Unanswered [12] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by livedreamfly3
Joined: Dec 29, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 30  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 33
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Harvest time and teaching season, my summers, Princeton supplement [6]

Finally, after lots of efforts, I was able to attend at the "Astronomy Summer School". A school that the most talented students from all over Iran are collected there. Ten students of this group are chosen to be members of the "Iranian Astronomy Olympiad Team". The school's goal is to provide equal educational opportunities for everyone and then decide the bests.

A LOT OF TELLING. and unclear phrases. i think the transitions need to be much smoother.

We lived in a small dormitory for a season, a season with a lot of experiences.

Finally, the school's committee chose me to be a member of the national team, and we are going to the International competition, IOAA, in Poland next summer.
Summer of 2009
That summer was my teaching season! I remember that I was teaching most of the day and I still had enough energy.

TOO MUCH TELLING.

My classes were active and students could find the solution of their questions in teamwork or as an individual.

how were they active?

i think you need to focus on one part from that summer.
there's too much "jumping around."
sounds like a unique experience though. :)

***PLEASE EDIT MY COMMON APP!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Sense of family", Denison supplement [5]

i just need to say that you could easily replace the words "Denison" with any other college name.
these kind of essays look for specifics; for you to prove that you did your "homework" on the school.

***PLEASE EDIT MY COMMON APP! :D
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Responsibility, Humility and Kennedy -> Amherst Supplement [3]

My participation in organizations like Model United Nations and Policy Debate have rewarded me with insight into the mechanics of international affairs and domestic political reform;[/quote]
overall, you have good writing skills.
I suggest addressing the quote in your conclusion to "wrap it up"

***thanks for editing my essay! :
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "accelerated dental programs" - BOSTON UNIVERSITY [2]

A LOT of telling in this essay.
why not talk about the activities and more than the minors at BU?
maybe talk about ENVISIONING yourself on the campus.
imagery!
--that's so cool that ur an ambassador's daughter! ^^ i'm jealous. :P

***PLEASE EDIT MY COMMON APP ESSAY!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "we will be the best of friends" - Dear roommate stanford [3]

I want to first tell you what I found out about myself just a few days ago-that I am funny.

not very believable, if you only found out recently.

overall, i don't really get a sense of who you are. there are plenty of people out there that have the same mind set as you.

I suggest a different angle, completely. (sorry for the harshness!)

***PLEASE EDIT MY COMMON APP! GOOD LUCK! :D
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I embraced a new lifestyle" - commonapp essay on diversity [4]

hello again,
first of all. this topic is overused. "transitioning" "moving" etc.
maybe talk about a specific activity that stayed with this transitioning process and how a passion developed for it. :)

***GOOD LUCK! could u edit my Stanford essay??
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / (Civil Engineering) + (my academic criteria) - Virginia Tech Personal Statements [5]

hmmm it's different to read an essay for transferring! :D
first, you have good writing skills but i think it'd be best to expand on main ideas like this one:

into my future career.

^what is it?

-I didn't really get a true "desire" from you that you want to attend Virginia Tech.
-I don't think it's a good idea to just flat-out say your grades are unsatisfactory. Instead, I think you should expand on your lesson from "failure" to taking new chances.

***thanks for editing my essay!!! GOODLUCK!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / It's different; cross-cultural understanding---Essay for commonapp. [2]

On the other hand, they saw a difference in how I dress-up. I am a muslim and wear hijab on my head. They asked me why I always wear a kind of scarf on my head and because it was winter, they also asked if I wore a scarf over her head to avoid me from the cold. Yes, I did see two differences here, about religion and how to dress. I tried to explain them that this is a principle that I confided in my religion. And I did not see difficulty to handle things like this, so my host family. We maintain our principles, but we also respect each other.

^I would definitely expand this. how about talking about other occurrences maybe similar to this?
more imagery. how you felt when the family asked you... etc.
-- I have to say it's pretty dangerous to talk about travel experiences and how different it was
they're pretty cliché, so i think if you wrote more about how you felt about this situation it'd be better
"cultural differences" is an overused topic. sorry.

***thanks for editing my essay! :D GL!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Happiness is relative, truth is absolute, randomness is awkward" - Rice Perspective [6]

this is a tough cookie

cliche?

