Undergraduate / Too much Diversity to describe in 500 words- CU boulder essay [3]

I really enjoyed reading your essay, it is impressive. I think your story is very interesting and it is perfect for the college app prompt. I just found a few words that should be changed. Otherwise, your essay is just fine. Good luck in school, I think the school would be lucky to have you as a student :)

...learned and interacted with people with rather diverse backgrounds.

I have learned to appreciate the diversity of people...

It taught me how to be adaptable and become a more diverse person...

Undergraduate / 'the planetarium shows' - intended major UC Transfer Personal [3]

Hi :) Essay #1 sounds great, I think you did a nice job writing that. I chose a couple of sentences that I think you could re-word to make them sound better.

I immediately realized that believing my goals, which is to one day become a researcher, to be intangible, parallels the elusive nature of dark matter.

Much like how the physicist who discovered dark matter could not perceive his discovery, I could not see my future in physics after my senior year in high school, yet Fritz Zwicky still continued to pursue his endeavor, and so will I.

Essay #2 Once again, very nice work, it sounds great to me.
I chose some things that could use re-wording:

Valuable traits I forged valuable traits from my experience as a paid member of a ballet company.areI learned how to work hard work and toleratefor my own mistakes.

Beginning aOne week prior to my fourteenth birthday,

I studied and criticized every last inch of my body, while the words fat, ugly, and worthless echoed in my head.

Undergraduate / 'Shaking hands' - CommonApp Experience- Is it too ambiguous? [2]

Hello :) I like the imagery you have presented with this paper, but I am not sure if it is right for a college app. I think if you adjusted some things, you could adapt into a more suitable essay. I think the central part of your essay is where it becomes confusing. Although you have written with amazing literary skill, i think I lost the point of your essay. Over the years, you experienced so much, and you are trying to convey that, as you sit and wait for your presentation. I think the way you wrote about those years is not quite linear, but I sort of understand that you are describing the process of growing up, and learning self confidence. I think that you should just make this experience a bit more clear to the reader, so that he/she will know that you grew so much over the years. Nice work so far. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Expanding socially after high-school' - Common app "A part of a whole" essay [2]

Continuing my education has always been important to me in the hopes of intellectually expanding my knowledge in the computer science field.

I am currently attending the Community College of Vermont, which has provided me with flexiblemultiple opportunities infor choosing anfinding my area of study.

Not only do I strive to find the right career path that interests me, but also findingI am searching for one that is guaranteed a job post graduation.

The University of Vermont would benefit my academic achievements because of the multicultural student body, financial stability, and student life.by giving me the education and skills that I need for my future career.

The livelihood and positive energy thatwas heartwarming for me, as each student had while sharing their various cultural experiences over a community made dinner.was heartwarming for me.

Undergraduate / 'My father's Lebanon stories' - UC ESSAY #1 [3]

He was always so excited to tell my brother and I about how great the people are there and how one day he hoped that we could feel the way he did about such a place.

Here is another way you could say this: "He always wanted us to experience the same things that he did, such as the wonderful community that he came from."

He told me about how he grew up in a world where he never wanted to leave.butHowever, he was always worried that the occasional fighting g oing on outside his hometown w ould cause him and his family to look for a new home.

With the airport bombed, we were unsure by which route.
This sentence leads to no point, maybe say how there was additional confusion on how to escape, due to the airport being bombed, and say how you were able to get away.

I questioned being inthe reasons for attending Sunday school, learning Arabic and singing cultural hymns, which I thought were pointless for life in America.

