Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Making large amounts of money or earning a comfortable living ? [4]

Thanks for corrections by contributors, I want to ask you people if we made corrections how to make improvements? As last time I use rubber to rub lot of my errors while writing letter as well as essays during my IELTS exams.

Please, guide me
Thanks in advance
Robin hood

Undergraduate / My older brother made a behemoth impact on my life/ Common App/Significant Influence [3]

Nice work. I like your way of expressing your self!!
Regards
As

Scholarship / Family's attention and children behavior - scholarship essay [8]

I think we can add more. This is intellect topic
In the early ages of child, parents & teachers are mentor as well as father figure for him/her. Whatever they act,preach children follow & imbibe them blindly without knowing the consequences. It is almost sure the way they craft these soft & tender minds it will give permanent impression on them. Few parents want their children to be introvert as well as unexpressive. The reason is they think that they are very matured & experienced to handle this world either through their behavior as well as actions, but they forget their own children are not like that they even are not exposed to understand the crafty nature of whole world. This attitudes of not mingling with society as well as with same age group children make children frustrated that lead to teenage violance.

Most of parents as well as teachers compare one student with other this is very good attitude but even if they succeed they forget to praise them this again leads to inferiority complex in children the ultimate result is violence because they always feel supressed & inferior in order to express they use the weapon of violence.

I think Pipit has poured his/her heart to write this essay
Jenny please check my logic is correct?
Thanks in advance

Writing Feedback / Compare the contributions of artists to society - 'scientist is more important' [3]

"Install, industry revolution dramatically changed our world" Quite confusing sentence
I think we can write it like this :Global industrial revolutions has dramatically changed the world scenario
"Once the company increases their output and produce standardization," Once the modern/high tech machines in a factory produce standardised product along with higher productions & its profitable sales, then the prospect are quite higher to expand the business by several folds.This leads to more job oppurtunities & increase in living standard of people.

Moreover, people enjoy better life due to new science development. The computer replaces abacus for the accountant. Citizens take subway or drive by themselves rather than walking by foots. The most important things is one can enjoy longer life cycle by new medical development. Modern people have longer life because the advanced technology provides better medical services and facilities. For instance, we use vaccine to avoid disease and take medicine to against virus.

[/b ] For instance we use vaccine to avoid deadly disease (for example Polio) & take medicine to cure viral disease. Some people might be argues that art gives people the power and share with other(this is quite ambigous), it make (brings) our society close (closer)together. However, art is not the only way to release pursue and improve social relationship. For example, we watch basketball game in sport's bar or take cooking class with friends. If we develop variety interests, we also could expand our social circle and establish valuable connections with others. ( Art is the imagination of artist which gives harmony/freshness)

[b]In conclusion, taking in to account all those factors, I strongly agree that scientist is more important than society .( I strongly agree that scientist is more important than artist in society.

I am sorry to state that the sentence formation is improper. Your ideas are quite great, I can realise you have tried to put your ideas directly emerging from your enlighten heart.

Thanks

Writing Feedback / Pets should be treated as family members or not? 'pets are also live creatures' [5]

One best example is now a days while walking trained dogs guide elderly & blind people. I agree with jennyflower that thaonguyen1901 has tried to add very constructive ideas which is difficult to sum up in few minutes

Undergraduate / Certainty is what matters. stanford essay. [7]

Jennyflower81 : Please, help all needy people like us.We really want to improve
Regards

Essays / My short, long and personal goals I have. [7]

"The main reason my number one goal is to become a doctor is my mother is in the health field, a nurse." check this sentence.

