Undergraduate / Curry; Significant person essay - It may seem cliché to say that it's my mother [3]


^It really is. And the reasons you have provided are rather cliched as well, because mothers do typically have 'postive effects' on their children and do try and teach us to be good.

From your essay, your mother seems to have done pretty much what most mothers do. Therefore, there is nothing unique as such about this essay.

Undergraduate / Non sibi sed partiae - background / interest [5]


^You do not address this very important part of the question.
Also, whilst you do shed some light on your background, there is no discussion on your interests.
I suggest starting over by addressing the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / "multi-cultural dinner" - UMich Diversity Short Answer [4]


^I found all of this quite boring. Id attribute such sentiments to the rather, insipid way you have chosen to discuss this club and the experience that accompanied it. When read, this entire paragraph, to me, is just a giant cliche. The content can be fine, and some of it is well written (the Bengali dance part), however for the most part, the writing is nothing particularly interesting.

I however, do think that your ending paragraph is strong. Naturally there is potential to strengthen it, but I also do think that it is fine the way it is now.

Undergraduate / "playing tennis" - UIUC essay! [3]

^Your introductory paragraph is weak, due to it's rather cliched style.
Has tennis allowed you to meet some of your closest friends, or make some of your closest friends?
Your grammar in your penultimate paragraph needs revision. Also, the mannerism of expression is nothing extraordinary due to it's relative basic structure.
Your final sentence is ineffective. How is it 'definitely' a life time sport?

Your essay is alright, but it is nothing extraordinary. If you are looking for an essay that just answers the prompt, this should be fine. If you are looking for an essay to 'wow' your readers, I would suggest improving it, perhaps by using original and interesting expressions rather than trite ones.

Good luck

Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectual Vital; "world free from the barriers of social prejudices" [9]

I personally would not say that this is an intellectual idea, as much as it is just a random musing. Hee Eun Kim, you do not offer any intellectual input to this idea. Rather, you just make unqualified statements that in effect, reveal some level of bias on your part.


^Fre from social prejudice? How has China embraced cultural heterogeneity? These are examples of unqualified statements. These are just your opinions. They have every right to be true, but in that case, these opinions need to be validated at the very least. Strong manpower and abundant resources? Strong and abundant in comparison to which countries?

Sean did an excellent job in regards to the rhetorical question. From his post alone, you can see how anyone can be invited to answer for themselves. Furthermore, considering the logical response that Sean has been able to provide, that rhetorical question can also suggest that you have not done enough homework on China itself, which in effect, fails to make this an intellectually engaging idea. (It can also just show that you have dogmatic views regarding China and that you have failed to look at the other side of the argument. EDIT: I think it is fair to say that dogma rarely appeals in Admissions Essays.)

Writing Feedback / Not only should we search for a high grade, but also a future of further education. [4]

This is not an Undergraduate Admission Essay, is it?

Undergraduate / UCF "Bump in the Road" (Experimental Drugs) [5]

^I think everyone here has helped establish the fact taht this is a bump in the road for your friend, rather than yourself. In no way, does this experience appear to have affected you academically or personally. Therefore, the best advice I can give for this particular essay is to start over.

Undergraduate / I'm like a lot of things - UCF What qualities or unique characteristics [3]

I've been told I'm like ... is a hummingbird. I'mI am like a hummingbird because I'm . I am energetic, and I seem to be in all places at once.

^What does the part I have highlighted in Italics even mean?

That humming sound? While some may find it annoying, it really is the way I speak,fast and loud, I let myself be heard and I stand up for what I believe in.

^I understand that you are trying to draw an analogy between yourself and a hummingbird. As limited as my knowledge on humminbirds may be, I am certain that Hummingbirds do not stand up for what they believe in, because I doubt that they are fighting for rights or anything in particular apart from basic survival.

Hummingbirds are also quite bright ... myself and try new things.
^Such self-flattery in an essay fails to show a modest side to you. Also, your grammar in this sentence needs to be worked on, but I would just advise removing this sentence altogether.

And just like hummingbirds, important pollinators, I am ...
^Pollinators? That is a form of fertilization. Is that what you aim to do? Because the rest of what you have written is not related to fertility in anyway.

Scholarship / IvySelect Scholarship Personal Statement [8]

^You offer a reason as to why you would like to do community service, however offer no reason as to why you would want to participate in all of those clubs. What do those clubs mean to you, and how exactly are you going to contribute to them?

