Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by melramadhani
Joined: Sep 4, 2014
Last Post: Dec 28, 2014
Threads: 16
Posts: 46  
Likes: 6

Displayed posts: 62 / page 1 of 2
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
melramadhani   
Dec 28, 2014
Undergraduate / 'resource limitation has always been a problem for me' - New York City - Why Columbia [8]

how about this?

--

New York City.

Being from a small city in a developing country, resource limitation has always been a problem for me. I had to self-train my debate team because there was no hire-able coach. My peers and I had to find private sponsors to conduct activities. I had to self-train for science olympiads as there was no hire-able expert; with only 4 months to learn everything from zero, it took me hard effort to go to the National Science Olympiad in Informatics.

My school has limited resources as well: there are no proper laboratory, library, and fields - we have to rent a nearby warehouse for parking and use nearby military's sports field to exercise. Simply put, we have to strive more than people from bigger cities to gain the same result. For students from my school, behind every victories and accomplishments, there were sleepless nights, sunday workings... and multiple failures, as we went on trial-and-error basis.

The vast resources in NYC and Columbia lures me; I won't find any problem in finding resources. There are several labs and centers in Columbia that interest me, such as Center for Computational Learning Systems and Computational Optimization Research Center. Besides having a chance to conduct researches with world-class faculty and facility in Columbia University, I can also practice the knowledge I gained directly to the real world, since NYC has place for almost every imaginable field. The very diverse, multicultural community of Columbia University and NYC will give additional points of view to take approach from and ensure that my future discoveries and inventions will not contradict certain values, which will prevent them to be applied to the real world.

There are few other world-class universities, but only Columbia University has the advantages of New York City.
melramadhani   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / Informatics Olympiad Prep Camp, how I became interested in Comp. Science [2]

For applicants to The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Member Questions section. (300 words or less)

--

Before the Provincial Science Olympiad Preparation Camp in May, computer science was just another field to try. But then I found it to be my passion, the field that I would love to be engaged in for my entire life.

The first time I arrived, I thought the camp would be cramming and boring. It was indeed a cramming camp, as I was learning from almost zero, but my newly-discovered passion in Computer Science turned every bit of boredom into excitement. I learned about knapsack, dynamic programming, and other algorithms - difficult puzzles that demanded to be resolved. I found that solving the problemsets and generalizing the solutions into algorithms as challenging task. As a polyglot, I found joy in translating my solutions into a new foreign language : Pascal, then C++.

Hours of classes passed by as I became absorbed in my courses, and still I spent another hours to study on myself. As I learned more, imaginery of things that I could create with piles of boolean values sparked. I learned the strong resemblance of brain and program: pedalling bike to school was a recursive process, reading book was inputting data, intelligence is a nested function-how would that function be written in computer language?

I discovered that Artificial Intelligence was not merely to be applied in robots. Without realizing it, AI is everywhere : social networks, games, and other automated programs. I started to imagine the algorithms behind programs that I use; something that I previously took for granted.

In the end, I made it to the National Science Olympiad. Unfortunately, my morning coffee betrayed me-it made my heart beat too fast on one of the test days, thus I couldn't concentrate. I failed. Nevertheless, computer science, especially AI, remain as my primary wonder until now.
melramadhani   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / basic-yet-profound message - "Why do you want to enter medicine?" Amherst Essay [4]

I didn't understand the prompt well, as you cut it in pieces, so I can't work aout how this essay relate to the prompt. I know Amherst's prompts are lengthy, but you can summarize them to make it clear.

Yet I think your essay is pretty appealing and concise, enjoyable to read, yet still maintain the level of writing and word usages that Amherst unofficially seeks. Your essay doesn't seem to be coming out straight from thesaurus, although I had to check some words in my dictionary.

A minor mistake : "rumah sakit" means "hospital", thus you should write "Cahaya Kawaluyan Hospital" instead of "Rumah Sakit Cahaya Kawaluyan Hospital" (that's a major redundancy).

