics and more specifically control theory.

You've done it well. Good Luck!

Undergraduate / (an online community of writers) APP: an experience of cultural difference. [3]

You have an interesting essay to read. Following are some of my suggestions;

Caucasians, in particular Americans, fall into one of the two groups;

As the majority of Singaporeans are Asian, interactions between those of western cultures are few and far between . --------For me, the idea is not so clear, especially the idea of the part in red.

He had written an insightful piece about a character from a television show and I was slightly stunned that he had such maturity and depth in his writing.

We somehow became friends even withdespite of all my previous misgivingsmisconceptions and it was then that I truly learnt that although our cultures are different, neither one was good or bad.

I began to view relationship dynamics differently, that it is not between a man and a woman, but between two individuals who loved each other.

Undergraduate / timid new world - my first year in america [5]

From your essay I became an admirer of your personality. Yes, you need to have courage to face change in order to adapt to the new environment. It does not mean that you need to change what you believe in. You are an example for many young people who blindly follow new trends.

People treated me as if I were an odd-ball.-----nice saying

I was madeOthers had fun out of me for the things I didn't have in common with these new people. The students in my class made faces at me, madehad fun ofover my accent, and even tripped me. I was alone in this new world except for my family at home.

With the help that I received, I realized that I had to become one of the "fittest" for the world whichonly has room only for the strong ones.----I personally, not in favor of using the word "fittest" and believe you can say it in a better way. Because your ideas are great and they need a good backing with excellent writting.

Living in a new world requiredinvolve transitions. ------ in my view, "Living in a new world would require certain adaptations". Itransitionedadapted to the new environment rather than having myself completely transformed.

Graduate / What is my motivation to apply for the EuroPubHealth Master course? (Swedish citizen) [5]

You have a grand start. Your first para is very impressive. However, I find less clarity in the first sentence of your second para;

These days I see parts of myself daily in children at work .----- This sentence is not written properly to convey your idea to the reader. I believe what you try to say is that you experience flashbacks of your childhood at your work place. Am I correct?

The Nutrition Education Project (NEP) assists schools in building their capacity to meet the needs of the whole child . ------ This is confusing me. Is it whole needs of the child? What do you mean by "whole child"?

NEP was one of the first in the US to enter low-income schools to educate students, teachers, and families about the benefits of eatinghaving a healthy diet and increasing physical activityexercises .

So how do you teach children and families about the importance of eating breakfast in order to do well in school when they have nowhere to live, no plates of forks, and nowhere to store food? ----very impressive

You've written it so well. Just give attention to these minor points.
Good Luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay; I believe that companies' changing employees is acceptable. [3]

Many companies want to hire more employees while some workers are fired.
I suggest;
Many companies follow the hire and fire policy with respect to their employees.

I suppose that changing company staffs occasionally is anmore acceptable idea due to current economic circumstances for the following reasons.

If someonean employeecan notfails toadjust adapt himself to the new environment, then such an employee should be fired. In order to survive,The companies too need to follow the market needsadapt to new market trends and dynamics for their own survival in business.

Graduate / "To pursue a bachelors' degree in mechanical engineering" - ECE Grad School [3]

Inmy view , see this field is as expanding exponentially as things move towards automation.

Going to another institution would be, in my opinion, a major step backwards. -----I wish that you try to say this idea in a different way

It's fine. You'll surely be accepted!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Boys and girls should attend separate schools [11]

The major complaint against "Single-sex" schools is that boys and girls from these instituteinstitutions have some difficultiestoin communicateing with the opposite sex when they grow up.

They didn't have any problems or any difficulties when they contactinteract with the other sex.

First, students in these single-sex schools pay more attention to their studyies and their workother extra-curricular activities .

When children reach the age of puberty, they take a lot of notice inbecome more concerned about their appearance and how the members of oppositeother sex think about them. ------- good point.

What does that mean? That means the girls can drop their shyness and begin to show themselves more.have no reason to worry about and be backward in their activities.

ThoseSuch sports are usually played only by boys in normalmixed gender schools.

Second, withinthese single-sex schools the parents don't have or at leasthave less worryies about sexual relationships of their children before they graduate from High school or University.during their High school or University years .

