Writing Feedback / Reserve Readings - What did I do wrong in this essay? [7]


If you know that you have this problem, why not take steps to correct it? The point of writing is to communicate something. That point is lost if one's meaning is obscured by one's style.

Undergraduate / The meaning of 'community' - what this UPenn prompt is asking? [5]

Ah, you are being tripped up by a relatively recent usage of the plural form of "community" that has become common within the United States. At a large university such as UPenn, there will be many, many overlapping communities: The gay and lesbian community, the computer science community, the visual arts community, the Deaf community, etc, etc. These communities may be defined by shared activities, shared academic interests, or shared identities. So, here, "community" is being used in the broadest possible sense: a bounded group of people with some common interests and purposes.

Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]


There's an introduction discussing recent trends in poetry, and then there is a brief introduction before each poet's work, explaining how the poet and/or critics see that poet's work.

Undergraduate / The Tense Tour Guide (Short Answer for Common App) [4]

Hmm... I think you are doing with this essay what you initially did as a tour guide: using unnecessarily ornate language when much simpler phrasing would be much better. The story is great, but the first sentence is so elaborate that I could barely figure it out. Try again, using short simple sentences to tell this charming tale.

Undergraduate / Camp Merri-Mac (UF Essay...A meaningful experience) [2]

This is fine but a bit dull, mostly because of your propensity for padding your sentences with extra words.

For example:

as a brand new adventure to embark upon

learned what responsibility really means on a whole new level

The college experience, in my eyes, is intended to promote one's growth as an individual while being surrounded by and involved with many diverse groups of people .

Also, this essay is all telling with no showing. An illustrative anecdote would help.

Writing Feedback / 'Korean student died'; The advantage and disadvantage of the Internet [2]

In your conclusion, you list recommendations related to only two of your points. If you're going to list recommendations, they should reflect all of your points, in the order they were raised. So:

In conclusion, I think people should be wary of inaccurate information on the internet, ensure that it does not do any harm to you by being careful about private information, and balance the time spent using the Internet.

However, one-sentence paragraphs are not acceptable. Also, you conclusion does not cover the broader topic. So:

In conclusion, the internet has both advantages and disadvantages. To enjoy the advantages without being hurt by the disadvantages, I think people should be wary of inaccurate information on the internet, ensure that it does not do any harm to you by being careful about private information, and balance the time spent using the Internet.

Undergraduate / "RABBIT SISTER"--MY PERSONAL STATEMENT [10]

This is a delightful essay that is both insightful and well-worded. The title is perfect. The only problem I see is some occasional awkwardness in your phrasing -- You are perhaps not a native English speaker?

I'm going to make a few suggestions and I'm sure other members will too. Please do fix any grammatical errors that members identify. But please don't heavily rework the essay. Freshness is one of its strengths, and I would not like to see over-writing mar that.


"Somewhat" and "greatly" contradict each other.


"Conciliatory" would be a better word choice here.

Undergraduate / MIT Essay - Use of Creativity (Fashion) [3]


No, you need to briefly describe the organization and its aims for those who are unfamiliar with it.


"Initiatives and new ideas" is simultaneously redundant and vague. You need to be more specific.

How can you do that within your word limit? By editing out superfluous words, phrases, and sentences to make room for more vital material. For example:

I applied for and received the position ofbecame Business Director/President and immediately started planning the annual charity fashion show, the club's most significant event .

Even though there was a Creative Director in charge of the more artistic logistics of the show, I helped put together outfits and create a show line-up. I also compiled a list of songs for the show music and helped edit the DVD recording of the show.

Essays / Essay for my undergrad elective - Empirical vs logical validity [3]

Logical validity means, simply, that an argument makes logical sense.

Empirical validity means that there is some factual evidence in support of the argument.

So, "logical and empirical validity" is just a fancy way of saying "make sense and are supported by evidence."

Undergraduate / UIUC essay #1 about computer engineering [3]


If this is true, then you should be familiar with Raymond Kurzweil's concept of "the singularity" and say so. You should also write with more rigor about computer engineering, showing that your knowledge goes beyond that of a novice impressed by a computer's "speed and accuracy."

