Scholarship / Chevening is going to help me expand my network and relations with people who stick with their goals [8]

Liseth, you were able to revise your essay to enter into a more relevant mode of presentation. However, something got lost in the translation. While you explained how living abroad helped you learn how to network, the actual act of networking, in relation to the scholarship application disappeared. You concentrated so much on the project background that you accidentally mentioned the name of the doctor in charge of the project as the project head. Then promptly forgot to explain how you developed your networking skills as a member of this project.

You mentioned the goals of the project, excellent. So how was it executed? Who came up with the idea to network using the people and offices you mentioned? What was your part in it? How did you cultivate this contact and were you able to sustain it for future use? Do you continue to create networks today? How can you use it in the future?

I realize I offer a lot of questions for you to answer, but that is because you are expected to be able to present at least a framework of your past network as the basis of your future network that can help you and the other scholars if and when the time comes for you to need them.

Good revision though. Just keep on adjusting the content until you get it right. We will help you with that.

Scholarship / Chevening: Architect and Educator for The Future Development of Building Technology - Career Plan [5]

Ignatius, one of the specific instructions from Chevening is that their reviewers do not appreciate it when you repeat material you have already previously related in more than one essay. Each essay need to be unique and show a complete understanding of the prompt and the general directions you were given for essay writing. so the answer to your question is no, do not repeat information in your essays, this will have an effect on your application.

No matter how small the relation, present that as the work the UK did in your country. There are minute details that you can use, from what you have presented, that can help you make the case for it. For example, your main concern is architecture. So slant your concern towards sustainable architecture and then concentrate on the urban planning and land use connection to your career. Low carbon emission can also have a relation based upon the sustainable architecture part. When you build or design buildings to have harmony with nature and use non-invasive materials to build homes and other structures.

In general, your essay does not present a growth path that shows that you are character driven when it comes to your career and success. Due to the lack of year to year planning (short term 5 years, long term 10 years) , it would appear that are not concerned with your career growth. All you have to do at this point is assign a period of time to your plan. The reviewers look for a clear career plan path from the applicants because the Chevening scholars are expected to help the other scholars in the future. If you can't show it might be possible for you to do that, then they may not strongly consider your application.

Undergraduate / A kid from Mongolia - Northwestern Supplement [2]

Bat, it is difficult to gauge the relevance of your essay to the supplemental essay prompt you are trying to respond to. Please provide us with a copy of the prompt that you wrote for so that we can better assess your writing. In as far as the overall content of the essay is concerned, it seems to be alright, though grammatical errors do exist in your writing.

I have some concern regarding your referral to the "whole brain thinking" aspect of NU education. I believe that you should make a clearer declaration of how this appeals to you by providing examples of how you plan to use this to our benefit. Mention a few simple examples that apply to what you have in mind based upon the program.

I am also unsure as to whether the paragraph about AISEC is necessary in this essay. It seems like you are trying to prove a connection between NU and this organization for your benefit. Again, the lack of the prompt is what makes this connection unclear in terms of relevance to your application.

The last sentence that you provided is not really something that appears to have any relevance to your previous responses. Mostly because such a statement is usually made clearer by other common app prompts. I do believe that there is still some ways to go with this essay but can't direct you as to how you should do that until I see the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Cherishing my goverment that cares for people's health and knowledge [2]

There are problems with your spelling and grammar throughout the essay. Let me tell you something though, while other grammatical errors tend to irritate me, your grammatical errors, specially in spelling, are just so cute in the way it portrays the error that I can't help but smile at the thought that you were-this-close to almost getting the spelling right. Here's a tip, when you write the essay, since it is a practice test, do it as a document file. That way you can use spellcheck to correct your errors. It is much easier than having to look up the spelling in the dictionary, even it is online. Spellcheck can actually help improve your grammar and increase your practice test scores in the process.

Now, on to the main problem with your essay. You have made the very same mistake that the others before you made when responding to an opinion prompt. You placed your opinion at the conclusion of the essay. This is a mistake. You are not allowed to present your opinion in the paragraph that is supposed to just wrap up the discussion. Rather, you are supposed to deliver your opinion as a stand alone paragraph towards the end of the essay.

If you revise this essay to better reflect your opinion as required, you will have a 5 paragraph essay, which is the standard, correct format for writing these practice tests. Please consider revising your work as it will produce a better practice score for you.

Writing Feedback / The graph provides information regarding the recruitment number of English & French language tutors [3]

Hi Reski, here is a cleaned up version of your essay. I hope you can see where I made the improvements and how you can improve your content by simply separating the information into specific sentences within the applicable paragraph.

The graph provides information regarding the recruitment number of English and French language teachers in Ontario covering the years of 2001 to 2007. The graph clearly shows that there is a marked difference in the number of English and French language teachers respectively. There was a decrease in the English teachers, while the French teachers experienced an increase during the period indicated.

English teachers in 2001 were represented at 75 percent while the French language counterparts were only at 70 %. By the year 2003, the English teachers percentage experienced a decline to 35 percent. There was also a decrease of 70 to 68 percent from the year 2001-2003 in the French teacher area.

