Writing Feedback / The crucial part of being happy lies in one's everyday attitude towards life. [5]

Hi chikachika, overall it was good and what I think you can make it more presentable by cutting out some words for more elaborative words. like:

It is ......Buddhists believe that happiness is finding peace in asceticism while Christians find it in serving humanity through kindness. ..(combine the first two paragraphs, you can add more examples here to end this paragraph and then start with the next one. )

[Make this one a concluding paragraph: as you said "to sum up" here and it is used in the conclusion.] Usually, we live in an assumption that chasing our dreams to fulfil our desires brings us pleasure but in reality, it is just a ......(you can add an example here from your own life: [In my opinion, ...........see the world.] This whole paragraph defines your conclusion so it should be along with your concluding paragraph and make it more elaborative as I did a few sentences for you. To sum up, joy is what we define in our own terms, not what others teach us.

Undergraduate / Math is a language and I use it to express my thoughts. Supplement essay [6]

Hey Mualla, I really liked reading your essay. I hope you wont mind if I ask you to edit some.
Firstly, do not divide your essay in lines, but combine them into paragraphs.
...untwist.. <- unlock the mystery

Also, all you wrote about Maths and only 2 lines regarding computer science. Both subjects are very inter related so you can either write about them side by side or one paragraph for Maths and one for computers. Make it even. Tell more about your interest in computers, not only the project name which I guess, your CV will also include. Coming to your last paragraph why Cornell is the best college, it sounds very cliché that it clicked to you soon you entered in that campus. It happens but readers are looking for more specific answers. You mentioned about professors, that's a very good point. You can mention about how those professors or college or your course will help you to achieve your career goal? You want to tutor at center there but why? How it will help you towards your goal? You mentioned about the classes you want to take but why? You mentioned about professor's courses and books but why? Try to relate that everything with your goal. What is there in Cornell which is not in any other college? For example: if we love maths, we cant take every course in Maths, but some specific courses that interests us as we are forming a bridge to our career through that interest.

I hope to ........Center..
Cornell has opportunities for me and one of them includes tutoring in ..........This will help me to.........explore more about my interest etc.....?
Also, you did not mention much about computer Science course here. Question asked about 2 interests so try to spread them at least in ratio of 60:40. Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / FIT admissions essay. I would really appreciate some suggestions on my essay. [3]

Hey Nancy, its always difficult to write such essays as words are limited and we do not know where to start and how to write and sometimes we miss important points. As this is your first draft, but you did pretty well. So here are my suggestions, your writing is good, you just need to add information here. I liked your starting point but I doubt if it fits here. It doesn't describe any of your characteristics like independent, hard working, rationalization, etc. all which you mentioned. It would be great if instead you can provide an example which itself will speak all these characteristics. You are short of words and you have to say something about your accomplishments, activities and some professional experiences. So try to add those here. Some factual information, like what do you mean by real life experiences of professors? Summarize or write some point to point sentences. This explains your love though but your prompt asked you to add accomplishments or any experience in school life. Also, last paragraph could be re framed into like you want to overcome your fears, as you need to portray yourself as the best candidate for them. Do not elaborate too much on your school part that how you were shy but rather focus on how you are planning to overcome those fears and how the school and course will help you. Hope this helps. Keep writing:)

Writing Feedback / Daniel Levitin tells how to figure out a problem before it happens or how to minimise the damage [3]

Hey yonathan, here are my comments.
......... experience with a locked door. A day when he was not able to get into his home because of the lock. .He decided to break the window and get inside. This incident changed his perception of solving problems even before they occur. He revealed a part of our brain is responsible for tracking the locations of important things (I did not get this line? ).namely hippo-campus .

Most of the people make decisions when difficulties knock on their door. ........
You need to be more concrete in your sentences, the meaning is not clear and flow is missing. Plus too many repetitive words, I tried to sort out few sentences which will give you an idea hope this helps:)

Undergraduate / Environmental issues, water resources. Brief statement about personal goal and academic goal [3]

Hey Evans, I think we can still write more if there is a word limit then just be focused on your goals. What I think you can rephrase your words like starting from the first line, no need to tell high school but tell why water resources got you interested in one line. you said you were particularly fascinated by water but then you shifted to agricultural which is a broader concept than only water and then you shifted to bio engineering. You do not need to mention what you did just try to relate your goal with your background. Your goal is to become bio resource engineer but why? Then you ended up in natural resources , so separately your lines are good but they cant be related to each other. So try to interrelate your background and your career goal. What is your goal and what have you done so far or learned to achieve that goal or how you came closer to your goal. Thats what I think. Hope this helps. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity: a dream or a nightmare? [9]

Hey Narela, here are some suggestions from my side. The essay was quite informal kind of conversation. You need to revise writing the sentences completely not half broken. Keep writing and I hope my editing will help you get an idea.

Everybody is ........ becoming a famous celebrity....expensive clothes,.........famous relationship. (What you mean by this?)

... advantage is the recognition they earn worldwide.. People admire ....... They can be ambitious and can contribute towards the uplifting of the society as they got the power and money to make the things happen in their favor. For example, they help the homeless and below poverty line families by fighting against social causes. ............