By the way, how could you volunteer at hospital? Did you apply yourself, or you were organized by certain institution? I live in Indonesia too, and volunteering is not common here.
melramadhani   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / "Today you are the daughter of the trucker. Tomorrow, I'll be the father of the lawyer." [2]

Honestly, your essay is great and enjoyable. The language is clear, concise, and flows dynamically. Unlike many other essays that I have read, I didn't feel the urge to skip sentences because I enjoyed every words of it. I can imagine your parents warring each other everyday :D

You provided a clear picture about your parents. However, I didn't catch a clear picture about your identity. Try to reduce your parents' portion and enhance yours; this essay should be about you.

Anyway, your last sentence "Goodnight dad, I'll see you tomorrow" was a stroke of genius.
Good luck and have a nice holiday. Please help with mine as well :)
melramadhani   
Dec 27, 2014
Undergraduate / 'resource limitation has always been a problem for me' - New York City - Why Columbia [8]

Prompt : Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why. (300 words or less)

--

New York City.

Being from a small city in a developing country, resource limitation has always been a problem for me. I had to self-train my debate team because there's no hire-able coach. I and my peers had to find private sponsors to conduct activities. I had to self-train for science olympiads as there was no hire-able expert; with only 4 months to learn everything from zero, it took me hard effort to go to the National Science Olympiad in Informatics.

[...]
melramadhani   
Dec 26, 2014
Undergraduate / Speak up. Don't be so shy. Be more assertive. Come out of your shell - I hear it alot... [5]

I like this essay, this is very honest and personal. However, I agree with admission2012 that you didn't tell clearly what your failure was.

I think this essay will fit more in prompts about identity / background story, as it is too general to be told in a prompt that asks for a single failure.

Maybe you can re-arrange this essay by starting with a story about a particular failure due to your introverted nature (ex : failed presentation), then how you learned about your introverted nature (that you did all these things in the wrong way by trying to fit in), then how you optimized your introverted nature to bring you success.

I hope it helps. Good luck and happy holiday :)
melramadhani   
Dec 26, 2014
Undergraduate / The "helpee-oriented" conception - activity essay for Vandy [6]

Honestly, this is a good, appealing essay. Unfortunately, you put this essay in the wrong prompt. This essay should answer prompts that ask you to describe a particular event that affects you, while the prompt asks you to tell about an activity that you do regularly. It means that your story should be more general and wide.

You can try to recycle this idea by explaining about the sister-city exchange program, your activities and role, and your contribution in general. I do feel sorry that this essay doesn't answer the prompt, as I really like the essay. I wish there's another prompt that you can answer with this essay.

I hope I help, and good luck :)
melramadhani   
Nov 29, 2014
Undergraduate / Surviving limited resources in Madiun [2]

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

Madiun, my city, has very limited resources : no good university, no accessible public library; it doesn't even have public transport. My school is either : no proper laboratories, no budget for conducting events, and almost no sport facility.

Independence is the common trait that most students in my school have developed in order to survive under the limited resources that we have. For us, lack of resources doesn't mean lack of achievement. No laboratories and expert trainer does not mean that we cannot win science olympiads. No sport facility doesn't mean that we cannot be good athletes. No coach doesn't mean that my debate team cannot win.

However, there are certain things that we still cannot achieve, such as international science olympiad medals. What chance do we have compared to those who have resources? I can go to National Science Olympiad in Informatics with only 4 months of programming experience, but to win and go to IOI, what chance do I have compared to those who had learned robotics since kindergarten?

The failures that I have endured due to the limited resource has given me my utmost objective : my community should have better resources than I, so they can reach their maximum potentials. My sisters, future children, and neighbors should have the chance to win IOI and the likes. As for me, my chances for international medals are already gone, but excellence is still up there to reach.

(word count : 240)
melramadhani   
Nov 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Debate Team that I built from scratch [3]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences that was particularly meaningful to you. (About 150 words)
---

In my junior year, I established Debate Team and became the first chairman.

I found it hard to build a winning team from scratch. When I looked for a debate coach in the beginning of junior year, I couldn't find any, while none of teachers in my school had capacity in debate. We self-coached.

In our first tournament, we didn't even make it through the qualification round despite we'd been self-trained and researched for weeks. Fortunately, the adjudicators told us how a debate should be, which became our guide in our next tournaments. Since then, we started winning, with experience as our only coach.