Writing Feedback / The role of women - they should not sit at home if they don't want to [7]

Yup :)
I understand your point of view- you agree with mothers going to work, and you give some good reasons for that, but these two things don't really support your argument (Children must see that they are under the protection of their parents. And in my opinion they'll instinctively, psychologically think they have responsibility to their parents.) In this paragraph, give a couple more reasons why it is feasible for a mother to work, and be there for her children as well. Then you can continue into the next paragraph, where your main point is that the child's environment plays a role in his suceptibilty to delinquency. Try to organize your thoughts. The idea of genetics is a weak support for your argument. Also, the decision of the child to hang with a bad crowd is a choice that could be prevented with attentive parenting, by teaching the child over his entire life how to make the best choices. Remember, you need to give reasons to support your viewpoint- that a mother can parent well, even though she is working, so try to keep on topic. I think you have lots of good thought, try to organize them, and edit this a little. If you come u with anything new, post it in this thread and I will read it for you. :)

What is about juvenile delinquency, ask you?
Don't say this as a question, just straight out explain what the concept is, but say it briefly.

Undergraduate / 'passion for journalism' - Common App Short Answer [5]

Great job on your revision, I like how you improved on it. Two of your sentences are a bit too long:
However, what I've learned most about journalism is that it is not really about writing; it is about asking the right questions, in order to formulate answers into a story that readers can understand and from which they can ask more questions for journalists to answer.

For me, journalism is a form of giving back to those who had transformed the society to be more informed and an advancement tool for those who are uninformed.

I really love the ideas that you have, and I enjoyed reading this, I think you have a bright future ahead of you! Maybe someday I will be reading your articles in the newspaper :)

Undergraduate / 'Expanding my experience and compassion' - UW System Statement/Essay Review [2]

Hi :) Great job so far! I have some suggestions.

I have discovered that the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee is the perfect institution that meets both of my necessary needs, and will allow me to flourish as a student and person.

I tryalways strive to positively impact other people lives, specificallyespecially with kids withfor my volunteer work at Phantom Lake YMCA Camp. During t he last four years, I have put nearly five hundred hours into being a counselor.I have helped make children's summers the best parts of their lives, byalso educating them about life and how to succeed in their own way.

Every year, I honestly reconsidered going back, because of the demanding forty hour demanding work week.

However, a fter all these years of participating,however, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I tried never to treat itnever used it as an excuse for myself though, and in the last few years I havegone untreatedmaintained focus and countered it with my own will to achieve.

Writing Feedback / The role of women - they should not sit at home if they don't want to [7]

I can help you :)

It is undeniable fact that, now daysCurrently, women are in more powerful positions than they used to bewere years ago.S ome people believe that this has madecausedrole confusion in society's traditional gender roles . withWomen in high positions now hold a negative connotation.andNow that so many mothers are in the workplace, more children are engaging in violence and crime, and resulting in juvenile delinquency. Although women's power might be a one reason for the increasing number of social crimes,but I don't think it is the main contributing factor.

To begin with, it is both parents'responsibilitiesduty to look after their children, in order to make responsible adults in a society.

A Child with a single dad can be the brightest student in the school, where as a well looked after mummy's boy may commit a crime.

Day care centers and nurseries alsocan help children to socialize in positive ways and can learn to co operate with each other.

Undergraduate / 'Everything interests me' - Cornell College of Arts and Sciences Supplement [3]

This essay is great! Nice job :) I think you have demonstrated a good ability to write, intelligence, creativity, and a wide variety of interests. This is exactly what the admissions are looking for- personality, and explaining what you plan to do after college. You say why college will help you achieve your goals, and that you obviously love to learn. I think you have done everything right, just go over your grammar and spelling and send it in :) Here are a few words that you may want to change:

The past yearwhenP eople have recently asked me what I am going to do with my lifepursue after college, and I have said everything from becoming anarchitecture to becoming a pediatrician.

I hope to take advantage of the broad course selection offered by the College of Arts and Sciences.offers.

Writing Feedback / 'Finding Confidence ' - my essay for COLLEGE [2]

Be sure to stay in "person", meaning that: if you intend to write it as if you are telling a story, don't use "you" when you mean to say "I". Also, I edited the beginning sentences to help you lead into your personal story. I just adjusted the "you" parts, because I think you need to consider that admissions officials are reading it and they may or may not relate.

