Speeches / What is the price we will pay for a society dependent on technology? [2]

Assan, Welcome to EssayForum!!! It's the first time I read your writing, I assume this is your first.
Now, here's my corrections;

- ThroughoutThrough time our main goal as a species has been to achieve perfection.

- Until Vincent assumes the identity of Jerome Morrow, a perfect genetic specimen who is a paraplegic as a result of a car accident, gives him a chance to achieve his goal.

- People will be denied equal opportunity which is ina violation of their basic human rights, that everyone is seen equal.

As you can see, I only saw minor corrections. However, I would suggest that you also consider the following;

- mind your linking verbs

- when delivering your speech, show full conviction, give power to your words and last but definitely not the least, give life to your speech

- proof read and own your speech like it's the air you breathe

I was once part of an organization that teaches or shall I say coaches students for their speech and I think the key that sets our students apart from others, is that, they give their speech a whole new life, the give their heart to it.

Good luck and don't forget to let us know what happens..

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / The job you like when you finish your education. [2]

- Of all the jobs I have known, marketermarketing is perhaps the one I think about after my graduation.

- It seems to be a very hard work and in many ways requiring high qualification.

- Marketing gives me a chance to deepdeeply understand real life, know what people want and make them satisfy their demand.

- In other words, it is just simply learnlearning about the way that human thinkingthink .

- Additionally, athe basics that any professional marketer always need to have is patience.

- You can notcannot convince any partner or customer to agree without the patience.

- All of this makemakes a marketer jobis a hard job.

- Besides, it is also an interesting job that is pretty suitable for me in future.

- Today, thus , i will try my best day by day to be a good marketerin marketing in the future.

Enn, as you can see most of your sentences have one or two corrections, this is because the word choice is not making sense or is lacking a few kicks in it. I suggest doing a practice that really works for me, read the sentence out loud and when if they don't sound good, there's definitely something to fix.

- proof reading is also a good practice

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The new Internet problems. Threat for the children and cyber crime - IELTS [3]

Gundam, WELCOME TO EssayForum, definitely one of the best forums you can ever be.

Now, I will work on your essay. Upon proof reading it, here's what I found;

- However, this outstanding achievement associates with unprecedented issues relating to underage access to dangerous websites and a cyber crime.

- First, the Internet is conducive to young children's access to pornography sites, which may impair their mental health.

- Although, the age requirement is put in place during the registerregistration process, children can still make a fictitious claim about their ages.

- A solution to remedy this isis to minimize as farmuch as possible the risk of being deprived of personal information.

- For instance, Internet users should refrain themselves from disclosing their personal information on Facebook.

- In summary, the co-ordinationcoordination ( this is one word ) of parents in keeping an eye on their children and the caution taken by Internet users showhas shown to be effective in addressing the Internet-related problems.

So there you have it Gundam, hopefully the corrections I made will help you.
Score will be at 7, I believe you wrote this essay well and the flow and sentence construction is good.

- Proof read it and you should be good to go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Book Reports / Elisa is a short story. It talks about a little girl. Describing a book. [4]

- The story isnamesnamed after her.

- She is from outside, but she is different.( what do you mean by she is from "outside" ) She loves reading a lot.

- Even if she is 5 years old, she is persisted on enteringpersistent in going to school.

- She is a 5 yearsyear old girl; a child who needs care, love and support especially from parents.

- The woman is bitten( "bitten" is from the word "bite") beats her.

- She sufferssuffered from the heaviest hourheavy hours of work and the bad difficulties of life; food, clothes and bed.

- She feels aslike a slave, thing and machine that created just for work and accept her terrible destinedestiny .

- However, she forget her pursuepurse and Elisa follows her outside the shop.

- So, she decides to adopt her and make her dream of being educatedof education come true.

- Staying the same person even if theythere are difficulties is a great key to show otherothers that values canis a reliable shield against evil and all forms of corruption.

Fatima, this is indeed a good story to tell. It's well written, GOOD JOB!!!
The corrections I made, hopefully, will increase the understanding of people towards your story.

Proof read this and yu should be good to go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / What's The Truth? Ralph Nader vs. The Automobile [3]

Nicole, since Christine already made corrections on the first few paragraphs, I'll work on the last few ones.

Here's what I have for you;

- "The NHTSA concluded that the handling and stability performance of the 1960-63 Corvair does not result in an abnormalabnormality and potential for loss of control or rollover,

- Although much of his claims were unfoundeddidn't have a foundation , and in some cases incorrect,...

So, there you have it, just a couple of corrections, very minor. It's a well written article. Your citations are well researched too, very good.

However,I would like you to take these notes and points;

- mind your punctuation marks

- your citation can be associated in your article by incorporating them enclosed in parenthesis

- the article has a lot of facts and the details are just amazing, however you have to note that unless the notes are proven and become facts, that's a fine line that separates your article.

Extensive research and work digging is definitely needed in order to prove your point and bring the message across.Writing a book is one that fulfill one's mission in sending a message and backing it up with allegations is somewhat heavy and for some, a burden.

Overall, it's an article worth reading and the arguments is worth debating.

