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Posts by tehfunkicookie
Joined: Dec 3, 2011
Last Post: May 7, 2012
Threads: 19
Posts: 50  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 69 / page 1 of 2
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tehfunkicookie   
Dec 3, 2011
Undergraduate / 'there must be deeper truths' - Harvey Mudd Engineering [2]

A lot of people tell me that there are too many facts in here so I kept revising it. Here is what I have so far:

The prompt is :
2. Describe an experience that sparked your interest in mathematics, science or engineering. Word count is less than 1000 words so thats good. So please be as harsh and critical as you want! I really want to get into this college!!

I just want to say one thing: I'm not a freak for engineering, but I am definitely interested in it.

What most impresses me about this disciplinary subject? Complexity and harmony. The very fact that some truths and intricate fields of study that are completely dissimilar can merge together and form one complete and coherent area of study.

During the 7th grade, I had attended an Introduction to Engineering class at CTY that unlocked the hidden erupting interest I had in engineering. Over the course of the summer, Mr. Thompson, my professor, provided us with unique engineering projects that allowed us to get real hands on experience. One of these projects that initiated my interests was constructing the Elevated Bridge. Given unlimited supply of balsa wood and glue, he told us to build any type of bridge we wanted that could hold 10kg of sand. I thought it was going to be a simple project; eager, I used my unique ideas and constructed my bridge that looked authentically appealing but not intensely strong. When I went out to go test my bridge, my bridge only held 5kg of sand. It caught my attention when one of my classmate's bridge, which was much simpler and lighter, held 9kg of sand. Jealous and confused, I kept comparing my bridge with hers. I knew something had to be wrong because my bridge was more sturdy and well built while hers looked light and fragile; however, after learning about Young Modulus and structural mechanics, not only was I more interested and curios in engineering, but I was completely astonished at my disbelief.

When I went back inside the classroom, Mr. Thompson had asked us a question which I had been pondering about:

"I noticed most of your bridges were extremely heavy. I bet half of you were thinking that the heavier or more built your bridge is, the more sand your bridge could hold right?"

I was startled; everybody raised their hands.
Thus, it was of no surprise, when he started to lecture us about Young Modulus and Newton's Laws that answered my never ending questions about my bridge. I began to learn that it wasn't just the arbitrary connection of balsa wood that helped my bridge carry so much weight, but it was because my bridge had a low stress point explained by Young Modulus's. Through various calculations using the equation of stress F/A=Y (change length/ initial Length), I identified the slope and point at which my bridge broke. My interests kept increasing exponentially because I was astonished about how such calculations and proof can answer something that I couldn't believe with my very eyes. I felt surges of excitement run through my whole body. Although he finished, I wanted to learn more. Trying to fulfill my craving, the teacher taught us a little of structural mechanics. Combining what I had just learned with structural mechanics, I figured out that the point on the Young Modulus graph was defined as when my bridge would deform or reach its maximum stress level. Furthermore, there were some other topics like compression that I could not fully comprehend and apply, but knowing that there was much more explaining to do to fully comprehend the concept continued to ignite my interest. As weeks passed by, I continued to do more projects and cover more topics of physics and chemistry that would eventually fully bring about my passion and yearning to study engineering.

From obtaining intricate and profound knowledge to developing beginning skills in the art of building, I was left profound impression on engineering. The individual engineering projects that gave me an opportunity to apply my ideas in designing and building models gave me real hands-on experience that furthered my interests. When Professor Thompson had told me that there was a lot more to building then what I learned, I was excited. After finishing the class, I realized that there must be deeper truths that I can acquire in order to fully comprehend the art of building, and its these deeper truths that will continue to spark my interest in studying engineering
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 4, 2011
Undergraduate / I have a Mohawk---commonapp essay for upenn, princeton, amherst, rochester [14]

Hey maroon5! Your essay was very interesting, funny, and personal. The use of your brother's joke and the pebbles combined with the fans made it really great to read.

one point, your last paragraph "I have to speak up and let people hear my voice, however "girly" my singing teacher might have dismissed it as. " - i think there should be a semi colon and I couldn't really get the point of the teacher so i suggest that you can delete that part.

And yeah, I had the same problem with the word limit. I just had to include every single detail in my essay or else it wouldn't flow, but it's ok! You can really cut it down. Your last few paragraphs I know you can cut down! Like for example you can edit out a lot of the questions your dad asks. There are so many questions but I think a few is enough :P. Also, I think you can maybe edit out the second paragraph or combine it with your third paragraph because you're directly addressing your family's issues about your hair in the rest of the essay. I think maybe you can talk about your family being the fans first but then after they switched their perspective of your mohawk.

Maybe build up you're topic sentences a bit more. I know what you're talking about eventually but I think you should address it in the first sentence so what you want the common app people to know what you're talking about is more clear.

Overall, very great essay! You're emotions and thoughts make it very original. Good luck with grading it!!!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 4, 2011
Undergraduate / The "Geek" - Common app Short -Computer Programming [3]

hey ninosage! It's a very great essay, but you don't really answer the prompt. You talk about your science summer camp in one sentence. Maybe if you elaborate it more and then talk about you're own personal growth and passion toward compute programming. You're thoughts and own emotions make this essay very original, but just talk more about the summer camp itself!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 5, 2011
Undergraduate / 'educational foundation and experience' - DUKE engineering [5]

Hey guys! Can you please help me grade my essay? Grade as hard as you want please! =)

Here is the prompt!:

If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke.