There was a slow increase in the number of English and French language teachers fro 2003-2005. Based on the graph information, the increase in English teachers ranged from 40 to 45 percent. While there was only a small rise in the area of French teachers. The increase in French teachers only went from 68 to 70 percent.

Though there was an increase three years later. The years of 2005 to 2007 showed different digits for English and French language teachers. English teacher numbers were down to 30 percent. While the French language teachers showed a fluctuating increase of 179w.

Scholarship / Russia and China relationship. Career plan, Chevening. Feel free to comment, very nice of you all [4]

Ruslan, when you mention enticing the Chinese companies to enter the Russian market, remember to start a new paragraph for it. You should only discuss one topic at a time in each paragraph. Your first paragraph is already running too long as it is. So you need to separate the two thoughts by creating new paragraphs. Don't forget to add content development to each paragraph. If it is less than 5 sentences, the paragraph is too short. Also, discuss how much time you think it will take for you to develop the necessary framework to get it done. If it will take you all of 5 years, explain why that is.

Now, as for the professor part of your discussion, it does come out of nowhere. Taysha is right about that. However, I have a different take on how to handle it. You don't have to change your plans in order to make the essay work. Stick to what you really want to be. All you have to do, is create a transition paragraph between the framework discussion and enticing the Chinese companies to invest in Russia, then lead in with another paragraph that will explain how the years of knowledge you accumulated will give you a unique perspective that you want to share with the next generation of students by becoming a professor. Or something along those lines.

Undergraduate / Describe your interest and experience in your chosen major (300-400 words) [3]

Taysha, there is no reason to mention race or color in this essay because that is not the kind of experience being referred to by the prompt. Rather than the class experience that you spoke of, what you were expected to present, was your experience in the field of computer programming if any. So the fact that you were the only girl in class, the discomfort that you felt, and the other personal information regarding your experience in the classroom isn't what you were expected to present.

Instead, you were supposed to discuss why you are interested in the field of computer programming. What was the first program you ever used and what function did you develop using it? How did you feel the first time you successfully created a program? What experience do you have using other programs? The essay is about your academic experience, not your classroom and peer experience. I think you accidentally confused the two so you ended up writing a different essay from the prompt.

Scholarship / A gift which changed my everyday life: the laptop; Chevening - your chosen three university courses [7]

The language you use sometimes gets confusing for the reader. I know that it is because you are not very familiar with using the English language so I will not ding you on that note. However, it would be in your best interest to do a grammar check and clean up as you revise the essay. The more polished you can make the paragraphs the better understood your message will be on the other end. Right now, I don't want you to concentrate on the grammar problems. Focusing on that instead of the content of the essay will only lead to an even weaker paper. You should first make sure that the essay contains all of the information you want to relay. Once that is done, you can focus on the other aspects of the essay that need to be worked on.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

If you remove the first sentence of your last paragraph, you will immediately bring the word count down to 495. Which will bring you well in range of the 500 maximum word count. I also think that you should remove the quote from the unknown Chevening scholar at the beginning of the essay. Now that I have had a chance to review your almost finalized essay, it seems to me that the quote is just taking up space. In a word limited essay, sometimes it is better to get direct to the point instead of beating around the bush. In this case, immediately responding to the prompt will definitely lead to a tighter and more informative essay. With the freed up word count, you can even add more information that you feel is necessary to the essay. Or, you can just leave the essay alone, without additional information. Either ways, the shorter the essay is, the better it will be to submit since the reviewer won't have a chance to get bored with your writing.

Scholarship / Human resource management and the marketing communication and advertising - why these courses? [6]

Choyhar, there are a number of discrepancies in your essay. First of all, you are being asked to choose 3 universities and you only chose two. Then you decided to discuss only one university instead of 2. Finally, the rest of the essay sounds more like a personal statement for a college application. It does not follow the prerequisite format and information that these prompts expect you to deliver.

It is important that you develop a new essay in place of this one. One that actually delivers the prompt expectations. Do more research and find the other 2 schools that you feel offer you the best options for pursuing a masters degree in a related field. That is, should your first choice university fall through.

You currently have a personal statement presented in the prompt. That is the main problem with this essay. So you cannot simply revise it to fit the prompt. I hope you can do more research into the universities and actually come up with the 3 university course requirement.

Scholarship / Oh Death! I was eighteen, in senior secondary three, when my father died; figure or movement inspire [7]

Well the essay has a really good message. While the grammar errors make it a bit difficult to read at times, it does not take away from the meaning of the essay or the sentiment you are trying to deliver. The only problem I can see, is that the paragraphs talking about your mother and brother as inspirations are quite short. As such, it feels like there is missing information in the essay. Are you sure you have shared all of the information that you can regarding how these two people inspire you? I just feel like you can say more.

For example, talk more about the self-sacrifice that your mother undergoes to support you. How does her hardship inspire you? How is the farmland currently doing? We need to show that your mother was able to succeed in tending the land that your relatives told her she could not do. In order to be a true inspiration, you need to show her success that inspired you to do well in school for her.

