Unanswered [19] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by karan11295
Joined: Nov 25, 2011
Last Post: Dec 7, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 42  

From: India

Displayed posts: 47 / page 1 of 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "my family's first computer" - UC Prompt #1 How has your world shaped you? [6]

On the whole, great job with the essay. But you can use a little more imagery to convey your transition from games to web designing, like how Java/php (some computer jargon) shot down the soldiers of COD. Something like this, which you can think of. Good luck
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Beep - beep - beep' - Common App - Just Give It A Little Thought [6]

Use car/pick-up or whatever you have instead of vehicle. In the 3rd paragraph although your ideas are great but tie the thinking to something a little more specific in your life.

Like what you did differently that day because of the 45 minutes of thinking. One or two general ideas+1 specific experience will look much better.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am bewildered' - commonapp essay-My love of nature [23]

A squirrel pokes out of my pocket and whispers a word in my ear. I sit up, stunned. But before I can say something back, she disappears in a flash of stripy fur and tail. As my mind begins to comprehend the possibility of talking squirrels, its thought process is interrupted by a heavy thumping. I look down and see a battalion of marching ants. They look up and start quoting Shakespeare to accompany their footsteps. "O Romeo, Romeo" One-two One-two "wherefore art thou Romeo?" One-two One-two.

I am absolutely utterly bewildered. Why are animals speaking? Have I gone bonkers? I look around and find myself in the neighbourhood woods. How did I get here? I struggle to piece together my last memory but a little green snake shatters my concentration. He slithers around my prostate body and then settles on my belly. "How are you?" he asks me, staring unblinkingly. Not so much at my wit's end now, I manage to mouth a reply "Fine, but how the hell are you talking?" "You are unaware of a lot of mysteries of nature, foolish human" he hisses back. "Ok, let me up then" I say, confident of my lack of intellect. From the time when I was 7 and chased butterflies, I have always been amazed by the surprises nature had to offer, the camouflaged chameleons, the cocooned caterpillars, the green grasshoppers and many others. This is just another one out of her kitty, albeit quite big. My curiosity and love of nature fuelled, I get up and ask the snake "What now?" "Follow me" he replies. "Okay" I start walking behind his crawling muscular shape.

We soon reach a familiar tree. He starts climbing. So do I. Without a word, we reach the top. As I look around, my memory hits me like a splash of icy water. I last remember sitting here on my favourite branch. But before I can guess what happened afterwards, I am immersed into a cacophony of sights and sounds. The leaves start singing as the breeze ruffles through them and the animals start chattering. I catch snippets of the conversation and am impressed by the knowledge contained in them. I learn from a crow that putting the first differential of an equation equal to zero gives maxima or minima. I am retold of the fact that Aluminium Oxide is amphoteric, by a spider, a honest to god silk spinning spider.

Unbelievable. It is like an academia bursting forth up here, intent on educating me. I have climbed this tree often before, seeking solitude to think things through and have never left disappointed. It is my favourite place on the earth. Now though, I love it even more. I can learn here. Suddenly I see a flash of light. The green snake has gone. The tree has grown silent. I wake up. Was it all just a dream? I unconsciously put a hand in my pocket and take out an acorn with little squirrel bite marks on it. "No, it wasn't" I say to myself, smiling.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I loved looking at photographs' - FIT Essay [4]

Provide a little bit of imagery for the reader. Write something about your development from an amateur photographer to a good one and compare it to the transition of a photo from a negative in a dark room to the vivid colourful final photo.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'education and opportunities engineering' Why interested in attending Georgia... [3]

'Keep working hard and achieve more laurels
because it is only premier education that can make you reach that beautiful goal in your life' my dad once said to me when I won the general proficiency award in kindergarden.

^Start like this, it will cut unnecessary words. Also don't use 'ever since then' because you really didn't think about your goals in kindergarten, right?

