Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) MNC's are good or bad..? [3]

Hi, I like your point of view on this topic, and you have some great reasons to support your argument. I can help you with your grammar.

Presently, Multi-national companies nowadays find it convenient both to market their goods all over the world.

In this essay, I will discuss why I fell multi-national companies have adverse effects on our lives.
You could say: The multi-national companies have adverse effects on society, which leads to a discussion on this subject.

(You don't need to say Firstly, Secondly, etc. because native english speakers don't typically use these terms)

The tight competition from large companies obligedcauses local companies with fewer resources to movego out of business.
You have made a very good point here!

People forced to choose whatever available there, as it became the only one showroom there.
You could say it like this: "If the large company has no competitors, then people have no choice but to shop at that store."

Secondly, they may results in the loss of cultural diversity. Undoubtedly, multi-national companies and globalization are making societies more open and identical. If people follow diversity and consume varied products, wherever they live, then only societies will be varied more. As multi-national companies flourish everywhere, it is possible to buy the same products from identical multi-national super markets or outlet around the globe. For instance, it is easy for anybody anywhere, to enjoy KFC by visiting the regional outlet of KFC.

I find this a bit confusing, I know what you are trying to say, but it is a little hard to read, clear this up.

Nice job with this paper! Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / Most important benefits from a job: relax, and fulfilling - even if less money [8]

I have some thoughts on this topic.

People may need to find work that pays a lot of money, because that money is needed to pay their expenses.

An enjoyable job may not pay enough to cover the bills, so that person may have no choice but to work a job that they don't like because it pays more.

A not fun or boring job that pays more would give the person peace of mind, knowing that they can pay their bills,and maybe have money for things that will make them happy- vacation, nice car, entertainment.

A fun job may pay less, but if it enough to live on, then the person will settle for being happy from their work, and if they don't make extra money, they can find inexpensive things like free entertainment, free activities, radio, tv, or time with family and friends.

I think this is personal preference. Some people do not mind making less money, because they feel happier that way. Some that make lots of money can find happiness by using money to buy nice things and fun entertainment.

Undergraduate / Williams window essay; 'The girl walks slowly into the tack room' [3]

Wow, you have done an excellent job with writing this, You have great skill for descriptive writing, and you show intelligence and maturity. I enjoyed reading this, as it gave me an image in my mind and evoked emotion as I read it. Very interesting, and what you say at the end is quite profound, it shows great wisdom. A person who works with animals has a certain quality that is desirable, a gentleness or caring attitude. This reveals a lot about you as a person without many words. Nice work!

Undergraduate / I'm looking forward to closing one chapter of my life and to begin a new [2]

After researching this therapy approach and discussing it with my professor I feel ------------ (great promise, future plans, how to tie in?)

Maybe say it like this:
"I feel that working with hearing impaired individuals is of great interest to me. A goal of mine is to delve deeper into this field of study, and learn more about my professor's therapy approach. By immersing myself in this field, I could gain insight on how to improve upon methods that are already in place. By studying this, I will learn the skills needed to advance my career in this field. These skills will help me achieve my goal of... and college will be my stepping stone on the path to lifetime success."

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]

FELIZ NAVIDAD

That's a great topic to learn about, and I think that you can find some good information about this subject. This is the spanish way to say merry christmas. So, you could research where and when the phrase originated (spain, mexico, etc.) and then give a brief history and background on how the holiday is celebrated by this culture. Also, the lyrics of the song have special meaning, maybe you can translate the lyrics, and explain what special meaning christmas has to the person who wrote this song. I wish you luck on your project! :)

Essays / What is evolution ? Natural Selection? Inbreeding?hybridization? mutation? [2]

Changes in the genotype could be passed on to the next generation buy passing an allele which is called microevolution.

This changesOver time, these changes could happen by the natural selection, mutation, interbreeding, or mating two different species.

for this peacock white feather gene to be passed on to the next generation the female peacock have to accepts the color the of white peacock to be passed on which happens naturally not by a breeder.