Studying engineering will give me the opportunity to implement my innovative and unique ideas in designing and creating mechanical engines and airplane. From structural mechanics to electrotechnology, I desire to study and harvest the essential knowledge in the field of mechanical engineering in order to not only facilitate my goal in applying my engineering ideas to help address the human needs of the future but to also help answers my never ending questions about impossible structures that exist today. The knowledge will allow me to break the limitations and ongoing engineering problems in the designing field and to contribute greatly to the world around me. Also, studying engineering will help develop my leadership and management skills in order to greatly enhance my social abilities to work on a professional level.

Duke will provide me with the excellent educational foundation and experience necessary to succeed and accomplish these goals. From study abroad programs to unique engineering projects, studying at Duke will grant me opportunities to explore and view engineering on multiple levels. Pratt's courses and high level faculty will allow me to interact with professors and students with similar minds and thoughts and aid me in broadening my background knowledge in engineering as well. I am very determined to follow the school that will provide for me the necessary skills and education needed in order to successfully become a mechanical engineer. Even if it means boldly applying to a prestigious and competitive school, I am very committed to do so.

Please help!!!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 6, 2011
Undergraduate / 'as undeclared' - University of Illinois Transfer Essay [2]

hi mreese92. The purpose of many of these college essays, whether it would be for ungrad, grad, or transfer, is for the university to get to know you more. You probably heard that phrase 1000 times but you might have to do a little research on the college and how it relates to your desires, goals, hobbies,etc... For example, i'm applying to Duke and Michigan Ann Arbour. Duke has multiple study abroad programs like Shanska that would really help me develop my airplane design skills. Although Shanska isn't a airplane company, its the most prestigious and recommended by students at Duke. With Michigan Ann Arbour, there are multiple research opportunities to work in astro labs or airplane companies/industries. How i link my hobbies and desires with the school's curriculum and opportunities for real hand on experience makes my essay more personal. (WHICH IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!) So make sure you look at Illinois offers you! Make it sound professional so that they know you're ready to work and think on an advanced level. Mention specific ones or explain a little bit on how that program or this class will help you succeed in your goals or in the future. Put your thoughts and emotions in this essay to make it sound more unique because there are 100000000 generic answers about succeeding in life or wanting more education. Thats all i have to say! Good luck!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 7, 2011
Undergraduate / 'majoring in computers or any other type of engineering'-How did you learn about NJIT [4]

Hey Kevin! I'm going to be harsh a little bit but there's more interesting stuff to read (:

I'll tell you that straight off the bat. You're essay is very long and time consuming to read. It's wordy and some of what you say doesn't directly answer the prompt. You can cut down on your interests and childhood passions. What the admissions people want to read is a smooth and quick one to two paragraph about the prompt (i don't know the word count or limit, so if i'm wrong, please forgive me!). Maybe you can include one interest and childhood passion and how that relates to the school. Maybe a study abroad program or their rigorous cirriculum (what would be even cooler is if you said a class! <--that way they know you're interested in their school).

You are basically repeating in the first paragraph your topic sentence and your last sentence. "Engineering requires more than just being intelligent in complex subjects..."<--- People already know that. That doesn't really answer the prompt.

You're opening paragraph can just start off with you meeting the person. Makes it more direct to the reader. You can include what you heard about NJIT. This will also make them more interested in you and how well you know or are interested in the school.

ON THE GOOD SIDE (: you're personal interests and childhood experience (interests) and the way you write your thoughts make this essay very more original (which is what college application advisers or whatever they are ARE LOOKING FOR!). I would highly suggest you include it in there but not too much! Like what i said earlier, cut it down, there is some awkward wording too.

But overall, you did answer the prompt. Some parts of your essay you didn't, but overall, you have a good start. You just have to make your ideas and thoughts more coherent. ]

Remember, this is you're essay. You don't have to follow what I say. I"m just suggesting because this is how you want to write it!

Good luck!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 7, 2011
Undergraduate / 'health questions' - Rice Supplement Essay [3]

Hey Arianna! I don't know if you're response is below or above 200 words, but it looks like its below. It's a very great essay and I think maroon5 took my correction. But the information you have on Rice shows you have a lot of knowledge and understanding of the school. I don't know but the "to Peru, like Owl Danielle Axelson." sounds kind of awkward. maybe you can take out the comma but I don't know. whatever suits you! Overall, everything was interesting to read! Good luck in getting into Rice!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 7, 2011
Graduate / 'technical solutions to mankind's needs' SOP for MS in Mechanical Engineering [3]

Hey Sanyam! You're essay sounds really professional and great! But it's EXTREMELY wordy. Although the word limit is 1000, I might suggest you cut it down a bit.

You repeat Mechanical Engineering way too much. Maybe substitute other pronouns or another term.

Some few errors:

in paragraph 1, "I want to develop newer, more feasible solutions to existing problems and enabling (i think it should be enable) these solutions"

"Design and Manufacturing" - shouldn't it be all lowercase?
"practicality thereby enabling me to fulfil my goals" - run on

in paragraph 3, first sentence, don't you mean "I had benefited..."

I'm assuming every other paragraph with massive amounts of facts are correctly spelled.

But overall, very intelligent essay. Although I don't know what the prompt is talking about or what it is, it sounds great!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / My development as a writer for an intro to my final English portfolio [2]

Hey Christian! Very interesting essay. I loved reading it, but it took some time to get through the second paragraph. I don't know if there is actually a word length limit or restriction but your emotions and thoughts that you put into your essay makes it sound very personal. Your conclusion helps end that, but I think maybe if you talked about your portfolio more, it'll make your essay a lot stronger because all you talked about was how you demonstrate your growth through the portfolio. There isn't really a strong depiction of what this portfolio is.

