Graduate / Success only happens when you've moved up from your starting point; CASPA [8]

You definitely made many good points and clarified many things for me, so thanks!

I guess there's no other space for you to explain supplementary information about you or to explain something about your academic background? The first paragraphs definitely give a clearer picture of you as a person, as someone who will work hard and is willing to overcome adversity, but they take up so much of the space you need to actually answer the question.

Also, I think it would be really good if you were blunt about how much you hated the job and why you hated it. That really says a lot about you too. Maybe you could even tie it back to how you knew what it was like to feel disheartened, like you had nowhere to turn, and so you don't want to make others feel that way. Then I wouldn't feel like, "Wow, this person has a really interesting back-story" but then end up confused about why you chose to include that information.

My bad on the Emergency Room / Department thing; I know nothing about hospitals or medical terminology, so I concede to your expertise :P

Finally, I still think you should expand on what you like about medicine, what kinds of people you want to work with or if you want to specialize in a field, what skills you have that would help you be successful in this career, etc. You can write what they want to hear in a way that still helps them know more about you. I get that you want to stand out, and you do, but you have to stand out and answer the question. I would reach out to an interesting and unique candidate for sure, but I'd choose one who can present this in a professional way.

Undergraduate / Freedom is not free; Why do you want to attend a service academy (nomination prompt) [4]

Many parts of your response could be applied to a prompt for any college. Thus, I think you should write more about why you want to be involved in the military at all, why you feel so dedicated to your country that you would give your time, energy, and safety to protecting it.

Robert Greenleaf once said, "Good leaders must first become good servants." Attending a service academy will help me become a good servant so that I can be a good leader in the Military.

Hmmm... You don't have that many words, but you're trying to give many reasons instead of focusing on one or two important ones. Write more about the impact your JROTC experience had on you, why you want to follow in your uncle's footsteps. What did they teach you about being a leader that made you want to lead others too? Talking about what you are capable of and your full potential is too vague. Anyone can say that.

Undergraduate / English class; MY SECOND LIFE/ Significant Experience [7]

Sorry for missing so many grammar things; I'm no professional! I incorporated saklee's revisions into this version (Thanks, saklee), so hopefully this version is both natural-sounding and grammatically correct.

Undergraduate / Airport- Childhood to Adulthood / Accomplishment or Event [3]

It's very descriptive, but that ended up becoming very tedious to read. Moreover, it ended up not really answering the question; it seems to be more of a parallel to becoming an adult than actually becoming one. If the essay about you and your twin sister is your other choice, I'd go with that.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Tranfer Admisson, Older tranfer student with pervious career experience [8]

You should explain a little more why you were interested in becoming a pharmacy technician, how you got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work in entertainment, and why you chose to give all of your prior education up for it.

Another way to distinguish yourself is to write about how your education, your work experience, and your family experience will help you become a successful nurse.

Scholarship / Community Services Work course ; Australia Scholarship / 3 Responses [3]

1. Please provide details and evidence of your service to the community. Unpaid service within your field of expertise, or unpaid community service in outside capacities (Maximum 200 words)

I have been involved with variety of voluntary community service work,including ___________, ___________, and ________ . [List some community service you commonly do.]Notably, I participated in a campaign program called Clean Up Vientiane in 2011. The program aimed to raise awareness about rubbish storage and separation. I volunteered as a group leader. I led my team to primary schools, high schools, universities, and households to campaign and distribute rubbish bags.In 2012, I also had the privilege of being involved with a flooding protection program as a leader of youth ages ____ to ____. . I ensured that the tasks were done properly,supervised the children on my team, and coordinated with other communities' responsible zone . [I don't know what this means.]My team was one of many that placed sandbags on Mekong's riverbank to ensure that water would not overflow into the town and communities nearby . Both programs were short , but I gained a great deal of experience in working with diverse communities and assuming leadership roles .

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Very nice! You did a good job of presenting strong, unique experiences and tying them back to your motivation for pursuing PT. You do a good job of articulating your passion, dedication, and empathy for others. Best of luck!