This sounds confusing. Maybe say it like this:
"Since the female prefers white feathered males, they will mate more often with them, resulting in more white feathered peacocks. This is an example of natural selection, as opposed to controlled breeding."

what is Inbreeding?
You answered this question entirely with quotes... you may also want to give a quick analysis in your own words

Undergraduate / UBC SUPPLEMENTARY ESSAY; experience/ significant challenge/ activities [2]

They actively (enthusiastically?) ran around and chased after the ball, trying to score on us.

Life is unpredictable, so instead of focusing on my failures...

Learning to handlecope with stress...

Since this year's grades are neededrequired for university application, I started to worry about my school grades.

As a result, I understood that my number one priority was to do well in school. I tried doing my best to just focus on studying, however Iquickly found out that I was doing poorly . but I struggled with the large workload.

Going through difficult circumstances lead me to act in a positive manner which resulted in a favorable outcome.
You could say it like this: "I kept a positive attitude as I faced these challenges, which resulted in a favorable outcome."

Writing Feedback / television station has devoted more time to national news: GRE-Argument response [3]

Here it is asserted by the business manager of a television station that since last one year, television station has devoted more time to national news and less time to weather and local news in late-night news program.

Another way that you could phrase this: "A current issue has been presented by the business manager of a television station. His station has devoted more time to national news and less time to weather and local news in late-night news program."

During the last one year, most of the complaints received...

Business manager further says that in addition to the complaints received, local businesses that used to advertise in their station have terminated their advertising contract with them.

Here is a better way to say this: "Additionally, the business manager states that local businesses that used to advertise on their station have terminated their advertising contracts with them."

Many evidences are needed to evaluate the argument of business manager as his argument is not fully convincing.
You may want to say it like this: "These claims need more evidence to support the argument of the business manager."

It may also be possible that the numbers of complaints receivedmade by the viewers arevery less.minimal.

Writing Feedback / Life with Courage [4]

Not many people have the right amount of courage in themselves during the day to keep up.
Maybe say it like this: "Some people do not even have enough courage to keep up with their daily routine."

And those are the ones who tend to gain more than they know.
Maybe you can explain this idea more thoroughly, I don't know what you mean exactly.

Then there are the ones who are obsessed with courage and they are the ones who use it too much and end up losing all of it in the end.

Also, you may want to add this thought: "Some people are so courageous that they become reckless by disregarding potential risks and dangers."

The only times I ever had to use an ounce of courage was when I had to tell my parents that I wanted to quit the track team and when I finally had to come out with the truth.

This sentence is a bit too long, which makes it hard to read, maybe you could shorten it.

I've never been offered drugs and I've never had to leave a party because of other people doing bad things and I have never been physically attacked by anyone.

You could also simply say that you have never faced the choice of giving in to the peer pressure to do harmful things. You have never had to stand up to someone attacking or fighting with you.

Undergraduate / How orchestra impacted me (Texas A&M Topic C) [2]

Music was my passion.
You may want to start out your paper with something a bit less cliche.

However, as I started to study music, I never realized the amount of responsibilities that I needed to keep myself dedicated to it.
Here is another way that you could say this: "As I began to study music, I had no idea how much responsibility it took to have steadfast dedication."

Nevertheless, my experience in orchestra had helped improve my academics , and my personal skills .

After moving to Texas, I taught myself how to play the guitar. Fortunately, these experiences had polished my observing and listening skills that were necessary to prepare myself to perform in large ensemble.

This sentence is too long, I think these ideas would sound better by separating them into 2 sentences.

In comparison to soloist, performing in a large group required more concentration, because there were more instruments that were needed to synchronize perfectly together.
You could also say it like this: "Compared to playing solo, performing in a large group required more concentration, because synchronicity is imperative."

Essays / What is the best format for Personal Statement / SOP? [5]

1) State the purpose of writing it.