You can definitely cut down on the third paragraph because it'll be easier to read the essay. It'll be more soothing. I think maybe you can probably cut down a bit on the last few paragraphs, but it's your decision =).

Good luck!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 7, 2011
Undergraduate / 'educational foundation and experience' - DUKE engineering [5]

Hey Susan. Thanks for the tips. But i'm trying to think of how to write it personally. I like building airplanes and I already have my own ideas of an airplane. I just don't have like the professional knowledge to actually put my ideas into this essay! =(
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 8, 2011
Undergraduate / 'educational foundation and experience' - DUKE engineering [5]

Hey, I rewrote it. I thought it through with some help. I hope its a lot better. I tried to include my high school experiences and personal thoughts.

Whether it'd be building Lego figures or bottled rockets, assembling models or objects has always interested me. Ever since I was a kid, gazing at colossal skyscrapers or outrageous styled cubic buildings greatly amazed me. I kept pondering about how people could construct such eye-catching and complex creations. As I entered high school, my interests further expanded when I took Physics and Chemistry classes that answered my never ending questions about these buildings. Participating in the Egg-O-Naut (bottled rocket) event in Science Olympiad and learning about structural mechanics and stress gradually built up my erupting curiosity in engineering.

I realize that studying engineering will give me the opportunity to implement my innovative and unique ideas in designing ground-breaking mechanical engines that would help revolutionize the dynamic world. From forming a device to increase transpiration in Biology HL to constructing something that would help power a light bulb in Chemistry SL, I am able to submerge myself in the numerous ideas I have. Furthermore, I can open new doors to new ideas or possibilities for change. I want to take my love for building and invest it in studying mechanical engineering in order to become a professional mechanical engineer for Boeing. By gaining the necessary knowledge and skills, I can help create engines or designs for airplanes that will greatly contribute to the people around me.

Pratt will be the catalyst that will initiate my engineering goals and the provider that will offer me the excellent educational foundation and experience necessary to succeed. The rigorous and challenging curriculum that Pratt presents will force me to think on a more higher academic level and allow me to explore the different frontiers of engineering. The small size and high level faculty will offer me many advantages in gaining maximum exposure to exceptional programs. With the Duke List and the Skanska summer study abroad program, Pratt will provide me with many opportunities to gain real hands on experience and direct interaction with intensive engineering projects. With the close community that Pratt has, I can work closely with many students, seek my own unique talents, and flourish both personally and intellectually.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 8, 2011
Undergraduate / An airplane idea that could revolutionize the world. Duke essay =) [4]

Please help critique my essay! Be as hard as you like! i only have 2 more days so i really need some help D:

PROMPT:
If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke.

Whether it'd be building Lego figures or bottled rockets, assembling models or objects has always interested me. Ever since I was a kid, gazing at colossal skyscrapers or outrageous styled cubic buildings greatly amazed me. I kept pondering about how people could construct such eye-catching and complex creations. As I entered high school, my interests further expanded when I took Physics and Chemistry classes that answered my never ending questions about these buildings. Participating in the Egg-O-Naut (bottled rocket) event in Science Olympiad and learning about structural mechanics and stress gradually built up my erupting curiosity in engineering.

I realize that studying engineering will give me the opportunity to implement my innovative and unique ideas in designing ground-breaking mechanical engines that would help revolutionize the dynamic world. From forming a device to increase transpiration in Biology HL to constructing something that would help power a light bulb in Chemistry SL, I am able to submerge myself in the numerous ideas I have. Furthermore, I can open new doors to new ideas or possibilities for change. I want to take my love for building and invest it in studying mechanical engineering in order to become a professional mechanical engineer for Boeing. By gaining the necessary knowledge and skills, I can help create engines or designs for airplanes that will greatly contribute to the people around me.

Pratt will be the catalyst that will initiate my engineering goals and the provider that will offer me the excellent educational foundation and experience necessary to succeed. The rigorous and challenging curriculum that Pratt presents will force me to think on a more higher academic level and allow me to explore the different frontiers of engineering. The small size and high level faculty will offer me many advantages in gaining maximum exposure to exceptional programs. With the Duke List and the Skanska summer study abroad program, Pratt will provide me with many opportunities to gain real hands on experience and direct interaction with intensive engineering projects. With the close community that Pratt has, I can work closely with many students, seek my own unique talents, and flourish both personally and intellectually.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 8, 2011
Undergraduate / An airplane idea that could revolutionize the world. Duke essay =) [4]

@ARness
Thanks for the tips! I really am still working on it and I will definitely include what you said. It's really hard tot put what I want into three paragraphs. I had to cut a lot so I'll try to instill that research and passion for mechanical engineering! Thank you a lot for the tips!

@Susan
=) THanks!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a tradition of helping people with cognitive disabilities' -U Wisconsin Statement #1 [4]

repetition in paragraph one with cognitive disabilities

third sentence with the leading six preteens sounds awkward. maybe reword it

I learned that acting like a child is not always bad, that playing in a sandbox <--- sounds like a run on

your second and third sentence in your last paragraph repeat in the beginning with "I learned". Maybe you can change one of the beginnings. (I prefer the second one like Acting like a child isn't that...)

I just had those minor changes. After reading it, it does answer the prompt. It was really interesting on how you took something so generic (helping people) and making it into your own story. Every experience and own personal thought that you put into it makes it very original.

