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Posts by chizy7
Name: Chizaram Chibueze
Joined: Oct 17, 2016		 Last Post: Aug 4, 2018
Threads: 6
Posts: 51  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 57 / page 1 of 2
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chizy7   
Aug 4, 2018
Undergraduate / Georgia Tech Personal Essay (Why I chose Georgia Tech) [3]

Hello Justin, I like your essay but it can be much better than this. Change your choice of words when describing how the chemical reactions fascinated you. The part where you stated your aunts condition brings a personal touch and reason as to the passion you have for chemistry. Try to connect it with your initial attraction to chemistry and make a more solid point.

A lot of universities have chemistry courses, so amend that part to properly describe what you saw in Georgia tech that picked your interest.

I guess there is word limit? So try to eliminate and avoid unnecessary details to better deliver a valid response.
chizy7   
Aug 2, 2017
Undergraduate / UFC Application Question on activities and Essay on my interest in UCF [5]

Hi, while describing one of your extra curricular activity, also include what you learnt from it, like saying that volunteering made you develop a work ethic like being on time and so on. Don't just describe it or what you did but also how it affected you.

As for why you chose UCF, I think it's okay (even though you didn't list academic interests as a primary reason). Since you chose it for the campus setting and school spirit, make it sound more genuine as a reason.

I wish you good luck on your application
chizy7   
Jun 20, 2017
Undergraduate / SCAD Statement of Purpose for B.F.A. Visual Effects [4]

Hi Christina, I agree with Holt. You are gonna have to start all over again. This is a statement of purpose and not a personal interview about your life. Focus your essay more on what you plan to pursue 'visual design' and what you plan to do with that degree and if you have plans to get a masters, write about that in just a few words. Direct your essay more on getting the knowledge to develop as a visual artist doing a valued work rather than just getting a degree to get a comfortable job.

I look forward to reading your revised portion.
chizy7   
Jun 14, 2017
Letters / Im still here if you want to know me - Stanford roommate essay [4]

Your first paragraph got me confused when I read it and then the second paragraph because your first paragraph seems like you already know and live with your room mate while the rest states otherwise.

If the essay is about you meeting your room mate and introducing yourself for the first time, you can start by saying you are Nigerian(like Holt suggested). The part where you wrote about buying a camera to capture moments with your room mate, it's really nice and I think that has a deep connection and sends a message that you are not just room mates but friends.

You can also write about your reading habits/style or if you are a morning person and so on. I think that's the first things your room mate will notice when living with you .
chizy7   
Jun 7, 2017
Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master of Strategic Communication for University of Canberra [4]

Hi Francesca, your essay contains a lot of unwanted details especially the first part. I will just be straight here. You are not writing a book about yourself, you are writing a statement of purpose. The fewer the words, the more comfortable it will feel to read and the relevant the words, the more interesting it will be. I hope to read your revised version.
chizy7   
May 25, 2017
Scholarship / A decent aspirant to obtain a scholarship prize [3]

Hello Ciara, I read your essay but I don't think it's good enough. I didn't feel any connection or drive to know more or do more. It all sounded like you were listing points. Let out your emotions on your essay, make the readers to imagine being in your shoes.

Consider going in this direction: what living the hard life has taught you, like you mentioned working full time (did that make you to 've diligent, punctual or develop a team spirit or be determined. Tailor that determination to your education and how you want to go back to school to reach your fullest potential.

Make your essay a bit inspiring: Like how you got through some stages irrespective of challenges.
chizy7   
Apr 10, 2017
Undergraduate / "A plethora of opportunities"- Waitlist Essay for UC Davis [3]

Hi Amanda, it's a great opportunity that you have been waitlisted rather than rejected, so it's a 50/50 chance and it's going to be a great idea for you to focus your essay on certain elements to increase your chance of acceptance.

They want to see that you are really and still interested in attending their school.

I like the first part of your essay, it includes a personal connection and genuine interest in their school. Also enhance the second paragraph that way and you are good to go. It's a limited word count, so make the best of it
chizy7   
Apr 8, 2017
Scholarship / How your training at Stanford will impact the economical growth of Africa? [4]

Hello, this is not what Stanford asked you. You wasted your word count writing about Benin and how you grew up there. Your essay includes a lot of unnecessary details.