2) Remember to say only what the reader wants to hear (I assume this is for college admission officials)

3) Say why you are interested in the field of study

4) Say what you intend to focus on/study in college

5) explain your short term and long term goals

6) say how college will give you the skills to achieve your goals

:) Good luck in school

Undergraduate / Propsal Essay on Animal Tessting; Animal Cruelty is terrible and should not be legal [2]

BecauseI t is not required that scientists report how many mice, rats, or birds are used for experiments, but it is estimated that the use of90% of animal testing is performed on mice and rats.is 90%.

The good thing about this is that many of the animals that are being used need to be maintained and controlled. Because the rat, mice, dog, and cat population is high and they are too many of them in the world so by using these animals for testing we are taking care of the animal population and maintaining it. Really these animals are used for good because if we did not have these animals to test on then we would not have our cosmetic, toiletries, etc... these products would be harmful if they were not tested first so the animals are doing us some good.

I think that this paragraph is not quite right. At the ginning of your paper, you state that animal cruelty is bad and should be illegal. So, you should follow up that thesis with some supoting reasons for your argument. Instead, you start about why it is good. If you want to say these things, they are the opposite of your opinion. So, you could say "Some people feel that animal testing is necessary... and this is why. Then you must refute those reasons, in order to keep your paper on topic.

In 2002 (not including the mice, rats, and birds: no one knows how many of those animals are used) were used for research that was painful, stressful, distressful or both.

You may want to revise this sentence because it is a bit confusing.

I actually see more supporting evidence for the argument that animal testing is ok. Check over your paper and be sure to show your position on this subject as FOR or AGAINST animal testing. Don't forget to use citations for your information stated in this paper. You are a skilled writer, just check your consistency.

Undergraduate / With me, the period of revising for master of law examination is the most stressful [6]

Most of people have a very stressful period in their wholeat some point in their life. WithFor me, the period of revising for the master of law examination was the most stressful time in my life.

There was lots of things to prepare for the exam but I didn't have much enough time to do everything.
Maybe say it like this: "The preparation for the exam included a heavy workload, and I struggled to find enough time to study."

Moreover, I also needed to read a lot of different textbooks to understand the provisions of the Commercial law.

I felt really stressed and tired when I tried to remember so many things for a while.retain loads of information for a long period of time.

Besides that, because I am not goodfast at listening to and speaking English, so it was very hard to learn two these English skills.

Undergraduate / "I gaze at the sunset with the woman I love and think, F8 at 1/2"; personal stateme [7]

They are calculating the aperture sizes and shutter speeds even in the most romantic atmosphere, trying to seek the best combinations of these elements.
I'm not sure if "romantic" is the best word here, can you find another word that portrays this idea?

Yet beyond the basic principles that photography fans should memorize, I have learned more.

At first, I took great pleasure in photography as antyroamateur with neither professional equipment nor exquisite skills.

One time, I participated in a photography competition which required me to take pictures every day.

I began feeling stressful to be judged by others due to the presence of my schoolmates who were able to create works of profound message.

This might sound better: "There was an atmosphere of competitiveness between my schoolmates, who intimidated me with their profound works of art."

Even a little boy could find the pleasure in the photography while I failed to, why?
Here is another way you could say this: "By watching the boy's pleasure, I pondered why I had failed to see the significance of those photos."

Undergraduate / 'the patient differential diagnosis' - learned from an extracurricular activity. [2]

Hi :) You have done a wonderful job with this paper, very impressive! I think that your topic is interesting, and shows your dedication to learning more about the field of medicine. I cannot find any grammatical mistakes or errors and you write with much intelligence. You show yourself to have goals and a plan for the future, which is exactly what the college wants to hear. I think any school would be lucky to have you as their student. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Effects of grandparents' cancer on academics, optional essay C [3]

Cancer..hospitals..chemotherapy..unfortunately, these ringing words became all too routine and familiar in my house.During my freshman and early sophomore years of high school,These were the years when my two grandfathers were diagnosed with Cancer...and these were the years when my life took a complete 360 degree turn.