When our conversation was over, I felt different, as if the man standing in the mirror, and the man in reality were different, though the same. The man in the mirror was me, and I was him, but it was as if I knew so little about him, as if I was hidden away, always dwelling in the world and never inside myself. In the next moment it did not matter anymore; dinner was ready and we were having curry... with rice.

you did a good job of summing the essay together.

but i'm not exactly sure you'd really want to go from this angle. it's very unique and original, however, some could perceive it as corny and forced.

***thanks for reading my essay :D
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "COWBOY BOOTS" - STANFORD - ROOMMATE LETTER [14]

I am very affable and extremely respectful, so you will never have to worry about me snooping through personal belongings.

i think mentioning even the possibility of ^ happening is a no no

Since I am an only child,

abrupt transition

overall i really like the cowboy boots metaphor.

***thanks for editing my essay :)
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Discover Florence" - SU: why i chose to apply to SU essay + other su essays [4]

the content of all your essays are very good.
you may have heard this already but you're doing A LOT of telling and not showing.

I held back my tears as I watched a four year old beg for food and water.

^this sentence is perfect.
showing is really effective in college app essays because it shows the reader how you react to certain things. plus, it helps to understand who you are. "get into your mind" if you will.

I think if you could just expand on your ideas rather than moving to the next swiftly.
your essays will be great!

**thanks for editing my essay! i really appreciate it! :D
good luck with SU!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a girl." COMMON APP [12]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

At the age of six, I was given a chance comparable to Pandora's box. On February 1, 1999, in Raleigh, North Carolina, I had the opportunity to name my youngest baby sister. The thought process included going through the list of names of my best friends in my first grade class and the consideration of naming her "Molly" after the main character in my favorite TV show, "Big Comfy Couch." Eventually, I came to the conclusion of naming her "Kristin" because it had a "Kuh" sound and because the name "Catherine" has the same sound. Catherine was the name of my other sister. I thought that if I had let my imagination go wild, my dad would have disapproved. It was important to me to be approved by my dad because my suggestions couldn't be more of a disappointment than I already was. I still recall the heaviness and regret that hung in the air as my dad walked away to name the baby, Kristin, a name he had not expected to give. The perfect list of names for his son was dashed, alongside our family's tradition of male heirs that had lasted for decades.

Before the birth of my youngest sister, Kristin, my younger sister Catherine was attempt number two. When Catherine came home from the hospital in my mother's gentle arms, I saw a facial expression on my dad that was trying to hide a myriad of emotions. Even at a young age, I could suspect disappointment. I looked away and hoped it would fade because I wanted Catherine to be safe. Unfortunately, when Kristin came home, the expression came back and I finally realized why it had returned. To him we were failures. I could envision the thought cloud floating above my dad's head going "poof, poof" because no child of his would be able to fulfill his imagination of fatherhood. My dad would never go to the batting cage, spend hours upon hours trying to get past the one level on the hottest video game in stores, or even be able to say, "like father, like son."

Within my family, my dad is the first son of my grandfather, who is also the first son; my sisters and I brought shame to our family line. Throughout my life, I have been climbing mountain after mountain to reach the Ivory Tower of my grandparents' and father's expectations. Even after decades of feminist movements around the world, there are still nations that refuse to move forward; they choose to value the male more than the female. The inability to carry on the family name as a female is the root of this burden. My dream to rid the world of gender inequality is a product of my life experience. I am aware that my dream is of great magnitude, but to prove the value of women around the world, dreaming big is what I must do.

polished level? how effective/memorable will it be to the reader?
constructive criticism appreciated!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am an oddball." - Stanford to Future Roommate [7]

I love your ideas! :)
i just wish there was some sort of transition between them to improve the flow.
^just a suggestion!

**please edit my northwestern essay! :D
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Imagination, Creativity, and Freedom -- Why Stanford Essay [10]

I took open courseware courses this summer from Stanford's SEE program and was utterly captivated by a simple YouTube video of a Stanford professor teaching Programming Methodology. I can only imagine all that Stanford professors can offer me in person.

i think that if you focused purely on this experience and what you SAW. this essay could be more personal and effective. :)

**please edit my northwestern essay!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "children go through a psychosexual development" - Carnegie Supplement [6]

you have great ideas, like i said before.
I think you need to write these ideas down on a sheet of paper.
Your metaphor with the "cave" and your ideas, i believe can work well if you set it straight in your brain what your motive is.