Increasing their chances of success in life? First of all, success is defined differently by different groups of people. Secondly, do you bleive that your volunteer work and some theatre can honestly make these kids have a greater chance of being 'successful'?


^^How is this contributing to anything apart from your selfish self development?


^Your first two sentences are arguably your strongest.
In your final sentence, who is 'we'?
There is always much more to do. It is not just your own belief.

Undergraduate / Chinese kungfu! [3]

Here again, your basic grammar is very weak. Your writing style is equivalent to that of a rambling child, which can in part be attributed to the informality that is very evident in your essay.

Undergraduate / Anime (My essay to u-m) [15]

Your essay has a lot of basic grammar and spelling mistakes.
It makes understanding certain parts of your essay quite difficult.
Your thoughts do not appear to be well expressed in this essay either.

Undergraduate / 'Emergency rooms; I was attacked' - UCF topic number 1 [11]

Yes even I thought that the sudden shift in person is quite ineffective.
As a reader, I was lead to believe that you, as the narrator, were a nurse or doing some level of work at the hospital. You then go on to discuss the consultation, and then suddenly, you are the battered girl. The transition is not a very powerful one and quite unnecessary as well.


^From that sentence for example, I could be lead to believe that you as a nurse of some kid cleaned the battered girl up. Now, that I have finished reading your essay, I really do not know if you cleaned yourself up, by yourself, or whether a nurse did it and you are just narrating your essay from the nurse's viewpoint.

Also, did you really not know what else was wrong?

In my opinion, I think that the introduction is a bit overly dramatic. The essay topic itself, does appear to be quite weak. Noto and Mustafa pretty much say why.

Faq, Help / My essay needs editing - do you provide such help for this work too? [21]

All members on this site can offer some advice on how to improve your essay.

Undergraduate / UPenn Pg. 217 Autobiography Essay; writer for a magazine living in a city [7]

I personally think that it reads more like a rough draft of an essay rather than the 217th page of an autobiography.
Also, I am quite puzzled by the length.

Undergraduate / Common app essay about AMERICAN CREAM PUFFS! [14]


^Did her hair actually radiate from the cookbook?



^I really do not understand this. You state that Betty Crocker was no longer an obsession of your childhood, when you were 17. Alright, that is fine.

But then you say, several years later, your interest in her came back. I am assuming that you are aged between 17-19. In that case, several years later is wrong given the context.

Quite frankly, I do not see the point in mentioning that you were no longer 'obsessed' with her. The time frame you have established is very weak in order to support your claims.

If you are trying to say that you admired her as a hero because you were a child, outgrowing this 'childish' interest at a rather shocking age of 17 just shows your lack of mature development.

**You do make a number of grammar mistakes in your essays. Quite a number of them actually.

The most obvious ones are in your concluding lines; you misuse pronouns.

Also, I was just wondering:


^Would Betty Crocker have agreed that you came from three different backgrounds, or that you were different ingredients that came together?

Undergraduate / "My future college experience" - on Application to UF [4]


^All of this is boring, particularly the first few sentences because they are just general statements.


^I think you start off with this, you have a more effective and direct opening, therefore can be more interesting as well. However, I do not see how working together has taught you to surpass ANY obstacles. 'Any' is a bit too broad and bold of a word here.

I think your ending is quite strong actually. However, the middle part is quite weak because you have just made statements that would require a bit more analysis and explanation so that your the validity of such statements can be justified.

For example:


^What do you mean by this?

There are similar examples in your essay. Expand and develop these points.

Undergraduate / "to make it worth wild" - University of Central Florida Essay [8]


^I was expecting some word play on 'worth wild.' However, there is nothing in your essay that suggests anything particularly wild. Therefore, perhaps you should just stick to 'worthwhile'.

You do not discuss in any relevant depth as to how your family's actions, or how your family alone, has influenced you and made you the person you are today.

Undergraduate / Essay on Programming - Carnegie Mellon Supplement [5]


^breaded hair?


^A bit of a cliche, seeing as how possibilities are generally limited.


^What makes Carnegie Mellon world renowned, and what makes it have the 'best quality courses'?


^Needs grammar revision.


^I do not suggest the shallow 'my future career' card. Think of something else that is meaningful perhaps?


^Youve got a fairly good essay here. Some tweaks regarding your grammar should be made however.
Your last paragraph however, had some strange errors.
Encouraging female compatriots is a deep concern? I do not think that is the effect you were going for.