BeingA normal teenage girl in high school you would probably expect yourher life to be somewhat like in the "high school based" movies.

BeingNormal girls get chased by boys, go to all of the parties and have all of the cool friends.But, being an overweight teenage girl in high school your highmakes school days aren't much likeunlike the movies.

The amount of self-esteem you have is tested every day when you see girls thinner than you. You start to wish you can wear what she wears, or even just wish you had her body so you can dress it better.

Maybe say it like this: "For a heavy girl, seeing thinner girls every day can be hurtful to her self esteem. She may wish to wear the skinny clothes and have the body to make those clothes look the best."

((Now, after this into part, carry on into your own story))

Undergraduate / 'playing video games to cheer myself up' - CommonApp Personal Statement [3]

At one timeI used to believe that people should not be trusted. When I began my freshman year of high school, my mother toldadvised me not to put too much trust in friends because they may stab me in the back one day. For me, b est friends did not exist,in my world and I did not need them, especially in an academically driven environment.

From then on, I created aouterprotective shell offor myself that masked my emotions. I believed that people who knew too much about me willwouldone day be my worst enemy someday.

Whenever I feel down I usually cheer myself up playing video games. This is what I did throughout high school.
You could also say it like this: "During high school, I played video games to relieve stress and cheer myself up after a bad day."

Undergraduate / 'In co-ed schools all my life' - Why Barnard? [2]

Hi :) Your essay is great, and I think your topic is fine. I have some suggestions.

When my college counselor mentioned Barnard as a potential school,consider in the spring of my junior year, I reluctantly agreed to research it.I had originallyhaving privately decided that an all-girls' institution would not be the place for me.

But I had a change of heartA fter reading an article in the school newspaper's last issue of the year,I had a change of heart.

My school hasR ecently,my school has begun to make more of an effort to achieve gender equity, and a friend of mine had written an article on the issue.

I loved the idea of graduating with a strong network of alumni who truly want to helpsupport each other.out.

All thisThese ideas and more have contributed to my decision that Barnard could be thea great place for me.

Undergraduate / "great ocean of truth" - Essay on Sherlock Holmes's influence [4]

Your essay sounds fantastic to me! Nice job. I have a few minor suggestions for you, just some ideas.

Holmes deduced things in a way that no one else could, and I continuously challenged my mind,hoped to one day to reach his expertise by continuously challenging my mind.

If I had looked up to Superman or Hulk, I would have spent more time trying to fly and breaking things than sharpening my acumen.

As a kid, I caught onto this relationship inherent in his process and tried to be knowledgeable, thinking I would enhance my outlook if I retained more information.

This sentence is kind of awkward, I would suggest re-wording this.

I intend to tackle problems in every possible way and analyze facts that others think are obvious, a procedure of finding the truth that Holmes cemented into me very well.

This sentence is a little too long, try to separate these ideas into 2 sentences.

Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) high payment for sports professionals is fair or not [2]

Recently successful sport professionals can earn enormous amount of money than other peoples who contributes their efforts in various other important fields, like teachers, scientists, doctors and so on. Some argue that these huge salaries are highly justified, while others deem it as unfair.

This sentence is too long. Let me help you, you could say it like this:
"Some people think that it is unfair for pro sports players to earn a large amount of money. When compared to people who work in important professions such as teachers, scientists, and doctors, their large salaries seem unjustified."

On the one hand, various professions contribute to making our world run more smoothly.
It may sound better like this: Some professions are crucial to our society and contribute to daily life.

Doctors put at least 5 years of study and internship.
This statement does not support your argument.

Nevertheless, these professionals struggle to meet both ends to meet, despite of their meaningful and critical contributions to the world.
Maybe you should mention the average pay of a doctor (maybe 80,000/yr.) or teacher (30,000/yr) Also, I don't believe that a doctor's salary would force him to struggle to make ends meet, doctors make good money, but far less than a baseball player, so maybe you should say that instead.