Above all else, i think ^ method will help with transitions, choppiness, etc.
(it's what i do! ^^)
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "thinking outside the box" - What makes Stanford a good place for you? [6]

I agree with ShadoPoig.
I'm asian myself, and I wouldn't suggest emphasizing your asianness. FTW V.V
I think if you maybe found a particular thing about stanford that you KNOW no other university offers, you'll find your niche!
Overall, you have good writing skills... just need a better premise!

**PLEASE EDIT MY STANFORD INTELLECTUAL ESSAY! :D
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "to pay respects to my ancestors" Personal Statement (Topic of Choice) [4]

but still had high expectations and struggled for a home in America.

but more importantly,

But, But -- i'm not a big fan of repetition. ;)

overall, GOOD premise. :)
i think it'll be memorable!
congrats on great essay.

**please edit my stanford intellectual experience!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "children go through a psychosexual development" - Carnegie Supplement [6]

*First of all, it seems kind of amateur-ish to start off the essay with questions.

not just because I had a bad day.

not because of the sinfully delicious chocolate.

because I was able to understand myself.

because, because,because. unless it's meant to be poetic, idt this repetition is helping.

Good premise.
I enjoy the metaphor with the cave and fireflies. sums up the essay nicely!
GL!

**please edit my Stanford essay! :)
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "the underdog in a foreign country" common app statement and short answer [5]

I was still learning grade one material while my peers were already on grade five. My peers were starting to become irritated by my never ending questions,

too repetitive. mentioning "peers" twice

Even though I was among peers of the same age,

^here again

but it was extremely difficul

how was it difficult? good opportunity for imagery. :)

I seriously would have to adjust my attitude towards school greatly if I wanted any sort of output.

not formal enough.

This was a game against me.

I think it'd be more eloquent to say: "I was fighting against myself."

ll the late nights of memorizing and all the belittling looks from my peers did not matter anymore; this moment was priceless. It meant that I was making a progress that no one could disprove of.

more imagery. :D

That year, I was ranked third in my Chinese class and top fifteen percent of my elementary graduating class. When I received the news, I did not boast or scream out of ecstasy because I knew how hard I worked for this, and I knew exactly how many extremes and limits I conquered to get there. I pushed myself to reach my potential, for one's biggest limitation is only oneself.

more imagery. (:

I enjoy the premise of the 2nd one.
Imagery was great. :) There are some grammatical errors. Be meticulous! ^^

**thanks for editing my essay!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Touring the West Bank" - STANFORD INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE [7]

Constructive criticism and feedback will be GREATLY appreciated.
*if you edit mine, i'll edit back. :)

An idea or experience, you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
Last summer, I had the amazing opportunity to visit Israel with my high school friends, AP Comparative Politics teacher, and my United States History teacher. Many months prior to the trip, I did all I could do to know about Israel from every aspect: I bought multiple guide books, practiced my Hebrew and Arabic, and read the Lemon Tree, a novel impartially written captured the Arab and Jew perspective in the heart of the Middle East. I was prepared to gain an intellectually stimulating experience of a lifetime.

This occurred when our group was able to tour the West Bank. Passports in hand, one by one, we stepped towards the Foreigner booth. I flashed my United States passport and found myself staring at a Palestinian woman in traditional clothes with a newborn strapped to her back. Beads of sweat dripped down her face; her dark eyes flashed a look of hatred that said, "You Americans." After the tour of the West Bank, we returned to our cool air-conditioned bus and sat down on soft clothed seats. Peering through a tainted window to the Palestinians on the other side, I could not forget the woman's dejected and exhausted eyes. She was telling me to do something, almost pleading, underneath her abhorrence for me as an American. She has affected me to make every decision as a World citizen rather than an American. I recognize that my opportunities given to me as an American are unattainable privileges for others, but I have also come to realize the need to seize these opportunities and advocate for those who do not have the rights or the means to do so themselves.
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "an abundance of career options and successful education" - WHY NORTHWESTERN? [4]

first of all... this is really heavy on the "I____" "I____"
if you've seen the campus why not comment on the aesthetics, the dynamic of the university; describe the direct feel you got from the Northwestern students, etc.

You can make direct notes on the observations you've made on the campus. :)
livedreamfly3   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "From journalism to fashion and traveling to film" - UPenn Supp. Essay :) [7]

I really loved the ending of your essay!
^I agree with amberisdead. I suggest choosing 3ECS/classes/whatever and elaborate and go deeply into them?
Your enthusiasm for Penn leaps off the page! :)
overall, good job!