Nice introduction... that must have been so hard for you and your family

...to give me the attention that I longed for.

...I formed an unexplainablea loving bond with them.

Fast forwarding someY ears later,was when I had to face the toughest challenge in my life to this day: losing both of my grandfathers to cancer.

did not realize that the repercussions thatof my overall academics would face because of my disregard during those years.someday give me problems.

Writing Feedback / 'Mercedes-Benz E-Klasse and Misogyny ' - My analysis on Gender in commercials [2]

Your paper is very well done, I enjoyed reading about this interesting topic. I cannot find many mistakes, i just chose a few lines that you may want to adjust.

Her breasts are perky

The female librarian , who also is a women is a complete contrast of the blonde.

She is plump in weight, wears neutral colored attire, sports glasses, has frizzy hair and she has a stern demeanor.

...the commercials attempts to assimilate and reaffirm age old stereotypes.

On a deeper analysis, It sends a conflicting message to the audience that for a woman to have beauty she must be dumb or either that a woman that holds intelligence must lack beauty.

Another way you could say this: "By analyzing further, it is apparent that the message relayed to the viewers is reinforcing female stereotypes. A beautiful woman must be dumb, and an intelligent woman is always lacking beauty."

Undergraduate / "There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure" [2]

Weekdays around 6 o'clock or so, my father would call for me and say that it was time for us time to go pick my mother up from work.

On weekdays, at about 6 o'clock, my father and I would go to pick up my mother from work.

My book was something I never left behind before leaving the house...
I never left the house without my book

Arriving in Atlantic City at least 30 minutes prior to my mother getting off work gave me some time to fill my little blank book with whatever I thought was particularly pretty.

As we typically arrived 30 minutes early, I used the time to fill my book with anything that I thought was pretty.

Asserting all these condensed feelings I have into the flow of drawings, paintings and sculpture is better represented in the format where you can pull multiple interpretations of it without really following a formula.

I'd revise this sentence, it sounds a bit awkward and hard to read.

For me, art is not a generic-multiple-choice question; your answer is never really wrong, and therefore, it gives me room to adjust to techniques I struggle with without being held accountable.

The concept of art is that there is no wrong or right answer, no multiple choice questions, which allows room to adapt and adjust to the techniques.

Writing Feedback / What would you change if you are given a chance? [3]

Many of the people in my hometown always have a problem with the unpaved road.
You could also say it like this: "In my hometown, many people think that a major problem is the unpaved roads."

The road problem will make trouble to people in traffic.
Maybe say this "The road creates problems for drivers in traffic."

This issue probably createswill likely cause an accident while people are driving.

In contrast, if the government has a budget to repair the road in my hometown, the problem of traffic and other effects would reduce more.

Another way you could say this: "One solution to this problem is to use government funding to repair the road. This would alleviate traffic and other effects of the unstable road."

Undergraduate / I want to make a change in my community; exceptional hardships, challenges, opportunities [2]

Many people haven't even heard of this town and I have the dream that Hidalgo can become a metropolitan area
You could also start this phrase like this: "Although the town is basically unheard of, I...

This little town is the kind of town where everyone says hi to everyone else as they walk by the streets.
Or you could say it like this: "In this town, it is typical for everyone to say hello to each other as they walk down the street."

The reason why I want to be part ofjoin the architecture program of architecture in the university is because I will lovemy goal is to return to my community and make a change.

Since I was a little girl, art was my passion; 0 creating sculptures with everything, drawing on the walls, asking my mom for stickers and paper to create drawings and sketches.

Later in the semester, we had anwere assigned to create a mythological creature in 3D.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Exterior of buildings is more important than their functions. [6]

I think your paper has great content and structure, continue working on your grammar. You have organized your ideas well. Let me offer you some suggestions:

These days, as more high-rise buildings have been built. Whether a structure should focus on its exterior or interior has sparked a heated debate, with some individuals perceiving that external appearance is more important than internal function.Nevertheless, others hold an opposite view.

