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Posts by william731
Joined: Feb 14, 2013
Last Post: Oct 22, 2014
Threads: 18
Posts: 43  
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From: Hong Kong

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william731   
Oct 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Qualification is still the fundamental determinant of an employee's competency of their jobs.(ielts) [2]

Some employers are giving increased importance to social skills. However, others still believe qualifications are the most important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

With the increased educational level of workforce, there are growing number of employers seeking criteria other than qualifications such as social skills in their employee selection process. However, some employers still believe that qualifications should be the most paramount criterion. The essay intends to explore both sides of arguments and also present my own opinion.

Firstly, some people suggest that qualification should be the foremost measurement to determine the value of a employer. It is of importance that workers should be well educated and trained to perform duties of their job. Specifically, people who work in professional fields such as medicals are required to have a university degree and years of experience. Social skills seem to be less important as they cannot contribute to the success of a surgery.

On the other hand, it is no doubt that the importance of social skills have been recognized by increasing number of employers. It is because people nowadays are required to work as a team in their jobs frequently. Interpersonal skill plays an essential role in helping colleagues to cooperate with each other, especially when conflicts arise. Better social skills allow them to resolve disagreements in a much more harmony way. Besides, organization have been transformed to customers oriented. Excellent social skills can help employees maintain strong relationship with their clients which thus lead to a better customer satisfaction.

To my view, I incline to believe qualification is still the fundamental determinant of an employee's competency of their jobs. Yet, the importance of social skills should not be neglected as those skills can help one to perform their job effectiveness and efficiency by facilitating interaction and communication with others.
william731   
Oct 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / children's involvement in crime- ielts essay [7]

but, In the "agree/disagree" essays, the opinion of the writer is not given in the introductry part of the essay

Well, I was told that we should present our opinion at the beginning in the "agree/ disagree" essays.
Simon, the ex-IELTS examiner, also tells us to state personal opinions in the introduction in his blog.
william731   
Oct 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / children's involvement in crime- ielts essay [7]

Some scientists feel that the underlying reason behind this complicity is the lack of moral support from parents while some are at odds with this position claiming that there are other factors which urge the youngsters to conduct in a bellicose way

psychologists and Scientists are two different groups of people.
I think it would be better to put your opinion in the introduction part because you first metioned parents responsibility then you talked about govenment has the responsibility. I am not sure if you agree or disagree with the claim.

The prompt says" Some psychologists claim that basic reason for this is that children these days aren't getting the social and emotion learning they need from parents and teachers"

So i think you should talk about the role of teachers as well.
william731   
Oct 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / The first and foremost consideration is to be able obtain a stable job, satisfaction would be next.. [2]

Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security. Others think that people cannot expect to enjoy a job and having a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is not a unanimous consensus as to whether job satisfaction or job security is of greatest importance. Some people place more values on working in a satisfactory job whereas others think that getting a permanent job is their paramount concern. The essay intends to explore both sides of arguments while also present my personal opinion.

To begin with, it is undeniable that working in a enjoyable job can be advantageous. Firstly, research has shown that people who satisfy their current jobs status are much more productive than those who have dissatisfied work. It is because when people are participating in a satisfying job, they tend to devote full attention to performing the tasks. Secondly, job dissatisfaction can result in serious negative effects. For instance, people who has punishing work schedule may likely exert themselves to high degree of mental stress which may lead to anxiety.

On the contrary, the opponents argue that they ought to secure their jobs first before they can consider satisfaction. Many people nowadays are living on the edge that they bear high level of financial stresses from supporting their families financially and mortgage repayments. They are scared of losing their jobs and reluctant to raise complains even though they are working in an uncomfortable environment.

Personally, I think sometimes people have no choice but to work in a position whichever available for them. People in China, for example, normally have to work six days a week. Besides, some workers often receive unreasonable remunerations or even none for working overtime. Yet, those people are still staying with their current jobs since if they do not accept the jobs, there are plenty of applicants willing to takeover.

