Writing Feedback / IELTS: New technologies and ways of buying and selling are transforming to the lives of consumers. [2]

Security and quality are described as the large problems when using new latest (redundant) gadgets.

Online crimesshoppers take advantage of vulnerabilitiesin the of computer system to steal money from online exchanges by stealing money .

As a results , many consumers lost faith...

In developing countries, most of the population must face todaily dilemmas such as starvation, poverty, and diseases , thus t hey do not have the financial abilities to afford any technical devices and also do not have the knowledge, skills to use them.or even the need for online markets.

Moreover, it is difficult for some companies to deliver the products to the dwellers in theof remote areas because of thedue to long distances and theincreasingin thecostcostly services.

Last but not least,Lastly, the considerable rise of the aging population also limits the spread of applying ad vanced technologies. In other words, the elders feel unfamiliar or even scared when using any modern gadgets.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : 'We should have choice to play' - dangerous sports should be banned? I disagree. [6]

Also,please include the full prompt so we can know what you will actually write about.


This is very limited for a body paragraph. I know there is a word limit, but this one is not an ideal paragraph. I bold the word "and" because it is not used as a start of a sentence.


Put a comma.
Another one:


You have great ideas, but they seem weakened due to grammatical errors. In addition, when it comes to organization of ideas, there is good transition.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Cars have had a greater impact on the society than airplanes. [2]

Admittedly, automobiles have greatly facilitated our lives,and hence definitely have a great impact on our society.


Statement like this is unnecessary. State your reason directly.

To give examples, w e drive car to malls and buy fashion clothes, ambulance takes patients to hospital in emergency circumstance, and policeman drives car to deal with criminal.These examplesinstances exactly suggestsshowthat automobiles havefiltered into everywhere ofcan help us in many waysour lives .

Writing Feedback / I'm a nice person that is always trying to help others. Self-evaluation for my teacher [5]


This is incomplete. What are you going to accomplish? Your goals? If that so, better state it clearly :)

I always think positive, but however I'm realist...
I'd rather do home projects than hang out with my friends like shopping at the mall..


Rephrase this. The idea seems rambling.


I'm not a good athlete, but I am fond of riding bicycle, flying and aviation, and exploring new places.

I try to keep myself respectful, friendly, sensitive and trustworthy.


This makes me confused. Are you referring to yourself or to the reader? In this sentence, you are advising/suggesting it to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Free time or money? Spending time with family brings more advantages for both workers and companies [3]


By increasingDue to the increase ofthe household expenses, they have towill hesitate more about buying some expensive goods and luxuries...

Writing Feedback / My girlfriend says that money is everything, but we need yet have more care about public recognition [2]

When e ating and drinking, we need use money. Similarly, it is also necessary when giving an fancy gift to my mother needs money, and thebuying house and car are also bought by money .



While money plays an important role in their electoral process, it never erases the decisive influence of public recognition.

I remember she usually worked hard to mid-night even the salary is low. S he said:" I don't think the essence of my job, teacher, is earning money, but educating and eliciting the potential of my students."

Undergraduate / My biggest obstacle to overcome was to accept my new surroundings; College admission essay [3]

Just a couple of months, after moving to America, my parents decided to put me into school in the second grade.
At the age when most children should be expressing their thoughts freely, I had a tough time trying to answer simple questions such as "How are you?" or "What is your favorite hobby?"

Being a fraid that I had misunderstood the actual meaning, I would stare at them in bewilderment.


Complete the idea. It lacks a subject.

With confidence, I started to feel more at ease at school and had a few close friends that I felt comfortable around.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "My shy girlfriend" - people should be honest [3]


I, too, do agree. You have to clearly present the prompt in the introduction. I think that sort of opener is not appropriate for TOEFL. Just restate your prompt, then present your point of view (thesis. An introduction should not be too long. It usually comprises of two or three sentences.

Writing Feedback / A leader should admit if they made a bad decision? Toefl exam. [12]


To begin with, admitting a bad decision is the first step for a leader to correct it.