And the essay is well written but a little generic. Anyone could insert the name of another institution in place of Georgia Tech and it wouldn't make a difference. So try to include some specific things about the college in your essay. Good luck
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Graduate / Anthropology statement of purpose "human rights and giving a voice" [3]

experience success-experienced success
Provide me-provides me
on a quick reading i stumbled across these 2 errors but overall your essay is very well written.
Also when you tell about your depression, you use the phrase 'as a result' twice in 2 succesive sentences. It sounds a little akward so you might wanna reword it.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am bewildered' - commonapp essay-My love of nature [23]

Thanks a lot everyone. Emekaobi, I am trying for Harvard, Yale, Princteon, Columbia, Amherst, Dartmouth, Colby, JHU, Williams and Vassar. I don't know whether this is good enough for them though. Can any of you compare it to previous accepted ones?

And Miguel, can you specifically point out the errors? It would be a great help.
Shreya, I am going in with my major undecided. But it most likely will be physics.
Cherrybomb, Thanks a lot for the modification. I'll change it immediately.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Small things have the potential to create an impact' - OSU Honors [3]

Nice essay, you tie up your aspirations with the theme of the book very well.
In the 10th line you can substitute a pronoun for the word opportunity. Right now it sounds a bit awkward. Use 'and I want to take advantage of every one of them' or something like that. In the last line you may use 'I' instead of 'one' but both are good. I personally like 'I' more.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Writing Feedback / My Tragic Flaw - a three-part theme analogy composition [2]

Amazing essay. Just some little things
what think is treasure is their trash - you missed a 'they' there I think
hell of hard - I'd prefer 'helluva hard' here but its your call
On the whole, I learn that you want to overcome the pressure of of your family and listen to your own heart. It is very clear and very well written.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Vassar-intellectual freedom [6]

My one-sided love affair with Vassar began when I first read the 'Mads Vassar' blog. Little by little, as the quirky details emerged, I started seeing myself at Vassar. When I read about the dialogue programs like 'Mixing it up' and conversational dinners, I came to realize what my life was missing. I grew up in a school where debating against the established ideas was discouraged and controversial issues were swept under the rug. Prayer was mandatory, but its interpretation, not so much. So the environment of Vassar, where all views and ideas are discussed and respected, appeals to me immensely. Physics is my favourite subject. So I am very fascinated by Dr Debra Elmegreen's research on distant galaxies which gives us a peek at the past of our universe. It would be amazing to listen to her ideas on astronomy. Since its intellectual atmosphere seems tailor made for me, I plan to enjoy studying in Vassar for the next four years.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'raised in a world of war' - Texas application essay influential person [4]

Your story with Nick is the best part of the essay and really moves the reader. You should cut down the first para a bit and include more about Nick. What you felt after his suicide? Sure you studied about it in class. But was there a ache in your heart seeing veterans commit suicide. Try to elaborate on that. Overall great essay.
karan11295   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Vassar-intellectual freedom [6]

Thanks both of you.
maroon, I wish I could say more but the commonapp limit is 500 char and since I'll be uploading the document I want to keep it less than 1000. But I'll surely improve the transition.

DMA17..thanks for the rewording. It sounds much better now. I'll upload a edited one soon.
karan11295   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a scholar since I was young - Topic of your Chocie [4]

"I realize that if my grades did not meet my standards, I did not try hard enough, if my nights studying were not enough, I did not study hard enough." In the second part of this line, you use 'enough' twice in consecutive fragments. And the tense seems awkward. Rephrase it to something like this-'I realized that if my grades didn't meet my standards, I wasn't trying hard enough; if my nights studying didn't pay off, I wasn't working hard enough"

I like your ideas but you should also try to include an example where your hard work paid off. Like a moment of victory for you, but make it a small one and don't dwell on it too much. Just refer to it to show that your ideas of hard work really work.
karan11295   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am bewildered' - commonapp essay-My love of nature [23]

Yeah, I just wrote the spider thing in jest. I'll try to find some better fact or animal to co-relate. Thanks a lot for your comments. Ah yes, foolish does sound in the face. Can you suggest a replacement for it?
karan11295   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am bewildered' - commonapp essay-My love of nature [23]

itsokaytogaga Thanks for the suggestions. I tried it but could only find very few facts to write about arboreal animals. So I reverted to random stuff. And yes, silly sounds better.

