Writing Feedback / Comparison of the society growth and urban areas [2]

Hello,

Overall, the content of this essay is good and understandable. You draw information from the graphs well and break up your ideas correctly. Your biggest issue here is grammar. I have given a few examples of things that can be corrected below. I hope this helps.

For example, the sentence, ... is an incomplete sentence. It should read "Overall, the societies with the highest populations are predicted to be developing regions in 2040."

... should read:

"On the other hand, the figure depicting developing regions started at around 2,300 million people and steadily inclines until 2040 with an increase of less than 500 million people per year."

"Millions of people" should be changed to "(number) million people". "Millions of people" is used for non-exact numbers but when you have the exact number, you should say "(number) million people".

You should say "despite this,..." rather than "despite,..."

Also watch out for period usage, capital letters, missing words, etc.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "I learned MAGIC!" Harvard/UChicago Essay "What makes you Happy?" [4]

Hello,
This is a very interesting essay and I think it will catch the reader's eye. Below are just a few ideas I thought might improve your writing.

One thing I would change is what you focus on. You focus a while on how you do the tricks, while I would put more emphasis on why this makes you happy. I think tying that idea in earlier and explaining it more will make the essay stronger. You could talk about how you like to make sense of the things around you and find the science behind the magic.

Also, I wouldn't make magic tricks sound so mystical. There is a lot of logic and reasoning behind how they work, and since you are talking about how you are a science-minded person, I would focus on that. I also don't think I would mention anything about muggles in a college entrance essay and magical arts should not be capitalized because it is not actually a course. I would re-phrase that sentence to make it sound more professional.

Overall, you are off to a good start. Good luck and I hope you do well!

Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [11]

Hello,
I think you are off to a great start. Your essay is very compelling and moving. I just have a few tips for you to improve.

The biggest thing I noticed was tense. You need to speak in past tense when you are talking about the past. For example: "I climb up on a speaker pole and I do something I never expected to do. I wave to get everyone's attention and address the audience", climb is in present tense, do is in present tense, expected is in past tense, wave is in present tense, and address is in present tense. However, you are talking about a past event, so the sentence should read "I climbed up on a speaker pole and I did something I never expected to do. I waved to get everyone's attention and addressed the audience".

Another part that is a little confusing is when you flashback to talking with your dad about his work. Maybe say something like "This made me think about a time with my dad..." just to keep it clear and help the flow.

Finally, the ending could be more powerful. I think you could focus on the idea that when things don't go as planned you can always make the best out of the situation. The part about making everyone enjoy your set is good, but I think the other idea is a better way to end.

Hope this helps! Good luck.

Essays / The Diary of Anne Frank Dramatic License Info [3]

I cannot find the article you are talking about, but think of the attitude of the play and journal like the feeling you get from it. It does not mean attitude, as in someone has a bad attitude. It is the feeling and the chemistry between the characters that she is talking about.

For example, the attitude in the diary is very somber and thoughtful. It is sad, but not really that dark or morbid. Anne is, overall, very optimistic. If I remember correctly, they say it is because she looses her optimism that she dies in the camp ( I could be totally wrong though, it has been a very long time since I've read it)

I have not seen the play so I do not know about that but I'm guessing it is darker and more morbid. In that case The attitude of the play is more depressing and grim.

I hope that helped

Writing Feedback / Journal essay (welfare state) [3]

Hello,
You are off to a good start. However, you did not clearly answer the prompt.
The prompt asks if a state should take responsibility for it's citizens and if you agree with a welfare state. You talk about what kind of state you would run. While this is similar, it does not answer the prompt. Do not talk about what kind of state you would run. Talk about why you agree with a welfare state.

There are also some organizational suggestions below.

Graduate / True leader knows how to stand up for what he believe. Cooperation can't exist without competition. [4]

Your organization is really good throughout this essay. I think you are off to a very good start.

A couple notes -

At the end of your first paragraph, you need a clearer thesis. The prompt directly asks if cooperation or competition is the best way for a society to function. You need to state clearly which one you think is best

cooperation does not mean agreement, it means working with each other for the better good. So your sentence "While it may be true that cooperation is the key to success, it must be realized that agreeing to what every other person says is not an ideal quality for a leader to possess." should be re-worded.

use a colon here In a utopian world, everyone agrees with one another,; there are no melees, quarrels or wars, and people coexist peacefully. However in reality, this is not the case.

each other is two words.