One thing I wanted to point out is that you expand on your experience way too much. You only have one sentence that answers the question. I suggest you maybe look at the school's website and looking at student life or maybe even the city around them. Since you said you were given, from your family, the chance to help people with cognitive disabilities, look at maybe the community service organizations. Expand more on the your answer to the question instead of just having one sentence. It'll make your essay A LOT stronger.

If there is a word limit, then cut down on the experience and expand on your answer to the question.

Have fun and good luck!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 11, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Harvey Mudd will be the catalyst' - my experience with engineering [2]

I don't know if I answered the prompt, but I hope it's good. Please grade it because I dont have much time. The deadline is coming close!!! D: . Be as hard as you want =).

PROMPT:
What influenced you to apply to Harvey Mudd College? What about the HMC curriculum and community appeals to you? (500 word limit)

What influenced me to apply to Harvey Mudd was HMC's unity. Although it is simple to create a tight community within a small liberal arts college, the school is able to bring about, define, and exemplify what unity is through its ongoing traditions and unique student life. From incessant screaming before finals to Puddle Jumping in every fountain, Mudders are able to participate together and have fun at dorm parties or school events. With over 100 student organizations, Mudders and professors help combine the high cultural and racial diversity to create one uniform community. Being like a family, everyone can work with and help each other seek their own unique talents while working individually on unique projects. While passing through Harvey Mudd, the question isn't "Hey, will I see you again?", but it's "Hey, when am I going to bump into you again today?". With this, I believe that Harvey Mudd's style of community would help me flourish both personally and intellectually and allow me discover my own potential in working with others.

Harvey Mudd will be the catalyst that will initiate my engineering goals and the provider that will offer me the excellent educational foundation and experience necessary to succeed. From the Engineering Sciences to the sequence of system courses, the rigorous and challenging curriculum that HMC presents will force me to think at a higher academic level and allow me to explore the different frontiers of engineering. From internal combustion engines that can power aircrafts to deriving hydrogen ions from water to propel vehicles, I can gain the technical knowledge that will help me implement my innovative and unique ideas in designing ground-breaking mechanical engines that would help revolutionize the dynamic world. Furthermore, the small and well equipped faculty will offer me many advantages in gaining maximum exposure to exceptional programs. With the Clinical program and multiple internships, HMC will develop my love for research and provide me with many opportunities to gain real hands on experience and direct interaction with intensive engineering projects.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 12, 2011
Grammar, Usage / Have vs has? [4]

has is singular and have is plural.
ANYONE, EVERYONE, SOMEONE <--- those are all singular. So it is has anyone told you.

The same concept is with was/were
both of these are in the past tense and was is singular while were is plural.

example
The apples were green vs Everyone was waiting outside.

APPLES is plural. Everyone is singular. so were is used for the apples and was is used to everyone.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'they depended solely on God and prayed to Him daily' - Topic of Choice [2]

Remember whenever you say something and have quote around them, start a new paragraph right after.

but I can't ever forget this age-old position. "Thank you for letting me grow," I murmured <--so have a new paragraph for this

"Please protect my family!" I would conclude passionately. <---new paragraph

I remembered back when I was a meek girl devoted to God, spending every Saturday in this room (comma after God) and desperately trying...

I think this is a very personal and winning essay. Like what Susan said, it was powerful. I think it's one of the most original essays I have read so far on this website! Just a few grammar errors and runs ons but everything else is great! With the mop and getting on the floor, what this essay said to me was that you're a humble and very passionate and blunt (in a good way, very direct :P) person. I mean i don't know you that well but yeah :p
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'sustainability and educating the next generation' - NYU supplement [3]

First of all, I would like to say GL in getting in =)

Although I am not a very green person, this is a wonderful essay. Of all the essays about NYU that I have read, this is the first one I have seen that talks about the "green" aspect of NYU. It's a very professional and original essay. The fact that you included specific programs shows that you did deep research about the school. Also, you're own voice in trying to be green makes the essay a lot more stronger and personal.

Good Job!

=)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my religious affiliations' - University of Michigan Ann Arbour [3]

Hey! This is one of the essays that UoM had on their supplements. Please help me grade because I don't know if I answered the prompt! D:

PROMPT:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

Although I never like to define myself by my income or race, my religious affiliations have always been a large part of who I am. Spending a majority of my life at church, it has always been a second home and family to which I belong to. My brothers and sisters in Christ have always guided me in my spiritual walk and provided me with a support network. Similarly, I would ask for others if they needed prayers. Going to church every week is culturally mandated. Meeting every Friday and Sunday, we would always preach, learn, and teach each other about the Bible. After sermons, we would play basketball or help prepare and organize snacks for the next week's meeting. It is always comforting to know that whenever I walk into church, there is always someone there to gladly accept me for who I was and to care about my well being.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Soccer is more than that' - Common App Extracurricular [4]

Hey erndawg! When I read your essay, I think its kind of generic. If you put in some like personal experiences of your own thoughts into the soccer sport itself, I think It'd be a better essay. I think if you wrote more of the "another world and forgetting your struggles", it'd be a lot better. But overall, I think it is a very good essay. Just make it more personal!

And change your last sentence : the "Soccer? Definitely more than just a game". It doesn't really add flavor or conclude your essay.

Thanks!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / How can emotions affect our understanding and our living? Columbia Essay! [3]

Hey guys! I'm about to turn in columbia essays. Please help me read them and grade them!! Please be as hard as you like =) There are two prompts!

PROMPT 1:
Please tell us what you found meaningful about one of the above mentioned books, publications or cultural events.

