Undergraduate / "to make it worth wild" - University of Central Florida Essay [8]


Ah, too bad you got to that one before me, Liebe. I was really looking forward to punning on the phrase while making that correction.

And yes, melyxoxo, you need to say more -- beyond the usual wanting to do well to make their sacrifices worthwhile -- about how your particular cultural and family history shaped you.

Undergraduate / Essay on Programming - Carnegie Mellon Supplement [5]


You have that part right. You peeked and were surprised. You remain impressed. The tense problem is earlier on, when you are telling the story of your award.

Writing Feedback / toefl -- success and luck [7]

Yes, I understand what you meant. But what you wrote was different. If you believe that luck is the second largest part of success, then that is what you must say directly in your introduction and again in your conclusion.

Undergraduate / "to expand these values" - Florida State Entrance Essay [5]

In this entire essay, you tell us three things about yourself: Your father had heart surgery; you like to play golf; and you go to church on Sunday. If you feel that these three things will make you an attractive candidate, submit this essay as it is with our best wishes. However, if you want to actually have a chance of gaining admission, then do not spend your entire essay explaining to FSU what it's own guiding philosophy means.

Start over. Before doing so, you may wish to peruse the plethora of FSU essays on this site, to give you an idea of your competition.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Albany Medical School Admissions Essay [5]

Malicious mountains?

You've got the makings of a very strong essay here. It is, as you say, quite long. You can cut it down to size by getting rid of the trite sayings with which you begin and end the piece and also by making the narrative tighter and less conversational.

One thing jumped out at me, distracting me throughout the essay. It was the idea that you all intended to "give moral lectures" to the villagers. One wonders why you thought that would be necessary or even acceptable to do. The hubris! As if material poverty somehow makes people spiritually impoverished! As if the civic and religious leaders of those communities could not give their own moral lectures! As if your "gifts" of shoes came with a price tag: If you want shoes, then swallow your pride and listen to strangers lecture you on morals.

Maybe you didn't think that through. Maybe you did, after, but didn't mention it here. My advice? If you believe you are now cosmopolitan, then either take out the reference to the moral lectures or -- even better -- explain why you now know that's not the way to render aid to people living in poverty.

Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

There is no hard and fast rule about this. Whether or not contractions are allowed depends upon the purpose, audience, and voice of the essay. Admissions essays are written in first person and thus somewhat less formally phrased than scholarly essays. Contractions such as your first example are allowed, especially if the avoidance of the contraction would lead to something that sounds awkward.

I prefer the non-contracted version of your second example, however. That's because you switched from "it is" to "it seems," which is more precise and more active.

Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

Sean's taste in poetry are conservative. It's good to study meter and the like, but you should also expose yourself to new trends in poetry. Are you in the States? There's an excellent new anthology called American Hybrid, which offers a broad selection of contemporary poetry in all its myriad forms.

Writing Feedback / motherhood and father hood [4]

I can't predict a score, but I think you are in good shape to pass.


We're in the 21st century now!

Essays / help with an essay on personality characteristics [6]

This sounds like a psychology assignment, and a pretty basic one at that. Do you have a textbook? If so, then I am guessing that your instructor would like you to use the personality theories covered in that text. If the instructor has lectured on the subject, consider the theories covered in those lectures. It's hard for us to suggest which theoretical models or concepts for you to mention without knowing which have been covered in your class. The five-factor model? Psychoanalytic theory? Maslow's research on self-actualizing individuals? What?

Essays / MAJOR HELP REQUIRED [Perception Vs. Perspective] [6]

We need to know for what course you will be writing this essay. Psychology? Art? Physiology? Sociology? Your topics and focus will differ depending on that.

Undergraduate / Essay on Programming - Carnegie Mellon Supplement [5]

I keep getting stuck on the image of the man with bread for hair. Surreal! Or, did you mean "braided"?