Good job

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / "Time flies". So grab all the moments you can within the time. Indeed college years are the best. [6]

Sally, I'll be working on your essay. Hopefully it helps;

- College years is too soon to passtoo pass soon and leave a vestige on us for lifetime.

- It teaches us many valuable lessons, can make new friends and form a base to face the life ahead.

- An experience of an educational tour for 4 years teaches us many valuable lessonsa great deal of knowledge about life in general .

- College dodoes not only teaches us the bookish knowledge but endows us with myriads of priceless lessons.

- It directs you onto the right path to your destination.

- They are still alive in my memory and We often meet and re- live the memories of our college days.

- Including valuable lessons and making new friends, college supply a base for us to face the upcoming life ahead .

- Eventually, college years are the best years of one's life. as it endows us with lessons,we delete this phrase as it has been used too many times throughout the essay) friends and inner-strength to face the real world.

- Twelve years of school and four more years of college, then you work out till you die Total of 16 long and life enriching school days and of we go for yet another colorful chapter of life.

- SO GO LIVE YOUR FOURTHIS FULL FRUITFUL FOUR YEARS! DON'T YOUDARE MISS THEM!

So, there you have it. I made some corrections, most of the grammar and sentence construction which is quiet major corrections but I know you will do better next time.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / How receiving an Endeavour Scholarship or Fellowship would make a difference to your personal life? [2]

One thing that I want to share with you, when it comes to scholarship applications, you also have to include your future contributions to the institution and the community, the faculty always look for a give and take in the process, which I believe is just the best way people should work in order to have a balance in life.

Good luck with your application and do let us know what happens, we would love to hear from you.

Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / We can not critique Internet as good or bad. It is a multifaceted problem. [3]

- ToIn my point of view, I strongly believe that the good or bad influence of internet is depend on us.

- On the oneother hand, the internet plays an integral part in an integrated and developed world.

- It is impossible to gain information quickly from all corners of the world just by using thethe traditional waysway .

- But with internet, we can see a huge stepping- stone in our life:; gaining information in a lightning speed, having distance education just by staying at home and learning online lesson, watching the lives inlife as it unfolds in different parts of the world, even the milky way which is billions of light years far from us.

- How Can we imagine about a world missingthe world without this miraculous device in one day?

- We can notcannot deny or replace the benefits of the internet, especially in a world which is developing every second.

- As the Internet accelerates the speed of Information, there are tons of harmful and useless information is out of control.

- If we do not prepare or perceive how dangerous they are, we can easily be affected in mentalmentally and have a poor vision about life.

- We can easily have muscle aches, dizziesdizziness and diabetes if we stay in one position for a long time. So can we put the internet into the word "perfect"?

Phoenix, your essay is written well, as you can see I only made a few grammar corrections, it's may seem a few but grammar corrections are major ones so I suggest you work on that on your next article. You also have to work on the following;

- use of linking verbs

- word choice

Overall, this is a good piece to read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Advertisement on USA summer camps jobs - write why you want work there. [2]

- Summer camps are regarded as significant activities to build children's skills and develop their abilities to create good generation ina better future.

- So I have bebeen interested in summer camps since I was eight years old .

- Moreover , I am legible to join USA summer camp , and I meet all USA summer requires .that will enable me to meet other people.

- Firstly:First, my English language is excellent.

- thus , I feel so active , I am active and I always wake up early to do exercises.

- ThirdlyNext , my experience in managementmanaging summer camps is over five years.

- In addition, I have attended Management and leadership course for 60 hourscourses .

- Because I work as coordinator of organizing summer camps in Ministry of Education for primary schools who their aged between 7 to 13 years old .

- In conclusion, Really, I am looking forward to join USA summer camps.

-In order to, offeringshare my experience to serve young students. Moreover,and ultimately to develop my skills and exchange experiences.

M19, there you have it, my corrections for your essay. I salute you having the passion to help and serve others, being in summer camps is truly a rewarding experience.

Now, I have a few points that may help you further;

- use of punctuation mark, when you break a sentence to emphasize your idea, use comma (,) when ending a sentence, use period (.), you have to know exactly when and where to place your punctuation marks

- capitalize the first letter of the first word at the beginning of each sentence

- grammar construction and the logic of ideas on your essay, this are major writing issues that you have to take care of.

Good luck on your quest.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / My first essay to apply for scholarships! (Graduating 2016) - Why i deserve X scholarship? [4]

Tiyeda, first of all WELCOME to EssayForum...we're glad to have yet another member of the forum..

Now, writing an application for scholarship is never easy, however if this is what you want then we will be here to help out.

- I need thisThis scholarship because I know how much my mom wants me to succeed, that's all she's ever wanted from me.will be my key to advance and succeed in life, it will also be my proof to show my parents, especially my mom, that I can succeed in life.

- What girlWho would notdoesn't want to be able to run to her dad if a guy breaks her heart?

- It tears me apart inside, for the longest time I thought I did something wrong, always blaming myself.

- Since my mother has lupus he knowknows that stress is a key component in causing it to flare and that is exactly what he is trying to do.

- Right now in my life my motivation is on making my mom proud, giving her a peace of mind, I hate to see her struggle.