To conclude, It is no doubt that every person would like to have a enjoyable job. However, the first and foremost consideration is to be able to obtain a stable job before thinking about satisfaction.
william731   
Oct 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / motives of people applying for work / forms of transport used for journey - IELTS Task 1 [4]

Overall, while there was a decrease in the number of people who seek pension and security in job, the number of others sectors experienced some enormous rise

I think seek for "job and pension security" would be better to describe this category.
some enormous rises

In 1995, secure job and pension was the most common motive , with 580000 people in this section, the number of people who yearned for high standard and were unemployed elsewhere were much lower, about one tenths and a half as much as those seeking pension and job security respectively.

secure job and pension factor was the
using 580 thousands would be better.
one tenth
Finally, where is your conclusion?

The table shows the proportion of 5 forms of transport used for yourney in the USA, UK as well as France and Netherlands. The bar chart present the reasons people travel to work by car in USA.

journey?
presents
the reasons why people travel..

where the higest cuted reason for using car to work is no alternative

cute is an adj. there is no need to add "d"

his form is also very popular compared others in UK, France and Netherlands, with 72%, 68% and 47% respectively

compared with

Again , where is the conclusion ?
william731   
Oct 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Zoos may not act as the best interest of animals since they are profit earning entities. [3]

Some people think that zoos are cruel and all the zoos should be closed. However, other people think that zoos are useful to protect the rare animals. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There is always a controversial debate about the existence of zoos. Some people think that it is cruel to keep animals in captivity and all the zoos should be shut down whereas others argue that zoos are sanctuaries that protect the endanger species. The essay intends to explore both sides of arguments and also present my personal opinion.

To begin with, zoos indeed achieve several purposes in different aspects. Firstly, they protect certain kinds of endanger animals from extinction by artificially creating habitable environment for those nearly extinct species with zoo keepers taking care of them. Secondly, human beings can be benefited from zoos educationally. Modern Zoos usually associates with a science facility that are primary used for research on wildlife and educational purpose such as student tour.

On the contrary, the counter argument claims that zoos are still profit oriented organization that their primary goal is to generate profit from exhibiting animals. For example, some zoos in China train animals to perform entertainment to visitors and most of these animals suffer from maltreatment.

Personally, I believe that zoos do give protective asylum to animals. However, it is immoral to limit those animals' freedom by keeping them in small cages. I believe that there are alternative options that can be taken to protect rare species . For instance, national parks can serve a similar purpose as zoos do while also allow animals to live in a way as they would in the wild.

To conclude, it is undeniable that protecting nearly extinct animals is the major function of zoos. However, zoos may not act as the best interest of animals since they are profit earning entities. Beside, there is a better alternative to protect animals by opening wildlife parks.
william731   
Sep 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Public health and related measurements. [6]

especially on present days when the quality of health are experiencing both good and bad changes

how about using positive and negative changes instead of good and bad. And what are the good changes? what are the bad changes?

Secondly, the sheer pleasure of playing sports helps to release the stress of life, which is a very common problem faced by people and can cause many dangerous related diseases

I think it would be better to elaborate a little bit and give specific examples.

These are safe drinking water and foods, as well as motor-vehicle safety, control of infectious and mortal diseases.

I think motor-vehicle safety is irrelevant to public health.
william731   
Sep 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Educational system is the thing that I fairly certain that we need to change soon in our country [13]

Foremost and uppermost is language because in our country still poor, and it is not traditional to learn English properly for us.

I think foremost and uppermost have similar meaning.
You could just say : The foremost thing that needs to be changed is the foreign linguistic education.
When you say language, that includes your own language as well, not just English. So it kind of has a meaning that your country has poor language system.

Internet is the small example for it

It is weird to say small example.

The second point is not about time management, it is all about lack of courses designed for people who have to work. So you could just say lack of part-time courses or something like that.
william731   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Some people claim that teaching children of different abilities together will benefit them [5]

some people think educate children of different abilities together will benefit them. Others think intelligent children should be taught separately and give special courses, discuss both side and give own opinion!

Traditionally, schools treat every student equally and group students in a class based on their age. However, there is a growing popularity that schools intend to develop more elite students by separating intelligent children from others and giving them more intensified courses. This essay intends to discuss the views of two different teaching methods while also present my own opinion.