"This motivated me to want to help others." check this sentence
Every time I get that change to help others, I get check this sentence
When a person helps other they meet their physical and emotion need. check this sentence
Please, be careful while structuring the sentences
Thanks

Writing Feedback / Parents have a greater influence on their children's; "parents training courses" [4]

If you have time & you want to pour your ideas without any grammatical mistakes with full confidence then I don't think it is wrong

Essays / Writing a diagnostic essay -Introducing yourself [6]

If you are confused why don't you ask him again & ask him few examples. After that whatever you think write here I am sure essay forum will help you

Thanks

Undergraduate / My family's conflict and how I was influenced (determination and fairness) [11]

Nice work.
Reagrds
As

Essays / A WRITE UP FROM A HEAD BOY OF THE SCHOOL - how to start? [6]

Hi,
You search in google

Writing Feedback / IBT essay.. What do you do for good health? [4]

I think we can also mention unhealthy body leads to obesity/heart failure/early aging. Realizing these facts lot of companies/government organisation are encouraging to eat healthy food,which shows a excellent awareness in among people from all class. I am so much health cautious to such an extent, before buying any packed/raw food I never forget to read the vitamin/mineral's content/joining of fitness center or gym.

Letters / Appeal for Scholarship Retrieval - how to start writing an appeal letter? [7]

Nuni,
1> Write letter in this way.You are very grateful to them for giving the biggest oppurtunity of your life & how it was going to affect not only you but also your family/community/country as you have big dreams to fulfil.

2> Show your disappointment of missing the oppurtunity
3> Tell them the reasons of not responding the authority
4> If you would be reconsider to what extent you will go & reach the apex
Guys am I correct?
Thanks

Dissertations / Doctoral research topic on knowledge management and sustainable competitive advantage [4]

Pretty3295 thanks for telling us what is your real position. English is our secondary language.To attain higher level & structuring the sentences in understandable manner is little bit difficult for us. It would be of immense help to us if you pay regular visit & guide us in proper way.

Undergraduate / DREXEL VIP application essay- Why I want to major in 'Still Deciding' science [4]

Thanks Kristel Buschan I want to ask you, what is the difference between American english & British english?
What should be my approach in order to face Cambridge university english exams
Thanks

Writing Feedback / IELTS- In some countries people are not taking care of their elderly relatives [8]

can't we say this includes : medical management and promoting regular performance of their daily life activities???

Writing Feedback / IELTS- In some countries people are not taking care of their elderly relatives [8]

& their whose mission is to provide the basic needs of their residents through a 24 hour wellness program.
Here "their" means nursing homes

Writing Feedback / IELTS- In some countries people are not taking care of their elderly relatives [8]

Relatives (there their kith & kins)

Writing Feedback / My visit to a beautiful place (Hyderabad in India) [8]

Stephenie, the sentence formation by you marked in red by me seems to me incorrect.The sentence marked in blue was corrected by me besides that marked sentence.

It will be fine if you read red sentence you will come to know what mistakes you did. I can understand your feelings while writing those sentence but your teacher will never.

Irks means - annoying/irritating
Thanks

Writing Feedback / My visit to a beautiful place (Hyderabad in India) [8]

Comment: #2: Comment: [/b]"Eventhough me & my family do not get quality of time to spend with each other but we enjoy each and every minute we get to it's fullest." this sentence irks me

"We weren't to visit the park but the lazer show instead, but changed our minds because my uncle insisted." this too

"It was only then we came to know about the blast fiasco, which had occured the exact moment when we changed our minds to Lubini Park at the eleventh hour, when we returned back home on a news channel" this too

One more adventure which I had in the same town when I guided my grandpa home. Actually it was a fine morning in Hyderabad, me and my grandfather started for a walk since my grandfather loves to have walks[/b ] this too

[b]It was a indeed a wonderful walk with him as he told me his old stories and experiences. - It is upto you to decide but it can be frame like this : We really enjoyed walking together & meanwhile while walking my grandfather shared his personal experiences & old true stories which can guide us how to live our life in proper manner for example be always a good planner before executing some thing like this...