To produce the best essay, write with this guideline WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL BE TRAINING FOR AT STANFORD AND THEN LINK THAT TO HOW YOU WILL DEVELOP AFRICA,ECONOMICALLY

You have to pay attention to the essay prompt and follow it. The purpose of this essay is for Stanford to learn how you will give back to your community after training with them. See the prompt as, why should we give you a place at Stanford and how will you represent us in your community?

I believe you have a word limit so use it wisely and produce a good essay.
chizy7   
Mar 26, 2017
Undergraduate / Physics major/ fitting with my interests/ my contribution; Why Columbia? [3]

It will web together my interests......., I think that's from where made sense to me. The other part of the essay does not really connect to the prompt. I don't think it's best for you to mention other institutions when writing an essay about a particular institution. Revise your essay and make sure it addresses the prompt and it should be exclusively about Columbia and also why. If it's about their Physics program that fascinated you, write about it.if it's about how Columbia accepts students respective of their background (like you wrote) write that too.

I just re-read my review and I meant irrespective and not respective

Nice essay. Good luck with your application
chizy7   
Mar 26, 2017
Graduate / Urban Design - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR GRADUATE APPLICATION FOR MASTERS [3]

Thanks Mary. I am not the graduate applicant. I am just helping some people out with their graduate application-pro bono.

Thanks so much for your quick feedback. The applicant will correct the essay and he used Bangalore to give an example, he does not live in Asia. To make it more personal to the connection and motivation to study urban design;I guess you will suggest he uses a town in his country?

I wish the applicant can be here on EF.

Thanks for your feedback, it's really helpful
chizy7   
Mar 26, 2017
Graduate / Urban Design - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR GRADUATE APPLICATION FOR MASTERS [3]

Hi everyone, please help me and review this personal statement and give me feedback based the statement and grammar usage. Your suggestions will be gladly accepted.

There is no word limit but I tried to keep it concise and straight to the point.

Urban Design Degree



I have always loved travelling and reading about other cultures since I was a little boy. I have read books about people and places, watched people who live all over the world on television and admired their diverse environments, way of life, and their values. From what I watched and learnt about people who live in diverse worlds, I noticed that most cities like New York City were well planned and structured, while other cities like Bangalore are unplanned and mostly slums. From my perspective, a social divide exists between the planned and unplanned cities where the rich and top middle-class live in planned cities and the poor live in unplanned cities with lots of environmental pollution as if they are undeserved to live on this planet. This influenced me to study urban and regional planning (URP). I will like to pursue a graduate degree in urban design at ******. This opportunity will equip me with the tools to close the social divide between these two classes of cities. I want to plan the unplanned and neglected cities/slums to make the lives of these neglected people better and also to improve our environment.

I carried out a research project on the roles of local government in rural socio-economic development during my undergraduate program and I was able to proffer solutions to the problems of diversity in socio-economic development within rural areas by the local government. Pursuing this degree at **** will expand my horizon and give me opportunities to study other cities and the problems they face, in terms of socio-economic importance, clean and conducive environment, and clean energy.

Humans have a lot of influence on the world, and without adequate planning, we will live in a world where we will face different problems like: polluted environment, traffic congestion-which will cause an increase in air pollution, environmental degradation, increased crime rate and it will also widen the gap between the social class.

My plan is to complete a Masters degree in urban design, work and advocate for clean, conducive and planned environments. I want to see a world where Asia, Africa, Europe, America and so on will be properly and adequately planned. It will be a plus to our society if urban planning will be added to our primary school and high school curriculum. With proper and adequate planning of our environment and cities, we will be equipped with tools to live in a creative, well structured, safe and healthy world.
chizy7   
Mar 10, 2017
Graduate / RESUME FOR GRADUATE ADMISSION (without prompt) [2]

Hi guys? I have someone I am helping through his graduate application and unfortunately he can't be on EF. I have not reviewed a resume for graduate application before so this is the format I gave him. Help me with the review. Thanks

It's just a resume no prompt. Resume for graduate application.