Firstly, intelligent students are quick learners that they can master what they learned faster than others. Allocating them to a normal class may hinder their learning progress since they are capable of learning more than what the normal course can give them. Therefore, it is believed that grouping those students based on the level of intelligence allows teachers to design specific programs for them to utilize their full capacity of learning ability.

On the other hand, the counter argument suggests that distinguishing talented students with special treatments may impose negative effects on their personality. The recognized students may have a sense of perception that they are superior than others. As a result, they may develop negative attitudes such as being arrogant and over-confident. Besides, a class that consists of students with various levels of intelligence may have its benefits. It is because students can compete with each other academically and learn from the best student in the class.

Personally, I believe children should be treated equally in the school. It is because when schools are allowed to identify the intellectual students, they may incline to neglect the average students and emphasize on training those talented students.

To conclude, both teaching methods have their pros and cons. Yet, I am personally in favour of the traditional one since every student should receive fair treatment regardless of their intellectual levels.
william731   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Honesty is always the most important consideration in any relationship - statement essay [9]

I guess, this is the reason why people lies in a relationship nowadays

lie

the reason a person lying to another is he considering more about himself even if that means hurting the feeling of the person who trusts him

The reason why people lie is because they consider more about themselves even if that means hurting other people's feeling.
If you want to use a person, it is better to say he or she. because that person could be a man or woman. So it would be better to say people instead.

I can barely see any reasons for the person who are hurt to continue the relationship basing on no respect or kindness

is
based

even if she already doesn't eat anything for three days.

has not eaten anything

Try to avoid using contraction in formal essay
william731   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Video games are harmful if people play them in the wrong ways [7]

Video games are harmful if people play them in the wrong ways

I think your points in 2nd paragraph are good but the topic sentence is a little bit weak. Your points are more about they spend too much time rather than playing video games in a wrong way.

Another benefits of video games

I argue that video games have more benefits then drawbacks

than
william731   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Educational system is the thing that I fairly certain that we need to change soon in our country [13]

In the first paragraph, I thought you are going to talk about transportation but then you turned to the topic of educational system. So what is the point of mentioning public transportation?

Foremost and uppermost, languages.

This seems like an incomplete sentence.

Despite this possibility,

What is "this possibility" referring to?

I think it would be better to specify which countries's universities do not provide sufficient level of English study because speaking English is not a problem to people in English speaking countries.

In the third paragraph, you talked about time then you mentioned part-time job but the links between these two ideas are weak.
william731   
Sep 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Housing shortage in big cities can cause severe social consequences [2]

Housing shortage in big cities can cause severe social consequences. Some people think only government actions can solve this problem.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


With the increasing number of people migrating to big cities, the house shortage of metropolis has become a serious social problem. Some people suggest that the housing problem solely can be solved by the government. Personally, I totally agree with this claim as will now be discussed.

Undoubtedly, government has the ultimate decision on city planning. Government has the power to demolish old and dangerous buildings aiming to release more sites to construct residential buildings. The city council can also implement plans to develop surrounding regions of the big cities and encourage residents to move to those areas by offering them allowance.

Secondly, it is the responsibility of local authority to help its disadvantaged citizens and provide shelters for them. Disable people, low income families and single parents are struggled to afford commercial real estate. The government has a duty to ensure and maintain its residents a certain degree of living standard and welfare. Therefore, it is believed that government should providing aids to assist these people by providing them financial aids and public accommodations.

The market price of the house in most of the big cities has been manipulated by local and foreign investors which is evident by the dramatically rising in house prices. In consequence, more and more people cannot bear the costs of purchasing commercial houses and they shift to seek for public housing. However, this behaviour imposes a pressure to the supply of public housing. Therefore, governmental intervention in the market price should be in place in order to discourage investors from purchasing houses for non-residential purpose.