As for your brother, what did he sacrifice in exchange for giving you a chance to attend school? What difficulties does he faces as an Okada? Has he offered you any words of wisdom that have helped to inspire you to not take the family sacrifices for granted? It is important that you provide information that makes his sacrifices notable and truly inspiring. It should be about more than just supporting the family. Create a personal connection between the two of you that helps to push forward when you feel like you want to give up.

Then conclude by explaining how your inspirations have combined to create a movement within yourself that translates to a desire to finish college so you can help them improve their own lives as well.

Undergraduate / Application Essay What got me into architecture, how does it manifest itself in my everyday life? [4]

Chris, a word of advice, you really need to learn how to divide your essay into paragraphs. This bunched up format just doesn't work for the reader. It makes the eyes tired and reading difficult. A formal essay should be divided into at least 5 paragraphs. I hope you can find a way to do that with the revisions I will be suggesting.

Now, the discussion asks you to reflect upon architecture in your everyday life. Unfortunately, that is not what you discussed. What you presented was an opinion paper regarding architecture instead. The best approach to correcting this error would be for you to write a totally new essay.

You can start by discussing how you came to notice architecture at the age of 13. Make sure to make mention of the method by which your interest in the field developed. Don't wax poetic as you are doing now. Instead, write a straightforward essay that clearly indicates the development of your interest. So, what happened at the age of 13 that got you interested in the field? Build upon that information until you finally explain how architecture eventually became a part of your everyday life. That is when the manifestation occurred for you.

Scholarship / 'Dermatology career' - Post study career plan. Chevening scholarship essay [2]

Aysha, I have some suggestions for further improving your career plan and it involves slightly reformatting the paper and then better developing your short and long term career plans. I hope you will be receptive to my ideas.

For the introduction, I suggest that you bring up the discussion about the plans of your president for the country. It seems that your plans have some sort of direct relation with his vision for healthcare in your country. So it would be best to use it as an introduction to your career plans. You just have to make sure that you have a transition sentence at the end that will help to introduce your career plans.

You weaken your discussion by discussing options instead of solid plans. Talk about the ideas you are presenting as a fact, a reality that you know you can achieve in a set period of time. Refer to your first 5 years after your discussion regarding the plans of your president. Create a direct connection between your five year plans and his ambition every chance you get. Do not discuss the five year plan collectively. Discuss it on a per year basis if possible. Be clear as to how you plan to achieve these goals. Finally, give a summary of your long term, 10 year plan as the culmination of everything you will have learned and your ultimate career goal.

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [11]

Definitely write about your first choice university at the start. In fact, it would be helpful to your application if you make your university choices clear in order of preference. That way, you can discuss your strongest reasons first in support of the first university. While I understand that there is a sense of uniformity in the way the universities approach their masters degree courses, there are always opportunities to find a difference between the programs. These differences will probably be more evident in their internship programs, training options, or the way the courses are approached for teaching. You need to find that difference in order to help the universities stand out on their own in your application. Think of the time when you were applying to college, you were applying for the same course major in each one right? Yet you had a clear preference in universities based upon a particular reason. The same criteria applies to choosing your masters degree university.

Undergraduate / The most important section in a student's live (personal statement for CUHK) [4]

Karen, I am wondering if your personal statement for this application has instructions that it should be divided into separate sections? Doing that doesn't make this a free flowing and involving essay. The discussion is almost bullet point like and really boring to read. Remember, formatting of your paper will help keep the interest of the reviewer, so dividing it into sections, when not necessary removes the continuity in presentation for the reader. Try to write this as a normal, paragraph divided instead of topic divided essay.

Don't you have a guide question or prompt to help you develop your personal statement? At the moment, this sounds more like a rigid Q&A instead of an application essay. That said, your motivation for studying business administration needs to be better developed. The choice of attending CUHK should not be discussed as part of the motivation for your choice if college major's. That is something that is best answered in one of the other common app essays (if provided).

If you want this essay to become more interesting to the reader, you need to relax and just talk about yourself. Not in this academic manner, but rather on a personal level that shows personal side. The information you provide is too stringent and academic. A personal statement is your chance to relax and just let the reviewer know about your fun side in relation to your potential college attendance. Look over the examples of similar essays here if you need an example to follow.

Scholarship / A gift which changed my everyday life: the laptop; Chevening - your chosen three university courses [7]

Marie, I believe that your opening paragraph is weak. The weakness lies in the fact that you are relying on an almost childhood memory to establish an interest in computers. What you need to establish at this point, is your professional experience in relation to your chosen masters degree studies. Therefore, you should discuss your work description and how that led you to realize that you need to gain higher education in order to remain relevant in the field.

Please do not discuss the two universities in the same paragraph. It is important to remember that although the same course is offered, there are still some programs that set the two university offerings apart. Find that difference and develop individual paragraphs describing each university choice based upon the difference. If you have 2 options with the same description, then it cannot really be considered separate options.

Your last paragraph is unnecessary in the completion of the essay. You can prove that statement in the leadership and influencing role or post study career essay. It is not applicable to this discussion. You should only discuss your university choices here.

