Undergraduate / "faithfulness, wisdom, service" Prompt FPU [4]

What if you have a short memory? Rather than "life and its actions", try actions taken in life or an alternate improvement. Not quite sure what you mean by serve. Because you have served in different places, you are therefore a server in your community in all possible ways? Is there some hidden link between the first and second statement (conclusion) that only astute people can tease out? Yes, common sense has it that we do things for a reason. Even reading into your parenthetical expression, a person can't get far. Based on these observations, my judgment yells that you need to scrap the essay; but then as I think about it, my judgment predicts it would say the same for the next essay and the next. More than anything else, have a look at the errors and surmise what to do of your own accord.

Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]

That's a tepid opening you have:

I'd question your use of "solidified" and inform you that nobody's future is known. There are a lot more expressive ways to capture emotion and thoughts here. The idea you have is bare -- so noncommittal that it just wastes space. You seem a tad indecisive and all the while your paragraph isn't gelling on its own. Don't be so jittery; choose a central topic about that what you couldn't separate from yourself if you wanted. I mean, when you wonder silently what do you find yourself thinking about in earnest; what is important to you?

I don't know, if I'm writing about myself it's going to be heavy. But some people can't imagine or bear a serious approach to this kind of topic, and you couldn't force them to sit still. That alone is a pretty good indicator of the wide range of characters and personalities we find among us, so while one person's ontology might take center focus, another person's account might talk exclusively in specific worldly matters and another may recount their life history with a different kind of tempo giving way.

Book Reports / "Waiting for the Barbarians" & "The Inheritance of Loss", settings comparison [7]

Well look, you really aren't saying much, if anything.

Racism has been an issue? moreover... has not been able to eliminate this problem?

In the vaguest of terms you speak, but in the constructive tone of "moreover" you feel entitled?
There hasn't been enough said; moreover, what little you did say is not of a high enough quality to grant you an exception. Overall, try digging in and saying a sensible thing or two even as English may not be your first language.

Writing Feedback / Feminism in "Company of Wolves" [3]

Well, if you insist that you are very open to criticism, I can help.


Young writers are constant prey to grammar errors involving coordination and agreement. After "Many fairy tales... For example", you must provide an example of your point. This would seem a hard error to catch because we kind of accept "For example" not as an actual example, but to allow elaboration. Well, the simple fact stands: once you preface with a phrase such as "For example", it's incumbent on you to follow through and provide one immediately there -- not eventually as you progress or in an indirect way that you pray your reader will get the gist of. Once you grow accustomed to using certain words lazily, you fall into complacency and don't even realize it when you're practicing the avoidance of pondering what you mean through the use of chafed words and terms that just don't make sense in context. Understand that "for example" is not even a strong term for seasoned writers -- it's rudimentary which should give you cause for alarm because you use it as a staple. The main action occurring is discussion of these books, which serves as no example in support of your opening statement. Most likely, you meant for the content of the discussion to relate meaningfully but it isn't couched correctly to receive through from the opening. Work on these basic errors by scrutinizing your processes until you are confident they can withstand most tests.

Undergraduate / "the SHCP Women's Tennis team" - UC PERSONAL STATEMENT for undergrads [3]

Unrated
Fix up the ending or risk copying somebody word for word; that risk is extremely high when you're expressing perennial platitudes with no originality; I may have even written something a few words off in passing a time before, when I was not feeling up for it, to give you an idea.

Undergraduate / Overcoming My Shyness - I overcame my diffidence [4]

1.0 very bad
10.0 very good

5.0
There's so much potential in this essay, but it's splotched with disappointments. Give me SOMETHING that repudiates the formulaic approach in favor of real sentiment, mood, details...

Details may be the most oft misunderstood aspect of a good essay; too many and you lose sight of the point; too few and you turn in an essay that just isn't special.

Undergraduate / "My Family" - USC: WHAT MATTERS TO ME AND WHY [6]

6.1:
Try to emphasize a differentiating quality that separates the reaction you had from the way most people would react, or one imagines people would act. As is, the content is more a reliable expectation that is known to result from an experiment than anything unique. The writing is strong enough though that if you just gave it more thought, you could have a powerful essay.

Undergraduate / UC2: Falling in love with Fictional Men [8]

1.0 Atrocious
10.0 Spectacular

4.9:
Your last paragraph does nothing but name drop and take a last second stab at the second part of the prompt. There are a few good sentences mixed in the middle two paragraphs; the first and last need major work.

