Research Papers / ROTC and Security Awareness Research - Need critique for the conceptual framework [6]

- Simply put, security awareness is in itself is important, since public support..

The sentence above is what I'm driving to. Your essay is readable and phrased well, just make sure that you go straight to the point and not go around the bush.

Thank you.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for Postgraduate study in UK [2]

- AdvancementAdvance technology is painfully slow,
- I chanced a glance atupon the information systems course offered at X..

Well, confusee123, your re-written essay is far better than the first one. I believe they will review it and God willing, they will grant you the scholarship. From my side, I would like you to take note that in an essay application for a scholarship, one of the things they would also consider is your willingness to learn the culture of the country, the tradition and how much effort you can contribute to the institution, with your diligence to the task at hand and how they can count on you on cases that needs to.

I wish you good luck and make sure to do the following;

- Proof read any article you do before submission
- Turn on your spell check
- Mind your punctuation marks
- Set the goal of your article to the standard of your readers
- Engage with your idea and create a logical flow of the essay

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / The beauty in numbers like the beauty in art frames - Texas A&M Transfer Essay A [2]

- We all live in society and we must give back or better saying:should I say "do our share".
- The only way I can feel of use is solving problems and what better area of knowledge than Engineering for problem-solving?!The only field I can make use of problem solving is Engineering

- Plus there's the proximity to the city of Houston which is a major reference when it comes to Petroleum. Still, when I started wandering through A&M's website I got excited, highly emotional because I could finally find a place that even if five its thousand miles from my away from my family I could still call it home.

- LotsA lot of people think of what they willcan contribute to mankind during lifein their lifetime,Some never gave proper thought for this matter and probably contributed with few.some will not really think about this. Others took this matter, others take it seriously and changed the world.

I cannot offer mankind the cure of cancer or of AIDS [...]
I may not be able offer much, but I know my tireless effort and energy to help my chosen industry will make a difference. The Petroleum industry, manufacturing plastic, pharmaceutical industry and others can count on my support throughout my lifetime. Looking back, when all of my aspirations come to life, I will leave a footprint in this fascinating industry as one of the worlds explorer of the black gold.

Alex, I rephrased the last paragraph of the essay as it looks like it needs revision. Overall your essay is good, just take note of the following;

- the use of punctuation marks, colon versus comma, quotation starts and ends with quote and unquote punctuation so it should be written ("words") then a period ("words".). Know when to end your sentence, do not overwhelm it with too many ideas.

- proof read your work before submission.
- your sentence construction should also be with a proper flow, this is to make sure that your reader will understand the idea.

Good luck and keep writing.

Letters / Appeal letter to my dream university (SMU School of Business) [5]

Sat,

The first paragraph of your appeal is already negative as you stated your grades far less than ordinary, this doesn't do any good to your appeal. Site the positive ones and as much as you can don't go to the negative side, you have a lot of positive aspects to mention.

Let's rephrase it to the point of not mentioning your grades; I studied Accounting and Finance in Temasek Polytechnic.

Needless to say, my goal of having a successful career continues despite being denied acceptance at SMU.ThoughWith this in mind, I feel I could make great stridesknow I'm in the right direction by attending SMU. Despite my rejection, SMU still lingers in my mind, and, I know I have I must exhaustI know I have exhausted all enrollment opportunities to be fully contentedcompliant with the application process. I truly believe that everything would work out for the best. and all I can do is to submit this appeal and let fate have its way.Thank you for taking time in reviewing my application.

Overall, your appeal is great, just make sure to elaborate and show more of your positive side, remember this is an appeal for your future, your achievements matters most and you as an individual can do more. You have that one chance for this Institution to grant you the program you need, its not what you want anymore, its what you need to make a difference out there. I wish you the best of luck.

Cheers!!!

Faq, Help / Can I Get Advice on a Good Writing Schedule to Complete my Thesis Paper? [2]

Kameela,

It's true that for you to edit someones essay you should be able to have the knowledge on how and what an essay needs.

In your condition, I understand that it will be a little bit hard to do but that should not prevent you from posting your essay or thesis paper so we can help you.

EssayForum (EF), is here to help you with your essay and editorial articles and also provide you with remarkable feedbacks that will be very essential to complete your work.

I suggest that you go on and post your essay or article here in EF, let us guide you through it and finalize the thesis so you will be able to fulfill

your study.In doing so, I would like you to take note of the following;

- compose your thoughts before starting your article
- know what the goal is and the subject of your work
- turn on your spell check to avoid misspelled words
- list the steps to be taken in achieving the goal, I didn't mean that you have it in bullet points but listing your steps will create a smooth flow in your article

- Conclude your article with the answer to the question you have at the beginning or the answer to your goal
- Lastly and very important, proof read your article before submission.