"it's elevator which is really outstandingly featured 3D view with the whole city being perished in front of your eyes but soon your eyes decieve you when you come out of the tower, as everything's fine as normal" this too

Letters / Appeal for Scholarship Retrieval - how to start writing an appeal letter? [7]

Be courageous Nuni. Enlight your heart, bring your thoughts on paper & post here. It is immaterial whether it is right or wrong.

Essays / A WRITE UP FROM A HEAD BOY OF THE SCHOOL - how to start? [6]

I agree with stephenie. Pal, please self exert your self. It is immaterial whether it is right or wrong.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- In some countries people are not taking care of their elderly relatives [8]

Nice job, It is also related to your profession so, you have lot to say lol.
Good luck

Undergraduate / "edit our profile" essay explaining why you don't wish to complete this assignment [8]

I think you write some thing here for every one to read

Writing Feedback / Creativity can be dangerous when exercised excessively [5]

I am going for IELTS bro. no wahala !!!

Writing Feedback / Creativity can be dangerous when exercised excessively [5]

I forget to add more that is number of Tv channels do organise lot of dancing/singing/real adventure competitions in the name of creativity. Lot of children get engage into these serials for months & lose their interest in building their careers.

Writing Feedback / Creativity can be dangerous when exercised excessively [5]

Hi,
In this essay you bring only present world. I think you should also frame what our ancestors did. Like all 8 wonders of world. so, it is inherited from our ancestors.

Pal, you have any study material to share with me?
Overall grammer/structure was nice
Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Eat at food stand or restaurants. What is your viewpoint? [5]

Thanks Maria

Writing Feedback / IELTS- balanced argument regarding the effects of technology [6]

"I would mention the fact that technology enslaves people.. "

But the thoughts you have written in your essay are exactly against in your conclusion.I am perplex
Thanks

Writing Feedback / IELTS- balanced argument regarding the effects of technology [6]

Yes, Layla88 is very correct, I have same ideas just in brief give disadvantages then whole essay should be with advantages

Writing Feedback / 'Famous park in Sanadaj' - Describe your last summer holiday [6]

Thanks ah_zafari. You have some study material for me?

Writing Feedback / 'Famous park in Sanadaj' - Describe your last summer holiday [6]

You gulped basic necessity

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Popularity of convenience foods wouldn't replace traditional foods [5]

Write "Convenience Foods" in google you will find loads of details

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools are no longer needed? [9]

I agree Dumi but we must follow trend. We can't do experiment in IELTS, as one exam cost around 160 USD.
Thanks

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Should government intervene with individual's family planning rights? [5]

False belief and religious traditions are also causes of over population. Also we must omit out blind faith that woman is merely the "environment of the fetus."

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools are no longer needed? [9]

Thanks dumi let us take one side either pros or cons to give a good impact with lot of logical reasonings/examples

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools are no longer needed? [9]

I am asking to Dumi & other contributors is it possible to state like this,that in the end layao1690 concluded in between that both are necessary

"On way of conclusion, I argue that both the traditional schools and online learning have their unique characteristics and cannot be replaced by each other. Thereby a combination of these two approaches of learning is the best policy."

In IELTS exams these type of statements will work? Please, clear me
Regards
AS

Writing Feedback / 'away from non smokers' - essay on smoking in public places [7]

Marijuana/smack/cocain/ sniffing/ brown sugar all these items are banned in public places.It leads to punishment, if caught in public place.Do you think it should be also include in this essay?

Writing Feedback / 'away from non smokers' - essay on smoking in public places [7]

Yesterday, it was in BBC,CBS news informaing about the ill effects of Marijuana. Ace am I right?

Writing Feedback / Solid education system is the only critical factor to development of country [3]

Solid Education systems paves the way for Research & development in lot of field (defence/food/metal/transport) that bring new technologies which are beneficial to mankind. One more thing, you have talked of ecnomic prosperity only but we can add self reliance too. Thus, country can not import technology from outside as it would be indegenous.This will save countries revenues.

pegahhaghighat is correct this is totally a debatable topic.
Thanks