........ They are not allowed to lead a simple life like a common man because of numerous fan following and paparazzo. Though it makes them feel good to be a celebrity but on the same side, they are not allowed to live an ordinary life which brings peace.

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hey Lauren, no problem. You can write point to point but you should be able to relate your goals and practical experiences you are looking for.

Just write it and you will get all the help you want :) You already got suggestions from one of the contributors so I hope it will help you to polish your answers. Truly said connection is required either in story or point to point answer. Go with point to point :)

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hey Lauren, firstly you do not need to write it in points but make it like a story until or unless it is asked to.

Now lets come to your essay point by point.
For your first paragraph, Australia has the highest number of international students, but you need to mention why it matters to you? Why multicultural environment is important to you? Australia has highest number of Indonesians that could or could not reflect the connection between the 2 countries. There might be another reasons, some travel due to job or some due to study. You need to mention why you want to be there not because everyone is there? Right ? That seems like a fantasy and following others. Be different and try to mention your own goals and dreams. Why you want to adapt to local environment? You want to settle there? You are going for study so write about how the environment will help you in practical or study experience or if you have any hobby or passion.

Second paragraph is written very well. But you can improve more by mentioning that why Brisbane offers the best learning? Whatever you mention you need to specify WHY. This will make your essay more authentic and new and different.

Third: What kind of facilities and equipment are there which made your decision to choose this college? How these are gonna help you in your study requirements? Today every college or school has the most advanced facilities and equipment. So what else you can specify here which makes it different and specific? What are you looking for as study requirements?

4: What have you done so far and why you chose this course? How this course will help you to achieve your goal?

5. You can improve English even by taking a course. Why to spend so much time and resources in international studies. So focus on the experiences you will get which might not be available in your own country.

6. You need to relate your goal and dream with your course here. How your studies gonna help you to achieve your goal.

7. You should make your parents proud rather. They are proud of you that you did something in your career. Write it the other way round. Parents always support their children. Mention what made them proud to support you this time.

Good luck :) Hope it helps :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Writing based on knowledge and experience - TOEFL in 2 days [3]

Hey Ean, yes it is purely fine to add your own personal experience, it rather makes your essay more strong. It was a well written essay with a personal example. You need not to write it like you are talking. for example:

That year. That year... (you can straightaway start from that year... do not repeat it)
Another important thing the most difficult part in writing TOEFL exam is writing under pressure of time. There is a timer for essay and you need to write it in a time limit. So make sure you are practicing your essay under time-constraint.

Also, do reduce the length of your sentences, it will save you time as well. Like in this one:
I would like to ............. form into.
I believe that parents invest in their children to see them growing as an individual person under their guidance and teaching.

The essay was good but you need to provide a conclusion too that relates to your introduction. Write a good conclusion as good as your essay.

Wish you all the best and do let me know if you need any more help :) I will be around :)

Writing Feedback / Scientific activities should be implemented and managed by the governments, humans cloning at least. [2]

Hey Vanessa, you did write very well in few sentences but however, you lost track in some. If you are using any new word, try to make sure that you do know how to use it in a sentence. Main purpose is to write the essay in a coherent manner whether using simple language or difficult one. You just need to show flow in your essay.

Some editions from my side to get you an idea:
Therefore, it ensures ....... the community.
Therefore, this will ensure the research is being carried legally and contributing towards the welfare of the community.
In the first paragraph, you have mentioned about criminal activities and stable funds. These are the good reasons but you have kind of merged them making it confusing for the reader. Try to talk about one at a time. You have a great thinking power , just need to organize the words.

.......... governments. as we will see. (unnecessary words)
..to act as role models...... (Role models are not the correct phase, it is used when you are talking about person or example to imitate or copy. Correct word is "Play an important role or significant role")

Hope it helps . Keep practicing and keep posting for more feedback:)

Undergraduate / Semester at Sea Essay - A Voyage of a Lifetime [3]

Hi Courtney, amazingly written essay. But yes, you need to restrict it to word limit as asked, they mean it !! I totally understand it is difficult to elaborate in less sentences but may be you can skip the quotation part in starting. You dint wrote it so even if you miss it, you truly deserve the appreciation in writing in your own words. Thats a cliche to start the essay with some one's else lines. You write very well and even I am excited about your semester. You clearly explained your motto and chose your words very wisely.

For me, you can straight away start with "We spend............
One more thing, you mentioned semester at sea in essay, I am confused with this, is it really semester at sea? Or there is another professional term for it like in prompt: semester at sea voyage, do correct it !!

Good luck for your semester !!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Computers should never have been invented [4]

Hi Novi, some of the editing from my side. You wrote well but is not able to form the sentences correctly with new words.Before using any new word, make sure you know how to use it in a sentence, otherwise go with a simple one.

Secondly, try to not to repeat words instead come up with different synonyms like instead of computers, I have used words like Microsoft applications. This makes the example more specific.

Good luck :)

....decreasE in the value ....
....essential meaning of........

Computers .... human's task, (Task is task, it is work, so computers do not replace the work but changed the process of doing it. Needs to be corrected here.)

