Writing Feedback / Essay About the Importance of Plural Opinions [16]

Yes, of course, i am happy to help.

The mutual exchange of opinions is crucial In order to achieve a consensus, it is necessary for people to mutually exchange opinions and ideas. Noone An individual cannot be certain whether or not his belief is best.right andthereforethe To accomplish the best discussiondecisionseems to be the way ofrequires a group assessment of the possible solutions. so as to accomplish the best one.

Although seldom, some people are deeply convinced about their version of the truth. Once they are given a power they represent a great danger for anyone whose life they can influence.

I don't really like this part, it distracts from the introduction itself, maybe give more support to the thesis with another reason.

Hence plural opinions are highly desirable to prevent ourselves from being mastered by these people.
Hmmm... this seems to be your thesis statement, but it doesn't sound quite right. I don't think talking about pushy, obstinate, opinionated people is helping to support this statement. Unless you use a specific example of a real person (president Bush??) I would not use this idea. I think you mean that we must unite, people as a whole, and figure out what is best for everybody. I def like that you speak of democracy, but it sometimes sounds like rambling and gets off-track. I would use more facts about democracy and its benefits, also you say:

In addition to this, democracy has no sense per se, without diverse opinions.
This sentence kinda sticks out at the beginning of the paragraph, I would smooth this out... "A prime example of plural opinions is a democratic government." The give clear, straightforward examples of how this benefits the country as a whole, you could briefly compare to a dictatorship, which is the polar opposite.

If you still want more help, leave me a comment and I will do my best to get back to you.. Continue to work on your english and grammar. :) Best of luck

Letters / 'Molecular Genetics and Genomes position' - for REU internship [2]

Hi :) Great job with your essay. You do a great job explaining your long term goals, and what you hope to gain from your education. I can suggest a few changes:

By participating in this program, I hope to havegain some advanced experience with in Biology research . in BiologythatThis experience would aid me tremendously in pursuing my future goalsmy pursuit, and reveal paths I might otherwise never discover.

I have not only learned not only how to conduct experiments, but also how to undertake scientific research, laying a solid foundation for my future studies .

With the skills I have learned so far, I believe that I would be an asset to the REU program at Y. (I am not sure if "asset" is the best word here, maybe say you believe you could make a significant contribution to the research)

By participating in this internship, I hope to have some advanced experience with research in that would aid me in acquiring the background necessary for a future career in scientific research.

I would actually omit this sentence. You are repeating what you said at the beginning. Maybe you could instead give another reason why you are so interested in that career field.

Scholarship / Semester at Sea 'global perspective' - a creative work and discuss its effect on you [2]

To be honest, my original plan was to begin this essay with a quote about music being the universal language. However, as I sit here to begin writing this essay about the most influential song in my life, it impossible to ignore that my personal connections to this song are much deeper than such an introduction would express. My father, Al Grierson, was a folk musician and passed away when I was ten. He wrote the song, called "Til the Circle is Complete", and sung it to me as a lullaby for years before recording it on an album when I was six. For me, this song is far more than a cherished memory of my father; it is a beautiful and inspiring message that moves to tears and has stuck with me throughout my life, helping shape my worldview and me as a person.

I really like this, you have begun the essay nicely, and it is very interesting and unique. I think you should focus on your wording... Your first two sentences are kinda distracting from the major point, so maybe say those things in a different way. The 2nd sentence is too long, I would say these things but in a shorter, simpler way. I know you are trying to lead-in with a casual talking manner, and thats ok, but it needs to sound more clear, then it will be easier to read.

Writing Feedback / Essay About the Importance of Plural Opinions [16]

Maybe you could say it like this?

Imagine the managers of a company creating a new strategic plan. Do you picture a group of zealously arguing businessmen, or just a bunch of apathetic people, nodding their heads? In order to manage a long-term, successful company, leaders must collaborate their opinions.

I would omit the part where you answer your question with your own opinion, "I'm not sure whether the latter would work?" I think a clear statement sounds better as part of your introduction.

I hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / 'uncommon facts about animals' - U of C your extracurricular activities.... [2]

As a volunteer, I was able to stepwork behind the scenes and interruptobtain knowledge directly from the zoo keepers.

From this job, I learned many newunknown facts about animals, and I wishplan to learn more when chances comein the future.

I was expected to interact with visitors and answer any questions every minute during my shift, and also crowd control was my other task.
You could say: "My job requirements included greeting visitors, crowd control, and answering questions."

From this experience, it trained myI improved my leadership skills and gained the ability to react sharplyquickly in different situations.

Working with children was alsoa part of my duties , and itwhich required a significant amount of patience and observance. I coordinated activities s uch as hostb irthday parties, fulfilling small children's needs, and connectintroducing them withto the zoo.

Undergraduate / "Blue Eyes"- NYU Tisch Dramatic Essay [24]

Slowly opening my eyes, I had an odd feeling that I was being watched.

