Scholarship / Goals - finish high school with high grades, be accepted to my top three schools, and attend college [3]

Kerry we have a problem with your response. I hate to say this but, your response doesn't apply at all. This isn't about career choices that your father set out of what you dream for yourself. This is all about your solid plans for your future career. Be it in the short or long term. What you wrote about was more about what your father dreamed you could be and who you want to be. The prompt assumes that you already know what your career will be. What they want to know about now is how your career will girl you achieve your future plans. Hence the reference to long and short term goals.

This essay should be discussed in terms of where you see your career development point in say, 10 year, for short term goals, Do you see yourself working as a senior publicist at a Holistic firm or somewhere similar? Maybe working ala Olivia Pope and doing publicity crisis control? In the long term, perhaps you will have started taking on your own clients in your own firm in 15 to 20 years? The point is to show that you have an idea as to how you see your career progressing and that you have a solid idea as to how you will achieve that over time. Make sure that you discussed the progression using the priority list that the prompt requires.

Undergraduate / Virginia Tech has many attributes any student would desire in a school. Reasons to become a Hokie [2]

Kira, your statement and reasons do not stand out in your response. It is a bit difficult to pick out your five reasons because you didn't separate the reasons into paragraphs, which would have resulted in an easier read as well. Frankly, the reasons you picked aren't original. However, I understand why it may be difficult for you to choose five reasons. You relied on the readily available material for your response.

The best response to this essay involves research and analysis on your part. You need to present your top five personal reasons for wanting to be a Good and not simply the commonly opted for reasons. So you are interested in taking up architecture at the university. Rather than just going for the commonly referred to diversity, classes size, and location answers. Do your homework.

Who is the most notable architecture professor in the university? He will be reason one. What internship program do you want to enter? Reason two. Architecture competitions on campus, reason four. Reason five, the university community and its various activities. Ali reasons, on a uniquely personal level covered.

Scholarship / Social justice, intersectional feminism, Congolese values. Acquired Knowledge Outside Class - Gates [3]

Your discussion about the rise of your knowledge about Feminism was a very gold way to kick off the statement. It was relevant, seen engaging and offered information as to how the ideology affected you as a person. The discussion was enlightening and offered an idea as to how you might conduct yourself within the student community. Unfortunately, your discussion about learning about diets did not deliver the same impact and information as it should have.

You explained how you came to realize the importance of dieting to a person. Including your friend in the story shower how you are capable of learning through observation. However, the end result for you, be it simple weight loss on your part r a desire to educate others about the benefits of weight loss would have been a nicer note to end the essay on. After all, the goal of non-academic dedication is information transfer by influencing others.

Scholarship / Contribution to Community - Studyblr [2]

This experience sounds more like you were acting in an advisory rather than leadership capacity. There is no real sense of community interaction in the way you depicted the reason for the Tumblr account. This prompt needs to have a more interactive approach to the leadership activity. From the way that you introduced the premise to the activity, you were doing it more for your motivation rather than to motivate others. A true leader motivates others to complete their tasks and achieve a collective goal. Perhaps you need to develop this idea further through a revision of your content.

You can summarize the reason the you created Studyblr and depict a more community inclusive reason for doing so in contrast to your more personal reasons for establishing the account. Then mention some comments you received that can clearly refer to your leadership role in the group. That will explain how you accomplished your goals. After that, you can still use the part about you can use this experience for your future goals.

Don't think about the character count. You can edit for characters when you have already explained yourself clearly in so many words and characters.

Undergraduate / Billionaire Boys Club - Common App Essay Prompt One HELP [5]

Aric, you want to know what stood out for me while I was reading your background story? I was drawn in by your story of being a young entrepreneur. The fact that you are a high school student who already owns and runs a "successful" business definitely made this essay stand out from the rest. You should build upon that background story instead of presenting the generic and common stories about bullying and lack of diversity in your environment.

Tell us your background. Describe in better detail how you became the successful young man that you are. Explain the struggles that you went through as a start-up that helped build your character and sense of responsibility to yourself and commitment to your work. Set yourself apart from the other candidates by offering up a background story of success rather than overcoming failure. Give the reviewer the hope that, should he decide to take a chance on you by recommending you for admission, he will not have made a mistake because you have the foundation to succeed in whatever it is that you want to do with your life. Be the story of the winner who applied to college and got in.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] A question which remains controversial; Strict rules of behaviour for children or not? [3]

Band Score: 3

The prompt already admits that children should be allowed to have the freedom to do what they want. That is a given implication in the discussion. What the prompt would like to know, is how much you agree with the sentiment that, although children should be allowed the freedom to express themselves, they still need to somehow follow strict rules. That is what you should be agreeing or disagreeing to up to a certain extent. Since you discussed the wrong prompt, there was a clear lack of understanding of the demands of the instruction. Your introduction paragraph was wrong so all of the essay content / discussion became wrong as well.

The grammar you used is simple but manages to get your sentiments across. The only problem, was that you were relaying the information for the wrong discussion. Always remember, when you write a practice test, review the prompt and then compare it with your written work. if you are not sure that you wrote the correct discussion, ask a friend who is better in English use than you to review your work. You only have one chance to pass the actual test. So make sure that you improve on your comprehension skills as that will dictate your ability to pass or fail the test.

Graduate / A good accountant; 'high sense of honor and responsibility' - William & Mary MAcc Admissions Essay [3]

Chris, you have left me speechless with our essay. You have accurately presented an image of who and what an ideal accountant should be. The typical description went quite well with the essay that depicted your personal insight into the occupation (nice touch using your grandfather to discuss that point), and how your current work has prepared you to go deeper into the world of Accounting.