......... friends . ...to interact with peers of the same age in real life affecting their social life. Lack.... exerciseand a sedentary lifestyle has made them more prone to health problems.

......... ...Earlier, writing was a cumbersome procedure with typewriter or paper especially for writers and editors. But computers has made it easier now with the options of reviewing where words can be duplicated ............rewritten. In addition, the Microsoft applications like PowerPoint, MS Word etc. has made it easier for companies and employees to make a ............. Through internet access, .........

To sum up, the use of computers has negatively influenced the behavior and lifestyle of individuals if not used wisely and in limited manner. However, computers are an innovation which has helped us in handling strenuous manual tasks easily and also has provided a border less communication among different parts of the world.

Undergraduate / How will the proposed to your career? [4]

Hey Luse, please allow me to give feedback on your essay. I will go one by one to get you an idea what is lacking in the essay. It was very generalized and you did not mention about your career goals or program or objective anything. Your prompt wants you to tell that how you expect your desired course of study to contribute to your career? You need to mention that what is your career goal in terms of academic goal. What you want to become after you get the degree and how this degree will help you in achieving that goal?

..........contributing towards the promotion of prosperity and reducing poverty.... How will it help you to promote prosperity and reduce poverty? For this, you don't need a medical degree but money.

....strengthening the criteria that I lack in....... Mention that, where are you lacking and how the program will help you to strengthen those lacking skills? Mention if you have gained any skills through your previous study programs or internships?

,...........professional worker and an expert......... How? Do you have any previous training or work experience or academic one? Then mention it, and how the program will help you to enhance those previously gained skills?

........good reputation (Then you can study anywhere why this university and country only? ) and help me to incorporate much-needed information (What kind of information and what change you want to implement in Fiji? )............ What are the health challenges you want to improve in Fiji?

..........neurology field, or any specialising field that is lacking in Fiji, (Be specific about your goal of study. How your course will help you in finances? Going to abroad for studying is like an extra burden on pockets, so skip that point.

You can also go through some essays on Essay Forum or Google to get an idea. Let me know, I will be around :)

Scholarship / AAS Application Essay: How will the proposed study contribute to your career*? [3]

Hey Fatma, language wise it was a good essay but content wise it was lacking. I was able to point out only one reason for you pursuing the studies in Australia that it will be enhancing your skills and will equip you with the higher knowledge. The essay was generalized, you need to be specific about your goals, your academic program and interest.

You mentioned that Indonesia is facing some challenges, then mention those challenges. Mention how your desired study will help you to overcome those challenges? What kind of projects you are looking for in program?

.....most complex of upstream problems in today's petroleum industry...........
What problems ? Insufficient oil and gas production is one, but why are you so concerned? Why there is insufficiency in Indonesia? How you expect the program from Australia to help you remove that insufficiency? What will be your core programs? Which courses or what you want to learn ? Gather the information regarding the program and write how your study will help you to achieve your career goals? What kind of workflow concepts you are looking at? How will you help as an petroleum engineer? Mention if you have done anything till yet for this problem or have any accomplishments? Plus how your program will enhance your previously gained skills to make you an experienced professional. Be specific about the problems you wish to improve, the program you wish to study and the goals you wish to achieve. Good luck :)

Essays / Why I want to be a sonographer - applying to the diagnostic medical sonography program. [4]

Hey Breanna, great, so we have your first draft here. You wrote pretty well and I hope you won't mind asking you to edit it further. So the reader wants to know you as a student, as a person and professional in terms of sonographer. Though you raised valid information but you need to relate them with certain examples. I am editing it sentence wise. Let me know if you have any doubts.

Hello, ..... first (Not required). I never ....princess( too much info, you can explain it in one line, we want to know about you). ..... navy ..... nascar,.... (This is an interesting part, you can start your essay from this. How you switched careers and how you got hooked into medical sonography. What you learned in all these phases and how you got attracted to your field of study which you didnt found in any of these. )

I would go for the word "determiantion" rather than "stubborn", though they means the same but somehow, "stubborn" can be related to negative things too. So choose "determination" instead and also rather than writing that you are determined, explain it with an example which will automatically show your determining attitude towards career.

In my freshmen .... having difficulties while breathing. By breathing I meant, I were not only able to inhale or exhale properly but not being able to catch my breath easily. I weren't getting ...... Turned out it wasn't, ..... Finally at the beginning ....year they diagnosed me with three.......

.... mom that I'd be a .... The only part that I were comfortable with was having sonograms ............
,,.......the diabetes, ...... She came to be diagnosed with Cancer after doctors did the sonogram on her leg and found something suspicious. The woman I .....

Breanna, you are a very talented girl. You clearly showed your passion to become a sonographer. One thing I need to change is though the essay was quite strong but what you can do is add little bit about program. You want to be a sonographer because of your experience. What else can you add here? It was emotional, we need to add some facts what else you expect from the program? Because sometimes sonography comes into place in a later stage, sometimes even sonography fails to diagnose. So saying that sonography will diagnose earlier and save time can not be the only reason we can add here. Then comes the role of screening tests, histopathologic studies. You need to add some more details that why you still choose only sonography. Explore about the program, what it offers and then add here. Write about your academic immediate goals. Let me know :)

Letters / International Software Systems Science program at University Of Bamberg - Motivation Letter [3]

Hey @firebaby , you wrote well and you present the excellent potential for your master's. Minor changes from my side:

....I graduated in .....Kampala with a first class honors in Bachelor's .... Technology. Currently,......