I looked down the long, beckoning boardwalk seeing nothing but throngs of bustling people bustling up and down , still giddy of the surf championships that took place earlier.

There was a girl leaning against the railing that led to the sand, screaming. I assumed she was on the phone with her boyfriend, [i]by the way she was yelling obscenities and talks ofregarding infidelity .

"That's cool, I came from North Carolina to surf." He said. "Or to kill someone," I thought.

Beads of sweat formed on my forehead and a taste of bile produced in my mouth.I felt a lump in my throat.

"Britt, that just happened. He would have killed us." [/i]
Did you really think that? It seems extreme, but if that was your intuition talking, then explain that a bit more. You had the suspicion that the man did not have good intentions. Strengthen your conclusion, as this should re-state the purpose of the story. Moral of the story: No matter how educated you are, no matter what kind of person you are, you cannot trust everyone, and you must rely on your "gut feelings" sometimes to lead you in the right direction.

Writing Feedback / The Greenhouse Effect and How to Slow Its Destruction [4]

Hi :) I am happy to help with your paper.

It is my intention by writing this research paper to express the importance of slowing the occurrence known as Global Warming. There is a lot of material available to learn more about the harmful effects of Global Warming and the Greenhouse Effect, both online, in magazine articles, and in books.

I would re-word the introduction, strengthen the first statement, and you could simply say that information on the subject is plentiful.

If everybody was made more aware of this problem, maybe we could slow down the destruction of our environment.
Instead of everyone, you could say, "the global population"

I am beginning my research results with the process of Global Warming.
I am not sure what "research results" means... you mean this issue is the focus of your research.

I would give a brief definition of the greenhouse effect and instead of saying it " hurt the Greenhouse Effect." I would say it "increases" the greenhouse effect. I do like how you give many details about the technical aspects of this issue. Nice job explaining the process.

This is causing problems that are becoming clearer every year, both with the health of people, plants, and animals too.
You could say, "Clearly, the problem is that the health of the planet is deteriorating, which effects people, plants, and animals."

While it appeared unlikely that things such as structures, blacktop, concrete, vehicles, and large increases in the population, would have changed the temperature on the ground, that is exactly what seems to be happening.

You could re-word this sentence to make it easier to read, it sounds a little like rambling. Simplify.

Without the Greenhouse Effect, the temperatures on Earth would be much lower. Instead of averaging around fifty nine degrees, it would be more like five degrees, Fahrenheit that is. Unfortunately, the use of fossil fuels has led to an increase in carbon dioxide levels in the air. This is caused by the combustion when coal and petroleum is burned. Processes such as these are thought to be the cause of increases in temperature on the planet. Without the natural Greenhouse Effect in our atmosphere the temperature on Earth would be much colder, maybe by as much as fifty four degrees Fahrenheit. Many differences are occurring in opinions, some say that the Earth will get warmer and some say colder. I guess time will tell which opinion is accurate in this matter of global warming, (or cooling).

I like the way you explained this aspect, but I think you should omit the part about people's opinions, because it distracts from the facts that you are writing.

Even though the nuclear disaster in Japan was terrible, it did help to alert officials in other countries such as ours that we had better be prepared for a similar situation at one of our reactor sites. There has been so much information made available to us that if we do not listen to it we would be foolish and we would all play a huge part in our own demise. We have only the planet Earth to live on at this point and, until or if, they find a planet we can survive on this is where we must live.

Although it is good to mention the disaster in Japan because it pertains to the subject, the rest of this paragraph sticks out as rambling and is unnecessary

I really love the way your conclusion reflects on your own life and imprint on the environment, but I would strengthen this part, and find a really strong way to conclude, because it seems cut short at the end.

You have done a great job with your research and explaining the aspects of global warming's effects. It needs a little attention to grammar, and be sure to stay focused on the facts.

Writing Feedback / the progress of nation and the welfare of the people versus the outer space [2]

In every countryThe governments of most countries collect taxes from the peoplecitizens for thevarious development activities and for the progress of the nation. Every year, the government plans and allocates the budget proportionately for various aspects, depending on the current situation and the nation's interest.social needs.

These aspects include the welfare of the society, internal and external security, research and development, and new schemes to be implemented for the people based on the poverty line to bridge the gap between have and have not's.

You have made a great point here. I would change "have and have not's." to "rich and poor" Also, this sentence is too long and would sound better if it was broken up into 2 sentences.

The title of your essay refers to government exploring space but you barely mention it. You say "Space research is one of the advancement in science." and say a couple things about it, but if this is what your essay is focused on, then you need to change some of your statements. It sounds a little like rambling, I would def focus, and create a strong thesis statement. Your final statement is the closest thing I can find to a thesis,

"In conclusion I would say the progress of nation and the welfare of the people not only depends on the providing the basic needs but also by doing the rapid advancement in science and technology , information technology thereby anticipating the future needs , so that we doesn't have to depend on other nations for any resources to full fill the needs of the people."