To conclude, accommodation is one of the fundamental desires of human beings. Government has an essential role to facilitate the searching of shelter of their citizens by alleviating the pressure of house shortage.
william731   
Sep 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

I reached the end of your essay and I did not read your opinion on the matter. Where is it? You need to present your opinion because it is a requirement of the prompt. Please do that so that we can better review the content of your paper :-)

I am confused. I stated my opinion in the introduction that I agree with the statement. Paragraph 2 and 3 are my reasons. So I am not sure what kind of opinion you are looking for.
william731   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

It is against the rules of essay writing for the writer to introduce a new idea in his concluding paragraph. So I suggest you remove the part about radiation leakage. That was you will simply have summarized your facts in the conclusion, which by the way, is still missing your opinion on the matter.

Thank for your advice.
I reorganized some paragraphs of my essay. How is it now?

The proliferation of nuclear technology has led to public concern as to whether nuclear power has more benefits than its drawbacks. Although the potential threats cannot be neglected, I personally agree with the assertion that the advantages provided by nuclear power outweigh the shortcomings as will now be discussed.

Firstly, nuclear energy indeed produces a relatively low amount of carbon dioxides which is the major cause of global warming. Since the consequence of global warming on public health and environment is enormous, shifting from fossil fuel to nuclear power can alleviate the problem of global warming by reducing the production of carbon dioxides. Moreover, the traditional means of energy resources are scarce and they are expected to be fully exhausted within decades. While alternative energy such as solar energy are not ready to be widely used because of the enormous capital cost and the ineffectiveness, nuclear power is considered to be an economic resource that can be adopted to substitute traditional fossil fuels.

Admittedly, developing nuclear energy poses certain degree of threat to human beings due to the usage of radioactive materials and the safety of nuclear plants. Considered the example of meltdown of three nuclear reactors in Japan few years ago, the leakage of radiation has caused serious pollution to the surrounding areas and it is expected to take decades to fully clean up the contaminated regions. However, radiation outbreak is a rare incident since nuclear energy plants have strict set of rules regarding the safety and precaution of handling radioactive materials.

To conclude, it is undeniable that potential radiation leakage in nuclear plants could lead to a lethal accident. Yet, the immediate positive outcomes of adopting nuclear technology by far overcome the possible negative impact.
william731   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? [8]

The threat of nuclear weapons maintains world peace. Nuclear power provides cheap and clean energy. The benefits of nuclear technology far outweigh the disadvantages. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.

The proliferation of nuclear technology has led to public concern as to whether nuclear power has more benefits than its drawbacks. Although the potential threats cannot be neglected, it is believed that the advantages provided by nuclear power outweigh the shortcomings.

Admittedly, developing nuclear energy poses certain degree of threat to human beings due to the usage of radioactive materials and the safety of nuclear plants. Considered the example of meltdown of three nuclear reactors in Japan few years ago, the leakage of radiation has caused serious pollution to the surrounding areas and it is expected to take decades to fully clean up the contaminated regions.

However, nuclear energy indeed produces a relatively low amount of carbon dioxides which is the major cause of global warming. Since the consequence of global warming on public health and environment is enormous, shifting from fossil fuel to nuclear power can alleviate the problem of global warming by reducing the production of carbon dioxides.

Moreover, the traditional means of energy resources are scarce and they are expected to be fully exhausted within decades. While alternative energy such as solar energy are not ready to be widely used because of the enormous capital cost and the ineffectiveness, nuclear power is considered to be a economic resource that can be adopted to substitute traditional fossil fuels.

To conclude, it is undeniable that potential radiation leakage in nuclear plants could lead to a lethal accident. However, the immediate positive outcomes of adopting nuclear technology by far overcome the possible negative impact. Plus radiation outbreak is a rare incident since nuclear energy plants have strict set of rules regarding the safety and precaution of handling radioactive materials.
william731   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Teachers lost their roles in modern education? [5]

Technology development brings about a host of new educational methods like online classes which convey information replacing teachers

I think the last part of the sentence does no make any sense.
For me, I would write: Technological development has revolutionized the methodology of education such as the invention of online tutorials. People nowadays can assess wide range of information easily through internet. Therefore, some people believe that the traditional role of teachers which is to convey information would disappear soon. However....

There is no denying that teachers won't be replaced in all kinds of aspects.

I think we should avoid using won't or can't in formal writing.