Until now, the team still doesn't have expert coach. However, I've given my juniors the foundations in debate strategies. I couldn't be happier to see the juniors that I trained now have won many tournaents and become one of the best debate team in the region.

(word count : 150)
---

Does it answer the question? Do I sound self-absorbed? Any suggestion?
Thank you!
melramadhani   
Nov 25, 2014
Undergraduate / Spoils of Hard Work - Pitzer Supplement [2]

Hi!

Your essay is generally good, but you should mention the core value of Pitzer that you've been engaged by your activity and linkback your experience to it. People here will be able to give you proper advice, and the admission committee will understand you better.

I hope I helped!
melramadhani   
Nov 22, 2014
Undergraduate / The world I come from : small city / digital world (Two ideas - choice) - MIT [6]

Prompt :Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250)

This is for MIT. I have two ideas, would you tell me which one is better? Or, do you have better ideas?
Thank you!

--
Idea 1 :
My parents wanted me to be a doctor very much. Here, being a doctor is a dream profession, honorable yet prosperous, but extremely hard to finance for government-paid teachers like my parents. They always encouraged me that I would reach the top 2% of students in Indonesia, so I can get scholarship to medicine schools. Whenever my father returned from taking his students to university visits, my father always gave me medicine school memorabilia : keychains, posters, brochures, etc.

Being a doctor had been my dream and life orientation for years, as it was the only objective I knew. When I was in TV interview for my highest national examination score, I didn't have any other answer when I was asked about my dream.

However, the limit of dream is the world you see. As my world expanded through internet, my dream also expanded. I discovered that researching something new and cool is more interesting than simply prescribing patients with medicines I already know. I found my interest in computer and tons of resources to satisfy it (tutorials, online courses, etc.). I found that many things I previously thought impossible is possible. Even my applying to MIT now wouldn't be possible if I hadn't found the blog of a MIT student from Indonesia, as MIT seemed to be out of my reach. Internet also shaped my view the most through online resources and discussions.

So, that's the world I come from : the online world.

--
Idea 2 :
I live in Madiun, a city consisted of about 300,000 people, which I surprisingly felt small in high school. I couldn't find a coach for my debate team, while none of my english teachers had capability in debate. My school couldn't find a trainer for informatics olympiad. These conditions taught me to be a good fighter and manager, but I still wish that I lived in bigger city with bigger opportunities.

The feeling struck me most when I'm applying to American colleges, pursuing my dream; I have absolutely no resource and reference except the internet. I have to fill "I can't find my school" in ACT and SAT registration forms because nobody from my city have taken them before. I have to train my teachers about the online application system, as none of them have done it before. So far, being under small resources indeed reduces my chance.

But being under small resources drives me to be the best in my field, so I can bring resources to my community. I don't want my sisters, my future children, and my future member of my community feel the same dilemma in the pursuit of their dreams.
melramadhani   
Nov 22, 2014
Undergraduate / I come from a world of fantasy - The World that inspired me is the Anime World. [7]

Hi,

I'm not an expert in this, but I think your essay is beautiful.
However, what the prompt is asking is not something that insipres you, but your community / place / situation you come from. Your fondness of anime might not be the answer that is expected by the prompt. If you have anime community, you can tell about that, modifying some part of this essay.

I hope I helped!
melramadhani   
Nov 22, 2014
Undergraduate / Studying here is a distinctive opportunity that many enlightened-mind students dream of [3]

Hi Issam!

Overall, I think your essay is good, stating work experience and stuffs, but there's nothing else that I could comment as this is not my field. You seen to put this essay in the wrong category, as you're going to apply for M.Sc program. Also, you should state the name of the university, so people here can give you proper suggestion based on what the university wants.

I hope I helped!
melramadhani   
Nov 17, 2014
Undergraduate / Going abroad, my lifelong dream [3]

MIT - Tell us about the world you come from, how it shaped your dream and aspiration. (200 - 250)
--
Going abroad is my lifelong dream that guided my life so far.

Going abroad is a symbol of wealth in Indonesia, something out of my family's reach. I grew up in Lombok, a tourist island where people from all over the world arrive and leave everyday. I made some foreign friends and felt envy; why can't I go abroad and explore the world?

