Writing Feedback / Traditional newspapers are believed to hold the most vital position among news readers [3]


You just need to paraphrase the statement: Although more and more people read news on the Internet, newspapers will remain the most important source of news. Do not use "despite the fact" as it has made the idea in your sentence inconsistent with the idea in the given statement. Another issue is that "the most important source of news" should be taken into consideration when paraphrasing the statement. This one, "are believed to hold the most vital position among news readers," is not related to the reference point that newspapers remain to be the most important source of news.


I think the reason provided in your thesis statement is good. You do not need to use an intensifier like "strongly," since the question only asks whether you agree or disagree.


There are too many issues that I have seen with this one. First is "On the one hand" as a transitional device to start the discussion of your body. You have already chosen one side, and that was to oppose the given statement; therefore, it is unnecessary to use "on the one hand" to introduce the first of two contrasting points. Second is the idea in the sentence. You should not begin your body discussion by mentioning the advantages of newspapers as it is not what you are supposed to discuss. Please refer to your thesis statement.

Presenting a balanced discussion of both sides (first para and second para) must not be done in writing an agree/disagree essay; otherwise, your paper will not get a good score.

Writing Feedback / Bullying is a big problem in many schools. What do you think are the causes of this? Any solutions? [5]


In this sentence, you have incorrectly restated the idea from the topic (Bullying is a big problem in many schools.). You should have not used these content words - "debate" and "progress" - as these have changed the idea in the given topic.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 : The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050 [4]


"From 1950 to 2050" is different from "between 1950 and 2050." In other words, "between...and" and "from...to" should not be used interchangeably. Based on the graph, you are supposed to illustrate the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - SAVING ANIMAL SPECIES [4]


Please try to re-read the statement, "Many people feel it is a waste of money to try to save endangered animal species, for example the tiger or the blue whale." It would be better if you say: I totally disagree with the idea that spending money to protect threatened species is worthless + your reason/s.


You have to answer the question; therefore, you have to clearly state your side whether you agree or disagree. Likewise, the idea in this sentence is too broad and irrelevant in connection to the given statement.

Writing Feedback / Computers are believed to be smarter than humans by several scientists in no time [5]


You have used an incorrect verb form (are believed - past participle) in this sentence. The expression "in no time" indicates that the action will take place in the future. Please consider revising :)


This is your thesis statement; however, I have found several issues. Firstly, you have not answered the question correctly. The question, " To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?" means how FAR you agree or disagree with the given statement ( I agree, I strongly agree, I disagree, I strongly disagree, etc.). Secondly, you have not clearly stated your opinion. The word "technology" is a general term which means it also includes other tools; thus, it does not specifically refer to computers. Thirdly, I would like to emphasize that the pronoun "it" refers to technology, not to computers; hence, you have to consider correct word choice as well to improve this sentence.

Scholarship / One of my cardinal principles is influencing my immediate environment and my country at large [4]

Iin 2007,...
Thus, I took part ... -- Replace "took part" with another term; it was already used in the preceding sentence.

... the voice of young adults were strengthened ... of young adults in making ... -- The issue here is redundancy. Avoid using the term twice in a sentence, unless you want it to be emphasized.

spearheaded
showcase

Writing Feedback / Our eating habits greatly affect our lifestyle; for a healthy life eating a balanced food is crucial [6]

Undoubtedly, trend of eating ... Especially youngsters are ...

The transition from one point to another is a little bit awkward. You may start by using the last sentence of the paragraph which is: "People are becoming ..." Then, support it with specific examples like eating fast food and junk food can result in health conditions such as as obesity, hypertension, and diabetes.

Letters / Motivation letter for DAAD scholarships, Master of Development and Governance course [2]

in the implementation of ...
Relationship - based appointments has have suffered...
I valued this opportunity and ;however, despite ...
... development of a library within dormitory for them.
... group of volunteers composed of young...
...deep understanding of the need for ... policy makers to with modernize understanding of and democracy ... different levels of government ...