For example, in some poverish area where there is no electric and any modern equipment can't work, only can teachers convey information in classes.

impoverished areas
electric device
only teachers can
I think we can better say : in some impoverished areas where not every person can afford modern equipments and teachers become the most affordable channel for them to acquire information.

Last but not least,some programmes only be
runned by teachers like football and swimming courses

Personally, I think this point is irrelevant because the focus here is about delivering information/knowledge but not about coaching
And "runned" should be run

Modern facilities can be adopted as a tools to improve their performance.

william731   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Computer make us more productive or less happy and more stupid? [4]

I think the introduction should just bring out some background information and the thesis but it seems like you just go directly to the body part.

We should give credit to the computers for our today's advancement as it doesn't feel tired or other emotion it can give result in an instant and it is the core part of any research and development

This sentence is really long and confusing.
william731   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Some think that teenagers are the happiest, others believe that adult life bring more more happiness [5]

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest of our lives, while others believe that adult life brings more happiness. Discuss both views and give your opinion

There is not an unanimous consensus as to whether adolescence or adulthood is the happiest stage of our lives. Some believe that teenager years are the best of their lives while others enjoy being a grown up. This essay intends to explore both sides of views.

There are three reasons suggesting the claim that adolescent stage is the happiest. Firstly, it is argued that teenagers bear lesser pressure than adults. Unlike adults who have to tackle with various sorts of stress such as financial or work related pressure, teenagers are attending schools where they can make friends and gain knowledge with lesser degree of tension. Besides, the youth have lesser burden of responsibilities. They do not have the moral obligation to support their family financially. Finally, the young people are living in a world where they are protected by their parents and laws. They are often forgiven for things they did, at least the punishments are light. However, an adult is required to take full responsibilities of any kind of behaviours they performed.

On the other hand, adults are able to enjoy a greater flexibility of freedom. There are several restrictions posing to juvenile. For instance, consuming alcohols and driving are legally prohibited for those who are under eighteen years old. Moreover, adults usually have a regular job with stable income that allows them to purchase whatever they like. However, teenagers are still financially dependable to their parents since they are incapable of generating sufficient amount of money yet.

In conclusion, I personally believe that being a teenager or an adult both have their wonderful moments. Some teenagers may look forward to be an adult to enjoy their freedom while adults simply wish they could be young again and live happily with lesser concern.
william731   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / theme ::: > Eating a balanced diet is the most important factor for a healthy life. [2]

In my view, people have to need much organic food to maintain good health. Vegetables and fruits are essential for human body. Both of them contain vitamins, minerals and fibers, which cannot found in meat

Organic food includes Meat and Vitamins can be found in meat as well. It would be better to write accurate information and try to avoid writing some ideas if you are not sure about that.
william731   
Feb 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS- Report on Graphical Presentation ; Quantities of goods transported in the UK [2]

The graph presents a trend about the amount of consumer products transported in the UK in the period between 1974 and 2002 through four various methods of transport, including road, water, rail and pipeline. At first glance, most of the goods are transported by road.

Most of goods were transported by trucks. It accounted for 70 million tonnes in 1974 and had been gradually increasing to 80 million in 1996, followed by a sharp rise between 1996 and 1999. it reached 100 million tonnes in 2002.

Water and rail transportation had a similar trend at the beginning period. It remain steady until goods imported by ship climbed to nearly 60 million tonnes in 1978 and dropped to 50 million tonnes in 1998 before rapidly rising to 65 million at the end of period. On the contrary, rail transportation declined from 40 million to 30 million in 1984. It then increased a bit but dropped to the bottom of below 30 million in 1995. However, it restored to around 40 million tonnes in 2001.

Pipeline transportation remained the least over the period, it started from 5 million tonnes and continuously climbed to over 20 million tonnes in 1995. The quantities of goods remained steady over the rest of the period.

Overall, road was the most common transportation which is about 5 times as much as pipeline.




william731   
Feb 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process [2]

The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.

The first chart demonstrate the process of making cement while the second chart illustrates how and what components are used for concrete production.