EF will look forward for your thesis and we're ready to help.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Solving Sustainable Electricity in California [3]

- Across the word today, global warming, pollution and lackedlack of fresh water'swater issues have been threatened on the existence and development of human civilization. Inevitably, we have to face with the issues if we want to keep our civilization existence and advance. In the other words, I want to present why produce sustainable electricity enough for usage is the most important thing in the word today.I would like to bring to your attention why we have to produce electricity that will sustain the future.

- Nevertheless, the sustainable energy would stop the pollutant by burning fossil fuels and dangerous by using unclenuclear power.
- In conclusion, I believe that many of f our problems would be solved easily if we can find or produce enough sustainable energy for usage.

Vin, overall your essay is quiet rough, you seem to jump from one idea to the other. An essay should have a smooth flow, it should create a general idea towards the fulfillment of the topic and for your readers to engage to your article.

I have a few points to consider;

- punctuation marks, in an an essay do not use the period like this (...), this is not called for and stating etc. in your sentence should end in a period

- grammar and sentence construction
- word tenses, like if the action is an ongoing issue, use the present tense
- word usage, the use of big words is sometime do more harm than good in your essay, so keep it simple, use words that your readers will understand.

- Proof read and spell check, this two will help you a lot.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Leaving home is common to University Students' nowadays and it serves several purposes to them. [3]

- First Independentis independence , all students leave home to continue their studyingstudies , they have to know how to make their living condition in mainly own lives, important things such as preparing food, managing daily payment by themselves because theyand live without parents support.

- Rephrasing last paragraph;
Overall, leaving home, teaches a lot of values to an individual. This opens windows to a much wider perspective, a broader aspect in life that will lead them to a better place and hone their talents. Nevertheless, leaving home is the first step to independence and to show the world you're ready to take on challenges and create a better you.

- punctuation marks, the word Students does not need an apostrophe
- Re-write and Proof read your essay before submission.

Sun, your essay is good but it needs a little bit of revision, you don't need as much words in your essay if it will do harm than good, keep your essay simple, understandable and be careful with your words too. Tip, read more and make it a habit, this enhances your vocabulary that will help you in your future writing.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / The Problems and Risks Associated with Induction of Childbirth Labor - A Research Paper [2]

Closetnerd82,

I am impressed with your research, you did well. I did my research as well regarding your topic and true enough you remain as factual and detailed as possible which is very good. I have a few notes for you to consider on your future writing;

- Paragraph, to keep your readers to go on reading your paper, cut your ideas in a few paragraphs,though this will mean its going to be longer, this will also give them time to breath from the article at hand.

- Logical order of the essay, keep your article on logical order to create a flow and not to jump around different ideas and go back again.

- Facts and figures, note your facts to where you extracted them, this will not only merit the owner/ writer / researcher, this will also keep your readers to trust your research and increase the possibility of getting high remarks.

- Details of the article, keep the details, enhance and elaborate it.

- Proof read your article before submission, this is a very good practice to ensure that you didn't miss anything and if you need to do last minute inputs.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / Assignment about Culture Shock when you come to America. [5]

- I have rememberedremember thea day that I arrived in AmericanAmerica at Detroit airport.

- Fortunately, another officer who was so kind and nice helped me exchange the ticket for free for the next flight in thisthat night after seeing my tears and sadness.

- This was the first time, and it made me aware that language barrier can turn really terrible.I was aware of language difference was so terrible.

- AsThe more we shared information of our countries asthe more I learned new things about my new place.

- Then, I felt more comfortable and relaxed because I knewknow I could solved my drawbackfigure things out easier than before.

- Vary of cuisineCuisine variation was a big challenge for myself when I just came to America. My new family loves all kind of cheese that they always add it in their food.

- Rephrasing last paragraph;

It was definitely a culture shock in too many aspects, cuisine, customs, tradition and daily activities between America and Vietnam but I always remind myself that this should not be a struggle but a challenge to motivate myself in adapting to my new environment. Now, whenever I travel I still get amazed with the environment, the people and the culture, this reminds me to go farther, to learn more and gain more experience, not to be shy to approach people, talk and be keen with the environment. I have accepted that wherever I go there will always be barriers and I'm ready to conquer those barriers for a whole new experience.

Vchau, for someone new to writing, your essay is very good. There is always a room for improvement and I want you to take this points to consider.