Graduate / Application for Master of Information Technology (MIT) [5]

It looks good. I moved a few things around a little later in your essay to organize it a little, so I put the green headings just to show you how I broke it up (don't actually include them in your final draft). But overall, very well-written. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / What is between two places, or a bar on two poles, a dance between spaces, or.. [6]

First, you get many props for your creativity. The rhymes are a nice touch. In this case, however, I think it will be taken as a gimmick, and your essay will start to seem like you aren't taking the prompt seriously.

Furthermore, the prompt is asking you how you will help the university carry out it mission. That is, what knowledge or skills will you learn at USF, and then, how will you use those things to create a more humane and just world? You write about limbo. You write about how you have developed skills that will make you a good dentist. You write about not having the best grades, and then you write about why you want to go to USF. You didn't really answer the prompt.

Try to find a balance of engaging the reader and answering the question. You got the first part, the harder part, but you're not done yet.

Scholarship / "Deserve to receive AUK scholarship"; Need ADVICE [2]

The focus of your essay should show the admissions people that you have a clear understanding of what you want to learn, what you want do as a career, the kind of person you want to become, etc. and then how the university is the only place where you can achieve those goals. A personal approach is essential, and definitely avoid achievements and extracurriculars unless they have something to do with explaining the above.

Grammar, Usage / [the word talent and trend] - help regarding grammar! [4]

As for #3, I don't know the names of specific pronoun laws, but in this case, I guess you would treat "but" like a preposition, and you use object pronouns (me, us, him, her, etc.) after prepositions.

Scholarship / No community service work course; SCHOLARSHIP/ Proposed study [6]

I am confused. Do you want to create these community service programs in Australia or in Laos? Do you want Australian people working to help Laos? Or do you want to make programs so that Laotian people can help themselves?

Every year,many study fields are provided to Laos's students.However,there are still no courses in the field of community service work.And while community service is essential for national development,the human resource requirement for this field has increased more and more. Skilled people from community service work courses overseas could fill this need for human resources,participating in national development projects in both urban and rural Laos . Through capacity-building programs, this course will play an important role in increasing the number of human resources in the study field. Furthermore, students will learn counselling skills from this study field,which will help Laos minimize its social problems, especially those arising from mental health problems .

Moreover, the community service work will also benefit the donor country, Australia. Firstly, this program will benefit educational institutions by attracting students from all over the world to study in Australia through the global professional network of this field. Secondly, the success of program will assist Australia's role in development domain at an international level.Establishing community service programs will illustrate the country's commitmentand demonstrate that it leads in education, training, research, and innovation. Importantly, the alumni network formed by this program will be the tool that forms relationships, tying Laos and Australia together.

Undergraduate / "As long as you keep trying, you'll get it" - "Numbers and Me"/ COMMON TRANSFER APP [4]

You don't really convey why you want to transfer. What do you like about this new college? What better resources are you leaving community college for?

Scholarship / my curiosity and desire to learn; Scholarship/why deserve [7]

Very unique use of fairy tales as a hook! This was a very engaging read. Best of luck!

Scholarship / my curiosity and desire to learn; Scholarship/why deserve [7]

Michaelangelo

I don't really understand your comment. Are you referring to this:


I'm not asking this question because I can't imagine or speculate on any answers. I'm just asking it because I'm trying to eliminate sources of confusion in Shpresa's essay, and readers might not be able to draw the connection between the experiences and being interested in economics. However, it's just a suggestion and Shpresa is more than welcome to ignore it...

Writing Feedback / Watching too much TV and violent images - essay [8]

Last week, I found my cousin watching a violent TV show . He is just eight years old, so I forced him to turn off the TV. I spoke with his mother, and I realized that he predicted to TV. I think that watching too much television is not good for young children. [For a more formal essay, use full words like "television" instead of the short version, "TV." However, it is OK to use TV every now and then, especially if you find yourself writing "television" many times.]

Scholarship / Diploma of community services ; Scholarship [3]

[Write what your prior and current work are and how they are related/]
[I would delete this; you don't have to explain what the course does. You have to explain why you want to study it.]
[Delete this too. You should be writing about the specific jobs you are interested in, not just general job opportunities.]
[Why does the fact that the course has interesting papers make you want to take it?]
[Give a reason that explains why you will need those skills in your future job.]

