While your essay is OK and probably would not hurt your chances of admissions if your other application components are strong, it wouldn't put you into the clear acceptance pile either - especially if the admissions committee were debating between you and another applicant with similar statistics. While your essay started off in a very unique and interesting way, it quickly became dull and basic. Aside from the Freakonomics story you do not mention anything about Chicago. Why Chicago? You weave a rather weak connection between your curiosity for different subjects and the ability to study them all through the core at the university. Again the question is why Chicago? Every top school or even not so top university has a core that - depending on the person - can be considered as strong, liberal or intense. You need to make your story as strong as it can be. Make the admissions committee feel as though you really belong there. Talk more about the resources available at the College and how you plan to utilize them to begin to quench your thirst for knowledge. -AAO
Your essay is well structured however you just scratch the surface. For most Engineering graduate programs, I would say that this essay is fine, however, since GA Tech is arguably THE TOP program in the nation, your essay has to be better. You never go into any real detail about any of your past projects. You never talk about YOUR contributions to the project. You name drop a lot of technological jargon but the professors who read the graduate applications will very quickly see through that. You need to select one or two projects, go into detail about what you did on those projects. What were the results? Were the results what you had expected? What inspiration did you receive from working on those projects? Also Because this is a statement of purpose, try to include bits of your life in general. Give the reader a real sense of who you are all around, not just academically - AAO
Well done. This is an essay that still gets the point across in a well put together manner. You just have a few minor issues to fix(I ventured a look inat my comrades' faces) and this essay will certainly be Stanford worthy. -AAO
Hello, your writing style is great and you handle several big "SAT" words well. However, this has to be one of the most conceited essays I have ever read in my 6+ years of reviewing admissions essays. Everything in this essay is about how great you are - how great your works are - how many awards you won. Also, I do not understand what you mean by science students do not write. That may be the norm in your culture, but for the reader at Stanford, that might be a foreign thought as it is to me. Because of that, you need to explain more the thought process behind that school of thinking. Intellectual vitality is about how learning excites you. It shouldn't be about you comparing yourself and works to already well established notables -AAO
Generally a good essay. However, you do not fully answer the prompt....What is your place in this community? You used a lot of "we" which is great, but the prompt is asking about YOU as a part of that greater "we." - AAO
As everyone else has stated, your writing is superb. This story was so well written that I cannot believe that you are just applying to college. However, since my favorite thing to do is give harsh criticism, I also have to tell you about the negatives of this essay. As the previous posters have mentioned, this essay focuses tooo much on the doc. To personalize it and cut it down to the new word limit, focus on his struggles and the fact that he never gave up and talk about how that also fosters the same tenacity in you. If you have ever tried something more than one, use that as an example to solidify to the reader how you were positively encouraged by him. Keep some of the color bits that you describe in the beginning of your essay. It makes your essay fun to read and certainly unique. Great Job! - AAO
One that jumped out at me right away was when you wrote "seventh story unit ." ...a unit on the seventh floor, a seventh floor unit....a unit on the seventh floor of a seven story building...There are several other similar mistakes throughout your essay. -AAO
Your essay is great and it passes the originality and passion test. You have major problems with word usage, and grammar, but those can be fixed. The other problem with this essay is consistency. At the end you state that you entered to get this pet. However, in the beginning you write as though you entered to fight the fire. Just make your story consistent throughout the essay. I am sure it is not a major deal, but you never know. We can help you make this and your other essays flawless.
Well it seems that you do not have much time to write your sop. Typically with an engineering SOP, we advise our clients to separate their essay into three separate parts;
1) Opening Passion Statement and your most relative distant past - Talk about your childhood and early experiences but tie that in with why you wish to study graduate level engineering.
2) Your Near Past - talk about engineering projects/internships you completed and how those projects sparked an interest in studying petroleum engineering at the graduate level. One thing you did well in this essay was talking about how you had to self support. I would include that in this section as well.