For cement production, the first step involves crushing the raw materials, limestone and clay, into powder and mixing them together through a mixer. The mixture then are transferred to a rotating heater and heated to certain degrees. After that, it is transferred to a grinder through a convey belt and the mixture is then grinding into powder. The final product is cement and it is packed with bags.

For concrete productions, the steps are much simpler than making cements. Firstly, it requires putting 15% of cement, 10% of water, 25% of sand and 50% of small stone together into a concrete mixer. The concrete mixer is kept rotating until all the components in the container are mixed smoothly.

Finally, the concrete is formed and it is ready for building uses. It should be noticed that the concrete mixer should be kept spinning or the mixture may be solidified.




william731   
Feb 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / Should University education be free for everyone interested? TOEFL [4]

I believe that universities should provide free of cost education to the interested scholars because now-a-days universities with good name charge high fees and this leads one to think about affordability

nowadays
high reputation
too vague, not everyone can afford the charges.

they has a lot to face the other difficulties and burden while getting admission such as accommodation, food, traveling, clothing, etc.

they have to face other difficulties such as accommodation, food, traveling and clothing.

M.Phils. and PhDs scholars are probably engage in the research work, which takes their full concentration and surveys

need to explain this point
E.g M.Phils. and PhDs scholars probably keep their full concentration on doing research work and they probably do not have any spare time for work.

universities have to look over the issues face by most of the scholars

faced

their message should be spread education

promoting

should pay attention on the grammatical errors.
william731   
Feb 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)Social and economic indicators for four countries in 1994 [4]

The given table chart illustrates the social and economic indications of Canada

given table or given chart

while comparing Canada and Japan

to

In life expectancy of the people in these countries there was a negligible difference

has a negligible difference

The differences between Peru and Zaire in annual per person income is 30$US

Japan and Canada, all these four categories showed high disparity compared to poor countries Peru and Zaire

william731   
Feb 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / Can petrol price hikes control growing traffic and pollution issues? [3]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?


With the growing number of private vehicles, there is an increasing concern about traffic congestion and pollution problems resulting from cars. Some believe that increasing the price of petrol is the most effective way to reduce those problems. However, I am not convinced that making the petrol price higher is the best solution.

To begin with, it is undeniable that imposing a high fuel price may reduce the number of private car users. Since higher cost of petrol may increase the financial burden of car users, they may switch to cheaper transportation such as trains and buses. With lesser cars on the road, the congestion problem can be alleviated.

However, increasing fuel price may not be the best method to the problems. As there are many people think that the public transportation system is underdeveloped. For instance, the schedule of buses in some locations is limited and there may only have one bus per hour. By considering the convenience of driving, people still prefer driving even though the cost is increased.

There are other solution that are considered to be effective. Firstly, government should emphasize on developing a better transportation system. Secondly, increasing the parking cost can also help control the cars in the city. A better system along with increased cost of parking and fuel would definitely deter people from using private vehicles.

To conclude, the price of the petrol is not the fundamental factor that affects the preference of driving but the inconvenience of public transportation system is. Therefore, the government should focus on the primary cause.
william731   
Feb 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Possible ways to encourage the use of public transport to reduce traffic - IELTS [5]

This example, clearly illustrates the fact that use of private cars on highways are expensive as compared to using the public transportation

I think comma is not needed in here.

ntroducing tolls and other taxes on using private car is a good strategy to deter the use people from using private vehicles

it is clear that by increasing the cost of using the private vehicles is an effective strategy to encourage people using public transportation

william731   
Feb 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Telecommuting' refers to workers doing their jobs from home- IELTS [4]

These days there has been a significant increase in number of people working from home and use computers to communicate with their office

using

For instance, when the number of people show up for work is lessened due to telecommuting, many empty desks can be expected in the office. As a result, offices grow smaller and employees come in for work have to share desk with their colleagues which in turn affect the social atmosphere and morality of the employees in the company

kind of contradict to your reason.
from my understanding, you say it is expected to have many empty desks, why they have to share desk?

For example, it is obvious that when more people gravitate towards the idea of working at home, fewer cars will be seen on cities . This example illustrates the fact that people will have less reason to travel to city center and other nearby areas. Therefore , shopping centers and other business outlets have to relocate out of the city.