*Thanks for editing my essay! & I'm Korean too! Maybe there's a possibility that we'll see each other at KSA!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Inspiration through Curiosity" - Common Application Essay [3]

***I enjoy the last paragraph. the set-up is MUCH TOO long. but i like the ideas presented.
Again, as i commented within the essay, I can't picture your first encounter with this modeling kit. Think about the 5 senses. what you saw, instead of "Now remember..."

THANKS FOR EDITING MY ESSAY! :)
oh and the prompt for my northwestern one was: "what are the unique qualities of Northwestern- and of the specific undergrad school to which you are applying- that makes you want to attend the university? In what ways d you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?"
livedreamfly3   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Taking to the Sky" CommonApp - Pick your own topic [3]

I'm not sure I like last three paragraphs.
Your taekwondo story is not as strong.. I would have to say.
Maybe add something different? It doesn't really read like you cared about this "lesson."
livedreamfly3   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Purple - Unique qualities, Northwestern Supplement Essay (Why NU?) [5]

OVERALL:
good premise =)
i enjoy the ideas in your essay but I cant ENVISION them, if you will.
the first paragraph is great-- keep the momentum from the first paragraph.
I think you could be more creative with the ideas you have. Weave them together better, if you will.
To use a metaphor..
right now you have pretty quilt squares, but not a quilt blanket... ;)
thanks for editing my essay!
livedreamfly3   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Idle time and Spontaneity -- Stanford Roomate Essay [9]

Overall, it's well organized... I like some of the random quirkiness. (palindrome.. etc.)
Yes, idt the 1st paragraph is necessary.
No-- don't add more stuff about school.
I think you should emphasize on what you think you'll be expected to "do" around stanford.
The whole point of this essay is to show what is NOT in your activity CA or your other profile questions. I think for this one, it's best to focus on the quirks and weird things that you find fascinating.

:)
livedreamfly3   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "a road trip to see the Northwestern campus" - NORTHWESTERN [6]

During the summer of 2009, my family and I took a road trip to see the Northwestern campus. As we past the Sears Tower and Cloud gate, I realized that the urban setting of Chicago was leery and unnerving for a suburban girl like myself. As my family's Honda Pilot past the green Evanston sign and entered the campus, I was completely taken back by the juxtaposition of modern architecture and Victorian style buildings. The combinations of extremes were eye-opening and summoned the urge for me to grab a textbook for Poli Sci 240 Introduction to International Relations and read on the freshly mown green grass on Deering Meadow. Although regular classes weren't in session, the local Barnes & Nobles was lurking with students in their Wildcat purple. Their bodies were carrying humongous loads, but the expressions on their faces contained enthusiasm, and not discomfort from the weight of their textbooks. My family and I stopped by the closest Starbucks, sat outside, basked in the comfortable summer heat and sights of a visionary college town. After this brief college visit, I immediately went on the Northwestern website and perused the website longer than I usually did for Facebook (2-4 hours).

From this browsing session, I found that Northwestern was the university that could fully prepare me for my ambition to be an effective global citizen. To fulfill this goal, I suspect that I will be an international studies major at Northwestern and what intrigues me the most about this major at the university, is its International Studies residential college option. It provides the opportunity of learning beyond the classroom, living with peers and a roommate that have the same passions, as I do. This is my definition of an idealistic collegiate education, and Northwestern offers the seemingly fantastic imagination.

Of course, plain old fun and games should also be added to any perfect picture. Beyond anything else in my high school career, I remember the experiences I had with my extracurricular activities, not the grades I received in my classes (gosh! If I only had that single measly point in Enr. Physical Science my freshman year...). Only with a huge undergraduate class of over 8,000 people does a gargantuan list of intriguing and out-of-this-world activities appear. I see the amazing varsity athletics that shine in the Big Ten, where I can reminisce on my own high school varsity football games, always cheering for a winning team. I get excited about watching the Freshman Fifteen perform, where at Northwestern, is known as an a cappella group, not a weight-challenging plague that affects almost every freshman at all colleges nationwide. I am enthused by the Happiness Club because I imagine that it will be my "scene" at Northwestern. This club will always allow me to access my childhood by participating in sticker giveaways, chalking sidewalks, and building sand castles.

These unique qualities of Northwestern are what make me want to "carpe" a college education.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