Scholarship / I have always said that architecture is my passion but volunteering has my heart. Applying Chevening [5]

Liseth, you really should no longer discuss the FIFA event as I mentioned before. It takes away the attention and impressiveness of your work with the rotaract club. In fact, it seems like you stopped discussing your rotaract activity just before you got to the good part about your ability to display your leadership and influencing skills. The topic has so much potential to show off your skills and the FIFA event, it just doesn't have the same impact and impressive discussion that the prior topic hits the reader with.

Improve upon the essay by omitting the part I told you about and expanding on the leadership challenges and motivational tools that you had to use in order to make the rotaract project successful. Keep in mind that Chevening would most likely be impressed by the actions you took in this field because their scholarship program is on the lookout for future leaders who can embody their objectives and purposes. Being a member of the rotaract, you can definitely present those potential or expected strengths to your benefit.

Undergraduate / Essay: people I might live with [4]

Eugene, your essay has a problem with the use adjectives, verbs, connecting terms, and sentence agreements. The grammar problems however, do not affect the message that you try to convey in each paragraph. However, an improvement in the sentence structure of the essay will do wonders for your written work.

The essay itself makes a valid point regarding the pros and cons of living with a person. The real problem, is that your analysis of what makes a good roommate is not properly developed. That is because your paragraphs are too short. Since you only have one or two sentences per paragraph, which by the way, is under the required minimum number of sentences that comprise a paragraph, you are unable to properly explain your reason for the topic statements you have made.

In theory, if you go back and expand upon the topics you are discussing per paragraph, the content, structure, and weaknesses of the essay should be resolved. Although, you will need our help in correcting the incorrect grammar. If you have the time to revise your essay, we have the time to review it again for you.

Scholarship / My parents are my first role models when it comes to the idea of leadership. U of Toronto essay [2]

Hi Jennifer, I congratulate you on choosing to use your parents as the role model for leadership in your essay. Not every young person today opts to admit that they have such admiration for their parents. The fact that you want to be like them in terms of leadership is something that makes this essay special. However, it does have its short-comings.

When you say that your mother and father are the examples of leadership in your life, it stands to reason that you will be presenting at least one each of the leadership traits that your parents individually have. After all it is their combined leadership in your family's restaurant business that made it a success. So my proposal to you is this, represent your parents equally in the essay. As of now, you only speak of the leadership skills of your mother and its relation to your family business. Don't you think your father deserves the same representation in the essay?

If you will consider my suggestion, the format of your essay, which should make it more representative of your claims, should be as follows:
1. Describe the leadership skill you admire in your mother, explain why that is so.
2. Talk about your father's role in the business and what makes him a leader also.
3. Describe how these 2 traits had an impact on you growing up.
4. Present the project you developed and presented to the principal. Make sure it includes references to your parents leadership traits.
5. Conclude the essay.

Scholarship / Networking is one of my personality traits... Applying for first scholarship to Chevening [12]

Malek, this essay is similar to a college definition essay and nothing more. It does not reflect the criteria by which a future Chevening scholar is appraised and judged by the reviewer. It is not enough to merely say that you have a talent for networking and that it is a personality trait of yours. You need to be able to prove those claims. No, simply mentioning the companies you worked for and claiming that it helped you build your network is not sufficient enough to support your claim either.

What can make your essay stronger will be the presentation of supporting evidence along with your claims. Basically, you need to show the reviewer how you developed a network at these offices and how you utilized them for your or your organization's benefit. The ability to network is something important to your application because as an alumna of the foundation, you will be expected to use your network contacts, past, present, and future, to help the other scholarship awardees in the future.

You can create a timeline for the contacts that you made. Explain why it was necessary to create that network, how you fostered it, and how you keep that network contact alive and productive today. Every little idea regarding how you function within a network setting will help to create the strong message that your essay requires.

Scholarship / I was always up to take leadership.... LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION. Chevening Scholarship. [2]

Firuz, there is no sense in mentioning your grandmother in this essay. Her influence upon you and the succeeding discussion about your friends does not have as relationship to your professional abilities to lead. Social leadership is different from professional leadership. In this case, you should present your professional leadership immediately.

There is a lack of inclusive information regarding your college training and how it helped you deal with the crisis at your office. What, in your IT background created an idea in your head that you would be able to lead this team if your volunteered to lead the task? Mention your areas of expertise in relation to work crisis management.

Okay, don't tell the reviewer that you acted as a delivery man for the team while they worked. That is not exactly the kind of motivational and leadership skill that would impress the reviewer. Instead, present some sort of situation where the team wished to give up on seeking a solution to the problem. How did you motivate them to work under stress and how did you lead them to the correct solution when everything seemed hopeless?

The rest of the essay seems to be on track with the rest of the prompt requirements as far as i can tell. So those parts can be edited later on.