But I need some help. Some people I have asked are saying that the essay only shows my 'imaginative' side and lacks the idea of 'personal growth'. I have tried rewriting it but couldn't make any worthwhile changes. Still, can you take a look at the new one, as an adcom and tell me what you think of me and what you think of the essay. I am very anxious, please help. (Also say which one do you like better)
karan11295   
Nov 26, 2011
Graduate / My career goal/objectives - MBA in strategic management. [4]

Write about what you want to be and how the college will offer chances to you to make it happen. Use specific examples regarding that college to show that you have done your research and really wish to go there.
karan11295   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the willpower to succeed in all my endeavors'- Personal Statement [4]

I think you need to emphasize that first game a little more. Bring out the juicy details and how you contributed to the team. Use descriptive language for the atmosphere of the game. And keep the conclusion short and sweet.

Overall it is written well, but the story can be told better. I am sure you'll do it. Good luck
karan11295   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I am bewildered' - commonapp essay-My love of nature [23]

Thanks a lot Miguel. I needed the grammatical brush-up. Also how do you like the general idea of the second one? Is is good enough to be the main essay because it really doesn't show any personal growth. I also wanted to know whether the story I am trying to tell is clear. Are there any parts that are very difficult to understand. Is the vocabulary too simple? or too complex? I am sorry for such a long list of questions but any help is appreciated.
karan11295   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Short essay response - Extracurricular Activity - "My Beautiful Windows" [5]

It is very nicely written. Just put the name of the language which you learnt so that the EC sounds real and non-generic. Also I don't think the 'e' in explorer should be capitalized. And although I may be nitpicking here, seeing through many windows wouldn't be like a panoramic view. I dunno the exact word but I think it is referred to as mosaic vision. Panoramic view is just a wide angle view.
karan11295   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / "blackbird, fly" - UC prompt 1 [14]

i think you could be more specefic about how your parents and family helped you. you should also mention briefly why you went into your shell, why were you sad inside? after reading the entire essay, i still don't know that. Also try to reduce the number of lines about your and increase those in which you say how you bounced back. Elaborate on the help, not on the problem.

I think this essay has a lot of potential, and can become very very good if you just focus on the right things. Good luck
karan11295   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Not being open minded; An issue of importance [2]

i like your topic but i think you could do a much better job with it. The first passage sounds generic and gets boring after some time. But your idea of including your own personal experience is good. You can start the essay with that. Use a quote or a specific example to say how you accepted the change in ideas when you moved from NYC to texas. elaborate your own experience a bit and then move on the challenges of the society. then it can get much better.

Sorry for being harsh.
karan11295   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'New York City Experience' - UC Prompt #2 [6]

you have a great story, now just try to elaborate on the nyc experiences. Like the subway and the parade. your first line's idea is good but it's a little awkward. start with something like this '2654 miles from my home, a lonely desert town, i stood in new york city. America's mecca, with its blanket of lights and forest of buildings, had found a new beleiver. i was captivated, i was stunned and i was in love. Each towering spire seemed a victory, each little out of the way street an oppurtunity and each person, a mystery. i had always lived in a place where everyone was hispanic and was thus studdened by the multitude of cultures that reigned in nyc.'
karan11295   
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Wanna see a trick-commonapp EC essay [3]

"1 2 3 and this card" I flourish out the Ace of Spades. "Wow, how did you do that?" the girl asks me with her mouth agape in surprise. I reply with the familiar "A magician never tells" and start moving towards the next group of people. As I take in their appearances, my mind furiously begins to evaluate them. Which trick to perform on whom? What to do and what to avoid?

As you might have guessed, I am a street magician. I perform tricks for random people in the city and I love every bit of it. The thrill of approaching a stranger, the coolness of being able to one-up them and the sheer fun of the trick draws me towards this 'art'. Its hard work practicing the upper card force or the vanishing coin but the class and style of the end result is worth it. The look on the faces of the audience is worth it. And although it may be a cliché to say that magic taught me hard work, it really honestly did. Where else can you see the result of your late night shuffling pay off in the form of awe and applause? I can't. Not anyplace else.