Overall, this is a very strong essay. You clearly have the computer science credentials and, as a South Asian woman, will help the school meet its goal of increasing the participation of women in computer science. Just watch out for verb tense. You go back and forth between past and present tense in your introductory anecdote. You probably want to use present tense to add a sense of immediacy, but it ends up just sounding like a grammatical error. Use past tense throughout that anecdote and whenever you are writing of the past.

Essays / Literary Topic or theme for my thesis: "slavery" or "prodigal man" [8]

I am completely confused by your question. You say that the title of your essay confuses you. Did you not choose the title yourself? Why have you not shared it with us? If you were given a title by an instructor and do not understand it, you need to tell us the title in order for us to be able to help you.

Similarly, you seem to be wondering which novel or novels you could read in order to write an essay on that title, but we still don't know the title, so how can we help?

Unless the two topics you mention -- slavery and prodigal man -- are your possible titles. If you would like to read a novel concerning slavery, try Beloved by Toni Morrison, which is widely available.

Writing Feedback / toefl -- success and luck [7]

People always ask how to succeed.S ome think success comes from hard work, while the others think it comes from luck.


Two points here: (1) I notice you use the word "accede" quite frequently. Congratulations on knowing that word, but you should know that it is used very infrequently by native speakers. (2) In general, your essays should not be self-referential. Don't refer back to your own sentences or paragraphs. In this instance, doing so is particularly problematic because you actually disagree with the second idea in the previous sentence, not a separate sentence.

Overall, I am confused by this essay. You seem at first to be saying that you disagree with the notion that luck leads to success. But then you claim that luck is the largest part of success. You need to state your thesis clearly and unambiguously in your opening paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay: A Dog's Best Friend. [5]

This is a very moving story. Fresh from my own experience of grief at the loss of a canine companion, I find it hard to read. I'm glad that you wrote it, though, because putting such things into words can be a healing process.

Now that you've got it on paper, you need to clean up the grammar. I'll give a few pointers, and I'm sure that others will jump in to do the same.


You have a mismatch here between your prepositional phrase and the main clause. The initial phrase suggests that the subject of the sentence will be the dog, not you. Strictly speaking, this is a dangling modifier, because the individual described in the clause does not appear. Look back at the second sentence of my first paragraph. See how the subject of the main clause is also the subject of the prepositional phrase? That's what you need to make sure is always true when you use a descriptive clause to start a sentence.


This is a sentence fragment. I suspect that you used a fragment for emphasis, as we do in conversation, but you may find that whoever is reading or assessing this essay does not approve.

Writing Feedback / discuss advantages and disadvantages of building a new shopping center [4]

Avoid passive statements such as "it is commented " and "it is believed," because these do nothing other than add words to your sentences, thereby increasing the probability of grammatical or punctuation errors. If a particular person or group of people believes or has said something, say that. Mostly, you will find that you don't need the phrase at all. For example, you say "it is believed that new construction can destroy landscapes." That's not just believed by some unidentified people; that's true. So, you can just say "new construction can destroy landscapes."

Overall, I notice that you are still struggling with when to add "s" to the ends of words:

To begin with, when a new shopping center built, it attracts more people from other neighborhoods come there. AndA s a result, the air becomes more polluted by smoke and noise from the engines of shoppers' individual vehicles: smokes and noise from engines .

Graduate / Improving the Legal System in Azerbaijan (law school statement of purpose) [4]


Besides being wordy, this does not belong at the beginning of the essay. Start with your own narrative and conclude with your purpose. State your purpose more directly than this.

In your first essay, the narrative is strong. You do tend toward wordy and passive constructions, but this is not uncommon in law, so probably your readers will be used to it. However, I would advise you to get rid of empty platitudes such as "Life has been a great leveller and the best teacher."

Your second essay, the study plan, needs to be much more concise. Also, that essay should be prefaced by a one-sentence summary of the plan, which you will then elaborate in the remainder of the essay.

Writing Feedback / A formal education is the problem of my hometown - I would try to eliminate it [6]

In my view, lack of formal education is a problem of my hometown.