[Applicant's name]
[Address]
[Phone number]
[Email id]

EDUCATION:


My high school education background started when I finished my primary school, which took me six years. In order to further my education I took an entrance examination into ***secondary school and I got in on merit because I was an excellent student. I spent three years in ***, where I achieved my junior WAEC certificate exams to proceed to the senior secondary school. I took an entrance examination into *** and I was admitted. I spent another 3 years in *** to achieve my senior WAEC certificate considering the time factor, I have spent 6 years in my high school education. I further my education by applying to a university and got admitted to study Urban and Regional Planning in *** university for 5 years (from 2011 - 2016). I now have a bachelors degree in Urban and Regional Planning.

RESEARCH:


In terms of research, I have been a guru since i started my course(urp) in the university. During my undergraduate study, I carried out research based on my studio project every semester which I always defended towards the end of the semester. Most of the research I carried out as an undergraduate were urban renewal, transportation study, integrated regional development plan, master plan design, mechanic village design and also my final year project dissertation, which is the roles of local government in rural socio-economic development.

RELATED EXPERIENCE:


During my six months industrial training as an undergraduate, I gained lots of experience that will contribute to make me perform well in my profession because I learnt how to handle office and field affairs like site inspection and so on. I had the experience of becoming a team leader in carrying out various projects and that developed in me a spirit of team work, to work as a team and achieve a common goal.

LEADERSHIP:


Leadership has been a thing of my tender age, starting from primary school where I was the assistant class prefect and also up to the university level I was elected as the Public Relation Officer (PRO) in my 3rd year and as a Financial Secretary in my 4th year. I carried out all my duties properly with the mindset of carrying everyone along .

VOLUNTEER WORK:


As a humble and dedicated person, I have volunteered severally but to mention a few, when I was an undergraduate I organised free tutorials for the juniors in my department during my free time and also as a graduate I am assisting my departmental HOD in various academic tasks.

SKILLS/PROGRAMS:


I am skillful naturally. I have the skill of making foot wears like sandals. I have learnt various computer programmes like Ms word, autocad, archicad, Ms power point and I am now proficient. I am also looking forward to acquire more skills within and outside my field of concentration.
chizy7   
Feb 16, 2017
Scholarship / TSU -- Scholarship essay about my achievements, interests, and my goals. [5]

Jorden you have written a good essay and I think it's good at this point. I am still trying to understand your first paragraph (the ending part) where after listing your achievements, you wrote about hoping for to make it in soft ball. I think you should not include that. I have to read your first paragraph over again to understand exactly that part. But so far I think your essay is good and okay for the prompt.

I will get back to you if I see a problem that requires change after reviewing your essay again.
chizy7   
Feb 12, 2017
Undergraduate / Alzheimer's unit. Guidance needed in editing peace corps motivation statement [6]

Hi Mimi, I don't think this is the best essay for what you are applying for. I have not seen any valid reason why you want to join the peace corps and how you will overcome the challenges that will present itself. You just used your word count writing about your experience abroad which does not in anyway reflect or agree with the essay. I must say that the only valid part of your essay I paid much attention to read is the part where you wrote about communication and how you listened to the people you met abroad, but for that paragraph to work well, include that as challenges you will overcome and don't forget the how.

Revise your essay and focus on why you want to join the peace corps and let it be solid and also dont forget how you will overcome the challenges ahead. Think it through and write something solid. I hope to read that soon. Once we have your essay in the right direction we will then work on your grammar.
chizy7   
Feb 1, 2017
Essays / Proposed research: ELEMENTS THAT DECREASES UNWANTED PREGNANCIES IN RURAL AREAS [8]

Hello Gift, Holt did a perfect work reviewing the essay you wrote. But this forum is based on making you a better writer more than making your essay better. I believe there is an interview process? And if EF members write your essay for you and you get stuck during the interview trying to reflect on something you did not write, that will be bad for your scholarship.