Great job on your first paragraph. You could revise it a little, here is my idea: "High rise buildings have become very popular. There is a debate about whether a building's external appearance is more important than its internal function."

The unique aesthetic value embodied by these structures is of the most significance. extremely significant.

This architecture is the landmark or a symbol of city and represents the specific cultural ethos, which in turn attracts the tourists from all over the world and raises the sense of national pride for residents.

You may want to say it like this: "Beautiful buildings are often landmarks or symbols of a great city. They can represent national pride and culture, which attracts tourists from around the world."

Research Papers / Illegal Drug Testing in schools; research paper [2]

Hi :) If you spend some time researching this subject, you may find some ideas for your thesis. Try to find info on past studies that have been done, whether any schools have practiced this method. If you propose that this drug testing is going to be beneficial to the students and school system, then you need research to back up that claim. Find some good reasons to support your opinion on this. Also, you need to report the research in a way that shows your thesis to be true. The problem of students doing drugs is not easily solved, so you need to analyze how drug testing will work as a solution. When you have anything written please post it in this thread and I will try to take a look at it. Thanks and good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Piano by my Lonesome --Personal Essay [5]

Bearing the traditional ignorance that comes with having lived for just over a decade, I had no clue what was in it until my older brother confided in me that he was attending his first piano class that he was going to use the new digital piano to practice.

This sentence is really long and a bit hard to read. I'd split this into two sentences.

In a way it was godsend: (not that he had quit but that he had ever started) after he abandoned piano playing with a bad taste in the mouth it was up to me to make use of the expensive instrument.

You could also call it a "blessing in disguise" that he quit playing... I don't like the phrase "bad taste in the mouth"

Just like the Caucasian who, surrounded by Indians in the Hindu temple every Diwali, stood out for more than one reason, I too seemed a foreigner to the trade. While the white man made an effort to slip into the festival covertly, his prayer rang more spiritedly than the more belonging Indians. I never had formal instruction nor did I know how to read music, so it was natural that I lived on a separate world to the common pianist. I was left cluelessly scratching my head when someone asked me if what I played was "in B major or B minor"; I developed my own terms for the same concepts, granting me a different perspective and above all a priceless sense of discovery to each new idea of sound.

I like what you say in this paragraph. I would strengthen the aspect of your unique learning experience, because it is very interesting, nice job with that. The first sentence in this paragrah could be revised to be easier to understand. Try to keep this paragraph consistent, like, keep on topic.

It was a grueling task, listening to the piece hundreds of times to find every single note, but watching every gesture of the pianist and every impulse of the piano accounted for the reason my piece purportedly "actually sounds like the composer played it!"

This is a bit disjointed. maybe you could say it like this: "I learned every single note by listening to the piece of music hundreds of times. I reveled in the experienced pianist's style of movement, which inspired me to play exactly like the composer. "

Book Reports / (people transformed through relationships) A Thousand Splendid Suns Suggestions [5]

How are people transformed through relationships with others? Here are my ideas:
1) They could be negatively influenced, and be weakened by the relationship
....this could be caused by a friend on drugs like in your example, or somebody who is mean to others, somebody that teaches them to steal or cheat

2) They could be positively influenced, uplifted, supported
...this could be a relationship with a family member, a mentor, a best friend

3) They could discover more about their true self through this relationship
... This could be the result of a journey where somebody introduces a hobby or subject that is the person's true calling, the person could find exactly what they want/need and how to be the best person that they are capable of being.

Writing Feedback / 'expressing negative opinions' - my essay about "TV and Radio Censorship" [3]

Hi, I think your paper sounds great, you expressed your thesis and opinion well, and explained the other opinions on the subject. One thing that you should focus on is that your writing is a bit "wordy", meaning that you could use different words to shorten your sentences, and this would make the paper a bit easier to read and understand. I chose a couple of sentences that need revision, just some ideas:

Some people believe that TV or radio programs should be carefully examined by the censorship board members or government before airing to the general public; while others formed the different opinion regarding this matter.oppose this idea.