- She is too good of a person for me not to do thethat one thing that she asks of me, which is getting the most education I can and becomingbecome a registered nurse.

- But of course I'll only find out the authenticthat magnificent reaction I will receive when that day comes.

So there you go, Tiyeda, I made a few corrections, however, I have to be honest with you, the points that the institution would seek in order for them to grant you the scholarship is not only due to your current family and financial status, they will look more into your academic standing and what you can contribute as a student.

I suggest re- writing your application with the notes and points I have given.

Good luck and let us know if you need further assistance.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Do you think that universities should be available for all students and free? [2]

- University education is the cornerstone of development in all fields of life, medicine, engineering, sciences, and others.

- To begin with, all students have the rights to complete their studyingstudy .

- It encourages students to pursue their studyingstudies on these subjects.

- ConsequenceAs a reward, this will bring forth graduates that will contribute to build and develop their countries.

- In other words, government will be the first winner.it's a win - win situation.

- In Additionally, some students are forced to work part-time to save money fortopayingpay to university,

- But this problem can be solved, if the government imposes tax to supportingsupport universities.

-For instance, many countries put tax on companies to fund education .

- ThereforeIn the long run , many graduates infrom diverse majors will take part in the development these companies and make several achievements .make a difference.

- In conclusion, university education should be available for all students. In particular,particularly critical disciplines., ]which are important to gain accomplishment in these fields which that are considered lifeblood for all people.

M19, there you have it, I made a few corrections, I would also like you to keep these in mind;

- the use of punctuation marks

- where and when to cut your sentences, same goes with starting your sentences

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / People benefits more from travelling in their own country than from travelling to foreign countries. [6]

- First, travelling (spell check, "traveling") in our country helps our flourishing of economy.

- So, he had to take much money withfor himself.

- Accordingly , he wentgoes to ana foreign exchange and bought around 3000 Dolor.

- Afterwhen he came backhome , he had no money and spent all in Turkey.

- But , I used to travel in my country.

-Additionally, I think our children firstly need to know about their country.

- But he was interested in seeing them from nearup close .

- Finally, when we travel insidein our own country, we can be familiar with different cultures and languages.

- For instance, when I was kid, we went to the south part of Iran.

- I was shocked due towith their clothsclothes , languages that they communicate and also their wedding ceremony.

- I can say it was an amazing experience for me andthat I will never forget.

- For those aforementioned reasons, I personally believesbelieve that travellingtravelinginsidein our country is better than to foreign country. Due , it has many benefits for us and also for our country.

- The benefits are include burgeoning our country's economiceconomy , helping families to know and touch the history fromnearup close and being friends with people through ceremonies and cultures of different parts of our country.

Marned, as you can see, I made corrections all throughout the essay, this is simply because of grammar, sentence construction and the logical arrangement of your ideas. Make sure that when you write, you think about your essays plot, draft it, proof read it and when you do proof read, you set yourself as a reader, now when your done, ask yourself, does the essay make sense, did it send the message you want to send, if the answers are no, then enhance your essay. Also, mind the use of your punctuation marks and turn on your spell check all the time.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Compare/Contrast Essay - Similarities and differences between Me and my Brother [5]

Congratulations Bluebabey!!!

There's no greater joy for an editor like myself than to know that I was able to contribute to your success.

We #Keepwriting and enjoy it.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The students should do part-time job to look at how different the real world is. [4]

- FirstlyFirst , working would help students fill gaps in their knowledge, especially for practical knowledge which they may not acquire completely at their schools.

- For example:, A final-year law student...

- In fact, people learn the best by theirwith experience as the saying goes: "Experience is the best teacher".

- SecondlyNext , taking a part-time job is a great opportunity for students to demonstrate their ability.

- For example: Before, before an exam, the student needs much time to prepare carefully, but the manager will not accept to pay for a staff who do not devote all their time to working.

Chou, good job on this essay, it's written well, as you can see I don't have that much changes made to it.
Just mind the following as well;

- punctuation marks

- word choice

- proof read it and off you go...

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph to give advice for beginners of the English language ( About 140 words) [3]

- It's advisable that beginners of the English language should take the four following advicecritics .

- FirstlyFirst , they should put their love in it.

-However, once having beenthey have absorbed in E,all of their skills are improved dramatically.

- SecondlyNext , it's recommended that they notdon't translate sentences from Vietnamese to English. Because,because learners are affected by their mother tongue, they tend to make silly sentences whose meanings are not clear.that are meaningless.

- Consequently, they slow down their progress of English by themselvesin learning the language .

- ThirdlyNow , English language beginners should not try not to speak words that they do not know theirthe pronunciations because it will be hard for them to pronounce correctly those words laterthe words correctly later on .

- In short, English ais a lovely language to learn if people have foundwill be able to find their own suitable methods.

Vtnmai, first of all, WELCOME to essay forum. It's always great to welcome a new member to the EF family.

Now, your essay is good, however, you can see that I made a few corrections, I hope it helps.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / Notre Dame 'good story' essay: 150 eye-catching words. [3]

-A shame, really, to transition from pansophical I'm not sure what you'd like to say but I'm guessing you want to take on a word

synonym to "bizarre" ) beings to utterly normal ones and then back again;

Odall, first of all, WELCOME to EssayForum!!! It's always amazing to have a new member of our ever-growing family.