Some of the things that we claim to know strike us as intuitively obvious or are based on our gut feelings. The trouble for many of us is that what is intuitively obvious may through gut feeling may be entirely false. Something I learned meaningful out of The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat is that although emotion is bias in shaping people's judgment and perception on certain things, emotion is a crucial keystone in obtaining knowledge. I've relied mostly on language and reason by reading textbooks or other reliable sources in order to gain knowledge because I knew that if I relied on my emotion, I would encounter massive problems of bias in attaining knowledge. I was afraid that I would be misled throughout my middle and high school years by entirely false knowledge; however, through the doctor, the main character that investigates 24 patients, he discovers and proves to me that emotion is nonetheless important. Although I am cautious about applying my emotions during certain events, I have changed my standpoint on emotions and its capabilities.

PROMPT II:
Please tell us what academic class has been your favorite and why.

It's the class that wakes me up 7:00 in the morning, that serves as the queen and servant of the sciences, and that takes ambiguity to another and more complex level: IB Math HL. To me, math provides the foundation for deep insight because it's the class where I get the chance to discover relationships between certain subjects or theories. I can not only harvest knowledge in the interdisciplinary fields of mathematics but also in other subjects. Every time I enter the class, I feel like I'm in a whole new world. In addition, IB Math HL is where I get to discover my own capacity and potential in learning a multifaceted subject. Although many people find math uninteresting because of its complex topics and tedious proofs, I find math to be challenging, beautiful, and useful. Being able to solve math question that help demonstrate other amazing scientific theories in other subject areas is pure happiness. Learning the fundamentals and being able to apply math into other areas of knowledge such as the sciences or art continues to fascinate me to no end.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 17, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'People visit museums for many reasons' - visiting museums during travel [6]

Hey Soroushx2x!

I think your essay is kind of repetitive.

Personally for me, I don't like it when people tell the reader, "Please let explain" or "I will do this...". I think the reader already knows what you are going to talk about, but it's your choice on whether or not to edit out the Let me give you some reasons to support my idea.

You can combine sentences like in the first paragraph: People visit museums for many reasons: Some of them are really interested in museums and history. Some of them just look at museums as a place for passing their times. And some other people visit museums because it is the best place which you can have most enjoyment with less problems with the speaking in the current language of that strange place. you can add comas and colons to make it a list of reasons. you repeat some so many times its tedious to read.

Small grammar errors:
N ot only historians (should be a lower case n)
RUN ON: A place for knowing more about history of a special thing or heritage of a particular age and epoch or background of a specific region.

So museum would be a good (add an "a" in between so and museum
make, because actually (you don't need the comma)

there are other grammar errors within this essay. I think you need to take more time and think about what to write.

Sorry for being really harsh!!! But I think you're able to make it into a better essay.

Thanks =)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the intricateness of computer hardware' - Why Carnegie Essay [3]

I feel that the beginning sentence in bold should be placed somewhere else.

Comma after case I was shocked
lowercase the "t" in There were lights flickering
Run on in "There were lights flickering indicating hard drive activity" (maybe you can say there were lights flickering to indicate hard drive activity <--(this helps the parallel flow of the sentence)

There were lights flickering indicating hard drive activity, fans spinning to blow heat away, and whirring from old parts scraping against metal (take away the comma after drive activity and from away, and whirring)

from the monstrous grey behemoths people used to call computers, to the midsized desktop computers that offered incredible power at an affordable prize, to the net-book that dwarfed in size to other computers . <--when you say from..to... you can only list 2 objects. maybe take out the middle object and just include the first object and the last object.

your third paragraph. make sure you stay consistent with "I". take out your "one's" after would broaden one's perspectives

you have a lot of run-ons. Also, your essay is kind of hard to read. I think if you corrected those and made your essay a little bit more concise, I think it would be a great essay.

=)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Soccer is more than that' - Common App Extracurricular [4]

I am to work with both the younger guys - it sounds awkward. maybe delete the "am to" and just say I work with both the younger...

I think it is a lot better than your first one. I don't know what the word limit is, but maybe if you can talk about an experience, that would greatly improve your essay! But overall, it's better than you first I think =)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my father's death' - a person who has had a significant influence [3]

Change all your semi colons into commas because I don't think it's grammatically correct to do that, but if it is, then you can leave it =)

Overall, I think it's an excellent and well written essay. The way you wrote it by incorporating your own personal thoughts and emotions while making this generic "learning mistakes" topic into a real original essay make it really interesting to read. Your topic sentences are very well built and written, making the paragraphs very direct and coherent when people read it.

I don't really see any changes besides the one I made.

=)! Good luck!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'giving international aid to poor countries' - IELTS [5]

I think it's a reasonable essay. I suggest you think it over a bit and rewrite the whole thing (but with the same reasons) because to me, it seems like you just came up with reasons, wrote it down, and concluded your essay. Your conclusion is horrendous because not only does it give a one sentence answer (which makes your standpoint very weak) but also lacks the appropriate writing techniques. Generally, when they ask you disadvantage or advantage, you usually sum it up in 2 paragraphs or more.

But in your essay, you barely have a paragraph written for each of your reasons.
Your reasons are good, but your overall essay is not as well as it could be.
Good Luck!
Sorry for being very harsh, but i'm trying to help =)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / The most disgraceful program becomes the epitome of my responsibilities BROWN ESSAY!! [3]

This is my brown essay! I am within the character count, but please help me critique!! Be as hard as you like

PROMPT:
Sculptor Jacques Lipchitz once said, "Cubism is like standing at a certain point on a mountain and looking around. If you go higher, things will look different; if you go lower, again they will look different. It is a point of view." With this in mind, describe a moment when your perspective changed. Max: 2000 characters

Before joining the International Baccalaureate (IB) program, many students and told me that it was a waste of time. They explained that the curriculum was the same as AP except with more work. Being exposed to these dogmatic opinions, I soon inherited the same negative view as well. With the extended essay and required community service, I thought the IB program was pointless and just another academic force that would give me stress. However, being the challenging person I was, I decided to join during the fall of sophomore year.