Maybe you should begin with this notion, and if you intend on writing about space, give more information about the subject.

Writing Feedback / Essay About the Importance of Plural Opinions [16]

Hi, I can help with your essay :)

Imagine a company managers making up a new strategic plan.
You could say: "Imagine the managers of a company creating a new strategic plan."

Do you see a picture of enthusiastically arguing men, stating their reasons, sometimes almost shouting or just a bunch of people, calmly sitting on chairs, apathetically nodding their heads?

I would tone this down a little, its a long sentence for a question, and because its so long, it loses its effectiveness. You could state this notion in another way perhaps. And when you say " I would not bet on the latter one at least not in a long-term successful company. " I start to get confused, can you state these ideas in a more clear, concise way?

Hence plural opinions are highly desirable to prevent ourselves from being mastered by these people.
You should remove "these people" from your thesis statement, you have many good reasons to support your argument, but i would clear this up and strengthen it.

Undergraduate / SMU Application Essay on achievements and contributions [7]

Hello :) I can help with your paper. The first thing I noticed was your concluding sentence, it stands outside of the final paragraph. I would like to see three paragraphs of basically the same length it looks more appealing to the eye. I have a few suggestions for your grammar.

1)There have been instances, seemingly small and insignificant where I have felt like I havemade a smallofimpact on someone's life, and undergonewhich led to a change in myself.

2)There was no electricity, and we had morning ablutions on a brown patch of land on top a hilly mountain.I rememberwith the sun shining on my face as I farmed with the villagers, and building a house for people I had never met.andAll of those late night talks with the the locals made me howrealize that I am a small a dot I amon the canvas of life.I spent many hours questioning the whole purpose of our existence.

3)And yet, I could make the biggest ofdifference in another dot'sperson's journey. OnUpon return, I cofounded an organisation called ASAP, where through which fund raising events we collected enough cash to sponsor a rural child's education up until tenth grade.

Scholarship / 'man equipped with the right tools' - Scholarship review [2]

Hi :) I can help with your essay.

A man equipped with the right tools needs no further learning as everything else comes to him as an implicit understanding when he applies the knowledge of the tools that he has acquired.

I would re-word this notion. The sentence is far to long, and I had to re-read it a couple of times, so I decided it is confusing. The first sentence really needs to draw in the reader to continue reading your paper. Maybe include a quote from somebody famous, or from a role model of yours.

While working with an NGO Mansha Manav Kalyan Samstha on a project of Farmers' club programme of NABARD as an intern, I learnt a great deal about what I knew before hand and what I didn't and still further what I need to learn myself.

This is a bit "wordy" Simplify. Learnt--- say, "learned" You mean to say that your previous knowledge improved, you learned new skills, and you realized that there is much more info to explore.

It was this time that my interest in the subject of microeconomic policy along with development bloomed. It was also the time when my penchant for exploring new market based solutions fostering sustainable growth through inclusive globalisation began.

You could say it like this: I began to focus on the subject of microeconomic policy and development. My interests also led to my exploration of new market based solutions, which foster sustainable growth through inclusive globalization.

I hope my ideas help, good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / 'embraced the culture and US history' meaningful achievements and your field of study [3]

Hi :) I can help with your essay. It is pretty short, but I noticed that the first two paragraphs are small, bt they are each one big long sentence, I would break up these long sentences into shorter ones that are easier to read. I can help you with an example of this, I will take one paragraph and show you what would look better. Also, you need more content, if word limit allows, because to add more detail would make the paper more interesting.

Your intro:
I immigrated to the US three years ago, and moving to a country with different culture, different language and different way of life would normally represent a challenge for most ordinary people, but I am in no way ordinary people, I saw this as one of many opportunities that life was presenting with.

You could say: Three years ago, I immigrated to America from ____. I entered a new country with a different culture, language, and way of life. For most people, this situation would present a major challenge. I am far from ordinary, and to me, this challenge was actually an opportunity. I was able to surmount this difficulty, and I quickly adapted to my new environment.

Undergraduate / "I am Vietnamese" - My UWC admission essay [16]

I agree with chalumeau, especially the part about the overused generalizations. The original question states: "why you are interested in attending a United World College, describing both what you might contribute to the College and what you hope to gain." I would focus on the 3 things that they "want to hear" 1) You are interested in the school because... (focus on academic reasons, then mention how your heritage has inspired your goal of being an ambassador) 2) Think of a strong, concrete reason why you can contribute-- be unique (connect it to your ultimate goal)... not sure if being Vietnamese is really a contribution, so be specific and this part does not need to be long. 3) what you hope to gain-- this is key, the most important point you could make. The college wants to hear that you are a person with a plan- focus on that- briefly state your short term and long term goals, and explain how the college will give you the knowledge, skills, and experience to achieve that goal (I like the word goal much better than "dream") Good luck, please repost if you have anything else to review :) we are here to help!

