Undergraduate / UT austin personal essay A, but to write about family is little cliche.. [8]


^^ yeaaa. like when you do it, youve def. got to be sincere and creative and not just say something that every family does go thru.

well put. but i do agree, dont just cross it off b.c. your scared of being unorignal. if you feel strongly about writing about tu madre, DO IT!

Undergraduate / Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay [11]

^^ yeaaa i didnt wanna COMPLETELY have him/her lose hope on his.her essay.
i do agree though.
my personal opinion is that you really start over. im sorry :(
i mean you cant win them all! i know this feeling too! ive had to start over too, its all in the process!!

good luck!

andddddd i assumed the prompt was like:
tell of a significant experience... (just b.c. of how she said


)

Undergraduate / Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2) [12]

whoa, you use the word engineering a lot.
can you somehow say the same stuff without using the word as much?

Undergraduate / During my life I learnt a wealthy amount of things, things that have come to define me. [6]

im not too sure, but are u supposed to spell out numbers like fifteen and twenty? :o

Undergraduate / Stranded in an airport COMMON APP ESSAY [11]

remember to spell out small numbers!

7= seven! :D

i happen to like the opening, but i guess its not relevant :(

idk, i guess you should take it out, but its a difference it opions of readers i guess. some admissions pel would like it, some would hate it

Undergraduate / Stranded in an airport COMMON APP ESSAY [11]

well if you really have been stuck on this essay for a while, sometimes its best to just write about something completely different.

yes, its the wworst feeling to have to start compeltely over, but its for the best at times. this essay, unless you can POSSIBLY EVER tell how getting stuck at an airport made you a bteer person, (which isnt possible i dont think) then you should maybe find a different topic.

GOOD LUCK!! :D

Undergraduate / Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering [22]


^^ trust me dude, its for the best.
you want your essay to be as strong as possible. as long as its not overly mean and stuff, i think its all good =]

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]

my suggestion:
use the word limit!! i mean i know you may have wanted to be different by going shorter with the word limit and stuff or something, but i think you can do better if you use the word limit to handle you businesss ;P

good luck!

Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

your essay needs to be stronger in ways that only you can fix.
you need to talk more than about just reading.

i really hope you dont take this the wrong way, but this is waht it seems like your writing:

i like to read. I have been reading since i was little. This is why i enjoy it so much. BUT since technology is taking over everything--like kindle--i get sad.

since you read a lot, and are exposed to so many different writing styles i know you can do better. get more creative with your sentences. MORE COMPLEX and use better syntax and stuff.

good luck!

Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

A soft sigh escaped my lips as I closed the hardcover book on my lap. I had finished reading yet another book and as usual, my head was filled with millions of questions (this is better combined). Why did the author end the story like that? Why did the my favorite character apprear only at the climax of the story? Why didn't the book end differently? (im not too excited about using etc. in a formal essay. dont do it) There were parts which I wanted to alter while others I admired.(I think you should play up this alter part!! u wanna be an editor right? i mean not too much, but a little foreshadow ;D) The words just seemed to flow and connect with each other, captivating me. (this last sentence doesnt really connect with the previous. consider rewriting)

The questions appearing in my mind were habitual, and continued into my school reading. (or somehting like this. you have to transition. if you dont, it just seems wrong to go from habitual to ur english teacher) My previous English teacher, who taught me composition, had told me to read books (OK and?). Afterwards, she would make me think of parts of the plot where I was unsatisfied or questions that I would want to ask the author. Then, she would (dont use contractions. this is what the forum members said to do in a formal essay lol) tell me to write a short summary.

consider, after you say short summary, a paragraph saying something like, "but these assignments my teacher left me with soon had me more interested in the why? more than the reading. ( yea thats cheesy, but SOMETHING like htat). I actually started to enjoy conjuring? up questions i wanted to ask the author, or critiquing the book. I soon became interested in becoming an editor..." then tell if you joined the school news paper or something.