...does not have enough professional personnel, appropriate places for studying,or instructional facilities to support learning.

In the second place, there are few suitable places for people to study.

In my hometown, classrooms do not haveno ample educational equipment, such as a computer system, slide projector, or video playerserves as a basis to giveaidto in-class studying such as a slide projector and a video player .

As this last edit demonstrates, you have a tendency to make your sentences unnecessarily wordy. Always say what you mean as directly as possible. Say "to" rather than "in order to," "helps" rather than "gives help to," etc., etc.

Undergraduate / Common App - Influential Person (My teacher and the Humanities [4]

This is short, simple, and heartfelt. I like it for those reasons, but it could be stronger and longer. Avoid vague modifiers like "really" and "very." Add more details about Mr.Weamer: Bring him to life on the page. Also, be sure to mention at least one novel or other art work to which he introduced you. Finally, my initial reading of the essay was skewed by your use of the word "expressionism," which is a style of art... I kept waiting for you to go to the museum to discover it. I'm thinking you mean "expressiveness" or "self-expression" instead.

Graduate / Master's in Marine Science - Graduate Statement of Purpose [3]

No, no... the beginning image is perfect. You just need to make it even more vivid by using action verbs.

Indeed, this essay is very strong as a whole but will be even stronger if you go through and ask "could I use an action verb instead?" every time you have used the verbs "to be" or "to have."

Writing Feedback / 'I would like to live in a big city' - For Toefl writting - need a score [7]

Sorry. Can't give you a score. Would you like some feedback instead?

Dissertations / Need a topic for ph.d in retail management / fashion sector [10]


Right. And when choosing a dissertation topic it is essential to choose a topic of true interest to oneself. Otherwise, one will be at risk of dropping the project mid-stream due to disinterest. I heard somewhere that as many as half of all PhD students never get their doctorates specifically because they do not finish their dissertations.

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

In general, if you are trying to become competent in a new language, you should start writing in that language as soon as you have mastered the basics sufficiently to be able to do that. Writing in one's first language and then translating almost always leads to awkward prose that sounds more like the original language than the new language. This is because languages use not only different words but different sentence structures.

Book Reports / "catcher in the rye" - thesis statement [6]

I guess that means that the thesis statement fulfills the requirement of being "debatable"!

I'm with Boxin, though. I do think that those three phrases function as motifs, but I think that they express the character and preoccupations of Holden rather than his confusion and frustration.

Writing Feedback / Critique my essay; American Sports : Sportsmanship or to win at any cost [12]

Unfortunately, becoming competent in a new language is a time-intensive process. You're just going to have to put in the time.

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

Perhaps you have some favorite books or poems to which you could look for a quotation? Another benefit of doing it this way is that you are unlikely to choose a quotation that has been used by many other students.

Writing Feedback / Skill is more important than a theory, but without any experience - knowledge, it fails. [10]

If you can exercise enough discipline to write very simple sentences, avoiding the awkward phrases you seem to favor, I think you can pass the TOEFL. Just keep it very simple. Do not try to be ornate or conversational.

Writing Feedback / Toefl--- fossil fuels will soon be replaced? [7]

Yes, that would make more sense.

Essays / I am having trouble differentiating between several terms needed for an essay [5]

It depends on in what field and for what purpose you are writing the review. In general, for papers in the hard and social sciences, a literature review provides an overview of the classic and recent scholarly literature related to the subject of the paper. Some studies may merit only a mention in a list of studies that proved (or disproved) this or that. Others may merit a sentence or even a paragraph of their own.

For a literature review of any length, you will need to organize the literature reviewed into topics or categories. How to do this will not be evident until you have read all of the literature in question and reviewed your notes. Then you can decide whether to order your literature review chronologically, topically, or according to the type of research performed. For example, a literature review on the treatment of schizophrenia might go from the time that the disorder was first named to the present day, with sub-headers for times when particular treatment paradigms were dominant. Or, it might be organized according to type of treatment (psychotherapy, medication, etc.). Or, it might be organized by type of research (case studies, experiments, etc.).