Well, let's tackle your essay, honestly, I'm just overwhelmed with your word choice, I understand that the "Notre Dame", is such a very good piece of

writing, with the best words you could ever imagine, what's separating it from your essay is, "Notre Dame" was written as a novel, and yours is an

essay that has the novel as a subject.

What you did here was, you tried to re-write the novel the way you understand it and I must say, it's not working pretty good.

The essay is asking for eye-catching words but that doesn't mean that you put in words that nobody understand or somebody like me that needs to look up every single word that you have in a sentence.

So, overall, I'm suggesting a total revision.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Should government support local film makers financially? [4]

- In a modern world, the movie industry is largely dominated by developed countries, where these filmmakers have often strive to exceed the viewer's expectation.

- This raises a hot potato issue('hot potato" in itself is an issue ) whether government should support local filmmaking industry.

- This essay will explainexplains the root cause of the emergent fond towards foreign films and solution to this issue.

- Numerous of foreign movie companies has the financial robust for special effects,....

- Furthermore, they are capable of offeroffering attractive salary for renowned actress, actors as well as directors.

Wei, I'm not sure, but I guess you're new to Essay Forum, if you are, A VERY WARM WELCOME!!!
It's always amazing to have one more addition to the EF family.

Now, we head to your essay, I can honestly say, it's written well, as you can see I only have a few corrections.
The corrections I made were mainly the choice of words that you have in your sentence composition.
Remember this is a major point as it is what constitute your essay, so be careful and know the exact form of the word
that you choose to form your sentences and your essay as a whole.

- proof read every piece of writing that you do

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / "My Terrible Neighborhood" - Stating reasons and giving examples paragraph. [4]

Chamsky, WELCOME to Essay Forum!!! We are glad to have yet another member of the EF family.

Now, we go ahead and proof read your essay;

- My neighborhood is the worst place to live, so I have to another one because I cannot afford its rooms;( I have no idea what would you like to say at this part, I'm guessing; so I got a different one because I cannot afford the rooms )

- it is very perilous, and the people isare extremely noisy.

- For example,(this sentence should be a continuation from the previous one), Pablo pays 240 dollars monthly for his room even more expensive than my friends'( no need for apostrophe on the word "friends") rooms.

- Thieves brakebreak into the houses very often.

- For instance,( I understand that you need to provide examples on this essay but that doesn't mean that you have to use the word, "for instance" or "for example" all the time or as many as you can ) They broke into three houses last week.

- They yell extremely loud every night. In fact, you can hear them if you are standing totwo blocks away.

- In brief, my neighborhood is the most horrible place to live because of its high price rooms, dominated by thieves area, and inconsiderate and
uneducated people.

Well, there you have it Chamsky, most of the corrections I made are quiet major like grammar and the use of your linking verbs, so be careful and study on that.

I must say this neighborhood where you are is definitely one place that you should never live, check out a few places, for sure there are a lot more options for your $200 that's worth every bit of it.

Don't forget to proof read your essay at all times.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / Endeavour Scholarship and Fellowship community service essay [3]

- I volunteered to teach English on 5th grade class at the elementary school on thatin the village.

- The school was short on teachers and itthey only have one book for each subject, therefore the children's education were left far behind the curriculum.

- The children of the class were easily distracted and played alota lot .

- Therefore, I came up towith an idea to make it intohave a quiz.

- And The best experience is when the students said that they wanted to be like me, go to college and have a good english skillskills so they can travel the world.

Ayankkit, overall I can say that your essay is in the middle range, not too strong and not weak either.
I made a few corrections, I hope it helps. Since this is for a scholarship application, I suggest you elaborate and write more, it really doesn't matter if what you did was for a month, a week or so, what matters is your willingness to contribute to the welfare of the community and to the environment as a whole, remember the goal is for greater good and for an experience that will enrich your soul through selfless contribution.

Oh by the way, WELCOME TO ESSAYFORUM!!!

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Criminal habitual relapse. Cause and suggestions [4]

Lacuslyne, first of all, WELCOME to EssayForum!!! It's always amazing to have yet another fantastic member of the EF Family.

So, here's my contribution;

- There are many factors regardingcontributing to this this issue.

- Therefore, theyThey often lack general knowledge as well as skills which are essential in the working environment.

- To be more specific, they should stop focusing on keepingto keep those offenders away...

- To sum up, the problem of recidivism is a depressing onematter that needs great collaboration between governments and normal individuals.citizens as a whole.

So, there you have it. A few corrections that will hopefully help in enhancing your essay, just mind your choice of words as it makes up the sentence.

Overall, it's written well, good job!!!

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Is Consumerism a major problem for societies today? [2]

Niravv, I would like to take this opportunity to WELCOME you to EssayForum. You're yet another addition to the growing EF Family.

Now, I'm going to work partially on your essay with the focus on what really matters most.

So here it is;

2nd paragraph

- Because this waste isn't sorted properly and just dumped, lots of industrial chemicals are being leakedleaking onto LEDC soil and making it harder for them to grow food.