Undergraduate / I've dreamed of working in the medical field and caring for people [5]

If you're still out there and looking for revisions, just wanted to incorporate IntheClouds's suggestions:

Ever since the sixth grade, I have dreamed [or "dreamt"] of working in the medical field and caring for people. This drive ultimately led me to pursue a career in nursing. I recently cared for my aunt, who had numerous strokes and was disabled . She was a registered nurse and passed away in January 2012. Throughout my experience [Your experience doing what? Caring for your aunt? Coping with her death?] , I havelearned to keep my mind open and be alert for many potential situations. [What kinds of potential situations?] From that moment, I realized that attending nursing school was for me. My goal is to graduate from the University of South Alabama and work at the Biloxi Medical Regional Center as a postpartum nurse. [Why postpartum nursing?] I would like to further my education and become a Nurse Practitioner in Women's Health.

Writing Feedback / Watching too much TV and violent images - essay [8]

Sorry, no.

Scholarship / MEDLIFE chapter; Pursue Your Passion Scholarship [4]

You did a very good job of fitting a lot of information into a short amount of space. I don't know what kind of people you will be competing with, but you articulate your point well, and I think you would be a very good candidate! Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Essay B # 3- CU Boulder - 'Pay check to pay check is how I have lived' [5]

The prompt asks you to:
A. Discuss any events or special circumstances that have affected your academic record
B. Discuss as any adversities you have overcome

You write a lot about your family background, but which part of the prompt is this information answering (A or B)? If it is A, you aren't quite explaining how having a young, single mother, not being financially well-off, and being a first-generation college applicant made your pre-senior year GPA not the best. You write that you did not have "an experienced caregiver in academics" to show you how to be successful. Why couldn't you reach out to teachers? Or was it that you did not have the right attitude about education? You need to explain how your circumstances shaped your attitude, then. Writing, " I found that at this time I had become flustered with all of the mistakes that I had made" is not enough; why did being flustered affect your grades?

And if your circumstances are supposed to answer B, you need to better explain the "overcome" part.

I think you need to rewrite your essay. You don't have much space available, and you need a more focused answer.

Undergraduate / Realization and Revelation - Columbia University Supplement [4]

This response is just playing off of a bunch of cliches. You found "Up" meaningful because it taught you that life is an adventure? You have to make this essay more personal; write less about the movie and more about you. What adventure were you searching for, and how has your need to pursue an adventure negatively affected your life?

Undergraduate / There are still rights and wrongs and self-evident truths; CU boulder/ Diversity [4]

You made some good points. But yes, ultimately, this essay needs to be more about you. The background you gave was good. You sound like you would enrich UC Boulder's diversity by fighting to promote it, as opposed to enriching it by being conventionally diverse yourself. Have you done anything like that in high school? What clubs with these values would you be interested in joining at this college, or can this relate to what you plan on studying? Also, don't forget, the prompt also asks "What are your hopes for your college experience?"

Undergraduate / WashU University Scholars Program in Medicine [6]

Very engaging read, but a little too informal for a college essay. I tried to take out many of the sentence fragments and remove the conjunctions at the beginnings of your sentences. When you use too many, even if it's natural when you speak, you start to sound like a little kid in your writing.

You have good reasoning, and your connecting your medical internship to those reasons was good. But you spent much of the essay talking about how much you admired the medical researchers. The medical researchers were the ones studying your favorite subjects, the ones using their critical-thinking skills, the ones who help people by finding cures and treatments. So why do you end the essay so convicted about being doctor, after only a short reference to your tenure in an internist's office?

Undergraduate / The only thing I fear is fear itself- for the common application!! :) [9]

The Only Thing I Fear is Fear Itself

I like the originality of your response. However, the point of the Common App essay is, first and foremost, to tell admissions officers something about yourself that they won't find in the rest of your application. After reading this, I can imply a lot about five-year-old you but nothing about you now. What are recentexamples of you taking risks and trying new things?