Undergraduate / 'have been born in America' - about myself Penn State Essay [2]

Looks good to me. I think you should work on the conclusion a bit. Maybe you should mention that you hope to someday create a solution to this problem. You could say how you feel more connected to the immigrant community and you understand their difficulties, and that is something you could do in the future- maybe join into a program that offers assistance to those people. You could also say how you believe in the rights of immigrants to have easier access to those things that your parents had trouble with. This has opened my own eyes to a problem I was unaware of, so maybe you could use your experience as a way to spread awareness. good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'first forced practice' - Deficient -- Common App Prompt #1 [7]

You have a great ability for writing, I found one sentence that sound kind of awkward: "The schedule of cross country in the fall to track in the spring to conditioning over the summer is the same no matter what school I go to, a little slice of order in my otherwise dynamic life."

Also, you begin the essay in "present" tense, and then after that paragraph you switch to past tense, which would sound better if you kept everything in past tense. it is also unclear to me exactly when (at what age) were you diagnosed anemic. I see that your essay is all about track, but because you speak of the anemia at first, it would interest me to hear a bit of how it affected your athletic abilities and what special circumstances did you have due to this condition?

Your essay sounds really good to me. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / Texas C- MINNGGLING!! [2]

I was determinedto somehow stop this whole "alienate the Indian" thing.had to stop.

It took me time to actually start adjusting and get usedaccustomed to their ways.

I not only had to overcome all those pre-conceived notions about myself but also had to prove it to them that mingling in a new group was not so difficult however hard they made it for me.

This sentence sounds a bit awkward. maybe say it like this:
"I wanted my classmates to look past their pre-conceived notions of me. Although it was difficult, I had to prove to them that cooperating with me was not so hard."

I also drew uponrelied on my much needed inner strength,and help from my parents, who all along supported me in coping with thisduring this delicate phase.

Undergraduate / 'It made me suffer, but..' - COLLEGE ESSAY, schizophrenic brother [2]

My brother's symptoms were ambiguous at first, but as time went on they slowly escalated.

After weeks of convincing my parents with piles of research, we finally took him to the hospital to get mentally evaluated.

Psychiatrists concluded that he was showing severeobvious signs of schizophrenia.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Zack may never reachfully recoveragain ..." The doctor said with sympathy.
((you kinda leave me wondering what happened after his diagnosis... after all, there are great treatments for the disorder that can help a person lead a fairly comfortable life, it is a permanent illness, but not a death sentence, he would never have ordinary mental health, but he is still a person with feelings and thoughts. maybe you could add another sentence mentioning how there is hope for someone with his problem, and how your family and doctors will be there to support him))

Nice job with this essay, good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'Cabana Banana nail polish' - Common Application: Topic of my choice [3]

Hi, I think that your idea for this essay is really good, it is original, and cute, it shows off your personality well. You should re-organize your essay though. For the topic of your choice prompt- you do not need to include all of that stuff about contributing to the college, although tie it in at the end. you want your topic (banana nail polish) to be the purpose of your essay. So, if you choose to keep this topic, you will need to expand on the idea that banana nail polish is like you- original, and how each polish color is the color of another person's personality. How boring life would be with only 1 color, it is variety that makes life exciting and interesting, and that is what college will be like: a melting pot of all the different colors/ personalities that make the place so fun! keep your essay light and upbeat, and I think that you will have something great :)

Undergraduate / 'finding people like her' - Why Tufts? [6]

Hi :) I think your essay would sound better if you replaced the beginning with something more significant. When you say "I'll be honest: when my college counsellor mentioned Tufts in the spring of my junior year as one of the schools I should look at, I thought he was insane. I'm not sure where I got this idea, but I was convinced that I wouldn't like it. " it makes me think you don't really care, even if you do, and it is unclear why you had that feeling... so this statement kinda hangs in space. So, you could replace this sentence with another reason, like, that they offer some programs that interest you, or that you will enjoy a certain aspect of the campus, or you will be able to shine in a club, or learn the skills you need for your career. Or, you could change the way you explain the introduction to Tufts, like, say how your counselor encouraged you with examples of the college's perks and benefits. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'the Logistics department coordinator' -Short Answer for Common Application [5]