Graduate / Having a career plan is crucial to the successful development of any individual. Chevening essay [2]

Amuelle, your career plans should be mentioned in terms of years projected for the achievement and not in your age digits. Keep in mind that the reviewer can't be bothered with minor details such as learning your current age in relation to your plans while he is reviewing your application. In order to clearly represent your career growth, you must mention these in terms of 5 and 10 year plans. Analyze your current plans and group them into groups that fall under the short and long term goals. Then discuss the plans in a similar manner. There is a lack of clarity in your planning at the moment. The information you have is confusing because it jumps from short term to long term then back to short term goals at the moment. That makes your career plan difficult to keep track of and remember. BTW, you don't need to explain the need for a career plan to the reviewer in a single sentence. That is something that he already knows. So don't waste your character count on senseless statements.

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [11]

Aysha, in my opinion, you need to write the essay from scratch based upon the instructions I previously gave you. Like I said, the courses need to be concentrated per university as a discussion. The reason you have to do it this way is because each university that you have chosen has a specific program highlight in their course offerings. It is the highlight course that should be the enticing reason for your choice of college. Not all of the masters programs offer the same benefits to the student. So you need to present the individual reason for your choice of university aside from the standard one year course offering. Each offering has a unique program that should lead you to a heightened career in the future. So think about what direction you want your career to go in and find that assistance in each course.

You don't really need the backgrounder like I said. It takes up too much of the space in the discussion when it is not the purpose or highlight of the prompt. Again, just merge that information with your reasons for having chosen a university. Get creative in how you blend that information with other data in order to create a more relevant and interesting essay.

Scholarship / 'the flexibility and openness to adapt are the keys' - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION [3]

Carlos, you need to be more specific about the leadership skill that you presented in your essay. You claim that your being an agroomist for a period of time resulted in a higher yield of crops for harvesting. Prior to presenting that information, you must give a background of what the harvest amount was previously like. What were the problems related to crop growth and harvesting, and how you decided to approach the problem. The leadership aspect will come from the way that you convinced other farmers to give your ideas a chance by implementing them. The influencing part, will be represented by the change in the mindset that you effected upon the other farmers upon the success of your proposed solution. Relating these information will also help to increase the length of your essay which, at the moment, is too short and does not really accomplish the task of proving your leadership and influencing skills.

Scholarship / To eradicate the wrong thinking that all Muslims are terrorists. LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE essay [7]

Faisel, Your work as a site engineer is the more compelling story to be told in this essay. This is where your professional experience with regards to leadership and influence, is most important. I am sad that you left it for the end of the essay and spent so much time writing an introduction that introduced the concept of leadership as you understood it rather than introducing you as a leader and influential person in the field. Truth be told, this essay would have been better off immediately starting with your self introduction as a site engineer and then immediately following through with a narration of your leadership abilities in relation to the work.

I am puzzled though, by your presentation of your duties and responsibilities at the work site. It sounded more to me like you were a a rank and file employee instead of a leader with duties and responsibilities that matched the work title. Even when I reference your college experience, there as not experience mentioned to warrant the title of leader. Neither was there any incident in both instances that would have required you to act in an influential position.

Do you not have the proper leadership experience to share with Chevening? The scenarios you have presented are quite weak and do not really improve your chances at gaining the scholarship. We need a narrative that shows off your definition of leadership and your leadership skills instead of having you explain the concept to the reader. It is necessary that you show the reviewer how you manage to influence people as well. That was not seen at all in either case either. You seemed to be working as a one person team in college and a mere follower as a professional. You need to strengthen the samples that you will be using in this essay. These just won't make your essay formidable in the eyes of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / It is a well-known fact that in many countries children are hired in paid work. [3]

Hi Maxim, I believe that this could have the potential to gain a band score of 6. It offers a somewhat coherent discussion of the essay and presents appropriate evidence, even though that evidence may not be the most up to date information that could be presented. I did find a number of flaws in your essay though.

Let's take a look at the introduction first. Though you presented both sides of the argument, you did not clearly state your opinion. You sounded off an agreement in the sentence but did not reflect what you were agree to. Was it the pro or the con? When developing your opening statement, keep in mind that you need to clearly indicate your response to the prompt (when required) as a personal opinion as it is an integral part of the essay discussion.

Next, your use of John Rockefeller as an example is good since he founded one of the richest families in America. However, he is too historical for the pop culture crowd. Try to present examples from the current era in order to make a connection with the reader and show that you understand the applications of the prompt to modern times.

Since your opinion was asked for, you should have had an extra paragraph in there that discussed your personal opinion, based upon your personal information or beliefs. The lack of that discussion showed that you did not completely understand the prompt requirements and therefore, affected the final score.

Your conclusion is also flawed as you presented a single thought process as a single sentence when the required paragraph number is 3 -5. Had you managed to follow the instructions more completely, you would have gotten a higher score.

Writing Feedback / The kind of problem people often face when starting to stay abroad - according to age. [3]

Ivan, please allow me to share with you a properly worded version of your essay report for future reference:

The chart provides information about the kinds of problems people face when they move to another country. The problems are presented according to the age of the person who moved away. In a nutshell, the 35-54 year old people face the most problematic challenge. The highest ranked problem for this age group was healthcare. While the least problem for their age was finding a school for their children.