- word tenses, if an action is ongoing, use the present tense
- word choice, use words that you understand very well so your readers will understand what your talking about and where the idea is leading to.

- essay construction, spacing your paragraph allows your readers to breath and absorb the idea of the essay and go on reading
- proof read, meaning read your essay one more time before submitting it.

Keep writing and the best of luck to you!!!

Writing Feedback / English paper about NGOs - Nongovernmental Organizations [2]

- The general idealizedidea and framework of how NGOs were created...

- use of punctuation marks, colon (:) versus semi colon (;), when referring to an idea that continues throughout the sentence, use semi colon (;)

- Length of the essay, there's no limit on the length of paragraph and words so long as your idea is kept in context

- Logical order of the idea and sentences, don't jump from one idea to another and back again, make sure that there is smooth flow in your essay so you can keep readers in reading the essay and understand the message that you're trying to send across.

Alsu, overall, your essay is very well written, it's full of facts and details. Just make sure to proof read it for final edit and for future reference, make sure that you come up with a smooth flow and logical order of your idea so that the readers will be engaged and keep reading.

Keep writing...

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / Topic : Discussion of your Academic Potential, work ethic, and integrity (500-2000 characters) [2]

- My career path would be to become an Accountant in a bank or firm at one of the most respectable organization.

- I believe I have got the skills to become...

- Rephrasing this paragraph;
Neither of my parents had an opportunity to attend university [...]

Neither of my parents had the opportunity to attend university, this resulted to a lot of struggle in the lives both personal and professional, this is one of the strongest motivation I have in pursuing a higher degree of education.

- I am passionate driven and have very exception which makes an excellent studentan exceptional student in my class. . I put my education above all other things which has enabled me to keep to my grades since primary school and this has helped me in achieving my goals in life.

Joy,your essay is great. It has a lot to say about you but what about your intentions for greater good, meaning your contribution to the institution that will grant you the scholarship. I suggest you include this in your essay so they will know that it's not only about you, it's also your genuine appreciation of the institution being a great contributor to your future.

Also when writing essay, take note of the following;

- word tenses, if an action is continuos, it should be written it present tense.
- unnecessary information, giving away information about your family can be good to know, but they may also be a reason for you not to get the scholarship. Keep your information to what is asked, talking about your siblings and parents can be deleted in this particular essay application.

I wish you good luck in your application and in case you need further assistance, don't hesitate to write us back, were here to help.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Summary of the polemic essay "Single parent struggle" [3]

- He provides an example of a family where parents always agueargue with each other. It harms the child's psyche physique.

Stasy, aside from the input I have above, I think your essay is written well. I has substance and you were able to address your concern. However, please take of the following when you write the next one;

- referencing, when you quote someone in your essay, in this case, the author of a book, use the semi colon (;) instead of a colon (:)

- balance of ideas, most of the idea you have is full of emotion, there's nothing wrong with it, but you affect your readers so take time to relax as well and give your idea a breath of fresh air.

- keep track of your ideas, proof read before submission

Keep writing..

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / How I became interested in becoming a Physician Assistant-Saint Francis application essay [2]

- Rephrasing last 2 sentences;

This experience furthered my interest in becoming a Physician Assistant because of the ability to work with a patient and help them through these tough times, which would be highly rewarding.

This has enhance my interest in becoming a PA and hopefully become a Physician myself, the ability to work with patients through tough times and be of service for greater good can be very rewarding.

Madilyn, your essay is absolutely great. It's full of dreams, ambition, desire to help and the genuine welfare to help and not just to make a career.

You definitely stated your interest in becoming a PA.

Now, I have a few points that you might want to take note for reference;

- use of punctuation marks, colon (:) versus comma (;), when your sentence is continuos, use a comma to signify a continuos idea.

- Paragraph, cut your paragraph as your idea comes to a different side of the essay, this will give your readers time to breath and absorb what they have read. This will also keep them interested and continue reading.

Good luck Madilyn and keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / NELSON MANDELA; An important Leader - he gave freedom to black skin people [2]

- Rephrasing first paragraph;

The world we are living there, has witnessed some famous and affected leaders such as Kennedy, Obama. But in my idea one of the effective leader of the all through the world is Nelson Mandella. Because he leads South Africa country to improving and progressing in some area such as: freedom, equal rights, the omission of the slave labor regime and democracy. Here an effort to make some reason to support of my claim in this writing.

The world we live in has witnessed famous and effective leaders, Kennedy, Obama and Mandela to name a few. Personally, the most effective leader for me is Nelson Mandela. He led South Africa to improve, to progress, to attain freedom, to receive equal rights and be free from slavery.[font#000

- Regarding to historical documents..