Someone who is cooperative and noncompetitive may make some questionable decisions related to foreign policy .explain why. For example, I would argue that competitive people would make questionable decisions because they want to win so badly they will not compromise for the greater good. Could you explain why you think the opposite?

Hope this helps

Research Papers / Important Roles of Nonprofits [2]

Hello,
Your off to a good start. Here is some suggestions on organization. Hope it helps.

The first thing to work on is repetition. You state that non-profits are very good for the world multiple times. Your first two pages should be one paragraph. If you have a hard time organizing, you should start with an outline. First, figure out what your thesis is. Your thesis is your main idea or what you are trying to prove. Then you should come up with your main points. These main points will make your topic sentences in each paragraph.

for each point you should have two or three supporting facts. After each fact, explain how that backs up your argument. Then a closing sentence. and so on until the conclusion. An outline should look like this.

Intro
Introduce your topic
Thesis with your main points
Para
First main point - topic sentence
Quote 1
Supporting argument
Quote 2
supporting argument
Quote 3
support
closing sentence
repeat for all you points
conclusion
repeat main points and thesis but in different words
finishing statement

Be sure to properly introduce all of your sources in the text (depends on the format you are using)

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

read, write and watch shows or movies in English. Listening and understanding what you hear is different than understanding what you read.
Also, I agree that you have to learn to think in the language. When I was learning Japanese, I did not get very good until I lived there and was surrounded by Japanese people and could only communicate in Japanese. Fortunately, English is a much more common language to speak, so I am sure you can find native speakers to speak with as well. The more you speak with native speakers, the more you will be able to think in the language. But watching movies will help too. You still have to think in the language to be able to keep up with the movie.

Good luck!

Grammar, Usage / Future perfect continuous tense and its usage! [5]

"I will stand up when I see them approaching the couch" Sounds better.
The first option is too wordy and awkward. Hope this helped

Writing Feedback / Fear and Loathing in Society - respond to an article [3]

Hello,
First off, I would not say fear is evil.
Second, I think if you improved your organization a little it will help a lot. Maybe start with an outline? Have a clear thesis (I am not sure what your main points are at the beginning) and then your supporting facts. It seems like your thesis should have something to do with race because you focus a lot on that.

When you use evidence, make sure you state exactly what article it is. Do not say "this article states that...' it is very unclear and vague.

Discrimination is still the number one problem in America and the number one fear factor as well. this is a bold statement. where is your evidence for it?

Due to society, whites are shown as overindulged and successful even when some are not. Most minorities fear domination that is why there is a constant comparison between other races when in fact as the years progress from slavery to present the gap between minority races have become smaller.these are over-generalizations. again, you need evidence to make these kinds of statements.

Your thesis is about fear, but your essay is about discrimination and race...I do really see the connection. I know how fear is related to discrimination but you do not make that point clear. I would start with an outline to make your points clearer and then expand on your points.

Essays / Reflective Memorandum; write a reflection in the form of business memo to a classmate of your choice [2]

Hello,
I would start by making a mini-thesis for each question. Then you can build each thesis into a paragraph (or a few paragraphs) to fully and completely answer the question. (make sure you clearly answer all parts of the questions - use the language from the prompts if this makes it easier for you)

Then you can read through it all and see what the major theme is. This could be your main thesis. After you do that, build an intro paragraph off of your thesis and a conclusion that brings together all your main points.

If it helps, you can write an outline first too
It would look liek this.
Intro
background info
thesis (main points)
Q#1
mini-thesis (answer to the question)
points to back it up
expansion on each point

and you keep doing that for each question.

Graduate / I strongly believe I am on the right track to achieving my goals - master in International Relations [2]

This is a very good start. You have a great story and it flows nicely. You make it personal, but still professional. I think it is very well written.

I would suggest that you spend more time talking about how the master's degree will be helpful to you. You tag it on at the very end, and it feels a little forced. Start to work in why it, and the institution you are applying for will be specifically helpful to you. EX, what programs are there? will it give you specialized knowledge? etc. It only needs to be a few more sentences.

Also, your conclusion is a little redundant

I realize a career in the Foreign Service may require lots of travelling, and fortunately for me I love to travel, experience different cultures and learn languages. I believe a career in Diplomacy or in International Organizations would help me achieve these goals, considering I will be able to travel to different areas and learn local languages. I believe this all starts with obtaining a Master's degree in International Relations.