This sentence is too long, I can split into 2 simpler sentences.
The project called "Ecobaza-educatie pentru dezvoltare durabila" is a project that lasted from the1st of July 1, 2011 to the 1st of July 1, 2012 was created for the Monument park.and whose aimThe project's goal was to build a special environment in the Monument park where youth could spend their free time and teachers could hold Science classes in the open air.

AsIt was the first project of its kind in the country.IAlong with other 8 other members, I initiated the project and managed to gather 4000 euros through the Youth in Action Programme.

MoreoverAdditionally, Ithecoordinatedon the Logistics department, managed the resources, created fund-raising events and made sure that the project went smoothly.

Undergraduate / 'Learning to accept the facts' - UC #2 - Stuttering [3]

Hi :) I think that your essay is fantastic. You have great skill for writing and your topic is very interesting. I can't find any errors, and I have no suggestions for changing it- looks good the way it is! I think you have shown maturity and individuality, along with demonstrating an ability to overcome obstacles. Your personality really shines through, and I think any college will be lucky to have you as a student. Good luck in school :)

Book Reports / "The Old Man and the Sea" and materialistic success - Literary Essay Revision [3]

This looks really good to me, i have a few suggestions.

An attainment of wealth and honor are the materialistic adaptation of success and are all too often, assumed to symbolize a man's values.
I think this sentence needs to be revised:
You could say it like this:
"Regarding the attainment of wealth and honor, it is common for people to equate true achievement with a materialistic version of success.

Santiago, the protagonist o f the story, is portrayed by Hemingway as an old fisherman with inner-strength, wisdom, and perseverance that wants to catch one last marlin before retiring.

By using his experience and fisherman's skill, allowed him tohe recognized that the plankton around him, using this experience and skillto recognizewere a sign that fish were near.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 - Transfer Student "How I got into psychology" [5]

Hi :) Your paper sounds really good to me. I think you did a nice job answering the question. I have a few suggestions for you.

Physical healing is the job of doctors and nurse, while mental healing is the job of psychologists.
You may want to say it like this: "Doctors and nurses are responsible for their patient's physical health, while psychologists specialize in mental health."

((I changed this thought a bit, because technically, a psychologist studies mental health, while a counselor or psychiatrist is more responsible for treating patients))

In the past people have neglected going to psychologists, because they think that if they go they wont be considered a normal person.
You could say this: "Unfortunately, there is a stigma on treatment by a psychologist, because people feel abnormal or ashamed for needing mental help."

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school, and during that time I had almost lost all hope that my life would ever get better, until my parents sent me to a psychologist, Dr. John Schienner.

This sentence is long and loaded, I'd split it up into two sentences.

Now When I see others who look downtroubled, I try to engage with them and make them feel comfortable to open up to (confide in?) me.

Writing Feedback / 'expressing negative opinions' - my essay about "TV and Radio Censorship" [3]

Hi, I think your paper sounds great, you expressed your thesis and opinion well, and explained the other opinions on the subject. One thing that you should focus on is that your writing is a bit "wordy", meaning that you could use different words to shorten your sentences, and this would make the paper a bit easier to read and understand. I chose a couple of sentences that need revision, just some ideas:

Some people believe that TV or radio programs should be carefully examined by the censorship board members or government before airing to the general public; while others formed the different opinion regarding this matter.oppose this idea.

I believe that censorship can be a greatis an effective way to limit many problems.It can prevent the conflicts whichhatred, orcaused by the expression of racial slurs.could bring,Censorship will cancel or limit the influence ofinadequate pornography programs , and restrict or supervisemonitorthe impact of programs whichthat use offensive language, violence,or scary visuals,or anyand immoral behavior that can have onoffend children and young adults.

