Graduate /
Do the experiences written in my personal statement reveal my academic ability? [4]
Your university is among the most prominent ones in the United States and also enjoys a high reputation overseas.
Always write the name of the university, it will read much better that way.
In terms of my interest in advertising, it has to trackdates back to my second year at universitycollege .
I'm not sure if the college you are applying to is American, but we typically say "my years in college." We use the word "university" more for when we are naming the school.
In the summer holiday of that year, I was helping my aunt to
hand out leaflets to promote her newly opened hair salon.
I have recognized that although there were a large number of leaflets handed out, most people have thrown them away.
Try rewording this sentence to say something like, "I discovered that many of the leaflets I handed out were thrown away."
Because there are several outstanding subjects in advertising at your university, getting admission to your university is my top choice.
I would reword this conclusion. Add the name of the school before the comma, and delete the second part of the sentence. I would say something more like, "I have recognized the school as my top choice."
Thus, I have taken two advertising related subjects as my elective classes in the Communication & Literature College of my university. They were Advertising Psychology and Photographic Art Appreciation.
You could combine these sentences to read, "Thus, I have taken two related subjects, Advertising Psychology and Photographic Art Appreciation, in the Communication and Literature College at my university." Also, don't use the "&" symbol. Always write out "and" in an essay.
LearningTaking these two courses lead to my increasing interest in advertising as well as some relevant knowledge.
I was the chargerin charge of the basketball team and publicity committee of our class.One day I was notified that our basketball team players have always passed the ball on to our opponents by mistake.
Being explained to repeatedly aboutI explained what kind of profit and effect could be brought from sponsoring our game, and the store manager finally agreed. It turned out that the sales dramatically increased by the publicity of the basketball game.
Another experience is also necessary to be mentioned.
You don't need to say this. Instead just open the next sentence with something like "Another valuable experience I have had..."
While focusing on my academic knowledgeacademics , I also participated in numerous extracurricular activities in my university.
On the one hand, I'm a major in Piano Performance. Persistent interest and passion was the key motivation for my adhering tostudying the piano for more than thirteen years since I was seven years old .
You don't have to use the word "studying" but there are better ways to phrase what you are trying to say there.
Besides , I have also attended drama acting classes.
You can say drama or acting, but only choose one because using them both would be redundant.
On the other hand, I was worked for our School Television during which I have played in and organized many stage plays offor the Drama Group.
In addition, being rewardedrecognized by the English Speech Committee and with many piano performances at the School Art Troupe on various occasions are impressive and significant memories for me, which largely enrichedenriching my four years of university life.
In a word , all these precious experiences have enabled me to broaden my circles of friends, and at the same time improve my interpersonal skills.
I would say "in conclusion", becuase saying "In a word" suggests you could describe your experience with only one word.
Although I have to deal with all kinds of little things, I learntlearned a lot from every day's work.
Be sure to mention what kind of things you had to deal with.
Being genuine was the first thing I havelearntlearned when I startedstarting
this job.
The first time I walked in the office and saw many strange faces, instead of being nervous and quiet, I said hello to everyone with a genuine smile on my face.
At the end, I had a grasp of practical experience which showed the true value of the knowledge I have learntlearned .
There is another unusual thing has made me mature which had taken place during the time I was working at School Television.
Reword this sentence to say something like, "Another experience that has made me mature took place during my time working with the School Television."
However, after listening to its melody several times, I realized that some parts of her music were the same as the opening tune of <Pathetique Sonata> from BeethovenBeethoven's "Pathetique Sonata."
...I was certain that Alice had a suspicion of plagiarism.
Say that "I suspected Alice of plagiarism."
Under these circumstances, I fell into a dilemma and had to make a choice between hiding the truth for the sake of our friendship andorrevealing the fact with the risk of putting the relationship into the end.accusing her of plagiarism .
Here, you don't have to mention that accusing her of plagiarism would end your relationship, it is understood.
To reiterate, I am confident that I have full preparation for postgraduate education at your esteemed university and your favorable consideration will be highly appreciated.
I would revise this sentence, the conclusion for your paper should wrap everything up a little better.
Overall, you have done a very good job for having English as your second language. There weren't too many misuses of phrases or terms, and it was all very understandable. However, your writing is a little elementary. I don't know what kind of consideration you will receive from the admissions office being from China, but if you have an English Professor that could review your work, particularly an American (if you are trying to go to an American school) I would see if they would consider reading your essay and giving you a few more tips to make it better. Also, keep in mind that although I speak English, I am not a great editor. There may be more mistakes or better ways to phrase your sentences, so keep asking for advice from other people.
I hope you find my corrections helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in the future!