Hope this helped

Writing Feedback / It's easy to turn into a dictator but it's difficult to preserve as a good leader - leadership essay [2]

Hello,
First, you need to organize your paper better. Your first topic is what makes a good leader good. Talk only about that. Do not talk about leaders that have fallen short of your expectations until you get to that point.

Also, you should assume the reader does not know much about what you are talking about. When you give an example - like the farmhouse example - make sure to give some context as to what you are talking about.

Then move onto the point about leaders who have failed. Give each of your example leaders a paragraph and explain why they do not live up to your expectations.

Hope this helps.
Below are some grammar suggestions

Being a leader is not attainable. Actually, some people think that leadership is an acquired character while others claim that it is inherited.

In fact, some people have a misconception that only those people who are physically strong can become good leaders but this is not the fact.

A good leader has some remarkable traits which letencourages others follow.

In today's competitive world, leadership traits are crucial because many people follow any leadersand they are influenced by these traits so it is very important for those leaders to have ideal characteristics.they find influential.

Writing Feedback / "What would you do if I died?" Questbridge Prep Scholarship Personal Statement [2]

Happiness and safety are but an afterthought when bills need to be paid but no one is able to.

Because of my mom's illness, I grew up in circumstances that provided me with the exposure to the experiences of being both a patient and a caregiver.

Today, they emanated a sense of stability in the chaos and ambiguity that surroundeds my life.

During high school, I've had the opportunity to study the human body in detail. It fascinated me, whether it was about how cancer cells metastasize and take over the body, how electrical impulses make the heart pumpbeat , or how synapses fire transfer signals from cell to cell.

At school, I do not feel weak,and powerless as I do at home.

I like the changes you have made. Great job. Above are some corrections.
Also, be careful with tense. You change from past to present a few times in this essay. Your final paragraph, for example, switches tense in the middle. Make sure everything is in one tense. Probably the past tense.

Scholarship / "Did you hear, that kid Srijan, killed himself last night." community / concept/ experience [8]

For the 2nd one, you should directly state it, and elaborate on why it is good to be intellectually curious.
For number 3, I think talking about the pros and cons of asking your relatives to donate would be great. Maybe you could also talk about your own dilemma - maybe guilt about asking them, worry about your mom, wondering what will happen, but still having to perservere. It could be about an ethical dilemma and a tough situation you had to go through.

Also, I would mention why you did not donate, or do not plan to donate.

Lastly, I would just take out the judgmental language towards your family. Saying things like "narrow-minded" and stuff is unprofessional and you want to appear professional in these answers.

I hope this helped? I do not know your situation very well so I'm just kinda guessing

Scholarship / "Did you hear, that kid Srijan, killed himself last night." community / concept/ experience [8]

The first two are off to a good start. Just make sure you answer the whole question and elaborate where you can. The 3rd one needs some more work. I think picking a different topic will be best.

He caused a wrong-way car accident, taking his own life, along with two others.
I would add more about what needs to be changed. Elaborate on how to improve the situation

In question 2, you only answer the first half of the question. What does your interest in psychology tell us about you?

You do not answer # 3. To you that is not an ethical dilemma, it is an obvious fact. Furthermore, I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you are just complaining about your family. Talk about how you face the dilemma of asking one of your family members to sacrifice a kidney, or let your mom live a very impaired, shortened life

Undergraduate / 'Academics, bookwork, school' - Quest Bridge Biographical Essay [3]

After seeing the struggles my mother goeswent through in order for me to have a better future, I made a decision: to strive and succeed academically to ensure my mother's work iswas not in vain.

Make sure your whole essay is in one tense - in this case past tense.

This is a great start. You narrate your life very well. I am happy that even through all of that, you were able to come out on top.

One thing I suggest is to be more specific about your goals. As the reader, I am wondering what do you want to major in? How do you think you will help the future generations with your work? Maybe add a bit more like that, and it will make it more interesting for the reader.

Undergraduate / 'scientific research is strongly promoted here' - Macalester supplement [3]

Hello,
This is a very good start. Below are some suggestions

For a liberal arts college with high national ranking like Macalester, certain aspects such as high caliber education, qualified and accessible professors, state-of-the-art facilities, etc. are almost a given. Don't use etc. Use a phrase like such as or and many other things.

