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Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009
Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 442  

From: United States of America

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Nov 13, 2013
Poetry / Cosmonaut - Poem about personification/metaphor [3]

Hey guys,

It's been a while since I posted on here (used to be a contributor :]) I'm taking a class in poetry and the teacher wanted us to write a poem that either revolves around some sort of personification or metaphor without any other guidelines. I'm inexperienced in poetry so I thought I would fall back on the old and trusty EssayForum.com for some help!


She is a skipping stone, her dress a silken polish.
An ephemeral force whisks her out, stardust dancing along her rim.
On her first bounce, she slams into the water, her ripples crashing out into the furthest of planets.
Her second bounce grazes the moon, she waltzes along the shimming void,
She glides across bottomless cosmos on her third bounce, she slows, her light fading.
And on the fourth bounce she rests, eternal as the night sky.
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "That's the magic of Math!" - Common app [8]

First of all I found this essay extremely cute. Just wanted to put that out there.
Some parts were confusing for me though.

When I took AP Statistic, it changed my view of math. Math, from another perspective, it's more about interpretation rather than application.
"That's good question!" I shouted out after I realized the "trick".
"Yes, that is a good question." Mr. Tsai said while smiling.

^I don't understand how the dialogue between you and your teacher shows that math is about interpretation.

"Miss, do you know why the deverivative..." I said mysteriously.
"Actually no, why?" She waited for me to answer.
"Look, I just realized this yesterday while in shower..." I said loudly.
"Wow, nice...Yeah, explain to the class." she agreed

^I don't understand the ...'s

When other students understood the concepts and said!"

^Now this is the important part of the essay. You should write more about how you understood that maybe math is not just math but rather a tool that you can use to communicate with other people and give them hope. After all it was the only thing that you knew when you came to the states. I want to see the story build up.

"Because I'm a math-magician."

^Too cool ;)

Maybe you should cut down on the dialogue a little because it makes your essay choppy. Concentrate on the purpose of your essay. You want to show the reader how you've progressed through math and ultimately came to help other people through your understanding of it.
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "I know I meet Stanford's standards": What Makes Stanford a Good Place for You? [5]

I like it mostly.

I know that any college I go to will be prestigious; this I am sure.

^Sounds arrogant. You should probably reword this.

All of the colleges I am applying to have nice looking campuses, a medium sized student body, and challenging classes.

^You don't need to mention the other schools you're applying to. It kind of sounds like you're telling Stanford that if they don't accept you, other nice schools will.

I know Stanford University meets my standards for quality education and-excuse my modesty-I know I meet Stanford's standards.

^Alright, I like this attitude but admissions will probably not like it. It's for them to judge if you meet Stanford's expectations.

I know that Stanford's selection process focuses on the cohesiveness and uniqueness of the student body, and that is what stands out the most to me.

^Delete this and tell them more about what stands out most in you.
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Optional Essay-Talking about my personality, interests, etc. [6]

You might want to cut down on the first few sentences if you're short on words.

Most people answered either 'rap' or 'rock'. It was as if people were too afraid to say anything else for fear of being laughed at. When it was my turn, I said in a firm voice so everyone could hear: "Classical Music."

^Maybe you can say this in less words. "I said classical music despite blah blah blah..." Something shorter cause the way it is right now sounds overly dramatic.

Actually I suggest that you delete the first two paragraphs altogether since they have nothing to do with the rest of the answer, which is the important part.

I addressed the reader towards the end. I am wondering if that is ok in an essay?

^I personally like that you do it since it sounds professional. However I don't think that you should do it cause it's one of those things you're supposed to do in a college app.
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Fatty Fadi (laugh now:)" - Stanford University: Letter to Roommate [5]

I don't really have much to say about this essay since it's just one of those essays.

I think that it's perfectly fine although nothing new or fancy. I find that half of the people who write this essay go about it in the same way you do.

so please think about that when your order a pizza in the afternoon!

^A little cheesy if you ask me.