Undergraduate / 'a successful civil engineer' - engineering undergraduate apply [3]

Engineers bring revolutionary changes to our society. It becomesEngineering is the basis of many everyday needs.to human beings.

For example, almost everyone in the world carries an Apple product.
Not a fact, use a better example.

However,it takeshundreds of engineersmind tomust collaborate to create a fancy electronics . Every day, we walk through buildings and drive on bridges, but not many of us think thatthe work behind these were designed by architects.

Ever since I was a child, my uncle, a civil engineer who is in charge of one of --'s largest water dam projects, constantly took me to the dam locations, explained the inspections that have to be done before starting the project, and the process of building the dam.

This sentence is very long, you may want to create a couple shorter sentences out of this one.

In fact, the unique process behind it sparks my passion and made me to dreammy goal is to become a civil engineer.
WithinDuring my spare time, besides playing sports, I drawpictures and make videos for game players.

Undergraduate / "I am Vietnamese" - My UWC admission essay [16]

Since I was a little boy, I have always had a burning desire to do something great - to be an ambassador.

UWC has an excellent academic standards, as well as a friendly multicultural environment.

In UWC, I will not only will I be provided with important knowledge, but I will also improve my social, team and leadership skills.These skills are essential for me to follow the way of life that I have chosen.

At UWC, I hope to beintend on becoming an active contributor to the school.

As a student, I will take my education seriously while getting on wellcooperating with other students.regardless of countries, races or colors.

After my wonderful years in UWC, I will become a knowledgeable young manuse my education and skillswho canhelp not onlyto better myself butand also take part in developingcontribute to the development of my country.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Student behavior in schools, causes and solutions [3]

Hi, I can help with your paper.

complaining about students' reactions in school environment becomes a critical point which many people are concerned about.
You could say: Many students complain about the disorganized environment of their schools, causing concern among professionals.

School managers mention the steady growth of these trend will damage the education system.
At this point in your essay, this statement doesn't "fit". You refer to upward trend- of what?? Be more specific about your topic, then explain your reasons for this argument.

It is strongly proved that atmosphere has a significant effects on human reactions. our rough class situations, bad air conditioner system, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much student accumulation in small area and so on are some examples that planners have told about as effective points on students behavior.

You have some good points, but this sentence is far too long, simplify by splitting these ideas into shorter sentences. It will make your paper easier to read.

Governments should modify the schools situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also change the shape of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

You need to add this notion to the end of your essay instead of it being in the middle. Re-structure your paper to make it clearer: intro, thesis, support your thesis, reasons for your argument, solution, conclusion. Your paper definitely needs more work, but you are on the right track, good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'To begin to further myself as a person' - admissions essay [4]

Hi, I have a few suggestions for your essay, I have helped with your wording.

The School I attended was St. John's University in Queens, New York, where I planned on studyingto study Finance, with the idea of perhaps get into bankingworking at a bank one day and making a lot of money.

Unfortunately , I didn't really have a clue thoughofaboutwhatthe type of work in that industry entailed.or whether that was something I'd truly find any meaning in. Things went okay during my first two years,and I didn't do all that bad, but during my third year my grades took a turn for the worst.

I had failed a couple of classes, and didn't do much better in the rest, so I decided to withdraw from school.

After withdrawing from school, I went back home to Annapolis where my father lives, toso that I could collect my thoughts and figure out what was next for me. While I was there, my father tried to get me to reconsider my decision .

Undergraduate / "my job at a bank and its influence" Short Answer for Common App work experience [2]

For nearly four years, I have worked at the Bank of ABC, one of the biggest banks in the country. Although it is a good job, was not the job I wanted when I started, but the work I needed to help in thepay for my family expenses and continue my education.

Good job :) I wonder if you can explain this notion more clearly: " was not the job I wanted when I started"

On my first day (of my first job), I was terrified.
You could say: When I started my first job I was terrified.

I was shy and uncommunicative, and I was supposedexpected to interactdo business with the bank's customers in the same way aas if I was an experienced employee.would do.

After some time of work, when I started receiving the first compliments of my managers and clients I realized how much work was helping me become a better person.

It put me in touch with different people and droveled me to different situations to solve by my self.that required independent problem solving.

My job as a bank employee not only allowed me to continue my degree in Computer Sciences, but also helped me develop skillsthe necessary skills for any successful professional, I would never learn in college

Writing Feedback / Computer essay - 'becoming increasingly dependent on computers' [2]

We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers.
Can you be more specific when you say "we" I assume you mean americans, but i am not sure. Not every part of the world has this technology yet.

should we be more suspicious of their benefits?
you could say: "...should we consider this dependence on computers to be harmful?"

We can not imagine our lives without PCs , internet, handphones , and other computer related devicesconnected with computers .

The human found many uses for comuters .
Maybe you could say: "People have found that computer technology has many applications."