I believe that censorship can be a greatis an effective way to limit many problems.It can prevent the conflicts whichhatred, orcaused by the expression of racial slurs.could bring,Censorship will cancel or limit the influence ofinadequate pornography programs , and restrict or supervisemonitorthe impact of programs whichthat use offensive language, violence,or scary visuals,or anyand immoral behavior that can have onoffend children and young adults.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 - Transfer Student "How I got into psychology" [5]

Hi :) Your paper sounds really good to me. I think you did a nice job answering the question. I have a few suggestions for you.

Physical healing is the job of doctors and nurse, while mental healing is the job of psychologists.
You may want to say it like this: "Doctors and nurses are responsible for their patient's physical health, while psychologists specialize in mental health."

((I changed this thought a bit, because technically, a psychologist studies mental health, while a counselor or psychiatrist is more responsible for treating patients))

In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person.
You could say this: "Unfortunately, there is a stigma on treatment by a psychologist, because people feel abnormal or ashamed for needing mental help."

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school, and during that time I had almost lost all hope that my life would ever get better, until my parents sent me to a psychologist, Dr. John Schienner.

This sentence is long and loaded, I'd split it up into two sentences.

Now When I see others who look downtroubled, I try to engage with them and make them feel comfortable to open up to (confide in?) me.

Book Reports / "The Old Man and the Sea" and materialistic success - Literary Essay Revision [3]

This looks really good to me, i have a few suggestions.

An attainment of wealth and honor are the materialistic adaptation of success and are all too often, assumed to symbolize a man's values.
I think this sentence needs to be revised:
You could say it like this:
"Regarding the attainment of wealth and honor, it is common for people to equate true achievement with a materialistic version of success.

Santiago, the protagonist o f the story, is portrayed by Hemingway as an old fisherman with inner-strength, wisdom, and perseverance that wants to catch one last marlin before retiring.

By using his experience and fisherman's skill, allowed him tohe recognized that the plankton around him, using this experience and skillto recognizewere a sign that fish were near.

Undergraduate / 'Learning to accept the facts' - UC #2 - Stuttering [3]

Hi :) I think that your essay is fantastic. You have great skill for writing and your topic is very interesting. I can't find any errors, and I have no suggestions for changing it- looks good the way it is! I think you have shown maturity and individuality, along with demonstrating an ability to overcome obstacles. Your personality really shines through, and I think any college will be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'the Logistics department coordinator' -Short Answer for Common Application [5]

This sentence is too long, I can split into 2 simpler sentences.
The project called "Ecobaza-educatie pentru dezvoltare durabila" is a project that lasted from the1st of July 1, 2011 to the 1st of July 1, 2012 was created for the Monument park.and whose aimThe project's goal was to build a special environment in the Monument park where youth could spend their free time and teachers could hold Science classes in the open air.

AsIt was the first project of its kind in the country.IAlong with other 8 other members, I initiated the project and managed to gather 4000 euros through the Youth in Action Programme.

MoreoverAdditionally, Ithecoordinatedon the Logistics department, managed the resources, created fund-raising events and made sure that the project went smoothly.