Your essay is fine overall. It just needs some improvement, and if you have more to discuss, then include it. If there is a strict word limit, then keep it as it and focus on just tightening it up a bit.

Writing Feedback / "Get an A, but no brain" - Cheating and plagiarism [12]


^I am perfectly fine with that. What I was not fine with however, was Jess's expectations of us, as members on this site.


^It is as if there is an expectation that we should do this for her. What entitles her to have such high expectations? She could have been credible to expect this however, had she been helpful with other members on the site. Since she has not however done anything on this site, but post a thread containing an incomplete essay and a 'command'( which if executed would require a lot of effort) to make her essay PERFECT, I just think that is inappropriate.


^That is also quite rude in my opinion. Jess expects us to make her essay flawless, even though she decides to give us an incomplete project. To me, that suggests that Jess over here is not that bothered.

If she is not bothered for herself, then realistically, should I bother?
I think we can all agree that the answer here is: no

Undergraduate / "to be a Seminole" - FSU ESSAY [15]

:)

kk, sounds good :D
Remember, always give people the level of feedback you yourself would like to receive :)

Undergraduate / "to be a Seminole" - FSU ESSAY [15]

Do not flatter yourself. I am not attacking you. I am not a Moderator, but I still point out to posters that poor quality feedback is undeserving of detailed feedback.

I never said you have a problem with helping. I do however, still believe, that you are not helping anyone.


^You are not certain however. Therefore,that is an assumption. Trust me dear, you are not the first. I have told people off for giving poor quality feedback.


^Look, other people can help you as much as they want. What I am saying, is that I, and to some extent Llamapoop (judging from his post), do not offer great detailed feedback to those who do not deserve it. To deserve detailed feedback, you need to earn it. To earn it, just give detailed feedback to others?

I do not see what is so hard to understand about this? Just do it, and other people, including myself, will reciprocate in giving you helpful feedback lol.

I am not attacking you. It is surprising at how you even inferred that, but that is a different story.
People sign up on this site to help others and receive help. Doing so, tends to help posters on this site because they learn from themselves and from others.

Undergraduate / "to be a Seminole" - FSU ESSAY [15]


^loooool. Probably just as much as I do not appreciate your attitude towards people and helping them on this site.


^If you acknowledge that, then why do you seem to have such a problem with helping others?
It is only fair that you receive as much help as you give other people, is it not?

Undergraduate / "to be a Seminole" - FSU ESSAY [15]

So are you comfortable with vague, one lined feedback?
Tell me if you are actually. That would make things a lot easier.

Undergraduate / Schreyer Honors College , Number 3 among the 3 questions that you have to submit [4]

Yes. The narrative in this essay is very weak. The inconsistency in grammar and time frame weakens the essay, a LOT.


^Why on earth would you do that? No one does that, and very few people respect that as well seeing as how it limits social interaction and learning real life things as opposed to some text in a book.

Also,


^The essay prompt is not answered.

I think it is fair to say that you need to start your essay from scratch. It is very weak as it is and very unappealing as it fails to address the essay prompt, let alone show anything about positive about you as a person.

Undergraduate / "to be a Seminole" - FSU ESSAY [15]

That is the lame quality of feedback you have given others.
Judging from your response, you are shocked at how fruitless that type of feedback is. I am not surprised.
If you give lame feedback to others, do you honestly believe you deserve detailed feedback from anyone on this site?

Writing Feedback / "Get an A, but no brain" - Cheating and plagiarism [12]

I am speaking on my own behalf here. I really do not know what you want.
Firstly, you expect us, as members of this site, to make your essay immaculate.
You expect us to do this, even though you have given us an incomplete essay and even though you have not offered any useful/detailed feedback to any other member's threads on this site.

I will be nice enough however to give you some advice pertaining to your essay.
Your English should not be the only thing you should be worried about. The content in itself is quite weak.

Post detailed feedback on other people's essays, and people, such as myself and other members on this site naturally, will post detailed feedback on your threads.

Enjoy :)

Writing Feedback / "Get an A, but no brain" - Cheating and plagiarism [12]



...Lol?

Dissertations / Need a topic for ph.d in retail management / fashion sector [10]


^Hello there :)


^Well, these are topics of YOUR interest. What people may find interesting, may not have any appeal to you, for example, fashion retailing.

In regards to your, personal statement, there are a number of grammatical errors and you discuss points that the general reader may have known before hand; you are not discussing anything new or anything that interests you in particular to the point that youd like to do a PHD program on it.