If I may offer a piece of advice to further improve your essay, you could discuss the future of accountancy as you see it. What role do you see the future accountants undertaking? How will your role as an accountant evolve as the finance world adjusts to ever changing global economies that affect the local market? In other words, what present, undervalued, or underestimated qualities do you possess at the moment which you know will help you become an even better accountant in the future? I think that if you show a sense of forward thinking and a desire to evolve and improve the quality of the profession in the future, your essay will be more than adequate enough in response to the prompt.

Graduate / I am an experienced software engineer - apply for ANU master degree, self- statement [10]

Your first paragraph is too long. You should not be discussing two different, yet connected topics within a single paragraph because it confuses the reviewer and does not allow him a complete chance to process the information you have presented. You need to separate the topics and break them down into 2 independent and complete paragraphs instead. You could end the first paragraph at:

As an experienced software engineer, I was mainly responsible for database development, so I have access to a number of big data related projects

Then start your new paragraph with:

Hadoop has become one of the most famous original concept of big data...

That way you allow the reader a moment to pause and analyze the first set of information you presented before going on to analyzing the next set of data in your essay.

The reviewer may have a problem with the reasons why you chose to enroll in their university due to the first few reasons you presented. Are you taking a vacation and going to a resort destination in Canberra? Or are you applying to get into a masters degree course at the university? You should not be describing your interest int he university in terms of a tourist spot. You are not there to get a tan and swim in the ocean. You are there to study and your academic reason for opting for ANU should reflect that. Revise the part that describes the reasons why you chose the university. Don't make yourself sound like you are just out to have fun. Keep the serious academic tone throughout. This is a masters degree application, not a common app college essay.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [5]

AD, are you writing a Statement of Purpose or a Personal Statement? Those are two different things and what you have written here is definitely not a Statement of purpose or, as you put it, a SOP. Due to the confusing content and lack of focus on the essay, the paper that you wrote is nothing more than an almost average personal statement. It does not contain all of the required components of a statement of purpose. So, you can edit it for content and use it as a personal statement. It cannot be used as a statement of purpose.

In order to properly write the statement of purpose, your first paragraph should contain the purpose for your higher study. Since this is for a PhD level application, your line of reasoning should be far more academic than this essay has presented. Your dissertation topic, in relation to your purpose, and as a representative of your continued interest in researching a particular field of Biochemistry should be part of the first paragraph.

The second, should represent the thesis you performed during your MS studies including the title and result of the research you did. Who did you research with and you feel that this topic should be further studied. As a PhD student, your focus should be on further developing your thesis in preparation for updated publication if it has not been previously published. Make sure to mention any accolades that your previous thesis received or where it was published (if ever).

Your third should explain what kind of future research you plan to do at this university, whom you hope to work with. Why you feel this university can help you with this research, and how you feel you can help the university highlight its presence in this field as well. Explain the kind of researcher you hope to be by the end of your PhD course. Finally, close the essay with information about why you feel that this university choice is specifically suited to your interests, ambitions, and research direction.

There are hints of these topics in your aforementioned essay. However, it was not properly presented so would do better to just write a totally new essay using the hints I have provided above. Take the relevant parts from your previous essay and combine it with your new and improved statement of purpose.

Graduate / Choosing between two Polymer Engineering (PE) departments - academic statement of MSU [13]

Errors corrected. The essay is ready to submit. Do not add anything. Do not change anything. It is ready. You can't do anything more with it. Submit it.

However, the campus seemed a perfect place to me for other reasonS...
fulfilling my ambitions of ...
one of the largest chemical industrial zoneS in Iran...

two undergraduate students' SprojectS...
I assigned each student A distinct role...
we were not only able to provide more re sources...
projects which invlove INVOLVE studying polymers
with my interests in THE Material ...
I am so much enthusiastic about this field of study; therefore, THAT I decided to spend the rest of my life working on it DEVOTE MY LIFE TO THIS RESEARCH FIELD.

Moreover, I am optimistic to THAT I CAN promote a deeper understanding ...

In my quest of serving TO SERVE as an Iranian polymer researcher,

Undergraduate / Do we most value the things that are difficult to attain? [2]

Nour, while you present a good thesis statement for the essay, you did not really provide an overview of the three reasons that you will be discussing in the essay. History of literature does not really mesh with the prompt but personal experience does. So you need to find 2 other correct reasons that will support your claims. While you are well within the 3 sentence minimum presentation for this thesis statement, the lack of solid reference as to the discussion topics weakened the introduction and body of the essay.

In your second paragraph, you talk about the community and how the members struggle to achieve a life of prosperity and privilege. That is a good reference to one of the reasons why people would value something difficult to tattain. However, your supporting discussion, related to how you saved your class cards because it reminded you of your struggle to get good grades doesn't really support the terms "prosperity" and "privilege". So the justification you used is in error.

The Steve Jobs example is acceptable. However, you spent more time discussing his accomplishment than you did his struggle to attain his status as a businessman. So mention only a few of his accomplishments, then explain his struggle to reach the top. That will show how hard it was to become the leader of Apple and why he valued the company and his accomplishments so much.

Now, we come to your conclusion. No conclusion can end with only a single sentence in an academic paper. So you need to develop your conclusion with a clear and proper idea as to how the reasons you discussed strongly supports the claims you made in your thesis.