-Rephrasing this sentences;
Nelson Mandela during a long fighting and in a precarious condition, could achieve with this goal. Another important contribution who did, is equal rights between people. Black African people before winning in their political struggle, did not have right like white people.

Nelson Mandela can make a difference in this precarious condition,he contributed to promote equal rights between people, Black african and the white people.

- black skin people, I think it's enough to say "black people"

Alid, I must say, your essay still needs to be re-written. Grammar and sentence structure needs to be polished.
I have a few inputs as you see above, re- write your essay and post it back so we can help you further.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Three points why people these days are living longer. [4]

- And this dream gradually comes true these days:.

- I think there are there reasonable answers to thethis problem:

- FirstlyFirst , there havehas been a lot...

- Secondly and thirdly is Second and Last but not the least respectively

- Governments has given their health policies more serious consideration.

Chou, overall, your essay is great. You answered the target question to address your concern regarding health and life expectancy.
I would like you to take note of the following to enhance your essay;

- punctuation marks, colon (:) versus comma (,), as I notice you separate your sentences with colon, if an idea is within a sentence, use a comma.

- sentence construction, the flow of of your sentence is good but you can make it better, you have to construct your idea in a logical order to ensure a smooth flow of the idea in your paragraph.

And I think you have more ideas than what you have in this essay, I suggest another paragraph. Check this one below;

As a result of this advancement, people live longer and make more out of life. They travel more, explore more and best of all they learn more. Not to mention the disadvantages that it brings, the advantages are far better than anybody thought is was. All we have to do is keep exploring, count our blessings and never waver in finding greater good in every soul.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Freetime activities - trying to write an essay for my important examination [3]

- Of all the free time activities I like doing , I like reading books the most because it brings me many good aspects.

- Besides, there is no denialI can't deny the fact that books always help me relax.

- In short, reading books is my maina hobby that makes a worthwhile time pass by and I will make best use of its advantages to have a happy lifestyle

Tulipgirl, I absolutely agree with you. Reading is one of the best hobby you have to develop, it does not only enhance your vocabulary, believe me it also takes you places. It's one of many motivations I have in writing, traveling and exploring the world at its best.

Reading is one of the best way to learn and expand your horizons and reading leads to writing. There's nothing like reading your own article and have everyone read it as well. I want to share with you some points in writing Tulipgirl;

- paragraph,break your ideas in paragraphs so that your readers can breath and keep reading

- sentence construction and logical order, make sure your ideas are in smooth flow and logical order so your readers understand the idea behind your article and were your story is heading.

- Proof read your article before submitting it as this will tell you if you need to refine it or if it's ready to be submitted

Keep reading and write more.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / 5 paragraph writing - travel and transportation [3]

Narration
- In thoseAt that time, I wake up lastlywoke up late so I took a bath very swiftswiftly .

- When Iwe were near Kanchanaburi that was a relief!

- So I comfortably chatted in Linewith the group.

- My friends asked about my whereabouts am I and we shared each otherothers location

- I laugh with Fang about miss sharing location of her .

- I bought the train ticket before the time up just 5 minutes.just 5 minutes before the the time is up

- The train had been arrive, I saw my friends gesticulate totowards me and I caught up the train to sit with them.

- I had to thanksthankaboutthe speed of the Thai train and therecommendrecommendation from my friends.

Well May, your essay is good it just needs a little bit of polishing and yes your grammar needs help to. Now, I made a few inputs on the first paragraph, use this as a guideline and re-write the rest of the essay,post it back here in EF so we can help you further.

I have a few notes for you;

- tenses, when an action is done use past tense, when its an ongoing action, use the present tense of the verb

- details of your idea, as much as you want to stay detailed in your essay, if its not called for, don't include it in your essay.

We surely look forward for the re-written essay.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / A friend in need is a friend indeed. [3]

-This I suppose can be best illustrated by when I was worryworried about my problems in life and I completely disappointed my friend who help me, that named byhe's a hero.

- Another point worth mentioning is a real friend should be trusttrusted , as in the case of I did not like enter to relationship that with started by laystarts with a lie because the person who lied invaluable forlies, does not value friendship.

- What's more, I think a good friend is someone that I believe them and feel safe to share information, like when became friend each other,wedid notdon't speak badly behind me back.bad and we don't speak behind our backs.

- situations where a true friend should beunderstandsunderstand me and themy mirror of me ,

- calm and advised me for right folk, in consequently, she told me which speech was false.what is the right thing to do and know what is right or wrong.