When internet started to penetrate people's life in 5th grade, I learned to use it to explore places I wanted to go. The world 'scholarship' popped in my mind, as it is the fastest way to go abroad. I often spent hours (and the money for a week) googling 'full scholarship [country name]' for hours.

As I grew up and discover the wonder of science, my pursuit of scholarships abroad became no longer about going abroad alone. It grew to be a pursuit towards excellence, as there are few science developments in Indonesia. Here, universties are built to prepare youths for labor, not to understand the universe. I want to learn and research, not for the sake of getting high salary, but learning itself. I became no longer satisfied with formulas alone without actual forms in textbooks. In 11th grade, I independently studied precalculus just for satisfying my curiosity. I found myself unsuited with the education system in Indonesia; I have to study abroad.

MIT is my dream campus; I want to research with Prof. Poggio, Prof. Gifford, and turn the great dome into giant doraemon.

--

does this answer the prompt? Tnanks
melramadhani   
Nov 17, 2014
Undergraduate / My belief, that Indonesians are not inferior in science, has been proven by my own bestfriend. MIT [5]

how about this?
--

Tell us about the world you come from, how did it shape your dreams and aspiration?

I live in Madiun, a city consisted of about 200,000 people, which I surprisingly felt small in high school. I couldn't find a coach for my debate team, while none of my english teachers had capability in debate. I couldn't find a college lecturer to train me for informatics olympiad. These conditions taught me to be a good fighter and manager, but I still wish that I lived in bigger city with bigger opportunities.

The feeling struck me most when I'm applying to American colleges, pursuing my dream; I have no resource and reference except the internet. I have to fill "I can't find my school" in ACT and SAT registration forms because nobody from my city have taken them before. I have to train my teachers about the online application system, as none of them have done it before. I wake up at 2 a.m. everyday to find time for essay writing as I still have many homeworks to do, the school is still running.

But I'm surrounded by dreamers : my mother, my father, and my bestfriend Eric. Both of my parents had to finance their college education by themselves. Eric, although he has autism, is the first Madiunese to go to NTU, Singapore, one of the best university in the world. People around me made me believe that I can achieve my dreams, that efforts will eventually be paid off.
melramadhani   
Nov 15, 2014
Undergraduate / My belief, that Indonesians are not inferior in science, has been proven by my own bestfriend. MIT [5]

I live in Indonesia. Here, the school (public school) you can go depends on your previous school and examination grades.

For my high school education, I go to SMAN 2 Madiun, where the brightest students from the region gather. There's competition atmosphere to earn stellar credentials to be accepted in ITB, the Indonesian version of MIT, or other top-tier universities. Grades are extremely hard to earn; the teachers put higher standards since the students are mostly straight-A's in their previous schools. Everyone strives.

Most of my school's graduates go to Indonesia's best universties. However, going to world's best universities is generally considered far from reach, mostly because of the common disparaging stereotype that Indonesians are inferior than other nationalities in science, which I have never let myself to believe. Being a world-class scientist has been my dream since I was 5, the first time I watched Discovery Channel. The prospect of researching and inventing things fascinated me even until now. As far as history has proven, except Einstein, one has to get world-class education to be a world-class scientist, so I have to go to world-class university with rich research resources.

My belief, that Indonesians are not inferior in science, has been proven by my own bestfriend Eric. Formerly ranked 100th in his class, he's now studying Computer Science in NTU, Singapore, one of the best in the world. He can be the first Madiunese to go to NTU, why can't I be the first to go to MIT?

--
1. Does it answer the question?
2. Who am I based on the essay?