Essays / How to create a meaningful introduction regarding an application essay to a research program [8]

Elena, the first thing you have to ask yourself when developing a research paper is, "What am I interested in writing about?" List down your 10 top interests and then narrow the long list down to your top 5. Base your top 5 solely on your degree of interest in the topic. Now, narrow it down to your final 3 based upon the degree of importance of the subject to the medical world. After that, your final choice should solely be based on availability of information and feasibility of the study.

Next, set up your preliminary research questions. Look for the information that you need to find and analyze it. Decide if this is the kind of information that you will be interested in following up and developing. It may turn out to be a bit harder to set up the preliminary work for the research paper than you actually think so you need to be prepared to go the distance and commit to this task.

If you find that this is a topic that you are more than willing to develop due to a more pressing reason, say curing the MERS-COV virus or eradicating Ebola, then you should ask yourself what the outcome of the paper should be for you. Do you think it will really be a paper that will help advance the cause of research in the area of your choosing? If so, then you are on the right track towards starting your research paper.

Graduate / As a passionate for great constructions, geotechnics sparkles in my eyes - SOP Birmingham University [3]

Amanda, you are not writing a research paper nor are you writing a TOEFL or IELTS essay. So why are you presenting a thesis statement with an introduction, opinion, and thesis statement at the end of it? This should be written as a straightforward essay. There is no need for your first paragraph introduction at all.

Your essay is actually running too long and presenting way too much unnecessary information. My advice, cut it down only to the most important parts that will properly represent your statement of purpose. Keep in mind that you will be up against thousands of candidates for graduate school at the university, so wasting the admission's officer's time with a long worded and useless introduction will not be helping your cause. Always just make it a point to get to the point immediately in the essay.

How do you get to the point? Provide the most important information in the first sentence of each paragraph. Your essay should not be longer than 5 paragraphs and should contain only information that will help the reviewer consider your application. What information is this?

Provide the following:
1. What is the masters degree you wish to enroll in?
2. How does it relate to your previous major?
3. What experience have you gained over the years that should tell the reviewer that you will make a good candidate ? You only need one relevant and memorable work experience in this part. Don't present your resume. That is not necessary.

4. How do you plan to use this knowledge in the future?
5. How can the university help you achieve those 4 goals?

That is the simple way to write a statement of purpose. It need not be complicated, sound like a research paper, nor over inform the reviewer. Just stick to the basic discussion.

Research Papers / Several causes can be identified behind the rise in obesity. [3]

Dina, you need to improve upon your first paragraph for a very specific reason, even though you present information in the paragraph, you do not present a proper thesis at the end of it. As you know, the thesis of the research paper needs to be located in the first paragraph. That is normally presented in the last or last 2 sentences in the paragraph. In fact, your whole first paragraph should contain nothing but information that will help you build the foundation for your thesis and succeeding discussion.

You never present the information for discussion in the first paragraph. The only information that it should contain will be the stated prompt, line of discussion, and your personal opinion on the matter. If you had only presented this information first, then your research would have been off to a very good start. That is not to say though that the rest of the paper is bad and uninformative.

The information you use is good. It is cited properly and offers academic sources, which add credibility to the research paper. However, as Amanda pointed out, the formatting problem of your essay made it difficult to read. It brings stress to the reader's eyes and causes the person to lose interest in the essay. You need to use the space bar to separate the discussions.

It might be possible for you to get a passing grade on this paper based upon the information. The shortcomings make it difficult for you get an even better grade. If you can correct the errors we pointed out before you submit this paper, it just might qualify for a better than just passing grade.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent-Technology lessens children's creativity. Do you agree or disagree? [6]

Saharnaz, while you have a very lengthy essay, it is not well discussed at all. You just keep repeating the same discussion over all your paragraphs.Just because you managed to develop 5 paragraphs with long sentences, that does not mean that you successfully created a coherent discussion. A short paragraph without redundancies is better than a long paragraph that only repeats information already stated in the previous paragraph.

You also deviated from the discussion through the example that you presented. You presented an idea as to how your niece learned how to take care of a flower. That explains how children use technology to learn information about things that interest them. That does not illustrate the way that children can develop their creativity through the use of technology. A proper discussion of that evidence should have presented information about how children learn how to manipulate pictures using Photoshop, learn how to draw using Sketch Guru, or even learn how to play music on the piano or drums through Real Piano or Real Drums. Those are creative activities that would have been relevant to the prompt.

This essay would not get a passing grade in an actual test. You need to reconsider the factors that the prompt asks you to discuss and then evaluate the essay that you have written. Then write a fresh essay on the same topic that is closer to the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - an essay discussed about who should take the responsibility for education [6]

The introduction lacks a complete restatement of the prompt question and the presentation of both opinions before you stated your personal opinion. Keep those errors in mind when you work on your next practice essay. The introduction is the basis of the whole essay and can garner you the highest possible consideration for marks because it showcases all the important English skills upfront. Overall though, the essay is pretty solid and delivers the required discussion.

One more piece of advice, your personal opinion is to be discussed as a stand alone paragraph. It is not part of the conclusion. The conclusion should be used to close the discussion. It not an avenue for introducing new ideas for discussion. So you need to fix the introduction and conclusion of this essay. The body of paragraphs are acceptable and academic enough to pass consideration.

I suggest that you revise the problem points of the essay before I delve into the editing of the grammar content. The essay has the potential to be very good. So let's see if you can get it to that point.

Graduate / A specific event which triggered my decision to become a Physical Therapist. PTCA - DOCTORATE IN PT [4]

- This is an unnecessary backstory as it doesn't really inform the admissions tutor why you would want to become a physical therapist. If anything this paragraph indicates why you would not want to become one. That is not the purpose of the essay and should not even be hinted at in the final version of this paper.