We use them fromfor things likeincreasingimproving the speed of workproductiontilland performing complicated surgery . In the closenear future scientist are going to create computerswhichthat can think like people .

You should read about a computer named "Watson" that won the poplar game show "Jeopardy!"

Writing Feedback / 'Medical advances are growing faster' - Evaluation Essay [2]

I have some ideas for improving your wording, i hope this helps :)

Medical advances are growing faster each day, but we are growing more unhealthyour overall health as a nation in every way possible.is decreasing.

All of these illnesses require at least one thingremedy , prescription drugs.

A plant-based diet is the healthiest diet to avoid these problems because of its balanced nutrition, prevention of disease, and effortless weight loss.
You may want to start this sentence with, "Studies have shown..." or "Experts have discovered that"

To become healthier we need to drastically decrease the amount of animal products that we consume.Meanwhile,an increase in the amount of vegetables and whole foods we eat; this will balance our nutrition. To obtain anbalanced nutritionideal diet we should have a balance between our energy and nutrient sources.

When you say "balance between our energy and nutrient sources" I am not sure what you mean, can you be more specific when you say this?

Undergraduate / Australia Bound- Study Abroad Essay [4]

Australia is my home away from home and getting to visit when trying to finish school and obtain a degree seemed to be impossible.
You may want to state this more simply:
Australia is my home away from home. It seemed impossible to find time to visit while I was attending school.

I visited Adelaide, Australia five years ago ...
You visited once, but it is your home away from home?

Since then, it has been my goal to go back and explore the other beautiful landmarks and adventures that I was unable to achieve due to the restricted activities we already had scheduled.

It is great that you are expressing your goals, I would re-word this sentence because it is a run-on.

As a Business major, I feel that a study abroad program would benefit my understandingincrease my knowledge of other countries business ideas, as well as different education techniques.

This study abroad opportunity will allow me to become more independent and develop a sense of another country's culture.
Can you expand on these thoughts? You should emphasize your expectations of the program and how it will affect your career.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl]-The food we ate in the past was healthier than the food we eat today [2]

Hi :) Nice job.

It would look nicer to see this paper in the form of 3 paragraphs- Introduction, body, and conclusion. Try to connect the outlying sentences to form even paragraphs, it will improve the appearance of the essay.

Given the fact that the equipment for food preservation was simple and crude and the food hygienic standard was lower in the past, it's hard to say the food we ate was healthy.

I would re-word this sentence, it sounds disjointed.

Considering that salt can prevent food from decay, people at that time preferred to have cured food,and that have been proved bad for health.which is not very healthy.

However, with the rapid development of technology, today we now have more advanced equipment to preserve food,from decaying and the logistical system for food transportation simplifies the conveyance process, which promisedguarantees the freshness of the food.

The "logistical system" part of this sentence confuses me a bit, distracting me from the argument.

High technology leads to a more convenient and healthier life.
Try to find a better way to say this, because it is too simple and stating the obvious.

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - Should students be paid for good grades? [5]

Yes, I agree with the idea that students can getbe motivated to study if they are paid for good grades.

As students do not find the cash reward appealing, they would not be motivated to study, which diminishes the purpose of the policy. Thus, this policy would not be sustained for long.

I wonder, specifically, if you could add any more details about the chicago experiment, when they tried giving money for good grades. I wonder how a student qualified for good grades, was it actually cash, or a gift card? I wonder if they were paid quarterly, or at the end of the year, and if the reward was based in improvement, or only high grades.

If a task is simple, straight forward and involves only mechanical skills; then a higher pay would result in a better performance. However, if the task is complicated that requires conceptual, creative thinking and involves rudimentary cognitive skills; it would not be successful at all.

Excellent point, nice job explaining this contrast.

Whereas, others who failed give up easily as they find that there is no hope in them getting rewards and compliments.
I would re-word and strengthen this sentence, as it is a key point that you are making.

Essays / Advantages and disadvantages of farm tractors (how to start essay?) [6]

Advantages:

1) They are extremely helpful to transport handicapped or injured people, or people with small children. They can carry people up many many floors, which would be exhausting to walk up the stairs that far.

2) modern elevators are being designed to evacuate people from very tall building just as quickly as people descending stairs.
3) Elevators can transport supplies to higher levels, that would otherwise be to heavy to move upstairs.

Disadvantages:

1) When you compare an elevator to using stairs, an elevator can take some time to arrive, while a person can immediately use a staircase.
2) In case of emergency, many buildings have a procedure for people to take the stairs, because there is a chance the elevator could fail to work properly.

3) They moving parts and hydraulics wear out over time, and they need to be consistantly maintained and repaired.

Undergraduate / 'trip to Guatemala' extracurricular activities- common app [6]

Great job! I have a few more suggestions on your wording, just some ideas :)

I love traveling because I enjoy meeting local people, experiencing new cultures and food.