My mind humming, my evaluation complete, I get to that group and start with the usual "Wanna see a trick?"
karan11295   
Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Curiosity whispers in my ear' - Common Application [7]

Your first essay is awesome. Though you may want to elaborate the part where you help the orphaned children in India. It will make your essay stronger.

The second one is good too but it doesn't tell much about you. Try to include a specific experience at the hospital if you can.

Both the essays are very well written and hold the reader in. Good luck

Also try and look at my EC essay if you can. Thanks a lot.
karan11295   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Wanna see a trick-commonapp EC essay [3]

rgudz26, thanks a lot. I'll change the hard work part and try to shorten the anecdote. Will post an edited one soon. Any idea on how I can 'show' how I learned hard work? It would be very helpful. Thanks again
karan11295   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the importance of an education through the people of N'Tiola' - experience prompt [2]

I like your essay a lot. It tells your story pretty uniquely. But you could make it better by elaborating a bit more on how you changed after the trip. You mention that your causes for studying changed, which is pretty good, but try to include other things too. How did your perspective of day-to-day life change? What things did you start doing differently other than studying?

But that's just my opinion, the essay is still pretty good as it is.

Look at my commonapp essay if you can. Thanks a lot!
karan11295   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "simple living, high thinking" - UC Promt # 1 [8]

Tusin punjab to hon? Punjabi aundi aa? Mai Ludhiane da haan? And I still live in Ludhiana.
I liked the story you told with your essay but I think you should focus on one part of your life rather than just write a summary. You could write about the hardships you had in Punjab and how you and your family overcame them and immigrated to USA. Just concentrate on that part without digressing. Also when you do write it, show it to your English teacher. She could help you with the grammar. Good luck.
karan11295   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / I am a cliche [9]

I am a cliché. A walking, talking, eating, breathing, sleeping cliché. I love maths and physics and I am from India. That makes me the cookie cutter Asian. I am scrawny, bespectacled and obsessed with numbers. You see tons of people like me every day. Yet you still bother to read my application, Bravo. Like everyone else, I want to set myself apart from the gray wall of applications. But how will I do it? By writing an essay. An essay that shows you that there are new people, even nerdy Indians, worth meeting. But what shall I write to make you believe in me? I have pondered this question for long. And after a tumultuous battle in my mind, I have reached an answer. I'll let you decide. I am a misshapen blob of clay waiting to be moulded. We are going to embark on a 4 year long session of pottery, me and you. You'll shape me and my ideas and I'll question and debate your decisions at every step. For I am no ordinary clay. I have been shaped and unshaped a lot of times, over the last 16 years turning me into a new blob every day. I retain resistance somewhere yet I flow like water somewhere too. Memories and experiences ingrain themselves into every grain of the clay, into my soul. With every spin of the wheel, with your each touch, I'll change bit by bit. But not always according to you, because I am no ordinary clay. I'll respond back. The clay shall talk to the hand. The pot shall emerge. And that day, then and there I shall say," I am no ordinary pot". Though far and long, we shall wither the journey together. For we are potter and clay, the unbreakable bond.
karan11295   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / I am a cliche [9]

Topic of my choice for the commonapp. I am deciding between this and my other one which I like more. Thanks a lot though. Also read the other one if you can. Its down below.
karan11295   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / I am a cliche [9]

Thanks aripeter for the correction and thanks everyone for the suggestions. I'll remove the 'bravo'. But could you compare it to my other essay? I want to decide and I likeit more. But your comments have made me think again. So try to look at it if you can. Thanks a lot
karan11295   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Each adventure brought a new strength; The journey to who I am. [3]

If it's a why PSU essay, be a little specific about the programs/faculty at PSU and try to relate it to your travels. Does PSU have a study abroad program? If yes, mention it. Don't let them think that you wrote the essay with blanks for the college names and sent it to all the places. Your essay can easily have some other college's name instead of PSU and that doesn't seem right.

But I love your story about the different cultures. Respect for travelling so much of the world before 18 which is awesome. Good luck

Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