Book Reports / (people transformed through relationships) A Thousand Splendid Suns Suggestions [5]

How are people transformed through relationships with others? Here are my ideas:
1) They could be negatively influenced, and be weakened by the relationship
....this could be caused by a friend on drugs like in your example, or somebody who is mean to others, somebody that teaches them to steal or cheat

2) They could be positively influenced, uplifted, supported
...this could be a relationship with a family member, a mentor, a best friend

3) They could discover more about their true self through this relationship
... This could be the result of a journey where somebody introduces a hobby or subject that is the person's true calling, the person could find exactly what they want/need and how to be the best person that they are capable of being.

Undergraduate / Piano by my Lonesome --Personal Essay [5]

Bearing the traditional ignorance that comes with having lived for just over a decade, I had no clue what was in it until my older brother confided in me that he was attending his first piano class that he was going to use the new digital piano to practice.

This sentence is really long and a bit hard to read. I'd split this into two sentences.

In a way it was godsend: (not that he had quit but that he had ever started) after he abandoned piano playing with a bad taste in the mouth it was up to me to make use of the expensive instrument.

You could also call it a "blessing in disguise" that he quit playing... I don't like the phrase "bad taste in the mouth"

Just like the Caucasian who, surrounded by Indians in the Hindu temple every Diwali, stood out for more than one reason, I too seemed a foreigner to the trade. While the white man made an effort to slip into the festival covertly, his prayer rang more spiritedly than the more belonging Indians. I never had formal instruction nor did I know how to read music, so it was natural that I lived on a separate world to the common pianist. I was left cluelessly scratching my head when someone asked me if what I played was "in B major or B minor"; I developed my own terms for the same concepts, granting me a different perspective and above all a priceless sense of discovery to each new idea of sound.

I like what you say in this paragraph. I would strengthen the aspect of your unique learning experience, because it is very interesting, nice job with that. The first sentence in this paragrah could be revised to be easier to understand. Try to keep this paragraph consistent, like, keep on topic.

It was a grueling task, listening to the piece hundreds of times to find every single note, but watching every gesture of the pianist and every impulse of the piano accounted for the reason my piece purportedly "actually sounds like the composer played it!"

This is a bit disjointed. maybe you could say it like this: "I learned every single note by listening to the piece of music hundreds of times. I reveled in the experienced pianist's style of movement, which inspired me to play exactly like the composer. "

Research Papers / Illegal Drug Testing in schools; research paper [2]

Hi :) If you spend some time researching this subject, you may find some ideas for your thesis. Try to find info on past studies that have been done, whether any schools have practiced this method. If you propose that this drug testing is going to be beneficial to the students and school system, then you need research to back up that claim. Find some good reasons to support your opinion on this. Also, you need to report the research in a way that shows your thesis to be true. The problem of students doing drugs is not easily solved, so you need to analyze how drug testing will work as a solution. When you have anything written please post it in this thread and I will try to take a look at it. Thanks and good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Exterior of buildings is more important than their functions. [6]

I think your paper has great content and structure, continue working on your grammar. You have organized your ideas well. Let me offer you some suggestions:

These days, as more high-rise buildings have been built. Whether a structure should focus on its exterior or interior has sparked a heated debate, with some individuals perceiving that external appearance is more important than internal function.Nevertheless, others hold an opposite view.

Great job on your first paragraph. You could revise it a little, here is my idea: "High rise buildings have become very popular. There is a debate about whether a building's external appearance is more important than its internal function."

The unique aesthetic value embodied by these structures is of the most significance. extremely significant.

This architecture is the landmark or a symbol of city and represents the specific cultural ethos, which in turn attracts the tourists from all over the world and raises the sense of national pride for residents.