My experience in traveling has built me up to be an open, strong and considerate individual.

With the passion to learn Spanish and the assimilate culture, I traveled to Spain and Guatemala. (not sure if "assimilate" is the best word here)

I had my incomparable and memorable experiences, such as making my first tortilla in my life , visiting the Mayan pyramids in Tikal, and going on a cave tour only with candles.

Writing Feedback / (Antonio Salazar) "a person who's influence was significant for the history" [2]

J. Kennedy and M.L. King have made a lot of progress for democracy, think about other personamong many people who's influence was significant for theAmerican history.

The means and endsresult of one's actions can be controversial, and seldom called just good or bad.

One of the world leaders who made a significant impact was no doubtsignificant is a Portuguese leader Antonio Salazar.

He had been the leader of the country for 40 years and during this time the regime he mountedbuilt was characterizedknown as a dictatorship.

Salazar greatly supported schools and universities greatly , whilealthough he was indifferent to arts and the country did not give any great examples of artemphasize art during his dictatorship.

Writing Feedback / 'The Wishing Chair' - a story on my worst experiance [3]

I really like your story, it is well written and interesting. It is emotional and descriptive, and many people can relate to this type of pain that a child feels. I am left with some questions. Starting with this part " I knew what that word meant, it was the word that the people my mother took me and my younger sister to see whispered." I had to re-read these few sentences to fully understand what you were explaining, so maybe try to write it in a more simple straightforward way. The people? Not clear exactly who they are, but I assume from what you write that they were professionals that were deciding custody? "The feeling it gave me, the cold atmosphere it produced." What feeling exactly? You were left feeling cold, numb, and running away-- maybe explain exactly why? Is it because your family would never be the same? The final sentence is abrupt, because you were explaining the people who asked you questions, then you jump right into the vision of you and your mother, I would smooth out this transition. You have a great story, although sad, it is a tale told with wisdom. Good luck in school.

Scholarship / 'I owe the possibility of my dreams to my parents' - Becca scholarship essay [2]

It means always put effort in your school son.
I would say: "In English, it means "always put effort in your school son." (if your word limit allows)

Because they have sacrificed so much so I can have an opportunity for a higher education I plan to strive and persevere to accomplish my goals by obtaining an education, acknowledging the fact that I would most likely not be in school if it hadn't been for my parents who have constantly supported me throughout my life.

This sentence is far too long, shorten it, or even better, split it up into a few shorter sentences. (I like this notion- it is crucial to your paper)

I feel that I owe the possibility of my dreams to my parents.
I think you should replace the word possibility- you should make it sound like a sure thing, the dreams that you are certain you will accomplish.

In the future I plan to pursue a career as a writer and spread the word of my achievements as a Latino writer with hardships.to emphasize how others Latinos.

You don't need to say "in the future" because you say "I plan" and the 2 together are redundant.

My decision to be a writer also comes from and from my volunteering at Youth Voice, a leadership program that has taught me lessons of giving back.

Writing Feedback / 'experience-based and academic-based learning' - CLEP [2]

Experience-based learning is a very valuable tool and teaches many important skills needed to succeed throughout life as a growing person.
I would change this sentence around... You could say something like: "As a person grows, he will learn many skills through experience. This experience-based learning is a valuable tool that is necessary for success."

An illiterate person will not be of any help in the workplace, and an unexperienced wife will not make a good mother.
These statements are not true fact, and are not very supportive of your argument, I would explore different examples.

IfF or example, if you look atexamine the history ofvarious US presidents,throughout history it is easy to seeobvious that what each one experienced while in office helped to shape the nation over the years.

This sentence is a bit too long and wordy.

You did a nice job with fully answering the question, with good reason for your argument. I like the comparison to presidents, if anything, add more content that explain why the combo of school and life experience are so important. Good work! Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'responsibility for my average grades' - TRANSFER TO TEXAS A&M ESSAY [2]

I choose to live by choices, not by chances. To make changes, not excuses. To be motivated, not manipulated. To be useful, not used. To excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self-pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice and not to the random opinion of others.

Your introduction is excellent, it really catches my eye, and draws me into reading more.

The truth is, what I am trying to say is very simple. I am simply an African girl from a rich family who simply wants to better her third-world country that she gladly calls home.

My father is an amazing (talented?) civil engineer, and he has approximately 300 people working for him.

Being the only one of his five children to share his passion, I know I must not fail him, I cannot fail him.

I started my schoolingeducation at the University of Houston. I was muchexcitedandbecause the school had a very good academic program; yet, I transferred after my first semester because I felt lonely.

Soon after, I saw myselftransferred to my sister's college for mythe spring semester (my current school).

Writing Feedback / Government should spend more money on education than recreation and sports, essay [2]

Investment should be more for education rather than public entertainment and games by national authorities.
Nice job answering the question, you have stated exactly which POV you are supporting. However, I would strengthen this statement.