Financial problems represented the greatest problem for the younger generation aged 18-34. The represented 35 % of the money problem. While only 29 % of the 35 - 54 population considered money a problem. On the other hand, the 35-54 age group had healthcare as their biggest and trickiest problem. With only 33 % represented by the age group, this showed that the people over the age of 55 had 31 % of the problems presented to deal with. While the 18 -34 year old people had only 31 % of the problems to resolve. Finally, 29 % of the participants in the survey had a social integration problem.

The least problem for the participants seemed to be finding a school for their children. This was pretty common among the middle aged people. While the 19 year old bracket only represented 6 % of this problem. the oldest people in the group represented only 2 % of the population that faced those surveys.

If you will learn how to collate the information provided into groups that can be discussed fluidly in the report, then you should not have a problem composing the essay anymore.

Scholarship / I always admired the skills of leadership of many people in my country. Chevening Scholarship. [3]

Alvin, while I believe that you have the potential to be a great leader and influential figure in the future, I don't believe that your essay does you justice at this point. Mostly because you are referring to a generic event from college that required only amateur leadership and almost no influencing of your team members on your part. Now, you claim to have professional experience as a leader. Since Chevening deals with the awarding of masters degree scholarships to deserving students, you should be able to refer to more than just simple college experience for this prompt. Most of the applicants will be applying from a position of strength because of their leadership and influencing skills that they gained in the performance of their duties. Therefore, it would be best if you would try to find a point in time during your professional career when you did exactly that. At the moment, your essay is really very weak and doesn't really hold the interest of the leader. Mostly because your leadership skills and influencing ability discussed does not provide an insight into your development as leader and influential person in the community or at work. In fact, the essay sounds more like a college common prompt response more than anything else.

Scholarship / I have always said that architecture is my passion but volunteering has my heart. Applying Chevening [5]

Liseth, you should consider revising your essay to reflect only a single, but highly important activity that you participated in which clearly sets the tone for your ability to lead and influence people. From the way I reviewed your essay, all you did was relay your civic activities which did not necessarily reflect your leadership and influencing role in the organizations. What you should reflect in this essay is an incident that you can recall, as a participant in any event, where you were called upon to lead a group. The essay prompt begs you to display your leadership traits in a manner that the other essays attached to your application did not allow you to do so. I really did not see anything similar to that in this essay. Volunteering your services and time is highly different from leading a group and inspiring them to do their best.

Maybe there was an occasion at the Rotary that you can use for this? Your FIFA experience did not deliver on that requirement either. All of the activities that you presented in this essay show your abilities as a "follower" instead of as a "leader". My advice is for you to go back to the drafting table. This time, try to recall an incident, no matter how minor, that you can develop into an act of leadership and influencing on your part. That is the only way to get this essay to respond properly to the prompt.

Undergraduate / A personal and National Triumph [8]

If this is the format that you are comfortable using, then this is what we shall use Juanita. I mean, I am only here to make suggestions. The final format and content of the essay is something that you will have to determine for yourself. So all I will do not is edit the paragraphs for you.

While most of THE Colombians complain ...
... day of ABOUT the political ...
... I decided to step out of the usual NORM and do something for the place I´ve grown GREW up in.
... political party REPRESENTATIVES speaking with TO the people...
... questionS they had ...
... In order to accomplish it THIS... volunteer called NAMED Felix gave us ...

Without thinking it twice, we called ...
... we went exactly where RETURNED TO WHERE we had been the day before...
... Our job was collecting TO COLLECT signatures to support...
... claim of REGARDING THE unconstitutionality of the "Peace Legislative Act"...
... would have given GIVE president Santos the exact same special powers ...
... but because THE government has spent an unimaginable amount of money...
... in order to convince society of TO supporting the peace treaty...
... A treaty that is described by Mary Anastasia O´Grady as a "trap".

Since June 4th , ...
...to discuss about the controversial issues that have happened during the week, as well as we have HAVING meetings...
...former president itself HIMSELF or senators...
... but surely not because ... as most of teenagers...
... Saturday being a better person t...

... THE C campaign which was based ... on explaining TO all sectors of society
...half prior TO the voting day, IS THE reason why I had to read it deeply in 3 days...
... had never felt more secure CONFIDENT of myself.
I can´t completely explain how this THESE 5 months made me grow as a person...
... I had become asecure SELF - CONFIDENT and strong young woman...

By now, whoever is reading this essay YOU might be asking himself YOURSELF why anyone would oppose to peace.
... peace when the cocaine production has doubled in OVER the past 6 years...
...conversations are been hosted in Cuba ...
... guerrillaS. ... weapons are left SET aside are AND victims are economically repaired RESTORED. ...

I made a slight revision to the closing paragraph to make it more attuned with the rest of the essay:
As my best friend and I stood in front of the television screen display at a local store, we saw the results of the October 2 plebiscite. We could not help but celebrate and scream, "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

I hope these revisions and suggestions work for you.