During junior year, I continued to view IB with the same pessimistic attitude as I did my sophomore year. I realized that what everyone warned me about was true: I was barraged with overwhelming research papers and demands from the teachers. I spent more time poring over textbooks than hanging out with my friends. My negative view of IB and stress level began to reach their apex; however, it was during first semester finals that my perspective changed. During finals, my Biology and English HL teachers decided to cram me with two projects along with the final exams. At first, I thought that I was going to fail because I knew that I wouldn't have enough time to study and do the projects because of my horrible procrastination habits; however, after going through 2 months of discipline and developing time management skills, I was able to form a formidable schedule in which I would be able to rest, study, and finish both projects. When finals day came, I finished both the two exams with ease and came home with a report card with 5 A's and 1 B.

Looking back at how successful I was, I now see the IB program as a supportive program that enhanced my management skills and adapt to a high academic and stimulating environment. By pushing me to my limits, IB has drastically allowed me to seek my own potential and academic capabilities. As an IB senior, I continue to carry on the positive view of IB and inform others of why it's a great program.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 19, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Beauty' - Stanford What matters to you [4]

Hey cupnoodle123! I think it's a very enjoyable and fantastic essay to read. Your own thoughts and feelings about beauty and how you justify yourself as "out of the game" makes it really personal and original.

I just have a few minor corrections:
I saw that many pretty people at school did not say or do pretty things, and were not pretty to be around. I saw starlets on television and magazine ads whose familiar gorgeous faces only reminded me of their obnoxious, crude, or proud characters. . I think you can combine those two sentences because they start with "i saw". or try and make the beginning of the second sentence different than "I saw". because it seems kind of repetitive to repeat them.

pursue beauty, genuine beauty, just put genuine beauty.

Good luck

=)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 19, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Computer as the greatest source of inormation' - MIT Pleasure Essay [6]

Unless I'm wrong, I'm assuming that one of your activities is building a computer? It doesn't seem like an activity for me, but if it is, you do answer the prompt.

I think it's very listy and the list itself is kind of generic. You might want to only list 2 things (maybe one you think is the most personal or fun one) and then talk more about why you built the computer. What pleasure came out of it besides for entertainment. Do you have an interest in engineering that made you build the computer. WHat was the fun in building the ocmputer? What are its contents.

Maybe put more emotion and thoughts into the essay, which would make the essay even better.

I have to say it's very hard to write a 100 word essay of that topic, but I know you can do it =) More editing makes an essay better :D

Good Luck

=)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 19, 2011
Undergraduate / Through the perspective of an engineer. UPENN ESSAY [3]

Hey guys. I don't know if I really answer the question for both of these prompts. You can read one of them or both! but please help me grade them!

PROMPT I:
Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

As I am transitioning into a new and more academically stimulating environment, I've come to develop important ideas regarding what I want to do and learn as a mechanical engineering major. Living in a very dynamic and fast-pacing world where new ideas bring about new and advanced machines and technology, I'm very interested in conducting research relevant to fluid and structural mechanics. I hope to learn and acquire the necessary knowledge such as deformations, stress, and energy particles in those fields to help address the human needs in the future. The knowledge will also enable me to break the limitations and ongoing problems in the designing field and contribute greatly to the world around me. In addition, I hope to learn and develop the required leadership and management skills in order to help enhance my social abilities to work on a professional level as an engineer and continue to help me flourish personally and intellectually. I believe that I will be able effectively execute my responsibilities and greatly influence the less-experienced engineers at UPENN.

I am very determined to follow the school that will provide for me the necessary skills and education needed in order to successfully become a mechanical engineer. Even if it means boldly applying to a prestigious and competitive school, I am very committed to do so. I hope to work with other students to design unique engineering projects and use the skills acquired to contribute to the school's leadership in math and engineering.

PROMPT II:
Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

From building Lego figures to building wooden towers, I perceive the world differently from the average person. I view everything I see as a building block that will contribute to something greater in the near future. From something as simple as a wooden table to something as complex as a skyscraper, everything has a purpose in transforming the innovative world. When one might see a Lego piece as just a child's toy, I see it as a potential piece of novelty that will give rise to new ideas that might revolutionize advanced technology. Just as everything has a foundation, everything will serve as a foundation for new inventions and ground-breaking knowledge that will help pave the road in the future.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / Unity is what brings about knowledge and a second home UPENN ESSAY [3]

HEY GUYS!! I need help on my UPENN essay! I'm turning it in very soon, and i need some opinions of it. Please be as hard as you like =)

PROMPT:
Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)

One of the unique attributes that attracted me to apply to UPENN was its unity. Although it is very hard to create a close community within a large private university, UPENN is able to bring about, define, and exemplify what unity is through its ongoing traditions, unique student life, and intense passion for learning. From Toast throwing to Econ Scream, students are able to participate and work together to not only learn but to also have fun. Being like a very large and diverse family, everyone can work with each other and seek their own unique talents while working individually on unique projects. While walking down Locust Walk, the question isn't " Hey, will I see you again?", but it's "Hey, when am I going to bump into you again today before I go to class?".