When I wrote this essay last year I didn't know if it was a serious topic pretending to be lighthearted or something. I basically concluded that this topic is really not something that admissions will judge harshly on. I didn't get into Stanford though so that probably tells you how well I did on my essay haha. Anyway, I do think that you deliver well in the way that you choose to.
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Renovating a dilapidated house- Common App SA [4]

Alright, I'm not sure if this even meets the essay prompt

^I'm not really sure either and that's probably a bad thing.

I mean what the prompt wants you to do is probably describe a pleasant activity/educational one. I thought that this event was going that way until the last part, which left me rather confused as to what I'm supposed to imply from this.

Why were you fixing up this house anyway? I would think that you realized something more positive from this experience other than the fact that some people are really mean.
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Describe your environment, "Buffy the vampire slayer" [4]

You don't write enough about how that event influenced the person you are today. I mean I understand that you became more aware of your surroundings but how has that awareness changed you?

What was turkey and what was not.

^I understand what you're trying to say here but you could say it more clearly. More importantly, all of these environmental factors in your life have to be a part of you also. I want to know how your culture influences you.
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "everything about people's behavior" - unique qualities that attract you the College [4]

I am actually a freshman right now at UM!

Getting into Michigan won't be great, it'll be a-Maize-ing.

^Funny, but this shouldn't be in your essay.

I was a little confused throughout your essay. I don't get how the guest speaker has to do with anything and neither do you apparently:

I have often wondered if our guest speaker had somehow hypnotized us into becoming suddenly obsessed with the study of the brain.

Maybe you should cut down on the intro since I don't see what you're trying to do with it and maybe talk more in depth about how psych intrigues you.

Whenever I had a random thought, I would instantly try to figure out why I had that thought. I could usually figure out where it came from, and thus figured that there really is no such thing as a random thought. I sadly noted later on that someone had already come to that conclusion. I hammered these "hobbies" so well into my head that I could pick up on anyone's mood in an instant.

^I don't think that you're really explaining what you want to explain here. Maybe take some more time in developing this section.

Maybe you're dissatisfied with current contributions to the field of psych so you want to bring yourself into the area. Maybe you feel that many of your ideas are already a part of psych and you want to know how much stuff there is to learn about it. It'd be nice to know what you plan to do with this information.

I like to think about thoughts and U of M has the 2nd best department for thinking about thoughts is probably not enough.

In my heart though, it's first.

Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "lived to save her and to save myself" - where you come from, UC personal [6]

^Now this is essay material, especially since you don't talk much about your dreams and aspirations in the essay.

I think that it's perfectly fine to aspire to live. In fact, I think it's the most important thing.
It's also important to tell the reader of your vision for the future. Having one is also something important.

For this essay I guess the mood is very important and that's why I'd like to see the last 1/3 of your essay look like a sunrise because right now it doesn't quite do that. I would do this by stating what you just said in your comment. Of course without the grades and stuff. Focus on your outlook on life. In the end I would also try to provide a new direction that your going to go in from now on other than just plain living.

You need to make it certain without any doubt that you believe in your future now.
Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "Why I Do Theater" - Yale Supplement [6]

I love it.

And yet, in all honesty, I don't do theater for others. I do it for myself. There is no greater feeling than an audience furiously applauding at a curtain call. And there is no greater growth than that which theater cultivates. The plethora of activities in which I am involved are all wonderful experiences, but nothing can compare to performing on the stage.

^Especially this part.

I think it gets to the point without trying to be showy and you tie everything together well. I like the progression of talking about how you can affect other people, and then how you get something out of theatre as well. It really makes you more multidimensional than many other applicants who only talk about their undying love for serving other people (me being one of those applicants). I like that you are in theatre for yourself.

You could add a little more about how it feels to become those characters. I also think that you could make the connection clearer between the appreciation of simplicity and theatre itself rather than just the song.
Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / College Essay: Salvation Army, Community Service [3]

She was dressed in old clothing and [....] realized that I could make a difference in her life.