You may want to say it like this: "Beautiful buildings are often landmarks or symbols of a great city. They can represent national pride and culture, which attracts tourists from around the world."

Undergraduate / I want to make a change in my community; exceptional hardships, challenges, opportunities [2]

Many people haven't even heard of this town and I have the dream that Hidalgo can become a metropolitan area
You could also start this phrase like this: "Although the town is basically unheard of, I...

This little town is the kind of town where everyone says hi to everyone else as they walk by the streets.
Or you could say it like this: "In this town, it is typical for everyone to say hello to each other as they walk down the street."

The reason why I want to be part ofjoin the architecture program of architecture in the university is because I will lovemy goal is to return to my community and make a change.

Since I was a little girl, art was my passion; 0 creating sculptures with everything, drawing on the walls, asking my mom for stickers and paper to create drawings and sketches.

Later in the semester, we had anwere assigned to create a mythological creature in 3D.

Writing Feedback / What would you change if you are given a chance? [3]

Many of the people in my hometown always have a problem with the unpaved road.
You could also say it like this: "In my hometown, many people think that a major problem is the unpaved roads."

The road problem will make trouble to people in traffic.
Maybe say this "The road creates problems for drivers in traffic."

This issue probably createswill likely cause an accident while people are driving.

In contrast, if the government has a budget to repair the road in my hometown, the problem of traffic and other effects would reduce more.

Another way you could say this: "One solution to this problem is to use government funding to repair the road. This would alleviate traffic and other effects of the unstable road."

Undergraduate / "There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure" [2]

Weekdays around 6 o'clock or so, my father would call for me and say that it was time for us time to go pick my mother up from work.

On weekdays, at about 6 o'clock, my father and I would go to pick up my mother from work.

My book was something I never left behind before leaving the house...
I never left the house without my book

Arriving in Atlantic City at least 30 minutes prior to my mother getting off work gave me some time to fill my little blank book with whatever I thought was particularly pretty.

As we typically arrived 30 minutes early, I used the time to fill my book with anything that I thought was pretty.

Asserting all these condensed feelings I have into the flow of drawings, paintings and sculpture is better represented in the format where you can pull multiple interpretations of it without really following a formula.

I'd revise this sentence, it sounds a bit awkward and hard to read.

For me, art is not a generic-multiple-choice question; your answer is never really wrong, and therefore, it gives me room to adjust to techniques I struggle with without being held accountable.

The concept of art is that there is no wrong or right answer, no multiple choice questions, which allows room to adapt and adjust to the techniques.

Writing Feedback / 'Mercedes-Benz E-Klasse and Misogyny ' - My analysis on Gender in commercials [2]

Your paper is very well done, I enjoyed reading about this interesting topic. I cannot find many mistakes, i just chose a few lines that you may want to adjust.

Her breasts are perky

The female librarian , who also is a women is a complete contrast of the blonde.

She is plump in weight, wears neutral colored attire, sports glasses, has frizzy hair and she has a stern demeanor.

...the commercials attempts to assimilate and reaffirm age old stereotypes.

On a deeper analysis, It sends a conflicting message to the audience that for a woman to have beauty she must be dumb or either that a woman that holds intelligence must lack beauty.

Another way you could say this: "By analyzing further, it is apparent that the message relayed to the viewers is reinforcing female stereotypes. A beautiful woman must be dumb, and an intelligent woman is always lacking beauty."

Undergraduate / Effects of grandparents' cancer on academics, optional essay C [3]

Cancer..hospitals..chemotherapy..unfortunately, these ringing words became all too routine and familiar in my house.During my freshman and early sophomore years of high school,These were the years when my two grandfathers were diagnosed with Cancer...and these were the years when my life took a complete 360 degree turn.

Nice introduction... that must have been so hard for you and your family

...to give me the attention that I longed for.

...I formed an unexplainablea loving bond with them.

Fast forwarding someY ears later,was when I had to face the toughest challenge in my life to this day: losing both of my grandfathers to cancer.

did not realize that the repercussions thatof my overall academics would face because of my disregard during those years.someday give me problems.