JUST AN IDEA :D

I possessed a love for both reading and writing after I had met her, but thinking this way also made me want to read and write more. I sought to read diverse (<-- wrong word!) books and learn different ways of writing. After reading them, I would write essays and show them to her. An 'A' would make me content while any grade lower would make me want to try harder.

Soon enough, I started writing short stories on the internet. In addition to writing, I would also help other online writers with their writing. It was then that I realized I was more interested in helping others write than writing myself. I noticed that I was always dissatisfied with some part of my writing, but found pleasure in helping others . It pleased me that I could make a story flow better or correct any mistakes they had not noticed. Editing had become my newest and most precious passion. (<-- trite phrase "__ is my passion)

(okay, you can not just transtion from editing to this, you HAVE to somehow bridge this. as of now, its like you say books,editing than technology/books. thats not gonna work. you can talk about technology, but find a better transition) In this current information age, most things are being replaced by technology. Books are also facing the same threat because of the internet, e-books, etc. As an avid reader, I fear that they will no longer be published. There's not much I can do to prevent it. I could never become a writer with my displeasure of my own writing. Since I enjoy editing, however, I plan to become an editor and help authors perfect their writings while making books more enjoyable for readers so that people will still buy books. <-- okay, this isnt going to help. at all. when you think about it, technology is still improving and just b.c. their writing improves, technology is going to go on. like i said b4, kindle is still going to happen but their writing is going to be on a computer like thing. i know this isnt ur point, but kindle is still a type of technology. your idea of books being "extinct" (i know hyperbole) is a little bit over the top. i dont think books are EVER going to be out of style.

By attending your university (just write the name out :D), I intend to further my skills in reading, writing and most importantly, editing. This will enable me to pursue my dream of becoming an editor while also letting me believe that I'm at least doing something to prevent books from getting replaced.

i think you can just not use the idea of technology replacing books. i just dont think its possible. i really dont. i mean if you wanted to get more ple to read, and you were going to the school to be a writer, hoping to write good storys that ple will read, than thats something,

but your thing, to be an editor, to stop books from being gone forever, its not rly strong.

good luck though! this is better than the 1st one! :D

Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

^^ pshhh this is nada. u should see the way i IM ;)
lol

raven, is this starting to make sense though? or are we helping u more importantly? lol

Undergraduate / Which is the better way to write? Prompt 1-UC Essay [3]

they always say general to specific. which one is more general to u? community or family? seems as if community would have a more general effect so write about that 1st, then write about ur family (specific.

then the thing about immigrant, it seems as if it would be REALLY random. its one of those things that you either start off talking about being an immigrant and roll with it, or you just leave it out, b.c. i dont ever see how it could possibly work in.

O! unless you could do something like "my family has even helped me get through the toughness of being an immigrant. one time when i was in school some ple said "write something not so nice here." my family told me ...

but other than that iw ould leave it out maybe?

Undergraduate / Common Application. Help me choose a topic between these two! [10]

i think its pretty obvious the 1st one.
plus you may learn some stuff about yourself along the way. itll be a chance for you to get really deep and show that racism is truly somethig that ALL races deal with (i know this was pretty obvious but sometimes it feels as if ple sterotype only blacks or hispanics as being the only ones who murder)

i really like the 1st idea as well.

good luck!

Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

chess should be pretty unique.
go with that :)

Undergraduate / "A mother of thirty-seven" - UC APPLICATION [10]

i just felt the intro was a little cliche all together. im a little ambivalent on how i feel about the whole mother analogy thing, but everyone is saying you should change it, so i think thats best as well. maybe you should say something like you had 37 ple in your immediate family? idk.

Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

^^ admissions ple would look at this as either "we have SEVERAL people who join clubs and keep their grades up"

OR

"you need to get your priorities straight, next time, dont join so much s*it"

yeaa, more and more, chess seems like the ideal one. im just reinforcing this. :P

good luck!! be confident!

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

this is definitely a list of things.
the prompt asks something like elaborate on something.
so what you need to do, is jsut try to not showcase your activities (since im sure you prolly wrote about it in the app already anyway) but just speak from the heart. i think they want you to really say now what the common app questions havent asked. like maybe a story that led you to play the violin, or your first time playing.

somehting.
anything but a list.

good luck!