Undergraduate / My spiritual life strengthened because of this significant experience [4]

OK. I appreciate the strength of your religious conviction, and I think it's a bold move for you to write a response about your religion (I'm a Christian myself). However, you need to write less about your beliefs and more about how this event defines you, if that makes sense. What personality traits has your spirituality developed in you, and what clubs / interests / career pursuits do you have that support these new personality traits?

God is real. God really does exist. Sometimes we just have to look for Him with sincerity to feel Him in our lives. I am forever changed by this incident that He gave me. I have become an improved man because of that. If you asked me whether or not I would like to go back and erase what happened that night , I would decline . It is not because I want my father to experience such an incident, but because that incident changed my life forever and has saved me from more possible sufferings in life if I still did not believe in God. Now, I am a truly defined person in Christ, proclaiming His awesome power and mighty deeds.

Undergraduate / my teachers never really cared about me; UCF College App [4]

This is a good starting response, but you need to narrow your focus to one obstacle or "bump in the road." I would focus on your academic obstacle and take away the bits about your parents splitting up, since those two situations seem to be unrelated. Moreover, you were able to fix the academic situation while you couldn't have fixed the situation with your parents.

Undergraduate / NO TWO PEOPLE ARE THE SAME; FAMU Essay Prompt. [5]

First, your word limit is small, so take out the first three sentences; you don't have room for unnecessary introductions. Secondly, you can basically narrow your essay to saying, "I am diligent. I am also empathetic. I will be able to contribute to Florida A&M." You should be saying, "I am diligent. Here's how you know I'm diligent... Here is how my diligence will contribute to a specific part of Florida A&M." You do a good job naming the traits and defining them. But you don't write about what extracurriculars, classes, career aspirations, examples, etc. show us that you have the traits. You also don't explain how you will contribute to the university. Do some research on the college and be able to name specific clubs or courses where you will use your traits to shine.

Undergraduate / THE DA VINCI - Johns Hopkins Supplement! [4]

You have an interesting array of experiences, and you definitely conveyed the "spirit of exploration and discovery" of Hopkins in your response. However, you didn't really respond to the prompt. Admissions officers will know that you're applying as a BME major. But what are your unique interests, and how will you build upon them at JHU? It might take a little research and soul-searching, but you need something more focused than a desire to "make a difference" or "make an impact on people's lives."

Undergraduate / "Make your passion your work, and work will become a game" That test night..(UIUC essay 1) [2]

This is an interesting response, but focus your essay more on the prompt. You focus most of the response on the "related experience" and only explain your interest in the major in the final two paragraphs. Also, you write that you want to "impact the citizens of this world positively." It's OK to be unsure about exactly what you want to do with your computer science major, but that sentence is too vague. You can speculate on areas to focus on, or you can be honest and then explain how Computer Science will bring innovation and the thrill of a challenge to any field.

Undergraduate / THE DA VINCI - Johns Hopkins Supplement! [4]

Ohhh... Haha, I did need that clarification, but now I get it. The shift in perspective confused me, and I missed that date... Okay, I have no other complaints! Best of luck!

Essays / How to approach essays such as, "Why do you want to attend this university?" [6]

Sounds like something I've read before, but obviously yours would be unique to you, and it seems like it would answer the prompt just fine. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Describe a topic central to your identity: My Mother and Poland. [2]

This was a good snapshot of your heritage, but you were right when you said that it isn't enough about you. Identity goes deeper than just your nationality or who your parents are. How have those things shaped what you value, what you want to do as a career, extracurriculars, etc.? You said a lot, but you can say a lot more with the same topic.

Undergraduate / Why would I want to transfer from a two year Community College to a four year University? [3]

Right now, your essay is a tad generic. It's kind of obvious that a larger university will have more challenging courses, a larger and more diverse community, more clubs, and can afford better facilities. The part you wrote about the health clubs you are interested in was good. Do more of that. What do you want to study and do as a career, and how will a four-year university help you do those things? And try to be more specific. I know it's asking about two-year and four-year colleges, but mention specific things about your community college and the University of Connecticut.