Undergraduate / Technology, community, lack of communication in my hometown - change [2]

In recent years, a lack of communication between people has been a significant issue in modern societyies .

ItThis fact is certainlytruevery validforof my home town.

In this essay, several reasons of the phenomenon and solutions will be discussed.-----This sentence sounds a bit abrupt and unfriendly. It is better that you use direct speech rather than indirect in order to convey your ideas to the reader more effectively. For example;

I wish to discuss the reasons for this issue and the soultions to overcome this problem in the following paragraphs;

One of the biggest reasons is that people has lost their opportunities to interact with neighbours.-----------good point

There used to be various kinds of local communities few decades ago, however, less and less people participate in these communities because they are busy forwith work and study in a recent hectic society.------- community refers to " a group of people". Therefore, in my view, the part in red sounds improper. You can say "community gatherings".

The development of technology also,too, has lead led to littleweaken human relationships in the society.

Undergraduate / Recent academic challenge - math studying [4]

Hi,

AlthoughHowever , throughout these last couple of years my math skills have improved. , it's still a challenge for me to ace any math class .------ I think you should not tell that you are still not good at maths because they expect you to write about a challenge that you have successfully dealt with and overcome the problem. Therefore this part of your sentence rather reduces the strength of your case.

Undergraduate / "A Safari to Last a Life Time" - Evaluate a significant experience [4]

Hi,
Life is a journey, filled with adventure, risk, and opportunities. Two years ago, I traveled to India, a profoundly diverse country, and went to a resort with all my immediate relatives . ----- This is a very good start. It flows so well and the only part that did not really appeal me was "immediate relatives". I felt that gives a rather vague feeling to the sentence. Better if you use a simple term such as "family", "cousins" etc. However, that is my feeling. Your sentence is not wrong and I intend to further improve its effect.

This trip taught me much about life in a way that I never envisioned. When I reflect on this journey, it reveals to me what really matters in life: the value of family, and how life is really just an ongoing safari, in which we must adapt to our circumstances.------ Very interesting.

Good Luck with your application!

Undergraduate / "International Academy of Computer Graphics" -SOP [5]

I, Darasani Santosh Kumar, wish to pursue my study at your esteemed school. To enable you to assess me, I present this testimony which contemplates my academic background and my goals.

I was one among the selected few to gain an admission into the 1st standard in one of the most prestigious academic institutions -The Montessori High School.

This excellent schooling I received during the formative years of my life spur me to excel atin academics.

I always had a keen interest in films,and my first introduction to the field of films happened while I was at school,.At that timesDuring school days I used to develop various stage characters which gradually broughtearned me recognition in the campus and Inter-college festivals.

The encouragement and praise I received from teachers and parents alike further strengthened my resolve. --------------You capitalize on indirect speech for writing. I think direct speech is more effective and reader friendly. For example;

My parents and teachers equally encouraged me that helped strengthen my interests in the film industry.

Undergraduate / "Fashion to FIT" - coming to the school ready and eager to learn [3]

Fashion speaks to me and brings out creativity that I never knew I had. -------- Very impressive. Just a small suggestion;
Fashion speaks to my heart and brings out my creative talents that I never knew I had.-------This is only a suggestion that you can consider.

I was always around fashion growing up. ------For me, this doesn't convey your idea clearly to the reader. I prefer if you re-write this idea to give more effect to what you are going to tell the reader next.

While attending the school , I volunteered at prom time magazine fashions show, I did hair and a little make-up and it was here thatthen I decided that I want to get into fashion more in-depth.,t T he first school that came to mind was FIT (At this point, it's better that you add something about FIT to support your case of deciding to study there. For example; FIT's wide range of courses, reputation or networking opportunities that would help achieve your goal).

Even though accounting is not wantthe field I wanted to go to school for it can help me in the long run for my fashion careerpursue, I thought it would contribute to the success of my fashion career in the long run .

Now that I am done with myin possession of associate's degree in accounting and ready toI can now peruseersue my intendeddream of lifeand behappy . ( it is implied that you'll be happy by achieving your dream)

I am interested in fashion merchandising management because I have a good eye for putting things together. ------ excellent

Your essay is very interesting. Your answer to the prompt well describes your personality, ambitions and committment. Well done and good luck!

