lcturn87
Apr 14, 2015
Graduate / My path to a college education has been filled with bumps, detours and roadblocs - MPA Application [12]
I don't think you should say you were confronted with something full force. You can be directly confronted with an issue. I would change the sentence that describes the CFAC. My suggestion is to describe the charitable foundation exactly as stated. Then at the end of the sentence called the "CFAC. The next sentence I would discuss that without the coalition's financial assistance, paying for treatment would have been arduous or difficult. You discuss public health management in the 5th paragraph, but you say public administration, healthcare management in the 4th paragraph. Would it be easier to use public health management? Change the beginning of the 4th paragraph by changing it to, "I am interested". Then decide if you want to use public health management as previously stated. Then state, "because I want to find ways to develop". I don't know if you want to keep the last sentence but I suggest you changed armed with knowledge to equipped with knowledge.
In the next paragraph, it seems like you are undecided or continually stating what you would like to do. You have enough descriptions so you won't have to restate what you are interested in. Use another word rather than armed in this paragraph. You can delete it with describing the healthcare system and just describe it as hope in the nation's healthcare system. Delete the semicolon and start a new sentence with the word "Everyone". The last two sentences seem to veer off from discussing Baruch and back to your position. Read the paragraph without these sentences to see if you feel the same. Also, when you discuss Baruch in this paragraph, it should probably be discussed at the end of your paper. I suggest that when you discuss Baruch really devote a paragraph to how the program in this school will assist you with your goals. You seem as if you are doing this in the last paragraph.
*You made many changes and I think your essay was easy to understand. I want you to think about my suggestions that can help you improve your paper.
I don't think you should say you were confronted with something full force. You can be directly confronted with an issue. I would change the sentence that describes the CFAC. My suggestion is to describe the charitable foundation exactly as stated. Then at the end of the sentence called the "CFAC. The next sentence I would discuss that without the coalition's financial assistance, paying for treatment would have been arduous or difficult. You discuss public health management in the 5th paragraph, but you say public administration, healthcare management in the 4th paragraph. Would it be easier to use public health management? Change the beginning of the 4th paragraph by changing it to, "I am interested". Then decide if you want to use public health management as previously stated. Then state, "because I want to find ways to develop". I don't know if you want to keep the last sentence but I suggest you changed armed with knowledge to equipped with knowledge.
In the next paragraph, it seems like you are undecided or continually stating what you would like to do. You have enough descriptions so you won't have to restate what you are interested in. Use another word rather than armed in this paragraph. You can delete it with describing the healthcare system and just describe it as hope in the nation's healthcare system. Delete the semicolon and start a new sentence with the word "Everyone". The last two sentences seem to veer off from discussing Baruch and back to your position. Read the paragraph without these sentences to see if you feel the same. Also, when you discuss Baruch in this paragraph, it should probably be discussed at the end of your paper. I suggest that when you discuss Baruch really devote a paragraph to how the program in this school will assist you with your goals. You seem as if you are doing this in the last paragraph.
*You made many changes and I think your essay was easy to understand. I want you to think about my suggestions that can help you improve your paper.