^ This part is a little lengthy. I don't think that your introduction of the woman should take up half of your essay.

I would emphasize how this experience helped you realize that communication barriers can be broken and how you've become more social and self confident in your service to others. I don't particularly see the connection between your service to others and your contribution to the university. Maybe you should add a little detail there.

I liked the introduction and I think that you need to keep that pace going with the rest of your essay. Instead of stating the experience and then reviewing it afterwards, you could probably fuse the two parts with more progression and storytelling. At each stage of the experience, what did you take from it at that particular moment.
Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "I want to know whom we are" - Stanford (intellectually engaging idea) need criticism [5]

I like this idea of hypothetical situations and I think that it can be developed into a more complex one.

First of all your essay is basically about how one should not judge a book by it's cover, which doesn't really relate to the hypothetical situations thing. This saddens me a little because I thought that you were going to tackle some engaging philisophical concepts.

The examples that you give are kind of cliche. Screaming men and unlikely heroes are both used often for this theme. I think that if you were to stick with this topic, you would have to develop something deeper and tell the reader how this idea effects you.

An idea that just came into my head with this situational stuff. You could write about how lucky you are that you will not have to find out what it is like to be in the situations that you thought up (which are very much reality for some people like the soldiers and people who are in real disasters). I guess that could effect how you live your life.

But I probably shouldn't be giving you a topic since this essay is about an idea that you find interesting :-/
Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / My Journey as a Fighter. College essay, topic of choice. [2]

First of all, I thought that your essay was intensely engaging because you deal with unique subjects, but in some parts I feel like it's almost too intense.

For example, your first sentences: "I begin to feel the warmth of blood rushing through my nose and into my mouth. I tuck my chin to spit."

This grabs my attention immediately but I don't know if it's in a good way or a bad way. It feels kind of scary, and that's the way I feel throughout your essay.

In order to conquer this, I feel like I need more explanation in this essay as to how this sport is healthy for your mind and body because right now it sounds rather pointless to be beating up people or getting beat up in a cage.

The struggles in life and the struggles in MMA have a common bond

This is good. More explanation would be better.

Overall, your essay talks about two things: MMA and your dad's addictions. I want more of your input. How it effects you in more detail. I think that the segment about your dad has more potential than the description of MMA.

If you just worked off of this and put more of why it effects/changed you I feel like you will have a really strong essay. You can add you experiences with MMA along with it. How does MMA define you? How does your father define you? How does it help you channel your emotions? Hopefully it's in a way that makes you stronger.
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "convenience, ardor, and majors" - UCF Admission Essay - why I chose UCF [3]

^Get to the point or develope a more lively introduction that doesn't start with a broad statement.

In particular, the noble, Florida State University, does not offer such a major.

^the prompt asks why you want to go to UCF, not why UCF is better than FSU
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Math, continuous learning - Discuss the subjects you have excelled. [4]

My continuous learning and my obsession of achieving the best and becoming rank number 1 in my school, never really allowed me to know which subjects I have excelled most, but I guess the medals I got at the end of the school year revealed which courses I excelled most.

^You used "excelled most" twice, it sounds awkward. Are you really #1 in your school? And you sound kind of arrogant when you say that you're so good that you don't know what you're good at most.

I viewed each course as different steps I have to achieve to reach my goals. I have excelled in math and science the most.

^again with "the most" and the first sentence is random.

These two classes gave me an excuse to come to school everyday.

^an excuse to come to school? does that mean that you wouldn't go to school if you did not have these two subjects in your schedule?

Math is an easy but complex course to learn. It is complex it take more solving skills and adding a few extra steps to get the right answer. In other words it is simple because it takes only a few steps for people to do to be victorious with the answer.

^I'm thoroughly confused by this. I don't think that you need these general statements. Everybody knows what math is like.