If you did not get Holts point, let me break it down for you: I believe that when you graduated you did a project and since you are in the public health sector you probably have or sometime read the statistics about the different health issues in Nigeria? You can use that and say: in Nigeria 2,000 suffer from ______ and this is what I will do to bring down the number. I will start by providing adequate health facilities for people living in the rural areas where __________ is endemic.

That is exactly what Holt suggested: this is the problem + this will be my solution for it. I hope that's what you meant Holt?

Follow Holts format and you will produce a better response. Don't rush it, your first or second essay musn't be the one you will submit, write and write and edit and edit till you produce a better response
chizy7   
Jan 28, 2017
Scholarship / My future perspective and why I deserve the scholarship [7]

Your essay is much better than the first one you opened with Google and their work ethics. I think Holt has covered it all-produce a much better response with your tenses and grammar in mind.
chizy7   
Jan 23, 2017
Essays / An essay based on your community involvement, contribution to school life and plans for the future [3]

Plans for the future according to the essay prompt is like asking you this question: where do you see yourself in 5/10 years or what do you want to do with your life? I suggest your plans for your future should extend beyond what you want to do in college. So you can write about what you want to do after college. That's how I see the prompt.

Your plans for the future can include what you want to study but it should be more of ' you want to study A and after studying A, you probably might want to get a PhD,start a company or ....'

Don't just write that you were a school prefect and also volunteered. What did you contribute to your school as a prefect and also a volunteer. It will pack more a punch if you write about why you volunteered before writing about the impact you made through volunteering.
chizy7   
Jan 22, 2017
Graduate / The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only. [11]

Though you did not include the complete prompt to your essay, I still read it and from what I understood from this 'setback/opportunity/challenge', your essay does not reflect that. Still on my understanding of the incomplete prompt, I think your essay should reflect in this manner: when you experienced a setback, saw an opportunity and you grabbed that opportunity to challenge yourself irrespective of that setback.

Do provide the complete prompt so we can help you better with your essay.
chizy7   
Jan 22, 2017
Undergraduate / A letter on the reasons why I need a scholarship [3]

Hello Eyitemi, it is really a great idea that you want to go to college and give back to your community. Your letter only answered the prompt from your first paragraph or rather your second paragraph where you said you want to go to college to improve intellectually.

The rest of your letter are all stories and not reasons. Though your stories are touching, you are not asked to give an account of your life. So give the scholarship selection team reasons why they should finance your education. You have to exclude the part where you wrote about prostitution and try to keep your essay focused on reasons like: instead of just writing about how your parents wanted to marry you off at 13, link that to how you stood up for yourself and managed to go to school and how the generosity of the scholarship will help you through college because you value education and want to have equal opportunities irrespective of your background. Also in the paragraph where you wrote about your mom being sick and how you have to think ahead for the family, develop that to be more appropriate like: you want to be educated so you can go back to your community and help the kids there who are facing the problem you face today get an education.

So Eyitemi you have to really give them a reason why you want to attend college. You know the reason, not me. I have just given suggestions above because I managed to transform some of your paragraphs to what I feel it directs to.

If you want to go to college to get more education, tell them that. If you want to go to college to improve your experiences and meet people or research on projects, let them know.

One last thing: Yours Sincerely.
Jalogho Eyitemi
it shouldn't end with a full stop rather use a comma and I will also recommend this format:

Sincerely,
Jalogho Eyitemi

Work on your letter then we will look at the grammer.
chizy7   
Jan 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Are the real teachers replaceable? [4]

Hello Vo, this is an argumentative essay and you should stick to one side;you either agree or disagree. At some point you agreed and at another point you disagreed. You can't take both sides rather you stick to your opinion. The points you have listed are not strong enough. Pick one side and make a strong argument.
chizy7   
Jan 9, 2017
Undergraduate / University of Delaware Essays; me as a student, being treated unfairly, great accomplishment [3]

Hello Nick, the rules here on EF is one essay per thread. So I will just be providing a response for only your first essay. The others should be on seperate threads.

MY REVIEW: From the prompt they want you to write about university of Delaware weather you have visited the campus before or not so it's okay if you write with the information you learnt about UDelaware online.