Undergraduate / Intellecutal Interest: Mathematics (Cornell Essay) [5]

I'd like to see you go deeper here. Your initial examples are good, but you should follow that up by showing (rather than telling) us that you are "a numbers person." Are there particular problems in mathematics or particular mathematical patterns in nature that intrigue you? How have you expressed your fascination with numbers so far? How do you expect to do so at Cornell?

Undergraduate / "My first time" - Common App Essay (significant experience) [7]

This is very strong, just a bit wordy at times. For example:

Her answering smile back allowed me to seetold me what she was thinking. I could tell
in her eyes thatS he knew I was nervous. She may not have known that this was the first time that I was competing on a

gymastics team, but She could tell thatI was trying my hardest to be majestic and fluent.

Next came the oh so dreaded cartwheel that I did not have a lot of experience with .

& etc.

Use the space you save by cutting such verbiage to say more about the impact of this experience on you.

Writing Feedback / Narrative essay / the street artist [5]

I like this story too. But I can't help but notice your over-reliance on the verb to be:

Every day, he was busy on the street drawing pictures of people for money. He was very talented. At noon, his wife Jolie delivered lunch to her beloved husband, although she was pregnant.

At the end of one day, on the way back home, William saw a paper nailed to a tree. It was a competition to draw a portrait of the king of England. As London was nearby, William decided to participate.

One month later, all the artists presented their drawings in London. The king was very impressed and delighted by William's drawing; he chose him as the winner and rewarded him his weight in gold and silver.

Undergraduate / Emigrating from India, my parents insisted that I work; COMMON APP - TRANSFER [6]

Between the compressed schedule of a summer-term course and the pressure of working full time,during the summer I found it difficult to find sufficient time for my studies .

Undergraduate / business and technology for China (educational interests and goals - UMN) [5]

No, you don't have to specify your major field of study, but it would be good if you could give some sense of your interests beyond the very vague "technology" -- which includes everything from tiny microchips to huge hydroelectric dams.

Undergraduate / Common Application - Election Speech [4]


I'm not sure how the incident led to that conclusion. You had trusted those upperclassmen and been wrong. So, how did lead you to trust your judgment? I can see how it would lead to improved self-confidence and a feeling of self-efficacy, but I cannot see how it led you to feel more trusting of your judgment.

In any event, this is a well-written narrative. I'm undecided on the question of whether this incident, which happened back in junior high school, is too "childish." I wonder what other forum members and contributors think about that.

I do know that you should avoid out-of-date slang phrases like "bug" for "bother." Also, "applause" is always singular.

Undergraduate / FSU CARE Program Essay; Frank Lloyd Wright once said... [4]


You mention being a first-generation college student. If there are other things about you that make you the sort of student for whom this program was designed, by all means mention them.

Undergraduate / MIT: 'Armageddon has arrived' - What for pleasure? & What to major in? [6]


This doesn't quite make sense. In the context of your very attention-grabbing introduction, it makes it seem as though you believe what you described is going to happen. That's not what you meant... right?

Undergraduate / Overcoming Domestic Violence - UC Transfer App [8]

This is a very strong essay that I believe speaks very well for your academic and personal characteristics. The writing is vivid and the story compelling. I'm sure that your readers will join me in appreciating your creativity and tenacity. I do question the last quote, though. Since domestic violence is mostly perpetrated by men on women, the idea that "man" will prevail gives me a sickly feeling in the context of your story. Find a strong quote by or about a woman or leave out the quote altogether.

Undergraduate / Elaborate on ONE of your activities (common application) (basketball) [14]


This is too wordy.


Ditto.

With the words you save paring down those and other wordy sentences, say more about what it is about basketball that attracts you.

Undergraduate / MIT Pleasure Essay & Field of Study Essay [3]

The first essay is strong, although I'd like to see you excise precious phrases like "a certain..."

The second essay is problematic. I'm not sure that you quite answer the question. I'd like you to find a way to say more about why you and the MIT architecture program are a good match.

To make room, excise this:


and this:


and this:

Grammar, Usage / Some sentence meaning questions [5]

Jin, I'm sorry, but I do not understand what you are asking. Do you want to know what "fear not" and the longer first sentence mean?