Undergraduate / 'finding people like her' - Why Tufts? [6]

Hi :) I think your essay would sound better if you replaced the beginning with something more significant. When you say "I'll be honest: when my college counsellor mentioned Tufts in the spring of my junior year as one of the schools I should look at, I thought he was insane. I'm not sure where I got this idea, but I was convinced that I wouldn't like it. " it makes me think you don't really care, even if you do, and it is unclear why you had that feeling... so this statement kinda hangs in space. So, you could replace this sentence with another reason, like, that they offer some programs that interest you, or that you will enjoy a certain aspect of the campus, or you will be able to shine in a club, or learn the skills you need for your career. Or, you could change the way you explain the introduction to Tufts, like, say how your counselor encouraged you with examples of the college's perks and benefits. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'Cabana Banana nail polish' - Common Application: Topic of my choice [3]

Hi, I think that your idea for this essay is really good, it is original, and cute, it shows off your personality well. You should re-organize your essay though. For the topic of your choice prompt- you do not need to include all of that stuff about contributing to the college, although tie it in at the end. you want your topic (banana nail polish) to be the purpose of your essay. So, if you choose to keep this topic, you will need to expand on the idea that banana nail polish is like you- original, and how each polish color is the color of another person's personality. How boring life would be with only 1 color, it is variety that makes life exciting and interesting, and that is what college will be like: a melting pot of all the different colors/ personalities that make the place so fun! keep your essay light and upbeat, and I think that you will have something great :)

Undergraduate / 'It made me suffer, but..' - COLLEGE ESSAY, schizophrenic brother [2]

My brother's symptoms were ambiguous at first, but as time went on they slowly escalated.

After weeks of convincing my parents with piles of research, we finally took him to the hospital to get mentally evaluated.

Psychiatrists concluded that he was showing severeobvious signs of schizophrenia.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Zack may never reachfully recoveragain ..." The doctor said with sympathy.
((you kinda leave me wondering what happened after his diagnosis... after all, there are great treatments for the disorder that can help a person lead a fairly comfortable life, it is a permanent illness, but not a death sentence, he would never have ordinary mental health, but he is still a person with feelings and thoughts. maybe you could add another sentence mentioning how there is hope for someone with his problem, and how your family and doctors will be there to support him))

Nice job with this essay, good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Texas C- MINNGGLING!! [2]

I was determinedto somehow stop this whole "alienate the Indian" thing.had to stop.

It took me time to actually start adjusting and get usedaccustomed to their ways.

I not only had to overcome all those pre-conceived notions about myself but also had to prove it to them that mingling in a new group was not so difficult however hard they made it for me.

This sentence sounds a bit awkward. maybe say it like this:
"I wanted my classmates to look past their pre-conceived notions of me. Although it was difficult, I had to prove to them that cooperating with me was not so hard."

I also drew uponrelied on my much needed inner strength,and help from my parents, who all along supported me in coping with thisduring this delicate phase.

Undergraduate / 'first forced practice' - Deficient -- Common App Prompt #1 [7]

You have a great ability for writing, I found one sentence that sound kind of awkward: "The schedule of cross country in the fall to track in the spring to conditioning over the summer is the same no matter what school I go to, a little slice of order in my otherwise dynamic life."

Also, you begin the essay in "present" tense, and then after that paragraph you switch to past tense, which would sound better if you kept everything in past tense. it is also unclear to me exactly when (at what age) were you diagnosed anemic. I see that your essay is all about track, but because you speak of the anemia at first, it would interest me to hear a bit of how it affected your athletic abilities and what special circumstances did you have due to this condition?

Your essay sounds really good to me. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'have been born in America' - about myself Penn State Essay [2]

Looks good to me. I think you should work on the conclusion a bit. Maybe you should mention that you hope to someday create a solution to this problem. You could say how you feel more connected to the immigrant community and you understand their difficulties, and that is something you could do in the future- maybe join into a program that offers assistance to those people. You could also say how you believe in the rights of immigrants to have easier access to those things that your parents had trouble with. This has opened my own eyes to a problem I was unaware of, so maybe you could use your experience as a way to spread awareness. good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) high payment for sports professionals is fair or not [2]

Recently successful sport professionals can earn enormous amount of money than other peoples who contributes their efforts in various other important fields, like teachers, scientists, doctors and so on. Some argue that these huge salaries are highly justified, while others deem it as unfair.