... with new thoughts...
... and modernized understanding of ...
... I would like to take my master's degree in my graduate studies.

Hope those edits help. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / This is my first Issue topic on the desire of corporations. Evaluate and grade me. [2]

The main aim of government corporations is to work for the welfare of their people.

Although sometimes they can desire to maximize the profit for increasing the revenue, people revolt against them creating resentment if not satisfied by their works.

without giving due consideration to the development of nation


... let me give an example currently very trending which is now trending in India.


..., road development, poverty, and slum rehabilitation

Writing Feedback / Education in home country vs study overseas [3]

... of a new culture and connecting connection with people from ...


This is a strong point :)
to study overseas won't would not come back after graduation.
and they don't do not have any other ...

Avoid word contraction. However, you have a wide range of vocabulary. There is a smooth flow of ideas, for you have used transitional devices which make your points easy to understand.


How about this one? I think it's better to also incorporate discussing these opportunities that the students have.


You should have related this in your intro before your thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / ADAPTING OTHER CULTURES IN THE FLAT WORLD TIME [5]

Firstly, it is necessary to distinguish what are the good or bad values of each culture are.



Better delete this sentence or rephrase it in a logical way :)


Are you referring to the good values every person should possess? Try to complete the idea in the sentence so you can put it across to the reader effectively :)

Writing Feedback / Wealthier modern artist than others lead government to solve the gap of both [3]

A significant study revealed that the principal reason why the most artists could reach in gigantic financial matter is thatsince they have hard work and spend much hour at their work.

Take Leonardo da vinci's pointed legendary masterpiece portrait "Monalisa" as an example,

As a result, there is no doubt that artistic skill is right job of art to obtain the worth appreciation from their creation like money or popularity.

Writing Feedback / American Politics Essay--Republican Rand Paul [2]

He is the one Republican's need.
what sets him apart most and attracts the youth most must be his position to stop the Patriotic Action by the nation's intelligence agencies.

Although Republican Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio oppose to this idea,
Mr. Paul keeps claiming that he will stop the government's sneak data collection within a day...
In addition to his all of histhe progressed ideas,
Although some Republicans isare opposing to these progressive ways of thinking,

Writing Feedback / The need to combine rules with changes - fixed punishment dilemma [4]

If there are laws clearly stating the consequences for violating the lawviolations , then these individuals would think twice before they act and . Thus, they would be much less likely to commit a crime.

Besides, these rules make it much easier for a judge to decide on how to sentence the offender as they can provide clear instructions to the judge during court trials.- Let us just make the idea smoother :)

Besides it would be easier for a judge to decide how to sentence the offender, for these rules can provide clear instructions to him during court trials.

Writing Feedback / Assigning homework every day to students is necessary or not ? [3]

In addition, being more active during the semester helps students to be more ready for the final exam.


In addition, giving assignments can establish strong connection between teachers and students. By the additional tasks assigned to them, students may remember and retain in mind what the teacher has discussed about the topic.

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]


To begin with, admitting a bad decision is the first step for a leader to correct it.

Because this action violated the principle of diversity in biology,the project failed and the government lost millions of dollars.
I learnt a lot from this lesson;the bad decision is not ultimately terrible as long as we have the courage to admit itand to correct it.


Furthermore, admitting the mistake can earn the respect and forgiveness.

Compared to Japanese government,German government treats the history with sincerity and honesty and, thus they earn the forgiveness and respect from all over the world.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "My shy girlfriend" - people should be honest [3]


I, too, do agree. You have to clearly present the prompt in the introduction. I think that sort of opener is not appropriate for TOEFL. Just restate your prompt, then present your point of view (thesis. An introduction should not be too long. It usually comprises of two or three sentences.