Undergraduate / "International Academy of Computer Graphics" -SOP [5]

Let me see how I can help you;

I, Darasani Santosh Kumar wish to pursue my study at your esteemed school. To enable you to assess me, I present this testimony which contemplates my academic background and my goals.---------I personally feel this is not a friendly start from the reader's perspective. It sounds a bit too distant and official. I would suggest you;

I wish to pursue my higher studies at your esteemed institution which, in my belief, has the capability to help me accomplish my goals;

Later in India, at Hyderabad, I enrolled injoined the International Academy of Computer Graphics and successfully finished the program, SAM {Specialization in Advanced Multimedia}.Here I was trained forrecieved training on 3D and composting software's. During this period I and my team developed 3 short films, out of which one wasgot nominated in for a regional film festival held in Madras. ButHowever at that time I reallyhad beendepressedworried(I prefer the word "worried" instead of "depressed") about the level of my professional skills which were lackingI felt as insufficientat that time . Expertise is a must or else I will not be un able to appeal in this competitive worldoutsmart my competitors . These feelings made me more active and drivedrove my attentioninto participating inmany events likesuch as "The International animation day "2008 and 2009 of Asia held in Hyderabad, W where I represented our team on the behalf of my college. But still the education provides the required skill and opportunities.(this sentence (Bold) confuses the reader. Are you trying to say "However, I felt the requirement of further studies to develop required skills to capture the opportunities in the industry".) So I decided to pursue One yeara practical filmmaking course of one year . Now I want to learn about the film industry in a comprehensive waydepth;Hh ow theymovies are formed from the ground-up and why the brilliant directors like Stephen Spielberg do the things they do, who have achieved the critical and commercial success been so successful. For all theseIn order to acquire this knowledge and skills I need ato find the right place for mewhere I can educate myself and I believe ***** school is that place which can possesses capabilities in every respect to provide meits students the platform to arise and excel in my endeavorstheir learning process such as its excellent module, location,...,etc.is the best choice for me . The first thing that attracted me to this institute is its excellent module, And also the location of the school, which is at***** studious.

Writing Feedback / My Little 'Buddha' [6]

A few suggestions;

The pundit was furios with Lord Buddha, believing that Buddha's influence polluted his wife's mind with absurd things, was very infuriated . So in rage, he beganThis misconcept drove the pundit to upbraid Lord Buddha in front of his followers. However, Buddha, instead of attempting to defendinghimself from accusations , Lord Buddha remained calm and quiet, just smiling.

But he was astounded by Lord Buddha's calmness despitein face of his severe scolding.

Soon, he acknowledgedrealized his fault that he shouldn't have condemned Buddha by notwithouteventryingmaking any effort to know who Buddha was and what made his wife such a devoted followerand what were his[ intentions . He realizedbecame convinced of Lord Buddha's greatness of Buddha. Therefore,and hewent backreturned to Buddha and askedto ask for forgiveness.

This incident of BuddhaBuddhist storyremindedprompted me to ponder onof my own weakness.

Undergraduate / "Next Stop: Dawes Road" Topic of your choice- Common Application [3]

You have a great essay. It's truly a very inspiring one and I'm so lucky to have read it. I have some small suggestions for your consideration;

Soon, however, their questions becameturned into their interest, and more and more joined me until our friendships grew from my love of creation .--------Just give some thought for this sentence. It is the only one I found in your essay that does not clearly convey your idea. Hope you would improve it.

I have not feltdid not feel isolation since my early elementary years.

What I have always prized about myself is my love ofpassion for acquiring new knowledge .

Well done. Good luck with your application!

Graduate / "to make medical care more accessible for the poor" - Master in public health [3]

Hi,

But as I grew up I came to knewknow that by doing his job my fatherhe is indeed servingtruly serves the countrynation . by this job andHis commitment and sacrifices inspired my perception onstimulatedin me humanity and human bond , and I began to develop a strong sense for human relationships, bonds and feelings. Such sensitivity towards humanity especially requireddrove my interest towardsfor the health care profession.