It's a 200 essay word limit and you should use it wisely. The prompt is strictly all about UDelaware and you writing about your high school experience will really make the reviewer toss your essay in the trash. The prompt is not asking you to relate to a past experience but what you will like to do while in University of Delaware. So to produce a much better response, write about academics and extra curricular interests.

Towards the end of your essay, I was relieved you have finally decided to address the prompt but I just got dissapointed because " Also, I would have to stretch when I have my own personal schedule and prioritize myself throughout college. I at first it would be hard but in time I would be more comfortable where I am."

What you did was just to repeat the essay prompt.

Rewrite your essay and please don't write about your past experiences but what you expect to make you happy or interest you while studying at University of Delaware.

NB: THE REST OF YOUR ESSAYS SHOULD BE ON SEPERATE THREADS
chizy7   
Jan 7, 2017
Graduate / Nigerian activities and overview. Motivation letter for masters in Telecommunications Engineering [5]

Hi Cyril, just like Holt has stated, this is not a motivational letter. It sounds like a debate where you are just opposing the problems you listed. The essay should be more of: this motivated me to do this. It sounds like promises, make it real, be real. And remember to be brief and straight to the point cause I got lost and tired of reading and most of all I didn't see a motivatedwriter rather I saw a concerned individual laying complaints and waiting for me to offer solutions. You have a great content (power,network/internet access is really a big issue in Nigeria). Develop your essay very well and you will have a better outcome. I hope to read your revisied essay.
chizy7   
Dec 30, 2016
Undergraduate / PRACTICAL PHYSICS. This is my Yale essay I was wondering if the first sentence was a catchy one [5]

Your first paragraph sounds like you are giving a physics lecture and asking your students questions. What fascinated you, was it the pendulum? And you cannot say that plotting a graph is exciting to you. Let me try to create an illustration: the first time I went into the chemistry lab, wearing my lab coat and preparing for practical, I can't say that my excitement was going into the lab for the first time (though I was excited going into the lab for the first time but I can't say I learnt anything just walking into the lab), there was excitement when I walked into the lab in my lab coat but the real and genuine excitement was when I started mixing all those chemicals learning that: Blue litmus paper turns red under acidic conditions and red litmus paper turns blue under basic or alkaline conditions, with the color change occurring over the pH range 4.5-8.3 at 25 °C (77 °F). Neutral litmus paper is purple. Litmus can also be prepared as an aqueous solution that functions similarly.

So if I am to write with this prompt, my genuine excitement was mixing the chemicals cause I also saw a practical demonstration of what I always read in books and I also learnt more in the lab.

So approach your essay in this manner describing what that real excitement and true learning was rather than giving the reviewer a lecture on simple harmonic motion.
chizy7   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

Hi Alenandro, UPENN is really a great school and specifically Wharton is really a school I will recommend to anybody (I applied to Wharton too).

What's great about PENN is how it has all schools located in one campus, center city Philadelphia. Your essay is not really organized. You wrote about your minor too (that's great) but I think you should take a look at the course schedule for both your prospective major and minor so that you will know how to link them together. Since they allow you to pick up to three majors while filling your application, I think it's best you give a brief rundown about the other two (that's if you like) but most importantly stress more on your top proposed major (writing about it throughout the essay) explaining how Wharton will help you to realise that goal.

I hope you know that all Wharton students graduate with a Bachelor's in Economics but the difference is just the concentrations as they call it:finance,business economics and public policy,real estate, marketing etc. Most concentrations allows you to have a double concentration.

You can develop your 5th paragraph much better by naming the opportunities you think will suit you in Wharton, like: ability to research even in your first year, their leadership 100 which gears Wharton students to prepare for leadership, and so on.

Revise your essay and organise it. Make proper research about Wharton from their website and finance website since that's what your are interested in and also check out their YouTube channel (these are great ways you can learn about Wharton since you have not visited their campus). I believe this will help you to organise your essay and write with a sure voice.
chizy7   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [11]

Hi Tim, provide the full essay prompt. I know the prompt is about the lesson you learnt from failure (common app) but you have to provide the full prompt so everyone here on EF will know what they are reviewing
chizy7   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Why you have applied or expressed interest in a particular campus, school, college, program... [4]

Don't relate much to a friend of yours who encouraged you to apply. If you want to relate to that, state what she told you about NYU that really caught your attention.