...In case you .... application,please let me know . I will ....

Letters / This is an essay about the life in the city. Reply for a letter. [3]

Hey, Linh, always leave a space between the two sentences. I edited some parts of your letter. Hope it helps. It was an interesting letter and I think you could have write more about your trek, about people in the city. Whether they were friendly or cooperative. About beauty of the nature there, parks, gardens, or any thing you found more fascinating. It is not necessary to put these points too in the essay, it looks good even without it :)

Dear Ngoc,

I am delighted to see your letter. I have .....Sapa and it was a wonderful trip.
I could'n explain in better words how excited I (I have to be in capital always.) were before this trip. (After every sentence, you need to leave a space) This was the first time I visited a famous mountainous region in VietNam. Sapa is ... village. (SPACE) After 4 hours of journey, my family and I checked ...............different from other places in VietNam. During the trek, we explored local villages and markets for clothing and handiwork being popular with many tourists. Sapa .....has delicious .......such as apples, plum, etc are some of the wonderful delicacies the tourists cannot overlook.

I think it is a .....me. Do tell me about how you spent your last summer holidays. Hoping to hear from you soon.

.....
.....

Writing Feedback / It's crutial for students to understand concepts and ideas - faster learning, better understanding. [3]

Hi Ali, this was a good essay. You explained your point with your personal examples and that make your essay more concrete. Some changes from my side:

..........since their existence. ... variety of ways ..... ..facts while others hold a completely ..... ... In the .... two of them.(No need to mention it, it should be clear from your introduction only that what the essay is about.:) )

... ..... ...something,(Be specific, try to avoid word "something", you can use words like issue, subject, etc. here) you can comprehend .........solve it. For example,...a computer ....issues while developing an ...... do not learn ..... the capability ............

........ when I was enthusiastic ....
....understanding of the whole content, ......

I hope .....learning facts
This line is not going with your conclusion. Make your conclusion relevant to what is stated in the prompt. Do they ask to express your views or to give suggestions to students? It seems to me that this is GRE practice so you should end your essay by being neutral only and not by suggesting. Hope this helps. Good luck :)

Speeches / Openess to music (Persuasive Speech) [3]

Hi Alysha, the speech is good but I think you can little bit rearrange the paragraphs. Like one is defining music in terms of language. Other paragraph in terms of emotions. Another paragraph describing about its influence in our daily lives. This would make it continue in a flow like music which I see missing. As the motto of your speech is not being clear. Are you trying to write about music as general or are you complaining about people's perception about music? You need to make a theme line for your speech.

Topic/objective of your speech.
Your experiences or assumptions or facts that will prove authenticity of your objective.
Conclusion based on your objective.

Rest few mistakes I edited below:

........even when we are walking.......
...... have to be in aparticular/specific language to be understood by a particular set of people only. Every individual should be able to connect themselves with any kind of music. .......

........when you don't even know their /........

Essays / Why I want to be a sonographer - applying to the diagnostic medical sonography program. [4]

Hey Breanna, just start writing whatever comes to your mind. Make points, which you want to keep in essay and which you want to remove. Go through some essays here on EF or you can even Google them. Submit your draft here and get reviews on your essay, this will let you decide your final draft.

Start with:
Write about when and how you decided to be a sonographer?
Your experiences and what you expect from your further studies?
What are your short term and long term career goals?
Where you see yourself after this course and what you plan to achieve?
Just start writing. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / The greatest changes of an attractive island by maximize some novel facilities to improve tourism [3]

Hey Ester, allow me to give feedback on your essay.

...... increasing some novel ....(Maximize generally used when you are zooming something. something is small and you maximize it by increasing the area or size. Also, when I see the diagram, I do not see an increase rather an addition. So I think you should say that by addition of some facilities. Choose the words carefully, they can change the overall meaning of your sentence. )

I noticed you tend to make mistakes with singular and plural words. Here when you use "some" or "few", it means more than one, so you better write "some trees ".

.....To enhance .... there are now two areas ..... first is about ........ is in the center ......... has a footpath and each group is connected in a circular pattern.

To facilitate the use of amenities for travelers, a restaurant and reception have been built in the middle of two groups of accommodations. (Try to not to write too long sentences.) There is a vehicle .........pier leading to sailing ships. Theother facilities included are swimming .......island along with planting of more trees..

You are talking about "before" and "after", so you have to talk about "past" and "present" and so should be the selection of your verbs. I edited them here to make you understand. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Some alteration in Queen Mary Hospital [3]

Hey Ester, as you haven't posted the diagram, so I am making corrections on your sentence structure and grammar mistakes.
First thing you need to learn is the difference between "WAS" and "WERE". WAS is used with singular verb or noun and WERE is used with plural.