Math was never my favorite subject. When I was in Ghana, I would be among the bottom 5. I had such a hard time with the class all the time and I used to say to myself that I was doing my best and my best got me in the bottom 5. I was in boarding school so I did not have any parent to help me with my assignment. My best friend on the other hand was among the top 5.

^Placing such emphasis on your placement amongst your peers does not demonstrate a lust for knowledge but rather a desire for unessential status.

My math teacher was not helpful. He would scream and make fun of me every time.


Another liberal class I enjoyed learning and excelled was chemistry. The study of substances and the interactions between the different types of matter, especially electrons and understanding the way everything around us works fascinated me.

^You can't just add something randomly as an afternote. You mentioned science before and yet you did not explain that. Either expand it or delete it.
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "My interest lies in science" - MIT World I come from [3]

This is an event, not an example of the world you come from.

Those speckled eggs represent what people have destroyed-are in the process of destroying. My interest lies in science, where I might possibly reverse previous damage on ecosystems and aquatic habitats. But this does not mean I cannot extend my influence to change the attitudes of fellow people. In other words, convince them to treasure the few blue speckled eggs we have left.

^I don't understand this part. How can science reverse this scenario?
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "weaknesses have turned out my strong points" - The world I come from MIT Essay [5]

^Straight up bad introduction. The first sentence is unnecessary. The second sentence is cliche. The third sentence is both cliche and unnecessary. You need to begin with something more interesting.

throughout your essay all you do is describe in a quite consistantly boring tone.

He hashad taught for five years in Russia as well and with him I was able to learn things beyond the scope of regular course books.

Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Your favorite books, music, artists, newspapers, films" UChicago short response [8]

Hi Edgar, I suggest you rewrite this because all you do is bring up point after point and never develope any of them. I would like to see you focusing on one book rather than summarizing two. You need to come up with a better structure than "In the book it's like this...and that relates to me because..."

Maybe you can elaborate on a single intellectual idea that intrigued you in the book.
Dec 8, 2009
Book Reports / Comparative Essay on Charaters of The Great Gatsby and Hamlet [4]

Daisy and Ophelia, in my opinion, were rather minor characters used to develope the main character. They are both presented as naive and not self-sustaining (Ophelia because she chose to let her father and brother manipulate her feelings...and Hamlet harmed her). Gertrude and Daisy have less similarities but they're both volatile women in terms of relationships with men.
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / 'The best advice is experience' - Cornell university --why cornell engineering? [12]

Frustrated, I dismantled the dictionary with my screwdrivers after I got back home, hoping to fix it on my own. However, as much as I am good at physics, I struggled in vain in the face of such technical work. That was when I finally made up mind to take up engineering in college.

^Physics...and fixing electronics. how do those two things relate? And it just sounds silly when you say that this event caused you to decide what you want to do for the next four years of your life.

Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering.

^Not how your interest in engineering came about, which is what your essay talks about.

"Boom!" "Oh, no!"

^Wouldn't it be more of a thump thump crack?
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "a passionate juggler" - Common App Short Answer [5]

Does my answer fit the prompt?

^Yes it does and it is also very unique. Before you mentioned

2008 International Jugglers' Association Festival held in Lexington.

I thought that the answer was little...I can't find the right word.

Much of my time is spent tossing balls and clubs into the air only to have them fall down and hit my hands again.

^For example, this just doesn't sound very intellectual.

Sometimes I get angry with the balls, but then I realize I can only be angry with myself.

^And this.
Dec 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]

Up until June 25th, 1941, when Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Executive Order 8802, which prohibited racial segregation.

^This is not a sentence.

we go on a quest

^"The author take us on a quest..."

The whole first paragraph is comprised of choppy statements.

What exactly is the essay question? Cause you may need more analysis in your body paragraphs rather than story telling.
Nov 20, 2009
Scholarship / Mathematics is my passion - Saint Louis University Scholarship Essay [3]

but when I found out I had only made the freshmen team I was devastated.

defining characteristic, distinguished accomplishment or particular aspiration

^These are all singular but you talk about soccer and mathematics :/ I would imagine that this is ok but...