- Strategies justsuch as product dismantling and Reduce Reuse Recycling (use a comma (,) to separate this 3 words) will help us fix waste management problems all over the world.

- Product dismantling is a specification that can be constructed by companies that allows their industrial products to be dismantledbroken down into smaller parts that can be recycled and used to repair other industrial products.

- Consumerism is causing lots of environmental issues that are mainly found in LEDC's, MEDC nations need to take steps to help develop LEDC's and stop exploiting the environmental protection .

4th paragraph

- When looked at in a positive light, consumerism is beneficial to our societiessociety .

- Most nations' (no need for the apostrophe on "nations") economies depend on the public purchasing goods.

- If consumerism wasn't so large than most countries they would have lower employment rates because of all the jobs that would be lost from retail and construction of products.

Last and final paragraph

- There are both negatives such as environmental problems, unsafe waste disposal and corporate brain washing, and the positives toof consumerism. Consumerism is an increase in consumption, more consumption creates more jobs and more income into societies and more income causes more consumption.

So there you go, I made a few corrections, I hope it helps.

Just mind the following;

- choice of words and their form

- try not to use "because" at the beginning of your sentence

- proof read it

Overall, I loved reading it, and I can say you're off to a good start.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / What should be taught in universities? [3]

- It is widely believed that university acts as a main drivedriver for economic growth, a strong foundation for an individuals prosperity and social mobility.

- Personally, i strongly thinkbelieve that universities should concentrate their main concern on students employability.

- Judging byfrom the present situation, youth unemployment seems to increase at a rapid pace.

- The main culprit of this phenomenon is believed to be the unpractical and unrealistic curriculacurriculum provided by universities.

- On the contrary, for those who wish to work for a big corporation with international reputereputation , such skills as team-work, critical thinking or problem solving must be enhanced.

- In effect, all subjects solveserve a different purpose, which, at some point of our life, may be useful.

- In thea nutshell, schools should focus on teaching essential skills for future employment without overlooking and forgetting about other subjects.

Lacuslyne, this is a good piece of writing and I agree that focus and order of importance is good in developing the minds of our students. As one said, our children is the key to our brighter future, add a little bit of hardwork, knowledge and the can - do attitude, they should be good to go and face our ever challenging world.

Proof read all your writing

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The web let us have an easy access to the latest information and let us easily bond with each other. [3]

Shuyuan, I believe your new to EssayForum, a very warm WELCOME to the EF Family...

Now, I'll make some contributions to enhance your essay;

- we do notdon't need to travel totoo far away places to get the data whichthat we need.

- For example, I can easily find a lot of related knowledgeinformation on the Web when II'm doing my research paper.

- In other words, I don't have to go tothe library to viewreview every book.

- In addition, information update quickestis very quick on the Internet.

- Newspaper, TV program, and magazine do not asdoes not have quick updatesquickly have the latest news as the Internet dodoes .

- Last but not the least, Webs provide many personal information and we can easily get betterto know about others and make friends with them.

- Even thoughHowever, many people isconcernconcerned that this will against thetheir personal privacy, I still think it is not a big deal comparingcompared to its benefits.

- Besides, the personal information is usually have disclosure by themselves.

- Take Facebook as an example, we can only see the message and personal info that bearepostposted by the person.

There you have it, Shuyuan, just mind your word choice and the form of the word you choose, also review your grammar as it is very essential in order for your sentences to make sense.

Overall, it's a good start, practice writing more, don't forget to proof read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / It is quite common presently for younger people to have a break from studying after graduating [3]

Jaggi, I agree with EF_Carol, your essay is written well, good job!!!

However, I would like to share what I found out upon proof reading your essay;

- It is quite common these days for younger people in many countries to have a break from studying after graduating from high school to gain some real life experience by visi ting or working in different countries. (the corrections I made on the part may look very minor but believe me they make a difference, that's why proof reading your essay before submitting it is a big plus)

- There are multifarious reasons to support the notion of a year gap year before entering into university education.

- Perhaps the major advantage in terms of personal life is that youngsters become self-confident when they travel away from their home,because in this situations they would need to takestake all their decisions on their own ability.

- Other significant reason is that when they visit different countries they will get a chance to broaden their horizons and knowledge about culture and traditions of other places.

- Another compelling cause is that while getting admitted into university,students need a knowledge about specific field in which they starts their study.

- So they take off a year after high school fulfilto fulfill this demand because it gives the opportunity tofor candidates to explore their surroundings while working in corporations.

- This would be a win-win situation from all perspectives.Academically,it is widely believed that the student who enroll ed in any workstype of job before university education may obtains good score than others.

There you have it, a little help from my end. I hope it helps and make sure that you follow through, mind the points below;

- spell checker to be turned on all the time

- word choice and the form

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / "Psychology wasn't my first choice" - UC transfer personal statement [3]

Deftpunk, WELCOME to Essayforum Family!!!

Here's my help on your application.

- To tell the truthHonestly , Psychology wasn't my first choice in regards to what I wanted to do with my life.

- InFrom the beginning, architecture was my first choice when it camecomes to my future.

- Over the course of my life and education, Psychology was rooted intoat the back of my head unbeknownst to who I projected into the outside world.