So with change you will put "was" ... If there was one shopping center then "was" a shopping center. If there were more than 1 shopping centers then you will say : There "were" shopping centers. I have corrected the sentences here considering there were more than one center or hospital but as I do not have the diagram you can edit them as required.

....Overallthe most noticeable .....
...1960, there were shopping centers .....left side and hospital along with car parking on the right side...
,,..There was also a cancer ........Hospital and car parking remains unchanged.
......there were still a changes from 1980,........
.Therefore half .... car parking has also altered in the place of nursing school.

Scholarship / Organisation needs, professional experience and education background - course and institution choice [7]

Hey Treasa, your effort and time is clearly being portrayed in this essay. I can easily understand your motive and passion behind your course of study. Minor corrections from my side:

..........., I am concerned .... planning. Master of ...........planning, will give me opportunities ......... management. that .... learn it ( I do not think there is need to write this phrase. Keep the sentences short and simple. ). I am sure.......proposed institution (Which institution?), Australia has a .... system that has been ranked in the World's University Rankings. ....., ..Monash University ...... Queensland(Ok, you are applying to two universities, but are you going to apply separately or there is a common application for both? )

Writing Feedback / Throughout the history, the damage that human caused to the mother nature is irreversible. [3]

Hi Dat, you wrote very well. Just a minor correction:

....As a consequence , people's ...........

Also, regarding your second paragraph, I think what could be added more here is the reason for fire, drought and thieves. Giving examples can beautify your essay more, if you choose to not explain them, then also it seems good to me. But if I had to write this essay, then I would definitely explain the basic causes that lead to global warming including the reason of fire and drought. You can also add increase in population, increase in demand of food, water and shelter, the three basic necessities of life has resulted in deforestation. So it further resulted in global warming, even the fossil fuel consumption increased to fulfill the needs of a common man. good luck ::)

Faq, Help / Essay Forum Appreciation Thread [14]

Just an appreciation note to Essay Forum!!

Hello EF team,

This is just a thank you note for Essay Forum members especially the Admin and moderators who made this forum.

You helped me to succeed in my GRE and TOEFL exams. I do not specifically remember every name but I do remember @TJLuschen, vangiespein (Louisa) who went through my essays repetitively.

Then a big thank you to Louisa (vangispein) again to help me in my personal statement essays and to remain patient with me. Thank you to @justivy for continuously providing feedback on my essays. Thank you to @EF_Kevin for boosting my confidence level. Thank you to @crystal, @mita to go through my essays.

Out of 4 schools, I applied I got accepted to 3 schools. :D I don't know how could I have managed it without EF. As being an international student, everything was new to me including the whole admission process that requires you to write personal statement without even a single mistake. :/ I appreciate your time and effort on my essays especially when everyone is busy with their own essays and studies and work. Plus it is my pleasure if I can help other students too who are going through the same place as I was some day.

I am surely missing many names so when you read this note and you remember reading my essay , please consider this as a personal thank you :) Forgive me for not remembering all names. :( :)

Thank you !!!! :D :D You're always welcome, thank you!

Graduate / USC School of Social Work need help with flow, conclusion and make sure I've talked about everything [2]

Hey Michaela, your work experience and volunteer work defines your interest in social work completely.

Regarding content, you need to present your essay in a chronological manner. You started your essay by your exposure which led you to decide a career in social work. Then you talked about the family, followed by your work experience. But then you lost the track and started to talk about childhood, your foster care again. There you explained the foster care as the reason of you pursuing social work. So this is the first thing to be corrected as per me. Just go through the essay once more, and try to write it in few complete paragraphs instead of broken paragraphs. Like first two paragraphs can be combined. Thirdly, some sentences are way too long and there is quite redundancy in the essay. I have rephrased some sentences below to get you the better idea.

My exposure to issues......families.

My exposure to mental health issues through peer mentoring and volunteering in AGORA crisis Centre led me to decide a career in Social Work. (I removed families and children , because that you already explained with foster care.)

This lack ......... family relationships.It made ......illness. (No need to emphasize it again, you already said this thing. ) I realized the dramatic influence of relationships on one's mental health. The situation.........

This will not only reduce your words but also would be easy for the reader to go through your essay. If you will notice, the sentences I edited or removed were repetitive words. Every sentence should tell something unique about the essay. Hope this helps :)

Scholarship / Organisation needs, professional experience and education background - course and institution choice [7]

Hi Treas, I suppose you are not planning to pursue the same office job after your course or are you? You need to be specific here, firstly how and why you chose this course? Your organization has the aim of :

....a state .............infrastructure in....
Is it your own organization ? If not then making your organization as the reason here wont be suited. You need to show your specific interest in this area. Even if your organization has this role but what you are supposed to do?? What is your aim to pursue the desired studies? Write about your own choice and your own interests , how will you use the study in Australia to benefit yourself. What are the factors or intentions to pursue this course? And why this university, of course if you are pursuing in an international university then it must be one of the leading schools but why this school? What are they offering you for your study plan? What are the skills and projects they are focused on which will help you in your future. I will suggest you to elaborate on specificity of you reasons. Hope this helps. Will look forward to your new revision and let me know if there is any word limit? Good luck :)

Scholarship / I learned the value of a friendship by helping a friend succeed in college. [2]

Hi Juan, I could not find anything wrong with the essay, you wrote it well. Minor changes which I would have done differently here are:

.....taught me many thingsconcepts/ideas/....lets be more specific here. ....