"Fear not" means "do not be afraid."

The first sentence is presumably referring to visiting Alaska. It states that if you become tired of staying inside the igloo (a kind of ice house), you can step outside and look up at the stars in the Aurora Borealis.

Undergraduate / Why Duke? (landscape, architecture, sports programs, and excellent academics) [3]

You've made the common mistake of taking the question too literally. Duke does not need you to tell them about Duke or describe the process of choosing a college. They want to know why you think that you are a good match for Duke. Start over, explaining what it is about Duke that makes it a good match for you in particular. Do not describe the grounds, as these make it attractive to everyone, not just you. Do not describe Duke's prestige, as this makes it attractive to everyone, not just you. Concentrate on the specific academic programs, courses of study, or extra-curricular activities that are attractive to you. Do so in a manner that draws the attention of the reader to your own attractive qualities, making it clear that you are Duke material.

Essays / Literary Topic or theme for my thesis: "slavery" or "prodigal man" [8]


Huh?? I'm so sorry, but this is absolutely nonsensical. I'm not disparaging your thesis. I'm saying that your thesis literally does not make sense as it is structured. The words together don't form a sensible thought. Can you say more clearly what it is that you want to say about this novel?

Writing Feedback / A licence to Write ? [11]


There is an ethereal quality to this piece that does not feel like the very Germanic English.

Me, I found myself impatient for you to do what you never did: get back to the "environment" of the opening and tell us what about it troubles you; delve into the inescapable effect of place on person.

But that's my preoccupation, and you were interested in your own: writing. Writing about writing is probably my least favorite kind of writing. So, take my report of impatience with this piece with that information in mind.

Undergraduate / business and technology for China (educational interests and goals - UMN) [5]


If they don't give you a limit, you don't have to worry about that.

I worry that this statement is too vague. In answer to the question, you essentially say only that you want to study engineering and business so that you can invent something and make money from it. I thought we were getting somewhere when you described your excitement in participating in the Climate Cool contest but, no, you were not heading towards telling us that you are interesting in the burgeoning new field of green engineering. But, no. So: Try to be more specific about the type(s) of engineering/technology that interest you.

Undergraduate / "What do you do for the pleasure of it?" MIT Short Answer [5]

I'm of two minds about this. It certainly is a vivid description of the process of weight-lifting. So, if you were hoping to show off your verbal skills, this is fine. On the other hand, by pouring all of your 100 words into the description of a single rep, you pass up the opportunity to say something more about yourself then the rather mundane "I work out to relax."

Writing Feedback / "Get an A, but no brain" - Cheating and plagiarism [12]

Let's all just breathe. Our contributors were justifiably vexed by being asked to make an incomplete essay PERFECT. Our new member was justifiably vexed by their snarky replies. My guess is that the new member's anxiety about this essay -- why, exactly, has s/he been asked to write this essay, one wonders? -- crept into the posting and its replies.


Come back anytime.

Writing Feedback / Rambo Verses the Boar; Descriptive Narrative Assignment [8]


I believe this is always true, not just "in many situations."

And Sean is right: Your ending is too tepid, particularly in light of your examples.

Writing Feedback / 'advantages outweigh annoyance' - people have a close friendship with their pets [5]


Right. This is a TOEFL essay, so let's look at grammar.


Revision:
Children can learn many things by playing with pets. Moreover, instead of feeling lonely and isolated, they feel happy.


Since everything happens in space-time, I'm going to assume you mean "spare time." So, revision:
Many people like talking to their pets as friends in their spare time; this helps them to reduce stress, tension, and anxiety.


Revision:
I ran immediately into my grandmother's bedroom. She was lying on the floor. We took her to the hospital. Thanks to my dog, we were able to save my grandmother's life.

Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

As a bicyclist myself, I'm heartened by your essay but share your dismay at the veto. (I'm tempted to say, "That's Texas for you" but I don't want any Texans coming after me angrily.)

In any case, I disagree with Boxin's edits. Making your arguments for this bill demonstrates your reasoning and rhetorical abilities. Don't forget to mention that the more of us who bike, the fewer of us are spewing CO2 from combustion engines!