Undergraduate / 'From panic to self-drive' - Stanford's sense of intellectual vitality. [10]

Yes well, kind of decide what skills are needed to edit these videos. Choose just one or two traits. Around those traits you can build hype and an aura of importance, now and then providing a snippet of metaphor about how video editing relates. To end, bring it all together without referring to video editing because hopefully you parlay the particulars into your personal qualities that depend on no activity, but enable you to apply yourself in varied circumstances.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - Transfer - Psychology [5]

Actually, most of the time I'm able to discern better than the average reader what a person is trying to say. If I can't follow along, it does not bode well for your cause. But feel free to ignore and justify; you should know the full range of defense mechanisms.

Undergraduate / My essay about my Irish culture and interest in Irish dance [8]

1.0 - Unreadable
10.0 - Engrossing

4.4
The prompt you provided undercuts your essay, almost to make it worthless. No matter how well a person talks, it won't matter if they're not answering the question posed to them. The work submitted merely proves that you enjoy an activity involving your culture; as the prompt hints at an experience, I'm pretty sure you are to demonstrate your capacity to tolerate or embrace differences, of course writing well at the same time. There is no consideration at all to help me determine whether or not you can contribute to an encompassing environment. Each word that does not say something to impress that you have been out of your cocoon and experienced unfamiliar or challenging circumstances and persevered, is consideration added along that you cannot address a clear prompt, or do not possess the range of experiences to do so even as you may want to.

Undergraduate / 'From panic to self-drive' - Stanford's sense of intellectual vitality. [10]

1.0 - Horrible
10.0 - Very impressive

3.8:
The opening is melodramatic and a poor fit for what is to follow. Your essay seems like an attempt at art in itself; this is not what you are asked to do. Pausing to reflect in a mishmash of cliches does not reduce the incoherence inherent here.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - Transfer - Psychology [5]

1.0 - terrible
10.0 - perfect

4.7:
Your opening started rather well but ended poorly. The last two sentences seem forced and certainly don't make sense.
The second paragraph is a tentative clue that you are about to veer way off track and the third is confirmation of it.
The last paragraph really doesn't have room to catch up because there's only so much you can say in the last 5 minutes of a lecture scheduled for 90 minutes; it seems coughed up without much effort apparently. The first three sentences in it are general enough to be tossed out without remorse and the last is weeping rhetoric that falls short.

Undergraduate / UC Irvine Personal Statement Supplement Nursing Program: Time with Su Ping [9]

1.0 - Incomprehensible scratch.
10.0 - Immaculate work of authorship.

3.5:
First and foremost, you don't write according to the prompt at all. Second, your writing although comprehensible like the sentence "I eat bicycle parts every day", is scattered and just slightly more meaningful.

Undergraduate / Devotion to Volunteering at Senior Center - UC Prompt 2 [6]

Guess what, you're referring to her as grandmother still in the opening line. So get it together on that front. One can surmise that you mean "not really" by blood.

"The woman I had regarded as my mom's mom or grandmother, was not in fact so."

That is much more clear. Obviously you're not going to put it that way, but for the sake of clarity understand the theory behind this example and modify your opening so it sounds less quaint.

Undergraduate / Devotion to Volunteering at Senior Center - UC Prompt 2 [6]

I did not find out that my grandmother was not really my "grandmother" until I was fourteen. My mom delivered this revelation bluntly; there were no bubble-wrapped words of caution involved. Mom and I were in Grandma's new community apartment, phoning "home" to our Shanghai relatives, delivering good news that Grandma had finally found a great place to live after moving out of our home.

"Hi, Mom, how are you? Uh huh...I'm doing great," said my mother cheerfully through the speaker. "So are (my name) and (grandma's name)." But (grandma's name) is my grandmother's name; my mother's mother. So who was on the phone? I gave a perplexed look to her but she waved me away, so I patiently waited until she was done. After the call, Mom proceeded to tell me, in a matter-of-fact tone, that the woman on the phone was her biological mother; she had given Mom to Grandma when she was only three because they were best friends, and Grandma desperately wanted a child of her own.

What do you mean, not really your grandmother? I'm not feeling bubble-wrapped as a metaphor. The parenthetical expressions need to go -- they're hard to interpret.