... health care settings as a microbiologists carrying out various medical laboratory tests as a microbiologists but .
HOWEVER, as long as I can remember...

...euthanasia at a certain point in his life when BECAUSE he couldn't bear his pains anymore because he visited SINCE a native doctor who caused an irrevocable IRREVERSIBLE damage to his leg after he had a stroke.

He was made to wear shoes of various heights to balance his movement
- (WAS THIS PRESCRIBED BY A PT? CLARIFY WHOSE MEDICAL ADVICE THIS WAS) .
I asked him during our conversation ABOUT his reason for a change of FOR CHANGING mind on REGARDING his contemplated euthanasia .
and he HE said it was BECAUSE OF his physical therapists abroad that WHO stood by him during his trying times.
He said he admired her dedication, discipline and patients PATIENCE towards a...
that this was my first trigger into what my place in the hospital or healthcare environment is to COULD be.
I BEGAN TO WONDER IF I COULD BECOME A an aspiring physiotherapist. AFTER ALL, THE JOB OFFERS THE SAME PATIENT INTERACTION AND CARE THAT I CRAVE FOR.

Stemming from my physical therapy career is the I HAVE A strong desire to get the word out as to the importance of physiotherapy ... hospitals around my country there should also be physiotherapy SERVICES SHOULD BE OFFERED AS A PART OF rehabilitation ...

because some people are taking the places of physical therapists due to their beliefs that they know about the bones and muscles alike and they cause a lot of complications that are sometimes irrevocable.

THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO EDUCATE PEOPLE AGAINST THE IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE THAT NATIVE DOCTORS CAN DO TO THEIR BONES AND MUSCLES. Also, coming from a country were physical therapy...

grows to greater heightS given the fact that a lot of injured...

This particular incidence INCIDENT reassured my desire...
so as to also put an end to the menace...

Graduate / "Cite examples of times when you demonstrated professionalism" PTCAS - DOCTORATE IN PHYSICAL THERAPY [2]

The first problem that you have to address in your essay is the problem of paragraph development. You should develop topic paragraphs and not just throw the whole essay, without paragraph spacing onto the page. It creates a cluttered look that makes the essay difficult to read. You also have a big problem with spelling. I can tell that you wrote this paper in a rush and did not even bother to proof-read the paper. While we can proof read for you, it should not become a habit because we won't always be there to spellcheck your words and check your grammar. As a person writing about professionalism, these are traits and procedures that should be second nature to you already. Most specially since you are dabbling in a field that relies heavily on research.

For example, you want to say "ensuring my colleagues also fished FINISHED theirs." Saying your colleagues fished theirs just doesn't make any sense. Always, read over your document and edit on your side before you submit it for review. I understand English is not your first language, but using wrong descriptive words can badly hurt your essay and chances for admission.

As for the professional traits you described, you lack another important description that was a part of the essay you developed add the following word to the paragraph:

They are RESPONSIBLE, reliable, and they keep to their promises.

Your content is strong and depicts the kinds of obstacles that career professionals in your field often find themselves battling against. Such a description and narration offers an insight into the kind of character that you have, which will be considered a plus as a student by the review team. I don't see any changes that need to be made to the story you told. The changes that are needed are mostly technical at this point. Please apply the changes and then bring the essay back here for further review. Thanks.

Letters / 'Dear Partner' - an opinion letter to a company, help me edit this text [3]

I hope this helps :-) It's a bit short notice so this editing job is kind of rushed but usable for your purpose. It is polished already and ready to use or submit.

Dear Partner,

Vietrantour Company is proud of its continuing relationships with all our existing partners during the past year. In order to ensure a continued improvement of service quality, tourism programs, client cooperation skills, and heightened professional abilities of our employees, we invite all our partners to share comments and suggestions that assess our quality of service, products, and work staff through our "Survey's of Partners Satisfaction with Vietrantour" program.

The data that you will share with us will help us to assess the points for improvement of our company as we constantly strive to improve and professionalize our operations. It is our hope and desire that our partners take a few moments out of your busy schedules to help our company assess our client satisfaction ratings by filling in the enclosed documents and returning the same to us via postal mail.

We are always pleased to assist you and hope that you continue to support our company in the future!

With Due Respect,
Public Relations Department

Writing Feedback / Fossil fuels are not going to last forever and nuclear power is the cheapest alternative - IELTS [8]

You already know what my comments are for your original version of the essay, which, in my opinion could not have gained a score higher than 2. That essay was really terrible and did not present your ability to understand English in a positive manner. There as absolutely no way that essay would have passed. You simply did not apply yourself to developing the essay at the time.

The second version, would most likely get a 6 because it showed an improvement over the first version. Keep in mind though, in an actual test, you don't get a do-over. You can't repeat the test if you fail it. So you need to work on getting the essay right the first time. Your problem lies in the way you understand English. You need to practice comprehension exercises when you have the time. It will help you to better develop your essay writing skills.

Keep practicing and you will get better. Remember the advice and lessons that you are going to be receiving here and you will find that your abilities will improve over time. So don't lose hope. You will make it as long as you apply yourself to your task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS / Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change [3]

I have a different opinion of your work. I score this only a 4 due to your problem in addressing the prompt requirements. You do not discuss all of the opinions nor mention your point of view in the body of your essay. Keep in mind that the prompt required you discuss the two points of view aside from your personal opinion. You delivered a very good discussion only for one side of the essay, making the content irrelevant to the prompt.