- It interested me because it had answers as to why people are depressed,...

- I sought my own methods toin dealing with my personal problems through research and I avidly continue searching, but what reinforced my desire to explore Psychology was volunteeringwhen I volunteered one spring. .

-In my Spring of 2015 semester I volunteered at Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Center where a variety of patients suffer from different levels of mental illnesses.

- The center had an unusually gloomy aura due to the negativity encircling the residents, butand that is why people like me decide to volunteer.

- Being exposed to nurses and psychiatrist's working directly with patients allowed to me to understand what went wrong in my past and how I can use my own experiences to help other people.

- Simply speaking with ill patients was enough for me to fall in love with this line of work. The idea that I can have an impact on someone's life through simply listening to their story amazes me because human beings are in fact social creatures that desire understanding and communication.

- Something I never had, but desire to give. ( I'm not sure what you want to tell in this sentence)

- As ambitious as my goals seem, I know they are not impossible because I've seen the impossible resolved by the patients ofat Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Centerand in the eyes of the patients there is hope with the help of people like me .

- People endlessly stumble through life and they do in order to see the the path towards inner peace.

Deftpunk, overall, your application is good. I made a few corrections that hopefully will enhance your letter.
However, I want to put myself on the moderators side, the moderator will have to check and weigh your letter and will determine your admissibility.

Now, I believe letter lacks the points in terms of answering how can you contribute to the community and to the organization as a whole, remember, it's a give and take process, they allow you to get the best education and you in return should devote your time and energy to the institution.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The intrinsic value of doing homework. Is it necessary for students? [2]

Kuroneko, WELCOME to EssayForum, we're an ever - growing family and we're happy to have you!!!

Now, I will try to help you enhance your essay.

- Homework is entirely very familiar to every student.

- First and foremost, by means of doing homework, they have another opportunity to review all the knowledge and materials they learn atin class, which helps them not only find out what they do not understand and make it out but also learn the lessons again.

- Secondly, that students do their homework allows teachers to track students' educational progress and helps them determine how well they acquire knowledge is acquired by their students .

There you have it Kuroneko, a few corrections from my side that will hopefully help.
You're off to a good start in writing and I know you can do more.

Keep writing

Cheers!!

Writing Feedback / Insecure feelings in people. Causes and suggestions. [3]

- There is a large number of number(make sure to proof read) of people who experience the sense of being unsafeunsafetiness either at home or when they are out.

- Personally, I think this issue is very much related to criminal situation, social media and news media which should receive more attention and concerns from both governments and the public.

- Thus, more and more people are being competed and having difficulties in getting and maintaining their position in their current careersas competition is getting higher .

- Those who lose in job due to competition are more likely to be tempted by illegal activities and become criminal,

- which provides the best explanation forof the increasing innumbers of criminals every year. -

- Secondly, people's mental and spiritual life are presently continually bombarded by all sorts of negative information from newsthe media.

- Too much exposure to such information can, for most of the time, takes a huge toll on their outlook of life.

There you have it, a few corrections that will hopefully help.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Are testing and examinations justified? The current system needs some improvements. [4]

- To begin with, the most obvious advantage of testing and exams ( "testing and exams", this is synonym to each other and basically very redundant, I suggest keeping or choosing one term to use ) is the fact that it allows teachers to get access to students' educational and understanding process.

- Marks and points in some exams convey a fairly clear view of each student's level as well as the degree to which students understand the subject matter, teachers can thereby employapply corresponding teaching strategies suitable for all students.

- What is more, examinations and testing also help parents to get a grasp of their children's educational situations at schools to put them under regular supervision if needed to be.

- To put itin theIn a nutshell, the benefits of testing can far outstrip its disadvantage.

Good job, this is a well written cause and effect essay.
However, be mindful of the following;

- word choice

- sentence structure, you tend to go back and forth with your idea

- proof read

- verb use especially your linking verbs

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Are examinations good selectors off the classrooms? [3]

Tuananh, WELCOME to EssayForum Family, we're growing and we're thrilled to have you as part of the family.

I'll be working on your essay and hopefully I can help enhance it and share my expertise in the English language.

- Another special consideration in this case is that exams promote civila healthy competition among individualsstudents .

- To specifySpecifically , it can be clearly seen that good marks and high study results are dominant factors and tools of intelligence measurement;, as a result,

- this rapidly self-developing ofdevelop students canto reach its height in such competitive environments.

- In addition, assessments can be perfect means for teachers to evaluate their teaching methods so as to give new strategies and increase the effectivenesseffectivity in teaching theirin lessons.

- In contrastIn the contrary , examinations also have a number of drawbacks.

So, there you have it, a little help from my side, hopefully it works.
I suggest that you follow through and mind the following;

- word choice

- verb form

- linking verb

- grammar and sentence construction as this is a major point to consider in order to create a good piece of writing

- proof read

Overall, you're off to a great start, practice writing more and read a lot, this helps your vocabulary and will definitely enhance your writing skills.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Financial penalties in traffic. Should fines be mainly applied rather than some other policies? [6]

- therefore, financial finingpenalty can be an effective tool to reduce the percentage of illegal driving.