I guess you wanted to apply to other NYU campuses outside Abu Dhabi? State why your parents didn't want that and why you now got interested to apply to NYUAD other than the other NYU campuses.

Write about the college and program you are applying to and why you are attracted to pursue such program at NYU. Please Change your last paragraph cause it sounds like you are limiting the opportunities you will be offered at NYU. I have met admission officers from all NYU campuses and had the opportunity to talk with them and I know they believe they are launching students who will make history, become confident dynamic global leaders, bring interesting and remarkable experiences, who will utilise every opportunity available at NYU and that's why they have a global network in Abu Dhabi, New York,Shanghai,Italy etc. That's why some majors take a semester in Abu Dhabi and another semester or internship at another NYU network locations.

So present your essay and show them that you are ready to be at NYU to utilise all these amazing opportunities and not an essay showing them how you just want to attend school (be close to home), graduate, and get a job. Show them someone who is ready to make history
chizy7   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / The cues of the Yoruba, Igbo and the western culture. MIT Cultural Background Essay [6]

Hi Davidson, you schooled in Ikoyi?

Holt has really helped you with making these changes and it has led you to produce a better essay. I am Igbo too. It's really an important detail to write about the New Yam festival (I love that)-bringing in a known tradition of the Igbo people.

Since you grew up in Lagos, maybe you can also relate to a tradition of the Yorubas if the word count permits but if you will like to continue writing about the food which I think is much better since traditions, ways of dressing and food are important/distinctive elements of culture. Don't say we enjoy eating food like ... because to mean it sounds like we enjoy eating foods that does not belong to us. Rather start that sentence with how we love our food and take a great deal of time to prepare our food and how we so much love to present the final product rather than present the process and final product.
chizy7   
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Duke? To be part of the next generation of global leaders and technological innovators [7]

Hi Mubarak, you school in Lekki?

To get your essay below the word limit you will have to eliminate some sentences and for others try to find a word that will explain exactly in a concise form what you really mean.

Like on your second paragraph you can begin by writing: I love the fact that I can explore various courses of interest at Duke while I major in computer science. That gives your first sentence a 19 word count instead of 40(as you have above).

Writing about their national ranking is an unnecessary detail instead approach it like this: I am interested in Duke because of the amazing research opportunities available to undergraduates.

I can't revise your essay for you because we have to keep your voice in the essay. Use my suggested approach above to cut down on words and let your essay appear with a sure voice and not seem to appear like listing bullet points.

I hope to read your revised response.
P.S. I guess you are already close to the deadline for submitting your application? Don't get caught up with the frenzy. I advice you to submit your application at least 5days to deadline in case you have problems submitting, there will be enough time to rectify that.
chizy7   
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / The vast array of research opportunities and many other things that makes Hamilton special for me [6]

Hi Abdullah, I have read your essay but I can't tell how Hamilton is a place you can thrive.

You began with writing about diversity (which I guess was the first thing that appealed to you when you first looked at Hamilton). You can relate how teaming up and working with people from diverse backgrounds and interests will give you a global perspective. And of course diverse extracurriculars which I suppose will give you an opportunity to learn about other cultures, the kind of interests others are interested in which might interest you to explore and so forth.

I suppose you are applying to study computer science? So writing about what made their computer science program distinctive to you and how that program will help you to thrive.
chizy7   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / 'There is no point in going to college.' Why UChicago - Purpose of education [3]

Hi Angela, I have not read your essay because you are way over the word limit (instead of 250 you indicated that you are at 520). I advice you to be as succinct as you can, going over the word limit indicates that you don't listen to instructions and that's the impressions the admissions board will get.

Why they give word limits is because they want to see how creative and constructive you can be with your response. So my advice is that you stay below the word limit.

If you have problem eliminating unwanted details, we are here to help you with that. If that's what you want do let us know.
chizy7   
Dec 26, 2016
Graduate / Imperial College "Concrete Structures" Personal Statement [6]

As far as personal statement is concerned, from what I read and feel, it's in line. You have described a significant experience and you have quite well demonstrated skills you posses while in a position of leadership.