Undergraduate / Who I Want To Be> Undergraduate Admissions, Personal Statement [7]

you have trite phrases in your essay that need to be either rephrase or removved


like this.

just work on making this stronger. i dont think you have to rewrite it, but you do have some work to do.

good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

teehee verdad

and for your future writing, your sentences are, what i think, run-ons.
it makes the story seem to go on and on, when really that is not what you are doing. become friendly with semicolons and periods ;)

good luck!

Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

sorry for the provacative-ness :[


^^ yea! this will be great. itll show that it is a commitment. ive read somewhere that its always great to show commitment or passion in something. to not just say, "i volunteer here and i neveer will volunteer again" but if you want to continue your sport of chess, this is good b.c. it shows that its not just a one time thing or something.

i think is gonna be good :]

Undergraduate / Very short response to Brown supplement [8]

the only problem im having with this, is i dont see exactly how your connecting browns changing the world to your being openly gay just yet.

i LOVE where your trying to go and everything, i just dont see how your there as of yet.

good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Summer camp days' - Stanford letter to roomate [8]


^ i think i worded this wrong...

im not sure if others will like it, but i think its good. :)
simone is right though, maybe try adding some details, but its a rly cute twist on the idea. (yea idk if 'cute' is waht you were going for lol)

Undergraduate / (A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK? [9]

i am one who doesnt believe in "peer pressure" :O lol. i feel ple make their own decisions, so when writing this, make sure it is written well, and you dont end up completely BLAMING everyone else. that will definitely show you havent grown.

mark the no circle since it was lifted. no need to recorded if it was dropped from ur recorded. =] lucky U! lol

it can be a VERY good essay, just do it well.

good luck!!

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


and this is said perfectly

i dont see the connection either. honeslty you started to lose me at the part about your grandfather and nursing home and stuff. i didnt understand where it was coming from. you need a better transition from your wanting to go to the school yto the why.

the ending was a little flat as well.

good luck!

Undergraduate / RISD SHORT ESSAY [16]

i actually like the essay topic. dont lose confidence in it! its just, like any essay, some stuff needs to be made stronger, some stuff needs to be said differenrly etc. your problem in this essay is tense issues. it seems as if you just wrote it and just posted it up and that was it. and not even that much thought. u just wrote it as if it was happening now. the tenses were off. that was the main issue. other than that i happen to like the topic. idk how the other members will feel, but i say make keep the topic, but perfect it :D

good luck chica!!

Undergraduate / single parent home - Proofread, suggestions-MSU Personal statement [3]

College is just the next step needed to secure my future. I feel confident that Michigan State University is the right institution to do so.

the prompt says to describe the enviroment you come from, which you do when you say single parent and diverse school. yet you dont answer the second part about affecting your plans for the future really well. you should expand more on that.

good luck!!!

Undergraduate / the pediatric volunteer - Common App- Siginificant experience [7]

i truly love this essay. it could be a very strong entry once you polish it more.
like...


this paragraph. you get here and then you lose it. you just go onto this thing and its all miguel is the reason i wanna be a doctor blah blah blah. make this stronger. once you make this as strong as the rest, your essay will be great.

btw, i also love how you start at your going to the place and end there. and i like your end sentence.

good luck! i really hope it comes together!

Undergraduate / "How Your Mind Works"; Why I want to major in psychology [5]


^^ this ending too i think should be a little stronger. this seems a little trite maybe?


^ i like the way this is worded btw.


^ i personaly think your using great/enough vocab. its a simple but strong essay. at first i felt you shouldnt mention the korean thing but that was b4 i read on and saw that you too were korean. it make this EVEN more personal. for some reason though, i think you should make the cho story the main reason why you want to major in psycology OR make that the "sign". like say in the beginning youve always had an interest in psychology, but then when that cho incident happened you took that as a sign b.c. as of now, your intro is a little bit weak.

this i think will be a strong entry :D
good luck!