You should have had a total of 5 paragraphs in this essay representing the following points of discussion:
1st - the introduction that contains the restated prompt, the two points of view, and your personal opinion.
2nd - the supporting side that discusses the positive effects of change.
3rd - the opposing side
4th - your opinion
5th - conclusion containing your summary of discussion, your personal opinion, closing sentence.

Review the prompt requirements and compare it with what you wrote. Make sure to always refer to the prompt in your succeeding essays as you write your responses. That way you will be sure that you will be answering the prompt correctly.

Writing Feedback / The more population a country have, the more amount of water will be used. Cambridge IELTS 6 Test 1 [2]

I think that this would score a 5 in its current form. The essay just basically gets the job done. There are no surprises or stunning revelations in your writing style or formatting. In fact, the writing style and formatting definitely need work because the essay you wrote can be quite confusing. There is no strength nor conviction on your part as the writer, in terms of how you presented the information in the report.

Here are the changes I would make to this essay by the way, you forgot to upload the image again. Please make sure to upload it with your next practice essay for our reference. Thanks.

... changes in the amount of water consumption in worldwide according to three categories(agriculture, industry and domestic)...
... 1900 to 2000. And, the THE table shows information about the use of water in two countries namely Brazil and Democratic Republic of Congo in 2000.

... It stated A the period with 500 km3 followed...

The essay is confusing, does not contain a proper overview, is weak when it comes to reporting facts and figures, and does not provide an adequate conclusion. You have a lot of work ahead of you in terms of improving your Writing Task 1 skills. Don't lose heart though, you will improve provided you don't get tired of practicing.

Undergraduate / "Film? Why do you want to study that?" How did I changed my interest to liberal art [4]

I think you can best use this essay for the "background" prompt. The problem, is that you did not successfully explain the transition of your interest from sciences to the arts. Your first paragraph should contain a reference to your interest in science and then end with a transition sentence that will help explain why you became interested in the arts.

Your second paragraph should begin to show how your interests continued to change and eventually, led to a new mindset that also led to your new major. However, I would not concentrate the discussion on the movie Titanic alone. It would be better for your essay if you spoke of the interest as having developed through your video making activities. A personal depiction of the growth of an interest, something that you actually participated in, rather than watched, is one of the best ways to present that development.

Your third paragraph, should continue to highlight your developing interest in film and why you have developed a passion for it. Explain your plans for your future, your ambition, and how you feel that becoming a film maker will complete you as a person. What is the main purpose for your desire to become a film maker?

Conclude with a discussion as to how you see your passion consuming you so much that you absolutely have to give in to your desire to become a film maker.

Undergraduate / Trying to transfer to UT Austin and I am starting to work on my SOP essay [4]

Remember the story of your friend that you used at the start of the essay? Edit it for content, concentrating mostly on the discussion you had after the basketball game. That is the valued experience that you can share in the essay. However, you should not place that at the very start of the essay. The correct place for that would be somewhere in the middle or towards the conclusion of the paper.

If I were to write that part of your essay, I would say something like this in the middle part:

In our lives, they say that our friends become an extension of our family. They are the people we turn to first when we experience joy, and they are the first people who notice when something is troubling us. Yes, even before our parents or siblings do. It is that close proximity with one of my friends that led me to the decision to become a Psychologist.

It was in the (name the season / weather) of (year) when my friend Joseph faced a situation in his life that he tried to handle alone. Joseph is the kind of guy who ... (Continue to describe the character of Joseph)... Then one day, after a particularly intense basketball game, I noticed something off about him.

As I slowly unscrewed my water bottle and while I was taking a sip I heard a heavy sigh...

I hope my suggested approach helps you out :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Causes and solutions for increasing average weight in some countries [2]

Junie, the score for this type of writing, as far as I am concerned, should be somewhere around the 6 and above bracket. I am sure that you already understand how the IELTS written tasks are assessed and graded so I don't have to go into greater detail as to why I believe that you deserve that score. Now, some other assessor might score it differently but I do not believe that it will be getting a score lower than 6.

Just keep on doing the practice tests and I am sure your skills will continue to grow. Your grasp of the English language is impressive enough and shows that you have dedicated yourself to the study of the language. That said, it will still take years before you reach the native speaker level of English communication. You don't have to worry though, you are on the right track and should be achieving that status soon.

I hope to see more practice tests from you in the future. You just need to be guided in the proper manner until the day that you have to take the test. I would be honored to continue helping you with honing your written English skills :-)

Undergraduate / Trying to transfer to UT Austin and I am starting to work on my SOP essay [4]

Ashley, do you realize that you wasted more than half the space on the page talking about your basketball game and your friend when you should have been discussing the reason why you want to transfer to a four year college from your current community college instead? The essya is not about the problem that your friend. Whit it is a catalyst for your interest in Psychology, it should have been presented in a more academic summary form instead of as a creative writing part of your statement of purpose.

You could have opened your statement with the following paragraph in a most effective manner:

I have friends whose emotional problems take a toll on their lives. Being a friend who always empathizes with them, I find myself wishing to find a way to help them get over their life humps. However, as a student at Houston Community College, I am not in the proper position to do that. Becoming a Psychologist is a far cry from my original major at that university. Yet, the little hugs, a listening ear, and being their shoulder to cry on has allowed me the opportunity to help them fix their lives by overcoming their problems. I hope to transfer to UT Austin as a Psychology major so that I can continue to help others with emotional trauma and mental burdens on a more professional scale.