- Added in moreIn addition , monetary obligation required for illegal drivers is usually higher than theirs economic capabilities; as a result, people can be much more careful when driving.

- Apparently, instead of imprisoningserving jail time or capturing drivers' licenses or vehicles, financial penalties can significantly reduce the rates of traffic infractions.

- In particular, if over usingthe abuse of this policy in large-scale, this might lead to thea greatly contempt of traffic laws of the minority of the so-called high social standings or rich people since cash is not a matter for them. -

- Furthermore, negative thinking may also be formed in the citizens' awareness about this policy this can be thea tool to enlargeincrease the budgets of traffic polices and their authorities.

Tuananh, I made a few corrections on your essay. You have a good point in this issue and I can see you are practicing to write more which is very good. A friendly reminder, mind the following;

- linking verbs

- verb forms

- proof read all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The appreciation for positive actions is the best way to teach [5]

Anamikam, first of all, WELCOME to the EssayForum Family!!! It's a pleasure to welcome you to the ever-growing EF Family.

So, let me help you out a little bit;

- The best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones.
This statement actually caught my attention the first time I read your essay due to the fact that I'm just against the idea of ignoring negative actions, however I'll continue reading for me to get your point, after all, I want to read your argumentative essay.

- Therefore, I believe that praise for positive action is best way to teach. I have few points to support my instancesground .

- Firstly , appreciation makes our moral high forin learning difficult things .

- When we want to achieve something, which is difficult and hard to learn (mind your punctuation marks, if the sentence is too long, the idea is lost, this is when a comma (,) or a period (.) comes in, in order to make your sentence mean more ) , if somebody boost up us up then we can get thanthat goal.

- For instance, when I was in class eighth grade , I got poor mark in history.

- I lost my confidence however I promise to do better in the next exam.

- At that time my parents inspired me by ]to praise praising my character.

- Thus, their inspiration boost up my confidence and in the next exam I secured excellent mark.

So there you have it, I hope I was able to help. You still have a lot to do, follow thru and mind the following;

- verb forms

- grammar and sentence construction

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Why is sport is important at school? [4]

- Therefore, Ministries of education have planned to design a curriculum to help students to build their cognitive capacities .

- Thus it is significant to achieve thea balance between academic and Athletic classes to support educational process to get perfect outcomes.

- First, physical education is mainstayessential to strengthen student's body and keep their health.

- Moreover, the role of school develops and enhances student's talent for example, swimming, football or volleyball.

- SecondlyNext , A sport is important to improve academic performance through accelerating blood circulation to stimulate the concentration and attention of the student inside the class to raise student's understanding.

- On the other hand, when students take sequential scientific subject instance,such as physic, chemistry, math and biology, signs of stress and boringboredom are notedsignificant on student, and it reduces the attention and concentration.

- Thus itThis reflects negatively on student's understanding.

M19, I made a few corrections on your essay, I hope it helps.
Now that you have been writing for a while, follow thru the corrections that I made and you can definitely enhance your essay.
Also, mind the following;

- grammar and sentence construction

- linking verbs

- proof read your essay all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Responsibility of problems - People or Governments [3]

Eric27,

WELCOME to the EssayForum Family, it's a pleasure to have yet another member of the ever-growing EF Family.
Now, I will help you out with your essay;

- This world is wounded with problems butand to overcome the problems should wedo people should contribute ourselves or the government?

- Although few might look this into different perspective but majority advocatesfavors the idea that we people are responsible for the problems that we face today.

- Bangladesh government remained irresolute on dealing with the famine since it did not have any sufficient resources to fix the economic engine that broke down because of the war but there came a turning point came when Dr. Younus came to Bangladesh....

- In conclusion, today we live in a society where people have their rights to speak, to stand up for problems and to solve their problems.

So, there you have it, a few correction from my end, I hope it help enhance your essay.

Overall, it's a good piece of writing as you can see I only have a few corrections .
However, mind the following;

- sentence construction and grammar

- linking verbs

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Do movies or TV influence people's behaviour? Use specific reasons and examples in your answer. [3]

Alina,

WELCOME to EssayForum, it's always a pleasure to have yet another member of the ever- growing EF Family.

Let me help you enhance your work;

- It is as sure as a gun that TV and movies are the most influential resources of beingfor people to get informed for people .

- But they are all bandedbonded by the fact that this entertainment has a direct affecteffect on their behavior.

- He literally goes through fire and water but the perseverance and optimism leaded him to success.

- Nevertheless, like everything in this world , TV and movies have their own bad siteside such as stupid programs or films for adults only.

- Firstly , some individuals consider TV as "idiot box" for consisting over-the-top shows which lead to blocking people's intellectual ability.

There you have it Alina, a few corrections from my end.
I suggest you follow thru and enhance your essay so you can practice and while you do, mind the following;

- sentence construction

- word choice

- be objective all the time

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Having more than one job. Possible causes and suggestions for future working. [3]

- Firstly , due to the demand of having more exciting working....

- SecondlyNext , thanks to the development of technology, many occupations have become less heavierheavy so workers can have more free time.

Tuananh, there you have it, very minor corrections from my side.