Undergraduate / My biggest obstacle to overcome was to accept my new surroundings; College admission essay [3]

Just a couple of months, after moving to America, my parents decided to put me into school in the second grade.
At the age when most children should be expressing their thoughts freely, I had a tough time trying to answer simple questions such as "How are you?" or "What is your favorite hobby?"

Being a fraid that I had misunderstood the actual meaning, I would stare at them in bewilderment.


Complete the idea. It lacks a subject.

With confidence, I started to feel more at ease at school and had a few close friends that I felt comfortable around.

Writing Feedback / My girlfriend says that money is everything, but we need yet have more care about public recognition [2]

When e ating and drinking, we need use money. Similarly, it is also necessary when giving an fancy gift to my mother needs money, and thebuying house and car are also bought by money .



While money plays an important role in their electoral process, it never erases the decisive influence of public recognition.

I remember she usually worked hard to mid-night even the salary is low. S he said:" I don't think the essence of my job, teacher, is earning money, but educating and eliciting the potential of my students."

Writing Feedback / Free time or money? Spending time with family brings more advantages for both workers and companies [3]


By increasingDue to the increase ofthe household expenses, they have towill hesitate more about buying some expensive goods and luxuries...

Writing Feedback / I'm a nice person that is always trying to help others. Self-evaluation for my teacher [5]


This is incomplete. What are you going to accomplish? Your goals? If that so, better state it clearly :)

I always think positive, but however I'm realist...
I'd rather do home projects than hang out with my friends like shopping at the mall..


Rephrase this. The idea seems rambling.


I'm not a good athlete, but I am fond of riding bicycle, flying and aviation, and exploring new places.

I try to keep myself respectful, friendly, sensitive and trustworthy.


This makes me confused. Are you referring to yourself or to the reader? In this sentence, you are advising/suggesting it to the reader.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Cars have had a greater impact on the society than airplanes. [2]

Admittedly, automobiles have greatly facilitated our lives,and hence definitely have a great impact on our society.


Statement like this is unnecessary. State your reason directly.

To give examples, w e drive car to malls and buy fashion clothes, ambulance takes patients to hospital in emergency circumstance, and policeman drives car to deal with criminal.These examplesinstances exactly suggestsshowthat automobiles havefiltered into everywhere ofcan help us in many waysour lives .

Writing Feedback / IELTS : 'We should have choice to play' - dangerous sports should be banned? I disagree. [3]

Also,please include the full prompt so we can know what you will actually write about.


This is very limited for a body paragraph. I know there is a word limit, but this one is not an ideal paragraph. I bold the word "and" because it is not used as a start of a sentence.


Put a comma.
Another one:


You have great ideas, but they seem weakened due to grammatical errors. In addition, when it comes to organization of ideas, there is good transition.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: New technologies and ways of buying and selling are transforming to the lives of consumers. [2]

Security and quality are described as the large problems when using new latest (redundant) gadgets.

Online crimesshoppers take advantage of vulnerabilitiesin the of computer system to steal money from online exchanges by stealing money .

As a results , many consumers lost faith...

In developing countries, most of the population must face todaily dilemmas such as starvation, poverty, and diseases , thus t hey do not have the financial abilities to afford any technical devices and also do not have the knowledge, skills to use them.or even the need for online markets.

Moreover, it is difficult for some companies to deliver the products to the dwellers in theof remote areas because of thedue to long distances and theincreasingin thecostcostly services.

Last but not least,Lastly, the considerable rise of the aging population also limits the spread of applying ad vanced technologies. In other words, the elders feel unfamiliar or even scared when using any modern gadgets.

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]


Evidently, Internet and television greatly entertain us in many ways, thus we are fond of using these new technologies everyday. Through usual use, we have become more open to the influences they may bring toward us. For example,...

Undergraduate / "Typhoon Haiyan" - significant experience for ADMU Essay [4]

Definitely not. Just combine them in one paragraph. An introduction is typically presented in one paragraph.