Just think about what it is youd like to study, and why youd like to study it. Then express these thoughts in clear and efficient writing that conveys your interest.

Undergraduate / common appl short answer on martial arts [6]


^Do you mean this literally, as in, staying on your feet by standing and not falling down?


^How? I can not identify a link between this statement and your essay.

Your essay could use some polishing.

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]

Why dont you quote something from an interesting piece of literature.
I personally think that quoting celebrated leaders, in an admissions essay, is a bit of a cliche and a bit boring.
Also, anyone can google a quote, but it takes personal interest to find a meaningful quote in a decent piece of literature.

Undergraduate / About dancing - 150 word essay on extra curriculars [5]


^I think that with my revisions, you should be able to come across as more modest and humble about your activities.
I think that this essay is not bad at all.

You can always strengthen it by using more powerful methods of expression. That is, if you are not satisfied with how your essay is as it stands.

Undergraduate / Common App - Short Essay (Yoga) [9]

I actually do not like the first sentence, at all.
I think that if it is removed, then the essay gets straight to the point and flows better.

Graduate / "Modern High Frequency communication standards" - my Statement of Objectives to MIT [7]

All Universities have their own respective methods of choosing applicants. I am not even an undergrad student, but I do know that Universities try to choose students that they feel would be best for the academic program and the University at large. We, as people not on the Admissions Board, can not say why MIT rejected you. Perhaps your competitors had more qualifications, had better essays or had something else that gave them an advantageous edge.

But I can see that your first paragraph itself has caused me to scratch my head, and not in a good way.


If I had to revise it, it would be :

During the summers of 'year' and 'year', I created my very own metal detector to find World War 2 mines in my backyard (or wherever it was that you used it)

*Your sentence as it stands requires a bit more, given the way youve written it.

I do not quite understand the second sentence, because of the grammar involved.

By that time, I had already been attending the regional radio club activities or three years straight.

Your grammar is a bit off target, and perhaps that is what disadvantaged when you were compared to another applicant.

Graduate / Mating Rituals in the Wild (Addmission essay for MS is biology) [3]

Nothing too great with a very boring first half.

^I would have been more specific with my feedback, but I am assuming from the level of feedback that you have given others, all you were looking for is a straight forward one-liner. As long as we understand each other, there should be no problem :)

Undergraduate / History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay. [18]


Actually, there were parts of the essay in which I felt the writer was trying too hard to show off her 'cleverness'. Instead of being impressed, I just thought that the writer came across as an idiot.


^I really do not see how this is unimaginable. The general overtone in this essay is one of self-assigned superiority.

It is a really boring read in that sense.
The essay also lacks a clear focus, as it just shifts from one point to the other unnecessarily.


^I am sorry, but that has just got to have been one of the worst introductions I have ever read.
Purpose apparent since you were born? What purpose, and who told you that?
Beautiful? You have every right to believe that you are, but to flatter yourself like that on such a subjective matter such as beauty in an admissions essay, is pretty much kidding yourself.

And no, I can not imagine you sticking out. I see no reason why you should anyways. Typically, Id assume that the 'ugliest' babies stand out actually.

Undergraduate / Most significant challange - Short essay, 200-250 words [7]


^Why on earth would any applicant want to do that?


^Ya I know Simone. The whole narrative is weak, because of such poorly written sentences.

Undergraduate / '2D characters in 3D world' - Intellectual Vitality Essay - Stanford [7]


^I think that is the problem I have. I do not know what Flatland is, therefore I can not relate to it.

I am confident that I will understand many of these concepts better as I take AP Calculus this year....
^Id suggest removing the above, to make space to explain what Flatland is actually about. Perhaps then, it may be an interesting read to people such as myself who do not know what Flatland is.

Undergraduate / '2D characters in 3D world' - Intellectual Vitality Essay - Stanford [7]

I do not understand how this is an intellectually engaging idea or experience.

Undergraduate / Most significant challange - Short essay, 200-250 words [7]

A bit of a cliched topic.

Your narrative, particularly due to your grammar, is rather weak as well.
You use a number of trite phrases in your essay as well.
Also, selling yourself as a person who only does well in academics but is lousy in sports suggests you are a one dimensional nerd. As Universities are trying to become increasingly diverse, a one dimensional nerd is not impressive.

Undergraduate / A passion for reading, writing, and science - MIT short essay [4]


You use the full stops to create sentences way too frequently. Adjust this.

You also do not discuss your passion in any relevant detail.

Needs work