Overall, you did a good job in writing this essay.
Practice more and when you do write more, mind the following;

- proof read all the time

- sentence construction is a vital content of an essay

You are doing great in writing you essays, keep up the good work.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Nature and nurture on human's intelligence - innate inheritance and personal experiences influence [2]

- In my opinion, neither of these two factors alone is enough for individuals'one's development.

- SecondlyNow , nurture plays a vitally important role as leveraging pedals for reaching self-domestication of human's full potential of intelligenceintellect .

- It is perhaps commonly believed that environmental factors are important for one's development of intelligence, but another inescapableundeniable fact is being left out of consideration is genetic relations.

- Primarily, level of intelligence is mostly determined by depending on genetic inheritance.

- Nevertheless, it's not only wits and innate abilities, are enough forit's also people's thorough development of intelligence but alsoand environmental influences andas well as acquired experiences.

There you have it, a little help from my end, hopefully it enhanced your essay.

Overall, it's a good piece of essay, keep practicing and write more.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Technology is not an obstacle for a human being in thinking, and doesn't reduce intellectual skills [4]

Kup,

WELCOME to the EssayForum Family, it's always a pleasure to welcome yet another member of the ever - growing EF Family.

Now, let me work on your essay;

- Technology is not aan obstacle for a human being to think and decrease thetheir intellectual skill.

- But it solves many big problems which is almost impossible to do with out technology."with out", is one word "without") , Aa nd save enormous time.

- For instancesS uppose someone wants to travel from one place to other for delivering message then he can do it in minimal time with technology compared to without use ofnot using technology.

- It has been seen that in world war - 2, it was very difficult for British to decipher the German code "Enigma", then Allen Turing has developed a machine which could donedo it in a very small time and was able to save millions of life.

So, there you have it Kup, a partial help for corrections on your essay from my side. I did it partially so that you can follow thru and practice writing better. Now, when you do, mind the following;

- sentence construction

- grammar

- word choice

- proof read your essay all the time

- linking verbs

Re- write it and post it back here on EF so we can enhance it further.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Overweight now is becoming a serious health threat globally [2]

- Then, another an important factor for weight loss is exercising efficiently andwith high-intensity.

- Again, this pattern also is going to raise heart health rate in the long run.

- In addition to this, with high regularly exercise and adding a healthy diet will beis an effective fat-burning machine to restore an excellent health normally .

- Last but not the least, this will prevent a deadly disease such as cardiac arrest for blood circulation system in human body can be normal function.

- The aforementioned evidence reveals that parents and teachers play an important role in solving this problem throughby having control of their children over growing time,

- whilst persons' awareness to plan an exercise program regularly will excel this case to reach an optimal solution.

- Therefore, I would recommend that the government should take charge of the problem like to restrict advertising fast-food industry which is exposed massively on television,

- so that either parents or teachers can maximize in educating the children toand protect them from consuming a dangerous food.

Iqbal, I did a couple of paragraphs on your essay. One thing that I notice in the end was, you being subjective and blaming the government in this Obesity issue, as a writer, you have to be objective all the time, because believe me, if you go global and a certain institution or entity reads your essay blaming the government, you will be in much bigger trouble than obesity. Be objective. Voice out your opinion but never blame.

Also, mind the following;

- linking verbs

- grammar

- proof read

- sentence construction

Keep writing

Cheers

Writing Feedback / RE: Regents Scholarship Appeal Statement [3]

- However, I would ask that you re- consider the following points, and especially note my strong recovery this Spring Semester.

- I struggled balancing all my personal relationships, especially this challenging one, with my school work.

- This was aggravated last Fall (2014) following a near-fatal accident that left my girlfriend with a lot of mental and physical damage.

- In the future, I will be ableThis experience enabled me to identify,prioritize and avoid spending too much time on personal relationships rather than work because of this experience .

- I will continue these habits in the future as I have seen how successful I can be. Rephrasing this sentence;

Having seen my potential in achieving my goals, I promised myself to continue prioritizing my studies above anything else and my devotion to the field will always be on top of my list.

Scholarappels, WELCOME to EssayForum, it's great to be part of the EF Family.
Now, as you can see I made a few corrections that will hopefully enhance your essay.
I salute you for being brave and able to overcome the challenges of life but there's still a lot more to come
so be strong more than ever and be a man that you are.

Let us know how your appeal went, we would love to hear it.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The governments have a responsibility to provide welfare services [3]

- The governments have a responsibility to provide welfare services such as healthcare and education for all theirit's citizens.

- In consequence, it is worth for the government to channel a proportion of funding on health aspect.

- It is convincedbelieved that people will have brighter future and improve their qualitiesquality of life.

- An illustration toof this, a high-educated person will have more possibilities to obtain well-paid job in a great deal of work fields thanks to university degree.

- Without a doubt, people who have educational recognition can meet their own necessities through their occupation. Consequently, it is valued to invest money on education sector because an essential knowledge that people gain from schooling can contribute back to themselves.a great deal to make their future a lot brighter.

There you have it Adhisti, a few corrections from my side, I say a few because, overall it's a good piece of essay.

However, mind the following;

- proof read all the time

- your linking verbs use

- word choice, a big word doesn't necessarily mean the best or the right word to fill your sentence.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!