Because this action violated the principle of diversity in biology,the project failed and the government lost millions of dollars.
I learnt a lot from this lesson;the bad decision is not ultimately terrible as long as we have the courage to admit itand to correct it.


Furthermore, admitting the mistake can earn the respect and forgiveness.

Compared to Japanese government,German government treats the history with sincerity and honesty and, thus they earn the forgiveness and respect from all over the world.

Writing Feedback / Assigning homework every day to students is necessary or not ? [3]

In addition, being more active during the semester helps students to be more ready for the final exam.


In addition, giving assignments can establish strong connection between teachers and students. By the additional tasks assigned to them, students may remember and retain in mind what the teacher has discussed about the topic.

Writing Feedback / Educational system is the thing that I fairly certain that we need to change soon in our country [13]


First and foremost, in terms of language, people in our country are not native speakers of English language,so it is quite difficult for them to use it in communication.


Considering the focus of our educational curriculum is not English or even other languages, a lot experience linguistic difficulties both in writing and speaking.

Writing Feedback / The need to combine rules with changes - fixed punishment dilemma [4]

If there are laws clearly stating the consequences for violating the lawviolations , then these individuals would think twice before they act and . Thus, they would be much less likely to commit a crime.

Besides, these rules make it much easier for a judge to decide on how to sentence the offender as they can provide clear instructions to the judge during court trials.- Let us just make the idea smoother :)

Besides it would be easier for a judge to decide how to sentence the offender, for these rules can provide clear instructions to him during court trials.

Writing Feedback / American Politics Essay--Republican Rand Paul [3]

He is the one Republican's need.
what sets him apart most and attracts the youth most must be his position to stop the Patriotic Action by the nation's intelligence agencies.

Although Republican Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio oppose to this idea,
Mr. Paul keeps claiming that he will stop the government's sneak data collection within a day...
In addition to his all of histhe progressed ideas,
Although some Republicans isare opposing to these progressive ways of thinking,

Writing Feedback / Wealthier modern artist than others lead government to solve the gap of both [3]

A significant study revealed that the principal reason why the most artists could reach in gigantic financial matter is thatsince they have hard work and spend much hour at their work.

Take Leonardo da vinci's pointed legendary masterpiece portrait "Monalisa" as an example,

As a result, there is no doubt that artistic skill is right job of art to obtain the worth appreciation from their creation like money or popularity.

Writing Feedback / ADAPTING OTHER CULTURES IN THE FLAT WORLD TIME [5]

Firstly, it is necessary to distinguish what are the good or bad values of each culture are.



Better delete this sentence or rephrase it in a logical way :)


Are you referring to the good values every person should possess? Try to complete the idea in the sentence so you can put it across to the reader effectively :)

Writing Feedback / Education in home country vs study overseas [3]

... of a new culture and connecting connection with people from ...


This is a strong point :)
to study overseas won't would not come back after graduation.
and they don't do not have any other ...

Avoid word contraction. However, you have a wide range of vocabulary. There is a smooth flow of ideas, for you have used transitional devices which make your points easy to understand.


How about this one? I think it's better to also incorporate discussing these opportunities that the students have.


You should have related this in your intro before your thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / This is my first Issue topic on the desire of corporations. Evaluate and grade me. [2]

The main aim of government corporations is to work for the welfare of their people.

Although sometimes they can desire to maximize the profit for increasing the revenue, people revolt against them creating resentment if not satisfied by their works.

without giving due consideration to the development of nation


... let me give an example currently very trending which is now trending in India.


..., road development, poverty, and slum rehabilitation

Letters / Motivation letter for DAAD scholarships, Master of Development and Governance course [2]

in the implementation of ...
Relationship - based appointments has have suffered...
I valued this opportunity and ;however, despite ...
... development of a library within dormitory for them.
... group of volunteers composed of young...
...deep understanding of the need for ... policy makers to with modernize understanding of and democracy ... different levels of government ...

... with new thoughts...
... and modernized understanding of ...
... I would like to take my master's degree in my graduate studies.