Undergraduate / The cruel and the heartless/ Significant risk or Ethical dilemma [8]

you also have some phrases that are commonly worded too:

This belief was put into question when I was asked to do the impossible.

"There's no use dwelling on the past because its something you can't change. Instead you should learn from it so that it won't happen again."

At that moment I finally forgave myself and instantly felt much better.

I also learned

its not a terrible essay, and it has potential, but you need to be more exciting in it. i am one, for example, that doesnt belief "treat others as you want to be treated"

after reading this, i still am not a believer.

you should make me a believer.

Undergraduate / "help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice [16]

i think its great at the start!! once i read a book with admissions essays with ple who got into harvard and one essay had someone who wrote these exact words (or something close to it LMAO):

"...now i had to figure out a way to flush my handmade toilet. sh*t"
they used such a provacative word in an ADMISSIONS essay and got into HARVARD. so i think this is PERFECT. def. catches the attention. ITS A GREAT essay. def. agree with simone on this one. let the expert critiquers come in, but def. dont change the opening. ;)

Undergraduate / Influential person for Common Apps-my boyfriend [12]

this may sound stupid but its REALLY bothering ME


when you say college preparation, it makes it all sound so recent. too recent. like this all just happened u know? when reading it, it sorta rushed the story as i was reading it, and rushed the timeline right along. im not sure if thats waht you were going for, but being that this is an admissions essay, im guessing thats NOT what you want. you want to talk about you and your LIFE almost. (idk ive taken ap english as im sure you have so you can relate to what im saying about techniques that rush the story along and stuff)

other than that, i HEAVILY agree with simone. give it to him. say ILY and then write about someone else. although everyone has a bf and gf these days, for some reason it doesnt feel appropriate.

unless you can make it REALLY good.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

though i do agree with liebe, i hear the book the secret (by rhonda byrne) is very uplifting. its DEFINETLY inspiring and stuff. my sister and a few friends have read it. i would consider you read it too. i want to, but i havent gotten around to it yet.

i would consider you to NOT choose harry potter. i know this essay isnt for columbia u, but i went to the informational and the admissions person said "we want to see ur reading more than just harry potter or twilight." ( im a HUGEEE potter fan btw. read ALL the book and seen alll the movies)

i also dont think you should choose a school book. they are VERY boring and u dont want it to be an ap english essay or a book report.

i rly do think you should check out secret or the secret.

edit
forgot to say good luck!!

Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

Meeting people, debating, public speaking, researching, and traveling are all tempting to me. Something that could combine them all is even more alluring. Model United Nations seemed appealing as a chance to travel on school days. <--- this makes it seem like u do it just to get out of school lol. i suggest removing this.

When I auditioned to join the club, I was not yet interested in politics.

--> here is a gap. what made u change your mind?<--

Since then ( since when?), it became addictive; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance (chance to do what?). I traveled to Singapore, Turkey, and England to attend three conferences representing different countries I barely knew of before. I valued that experience and the opportunity to make friends from all over, to be introduced to politics, and to have intellectual conversations. I lost my stage fright through repetitive exposure to audience (you dont mention stage fright in the beginning and how it was an obstacle, so unless you do this, this sentence to me makes no sense).

Fortunately, graduating from high school is not going to be the end of it , what I accomplished was just the beginning.

this ending is flat. it sorta doesnt make sense almost b.c. your like graduating from high school b.c. cant you still do these type of activities after high school? does this give u an idea? maybe make that your ending. say how although ur graduating, your gonna try to do it after high school.

hopefully some stuff i told u to take out will allow for you to add some stuff you want to.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "one week to compensate for 7 years of absence" - UF Topic [11]

ur cuban! cool!! me 2! :D
ive never met another cuban person my age lol :P

-edit: a question about the common app though, what do you put when they ask about your race?-

now about your essay,

My days were spent playing anything from baseball, soccer or volleyball with both of my cousins, a 15 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. Looking at them gave me an unforgettable feeling of sadness, knowing that neither of them had ever been able to experience what the average kid in America experiences, no theme parks, malls, not even popcorn at what they call a movie theatre.

okay, you say this, but then you dont connect it to you. so waht your sad about your cousins not being able to experience anmerican luxuries. you leave the reader with a big AND.