3) Talk about present and your future. What point are you at now? What jobs have you had? Why graduate School? Why this School? Why this program? Why are you passionate about this field? What do you wish to do in the future?
We can help you craft a SOP that will get you accepted!
Just review the essay forums here. How many times has this same type of descriptive essay about "No Pain No Gain" been written? I counted at least four times in less than a month. If you extrapolate that, imagine how many times other applicants will also write a similar essay. It gets really boring really quick for the admissions team. Try to be as unique as possible. Think outside the box. Do not copy essays from a forum or book because everyone else is doing that. We make sure all essays are unique and amazing. Otherwise the essay is fine, but it is certainly not unique.
This is a very impersonal and boring essay. Talk about a specific experience while volunteering at the goodwill to support your thesis. The specific experience will help breathe some life into this otherwise dull and generic essay.
You do not talk about anything you have done with computers. The prompt clearly states "talk about relevant experiences/plans." Without any relative experience your talk about how Computer Science is your life will just be hogwash!
Depending on what University you are applying to, this essay is "o.k" at best. For a top 20 University this essay will be considered very weak. You have a tremendous amount of material to talk about and as such this essay should be much stronger. Again, as I have written time and time again, this is one of those topics that I call "safe." Everyone is going to write about "diversity." You actually have at least four years worth of diverse experiences. You need to show how cultures are different yet the same to support your thesis. As it stands right now your essay is bland and barely scratches the surface in terms of an essay worthy of admissions to a top school. -AAO
Healthy competition is ok. In this essay, what you talk about is cut-throat competition. Universities already have students that will do this. They do not want to actively recruit students that display this quality. I suggest that if this essay is for a top 15 school, that you scrap it completely. As a former admissions officer, I know I would have put this essay and your entire application in the rejected pile. Top colleges want students that understand the meaning of community and service. Suggesting in any way that you are all about being the best at any cost is not an admirable trait. You should strive to be the best because you strive to be the best not because you wish to do better than someone. -AAO
I will give you the harsh feedback. When we work with our clients, we never allow them to submit essays that we know will not help them stand out from the crowd of applicants. As I have written time and time again, applicants need to think outside of the box. Both Princeton and Swarthmore receive thousands of applications each year. How many times do you think they will read a story like this? I'll tell you.... exactly 15,001 times! This story has been told over and over and over and over again. The fact is, every teenager feels awkward and tries to reinvent him or herself at some point. Many even reinvent themselves again or as you have done, revert to a more comfortable self. What I am trying to say is that this essay is too generic. It has been told before, and will be told every year for eternity. In totality it is not a unique story although it happened uniquely to you. To make this story unique to Andy/Andrew and for the reader you will need to dig deeper. Maybe talk more about your experience with football. Since most nerds/geeks do not join the football team, this approach will certainly make your essay unique. Make your entire essay about that experience and how you felt at every stage along the way. Talk about why you signed up, how the new found fame made you feel on the outside as well as the inside. What were your struggles with your thoughts and football in general and ultimately what made you quit the team? By focusing on football, you can still get the same message across (staying true to yourself is important) but you will use a unique experience to make it entertaining, memorable and most importantly -unique. We can help -AAO
Best essay I have read so far this admissions Cycle. Congrats! Your essay masterfully combines a hint controversy with individuality. You are sure but yet unsure which absolutely describes a 17 year old. I think James Madison would gladly help you learn more about yourself and the world. Good luck!