Undergraduate / my stay in africa and my dad. [14]

For the first fifteen years of my life I lived in Nigeria , a country in Africa . I saw people languishing in pain not certain if they will make it till the next day.Homelessness scattered all about me.Whenever I saw this it broke my heart.I felt sad because there were people who actually lived in conditions like those.Being a witness made me strongly appreciate and be self-content with what I have.To me, giving became better than receiving. I grew up helping out neighbors and friends as much as I could even with what little I had. Ever since then I had an ultimate dream: I became driven to do well in my academics in order to achieve my dream of becoming a nurse. I was so driven that I gave up living with my parents as a child to attend a great boarding school.

Bold is wanting correction. Bold and italic is a suggestion.

Essays / a report on a world issue - GLOBAL WARMING!! [9]

That's "Greenhouse."

You don't seem to provide a section on why it might be necessary to combat global warming. Do you expect your reader to assume it's terrible? What if, instead they warm up to the idea because they dislike frigid weather?

Undergraduate / Dance has made me who i am..- UC prompt #2 [13]

I didn't get into the gritty details because it's not worth it. Those are elementary spelling and grammar errors.

Undergraduate / VCU: page 87 of your autobiography; Land of the Free and Math [7]

I jumped at the sudden noise down the stairs. My hands immediately wrapped around my head to block the cacophony. It was not the loudness that startled me; it was the rawness of the sound, the kind one can only hear when flesh is being abused. A slap, I sourly realized. The sound died as soon as it started before another followed. This time, it was mixed with my mother's whimpering.

Selected errors in bold.

You jumped down the stairs?
State directly what you did.
Reword; the sound is eerily familiar...

Undergraduate / Dance has made me who i am..- UC prompt #2 [13]

Dance is my inspiration, my safe-haven, and the source of my confidence. As a baby, I was well known for being a talented wiggle worm with a flair for rhythm. My mom recognized my love for dance and enrolled me in ballet and tap dance classes for my third birthday. After a year of dance classes, the first dance recital arrived. It was my first performance, and I was overcome with stage fright and thoughts that kept running through my head. What if I forgot the dance? What if I trip and fall? My instructor led me and my fellow dancers out onto the stage. Our dance number was announced, the music was queued, and I started to dance to "The Hokey Pokey". At the end of the number, everyone applauded, and the lights dimmed as we all ran off the stage. There was a feeling of relief and a rush of adrenalin as I had just successfully performed my first number in front of an actual audience. It was at that moment that my eleven year recreational and competitive dance career had kicked off.

Errors I noticed are in bold print.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Listening to chinese music and how it's inspired me [13]

Well, I didn't read the prompt. Having read it, it seems more coherent but also more presumptive. Given the different options a, b, c, and d, you can't just say "among all the c's ..."

Slow your roll. Set the scene -- music notes and melodies if you will -- and let your essay announce itself.

The concluding line needs to finish powerfully.

- Detail
- Final message
- Cohesiveness
- Structure

Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

Grammatically, it's passable (fix the last sentence). It's slightly interesting and readable, compared to most essays here, which should count for something.

As I usually find to be true, though your grammar and style are mostly pat, the diction could use work in several areas.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Listening to chinese music and how it's inspired me [13]

"Among my personal experiences"

I think this is far too broad a category; it does not confine the issue in any sense because your breathing life at any moment, constitutes a personal experience.

Undergraduate / How one views the challenge -a significant experienece and its importance to you [6]

Write naturally or risk being caught with machinery you cannot operate.

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]


With your permission:

- colleges and all* informal
- writing was important* reword to correct tense
- I can't see why I thought that back then* thought what? not enjoying a task is not a thought; telling us that you were not enjoying a task is not informing us of any thought; the cited sentence is therefore incorrect.

- Maybe my teachers' insistence.. * fragment; minor issue.
- Anyways* anyway is standard

Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]


There's not much of interest to read nowadays and this essay is no exception; so, I'll just point the errors. Ok, your opening is redundant. It isn't easy forgiving all the thunderous words you use (e.g. plunged, explosive, vermillion, blasting, blistering, piercing); lend me some of your energy surplus... Now, presumably you're trying to create dramatic effect -- by the last part especially -- but "blasting with blistering heat" doesn't make sense. You follow? Blast doesn't work well with heat, or "piercing shrieks." The coaster is blasting waiting victims with sharp shrieks?