Naph, as you see I have a few points in your essay. I suggest practice writing more, read as well, reading english books help a lot. This will enhance your vocabulary and will help you a lot with your writing skills.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Strict punishments for driving offences - safety reasons? [4]

- On the oneother hand,

- This has significantly decreased significantly the drunk driving related driving incidents.

- We would hope that higher fine fees and legal consequences would reduce the driving related accidents.

- On the other handFurthermore , there are many other ways which can be implemented to improved road safety.

- FirstlyFirst , It is very important

- SecondlySecond , by installing more..

Zoha, overall, your essay was great. You elaborated your idea in details and very good examples that are base on facts.

A few points from me;

- Proof read your article before submitting it

- Enhance your vocabulary to avoid multiple use of words.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Letters / NUS FASS appeal letter (after being rejected) - would I be granted with an offer? [2]

- ..my course of study has exposed me to a wide range of societalsociety issues as the arts hold up a mirror to our society.

- ..in terms of research and igniting interest of the subject among the young generation , and a quality...

- If I am offeredMy admission to FASS, Iwill greatly ensure you that my confidence and enthusiasm will allow me to excel in the course. I hope you can present me with the opportunity to pursue my passion in the social sciences.I hope you allow this opportunity to pursue my passion in social science.

Littlecredits, I'm not sure why you got rejected by NUS so having that in mind, I'm not sure how this appeal would help.

In an application for scholarship, they normally ask for some points to talk about or elaborate in the letter such as your background, education, your passion and the drive behind your application.

I suggest you go back to the application points to reconsider the construction of your letter, let us help you by posting it here and we will work on it together.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / How to improve you skills in English? [4]

- In my view there are one main andthere's a basic way to improve English which is to surround yourself in English including that in daily with a habit developing one's ability of the four skills reading ,writing ,listening ,speaking.

- Practicing English with nativesa native speaker helps you so much to createin creating the personality of English which is the main core to practice English.

- It presents for you the best choices to strengthen the 4 skills.

- If you have no chance of speaking to any English speaker atin reality ,

- For example'(delete the punctuation mark here, example doesn't have an apostrophe)Whenwhen you go to a restaurant..

- If you use this vocabularies in a sentence at least three times, you defiantly become a good leaner in English.

- The thing that precede all is that the power of will inside the selfyourself can make the miracle and create the ways to learn even if areit's not available.

Mariam, your essay is good, considering that you're a beginner. However, I need you need to take note of the following;

- use of punctuation marks, know when to use your period (.), comma (,), apostrophe ('), colon (:) and semi colon (;), remember that is the sentence is ending, use a period, if you are giving examples and its not the end of the sentence use comma (,)

- use of capital letters at the beginning of each and every sentence

- grammar and sentence construction should be polished as well

- proof read your essay in order to double check your work and to make sure you don't have any mistakes

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The museum should be a fun and appealing place for its visitors - shall attract and entertain people [4]

- As the technology is developing rapidly, the authority of the museum authority can install a large number of touch screen displays around the museum.

- Thus, the history will not be forgotforgotten by the future generations.

- In conclusion, I think museum should be designed for attractingto attract and entertain people, but not losing its fundamental function of education.

Michael, kudos to you for making your point in your essay and you elaborated it very well.
I agree with your conclusion, indeed museum should have the elements of being entertaining, fun and most of all educational for both young and young at heart alike.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / How to improve you skills in English? [4]

Mariam,

Regarding the remarks I made, the punctuation on the "example" and the rest of the remarks I made, this are all objective and done to help out.

Now, with this remarks, proof reading is very important to avoid such errors.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / How has the situation in Mongolia affected me and my family? Why University of X? [2]

- There are fewer hospitals with equipped with enough professionals and instruments.

-There are still many patients could not bethat are not diagnosed at early stages of the diseases and lost their life.

- As we know, the best way to deliveringdeliver healthcare service is to develop a usage of IT in health sector.

- Also, It's the way to accomplish my childhood dream byof helping people who suffered bythe diseases indirectly.

- Currently, our country has achievedreceivedfor the installment of internet or wireless and mobile phone network system almost all over the country.

Altaa, your application letter is good. It's written well and you were able to explain your reasons on applying for the scholarship. I'm just not sure if your last statement will make it because financial hardship is a very strong negative word, but that's life and we work to make it better.

Good luck and let us know when you make it.