He often commented ...... how persistent I was ...........I never really noticed until he had told me.
Well, this might not be so attractive to say it here as you already started your essay by helping your friend with your method and that includes being persistent too. Like in this line:

I wanted to show him the way ..........by being persistent ...........

For the end, may be you can add words like confidence in yourself, team work, joy of helping others....You can also add the part explaining the comparison between the changes you felt after meeting him. If anything was missing or changed that was not there earlier.

Hope this helps:)

Writing Feedback / Scientific research today attempts to go too far. (ielts task 2) [5]

Hi aviniwirastri, overall your essay was a good attempt. You used words in a very attractive style but I found it little bit confusing. I know the question is itself confusing regarding scientific research and the way you tried to answer it is a wonderful attempt. What you can do here is add relevant examples here along with your assumptions and that will make your essay complete. Because right now nothing is coming up from the essay, you write very good but lack of examples make it difficult to understand. What new things come up , what are the questions that are irrelevant to answer according to you? What kind of beliefs you are talking about here? How developed technology can go in the wrong way? Why invention is dangerous? What kind of daily activities need scientific research? Try to make your thesis statements clear with particular evidence. It can be your personal experiences too. Hope this helps you:)

Writing Feedback / The main goal of universities: to link students for their own value or prepare them for a future job [2]

hi Siti, the problem I find with your essay is choosing the wrong words. Secondly, I understand the prompt is itself a little bit confusing but try to understand the prompt first. Then, write what you think is the best and why. Format is:

1. Introduction paragraph
2. Your first assumption that why you think or consider it as the best with particular example.
3. Your second assumption with an example.
4. Conclusion
Generally, in the exam time we can only write about two to three reasons. This depends upon your speed and thinking process. No matter how many paragraphs you write during the exam, even if you write only one, make sure that it should be presented with clear examples and reasoning.

i (I is never in small letters) argue .......
...mind have a wide-view : the word here is: to give us a broader view of world or subject
.... In university, we learn about theory, ....can be applied in our life(how it can be applied, provide at least one example with your every assumption.).

......Knowledge that university give to .... but it takes more. That is totally a repetition from your first paragraph, try to give evidences and examples rather than saying general things. Examples can be your personal experiences too.

.... different (difference)between .... ordinary people .... tittle . (You mean to say : some people believe that even non degree holders are successful today. Person with no title is casual word, you need to be a little bit formal here.)

Miss understanding ........get lost Sometimes, students get confused if they do not understand the subject of interest well.

Undergraduate / Two essays. My main achievement and My best team experience. Need your opinion! [3]

Hi Nuno..For your first essay, overall it was good but little bit confusing. When you said you overcome your weeknesses but then you were sad even you stood second. You are measuring it as a loss .

I set.....right attitude.
Its kind of confusing as the way you started it seems lile this sport was a challenge but then even second position you see yourself in a loss. I will suggest that edit this part and instead present it as a reward too because in last line you are considering it as an achievement. How come it be an achievement if you were sad for the result.

For your second essay, what you wrote are the team characteristics that we already know. We dont want to know how you became a commander but your experience of working in team as a commander. You told in the essay what you learned and that makes it the best team experience. But you need to show how you actually learned all this and then how it became as the best experience. Same for your first essay as we need to know how and why this was your best .

Writing Feedback / Debates on punishment to children - Ielts academic writing task [4]

Hi Kuan, (Can I call you by first name only?) you gave a very good example. However, you forgot to relate your example with the children. You are talking about animals, though it is true for humans too but you need to correlate the human behavior with animals here to make it understand.

...... In positive ...... (Explain it what kind of treats and how it reinforced the right behavior? And how it is similar to humans or related to children? Your examples are good but do explain it don't just name it. Same explanation needed for negative reinforcement. Like saying this kind of electric shots scared them and with repeated exposure, they stopped doing the mistake. I hope , you were able to explain it now.

Such approach can be used when teaching children good behavior.(We cannot give children electric shocks. So tell us why this approach for humans and what punishment could be there for children?

Does this give a perfect reason for teachers and parents to punish children? (I don't think there is the need to ask this question in the essay? Why you mentioned this?)

. It is necessary to acknowledge them who is the boss(Ok, try to use formal language here but not casual, it will seems cruel for teachers then;)) You just need to relate your sentences with one another, don't repeat the words more than once like using reinforcement so many times. Try to use new words. Your knowledge skills and understanding of the prompt is good. Your writing is good too, just need to refine it:) Hope this helps:)

Scholarship / KGSP letter of selfintroduction. To much about my family and to little about me? Need some advice. [2]

Hi Ilona, yes you are right, too much about your family history and nothing about your career goals, your academic life. firstly, read the prompt, I read the prompt in other essays, if it is the same but will suggest you to post it along with your essay. Then start writing, you also need to check word limits for your essay. so much to delete and add in this essay. But don't worry, everyone will help you here to make your essay better.