Diversify. You're wagering even more cash on a botched opening. This sentence is pure filler, but it has its fair share of errors. It's all messed up because you don't have a clue what parallelism describes in grammar. "As blah blah blah, shah shah shah" should be used to balance two verb phrases, ideally. You are not only overextended but also introduce more errors. What is the difference between your jaw dropping, eyes widening, and skin sweltering, or which is the odd one out? Well, you can't really control the last one. Is there some importance to the word 'consecutive'? I mean, would it not serve the meaning to leave it at, "with each fiery blast?"

While we're on that, tell bunny rabbit, what the jack are you saying, or trying to say?

So as you can see, "Return on Errors", if I was so disposed to maximizing, could get up there in a hurry.
I ran an eye or two over your essay, and it's really awful. "Inundated by trepidation", the similar misuse of other words -- they don't add any value to a cotton dry essay. You had some issues with anxiety and either continue to work on them or overcame them at some point. That's a fair synopsis of what can be understood. Take a machete to this detritus until the bits are ground into a fine dust.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Rewards and Productivity [7]

Heh, I kind of made to hell with punctuation (".") that helps avoid incoherence.

Writing Feedback / Are people unwise to pursue love even when they know it will cause them pain? [8]

Grade it out of "6", without background on the methodology?

Would 3 mean 50% on a kind of grading scale that outlines a minimum of 60% to pass?

Or would 3 mean 50th percentile (half performed better; half worse)?

Or would it mean that you performed really badly because the scores are scaled to different percentiles (e.g. rating someone on attractiveness: only choosing from 5-10 though theoretically it should be from 1-10)?

Your essay is pretty weak actually.

Sentence by sentence:

1. Strong (bold assertion)
2. Very weak (filler)
3. Average-weak (superficial remark; where is the evidence?)
4. Average-weak (ambiguous: so we can love inanimate objects without any symbolic meaning?)
5. Weak (weak transition, drab)
6. Average (ok, maybe there's a story)
7. Average-strong (building up, maybe getting back to the prompt)
8. Weak (what..? btw "whom" is for humans)
9. Very weak (ok... this clipped writing style has worn out its chances)
10. Very weak (hearsay? "means a lot" -- to what end?)

You should find this article interesting: nytimes.com/2005/05/04/education/04education.html?_r=1

In it, a "Dr. Perelman" from MIT argues vociferously that the essay score (1-6) is based on mere length:

TAKEN FROM THE ARTICLE: "I have never found a quantifiable predictor in 25 years of grading that was anywhere near as strong as this one," he said. "If you just graded them based on length without ever reading them, you'd be right over 90 percent of the time." The shortest essays, typically 100 words, got the lowest grade of one. The longest, about 400 words, got the top grade of six. In between, there was virtually a direct match between length and grade.

I'd give your work a "2."

Undergraduate / Describe environment you come from - feedback [5]

That's my fist time seeing the quotation and it's riveting.
That aside, your writing isn't quite so, and fails at addressing the prompt.

Ineluctably, some would find it objectionable after the fact, but I'd leave out the quote and draw on it (as you try without much success) to complement a narrative with its own substance. No doubt, I'd fundamentally change the commentary inspired by the quotes enough to constitue a unique idea.

Writing Feedback / Greed leads to destruction (welcome for help) [6]

Where is your prompt?

Undergraduate / Tell us about when you tried something for which you had no talent. How'd it go? [5]

The prompt excludes the experience you wrote about, unless you want the people who end up reading this to think you have no talent for science. Just in reading the prompt, the safe bet would be to describe an art you had/have no ability for. The cues to this end (if instincts aren't enough) are the examples they provide: "running" and "painting."

It sounds like you have uncanny experiential insights and a formidable style, therefore you should be able to integrate the same concepts with another experience, devoid of trouble.

If you have the time, prune back some of the nauseous mantric variations.

Undergraduate / UC: How my father's mental illness cultivated my desire to be a psychologist [13]


Learning is a simple, unimaginative word. Perhaps you shouldn't describe the mental illnesses as being "of" your father, instead describing them in terms of how they havocked your father and ruined his life. "Fascinating" is morbidly cheery. "Exhilarating" is misused. "Words cannot express" is often used when the person is trying for emphasis or has run out of words to express what follows.

It is fine to express bubbly enthusiasm but try to find a balance with careful contemplation; too much of the former and little of the latter, forewarns of spectacular failure. Presumably you are aware of the difference between a psychologist and psychiatrist; why is there not a single mention of "clinical psychology" or "clinical psychologist" if you're serious about the line of work? Perfunctory and/or disingenuous endings are easily perceptible and frowned upon.