With this, what I hope to learn is to be able to work with others on a more professional level and to develop my own social and leadership abilities. Because of the close relationships not only between professors and students but within students themselves, I can practice and gain real experience while having fun in working on difficult group projects. The communication skills and experience I harvest will not only benefit me when working on multiple unique engineering projects but also allow me to flourish personally and intellectually. Furthermore, with interesting Cloak Devising and Fuel cell engineering research that UPENN offers, I will be able to gain the hands on experience necessary in order for me to excel in engineering and define UPENN's goal of "true learning".

From the skills and knowledge that I develop from UPENN's unity, I can effectively execute my responsibilities and greatly influence the less-experienced engineers at UPENN. Furthermore, I hope to design and contribute my unique engineering ideas and engines to contribute to the school's leadership in math and engineering.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'raised in a single parent home' - Stanford- Intellectual development [8]

All i have to say is WOW. This is truly, in my opinion, one of the most personal, and most interesting and enjoyable essays I have read. I think family is one of the most generic topics that people use, but you make it really interesting =)

However, I think your "brother" isn't really an experience. Maybe if you said, your "competitions with your brother" as an experience that initiated your intellectual development would answer the prompt more directly.

Just one correction here:

giant vat of radioactive waste to disintegrate the bond <--- the wording there is kind of awkward when I read it. The idea you have is great, but I think in the beginning of an essay, starting out with this kind of vocabulary is , I think, kind of awkward. Maybe just using another word or just going simple with It would take time to break the bond or something.

=) Good luck and good job!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 23, 2011
Scholarship / Bigger car engines? Nah, how about water engines? Cornell Essay! [3]

Hey guys. I need some help on this essay! Please help me read it and grade it! Please be as hard as you like =)

PROMPT:
Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.

Imagine a car that has every part it needs for it to drive. But here's the catch: instead of having a regular car engine to power your car, you will derive hydrogen ions from water to power your car. Technology is constantly evolving in the dynamic world today; however, there are some limitations to them. These limitations require people to come up with new solutions so that technology can be used as its maximum potential. As a result, I want to study engineering in order to eliminate these limitations. I want to take my interest in math and science and invest them in engineering to creating advanced and efficient cars.

Our cars need some way to stop emitting carbon dioxide or some way to drive farther without having to constantly stop at a gas station. Maybe I can just create a larger fuel engine and transmissions so that the car can hold more gas to use; however, that'll just call for larger and more expensive cars. I can derive hydrogen ions from water and transform it into electrical power to help propel cars. The oxygen could also be used to attach to other hydrogen ions left over, which would help continually supply the car with water to use Not only would this save lots of money for gas but also drastically lower the amount of carbon dioxide emitted from cars. You can also refill your car with water anywhere you are or go. Although this might seem like an imaginary or impossible idea to others, but as an engineer, impossible means nothing to me. I want to take my interest for engineering to new heights and invest my imagination and knowledge into new innovative ideas, but before I can do this, I believe that Cornell is the place to start.

Cornell will be the catalyst that will initiate my engineering goals and the provider that will offer me the excellent educational foundation and experience necessary to succeed. From the Engineering Sciences to the sequence of system courses, the rigorous and challenging curriculum that the school presents will force me to think at a higher academic level and allow me to explore the different frontiers of engineering. From internal combustion engines that can power aircrafts to the idea I presented above, I can gain the technical knowledge that will help me implement my innovative and unique ideas in designing ground-breaking mechanical engines that would help revolutionize the dynamic world. Furthermore, the small and well equipped faculty will offer me many advantages in gaining maximum exposure to exceptional programs. With unique study abroad programs in Rome and research projects, Cornell will develop my love for research and provide me with many opportunities to gain real hands on experience and direct interaction with these intensive engineering projects.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 23, 2011
Scholarship / 'different answers to the career interest' - Why Swarthmore essay [7]

Hey watermark!

I think your essay is great! The ideas you have are kind of generic but the fact that you included information about the college and how you back up your ideas with additional experiences makes your essay great and great to read!

Just one note, you repeat Swarthmore a few times in the beginning. It's not a really biggy but maybe you can say "The School will provide me..." in the 5th sentence =). I just don't like repetitions and stuff in my opinion.

Good luck and good job =)!
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / MIT Short: (Rubik's Cubes) - Something you do for the pleasure of it [9]

Hey nkprasad12!

I think it's a great essay. Yeah I had a lot of trouble doing essays as short as 100 words. Good thing i didn't sign up for MIT ^^

but overall, I think it's great. The first few sentences makes this really fun to read. I don't know if you hit the world limit or not, but I don't think it needs any grading. couldnt' find any grammar errors besides the time. should it be a colon instead of a period? unless you wanna put 12.00s. yeah thats it

Yeah. Good job!

=)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / MENTOS AND COKE? CHILDHOOD STORIES :D Cornell Secondary Essay [4]

Hey guys. I realized that there was another essay for Cornell. I really like blowing up Diet Coke bottles so I decided to write this essay about Diet Coke reactions. I don't know if I answered the prompt but please comment and grade as hard as you like (:

I kind of went over the world limit so if there is any specifics that I can cut down, please do tell me =) (I'm about 30 words over)

PROMPT:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

BOOM! Diet Coke soda bursting out and shooting sky high after I dropped some Fruit Mentos in the bottle. Excited, I decided to empty out the whole pack I had into the bottle. After about a few minutes of BOOMs! and ZZZZZs!, all I was left with was an empty Diet Coke bottle. At the age of 7, my interests in Chemistry began.