First, I would like to say that I am a former admissions officer from an Ivy League University and a State College. These are my personal thoughts on your essay based upon my years of experience. After many years of reading thousands of essays and reviewing just as many transcripts, I can say your circumstance is not so rare. Each year at the State College, I would read tons of essays from freshmen transfers who wanted to leave behind the disaster of their freshman year. I assure you, many transfer admissions officers(especially at public schools) understand this and will focus more on high school grades or your most recent grades after your disaster semester. This is - of course - only if you acknowledge your wrong and have a serious plan for your future. Your essay seems to go in many many directions and you do not seem to take responsibility. While everything you say is probably true, the way it is written here will certainly raise an eyebrow. First you mention your bad grades we due to a rather common illness -especially among college aged women- then you attribute it to your surrounding environment. While these all are plausible, you, yourself never fully take responsibility. You are not the first freshman to do poorly and certainly will not be the last. What you need to focus more on in this essay is to portray real responsibility. Talk about a solid plan rather than just writing..."I created a five-year plan that consisted of obtaining a bachelor degree, scoring well on the LSAT, entering graduate school, perusing a career in law obtaining a job, traveling, giving back to the community and establishing myself as an independent woman." While that is fine....it is just words. What in depth research have you completed? Have you tried to shadow a judge? Have you tried to get a law or business related internship? What community service have you started doing NOW? There are so many ways you can show that you are serious rather than just writing it. Finally, you mention many groups that you will join at UofW and once again that is fine...but talk about the academic experience a little bit more. After-all what you are after is the core academic integrity of the University. Give specifics as to why the Philosophy department at U of W is better. Once you do these things, your essay should have you admitted in no time. -AAO
This essay is almost perfect. It talks about your experience in a vivid way. It almost resembles the very same experience I had when I was six and my family immigrated to the United States. I think any admissions officer would appreciate this story. The only thing I would fix is your opening sentence. I am pretty sure you have no human talent that lets you know that you are approximately 30,000 feet above water. Rephrase that some other way so that it is clear. -AAO
This is a good first draft. It appears you have a slight problem with plurality and spelling. However, your essay's content is solid. I would work on learning when to use a (s) to differentiate the difference between singular and plural. Once you master this, you should do well on any exam. - AAO
Great start to this essay! It hits the major aspects that Duke will look for. The only suggestions I have is be careful about where you place your commas, and also research the school a little more. Duke, like most schools, will have a special mechanism designed for undeclared/undecided majors. This may be an open curriculum or a delayed curriculum(where your major courses do not start until some later point.) Once you include that as a selling point for your indecisiveness, you would have fully sold the admissions staff as to why Duke is the perfect choice for you. - AAO
I read your revision and it appears that you are now all over the place. Maybe you should just remove the entire portion where you talk about the fire or if you really want to include the fire incident, make it so that it reads as though "not even this fire could have stopped me from getting my [daily fix] of mac and cheese. Your essay title is "My Strange Addiction." Focus on that theme throughout the entire essay. As it stands now, you start out with that theme but later transition into a theme of "taking time out to take a step back each day." Both are great themes but both do not belong in the same short essay. I suggest that you stick with "My Strange Addiction," take the reader on an adventurous ride of your joys with the food. Let the reader get a real sense of your addiction to Mac and Cheese. I assure you, it will make your essay unique, quirky and entertaining.
This is a pretty good draft. My only suggestions are that you need to talk about why fusion energy is needed and what are the benefits of fusion energy. Also, it should be "greatest challenge in physics... and not 'to'." Once you add these pointers, this essay should be unique and worthy of admissions to UT.
As I have stated in several other posts, applicants need to be as unique as possible. The topic of bullying has become a major one especially in the last two years. As such, many many many applicants will write about this topic. That in and of itself is not a major issue as it is indeed an issue that is facing this generation a great deal and one that you have experienced firsthand. However, because this topic will be written about so frequently this admissions cycle - applicants that chose this topic need to make sure that their essay "bleeds" with passion. This essay is pretty standard and recounts your experiences with bullying but it needs to be written more passionately so that the reader really gets a sense of how you were feeling during those times. Also, you have quite a few grammatical issues in this essay. If you need more help in making this essay passionate and perfect we can help.
This essay is pretty good. It is original and get's your point across. The only feedback I would give is that you attempt to use "SAT" words but you do not use many of them effectively. Sometimes less is better. "I stared down at the items in apathy." Why were you staring at items in apathy? - And what items were you staring at? I ask this because in the sentence before this, you mention that your dad was holding up the items. Always make sure that your story remains consistent. Consistency was something I always looked for when I was an admissions director.