Please consider keeping the explanation about my school in your review, because I have to explain why my grades are not A's (this is MIT :D). Just for overview, I alwaysget the highest score in my city for national exam since in elementary school, now rank 1st in my class, but my average grade is only about 87. I'd get stellar grades in other schools, but I didn't think about applying to MIT when I enrolled myself in this school; it didn't matter for me as Indonesian universities respect my school's grades more than others in the region. However, the reputation of my school doesn't reach MIT, thus the only thing that MIT can see from my report is my grades -.-"

[...]
melramadhani   
Nov 14, 2014
Undergraduate / Ingrown Toenails - Honors College Application Essay [3]

Actually, the essay is unique. But I got confused when reading this. I expected Palmetto and McCord to be actual regions, not a fictionary ones in a conference, but it doesn't make sense to the story you told. I had to google Palmetto Girls State in order to understand the context of this essay. I suggest you to explain further about the Palmetto Girls State, so readers can understand the context.
melramadhani   
Nov 5, 2014
Undergraduate / I believe in God because scientific theories are more trustworthy than fantasy novels; Stanford [2]

Questioning is the most important part in intellectual development, as every pursuit of truth starts with questions. My questioning habit started in the age of 11, after reading His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman. The concept it delivered, that God was not divine, blew the whole doctrines and values I'd been taught in my life.

For my whole life, I was taught to believe that God was the creator of the whole universe. People who question are considered infidels in my society. When my classmate Naswa proclaimed that she didn't believe in God, there were murmurs in my fellow classmates saying what an immoral person she was.

However, I faced the same dilemma soon after; I started questioning the whole religious and moral values I've been educated. Was God divine? Did the religious rules and rituals I've been doing even had sense at all?

After deeply thinking and researching for a while, I came to a conclusion that the phenomenons depicted in the trilogy couldn't exist in real life, thus the concept it brought, that God was not divine, might be right or wrong. Meanwhile, I found that the big bang theory combined with Newton's law of inertia are the proof of the existence and divinity of God.

In the end, I believe in God because scientific theories are more trustworthy than fantasy novels. The novel didn't alter my belief, I am still a faithful Muslim, but it taught me to question.
melramadhani   
Nov 2, 2014
Undergraduate / My activity in Tourism Ambassadors, because I broke out of my comfort zone - Columbia Univ. [6]

What single activity listed in the activity section of your Common Application are you most proud of and why? (150 words or less)

​My activity in Tourism Ambassadors, because I broke out of my comfort zone.

Being a tourism ambassador of my city, or pageant in another term, was never in everyone's mind. Most people associated me with intelligence, not beauty. My usual circle is among people who were involved in the same activity as I : fellow debater, fellow programmer, and my simple bestfriends. None of my friends were photomodels like my fellow tourism ambassadors now.

But I tried for the tourism ambassador selection of 2014 despite of my zero experience in ambassador-ing. I transformed myself from a bookworm into a lady. I learned things I would never learn otherwise : make-up, catwalking, and public relations.

My tourism ambassador activity is something to be proud of, not only because it brought me out of my comfort zone, but also it gave me experiences and friends I'd never have otherwise.
melramadhani   
Nov 2, 2014
Graduate / Computing and Crohns; I found comfort in the familiarity of my keyboard --Common AppEssay [4]

I think your essay lacks of focus. You talk about your disease and your passion in programming in the same portion, you should focus on one to give your essay more strength.

That's all I can say, because you didn't provide the prompt of your essay. You must provide it, so people will be able to give the proper suggestion for your essay.
melramadhani   
Nov 1, 2014
Undergraduate / I felt rejuvenated when researching about issues completely unknown - MIT Short essays [5]

My 2nd short answers revision :

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?

Computer Science and Molecular Biology program. I can't choose between those two, my strongest intellectual wonders. I want to discover the cell differentiation process, yet I want to study logics and design artificial intelligence.

But after all, the study of molecular biology cannot be separated with the study of DNA. Computer science will add a new insight in the study of molecular biology by simulating genetic processes in computer. After all, the four nitrogenous bases in DNAs are like binary numbers, only composed on the basis of four, and human body are enormous computers that execute programs written in DNA.

--

also, for the first short answer, Megan642 said that there are some awkwardly worded statements. Can anyone tell me which ones? I'm not a native, so I just don't realize if a sentence sounds awkward.

Thank you :)
melramadhani   
Nov 1, 2014
Undergraduate / As my motto is "never settle", I'm looking for strength and power to go forward direct to my goal [3]

In your first paragraph, the sentences are too long, making them uncomfortable to read. You should break them to different sentences.