you need to write how you got interest in your field of study. Is your family history have a role in your studies. If yes, don't elaborate too much but make it in few lines only. whatever you wrote makes no sense until or unless its not related to your choice of study. Self introduction doesn't mean you write family history, but write few lines about family only if they play a role in your program. Otherwise skip that. What are your wishes, hopes from your studies. What all efforts you did, what were the ups and downs related to your studies and how you managed to survive them. From where you got the passion for the program, what you want to become in future. I will suggest you to go through other essays on Google or here on EF and you will get an idea how to write an academic essay. Then go with your prompt asked to do. Mention your accomplishments and awards, any scholarship you got or how you got it. You have to give a self introduction but related to your academics not your family. Looking forward to your new revision :)

Scholarship / KGSP - 'An opportunity for me through which I can become a strong professional of my own field' [7]

Hey Pallabi, great so lets start with revision now. Can you tell me what do you mean by 10 points? Is it the word limit then tell me the word limit allowed to you. For essay, can you skip the introduction part.

Life.......own field. Reason is this is known to every second person in this world, nothing seems unique in here. In fact, I came across many essays on EF only starting with the same lines as it is common. How about starting the essay with sentences/phrases/quotations related to your knowledge or passion for your line of study? So either you can start with lines like:

Pharmaceutical sector is vast............... OR
I grew up with the responsibility of managing my father's medical routine....OR
If you have anything in mind.

Hey Pallabi, well it took me a day to go through your essay as I tried to combine all your revisions here in one essay. Just mention the parts where asked and it is complete content wise as I see it. Rest its your decision how you choose to develop your essay. Let me know if this works for you? Or else I am all in for all the revisions. Good luck:)

Scholarship / My choice of the course and institution. Essay for Australia Awards Scholarships commencing in 2016 [3]

Hi Nyein Nu, you do not have to answer the question like question answer but write creatively like a story. Then, you said that this is because of your passion and background experience. But why you did bachelor's in English majors when you have a family business and you have the passion? saying your personal experience and diploma encouraged you to apply to the program seems vague here. The passion went missing.

Wow you did very good for the part why this program. I will recommend you to work on your first part of the essay. Why you chose this program is very well answered but how you decided for this course is missing. Few points need to be answered here: How you got the passion for this field? What is the personal experience you are talking about here? If you were passionate then why you chose English as the majors? Will it benefit you for the program? How only diploma in business management helped you to decide for this program? Just explain these specific lines :

Firstly, the reason why..........apply for this course. You need to make your introduction part as strong as the other part of your essay. I am editing the other part here:

Master of ....Businesswill provide me with a superior ....... operations. This will further prepare me to take part in formulation of the policies ....... initiating a ....country in every aspect including politics, ...and education. All SMEs (Write the full form) in Myanmar ...... enterprises. Therefore, I .....to my country (Can you write more how can you help in future?)from the side .....The program helps students ..............

Melbourne University is reputed with renowned .....achievements.(Don't write too long sentences, try to break them.) ... 100 majors(Are 100 majors is in international business only? How it will help you?)

Scholarship / KGSP - 'An opportunity for me through which I can become a strong professional of my own field' [7]

Hi Pallabi, this was definitely a good revision but need more inputs from you. The way you wrote your study plan, make your essay like that. Be specific about everything, what you earned , don't just write you earned but what you earned in the college?

,.......present situation and future of pharmaceuticals .....(Can you tell us what fascinated you here which further developed your interest in this career?What is the present and future here? Whatever you write, try to explain by specific details. )

You got Dean's award and etc. does not make sense here until or unless it is not attached to your field of study. How you managed to get this award? By doing something extra in pharmaceutical industry or by some research? Or how it helped you in your studies, try to form a link between the sentences as they are connected to each other. How this award related to your study? What practical experience you earned in your internship as mentioned here? What kind of knowledge you gathered in college? Don't mention about scholarships here that you researched for scholarship. It is a scholarship essay but strictly remain in the limits of what prompt asked you. Your second last revision sounds good, the study plan. Incorporate those ideas in the essay. That will make it complete. Don't mention that you needed time to think , rather think more about how this program will help you in your career goal? What kind of exposure you will get in the program? We know that you have a vast knowledge of the field and gain many skills, so write about those what skills you gained in internships and what skills you are expecting from Korea. you need only one or two revisions, then it should be okay. Sorry, if I am asking you to revise again and I hope you are not running late of your deadlines.

Writing Feedback / Sometimes success is harder to accept than failure. Write a Essay on it [3]

Hi Malick, overall it was a good attempt. Few things to keep in mind that you tend to repeat the words more than once, try to avoid this with every word not used more than twice like success. You could have used words like victory, achievements, triumph. favorable results etc. . Other mistake I noted was in the tenses. When you are talking about past then use the tenses of past and so with the present and future tenses. Last thing to note here is the structure of theses essays. Try to divide your essay in paragraphs with different theme. You made the essay verbose by saying same thing in so many sentences, responsibilities, hardships, success and that was the end of it. :

You wanted to become a doctor. Due to financial problems only way to fulfill this wish was through scholarship. But you weren't aware about the continuous hard work demanded by it. You passed, your parents expected more. You were satisfied but it led to another non ending race to win. Here is your essay in three lines. So try to write meaningful sentences, don't just repeat the words. When writing an essay, keep in mind the 5 words : How, when, what, why and where? How you managed it and how and what you learned.