Regroup and try to figure out the message(s) you want the author reminded of, and enduring impressions you want to leave the author with; express them.

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]


This is a crucial element of the strategies which can help to develop your language skills. Separately, I don't think zhoudongzhou meant that you should practice writing in a vacuum.

Read and write, read and write, read and write, reflect critically and make changes, read and write... reflect critically and make changes (8), ...

Syntax varies by language so translating from one to another won't be very fruitful.

Undergraduate / 'Math, constructing and designing models' - Lafayette Supplement Essay Help [7]

The accomplishment(s) you listed seem(s) unimpressive. I did similar projects or competed in similar "competitions" as you would have it, in Grade 9. They are more like assignments than accomplishments, unless you ornament them to sound particularly successful.

Faq, Help / How to post my essay with a graph? [15]

Ok, I was not familiar with the model. Nevertheless, the skill you must hone has little to do with writing and everything to do with making accurate statistical observations based on charts and graphs.

What key words you do need to use are of a mathematical nature (e.g. "more", "less", "arithmetic average", "median", "mode", "majority", "greatest", "least", etc.).

Undergraduate / I did not believe in the existence of dreams ; Commom App [7]

For a long time, I did not believe in the existence of utopia or dreams. I was a calm and rational pragmatist. Reality was the only belief I held. ??? (this is shallow; why use the word belief and invite someone to adopt a philosophical connotation on "Reality", then in turn a negative impression on your absurd treatment of the subject?)

Goodness, you so misuse the word utopia.

You contradict yourself utterly:

First you depict your earlier self as pragmatic.
Then you depict your earlier self, reminiscing "The life plan seemed perfect, but meaningless to me."

You really don't understand the "pragmatist" approach or you wouldn't say its actualization [the life plan] was meaningless to you. The life plan if it's true as your portray it in rhetoric, would constitute the greatest probability of measured success; it would not be "meaningless"; it would be the most reasonable and practical course of action to take.

Orthodoxy and conventionalism are distinct from pragmatism and if you'd be a little less liberal with words you have a distorted semblance of and undertake to understand them sufficiently before using them, you'd realize it.

Grammar and spelling errors are trifling, contrasted to egregious misconceptions that renounce the ethicality of the deed of attributing rationality to your essay.

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

"We didn't have a rubric..."

This would annoy me, putting it mildly.

I never read much of Shakespeare but the prompt seems straightforward. Also, don't memorize these useless formats they teach you in high school for writing essays. Intuition must be developed on your own as it pertains to when and how you'll begin a new paragraph. "Topic sentence" is a term that I let fall into disuse after 10th grade English.

You want to write naturally and preface each paragraph; setting rigid targets like "topic sentences" instead of bolstering your writing, will erode it.

Lastly, working hard is important but inefficient unless you figure out how to work intelligently. Most often, this involves reflecting on your weak areas and sealing those holes up to prevent leakage of all the effort you've put in, which is a hard thing to do in its own respect.

Post your next assignment and I'll try to have a look at it, perhaps providing you with insight that will prove useful.

Undergraduate / "Always striving for better and greater" - look over my UC application [8]

It's not feasible to post criticism about everything that needs changing, even if time wasn't an issue; your essay would get hacked to pieces and dismembered until it was no longer recognizable.

You can't seriously expect what you ask for and make it so undesirable for someone to do as you ask.

I was going to shred the weak opening until I read that you have Still's disease. The opening could be suitable as it is, lulling the reader into a state of dormancy, but it needs to be more concise.

Depending on how you feel, the mood of the essay can closely accord.

If you're bitter, cut out: "Now, let us say that you have just been diagnosed with a life long illness. The illness is incurable, and causes you extreme suffering each and every day. The strongest medications barely take the edge off and you continue to suffer. Everyone expresses their sympathies to you on a daily basis and all you can do is think of the pain you endure, your life is now no longer boring."

Now ratchet up the tone with a succession of strong emotion, fulminating as you see fit.

Or if you are indifferent, squeeze the essay until it's dry.
Or if you are happy, marginalize your affliction and express gratitude.

Right now I think the essay is somber -- moderately hopeful.

Faq, Help / How to post my essay with a graph? [15]

You shouldn't have to post your graph in order for people to grasp where you're erring. If you do, this is more suited to basic descriptive statistics.

Why they'd give you a graph that you could post simple statistical observations about, as a language test, isn't clear to me.