Skimming through the website of the Macalester Science and Research office website, I can tell that scientific research is strongly promoted here. I wouldn't use the word skimming. It sounds like you didn't do your research very well, just skimmed. Maybe even at first glance, or after looking at...

Make sure you clearly answer the prompt. I can see that you do, but try to make it even clearer when you are moving from one point to the next. One way to do this is to use the actual language from the prompt in you essay. It lets the reader know clearly that you did answer all the parts.

Writing Feedback / Family - a root of happiness in human life; children and their parents seem to be less close nowaday [2]

Hello,
Your English grammar needs improvement. I have made some suggestions, but please read over your essay again and try to fix what you can find. Also, try to add more evidence. You only vaguely mention "a study" once, but do not give any information as to what study it is.

Graduate / 'America is not just a country it is an idea' Why master degree in USA? Cover Letter. [3]

I agree that a good place to start is to answer each part of the prompt in separate paragraphs. That gives the reader the easiest way of knowing how good it is. If it is not clear, they will probably assume you did not answer it all and dismiss your paper.

America brings the sense can do spirit in almost entire of humankindto the world .

In the area of Psychology, however, American Psychological Association (APA) not only stance stronger as the world largest psychological profession association but also through its Disaster Response Network (DRN), in recent decades, has attempted the leading of adequate disaster mental health assistance. I had to re-read this a few times to start to get it. I would re-word it.

the first thing that needs to be done is re-working this so it answers all of the parts of the prompts clearly. re-post what you do here so we can help you out some more

Hope this helped.

Writing Feedback / Television destroys the family living and communication; Agree or Disagree? [3]

Hello,
You give a lot of good information about how TV has changed over the years in the beginning, but you should start with if you agree or disagree with the statement. This will be your thesis - it should be one or two sentences in because this is a short essay. You could use some of the points that you made to support your thesis, but you don't need a description of TV's advancement over the years for this essay.

To conclude this topic, I can say that I agree with option "Television absorb people's time too much that they have no time to talk to each other". However, to conclude is that Television is dangerous and it has destroyed the family living and communication, I disagree that not only Television but also internet, busywork, flirtatiousness are destroying family livingthis is irrelavant . Anyway, I believe that family living is a solid structure, and will not be easy to destroy. this is a very wishy-washy sentence. Either you agree or disagree. You have to pick.

Also, this part should be at the beginning and the rest should support your claim.

Letters / Perseverance, sincerity and thirst for knowledge have always been the hallmark of his personality. [4]

He was dedicated to his assignments given to him and finished them on time.

X, is a reliable and disciplined person. Further he has the capacity of adapting himself to the new and challenging environment. His logical, analytical view of every problem he has faced until now proves to me that he will be great in anything he chooses to do.

This paragraph repeats a lot of the ideas in the one before it. I would try to combine this one and maybe find a few more examples of how he is a dedicated student. Ex, how are his leadership skills? Does he participate in class? How are his writing skills? Is he attentive to detail? Things like that

Undergraduate / Through medicine people's lives are prolonged - Career Goals of an Emergency Room Physician [3]

Since I was a kidchild , I had always thought about what I wanted to do when I was older.

However, in addition to that I think the residency will help me the most because it will give me a chance to practice on real life situations, and this will better prepare me for the real world.

Overall, this was a very well-written essay. Your organization was good, your sentence structure was good, and your wording was good. (Except when you said kid at the beginning - that is too casual for a formal essay)

I am not sure what this is for, but if it is for a college entrance essay, good luck.
Next time, can you be more specific about the prompt so we can help you out better? Thanks.

Hope this helped.

Scholarship / Letter of Intent for Turkish Scholarship? Five questions to answer. [3]

Hello,
overall you did a good job with these answers. One thing I would suggest is to shorten some of your sentences. They tend to get very long and confusing. So, if a sentence is more than 3 lines, try to shorten it. But also be careful with incomplete sentences. Do not shorten it if it will make it a fragment.

I hope this helped and good luck

Undergraduate / Korean universities, culture, and technology. My passion to continue my study. [3]

Hello,
I think the biggest part that you need to work on right now is organization. First, can you please post the prompt along with the essay so we know if you are staying on track?