..success than failure......was not an easy ....(Make sure you use the same tense in every line when you are talking about past/present) ....could not (Write full forms in formal essays instead of can't shouldn't) afford..... ..

.... what scholarship actually.......memberS that .......a doctor - ...........
.... my life, I kept on running ..... was a never ,,,.... led to a more ....the load of .......

On .. hand, Success increases ...expectation from others. ....... asked me about ..........

Scholarship / KGSP - 'An opportunity for me through which I can become a strong professional of my own field' [7]

Hi Pallabi, really sorry for your loss but I will suggest, don't mention it here. Its a college essay and they strictly want the students to answer the questions according to the prompt. You seem like a great person in your accomplishments but somehow you were not able to demonstrate in your essay. Now allow me to give comments on your essay :)

I was stunned to.....I decided to do my ..
.... chance of admission ...

Saying that you met a person who told you so and so and instantly you chose this field. This idea seems quite vague to me, had you met a doctor you could have decided to become a doctor? Because there is also scope of research and every society needs a doctor. They also work for the welfare of the people, then why you chose this field? Then you said that you got a chance in institution, it seems like you did no effort of figuring out your study plan or getting into an institute but accepted the way it comes as an opportunity. Of course you did the effort but you need to write it here. choose your words carefully as it can give a wrong impression of your personality as a student.

Again in the next paragraph, your faculty member motivated you to apply for this scholarship because he shared his experience. what about your own choice? Your own study plan, what you want to do? You gave reasons like your decisions were influenced by the people who motivated you. but why you need motivation from others? What you want to become, where is the motivation from your own study? Your own career and your own experiences? What all you did in under grad education, you got the admission but then what you did? Till then, you were still not aware of your goal? How you pursued your studies and how you made a plan to continue your education in the same field? your essay lacks the academic experience. Why you are pursuing these online courses? How they will help you in your study? In the last paragraph, you again said that your seniors motivated you. Don't do this and don't say that you need scholarship because though it is a scholarship essay but saying you need it, it will not help. It is purely based on your academic achievements, your career goals and your passion to pursue this program. I will look forward to your new revision. Feel free to ask if you have any questions.:)

Scholarship / 'the strong will and the motivation' - Self introduction for KGSP scholarship [2]

Hi Fatema, your essay was too general to read, it was like reading your resume. You got so and so marks, you love the job of the nurse so you want to become one. You want to go Korea because you liked the culture.

You have to show your passion for study. How you were fascinated by this program, what we dream as a child and how we convert that dream to our career goal, there is a difference in this. You need not to describe your grades but how you got those grades, of course by working hard but what else? What drives you to become a nurse? Apart from culture, what about the school, what about the program? How you plan to use your study skills in the program to achieve your career goals? What is your career goal, not to get a travel ticket to Korea but to pursue a degree. You need to mention the reasons for pursuing this degree and how it will help you in future? You are competitive, demonstrate leadership qualities, you need not to tell this by yourself. But show what you done in order to be considered as competitive and a leader. the reason you said that putting smiles and helping others is emotional reason, you could have joined a NGO for that while choosing any other profession. Why you chose to be a nurse then, being a nurse is lot more than that. You need to explain it here. Words you gave here seems like copied from the curriculum of a nurse. This is we all know, diagnosing, implementing..........different ethnicity and different people, these are the duties of a nurse, we know it. Tell the readers what they don't know. you mentioned your research project and areas where you worked as an intern. This might be written in your resume too but tell how you managed to carry out that research. What experience you had and how it motivated you to study further. You need to write your experience here, not just numbers of your work. You had a good start by saying that you had a plan, it made me think something new and unique is coming but then you diverted. Explain your plan here. Looking forward to your plan of study:)

Scholarship / Rejection as The start of another better future - Self Introduction Essay for KGSP/Master's Program [10]

Hi Sabrina, I further made some changes in your essay. Let me know if you need more help:)
....... assistant. This helped me to learn how to ....foods by doing analytical .....(What kind of analytical work?) ..also made me aware about the problems/issues with farmers/farming in Indonesia. Majority of the traditional .. farmers lack the skills and knowledge of maintaining the...... harvest and the importance ....children. The science of use of renewable fuel for energy is still unfamiliar for the country. Throughout these years, .....society.

....., I realized that I am ...... .. such as usage of substrates ......This encouraged me to learn .... issues........

My goal is to ........etc. Certainly, .....countries. As a Food Biotechnologist, I will contribute by participating actively in food .... issues, research .......in Indonesia.

Korea being one of the top three developed countries in Asia has always been my choice to pursue my Master's Degree. Studying in Korea ...... education but will also gain work experiences to apply my knowledge in real world. Korea has definitely ............believe the KGSP will help me strengthen ...........technology that will prepare me completely for ......

KGSP through its global connections in sea of knowledge will help me to improve the lives of the people around me by becoming a Food.....