You may elect to assess and discuss each work as it is mentioned or hold off on doing this until after reviewing all of the literature at hand. Only after reviewing the literature may you assess and discuss the literature as a whole, offering your own assessment of the overall trends.

Writing Feedback / Summary/Response: Kant's Public and Private Use of Reason [4]

You deserve credit for attempting to apply Kant's conception of public and private reason to a modern question. However, I see two broad problems with this essay. First, and deepest, I'm not sure you understand the distinction Kant made. You seem to be assuming that "private reason" means the private thoughts of any individual. Kant spoke of "private reason" in specific juxtaposition to the "public reason" used by rulers, administrators, and other public figures to justify or explain their actions. Thus, the public/private distinction doesn't quite apply to individuals who do not act in such functions, as all of their reasoning is private.

But perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps you have a line of reasoning that clearly explains why Kant's public/private distinction does, in fact, apply to private citizens such as those who listen to the controversial music in question. And that brings us to the second problem I see with this essay: Your line of reasoning is not clearly stated. You do a wonderful job of providing background information, so much so that your line of philosophical thought gets lost.

Try this: State simply and clearly: (a) a summary of Kant's notion of public versus private reason; (b) the reasons why this applies to the question at hand; and (c) what we can conclude by applying Kant's notion of public versus private reason to the question at hand. Then, put this succinct summary of your reasoning into your introduction, just after you draw the reader in with your description of musical controversies.

Undergraduate / From a public school to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school - I need a simile [10]

Did you really cry hysterically? Was your heartbeat really deafeningly loud? Did you truly feel unadulterated fear? If that's true, you may not want to disclose it, as it seems a rather exaggerated response to an unpleasant but not exactly terrifying situation. If it's not true, you may want to rein in the hyperbole.

Undergraduate / Schreyer Honors College , Number 3 among the 3 questions that you have to submit [4]

I'm sorry. I don't want to demoralize you, but I cannot make much sense of this essay. You used to like photographs. At some point in time, you worked more hours than is normal. At some point in time, you did poorly in school for a while and felt bad about that. At some point in time -- recently?? -- you went to Michigan, liked the air, and -- for some incomprehensible reason -- measured a slide. Somehow, this slide was only the length of your leg, which (unless you are extremely tall) wouldn't even be long enough for a small child to enjoy. Your best friend in kindergarten was blind.

I think that the problem here is sequence. This essay seems to jump around in time so often that I can't keep track of the narrative. It reads more like a dream -- a succession of images -- then an essay.

Writing Feedback / the way to achieve good health and fitness in modern society [2]

I'm trying to figure out how you've managed to post two essays while only giving feedback -- and not very useful feedback -- to one other forum member. According to our rules, you ought to post helpful replies to two other members for every essay that you post.

Your grammar is very rough right now. I understand this may lead you to feel uncomfortable giving grammatical advice to others. But you can -- and should -- comment on the content of essays written by other forum members.


Revision: We can lose our money, clothes, or housing and we still will survive. Without health, we cannot live.


Therefore, some people believe that we should participate in sports, eat well, and use preventative medicine to maintain health.

Essays / Expository Essay on Non Familial Love [2]

So, you are using a cause-and-effect model, arguing that trust, protection, and companionship lead to love? Unless your teacher has said otherwise, you can start with a description, an anecdote, or a description but -- either way -- you probably should announce your thesis at the end of the first paragraph. Then use each of the subsequent three paragraphs to explore trust, protection, and companionship as these manifested in your relationship and led to love.

Undergraduate / common appl short answer on martial arts [6]

"Pretty" is a weak modifier. Choose something stronger for your first sentence, which needs to make an impact. Otherwise, this short piece is fine for its purpose.