Undergraduate / A personal and National Triumph [8]

Hey Juanita, we can definitely help you further improve the grammar of the essay, but first you need to make sure that the revisions are applied to your work and that there are no other changes to be made to the content of the essay. The word count of the essay is important, but not as important as the information that you have placed in it. Once you have completed the revisions and posted the new version of the essay, we can have a better idea regarding the parts that can be improved or edited to make the paper quicker to read and yet, still interesting to the reviewer. At the moment, I can't do anything for you. I can only jump in after you have done your part in terms of reformatting the content of the essay.

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [11]

Aysha, I will have to tell you that the essay has an overly long introduction when it does not need to be. The reviewer is not interest in your background on an individual basis. This prompt requires you to discuss only the 3 university programs that you are interested in. This is the main reason that your essay is running over the word limit. As a rule, you should only present the immediate requirement of the prompt. Don't try to tell you academic biography when it is not required. Now, I understand that you believe the opening you made is perfect. But it runs 2 paragraphs long and the actual discussion of importance, was presented in a single paragraph. That is absolutely the wrong format for this essay.

I apologize for saying this but you will have to go back and write a new essay in the following format, which is the correct format for this essay:

Par. 1 - Simple introduction, no more than 8 sentences. Just mention the common factors that led to your choice of these 3 schools.
Par. 2-4 - University, name of the course, academic or professional experience related to your interest, how does the university program relate to your future plans. You may also discuss some, but not a comprehensive history of your academic background. Just discuss your academics that relate directly to your course choice. A mere mention of the highlights of your academic career should suffice. That experience should be spread out through the 3 schools. Remember, you should compare the 3 programs based upon your academic ability and professional experience.

Par. 5 - Conclusion

The concentration of your essay must be on the universities you have chosen. Not a justification of your background. Your only justification, should relate to the course you have chosen and how your work or academic experience shows this course of study as a progression for your career. BTW, double check the universities you were discussing, you only under developed a discussion of 2 out of the 3 universities.

I must apologize for asking you to do this. I know that you feel your essay is almost ready for submission. But you can't submit it in this current form. You need to follow the format of the prompt and stick only to the requirements you were given. That is because all the other information you are providing at the beginning of your current essay can already be read by the reviewer in your other application essays and documents submitted. Avoid redundancy at all cost. Stick to the instructions.

Undergraduate / A personal and National Triumph [8]

HI Juanita, sorry about that. I did not realize that I did it. Let me post the corrected version here:

Par. 1: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country ...
Par. 2: Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". ...
Par. 3: Why anyone would oppose to peace?
Par .4: After we were done collecting signatures...
Par. 5: "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

The answer to your question is yes, your grammar throughout the essay is acceptable. That said, I would be remiss if I did not tell you that the essay can use some editing. Some paragraphs are longer than it should be at this point but I refrained from editing the length because you did not indicate that you needed that to be done. Yes again, your story definitely shows a transition from childhood to adulthood. In fact, it happened during a notable time in your country's history and you were instrumental in making it happen. So that will definitely work in your favor with the reviewer once he reads this paper.

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [11]

Hi Aysha, as I can see from the existing thread, there have been some revisions suggested to you. Have you applied the changes? If you have done so, please post your latest essay version in this thread so we can continue to work on it. In answer to your question, it is extremely important that you stick to the word count because of 2 reasons:

1. It shows your ability to follow simple instructions;
2. If you are going to post this in an application box on the university website, your essay will be cut midstream because the box is designed to accommodate a specific word count. It could render your application useless.

Please post the essay at your convenience, we will do our best to help you edit the content in order to meet the word requirement.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Yes, I do believe that removing those portions will help your essay. However, I have a concern regarding the first paragraph section that you wish to remove. It seems like it will affect the message of the essay. So, rather than deleting the whole portion, why not try to revise it instead? My suggestion is as follows:

... Society of Sudanese Petroleum Engineers (SSPE). In hindsight, this THIS experience inspired me to (...) in the university ALONGSIDE MY WORK FOR and SSPE even though its steep learning curve seemed daunting at first. THIS IS WHERE I LEARNED TO USE TWO NETWORKS FOR THEIR INDIVIDUAL BENEFITS AND SUCCESS. No different from any other social network, I learned to make, ...

I caught some other parts in the final paragraph that can use some editing:

Lastly, as AS a Chevener, I will actively participate (...) among the United Kingdom CHEVENING SCHOLARS, alumni and INTERNATIONAL scholars, utilizing support from impact-full IMPACTFUL Chevening alumni network and mine MY PERSONAL NETWORK.

Would you like me to review your essay after you edit it? I will gladly help you out.

Writing Feedback / Being abroad people become most concerned to all life problems [5]

...information of REGARDING the d... when stayING in abroad based...
...the people includes economic plans, ...
...educationAL plans for child CHILDREN have been occurred on OCCURRING AMONG the young adults periods . Whereas the most THE BIGGEST problem such as INVOLVING education plans have been ARE the...

...to people in 55 years...