Also, I think you spend too much time giving your narrative and not enough talking about why you want to go to Korea. Your story is very interesting, but I think a lot of it can be shortened and taken out. Especially the detailed narrative about the boarding school. If you can connect your narrative with why you want to go to Korea, that would make the essay even stronger.

Then, expand on why you want to go to Korea. I think that should be the main focus (but again, I do not know the prompt so if I am wrong, I'm sorry)

I hope this helped

Essays / Essay about sex trafficking - what to argue and what points to make? [6]

A good place to start is at your college library. Most places have a computer system now where you can look everything up. The best type of source is scholarly journals. There is usually a way to search just by type of writing. You should ask the librarian to help you with this because each place is different.

Writing Feedback / Philosopher Immanuel Kant urged people to throw off the yolk of tutelage and of idle life; SAT Essay [3]

Hello,
I would give this a 5. Some of your points are a little weak. Please see my comments below.
Hope this helped

However, if the people, the majority, do not fight to solve problems in their community, no one else will.

In history and in literature there are numerous examples of outstanding citizens who took responsibility and of the consequences that followed those who did not.

at the end of your first main point, you can come back to the conclusion a little bit more. You ask what would our nation be without the Founding Fathers, but you don't go back to taking responsibility.

Also, I think the conclusion is a little off topic. The prompt does not ask about tutelage, so I would avoid that.
Tutelage is comforting, because others take care of things for us. Tutelage blinds us, however. We must not let comfort distort our vision. If there is a problem within our community or nation, people must be willing to take a stand.

Scholarship / "We're moving again?" "We just moved here and now we're leaving?" My monster under the bed. [3]

Wow that was really well-written! Great job. Just a few suggestions below

I am a Korean-American and the majority of places that my family had moved to were to places where the only Asian people in a hundred mile radius were my family. This sentence is a bit awkward. Maybe rephrase it. Ex: ...that my family moved to were places where we were the only Asian family within a hundred mile radius.

The transition between your 2nd and 3rd paragraph does not flow. It sounds like you're still talking about the move in 2nd grade when you start your 3rd paragraph. here is one suggestion on how to fix that.

It was during the second grade that my proclivity for being a recluse truly manifested. And amidst all that, it was time to move again.I dealt with frequent moves throughout my life.

The most heart aching, fear imposing move that still plagues my heart is the move during the summer going into the sixth grade.

Undergraduate / "The Dreams About a Perfect World" - motivation statement [2]

Overall, this was a well-written essay. Good work. Just be careful with sentence structure and wording. Sometimes you word things awkwardly. I hope my corrections above helped with that.

Undergraduate / My reason for becoming a nurse is the passion in my heart and soul for helping others [2]

This was a very touching essay. Great job. I just made some corrections above and made some suggestions for the intro and conclusion. Those are the two most important parts really, so make them stronger than the rest of your essay.

Undergraduate / Process Analysis rough draft "Filling Physician Orders" [2]

I think your conclusion can be a bit stronger. Focus more on improving quality of life with medications. Make it people focused. I think that will make it stronger.

Other than that and the few corrections I made, you had a well organzied essay. Keep it up
Hope this helped

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Taxes burden citizens in some countries. [6]

While this reason can be understandable for some reasons, I utterly believe that paying taxes brings some tangible benefits as it supports the development of the countries. be careful with tax and taxes. You use tax a lot when it should be taxes.

Some workers that support the argument of not paying taxes believe that they are the breadwinners who withstand the financial matters of their families.

Resultresearch shows that in the cosmopolitan cities such as Melbourne and London, the cost of living is extremely expensive.

Averagely, citizens have an average annual expenditure of $52,000.

In addition, some people who have an occupation take responsibility for paying thefor their children's education cost rather than spending money on the state.

On the other hand, taxes areis the main financial resource for governments to develop the country .

Firstly, the significant development can be seen in the public facilities.

Overall, this was a well thought out, well-organized essay. I hope my corrections helped. they are mostly just grammatical corrections, as I did not see anything wrong with your content.

Scholarship / Ashin, the vocalist of the Taiwanese rock band Mayday is my role model. [2]

FromSince he was young, Ashin's ambition was to become a singer but his vocal range was too narrow and he could not reach high notes.

As compared to most bands who would join public performances and hope for record companies to scout for them, Ashin and his band created their own opportunities by taking the initiative to send their demos to various record companies.