Use that as your new opening statement or as a template for your revised essay. Once you fix the opening statement, by immediately explaining the purpose for your transfer, the rest of the information the prompt requires from you should be more easily discussed on your end :-)

Writing Feedback / Discuss different views and show what do you think about fix punishment [5]

Tan, in your opening statement, you should not only restate the prompt but you should also present 2 additional sentences before you state your opinion. You need a sentence each to explain the supporting and opposing views when it comes to the topic of fixed punishment for crimes. An introduction should always contain a summary of the discussion so make sure that all of the key components of the prompt are presented in that paragraph before you continue your independent paragraph discussions.

The essay's general discussion is weak because there is no specification as to whether you are discussing one of the two sets of views, of if you are discussing your opinion from the beginning to the very end. As the prompt dictates, you need to have a 3 paragraph description representing each of the following topics: support for fixed punishment, opposition to fixed punishment, and your personal opinion. I believe that the first 2 are represented in the essay and is lacking the last part, your personal opinion.

Your conclusion is not satisfactory as it is too short and does not offer a complete summary of the discussion, prompt restatement, and a repeat of your personal opinion. All of which as integral parts that should be properly represented in your concluding statement. Thus, your concluding statement is ill effective in delivering your message to the reader.

Undergraduate / "Film? Why do you want to study that?" How did I changed my interest to liberal art [4]

cindy, I can't properly review your revised essay because you did not include the prompt when you posted it. Even if I understand what you wrote, I cannot tell you if were able to respond to the provided prompt in the correct manner. Kindly supply me with the prompt as soon as possible so that I can better review your essay. In the meantime, I will give you an overall review of your essay instead. It will just be general comments regarding the possible problems the essay might have.

For starters, your thesis statement, that is your current first paragraph, should reflect a direct response to the prompt that you were provided. Somehow, I don't feel like your paragraph is leading up to such a reference towards the end. What exactly are you trying to say? You keep talking about why you don't like liberal arts, yet you are applying for a liberal arts degree. So why not discuss instead, why you want to have a degree in that field instead?

What you have to develop is the idea as to why you decided to change the slant of your academic career in college. What is the difference between your interest in the sciences and liberal arts? What attracted you to Liberal Arts? Your reference to Titanic and Steve Jobs doesn't really paint a complete picture for the reader.

Your essay lacks a central theme for discussion at the moment. You need to review the prompt , which you should provide to me as well, and figure out what it wants you to discuss and how you should discuss it. I can probably help direct you towards that once I know what you are trying to or supposed to discuss.

Writing Feedback / The graph provide an information on the fish and different kind of meat consumption among Europeans. [3]

Tan, your essay falls short of the minimum 3 sentence overview summary in the first paragraph. It also comprises only one paragraph at the moment when the expected number of paragraphs ranges from 3 to 5. You also lack a proper conclusion for your essay. You have to revise the essay to reflect the standard criteria in order to even get this to qualify as a standard essay. At this point, the essay does not pass the most important criteria in the grading rubic and will not get a good grade.

Aside from that, you did not provide us with the copy of the image that this report is based upon. We cannot confirm if you provided the correct information in your essay without it. The point of comparison is really important to us. So please upload the image soon. In the meantime, here is a simple grammar review of your essay. I separated it into potential new paragraphs for you to follow in your revision.

The line graph compares the various needs of FOR fish and three types of meat in the European Union over the A period of 25 years.

It is clear that the consumption of chicken rose significantly while the amount of fish experienced a minor change. Consumption of two types of meat, consisting beef and lamb decreaseD steadily from 1979 to 2004.

In 1979, beef was the biggest consumption which WAS consumed AT about 220 grams per person per week. At the same time, the intake of chicken and lamp LAMB was around 150 grams per week and fish consumption was only 60 grams per week by each PER person. From 1979 to 1989, the rate of fish intake remained relatively stable, but the amount of INTAKE FOR THE three types of meat consuming CONSUMED weekly fluctuated.By 2004, the consumption of chicken was highest at around 250 grams per person weekly, compared to about 120 grams of beef, 60 grams of lamb and only 40 grams of fish.

Undergraduate / "Gold, Garnet and Gray" - sharing my story for college application [3]

Cameron, the first part of your essay is really informative. I came to find that I got to know the kind of person that you are because of your personal history. However, it falls short when it comes to discussing your future expectations. As a future college graduate, where you do you see yourself after 4 years? I assume that you are enrolling in a standard 4 year course right? What are your dreams and ambitions for yourself? Imagine your future and share it with the admissions team. They will be interest to learn more about how your past connects to your present, and will continue to influence your future :-)

The essay needs to develop the part about"Describe how you will benefit from our community and how our community will benefit from you. " in a more detailed and developed manner. I don't really get how you will benefit from the community and vice versa. You can normally do this by explaining your extra curricular interests which you can continue to pursue at the university you are applying to. It can be anything from joining the varsity team or joining an existing club or organization, or rallying the student community towards a new cause that you will be spearheading. The way you can develop a response to that instruction is limitless. You just have to imagine what it is you want to do with your spare time in college.

Undergraduate / Short Franklin and Marshall sups: Why F&M/Who would I want to be in a day? [4]

Mai, for the first prompt, take your clue from the way that they discussed that women worked in the capital for one day. That is a historic moment in time that showed and welcomed a temporary social and political change in the country. Therefore, your response should be somewhere along those lines as well. It shouldn't be self centered commentary regarding how being an anonymous street singer can help you on such a minor level. Think big. Imagine what you could do alone during one day that can effect some sort of temporary but noticeable or historic change.

You have a redundancy in your 2nd prompt response:

F&M appeals to me with its unique BOS Department department and College Houses.