The other side, ON THE OTHER HAND,
... financial and healthcare necessity NECESSITIES have been the A higher ...
... educationAL plans for the young adults periods between ...
...ages, the people becomes ARE most concerned to all of the problem life OF PROBLEMS THAT includes the priorities of economical ...
life concernS and education ...
Based on the data, the healthcare concern has been HAD AN upward trends in over people life time
since AMONG young adults until AND THE elderly periods by 25 ...
... At least AND LAST, these problems could been increasedfor healthcare...
... priority and had been decreased for HAS BEEN DECREASING DUE TO finance FINANCIAL concern...
... also educationAL plans for childREN in the AMONG THOSE 55 years old or above.

Writing Feedback / Sort of problems people have when they move into the other countries, according to ages [4]

... about THE sort of problems ...
they move in to the other countries.
THE CHART LISTS THE NUMBERS according to ages.
...problem is for IS RELATED TO finding the best health care ...
... in those countries FOR THE in 35-54 years old people.

... of people aged 35-54 are having HAVE A problem on looking for finances...
while those in THE 18-34 age group finds it easier which is AT under 35 percent.
... in over 55 years old show ...
... 30 percent of them find the finances as a problem

Sorting ACQUIRING of medical care for MIDDLE AGED people in the middle age ...
... which AT is above 36 percent. The older people find the THAT health care is more difficult TO ACQUIRE...
...youngest people which is AT above 35 percent.
...people has HAVE the lowest percentage than others which is AT under 35 percent.

Looking FOR A school for the children become IS the most difficulties for the productive ages which is under 20 ... ... People who have ARE 18-34 years old sort the school as a problem in 6 percent REPRESENT 6 PERCENT OF THIS PROBLEM.

...have difficulties to find the school IN FINDING SCHOOLS for children which is AT above 2 percent.

Writing Feedback / About a time you learned a valuable lesson. Describe what happened and what the lesson was. [3]

An, your essay is very difficult to read because the grammar is not good at all. It makes the reader anxious while reading it because your expression is not being expressed in an understandable manner. This essay really needs a lot of work so let me help you by rewriting this essay for you. After I rewrite it, do not change anything. Just use the version I will be giving you. That is the best way to clean up your work at this point.

When I first arrived in the United States, I knew that I would have to drive a car in order to get around my community. However, I did not realize that there weere such strict rules in driving in the U.S.. So, what I thought would be a simple process of just getting behind the wheel and stepping on the gas then off I would be to my destinantion was incorrect. Turns out, I needed more preparation than just a willingness to drive before I could really get behind the wheel.

My cousin, who had much faith in my potential to become a good driver, tried to help me learn the rules of the road before I took the written test for a student permit. While my other family members passed the test, I failed. My mother, trying to help me feel better after my failure told me that I mustn't give up because I would eventually succeed. She was right After a week, I retook and passed the test.

Admittedly, my cousin lost his faith in me because I failed to pass the test my first time out. So he was very anxious when we started my driving lesson. He kept on yelling at me instead of instructing me. He scared me during our lessons so I did not do a good job the first few times. As soon as I got comfortable behind the wheel though, driving came almost naturally to me. My cousin was convinced I was going to fail the practical test because of his little faith in me, even when I showed him improvement. So, when I took the practical driving test and I passed on my first try, he was surprised. Yet, it somehow restored his faith in me.

So, what was the lesson that I learned from my travails as a new driver? Don't let the lessons stress you out. If you want to succeed at something, you have to do it at your own pace. More importantly, it is important for me to keep believing and having faith in myself when everyone else around me has lost confidence in me. I will succeed as long as I believe in my abilities. The opinion of others, specially when it is negative, shouldn't matter to me.

Writing Feedback / I don't know how to add more depth into my essay! Help me. [3]

Hi Faith. by coming to use for help, you are showing a desire to develop the best essay that you can submit to your teacher. So, you were provided with the prompt and you have already written your response to it. Why didn't you post the essay here along with your plea for help? We can help you better once you have uploaded your essay to this thread. Don't start a new one, just upload the essay after my response to you. After you do that, we can analyze it for content and use the prompt as a guide in studying you work. It is only then that we can offer solid advice as to how to further improve the content of your response. We will be waiting for the essay because we are eager to help you out.

Undergraduate / My homosexuality - Overcoming adversity and embracing individualism - common app essay [4]

Kush, go ahead and write the essay even if it goes over the limit. I can always help you edit it for content and word count compliance once the information is already complete in the essay. As a far as application essays go, expect to always go over the word limit during the first few drafts. It will eventually shorten itself as you go through the editing process.

I believe that you can insert the information about your mother in the following area:
Then sophomore year ended.

Since that is only a single line, it doesn't really say much or do much in terms of moving the essay forward. However, if you add information at this point about your relationship with your mother, it comes immediately after her facial expression made you feel like a failure in her eyes. So the events that happened after you came out to her will be perfectly positioned to help transition into the next paragraph relating to the acceptance of the people you work with.

Just add the information as needed at this point. Then review the essay and see if you can find points that you can edit, revise to shorten, or simply delete in order to meet the word count. If you have a problem with the editing, you know I'm always here to help :-)