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / 'my Filipino ethnicity' - Culture and a Central Identity - CommonApp Essay [4]

- From here, this is where I began to use my Filipino background myself, to shape my ideas on family, my personal life, and my social life

Well, NJ you did a good job writing this essay. I'm born into a different culture myself, culture that hone me to become who I am now and who I will be in the future. Indeed some people don't take it into account but it surely help, especially when you have doubts and can't figure things out or if there's something new to you that you can't seem to understand.

More efficient than anything, I encourage you to keep on exploring both cultures, challenge yourself, widen your spectrum and always have an open mind.

Travel, learn and never stop writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 Simulation: World Population by Region, 1900 and 2000 [6]

- The most significant facts tothat emerge are both changes in population proportion and the area in several regions over the two periods.

- Following this, Europe, which includedinclude Russia, became the second largest...

Trias, your analysis is great, it's detailed and true to the facts that was gathered thru the graph.

On the last part of your analysis though, mind your punctuation mark, it's the semi colon versus the colon, and if it's a continuous sentence you can use the semi colon or a comma.

Keep writing...

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Media are focusing more on the personal lives of celebrities. [3]

- Based on personality type, emotional concerns, people differ greatly in their attitude towardtowards the sort of information they get using such media.

Well, M4soud, you did well in this essay and you made your point.

Indeed, media can really influence our surroundings and us as individual. It creates an illusion or a representation of how we want the world to be seen and how the world see us.

It's a great deal of activity to handle in one sitting or one analysis, media in all sorts is very influential. As to your writing, you made a good analysis and you write in a logical and well structured order, I suggest though that you widen your perspective when media is your subject, needless to say, media and technological advancement as a whole does have good effect in our lives too.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / It is up to us to decide which one is better - either work or travel before starting a university [4]

- People tend to think that those adolescenceadults ( adolescence refers to a stage in life and not to a person ) are already able to determine their life pattern.

- To begin with, not to continue directly to university studies comes up some positive point.

- FirstlyFirst , well-known companies have tendency...

- t is probably due to the fact that employers want them to be trained in advance before entering the real workforce and sign contract to work permanently until theyretiredretire .

- Clearly, the younger the ages of employee candidateis the longer they work for the company which is good as the company nodon't need to hold recruitment many times as it is money-consumingfinancially and time consuming. .

- It is up to us to decide which one is better based theiron certain circumstances.

Kara, your writing was good. The essay was good however you need to take note of the following;

- grammar and sentence construction, I have some input above and revised a few sentences for you.

- your logic and punctuation marks are good

I suggest that you keep writing and read more so you can widen your vocabulary and be able to write better.

Cheers!!!

Graduate / My main aim is to become a PhD in plasma physics. Motivation letter writing. [4]

- ...the topics of my bachelor's and master's thesesthesis were connected with...

- In 2012 I graduated with a Master of Science degreeMasters degree in Science and I'm among the top five percent of the students.

- At the moment, the area of my research is a diagnostics (diagnosis? diagnostic is an adjective. - fixed)diagnosis of the plasma in a stellarator- heliotron ... using Langmuir probes.

- Knowledge of the Matlab was useful for me not only at work in my laboratory, but for my Institute at allas well .

- ...I was the only person who participated three times in the "some event" from myCountry,in an event to represent my country...

Andrii, overall, your letter is good, I'm hoping that it would merit you a PhD.

Some points from me;

- make sure that you stick to the main frame of the letter, meaning, provide them the information that they need and go a little further with your explanation and also provide the institution of they're take out, meaning, your contribution to the institution.

- Provide a general background of yourself especially your education, achievements and your steps towards greater good.

Don't forget to proof read your letter before you submit it and let us know how it went.

Cheers!!!

Graduate / 'The Japanese research will be continued' - letter for exchange master [3]

- For more than a decade since economic crisis, infrastructure in Indonesia has been dropped down.

- But, for ten years recently , this country cannot deal with this.

- Because ofa dam is thea complex structure, therethey will need engineers from many disciplines.

- Like a candle in the darkness, this project iscan hopefully can fix many problems related to food and infrastructure.

- Hence, I must understand clearly about the dam geo-structure and related sciences.

- Rephrasing: To sum up, if I can get the scholarship exchange I want to take thesis topic linked to embankment soil and its respond to the seismic after back from Japan so that, the research I get from Japan will be continued. I hope this exchange ease me to finish my thesis next semester.

Overall, this scholarship and exchange program will link a thesis topic to embankment of soil and it's response to seismic reaction like what happened in Japan, answers to my questions will be fulfilled and theories will be put into practice.