I think your essay is unique and I showed it to a few colleagues of mine. We all agree it is unique and somewhat quirky but it might not be the best impression you want to give to the admissions committee. What if the reader of your application were blonde...you never want to potentially offend the reader. Secondly, and more importantly, your essay is about how you are absentminded. I am not sure that would be the best focus for an essay aimed at getting you into one of the oldest and most prestigious programs in the nation. I would still keep the Mac and Cheese story, but would approach it from an angle of strength and not weakness. We can help. AAO
I also graded your essay using the same auto grader that many admissions programs use. Your essay scored: 83/100
There are several major issues with this draft. It is almost as though you have written a transcript of an interview. While some applicants desire to write an essay in an interview style, I wouldn't suggest it here. Also, your essay is very negative. Use additional essays or just include a quick one page essay explaining why your grades were bad in the past. You only have 500 words to work with here. Use the vast majority of that to focus on why Barnard? There are many other colleges for women and colleges in general...Why Barnard? Elaborate more on the Barnard community, what they offer, and how you will fully utilize the resources the school has to offer. We can help you with this -admissions advice online .com
You are applying to a MSF program. Because of this, you can breathe a little easier as the essay is not an integral part of the admissions process for these types of programs. However, your essay does need some grammatical and structural revision. You ramble from topic to topic with no real direction. To streamline this essay, write down the top 3 things that you want to convey to the reader. These three things should be things that are no covered anywhere else in your application. Continue to talk about your research and your plans post degree. However trying to cram everything into your SOP might make you appear as an unorganized applicant to the admissions committee.We can help you with this. -AAO
Your essay is ok. But once again, I can assure you, admissions officers will read this exact same essay at least 50,000 times this admissions cycle. Please think outside of the box. Admissions Officers at top programs want excitement, and uniqueness. This story has been told over and over and over again. I personally have read it at least 500 times. To breathe life into this story, think about a specific event that occurred at the hospice. Build your story around that specific event. Make the story unique to you and how that helped build character in you. As your story stands now, it is the same story of the overachiever with no life who discovers a world beyond studying....it's been told before.
What a great mom you have. After reading your essay, I get a great sense of who your mom is but not really to much about Ada. I think you do not fully answer the prompt. You begin to answer parts of it in your opening paragraph but then the reader gets pulled away by another story. To make this essay stronger, you need to translate directly characteristics that your mother has(that you admire) that have directly shaped who you are today. How have they shaped who you are today? Also, you somehow try to mash your mother's actions into wanting to study Psychology and Criminology but you do not give any real explanations as to why. If this essay is for a competitive school, it will need to be revised greatly. -AAO
You should certainly include details of your past projects and future plans. Writing about your grades in a SOP shouldn't be done unless your grades were bad or below average and you are trying to explain them away. A statement of Purpose is designed to provide the reader with a deeper insight as to why you would be a great fit for the program and what you hope to do once you have completed the degree. Your grades will already be reflected in transcripts and on your resume. Including it again in your SOP is not a wise use of space and might appear as though you are bragging. -AAO
Is this essay for University Admissions? If so, you need to shift focus. As it stands now the majority of your essay is about your younger years. It is acceptable to write about how your interest in table tennis came about, but it should be in context relative to time. That is to say, the older an experience is, the less amount of space you should dedicate to it. So for this essay, you should sum up everything from your younger years in one or two sentences at the most. Then you should spend the rest of the essay developing how table tennis has helped you recently. As it stands now, the essay reads as though you are applying for admissions to middle or high school and you never want a university admissions officer to think that.
After reading just the first few sentences of your essay I can assure you that the U of Chicago will flat out deny your application for admissions if you were to submit this essay. You begin your story about how you clicked through email after email with prep school rejections. You then state that it did not matter because you were doing "ok" at your current school. However your essay is fraught with grammatical error after grammatical error (even in your opening sentence). Your essay has the elements of a great essay, but you will need to submit a flawless essay or else the Admissions Committee at Chicago will just think that you did not improve your grammatical skills at all while in High School. We can help you with this.