Finally, Saint Louis University could compliment my leadership quality by providing me with the tools I need to be leader in my community.

^ I don't like the use of these transitions.

You really only tell tell tell. Like, I did this and I got that and then this and then that. I feel that this essay could capture the univerity's interests but it could also just fall flat. Best case scenario, the scholarship people are impressed with all of your accomplishments and decide that these accomplishments make you a better candidate. Worst case scenario...many scholarship aplicants have similar, if not greater, acheivements. In this case you would be better off with including a more personal approach to your essay. Show your traits rather than listing them off.
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Tutoring as an extracurricular activity"-UNIV OF ILLINOIS [4]



have born rich fruits


^I thought that these word choices were appropriate but awkward to read.

Being one of the first to successfully complete my math assignment, my lecturer asked me to elucidate the procedure to the reminder of the class.


Though I was initially sceptical

^Skeptical. and why were you skeptical?
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt #1: unsatisfied with high school; UC prompt #2: experience at COSMOS [4]

Wow. First essay is quite...well I don't want to say arrogant because it isn't really arrogant but some of it is quite unnecessary because you compare things too much. "Most people are like this...but I'm like this. Even though the classes were hard...My persevereance was so epic that it couldn't stop me" It's kind of like your setting yourself on a pedestal. It's not arrogant, just kind of annoying to read. I would describe the experience in a more personal way rather than having a more analytical tone.
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Helping Someone Dear to Me- UC prompt 2 [5]

What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud
and how does it relate to the person you are

^You didn't really answer this part of the prompt.



You spend a decent amound of space explaining the situation but not enough space relating the situation to yourself. I can only see from this essay that you have the sense to call 911 and appreciate your family, which won't particularly impress admssions.
Nov 20, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Categories of Criminals" - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [5]

Well the subject itself is not risky, but the examples you use to bring out your main idea is pretty risky.
You could mention these people but I would spend more time expanding it to something that discusses the negativities of stereotypes/ generalizations in general rather than just these murderers.
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Hanged Jesus portrait" - Common app - Evaluate a significant experience [3]

This is certainly a significant experience but I feel that your essay should show more than your compassion. I don't really see what you learned from this patient.

"Sir, unfortunately, today is my last serving to you. I learned many valuable life lessons from you. Thank you. Good bye."

^I wouldn't use the word "serving" because I feel like it has a negative connotation. Replace with "caring for" or something like that.

I do not know whether he lives or not. But, I am sure that he is getting better, and he do not lose his hope and belief.

^Well this is kind of contradictory because if he is not alive anymore, he can't really...get better.

The whole summary of the experience is a little choppy but I kind of like it, reminds of a story that I read back in the day...

anyway lol it is a little hard to understand because of some tense issues. I'm sure that others on this site will help you smooth that out. I'll just highlight a couple things that didn't make sense to me.

As I entered Intensive Care Unit, I knocked down about thirty seconds.

^Do you mean that you were in shock?

I try to talk with him; even I know what consequence is.

^What consequence?

I asked to Mrs. Kim and she say "many of peoples reflect their leg when we touched there.

^I don't really understand the leg thing.
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Being morally, physically, and intellectually strong, "Vires, Artes, Mores" [3]

I recommend you completely rewrite this essay so that it has a focus rather than a list of your activities. You repeat the definition of Vires too much and you need to spell out small numbers. Your essay should take the reader beyond what is listed on your application. Was there a specific time in sports when you needed Vires? Describe that occurance. Was there a time when you overcame an intellectual barriar in order to excel academically? Describe that. Merely listing all of your activities is not enough for a college essay
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "better interpersonal relationship" - UC Prompt #2 [10]

Boxin, why is it unfair to give ideas for improving the composition?