Avoid mentioning the class size. Instead, explain why the cross-disciplinary approach is an environment that you feel will benefit you tremendously academically. Also, don't discuss looking forward to the day that you are part of the College Houses. don't waste the word count telling the reviewer something that is not relevant to the prompt. You could end the statement early, short of the maximum word count if you have nothing more relevant to the prompt to say. Just make sure you have said more than the minimum word count.

Graduate / Choosing between two Polymer Engineering (PE) departments - academic statement of MSU [13]

Reformat the essay to follow the chronological order of the questions as indicated on the website. The information you must present to the reviewer should be in the order of importance that he expects to read it in on the page. Right now, your statement about diversity is misplaced. It should take the place of the second addition that you made which is marked in blue at this time. You should conclude the essay with the diversity statement since that is the last question on the list for you. The other 3 questions do not apply to you.

In all honesty, your statement at the end about completing your PhD studies does not have any bearing on the responses that you have provided. A plea for admission by justifying your skills should not be done in such a blatant manner. That is what the list of questions for this prompt is supposed to do, justify the reasons for you admission. It is something that the reviewer will base upon the responses that you have given. Nowhere in the guide questions were you asked why MSU would be a perfect fit for you, so why are you explaining that? Simply provide an answer to the required questions. If it is not part of the question list, then why are you answering it? Your response will best be saved for a more appropriate application essay question. As an MSU masters degree student, you are not expect nor required to respond to college essay level application prompts.

Writing Feedback / 'A shrill cry echoed in the mist' - Descriptive piece inspired by gothic horror [2]

Marleen, I was actually immersed in the story as you told it. I found myself wanting to read on and on. I wanted to learn the secret of the ghostly woman. Will we find out who she is and why she seemed to fear the main character in the story? Will you be giving an even more engrossing explanation as to what is going in? I think that you will do well to include a background reference somewhere in there. While the story is engaging as I said, I found myself needing to learn more about the characters. Where do they come from? Why do they act in a certain way? Is there a curse involved? What is the story behind the dead children's screams? There are so many questions about the story that I feel like you need to lengthen it some more. Don't just conclude it. There should always be closure for the reader.

I am absolutely sure that you will respond to the questions I posed in the story and you will make sure that the conclusion will be just as satisfactory and engaging as the earlier part of the story. At this point, I don't think you should add any more elements to the story as you already need to tie up enough lose ends that exist at the moment. Work towards resolving those loopholes and then look into a satisfactory ending for the story :-)

Writing Feedback / Men have much more leisure time than women. Cambridge IELTS 2 Test 2 Writing Task 1 [4]

Aye, I would cautiously score this a 5 . I am sure I need not explain the reason for that score as your tutor would have already explained the scoring system to you :-) Please note the following problem areas of your essay.

- Again, you need to break up the sentences, the information contained in this paragraph could have easily made another 2 paragraphs if divided properly.

------

You are also missing a proper conclusion in this essay. This is a good first attempt. The mistakes are expected and should be corrected in the next round of practice essays. I hope you show some improvement then. :-)

Writing Feedback / Fossil fuels are not going to last forever and nuclear power is the cheapest alternative - IELTS [8]

Great revision Olem! There are just some grammar concerns that need to be addressed in order to polish the essay :-) By the way, don't forget to always use some keywords from the prompt itself in order to improve your score and prove your understanding of the English language and ability to use the terms properly.

Many countries are interested IN using nuclear power as A main source of ... Because, t They believe many sources in the world which they are used IN USE now will disappear in the future. Therefore, they want to start using AN alternative sources like nuclear power. In my opinion, it is the best alternative as a main source of energy. There are many reasons why they WE should start to have it USE NUCLEAR POWER as soon as possible.

... When they use coals or oil, they are released CO2 and it causes air pollution.
... This situation is so vital to IT IS VITAL THAT WE live without risks for TO animals, humans ...
Some developed countries HAVE establishED some laboratories in (...) do some experiments REGARDING NUCLEAR ENERGY USE. ...

S THE second reason is that it is the cheapest alternative to the other NATURAL sources.
... when they produce ENERGY in their own country.
... employees and it supports the employment rate NEEDS of the country. They may also allow other countries to use this energy. This has improved economy of the country.

...

Bottom line is, the nuclear energy will be our alternative ENERGY SOURCE in the world EVENTUALLY. This energy will be very beneficial for TO our future. I believe this energy makes nature happy WILL HELP CONSERVE NATURE and clean and PRESERVE ANIMAL HABITATS animals , vegetation and humans (...) for the rest of their life LIVES.

Letters / IELTS GT: contact insurance company for the item lost [3]

Rui, I think you are mistaken. this is not an informal letter that you are writing. Rather, this is a formal letter of inquiry. That is why your writing tone is serious, informative, and requesting that an action be taken at the end of it. Actually the letter that you wrote is good. It contains all of the information necessary to get the insurance claim process started. There are just some slight problems with the way you delivered your message in English. While it is understandable, there is a more polished way of stating this letter. For example:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently purchased travel insurance from your company. I am covered under policy number 123456789. Now, I am writing to inquire as to how I can file a claim for the mobile phone that I lost while on vacation in Malaysia. The phone was lost during my bus trip from Melaka to the airport. Inquiries at the bus company have proved futile as nobody turned in my phone to the lost and found. The Malaysian police have already provided me with an Affidavit of Loss should it be required for the claim investigation. The lost phone is a silver Phone 6 with 64 Gig storage capacity. I purchased the phone at the Apple Store in Singapore and I still have the purchase receipt to prove the price and model number should you request to receive a copy as part of the inquiry process.