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Henry V Paragraph (received a 65% on it) [8]

Right away, we know that the teacher is a jerk due to the points subtraction for "Act Three, Scene Six" instead of "3.6." First, it's perfectly acceptable -- and, in my view, preferable -- to write it as you did and, second, even if this were some sort of hard-and-fast rule in Shakespeare scholarship, it's not like MLA or APA style, which students really must master moving forward. So, really, there's no reason other than pettiness to subtract points for such a thing.

Looking at what you shared, the only problem I can see is that your first sentence doesn't quite do what the instructions say the first sentence ought to do.

Writing Feedback / "All Cultures Are Created Equal" - Is this categorized as an analytical paper? [3]


The "however" and "these" in this sentence makes it seem to be referring back to the previous sentence, in which you reference Silko and Collins. But Silko and Collins do not assert superiority.

This kind of structural incoherence characterizes this essay. You've got a number of defensible points (although I personally would challenge some of them) but no coherent structure. What's your thesis, exactly? Are you able to state it and then summarize for yourself the specific points you make in defense of it? Do that and then organize those points into some sort of logical order. Place your paragraphs in that order, writing transitions as needed. Make sure that your introduction and conclusion are consistent with one another.

If you're wondering what I dispute about your thesis, it's the idea that all cultures are equivalent. While all people certainly are created equal, cultures are shaped by the ecological and historical circumstances in which they arise and evolve. Hence, some cultures are violent while others are pacific. Some are relatively egalitarian while others are stratified in ways that are very hurtful to sub-sets of people within them. I don't think it does anybody any favors to pretend this isn't true.

Graduate / Mating Rituals in the Wild (Addmission essay for MS is biology) [3]


Cut these two sentences. Begin instead with a vivid description of an awe-inspiring moment you experienced while doing field-work. Then go on as you do.

You have all of the rudiments of an adequate application essay here. You describe your interests and state your purpose adequately. I keep saying "adequate" because that is all it is. To make it more than just adequate, bring the passion that you have for ornithology and for teaching into your prose by using action verbs and more vivid modifiers.

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

Oh, heavens! Your purpose was evident the moment you were born? You came into the world beautiful? You'll be writing history? This goes well beyond cocky and into the realm of stratospheric egotism.


Yes, because I did the same. You're smart, obviously, but not so special as you imagine. But my main point in selecting this quote is that here you are cooing over yourself as a parent would coo over their child.

You seem to be a quite bright, creative, and ethical person. Those traits will be evident to others if you write about yourself and your interests. You don't have to constantly draw our attention to them and you absolutely must not posit yourself as so very, very special (even if that's what you secretly believe). Seriously: Tone it down. Use the space where you now sing your own praises to share more information that demonstrates the qualities you would like the reader to perceive in you.

Undergraduate / QB: Traveling & Running [4]

I think that the first essay fits the second prompt best. It's very colorful, but watch out for a tendency to "over write" -- to be too wordy while showing off your writing skills.

I have only one quibble with that essay:


"Hispanics" is rather too large a population to be characterized as being any particular way, including loving and generous. In other words: Positive stereotypes are stereotypes too; all should be avoided.

The second essay is fine, but not as strong. I dislike your over-use of the "is not" formulation in that one.

Still, overall, this is a strong set of essays. I look forward to seeing the third.

Undergraduate / Why GWU, Any comments? [4]

College. Every single college has something special to offer its students in their own way. Whether it is academics, social life, or an entire experience, every college has something to offer. The experience at college is an experience that many frequently reflect on and cherish in many years after it.

Seriously, do you think the admissions officers at GWU need you to say any of this? Does it tell them anything they don't already know? More to the point, does it tell them anything about you?


Besides being grammatically incorrect, this again says nothing at all about you. Presumably, every applicant is applying to this particular school because, after searching around, they decided it met their criteria.

I think that, perhaps, you are taking the question "Why GWU?" too literally. They don't need you to tell them how great they are. They know! What they need to know from you is why you are a good match for them. What about you makes GWU the right school for you?

At least you invested only a couple of hours in this first try. Start over.