To be honestly, this point does not seem persuasive to me. it is hard to link fewer cars to relocation of shopping centers.
william731   
Feb 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / The three pie charts below show the changes in annual spending by a UK school [2]

The three pie charts below show the changes in annual spending by a particular UK school in 1981,1991 and 2001.

The three pie charts present the trend of annual expenditure in an UK school in 1981,1991,2001. At first glance, teachers' salaries remained the largest percentage of the total expenditure.

The teacher's salaries were fluctuated across the period. It started from 40% in 1981, followed by 50 % in 1991 and reduced to 45% in 2001. Resources such as books experienced a similar pattern. In 1981, it occupied 15% of the spending and it rose to one fifth in 1991 before dropping to 9% in 2001.

Other workers' salaries had been decreasing over last three decades, which reduced from 288% in 1981 to only 15% in 2001. On the other hand, more money had spent on insurance. It first rose by 1% to 3 % in 1991 and then dramatically climbed to 8% in 2001. Furniture and equipment also increased from 15% in 1981 to 23% in 2001, despite the fact that it declined by 10% in 1991.

Overall, teachers and other workers' salaries, furniture and equipment were the highest expenses of the school for the last 30 years.




william731   
Feb 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / people use the mobile phone or computer to communicate, and no longer write letters [3]

It is obvious that many occasions ,from workplace to campus,still need letters

It sounds weird to me, i would say: it is obvious that people still need writing letters on several occasions.

Many universities,for example, are more likely to send handwriting letters to inform students that they are available to their schools

I don think school would send a handwriting letter. They probably send a printed letter.

We can see that the majority of schools regard writing letters as a basic skill of language learning,which means nearly every person in our country is leaning or has acquired how to write letters

has acquired the technique of writing letters.

It only takes people minutes even seconds to receive a message via phones or computers while people will spend days or weeks to see a letter

to receive a letter

In conclusion,as a traditional skill,the technique of letter writing are always needed in official occasions

are --> is
in---> on
william731   
Feb 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) Typical stages of consumer goods manufacturing [4]

Raw materials and manufactured products keep in the store room first and then passed to the production planning, assembling respectively

should be passive voice, are kept
planning and assembling
I think components and products are two different things.

Raw materials and manufactured products keep in the store room first and then passed to the production planning, assembling respectively. The assembled goods after inspection and testing moved on for packing. The packed items are then ready for distribution in the dispatch section and finally sent for sale.

For me , I would write that: Raw materials and manufactured components are kept in the store room first and then are transferred to production planning stage. The finished goods are manufactured based on the design from product research department and are then assembled to inspection and testing department. The fully tested products are packed and ready for dispatch to sales section.

The items are undergoing inspection and testing after assembly

you mentioned it in the second paragraph.

The market research done after sales also influences the design of the product and packing

I would say: the market research done based on sales data also influences the product design, the way of packing and advertising the products.
william731   
Feb 19, 2013
Writing Feedback / Technology effects; making friends and communicate with one another is different [5]

Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development?

The rapid pace of development in technology has changed the way people communicate with each other. The essay intends to explore the changes and the negative impact that may be brought out.

Firstly, the prevalence of the Internet has induced the invention of online social networking platforms such as Facebook and Twitter. People nowadays spend a considerable amount of time surfing those websites and making comments on their friends' status, instead of talking with their friends face to face or even over telephone.

Moreover, the traditional ways of making friends have been transformed due to the emergence of those social platforms. In the past, people made friends by going to various functions such as student clubs or by introducing friends to friends. In the computerized world, people would rather make friends through online chat rooms and other communication software like MSN.

However, those technological advancement has posed certain degree of threats to the users. With the increased use of the Internet for the purpose of communicating, people are indulged in the cyber world and are reluctant to face the reality. Besides, people infrequently communicating face to face may result in poor social interpersonal skills. Another threat of Internet is that the virtual world is full of lies and scams. It is not a wise choice to meet a stranger through the network.

To conclude, technology has changed the methods how people make friends and communicate with one another. However, the potential hazards of it should not be ignored at any circumstance.

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