I look forward to receiving your communication containing the claims procedure and reimbursement forms. I would just like to know if I will be receiving a full or partial refund in this case as my insurance policy seems unclear regarding that part. There was no information regarding that question on your website either.

Your timely help would be highly appreciated.

Best Regards
Tom (indicate your last name for formality sake.)

Writing Feedback / Fossil fuels are not going to last forever and nuclear power is the cheapest alternative - IELTS [8]

The main flaw in your introduction is how you have managed to discuss a topic not even related to the prompt provided. The prompt asks you to agree or disagree with the belief that "Countries should start using nuclear power as their main source of energy; fossil fuels (i.e. coal, oil and gas) are not going to last forever and nuclear power is the cheapest alternative." Therefore, your restated prompt in the introduction should reflect your agreement or disagreement with the statement in the prompt. Instead, your thesis prompt explains that you "In my opinion, governments have to put strict laws to use the nuclear power. " Do you see where the problem is?

The prompt is asking you to agree or disagree with the statement that was provided. Instead, you are discussing the reasons why the government has to use stricter laws when using nuclear power. Where in the prompt is that opinion being asked for? The prompt is clear, all you have to agree or disagree with is the why of either using or not using nuclear power as a future source of energy. You are not supposed to discuss why the government needs to have stricter nuclear power use laws. Your deviation from the prompt ensures that this essay will get a failing mark in the actual test.

Your introduction should have contained your agreement and disagreement with the prompt with your supporting facts presented in the succeeding paragraphs. Had you only worded your final sentence in that paragraph as "I agree that nuclear power will be the best alternative as a main source of energy because it is the cheapest alternative to fossil fuels.", then you would have passed this test.

Even your discussion points cover your idea of government regulation instead of whether nuclear energy should be used or not. The following are your irrelevant discussion points:

1. In my opinion, governments have to put strict laws to use the nuclear power.
2. Even though it has many benefits to the world, this can be dangerous if they use unconsciously.. When nuclear power produces somewhere, governments and employees which they work for producing it, they have to manage well...

3. When producers follow the regulations and laws...

If you write an opinion essay based upon the correct prompt, I am sure that you will be able to pass the test, even if it is only a practice test :-)

Writing Feedback / The Most creative Literature Value Contents Of The Most Beautiful Dreams Of Both The USA And The UN [6]

What subject did you write this essay for? It seems to me that it is lacking a background discussion that will help the reader understand the discussion that was developed in the essay. If it is for music appreciation class, then I understand why there are subject specific terms that exist without an explanation. If it isn't then I believe tha tyou need to make reference to a backgrounder in the essay just to explain to people why this is an important topic and how it is relevant to the world of music, America, and the UN.

The grammar issues in this case, affect the way that you are trying to deliver your message to the reader. your lack of expertise, as this is not even medium level English use, makes the essay difficult to read, understand, and even guess when it comes to what you are trying to say. However, offering the reader a thorough introduction on the importance of the topic should be able to help resolve that situation.

Try to develop certain discussions a bit more because the topic is under developed. Topics such as the "pioneers in as many areas as possible either for a nation or for a person..." need to be threshed out in order to create a connected and relevant discussion on the page. With reference to the URL's that you included in the page, you need to remove those links. Unless you can embed the link in the title of the song or performance, pasting the whole URL just makes the paper more confusing and difficult to read. If you can't make it clickable, then there is no need to include the source video or file.

Writing Feedback / Pablo Picasso once said "the purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off your souls". [2]

You did excellent work in creating an opening statement that lays a solid foundation for your topic thesis. The introduction is interesting int he sense that your overview engaged the intellect and senses of the reader, which takes the place of the anecdotal hook that most students rely on to make their opinion paper interesting.

While I am tremendously concerned about the grammar errors within the essay, I found that these grammar mistakes did not affect the essay in a negative manner. The essence of your discussion somehow made it through and depicted the kind of meaning that you wished to imply. I won't go into detail about the errors and correct them as pointing those mistakes out is not the issue here. The issue is how well you discussed your thesis statement throughout the paper.

The content is strong, relevant, and well cited. It has an authoritative slant because of the reputable sources that your citations were taken from. However, the paper lacks your personal insight on the topic. Unless you were not allowed to use the first person pronoun in this essay by your professor, I don't see why you could not have made a personal reference to to your opinion towards the conclusion of the paper. By adding your personal voice or experience, you add to the authenticity of the discussion and show the reader the reasons as to why you have a strong opinion about the topic being discussed. That said, I would not worry about the kind of grade that this paper would get. It has all of the elements that would get it a pretty decent grade should you have to submit this for one.

Writing Feedback / The Most creative Literature Value Contents Of The Most Beautiful Dreams Of Both The USA And The UN [6]

You need to review your first paragraph. Your first sentence should be divided and turned into three sentences instead of just using commas to separate the statements. As an extremely long sentence, it becomes hard to read, understand, and keep track of. In an academic paper, you should never start a sentence with "Because" since the word connotes an explanation of a preceding thought. Also, who are the record holders? We need their names and the records that they hold in relation to your succeeding discussion of their accomplishments.

Try to vary your opening phrases for your first 3 paragraphs. Redundancy sets in when you have read "The most creative literature value contents" more than twice. It is not only boring to read but also highlights the problem of a limited vocabulary on your part. Something that is further spotlighted by your spelling errors throughout the paper.

Now, I have to say that the information in your paper is interesting to read. However, because the thesis statement of your discussion was not made clear, I am not sure about how to take the information that I have just read. What am I supposed to take away from this discussion and how am I expected to use the information you shared? Try to develop a clear thesis statement in order to respond to those points and present it at the end of you opening paragraph.