Undergraduate / 'Finally!' - Common Application Essay (significant experience) [6]

That sounds like a fun day, but not exactly the kind of significant, life-shaping experience that belongs in an application essay. Your writing is fine and the narrative moves along nicely; it's just that the story isn't quite weighty enough to carry an essay.

Undergraduate / "What makes Stanford a good place for you?" - LAST STANFORD ESSAY [3]

What's the purpose of this essay? Obtaining readmission? Then you'd better explain why you left and what has changed.

Throughout the essay, you may the (very common) error of writing more about the school than yourself. They know how great they are. What they need to know is why they should admit you, what it is about you that makes you a good match for the school.

Keep some of this -- the memories of essay-writing and tower climbing are lively and evocative -- but replace most of it with more information about you and your circumstances.

Undergraduate / "well-rounded person" - FSU entrance essay [8]


Generally, it's not a good idea to begin an application essay with "I like to believe." It rings false, leading the reader to distrust what comes next.


Is that some sort of biosphere in which you will live while pursuing your studies? If not, you need to reword this so that it makes sense. You seem to be just throwing a lot of words and phrases -- environment, embodied, high standards -- together and hoping they will make a sentence.


Did he write that or say that? Check to be sure.

In summary, all that I get from this essay is that you are Christian and like to play sports. Because FSU is a public school, they can't favor Christians over people of other faiths. That leaves sports as the only thing you say about yourself that they might be able to use as a reason to accept you. Perhaps you could find some more specific things to say about yourself, your life, your achievements, or your aspirations?

Undergraduate / "to make it worth wild" - University of Central Florida Essay [8]


Ah, too bad you got to that one before me, Liebe. I was really looking forward to punning on the phrase while making that correction.

And yes, melyxoxo, you need to say more -- beyond the usual wanting to do well to make their sacrifices worthwhile -- about how your particular cultural and family history shaped you.

Undergraduate / Essay on Programming - Carnegie Mellon Supplement [4]


You have that part right. You peeked and were surprised. You remain impressed. The tense problem is earlier on, when you are telling the story of your award.

Writing Feedback / toefl -- success and luck [7]

Yes, I understand what you meant. But what you wrote was different. If you believe that luck is the second largest part of success, then that is what you must say directly in your introduction and again in your conclusion.

Undergraduate / "to expand these values" - Florida State Entrance Essay [5]

In this entire essay, you tell us three things about yourself: Your father had heart surgery; you like to play golf; and you go to church on Sunday. If you feel that these three things will make you an attractive candidate, submit this essay as it is with our best wishes. However, if you want to actually have a chance of gaining admission, then do not spend your entire essay explaining to FSU what it's own guiding philosophy means.

Start over. Before doing so, you may wish to peruse the plethora of FSU essays on this site, to give you an idea of your competition.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Albany Medical School Admissions Essay [3]

Malicious mountains?

You've got the makings of a very strong essay here. It is, as you say, quite long. You can cut it down to size by getting rid of the trite sayings with which you begin and end the piece and also by making the narrative tighter and less conversational.

One thing jumped out at me, distracting me throughout the essay. It was the idea that you all intended to "give moral lectures" to the villagers. One wonders why you thought that would be necessary or even acceptable to do. The hubris! As if material poverty somehow makes people spiritually impoverished! As if the civic and religious leaders of those communities could not give their own moral lectures! As if your "gifts" of shoes came with a price tag: If you want shoes, then swallow your pride and listen to strangers lecture you on morals.

Maybe you didn't think that through. Maybe you did, after, but didn't mention it here. My advice? If you believe you are now cosmopolitan, then either take out the reference to the moral lectures or -- even better -- explain why you now know that's not the way to render aid to people living in poverty.

Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

There is no hard and fast rule about this. Whether or not contractions are allowed depends upon the purpose, audience, and voice of the essay. Admissions essays are written in first person and thus somewhat less formally phrased than scholarly essays. Contractions such as your first example are allowed, especially if the avoidance of the contraction would lead to something that sounds awkward.

I prefer the non-contracted version of your second example, however. That's because you switched from "it is" to "it seems," which is more precise and more active.