Undergraduate / 'the patient differential diagnosis' - learned from an extracurricular activity. [2]

Hi :) You have done a wonderful job with this paper, very impressive! I think that your topic is interesting, and shows your dedication to learning more about the field of medicine. I cannot find any grammatical mistakes or errors and you write with much intelligence. You show yourself to have goals and a plan for the future, which is exactly what the college wants to hear. I think any school would be lucky to have you as their student. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "I gaze at the sunset with the woman I love and think, F8 at 1/2"; personal stateme [7]

They are calculating the aperture sizes and shutter speeds even in the most romantic atmosphere, trying to seek the best combinations of these elements.
I'm not sure if "romantic" is the best word here, can you find another word that portrays this idea?

Yet beyond the basic principles that photography fans should memorize, I have learned more.

At first, I took great pleasure in photography as antyroamateur with neither professional equipment nor exquisite skills.

One time, I participated in a photography competition which required me to take pictures every day.

I began feeling stressful to be judged by others due to the presence of my schoolmates who were able to create works of profound message.

This might sound better: "There was an atmosphere of competitiveness between my schoolmates, who intimidated me with their profound works of art."

Even a little boy could find the pleasure in the photography while I failed to, why?
Here is another way you could say this: "By watching the boy's pleasure, I pondered why I had failed to see the significance of those photos."

Undergraduate / With me, the period of revising for master of law examination is the most stressful [6]

Most of people have a very stressful period in their wholeat some point in their life. WithFor me, the period of revising for the master of law examination was the most stressful time in my life.

There was lots of things to prepare for the exam but I didn't have much enough time to do everything.
Maybe say it like this: "The preparation for the exam included a heavy workload, and I struggled to find enough time to study."

Moreover, I also needed to read a lot of different textbooks to understand the provisions of the Commercial law.

I felt really stressed and tired when I tried to remember so many things for a while.retain loads of information for a long period of time.

Besides that, because I am not goodfast at listening to and speaking English, so it was very hard to learn two these English skills.

Undergraduate / Propsal Essay on Animal Tessting; Animal Cruelty is terrible and should not be legal [2]

BecauseI t is not required that scientists report how many mice, rats, or birds are used for experiments, but it is estimated that the use of90% of animal testing is performed on mice and rats.is 90%.

The good thing about this is that many of the animals that are being used need to be maintained and controlled. Because the rat, mice, dog, and cat population is high and they are too many of them in the world so by using these animals for testing we are taking care of the animal population and maintaining it. Really these animals are used for good because if we did not have these animals to test on then we would not have our cosmetic, toiletries, etc... these products would be harmful if they were not tested first so the animals are doing us some good.

I think that this paragraph is not quite right. At the ginning of your paper, you state that animal cruelty is bad and should be illegal. So, you should follow up that thesis with some supoting reasons for your argument. Instead, you start about why it is good. If you want to say these things, they are the opposite of your opinion. So, you could say "Some people feel that animal testing is necessary... and this is why. Then you must refute those reasons, in order to keep your paper on topic.

In 2002 (not including the mice, rats, and birds: no one knows how many of those animals are used) were used for research that was painful, stressful, distressful or both.

You may want to revise this sentence because it is a bit confusing.

I actually see more supporting evidence for the argument that animal testing is ok. Check over your paper and be sure to show your position on this subject as FOR or AGAINST animal testing. Don't forget to use citations for your information stated in this paper. You are a skilled writer, just check your consistency.

Essays / What is the best format for Personal Statement / SOP? [5]

1) State the purpose of writing it.

2) Remember to say only what the reader wants to hear (I assume this is for college admission officials)

3) Say why you are interested in the field of study

4) Say what you intend to focus on/study in college

5) explain your short term and long term goals

6) say how college will give you the skills to achieve your goals

:) Good luck in school