Be more specific about your long-term plan and what you are looking to achieve and just re-read your essay to correct a few errors like your lecturer who is an imperial college alumni and not which is also
chizy7   
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Hi Nanda I love your essay. Just to add a little bit to what Holt suggested Show the extra curricular side of your personality only if possible. Rather than offering to be a tutor, you could instead just say that you are looking forward to a cultural exchange whenever you share a meal or enjoy walking in the campus on a cool night, or something like that.

Your future roommate might not be interested to engage in any academic interests so don't assume such. Don't offer to tutor him rather write how you will be there to support him and I think that will cover all the support he will need from you both academic and non-academic like you can suggest you celebrate important events together.

In as much as the essay is directed to the admissions committee but you can never tell they may also add that to your housing preferences (when you will be applying for such). As Holt noted, your essay should reflect your own voice. If you are funny be funny, if you are not don't try. Be authentic.

Nice response once more and happy holidays.

@Holt Happy Holidays!
chizy7   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / I believe that diligence and hard-working is vital. [5]

Hi Desinlim, you have just listed your values like bullet points. The prompt is designed for the admissions comitte to get to know you personally and not just your academics. After reading your essay I didn't feel like I know the kind of person you are rather it gives me a bullet point about you and not a description about you.

You should be more descriptive rather than listing out points. Like where you wrote about giving your opinion at family meetings I feel does not show that you care. Has has your opinion show that you care about your family and what do you contribute (probably something practical) to show how much you care about them. This is also a very strong point as it shows your concern towards others (please extend that point to other people who are it your family as well).

Just be more descriptive so that I will feel like I know you personally after reading your essay.
chizy7   
Dec 23, 2016
Undergraduate / "With great power, comes great responsibility" - essay for college [6]

Hi Shuprova, your essay is just boring and doesn't really sound like an achievement. I think you should lay out exactly one thing your team mates disagreed on.like maybe they were not interested in science and was not motivated to submit the best work.

And just telling them how the certificate can help them out in college applications does not really sound so strong. Maybe you should relate to the experience as well like you wrote they had specialties individually, maybe you also told them that an experience in such field will help them in their individual specialties.

It's a short response. Use the word count wisely rather than writing about billboards.

That's my review and I hope to read your revised response.
chizy7   
Dec 18, 2016
Undergraduate / I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life easier [9]

Hello, let me see if I read this right.

You were unable to raise your hand in class when your teacher asked those who owned a computer to. You were so unfortunate that your friends mocked you and this wasn't your fault because you are from a background with economic hardship but you did not let this uncertainty rob you of the opportunity to learn about the computer hardware from the motherboard your father could afford at that moment. This made your interest in computer increase and your academic and use of a computer is a proof to that development.

It's good to know you started tech club and innovators club, but you have to shine a light on that stating goals you have achieved with these clubs and if the clubs still exist at your school and how you have made an impact through those clubs when you were in leadership. It's also great that you want to learn more about the computer but it will be much easier to understand the type of gadgets and software you want to invent and the type of problem you want to solve because there are lots of problem to solve.

You have a good essay, get it together and organized and then we will work on your grammar to make your essay fun to read and easy to understand. Avoid mentioning motherboard severally relating to how you have mastered it.
chizy7   
Dec 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Essay about the advantages of co-operation in your learning English [5]

Your essay needs a few adjustment to produce a better response. I feel like your are just listing bullet points without properly explaining your points and you also need to look into your grammar usage to correct the errors
chizy7   
Dec 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / TOPIC OF AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE I AM WRITING ON: THE CAREER WOMAN [5]

Thanks Holt I always look forward to get your feedback. I hope you don't mind if I use the topic you suggested? I just had career women in mind writing that but thanks for helping me. Going broad on the topic will make my article the same old stuff or no story at all but from the topic you just gave I think focusing on a particular place like Nigeria is great cause I am even getting ideas right now and I could go deep into feminism and some sexist laws. When I am through with the revised version I will update that here for review. thanks

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