Undergraduate / "Typhoon Haiyan" - significant experience for ADMU Essay [4]

Hi Kabayan! I am from Philippines, too.

Make your introduction in one paragraph.


I was supposed to becompetingcompete in a chess tournament on that day, but 'twasit was post poned due to the typhoon.(Avoid contraction)

Who would have thought that that typhoon would put my town in such detrimentdevastatingly ?

I'm glad to have you on board :D . Break a leg. Sana makapasok ka sa ADMU!

Graduate / SOP for graduate admission in EEE concentrating in Embedded System [3]

In the first paragraph, you should have mentioned your interest. This should be short and direct to the point. In the body, summarize your previous graduate career (important paper or thesis that you accomplished etc.), indicate what you would like to study in the graduate school, and include the area of your interests. Conclude your SOP in an optimistic manner just like expressing your interest/excitement for the things that may come ahead of you.

I studied at the Polytechnic University of the Philippines (PUP). Do you know how to speak in Tagalog? :D

Writing Feedback / SAT ; We place far too much emphasis on experience and achievement in our society [5]

Hitler had thrived to be the Chancellor of the Third Reich, which was also one of his achievements .

Fortunately for him , his philosophy of extreme nationalism and racism perfectly suited the desire of the Germans.

Hitler was pushed to the point of committing his suicide when nothing could stop the Allies' march to Berlin.

I omitted unnecessary words as presented above :)

Writing Feedback / The wide-spread use of labor-saving devices has only made our life much more hectic. [3]


This does not have a verb to make it a sentence.

For instance, if a corporate,bourgeois employee with a perfunctory vocation, is bestowed a personal laptop fromby his employer, this gesture will be perceived as one ofan approbation.

If this is an entry for an essay competition, I suggest you to minimize using complex words, so your composition will not appear difficult to read. Using complex words is not the best way to achieve great vocabulary; it is how you perfectly use the word in the context which helps the idea of your sentence precise and coherent.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'new building construction hold the right to gain more money from government' [2]

If the price of housing growsincreases(more appropriate in the context) continuously, a comfortable place to live in will be a luxury to the middle class and the low class.

AndAdditonally , the government should spend money on people to rescue them from this...

Otherwise, another vital reason why new building construction deserves more governmental investment lies in the factis that it requires far more resource compare to old building preservation.

To b uild a new building has following prerequisites: land that has been sold by the government via formal procedures, a reliable construction company and tremendous amount of labor.

Thus, if theonly government can cope with it byutilizingwill utilizeits enormous resource like dollars and effectiveness, they can cope up with it.

Generally, personally speaking,In conclusion, I believe new building construction holds the right to gain more money from government.

Undergraduate / 'My father introduced me to the C programming language' - SOP UT Austin computer science [2]

When I was a little boy, I spent a lot of time on the computer, and was curious about how theyit worked.

My father noticed my keen interest and,so he introduced me to the C programming language (A programming language is used by humans to give instructions to a computer; C is one example of a programming language) to me in 8th grade.

I will exemplify excellence, diligence, and perseverance, and be a testament totestify how UT Austin students are among the brightest in the nation.

real- world situations

The resources, research opportunities, professional networking, and faculty thatat UT Austin provides leaves no doubt in my mind that it is the best place for me to continue my education.

Undergraduate / What I Want - a lot of things from life; Penn Supp. Essay [2]

I want the usual - to have a nice car, theand perfect wardrobe and an ability to eat anythingmy favorite foods without ever getting fat.

But I also want other things - happiness, success, stability - things that are harder to define and harder to obtain.

Group your ideas by paragraph: introduction, body, and conclusion. To have more meaningful feedback, master first the structure of an essay. So, we, the readers, can assess your essay in terms of transition and organization of ideas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Everyone possess a talent - we should recognize it and improve [4]


This opposes your main topic which talks about talents. Talents are natural in us. But the job of an auditor is a skill, not a talent. A skill is a practice of what we have learned or specialized, thus before it will be developed, we need to undergo a thorough training at a certain time.