After doing several of these small experiments, I yearned to learn more about these Chemistry. I kept pondering about how such a small round candy could trigger such a massive explosion inside a large drinking bottle. As I transitioned into middle school, I began to realize the basics behind these reactions. Just barely scratching the surface about the mechanics behind chemical reactions, I learned that whenever two reactants reacted, a product would form. Also, I understood that chemical bonds were broken when the Fruit Mentos reacted with the Diet Coke Soda. I was extremely excited when I did more experiments that had BOOMs! and smoke; however, when the teacher told me that there was a lot more to reactions than just two objects mixing together, I knew there were deeper truths I could acquire in order to comprehend the Fruit Mentos and Diet Coke reaction.

As I moved into high school, I began to understand not only more about Chemistry but also the explanations behind my Fruit Mentos and Diet Coke reaction. After taking Chemistry Honors and IB Chemistry SL, I learned that when the Mentos comes into contact with the Diet Coke, a reaction causes the formation of foam at a rapid rate. The structure of the Mentos is the most significant cause of the eruption due to nucleation. By learning activation energy and the importance of surface area, I also figured out that increasing the surface area of a reaction will increase the rate of a reaction. When I did a reaction with Mint Mentos, there was a bigger explosion. The surface of the mint Mentos was covered with many small holes that drastically increased the surface area, thereby allowing CO2 bubbles to form. Also during the reaction with the Fruit Mentos and Diet Coke, bonds that were broken within the Diet Coke that helped propel the reaction were reformed. To top it off, the teacher said I could calculate morality and an actual amount left over by the reaction if I had exact amounts to start with. Being both astonished and thrilled at what I could with Chemistry, I knew, without a doubt, that I had developed my interest in Chemistry.

I am applying to the College of Arts and Sciences because of this strong craving to learn more about reactions between a variety of chemicals and how they can lead to a variety of products that can be used in a multiple ways such as for medicine. The academic program will be the catalyst that will initiate my engineering goals provide me with the excellent educational foundation and experience necessary to succeed. It will force me to think on a more professional levels and explore the different frontiers of Chemistry. The academic program will allow me to flourish both intellectually and personally and provide a solid foundation for my future studies and research.
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'positive psychology, brain science, and creativity' - Extracurricular Activity Short [3]

Hey musicforleisure!
Sorry if my comments are kind of harsh! =(

Well first, I think it's a very good essay. Your description of the club makes it interesting, but I think if you took out the last two sentences and maybe expanded on he remember receiving the "I've never thought of that before" event (like what happened and your thoughts/emotions), I think that would greatly improve your essay because when I'm reading your last two sentences, it doesn't really conclude your short essay and it's kind of not exciting as the beginning. I mean, thats my opinion.

Good luck!
=)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / reduce words - "Which of your current or previous teachers do you admire" [4]

I think it's a very good essay. The contrast in teachers and your opinions and own personal thoughts/emotions over each one makes this essay really personal, but I think it would be even better if you just omitted the bad teacher because I think when reading your essay, introducing your bad teacher first makes it kind of boring to read. Although I did read your whole essay, I think maybe if you just talked about your good teacher and how he encouraged or enhanced your interests or desire to become a teacher would really improve your essay. Maybe including some contrast like saying, "Unlike my mean or arrogant math teacher, your physic teacher...".

Good luck =)
tehfunkicookie   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / BOOM! A mentos and Diet Coke evolution =) Cornell Essay! [4]

Hey guys! I need some help because i'm turning in my cornell essay soon. I rewrote this essay because other people said it really sucked! So please read and comment on it! Be as harsh as you want!

PROMPT:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

Imagine putting Mentos inside a Diet Coke bottle. What would happen? An enormous amount of CO2 bubbles would build up and force the soda to shoot out of the bottle. Although my teacher couldn't tell me why it happened, I desired to know. From that, what instigated my erupting intellectual interests in Chemistry in elementary school was the opportunity to discover.

After doing several of these small experiments, I yearned to learn more about Chemistry. I kept pondering about how a small round candy could trigger a massive explosion inside a large soda bottle. Just barely scratching the surface about the mechanics behind chemical reactions as I transitioned into middle school, I learned that whenever two objects reacted, chemical bonds were broken to from a product. Like the Mentos and the Diet Coke, I understood that some chemical in the Mentos easily severed the bonds in the Diet Coke; however, when the teacher told me that there was a lot more to reactions than just two objects mixing together, I was excited knew there were deeper truths I could acquire in order to comprehend chemical reactions.

As I moved into high school, my intellectual interests in Chemistry began to develop and expand. After taking Chemistry Honors and IB Chemistry SL, I discovered not only four types of chemical reactions but also the conditions and types of bond associated within the reaction. The complexity and harmony of every topic I acquired gave me a tingling but yet exciting sensation that there was so I could learn. Even though there were some topics like electrochemistry that I did not understand, that added more excitement in that there was more knowledge for me to discover. From being thrilled to learn the nucleation caused by the immense build up CO2 bubbles to comprehension of activation energy, I knew, without a doubt, that I had developed my deep interest in Chemistry.

My deep craving and strong motivation to learn more about chemical reactions and to discover new things through Chemistry led me to apply to the Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences. The academic program will be the catalyst that will initiate my Chemistry research goals and provide me with the excellent educational foundation and experience necessary to succeed. Being able to have constant access to research labs while working on collaborative and unique research projects such as Bacterial and Bacterial Chemotaxis Research will enhance my passion for research and have more opportunities to discover the different frontiers of Chemistry. The small and well equipped faculty will help develop my critical thinking and social skills in learning Chemistry. From the rigorous curriculum that the Cornell provides, I will able to not only view Chemistry on a more professional level but also flourish both intellectually and personally and have a solid foundation for my future studies and research.

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