It is certainly that the entertainment and games are both necessary for public fun and fund raising for economic activities but the priority should be given funding on education for both the citizen's capacity enhancement and ultimate national achievement.

This sentence is too long, it sounds like rambling, and is confusing. Write these ideas clearly and simply- don't say so much all in one sentence, that way, it is easier for the reader to understand the argument you are making.

Literacy is the vital for every person, in order to communicate well.by which he can read and write for good communication purpose and without this the whole things remain dark for such individual's whole life.

Alternatively, Sports and recreational activities are equally important for public entertainment which not merely provides public fun but also generates huge
Money which creates employments but funding in this field seems meager amount as compared to whole bunch of people's education that is certainly outsights.

This statement really "sticks out", meaning that it does not quite fit. You say it is equally important, but this is inconsistant with your argument that education should be emphasized. Change this to say how recreation is very important, but less money should be invested into this.

Writing Feedback / Have you ever experienced culture shock? in Arab world? [3]

I can imagine that there are some major differences between the two cultures, and it would be shocking to enter one if you have grown up in the other. There is a great contrast between the two. An arab has extremely strong obligations and responsibilities to his family, whereas americans often disregard or abandon their family. Arabs have a much stronger sense of community, and are more trusting and welcoming to neighbors, these qualities mean they are honorable people (not typical in america). Another major difference is that arabic culture defines a persons identity by their religion before anything else. A person's religion is essentially who they are, and in America this is not typically the case. Another thing: Americans are always tightly packed with appointments and kept busy all day, which causes a hectic rushed style of living, and this doesn't happen in arabic culture. They are much more laid-back and go with the flow of life. Find real-life examples by thinking of everyday things we do, and how it would be different in the other culture- eating, clothing, sports, transportation, activities, anything. There are so many things to consider, I hope my ideas help (I am not arabic, but I wanted to give some ideas anyway) Good luck! When you have something written, be sure to post it here for review. :)

Undergraduate / 'trip to Guatemala' extracurricular activities- common app [6]

My parents taught me the importance of first-hand experience from traveling.
You could say: I gained first-hand experience by traveling with my parents. (maybe you should specify- experience in what?? life? travel?)

This is why I love traveling so much.
"This" doesn't seem to refer to anything- omit this part, or give a real reason for wanting to travel.

My experience in t raveling experience has built me to become an individual who is open, strong, yetand considerate individual.

September 3rd 2011 marks the beginning of a significant juncture during which I took a semester off to travel to Guatemala.
If you are trying to remove some content, you could take away the exact date in this sentence.

I fell off a horse when I first tried to canter. The pain I had for several days was not a mere agony but an honorable wound.

Here is another notion that you could shorten or omit from your essay, to stay under the word limit.

Writing Feedback / What is the major factor of our personality and development? [2]

Hi I can point out a few changes that you may want to make:

I think that you need to strengthen your argument and make it more obvious which POV your are supporting- re-read this essay and try to find where you could add in more content, and give more reasons for the argument.

Saying phrases like "nowadays, to begin with, moreover" is not necessary and can distract from the content of your essay.

dilemma about the main factor that shapes our personality
the "dilemma" is kind of vague (it means a problem)... either strengthen this statement or remove the dilemma part from the sentence. You mean to say, "Many people wonder what exactly forms an individual's personality." You also mean that there is a debate (not dilemma) over whether people's personality traits are innate or learned from their environment.

In this essay, I will tryhave chosen to point out mythe reasons why I strongly support the idea that experience is the most important factor that can influence our personality as well asand development.

A person's c haracteristics that we have may change during our lifetime.over the course of their lifetime.

Taking into account all of these above,we may reach a conclusion that experience is the major factor of personality and development in our lives.

I would completely re-write this conclusion, it would look better if it was at least 3 sentences, and it should really wrap things up. Try to make it a little more interesting. Start out by saying: "Although many factors contribute to an individual's personality, environment seems to be the most influential."... then add a couple more sentences. Good luck!

Essays / Advantages and disadvantages of farm tractors (how to start essay?) [6]

Hi I can give you a few ideas:

Advantages:
1) Can pull heavy loads
2) They are built to last many years, and are able to withstand harsh conditions
3) Makes farming, planting, seeding, tilling, fertilizing, and reaping much faster and efficient than if done by hand

Disadvantages:
1) Lacking speed
2) requires careful maintenance (just like a car)
3) they produce exhaust of diesel fumes (bad for the environment)

Book Reports / "ROAD TO AMIR'S REDEMPTION" - THE KITE RUNNER REVISION [6]

Amir did not just ruin Hassan's life; he also ruined the lives of many people with his decisions after the incident in the alley

Can you be more specific about how exactly did he ruin Hassan's life? This is kinda vague. Another example of a life ruined is that of Soraya- you say:

Soraya lost her right to the truth when Amir kept his past a secret even though she opened up to him about hers
I don't know if this is her life being ruined, although she was wronged. How did this ruin her life? Clarify this.