Hope those edits help. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Our eating habits greatly affect our lifestyle; for a healthy life eating a balanced food is crucial [6]

Undoubtedly, trend of eating ... Especially youngsters are ...

The transition from one point to another is a little bit awkward. You may start by using the last sentence of the paragraph which is: "People are becoming ..." Then, support it with specific examples like eating fast food and junk food can result in health conditions such as as obesity, hypertension, and diabetes.

Scholarship / One of my cardinal principles is influencing my immediate environment and my country at large [4]

Iin 2007,...
Thus, I took part ... -- Replace "took part" with another term; it was already used in the preceding sentence.

... the voice of young adults were strengthened ... of young adults in making ... -- The issue here is redundancy. Avoid using the term twice in a sentence, unless you want it to be emphasized.

spearheaded
showcase

Writing Feedback / Computers are believed to be smarter than humans by several scientists in no time [5]


You have used an incorrect verb form (are believed - past participle) in this sentence. The expression "in no time" indicates that the action will take place in the future. Please consider revising :)


This is your thesis statement; however, I have found several issues. Firstly, you have not answered the question correctly. The question, " To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?" means how FAR you agree or disagree with the given statement ( I agree, I strongly agree, I disagree, I strongly disagree, etc.). Secondly, you have not clearly stated your opinion. The word "technology" is a general term which means it also includes other tools; thus, it does not specifically refer to computers. Thirdly, I would like to emphasize that the pronoun "it" refers to technology, not to computers; hence, you have to consider correct word choice as well to improve this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - SAVING ANIMAL SPECIES [4]


Please try to re-read the statement, "Many people feel it is a waste of money to try to save endangered animal species, for example the tiger or the blue whale." It would be better if you say: I totally disagree with the idea that spending money to protect threatened species is worthless + your reason/s.


You have to answer the question; therefore, you have to clearly state your side whether you agree or disagree. Likewise, the idea in this sentence is too broad and irrelevant in connection to the given statement.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 : The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050 [4]


"From 1950 to 2050" is different from "between 1950 and 2050." In other words, "between...and" and "from...to" should not be used interchangeably. Based on the graph, you are supposed to illustrate the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050.

Writing Feedback / Bullying is a big problem in many schools. What do you think are the causes of this? Any solutions? [5]


In this sentence, you have incorrectly restated the idea from the topic (Bullying is a big problem in many schools.). You should have not used these content words - "debate" and "progress" - as these have changed the idea in the given topic.

Writing Feedback / Traditional newspapers are believed to hold the most vital position among news readers [3]


You just need to paraphrase the statement: Although more and more people read news on the Internet, newspapers will remain the most important source of news. Do not use "despite the fact" as it has made the idea in your sentence inconsistent with the idea in the given statement. Another issue is that "the most important source of news" should be taken into consideration when paraphrasing the statement. This one, "are believed to hold the most vital position among news readers," is not related to the reference point that newspapers remain to be the most important source of news.


I think the reason provided in your thesis statement is good. You do not need to use an intensifier like "strongly," since the question only asks whether you agree or disagree.


There are too many issues that I have seen with this one. First is "On the one hand" as a transitional device to start the discussion of your body. You have already chosen one side, and that was to oppose the given statement; therefore, it is unnecessary to use "on the one hand" to introduce the first of two contrasting points. Second is the idea in the sentence. You should not begin your body discussion by mentioning the advantages of newspapers as it is not what you are supposed to discuss. Please refer to your thesis statement.

Presenting a balanced discussion of both sides (first para and second para) must not be done in writing an agree/disagree essay; otherwise, your paper will not get a good score.

Writing Feedback / The major environmental issue of our time is the extinction of many living creatures on earth [3]


This does not contain a complete thought.


You probably mean that there are other pressing environmental concerns aside from biodiversity loss. If it is what you're trying to say, you have to write a sentence that states that point. Since this is a discussion essay, it would be better if you provide two reasons supporting your opinion.






The two sides must be discussed in a balanced way in this type of essay. Do not directly say that you prefer this side. You only need to present a discussion about the other point.