Kuku, your letter was good. It has all the ability to hopefully get you the scholarship.
However, I have a few points for you;

- Sentence construction, I'm not very familiar with science and its terminologies but make sure that the terms you use in your sentence is what you meant and not misleading your readers.

- Proof read you letter before you submit, proof reading it gives you a greater picture of what you wrote and idea behind it because your purring yourself in the readers position.

- Broaden your spectrum when conveying your desire for the scholarship, let them know what capacity you have to earn the scholarship, your willingness to learn and eagerness to be of service to the institution.

Best of luck and don't forget to let us know how it went.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Some effects of Internet addiction lead to consequences like health problems or relationships damage [3]

- One of the primary causes of internet addiction is that children lack instructionsguidance from people who have responsibilities such as parents or teachers.

- To illustrate, children haveare not getting majority to distinguish what are either useful or not to control themselves,

- In some case, with divorce family, just only single parent can not support (adequate appropriate / proper)proper education.

- For example, a lot of pupils in HCMC are addicted byto playing game online which is result from their parents are a lack of taking care for their children appropriately.

- Other cause of internet addiction is exploding of social networking such as TwisterTwitter or Facebook.

- In fact, today youth are really attracted bynew communication equipments which absolutely convenientlyconvenient .

- For example, the information from Tuoitre.online said that a young boy in HCMC died by spending over two days for game online without feedingeating .

- In conclusion, it can be seen that there are lots of causes of Internet addiction such as a lack of taking care from adults on their children and exploding new online programs.

- Therefore, each person needs to self- prepare andto protect ourselvesthemselves in front of developing of online programs

Vannam,

Your essay is good. You were able to explain yourself quiet well and you stick to the subject. However I have a few points for you;

- the use of "by" versus "to" in a sentence, when referring to your subject, you use "to" and "by" is use if its the cause of the action in your sentence.

Keep Writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Changes In The World Population Between 1900 and 2000 [9]

- As for Africa alone, there was a significant increase from 4% to 10%, similarly itsimilar happened in Latin America from

3% to 8% during the period, asin addition there wasis Caribbean included in the Latin America

region in year 2000.

- As the conclusion, the majority of the changes during the period of 1900 to 2000 were in Europe, Asia, Africa, and Latin America.

Well, Hetty, aside from the minor fix I did as stated above, you analysis is great. You were able to put your analysis in place and it absolutely help

that you keep your numbers in figures when describing the result of your analysis.

A note from me, PROOF READ your analysis before submitting it so you can have a final read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / 'my Filipino ethnicity' - Culture and a Central Identity - CommonApp Essay [4]

Well, NJ, the prompt is asking for a story that you just did, you gave them what they ask for so I think they will be interested in reading your prompt.

Graduate / My main aim is to become a PhD in plasma physics. Motivation letter writing. [4]

Andrii,

I looked it up and it should be written as "plasma diagnostics" because it's a research, "diagnosis" on the other hand is the result of your observation so "diagnostics" is the right word.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / Learning process requires to perform tasks using both mental and physical endurance; Fulbright [2]

- ...I was quite an average grader student.

-As he was also contestingbuying for admission in engineeringthe college of engineering ,...

- ...but then I also remind myself that he spent most of his educational life in United Kingdom and thusthis ...

- I worked hard and, practiced anddeterminatelydetermined,and surprisingly...

- The industry was whollyfully automated...

- I organized International Multi Topic Conference (IMTIC 13') with the association of Erasmus Mundus during which we luredgather out some highly reputedreputable professors around the globe to present their researches. ( "lure" is a negative word, it's like your referring to some villain in a sci-fi movie)

- who offered me research assistantshipapprenticeship .

Musa, good job in writing a very detailed letter of application. You were able to provide your reader with the details they ask you, but what about your contribution to the institution you're asking scholarship from? I guess that should be included in your letter too.

I suggest the following sentences to be added;

My capabilities on research and case study will be of great help to the institution. I will commit my time and effort in building a common ground for greater good. Paying back to the society is an utmost goal that I never forget and with this scholarship, I will not only acquire higher education but the knowledge I can pass through generations.

Good Luck Musa...let us know what comes out..

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Letters / An undergraduate student of Telecom Saint-Etienne writes the Motivation Letter for Brasil exchange [2]

- I am currently an undergraduate student of Telecom Saint-Etienne at the University of Saint-Etienne. ( be careful of word usage )

- With this letter I would like to express my strong interest for participationin participating at your Student Exchange Student Programme during yourthe second semester of 2015.