As my motto is "never settle" I keep searching for what give me strength and power to go forward direct to my goal, and I find this scholarship and when I am applying to such a college I know that I am for it and I can do it and I know that it is my place because I learnt from my previous experience how to make a thing possible or impossible it is me only who will decide that that is hard and easy and if I want to do a thing I will do it even if I want to move a mountain

You should delete the ands and make the complex sentence into several sentences. For example :

As my motto is "never settle", I keep searching for what give me strength and power to go forward directly to my goal. I found this scholarship.and when I am applying to such a college I know that I am for it and I can do it and I know that it is my place because I have learnt from my previous experience that I am the only one who should decide if something is possible or impossiblethat that is hard and easy and . If I want to do a thing I will do it even if I want to move a mountain

You should do the same in the rest of your essay too, since you made this mistake in the entire essay, making your essay difficult to understand.

When spotting your title, I was expecting for an essay that sounds ambitious (you seems to be such kind of person). You have a strong will to drive you to your goals. But you have to practice writing more, especially in sentence structures, if you want to tell your strong character to the admission committee. Try to make your essay looks like it is made by an english native speaker (I know you are not native :D)

After all, good luck in your application :)
melramadhani   
Oct 31, 2014
Undergraduate / Integrating my love for biology and engineering - Which Department in MIT? [3]

I like the content of your first essay, it shows your passion in the field you mentioned. However, you need to add something that will make your essay uniques. I'm sure that most of MIT applicants are passionate in academics and want to join UROP and IAP (well, including me :D). Maybe you can blend both of your essays, using your java-like opening for your first essay.

Good luck for us both :)
melramadhani   
Oct 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Leaving everyone I know in my small circle of friends and family (in Egypt) [4]

I will comment your last essay.

You began your essay by telling the prospect of moving to a place thousands miles away, but then you say "Feeling a bit of homesickness is the least of my fears, but what if I develop an illness or was wrongfully arrested ?"

I think telling that your homesickness as your last fear just contradict your essay lead and the reason you stated why you choose UD, which is the welcomed feeling. You may want to say that you may get homesick instead, so the welcome feeling in UD will interest you.

Stating your fear of getting wrongfully arrested doesn't make significant sense to your essay because there's no further discussion or explanation in that. You're afraid of getting wrongfully arrested, but then what?

But your second paragraph is great. I love your last sentence. Good job!
melramadhani   
Oct 30, 2014
Undergraduate / I felt rejuvenated when researching about issues completely unknown - MIT Short essays [5]

1. We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100)

I should have retired from any extracurricular activities as senior, but I still coach my juniors in the debate team. I found it hard to leave the club I built and raised, the place where I can freely express unorthodox ideas without judgment.

I felt rejuvenated when researching about issues completely unknown and get prepared to support any side. I enjoy creating an internal pre-debate with myself as both affirmative and negative sides simultaneously, trying to tackle every arguments I made; enabling myself to break any restraints in thinking.

--

2. Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?(100)

Computer Science and Molecular Biology program.

There is a question that I cannot answer yet : how exactly cells differentiate? Zygote divides into exact copies, but how do they arrange themselves into various kinds of cells forming various kinds of tissues? I wonder who regulates which cells will be which tissues, since they are no regulation center like brain regulates human system. My biology teacher said that it was the DNA codes that regulate it, but how? Can cells communicate each other?

Through UROP and assistances by professors and staffs in EECS and Biology, I hope I can understand this.

--

Questions for review :
What do you catch about me based on these essays?

Any suggestion and correction is welcome :)
melramadhani   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / Describe interesting interaction you've had, who's the person and what's the nature (500) - Yale-NUS [3]

Maybe taking out the last sentence and ending on a stronger note

How about this?