That week was without a doubt the most amazing week of my life in the past 7 years, no amount of entertainment in the U.S.A had provided me with more excitement than that that I had in my indigent home land.

^^ okay, if this is true, than your previous statment about the kids not having american things like amusement parks is basically invalid. if you had so much fun, then the kids there wouldnt be so sad. this seems to be a contradiction. do u see it?

its a decent essay, just smooth out some of those things. :)

good luck!

Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

im indifferent.

okay, i know this is gonna sound...bad? but you have to keep the admissions ple in mind. sure its not about them, but being that they pick you, it kinda is whne you think about it...

after reading so many essays, the admissions ple get tired and start to skim. while this is a VERY great and well written essay, i think you should try to do the whole allegory thing still but a shortened version, as they will naturally skim your essay and not catch it COMPLETELY (well theyll catch it, but i mean not all).

it is VERY good, but will only be fully read if one has time and one isnt reading over 10000+ essays. but since thats not the case, find a way to do it this well with less details and words and things as such.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

come at it at a better angle please. (i thought it was inadvertantly rude. u didnt think it was but it was.) like llama said, MANY people have written about this school so it it well known and florida does have a lot of good schools so dont say "a flordia school?" that actually shouldnt be a surrpise. one of the nots in a college essay is putting something WAYYY down to show how great the revalation is/was and that is EXACTLY what you did.

edit: consider a rewrtie from a different angle in my opinion.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

no offense to your english teacher at all, buttttt i mean maybe shes overwhelmed. i would say on this issue, not that she doesnt know hwat shes talking about, but shes not giving you thorough feedback. honestly its good to put yourself in the admissions ple place. i know it sounds bad to constantly think about them but thats the way of the world. they dont wanna hear that you think thought their school was at the bottom and all that stuff. i actually think the approach isnt strong.

im not an english teacher, but i think some offense will be taken by admissions ple if you go about it this way. get 2nd and 5th and 6th opinions. this site is winning since we mostly feel the same way. id sayy dont completely listen to ur teacher then. lol :)

Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]

i hate being meann

okayy, so i competed at this national pageant one time, and this girl asked my mom her opinion on her speech. she got on stage (it was at night so most ple were sleep or gone or w.e.) and did her speech on peer pressure. my mom told her "your speech is boring"

the girl got nervous, but i mean she couldnt change it now! she was already at the paegant and had it memprized and everything! she ended up not placing for the speech.

aftere reading your essay, and although i hated my mom for saying it to the girl, yor essay was boring. i HATE having to skin through essays b.c. i hope noone would skim through mine and miss stylistic stuff or allegories or w.e., but i skimmed through yours. i think you have to find a more interesting topic. idk waht others will say, but for me, it bored me. i didnt want to keep reading esp when i got to the 2nd paragraph, ESP when i saw how long it is. idk, consider breaking it into 2 paragraphs to play tricks on the readers eyes or something but i think you should rly find a more interesting story to tell. this seems to go on and on and i really dont see how it relates to you so much anyways.

i saw you said your having a hard time, but you should just focus. take a few days from writing and then come back to it. that helps too!

good luck!

Undergraduate / "I love airports." - common app essay [10]


LMAOOOOOO nahhhh my sister and i looked at her like she had 5 heads after she told that girl that lol. i jsut thought id give an anecdote b4 i said that >.<

thats soo funnyyy :P

Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay (a mission trip) [6]

-NOTO, the word limit is 250 words.

okay i know that the prompt may not say it, but i would suggest you take out the last sentence and add something that links your expereince to how it will help you in the school. as of now its VERY loose/hanging. its like, okay...

my suggestion: i know the word limit is very "fierce" but maybe write and expand where i suggested if you want, or with the suggestions of other forum members w.e. you want. then post (not even caring about the word limit)

then we can tell you what to omit. it will make for a stronger essay. as of now though, your essay seems to lack depth.

good luck!