Undergraduate / "What do I want to do when I grow up?" - Peace Corps Volunteer App [2]

This was the one question I could never fullygot difficulty to answer. The best answerresponse I have ever come up with was a simple one: I want to help people.

One of the defining characteristics of my life when I was a child is that as a child, I grew up in a poor family.

As I grew older,andBut when my parents finished their schooling , that lifestyle gradually faded away as I grew older , and I found myself living with a very comfortable life.

I realized that my memories of my childhood keep me ever mindful of just how fortunate I really am, and this realization has led me to the desire to help others who werearenot asun fortunate .

Essays / Exploring the world - part of a whole article [2]

Sometimes, you learn not by academically but by taking risks(not parallel; I want to add some ideas to rectify this sentence grammatically but I do not have any idea what your topic is all about.)

So, there is a lot to learn outside the campus if only you venture new and totally different things. (Why did you use "so"? It seems inappropriate considering the idea in your preceding sentence.)

There are valuable things to be learned outside the campus, so all you have to do is to venture and get involved.

Undergraduate / What happens in Hardee's: CommonApp Essay [2]


From school, my twin brother and I stopped at a fast food restaurant. Suddenly, an elderly gentleman with a bewildered look on his face approached us. That man got marveled not only because of our identical appearances but our awe-inspiring heights. We are both 6'4" frankly.

As someone with characteristics that make it easy for society to use stereotypes to assume what his other qualities are , I have a tremendous desire to defy societal labels that burns within me.

Although it seems like these experiences might lead to a self-destructive identity crisis, they have done nothing but strengthen myselfresolve to be the person I wish to be and not who anyone thinks I should be because of the way I look.

:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: An effective leader tries to make others feel they are part of the decision-making process. [4]


Great sentences!


What do you mean by the bold part. It seems that the idea is inappropriate in the context.

However, if employees think the task is none of their businesses, or even against their will basically, their efforts will deceasebe wasted undoubtedly.

Undergraduate / automobile enthusiast from childhood; SOP for masters in motorsports engineering [2]

My college life was a mix of different experiences .

Automobile as my specialization was added to my pleasure

And,(Don't start you sentence by writing "and") . In addition,(you better use a transitional device to add ideas) my participation in projects like BAJA SAEINDIA , a group competition where teams of undergraduate students are asked to design and build a single-seater off-road vehicle and then test the endurance of the vehicle through various performance metrics ( you don't have to use parentheses to describe what BAJA SAEINDIA is) . The experience of beingas in-charge of Transmission and Manufacturing sub-teams had provided me an excellent opportunity to apply my classroom knowledge in practical, like for example, how to determine the performance parameters of a vehicle by using vehicle dynamics concepts.

My involvement in such projects had also helped to me grab accolades like Technology Innovation Award for successful implementation of "Variable Ratio Brake Pedal" in our baja vehicle.

The advantage of which is that our vehicle gets an improved braking efficiency as well as driver gets less aggressive feeling during panic braking

The pleasure of myMy passion to learningresearch was augmented by the continuous support and special encouragement fromof my professors for my interest in learning and research, which helped me to execute my Final year project on "Self Inflating Tire System" under the guidance of Prof. Gaurav Saxena.

Writing Feedback / "Another First Date" - my narrative essay [2]

I am in the bathroom getting ready for, yet another "first date."
At this point, I do not have first date jitters. If online dating has given me anything, it is more on confidence.
Online dating has become a sort (-)(delete the dash) of adventure to me.
Logging on to see my new "matches" adds a little fun to themy day.
When I initially started online dating, I did online datingso because I believed that it may be better than traditional dating in terms of getting to know someone better.

He was one of the first men that I met online and one of the men that(redundant) changed my enthusiasm for dating.
We first started talking online and we got to get to know each other online through e-mails and phone calls.