- I have principally studieda major in Embarked Electronics, telecommunications and web development during my curses.( "curses" is like an evil spell, i know you meant "courses" or your subjects but we better delete it)

- Indeed, I am very interestinginterested by your formation "engenharia de teleinformatica".

- In consequence, yourI believe the university is a very good opportunity for me to continue to improve in theses domainsfields .

- Another major reason for applying to studyingstudy in Fortaleza is the opportunity of improving my Portuguese skills.

- Indeed, I began the Portuguese language the last year.

- That gave me the occasionchance to discover a language and a culture that seem me very interesting.

- I would like in consequence, have the occasionhope to continue my learning of Portuguesestudies in Fortaleza.

- Finally, I think that studying abroad is about not only about acquiring knowledge, but also about discovering new things.

- I hope a semester at the University of Fortaleza will help me grow personally and provide knowledge I will be able to use for future studies at my home institution, and in my job later.University that will definitely shape my future.

So Franklin, I hope you consider my corrections above. Honestly, you still have to work on your english as a whole and practice writing more, post it here on EF so we can help you out. Further to your letter;

- proof read it before sending it out

- mind your word usage and spell check all the time

We wish you the best of luck and let us know what comes out of this application.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Scoring: People Living in Debts to Buy Unimportant Things [3]

- In this era, people have the tendency to make buy things with the money they do not really own to impress people. whom they are not even close with.

- Rephrasing: At the end of day, this behavior continues every year, so predictably her credit card bill became higher on the following years.

Over time, her credit card bill goes up and she's tied up into much higher interest because obviously she's not making enough to support her lifestyle.

- From my point of view, people should manage their financialfinancesmore properly.

- This can be done by setsetting priorities in spending their cash...

- All inOverallall , it is true people have a reasonreasonable options to purchase things with money they do not owndon't have .

- But I extremely believe that this consumption pattern can be solved by being wiser, as well as manage their financialmanaging their finances better.

Trias, you did a good job in writing this essay. I just have a few inputs you might want to consider;

- Proof read your essay before you submit it

- turn on your spell check all the time

- when you have doubts on sentence construction, go back and review the rules of subject and verb agreement

- provide a smooth flow of idea in your essay to ease the readers in going on with what they're reading

Keep Writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The levels of movie rentals and sales in VHS, DVD and Blu-ray formats [3]

- The most significant facts tothat emerge are movie rentals and VHS sales that slowly fell, while the number of movies which were sold in DVD and Blu-ray formats were bouncing and continuously rose respectively over the timeframetime. .

- Likewise, moviesmovie sales in VHS format slightly declined from 2002 to 2006 when it finally plunged to the big zero in 2006.

- The level of sales in this particular format remained constant until it the end of the period.

- On the other hand, movies which were sold in DVD and Blu-ray formats had different trend in same whole period.

- 2002 to 2004 witnessed a sudden jump, followed by a small growgrowth from 2005 until it peaked at above 210,000 in 2007.

Trias, once again, another good article from you. Your analysis has been great and you were very detailed. Minor set backs here and there as I will state below;

- Proof read as always

- singular and plural form of words, "movies sales", your referring to movies as your subject and its collective, use the singular form.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Level of education of Bulgarians planning to leave Bulgaria [2]

- The chart illustrates the percentage of education level in BulgariansBulgaria for Bulgarians who want to live in newanother country in 2002, 2006 and 2008.

- 2008 saw a significant decrease in higher education level, it reached at 9 %, which was the lowest level of peoplethe chart .

Alif, your analysis was good, you were able to give a detailed analysis of the chart. Just make sure about writing and referring your subject, when you refer to people, they are the "bulgarians" and of course the place where they come from is Bulgaria.

Always proof read your article before you submit it.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / A Higher Tax on Fast Food and what would be the impact on people's health [2]

- FirstlyFirst , the tax for fast food is paid by the customers.

- For example people in Indonesia originally have to pay IDR 30,000 after tax for a hamburger in McDonald's which is one the biggest fast food chains in the world.

- Thus, they shall think twice before getting one from a McDonald's outlet.

Trias, the article was great, you made your point known to your readers. I have inputs above that you might want to consider and the following as well;

- use of linking verbs, they make a complete sentence more sensible so make use of them, such as is, are, to...etc.

- proof read your article all the time

And indeed imposing higher taxes on fast food chains can be really bad and will have a lot more negative impact than positive.
Healthier choice of food is abundant but they can be costly too so it's a matter of choice.

Recent studies also show that healthy food is not that healthy anymore as our vegetables are not grown the way they are suppose to be, most of them are cultured and technologically grown too. This leaves us to be more cautious in making food choices.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!