This is something that I learnted from Ashin.

Hello,
I hope these edits help. It was written well, but I have one concern. I am not sure that the subject is good for trying to get a scholarship. I think you should pick something that shows development of your character.

Someone you know personally would be a better choice than a famous singer. Or talk about a deeper reason why you like this person so much. EX, where you bullied and music was your only outlet? Just something a little deeper.

Graduate / "There is a sufficiency in the world for a man's need but not for a man's greed" - Masters SOP [3]

Hello,
Please see my edits below

In addition, to combat the higher prices of imported fuel , the need of the hour is a cheaper, greener and a sustainable source of fuel.this sounds like your thesis. If that is the case, then you need to put it in earlier. Shorten your first two paragraphs to make one and make this the last sentence.

Overall, this is a well thought out essay. Just be careful with wordiness and overly casual phrasing. It is an entrance essay, so you want to sound professional.

Also, do not repeat the same word over and over. You started three sentences in a row with "thus", and you did not need any of them.

Lastly, be careful of awkward wording. I have made some corrections above, but do another read through to make sure that you did not miss any of them.

Hope this helped

Scholarship / I have being trusted to represent my school in several competitions - my most valuable experience [3]

Hello,
Please see my edits below

the prompt uses AND, not OR. So you need to spend time answering each part of the prompt. You only really answer the first part. Also, a lot of what you said is wordy, so it can be shortened. Make sure you do not repeat yourself. Once you cut down the wordiness of the first part, add at least one paragraph for each of the second two parts of the prompt (you just throw in the answers in your conclusion) and then write a conclusion brining all you main points together.

Grammar, Usage / "You are the first person I am sending a postcard to" - sentences correction [7]

Grammatically, that is a question, so it would need a question mark.
However, it could be an exclamation, either out of surprise that someone bought a house without seeing it, or mocking someone for doing so. Without the context, it is hard to tell.

Also,
How COULD you buy that house suggests that it has already happened, that someone bought a house without seeing it first.
If it said how CAN you but that house, that would suggest that it has not happened yet.
But there is nothing obviously wrong with it.

Graduate / Starry sky above me and the moral law within me Personal statement Master's of Public Health [2]

Wow, you have done so much in your life! It is amazing. I think you have a VERY strong essay here. I have cut things that I think are not needed, as well as just tried to cut some unnecessary words. Be careful with organization though. Keep work stuff with work stuff, school stuff with school stuff and intro stuff with intro stuff. The part about you coming from a post-communist country will be a better opening than the one you have, I think.

But, overall, it was fantastic.
Hope this helped.

Undergraduate / What type of work would you like to do once you finish school? Short essay [3]

Hello,
Please see my edits below,
I would like to work in a hospital or in private practice, and can lend a hand in finding new, more effective ways of administering drugs to patients.This should be your first sentence.

So science I was little, science ishas been my favorite subject.

That's the reason why I think the best place for me is the medical field.

During high school, I likedto working inon biology and chemistry projects.

I also developed my patience and diligence, and I gaininged valuable experiences when I gave public speeches about my research

The Medical field is very difficult and requires a tremendous amount of patience and hard-workings.

I I hope that I will be able to meet these challenges, and my dream will come true.

I hope these corrections helped. Your last sentence should be your first sentence. It introduces your main idea for the essay nicely.
Other than these few mistakes that I corrected, it looked really good. I can tell you worked hard on it.
Good luck with medical school!

Research Papers / RESEARCH TOPICS IN ISLAMIC BANKING, FINANCE, INSURANCE,ECONOMICS. [3]

Hello, I understand that you are a student, but can you please tell us what your prompt is. It is hard to pull a thesis without the prompt

Thank you

Undergraduate / Painting I did; Brown/ Something I created and it makes me proud [2]

Hello,
Please see my edits below

I had chosen to paint the same picture that convinced me to join the class,- the tree. I had finished it, but it did not compare to the original,; but that was okay.

I still have that painting hung up, even though it is not necessarily easy on the eyes.

that was very well written. As you can see, I only had a few grammatical corrections.
I would suggest explaining the picture more. You are a talented writer, so I think you can give a better, more detailed description of the painting you found so beautiful.

Lastly, you can use dashes and colons. They are great for drawing attention to certain parts. You can google how to use them.