... but it is a completely different issueproblem when you destroy the lives of others.

Although if it was not for Amir's actions as a child, Sohrab never would have needed to be saved in the first place but by saving Sohrab, the last piece of Hassan's life, does make a difference.

This sentence is long and confusing, I would make it into 2 shorter sentences.

Amir admits that he cost Hassan the chance at a good life and that he had many opportunities to change the outcome of Hassan's life.

ButA t this moment, he realizes he could lose everything he has built in America, but for the first time in his life, Amir did not only care about only himself, he came to terms with what he had done, and he was ready to redeem himself at any cost.

Graduate / 'when I met my extended family' - My personal essay for Physical Therapy program [2]

I spent time listening to his stories, and through them I realized how hard it was for him to grow up with an incapacity.

I never felt sad for his condition (sorry for him?) , on the other handinstead, I felt proud because regardless of his physical incapacity, he was a strong man.

He knew that it didn't matter how long it took you get somewhere as long as you got to where you wanted to be.your destination .

I grew fond of him as he took the figurerole of a friend and a father figure in my life.

It was at that moment that I learnedrealized what I wanted to do for the rest of my life; I wanted to help people with physical disabilities.

I am grateful for having had the opportunity to view my patient's happy facial expression to see me in association with physical therapy as an enjoyable part of his day.

I learned a lot through MJ, I learnedespecially that physical therapy deals not only with both the physical aspect of a patient but his or herand the emotional aspect.andI learned that providing motivation, compassion and perseverance creates an environment of support and trust in which a patient's recovery can thrive.

Writing Feedback / "...ethnic unity and cultural identity are routinely defined by language.." [2]

There are many differences between that exist between countries, with language being the obvious one. One of the greatest obstacles to overcome when traveling from abroad to the USA is the language barrier. Even after years of learning another language, it can be challenging completely if we don't relate to it culturally .

**you don't need to keep starting sentences with words like hence, thus, moreover. these words are unnecessary and distracting

He argues how a united language seemed unimportant seemed the united language establishment years ago, atduring the time of Great Kings.

The trouble with language started with the French revolution, when it was decided to diminishthat any competitive languages in the country be diminished .

Therefore, the language chauvinism became into the play.
This sentence should be omitted, it sounds odd.

In theIn the past, people were tormented by wars and racial disputes.During the twentieth century, countries tried to get away from their former invaders.

Undergraduate / (An engineer at heart) - interests in the program University of Waterloo? [2]

Hi: I will look at your first question and response.

My goals include of successfully completing the Bachelors degree program in SYDE, and moving forthtowardscontinuing my education to obtain a Master's in Biomedical engineering.

(I feel like you need a sentence before this one to "lead in" to this, otherwise it is just getting right to the point, which is fine if you have a word limit)

My engineering in particular, developed as I would closely observe anything in the house being fixed by my late uncles who were electrical engineers themselves, whether it be a fan, T.V., motor-bike, especially things of electric notion. From infancy I have been capable of distinguishing between components of machines and devices. I would dissemble and rearrange components of some of these devices, exhibiting knowledge of their functions. I would get fascinated by peculiarity of pretty much anything, and question its formation. Walls, roads, trees, houses, and many other things of routine that come to our notice, fascinated me.

Unfortunately, this is off-topic. You can mention you have always had an interest in this field of study, and have a natural passion for it. The rest of this is unnecessary, and is not correctly answering the prompt question. It is using filler instead of writing actual reason for wanting to attend the school. Focus on what the school has to offer, and let them know these things have drawn your attention.

Writing Feedback / FIRM DISCIPINE IS PART OF TEACHING CHILDREN (AGREE OR DISAGREE) [2]

Hi :) I think your paper is very well done. One thing I would change is to define "firm discipline" at the beginning of the paper. It is unclear what it means. You should include one sentence in the beginning about what specific "positive impacts" people believe will happen to children who receive "firm discipline". I would try to make it more obvious which side of the argument you are writing about, and strengthen your reasons for feeling this way. the paper asks your opinion, so it is okay to write it as if these ideas are coming from your own personal views.

Moreover, they can behave as the robots,according to the instructionas a result of whipping, instead of raisinglearning the reason for their mistakes.

I dont really like the comparison to robots... maybe you could think of another way to express this notion.

Nevertheless, it is irrefutable that by virtue of the appearance ofwhen firm discipline is applied , children feel scared and deeply remember deeply their failuresmistakes .

Another paradox is thatFor example,a teacher must employ strict disciplineonly by applying firm discipline or strict obligation can teacherin order to control the class effectively and set upcreate a serious learning environment. in class.In other words, not only do children form right behavior but learning environment also becomes more seriously and efficiently by dint of this teaching method.

The sentence I scratched out is repetitive, so it is not necessary.