Scholarship / SPEAK YOUR LIFE- a rich kid brought up by poor parents [3]

Your response was well-articulated, but I think that talking about your affluence is not a very good subject. Moreover, you only connect the background with the impact in the last sentence. Finally, the connection that you illustrate is a little shaky. I can see how your upbringing led you to "count your blessings," but how did it help you "blend your religious and family values," "become an independent citizen, care about others," or "understand the needs of others?"

I think talking about your Pakistani culture would be a better route. While writing, make sure to emphasize the influence part. What do you want colleges to know about your values, the major and career you want to pursue, what you like to do, what you want to be remembered for, etc.?

Undergraduate / 'Working with numbers and managing' - what qualities attract/your interests in UMichigan [2]

Remember, the prompt says, "Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan." The only reason you give is that CLSA has a variety of subjects to learn, and that's not a very unique reason at all.

Also, you need to elaborate more on what your interests are. What experiences have you had that support that "working with numbers and managing are two things that I enjoy?" You write, "business is the best fit for me due to what I love doing," but what do you love doing?

Scholarship / Europe is the most popular place among the students! [15]

Things you had to include:
- Why you are applying for this EMA2 Programme - Why do you want to go to Europe? Saying it's the number one study abroad place is not enough.

Your particular skills and abilities - What computer skills do you have?
- Your academic interests - You mentioned English and you also mentioned urban development. Which one are you going there to learn about?
- Your work experience (if relevant) - Don't just list your jobs. How will they help you in the program?
- Your commitment to return to your home institution/country - DONE
- How this period abroad will benefit to you and your direct social-economical environments - DONE
- Preferred start date and duration of mobility you are interest - DONE

Undergraduate / CommonApp: The softening harmony of laughter gives me a state of comfort [3]

Your essay is very eloquent. But reading how close you are to your family makes me wonder how you would fare away from them in a college setting. Moreover, if you're going to write about your family, you need to get a little more specific. You bond, and laugh, and have interesting conversations. But what is your family like? What relatives are you referring to? What have you learned from them, and how have they shaped your personality, dreams, etc.?

Remember that the end-goal of application essays is to tell colleges why you will be a good addition to their schools; whatever you write about, you have to show this...

Undergraduate / COMMON APP - previous commendable experiences, activities [3]

I think you are spending too much time on the commendable experiences part, when the focus should be what you will do in and after college. Moreover, there should be some kind of link between the past and future. Are you going to do research in college? Sports? What specifically? If this is a supplement essay, you need to find out what clubs, opportunities, etc. are at the college and name them in your essay.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt - 2 essays: my father / my chin [3]

Both these essays are both interesting and grammatically sound. But my belief is that through your essays, college admissions officers want to know a. Why you will be a good edition to the school (What can you do for them?) and b. Why you want to go to their school (What can they do for you?). Thus, I like the first essay better, just because you discuss your passions and goals for the future more than you do in the second one. Plus, I think "chinky" is, to many, an offensive term. If you really want to keep the second one, I'd suggest writing about how you've taken the lesson to heart in pursuing unconventional activities or doing things that others look down on you for, or how you work to teach others self-confidence, or something. You can *say* you've learned the lesson, but you have to *show* that you really believe it too.

For the first one, your description of your father's habits isn't *quite* on the topic of describing the world you've grown up in. Describe the *dynamics* and *culture* of your family; did your father's health put a strain on your parents' relationship, or on his relationship with you? What is the philosophy on communicating; are children allowed to tell parents what to do? Was anyone else worried about him? Are these habits common among other family members? Is it a norm for people in your family to resist medical care, or to not have health insurance? There are also no references to when these events took place, how long it took to change your father, when you become interested in medicine.

As for the "dreams and aspirations" part, expand your statement to caring for others, even and especially difficult people, not just your family. I don't really know what to say about the end of your essay; it's a little off-putting to read about your methods for fixing your father's health. You show your determination and fierce compassion for your father, but as a nurse, you won't be able to force people to live healthily, especially if it means making them unhappy.