You should absolutely include that in your statement of purpose. Since this condition has been apart of your life for some time, at times influencing the decisions you have made, leaving it out would be leaving out a major source of your strength and courage. Remember that a statement of purpose is designed to allow you to provide the application reviewer with more details about yourself. Details that might not be covered anywhere else in the application package. As such, the SOP is the perfect place to include something like this. We can help you craft an amazing SOP that highlights your strengths and courage and why any program would be enhanced by offering you admissions.
I think you have all the great ingredients of an amazing essay. You talk about how you found your love for dentistry, the need for it in your community, and something that you would like to add the the profession, namely a greater emphasis on preventative care as can be found in Korea. The only issue is that despite the fact of having elements that are unique, you managed to make your statement sound like most of the generic "I want to help save the world" essays that most medical profession Applicants submit. Your challenge here will be to make your unique circumstances really stand out and captivate your readers. I can assure you, that you will be competing with several other students that will also write about the fact that they live in a remote area and as such their future dental skills will be needed. We can help you make your essay unique and amazing! -AAO
You did not answer the prompt at all. What do you intend to learn from Penn? How do you plan to contribute back to the UPenn community? You did not talk about either of these two directives. This essay is very generic and will impress no one. -AAO/express
This is a good reason why students should have their essays professionally reviewed. You write, "Large and diverse as Upenn is, staying put for four years still seems dull. In two Junior College years, I participated in two overseas school trips, and cannot imagine four university years without one." This alone will be scored as a minus for you. I realize that you meant this in a good way. However, what you are basically saying is that Upenn for 4 years will be dull. There is a much better way to phrase your desire to study abroad without it detracting from the hard work of the staff at The University of Pennsylvania. Also, you must talk more about how you will utilize the facilities and programs. Its ok to say you like the interdisciplinary aspect of Upenn, but so will 15,000 other applicants. How will you really utilize the resources to achieve exactly what you want? Lastly, how will you give back? Elaborate more on this. AAO/express
Great essay. The only things that you should change/remove is "She scolded, but I was too mesmerized to even notice." It seems a bit out of place. Secondly, I would talk more about one resource at Cornell that you anticipate yourself using. It could be a club, a research program...anything. Otherwise, your essay is smooth, clean and very reader friendly. It gives introspective into your desires and why the flexibility of Cornell's CAS curriculum will benefit you. Good job.
NYU is one of the most applied to undergraduate schools in the nation. Psychology is by far it's largest non-business/arts major. This means that your competition will be tremendous. Your essay here starts out well, but quickly declines. You mention that NYU is the best place for you to study but do not mention anything to support your assumption. How does NYU fit in with your experiences? More importantly, how do you fit in with NYU. In my experience as an admissions officer for a major university, the single reason why applicants were denied admissions after passing the first round was that they failed to answer the prompt correctly. This essay wants to know "Why NYU." Nothing you have mentioned in your essay lets the reader know why. -AAO/express
I really hope you are applying to a fashion university. If not, this essay will not be taken seriously. I always advise my clients to read their essays aloud. When they do this, errors that were not apparent tend to show themselves. Your essay has many errors. Although I understand you are an international students, the application essay is the one aspect that should be written well. If you want to continue to write about clothing, make it a more personal essay. Talk about an obstacle you have had, maybe with a specific garment, that is near and dear to you, and how you have grown because of an event that occurred with that item. As it stands right now, your essay is very juvenile and I doubt any admissions officer would take it and you seriously. -AAO/express
As a general rule, if something goes without saying...you shouldn't say it. Your response in this short essay is good. You have managed to research the school enough to find this little known but powerful program. I would suggest that you add more about how this program will help you in your general student life at Columbia. -AAO/express
Hope This Helps
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