However, digital interactions are not as fun as real ones. I miss his robotic gestures in walking and talking. I miss his funny curses for teachers he dislikes. I miss his fish-eye perspectives. I wish I can reunite with him in Singapore next year as college freshman. We won't be in the same university as I have my own preference, but should that be a barrier?

and the descriptive correction :

The first days in junior high school, my friends told me that it would be difficult to understand his talks, but we talked for hours when we first met in junior high school in math club. He was the star in the club; he made it to the National Science Olympiad in Mathematics in elementary school, while I was just a newbie in Mathematics olympiad. However, I found myself 'clicked' with him; we were speaking in the same freakish language! I was amazed, trapped in curiosity by his unique perspective that I'd never found in anyone else. Later, I also learned that he had no prejudgment in people, probably because of his autism, that's why he could maintain his cool despite many people avoided him. He made jokes that was surprisingly funny to me. Maybe deep inside, I was as freak as him!
melramadhani   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / - "My effective leadership": an MIT application essay - [3]

Well, it's a good essay and successfully delivered your messages. However, this is a very common topic that the admission committees would have read in many other applications. Maybe you can find another topic?
melramadhani   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / Describe interesting interaction you've had, who's the person and what's the nature (500) - Yale-NUS [3]

Please describe an interesting interaction you've had with someone different than yourself. Who was the person and what was the nature of the interaction? (500)

--

X is a strange, freak person. He doesn't think like normal people do, he has his own perspective as if he sees the world through some kind of fish-eye lenses. He talks and walks like a robot and unable to understand certain norms. His minor autism, combined with exceptional intelligence, should contribute to them. As the result, he doesn't have many friends. Rarely people understand his uniqueness, but I do. He's one of my best friend.

The first days in junior high school, I was told that it was difficult to understand what he talked, but we talked for hours when we first met in junior high school. We talked about one topic to another, and I found myself 'clicked' with him. I was amazed, trapped in curiosity by his unique perspective that I'd never found in anyone else. I also learned that he had no prejudgment in people, that's why he seemed very happy although many people avoid him. He made jokes that was surprisingly funny to me. Maybe deep inside, I am as freak as him!

We didn't send texts; he would quickly fill my inbox with his formal, unshortened texts. We just had conversations after school, sitting on our own bicycles as if we were going to go home but we didn't leave the parking lot until hours.

He left junior high school earlier because he took the acceleration class. When we meet again in the same high school, I found him to be school legend already. He turned off the electricity of the entire school for the sake of curiosity. He announced his unflushed poop in front of his class. He made the sharpest teacher in the school cry. His last record, he is the first student of my school to be accepted in Singapore's prestigious university.

We never talked in person anymore since he is now in NTU, studying computer science. But we still chat and exchange stickers regularly. Our conversation topic have changed from random matters to something technical like digital algebra and stuff, but the energy is still the same. He understands my obsession of studying abroad, thus he keep supporting me in my pursuit. He also send his lecture slides regularly to help me 'prepare for NTU', as he keep persuading me to go to the same university as him.

However, digital interactions are not as fun as real ones. I miss his freak, robotic gestures in walking and talking. I miss his funny curses for teachers he dislike. I miss his fish-eye perspectives. I wish I can reunite with him in Singapore next year as college freshman, although I have different university preference.
melramadhani   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / Every single time I complain about Boulder, Colorado my mom remind me about my 'America' excitement [2]

Nepal is the world I come from

Each year I realize why it is so important to keep heritage and culture alive

showing why Nepal is so important to me

You talked a lot about Nepal being the world you come from, but you rarely describe Nepal. Instead, you described a lot about your move to Boulder, which distract your focus. Also, you haven't explain enough about how exactly your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations, as the essay is asking. You should tell more about this.

Overall, your essay is good, but lack of focus because you wrote too broad. You shouldn't tell all the details of your experience, this is not a novel that has to have chronological plot. Since the essay has word limit, focus on one aspect that is the most important for you. Maybe you can focus in your experience as immigrant from Nepal (so you should not explore much in your identity as Nepalese), or your coming from Nepal (so you should not explore much in your move to Boulder). After all, you do have a story, there are many options to try :)
melramadhani   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / I have been Singaporean, Chinese, English or Hongkongese, depending on how I felt at the time. [2]

Well, this is a good-crafted essay that the admission committees seems to like. You demonstrated a rich cultural diversity in your 'no cultural identity', which many universities are looking for. However, you may want to change the title, because it doesn't sound very 'hooking'; your title should attract the reader to build their interest in reading your essay. It should be concise yet catchy. Maybe you can just use 'No Cultural Identity' as the title.

Good luck in your application!

Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