^It was because when this essay was posted zhoudongzhou gave very...unproductive feedback.
Nov 19, 2009
Undergraduate / I am going to make it to UCF, "bump in the road" [2]

I'm going to start off this essay with a simple statement: I am going to make it to UCF. I firmly believe that if you want something, and try hard enough to make it happen, nothing is impossible.

^Ummm...not quite, especially since college decisions are not always uniform...you can be the best student ever and not get accepted. This is an immediate turn off.

One of your essay topics mentioned "a bump in the road". My road has been full of bumps, to say the least.

^They don't need to be reminded of the prompt you are answering.

There were many times I thought I would never make it any further on that road, but somehow I would always find the strength to continue on.

^Get on with it.

Often I would have the responsibility of preventing and diffusing fights between my parents.

^Wait...I thought that your dad left.

Rather than reflecting my intelligence, my grades have reflected the difficult life that I have had at home.

^Kind of out of place.

The last paragraph is not very unique. All of it can be said for practically any college. I guess that's ok though cause it's hard to write something truly unique to the college you're applying to.
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay An essay about moments in my life [3]

I would say that this essay tries to incorporate too much and isn't very balanced.
The second event does not reveal anything about your character or what you learned from the experience.

These examples never really go beyond a description of the event, they are all told in a rather dull way.

A trip that I will remember for the rest of my life.

^I would avoid these types of sentences.

^Just say that you went hiking with the boyscouts in the Sangre de Christi mountains.
Nov 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / "People just keep changing"; What motivates people to change? For SAT [5]

First of all your thesis does not answer the prompt.

At the sametime, people's ethos and nomes of morality have changed, too.

When Robinson comes to the isolated island, his living styles change at first.

^You have to introduce Robinson. Otherwise the reader has to infer from the rest of your paragraph who he is.

Psychologists believe that society is the foundation of our exsistence...

^Actually this whole paragraph is just really confusing. What footprint?

You are lucky that you got a 7 on the essay. This essay has a thesis that is not a thesis and poor structure. SAT readers are usually more inclined to give you at least an 8 if you organize your essay into the standard intro, body paragraphs, conclusion. Your conclusion must be identifiable as a conclusion. It has to sum up your points in the body paragraphs, it doesn't even need to be fancy, just something like "people are motivated to change because of *insert the main ideas in your body paragraphs*" normally if you are not a strong writer you go for 2 or 3 body paragraphs, few people can pull off 1 body paragraph and get a high score.
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / "More than meets the eye" - essay for Chicago U. [4]

I am a mystical creature; unbelievably unusual. I have the exceptional ability to listen, to see without being seen. I am an observer. I go unnoticed; it serves my purposes as a spectator. I am never complacent of façades. I don't make assumptions or accusations.

^This makes you sound very weird. Especially the "mystical creature" part. Colleges don't want weird. It sounds as if you have no ambition and that you are...just weird. I don't think that it is humanly possible to not make assumptions.

Not sure if stating your ideals in the second paragraph is very wise since it doesn't really go anywhere and it seems to have no proven base to some of the statements.

You come off as thoroughly weird in this essay (at least I thought you did). Although U chicago is known for it's academic rigor and philisophical minds I'm not sure you are going about it in the right way.
Nov 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Not an artist myself' - Stanford A Good Place For You (many opportunities) [6]

You take a broad approach to this essay, which makes it more than 500 words. I'm not sure if admissions would like to read about every single thing that you like about stanford. I thought that you were going somewhere with your first paragraph but it turned out to be a somewhat unnecessary comparison to Stanford since you do not develope it beyond the intro.
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / 'the best educational setting' - Emory University Supplement [5]

Working with professors who have a passion for their field and care enough about their students to learn their names will allow me to receive the support I need to understand each discipline and to develop critical thinking skills in each one.

^I can't imagine how professors who knew your name would help you recieve the support to develope critical thinking skills.

Your essay is too general.

into a well-rounded individual.

^This is a problem and the indicator of a plain essay.

I think that you need to start with a different introduction.

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