This sentence is too long. Let me help you, you could say it like this:
"Some people think that it is unfair for pro sports players to earn a large amount of money. When compared to people who work in important professions such as teachers, scientists, and doctors, their large salaries seem unjustified."

On the one hand, various professions contribute to making our world run more smoothly.
It may sound better like this: Some professions are crucial to our society and contribute to daily life.

Doctors put at least 5 years of study and internship.
This statement does not support your argument.

Nevertheless, these professionals struggle to meet both ends to meet, despite of their meaningful and critical contributions to the world.
Maybe you should mention the average pay of a doctor (maybe 80,000/yr.) or teacher (30,000/yr) Also, I don't believe that a doctor's salary would force him to struggle to make ends meet, doctors make good money, but far less than a baseball player, so maybe you should say that instead.

Undergraduate / "great ocean of truth" - Essay on Sherlock Holmes's influence [4]

Your essay sounds fantastic to me! Nice job. I have a few minor suggestions for you, just some ideas.

Holmes deduced things in a way that no one else could, and I continuously challenged my mind,hoped to one day to reach his expertise by continuously challenging my mind.

If I had looked up to Superman or Hulk, I would have spent more time trying to fly and breaking things than sharpening my acumen.

As a kid, I caught onto this relationship inherent in his process and tried to be knowledgeable, thinking I would enhance my outlook if I retained more information.

This sentence is kind of awkward, I would suggest re-wording this.

I intend to tackle problems in every possible way and analyze facts that others think are obvious, a procedure of finding the truth that Holmes cemented into me very well.

This sentence is a little too long, try to separate these ideas into 2 sentences.

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'In co-ed schools all my life' - Why Barnard? [2]

Hi :) Your essay is great, and I think your topic is fine. I have some suggestions.

When my college counselor mentioned Barnard as a potential school,consider in the spring of my junior year, I reluctantly agreed to research it.I had originallyhaving privately decided that an all-girls' institution would not be the place for me.

But I had a change of heartA fter reading an article in the school newspaper's last issue of the year,I had a change of heart.

My school hasR ecently,my school has begun to make more of an effort to achieve gender equity, and a friend of mine had written an article on the issue.

I loved the idea of graduating with a strong network of alumni who truly want to helpsupport each other.out.

All thisThese ideas and more have contributed to my decision that Barnard could be thea great place for me.

Undergraduate / 'playing video games to cheer myself up' - CommonApp Personal Statement [3]

At one timeI used to believe that people should not be trusted. When I began my freshman year of high school, my mother toldadvised me not to put too much trust in friends because they may stab me in the back one day. For me, b est friends did not exist,in my world and I did not need them, especially in an academically driven environment.

From then on, I created aouterprotective shell offor myself that masked my emotions. I believed that people who knew too much about me willwouldone day be my worst enemy someday.

Whenever I feel down I usually cheer myself up playing video games. This is what I did throughout high school.
You could also say it like this: "During high school, I played video games to relieve stress and cheer myself up after a bad day."

Writing Feedback / 'Finding Confidence ' - my essay for COLLEGE [2]

Be sure to stay in "person", meaning that: if you intend to write it as if you are telling a story, don't use "you" when you mean to say "I". Also, I edited the beginning sentences to help you lead into your personal story. I just adjusted the "you" parts, because I think you need to consider that admissions officials are reading it and they may or may not relate.

BeingA normal teenage girl in high school you would probably expect yourher life to be somewhat like in the "high school based" movies.

BeingNormal girls get chased by boys, go to all of the parties and have all of the cool friends.But, being an overweight teenage girl in high school your highmakes school days aren't much likeunlike the movies.

The amount of self-esteem you have is tested every day when you see girls thinner than you. You start to wish you can wear what she wears, or even just wish you had her body so you can dress it better.

Maybe say it like this: "For a heavy girl, seeing thinner girls every day can be hurtful to her self esteem. She may wish to wear the skinny clothes and have the body to make those clothes look the best."

((Now, after this into part, carry on into your own story))