Undergraduate / "my goal of becoming a cardiologist" - Columbia supplement [5]


I guess you already submitted this, but I wanted to mention an idea anyway, in case it helps you. "Intellectual thinking and involvement" are very vague. If you don't specify what you mean, it sounds like you are just throwing words around, the words you think the reader wants to hear. If you make a statement like this, it is best to back it up with an example to explain what you mean.

Columbia offers innumerable opportunities that cater to all of my interests, academic or otherwise. ---Here again, it is too vague to be meaningful.

BUT in the second half of the essay you give lots of good examples. I think the second half is very strong... and really, the whole thing is strong. I'm just nitpicking.

:-)

Undergraduate / "diagnosed with leukemia" - Georgetown Short Essay ... activity of most involvement [3]

You can be more efficient here:
I have been most involved in As a member of my school's chapter of Rotary International Interact Club, I __________________.... (You can use this sentence to make a meaningful point.

Although He held on for another year and a half, and now ou r club still sponsors events in his name, and money is donated to other local families fighting the battle of cancer and other childhood diseases.

...and I like for things to run smoothly.

This essay is impressive, mostly because your generous nature is revealed in it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My Father's Story", UC prompt #1, Rough draft [5]

It seems like too many words at the start here:
If there ever was a The story that affected my life the most was not from a book, a movie, or the news. ---I guess this is what I would do.

...twenty-four.
(I don't know if you have a paragraph break here, but I recommend including one if you did not already.)New paragraph:
This story as well as and occasional lectures weaved throughout my childhood has have really made me the person I am today.

And keep the verb tense consistent here at the end:
I must admit I've had those moments too, but then I remembered my father's words and realized ,...

Nice! I think your father probably enjoys this essay a lot. :-)

Undergraduate / "The economy students" - Commonapp 150 word essay - "CAS" [4]

Hi Sebastian,

The name of the topic was changed, probably because the title you gave the thread was not descriptive enough. Please use descriptive detailed thread titles. :-)

I think it could be a little clearer here at the start:

Although I don't study geography, I had a memorable experience as part of an activity with geography students. They went to a small town in Rio de Janeiro called Paraty. The economy students had the ...

The purpose of the trip was to investigate...

The questions asked had to do with pertained to Paraty sustainability. I managed to talk to really nice people ...

This sentence is too long and should be broken into two:
With a friend, I interviewed the manager of the green ...

:-)

Graduate / "a research analyst position in an International NGO" -statement of purpose economics [2]

However, my father, who is an official with in the Environmental Protection Bureau, warned me of the ...

...my interests interest in environmental economics has been further aroused.

Later on, I have enriched my research ...

Although the majority was regretfully only indirectly re lated to environment issues, these research experiences has have on one hand

It seems like one more sentence is necessary at the end of the essay... a sentence to leave the reader with a final thought to consider.

This is very impressive already, though!

Scholarship / Hispanic Scholarship Fund-Describe a recent academic challenge you have faced Essay [3]


Ha ha, do you mean to say there is never a time when Chuck Norris should be mentioned in an admissions essay? I think it is a good way to express the scariness of something. I know what starfire means, but I also think it is an interesting detail.

...like I was fighting a samurai warrior who didn't have a sword.---Ha ha, very good, but it might be even better to continue the Chuck Norris theme:

...like I was Chuck Norris fighting an unarmed opponent.

Ha ha, this is the part that is unprofessional. Maybe you should leave this part out: I jumped for joy and ran around the classroom shouting...l Instead of ending this way, end by reflecting on the significance of what you learned from that guy... the discovery you made that helped you get A's.It was like physics enlightenment. That is a cool theme.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement (Abba and Life's simplicities) [5]

You don't need help. This is a great accomplishment. I only hope tha AO reader is not jealous of your ability to write better than the rest of us!

If I wrote this, I would include some more discussion of medicine, because that is really the "purpose" you are stating... your scholarly pursuit. But I know you alread6y sent this in, and I think it is going to be a winner.

Undergraduate / "I have become more thoughtful and responsible" - College Admissions Essay [5]

which has been become my weekly shift since I was a sophomore. ---or.. which became my weekly shift when...

Captain Marden's is a local hot spot frequented by seafood fanatics and breakfast mavens in my hometown of Wellesley, Massachusetts. It has been a Wellesley institution for nearly 70 years, and is very popular with the locals. I think these details do not help.

With the restaurant only having the capacity to seat 52 people, and consistently having customers lined out the door, my job as a waiter is to get the people what they want as quickly and efficiently as possible.---you could cut those previous details to make room for a meaningful discussion of this experience of dealing with 52 people.

Working twice a for the last four years has also ...let's just say "working" instead of "twice each week."
Use a hyphen: 14 year-old

I know you already submitted, but I wanted to give you these ideas in case they help in the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My brother is caring, intelligent and funny"- Person Who Influenced you [5]

The room freezes (no comma necessary here) for just a second, which stretches on for what seems like hours.

Smiles drop, waiters stop in their tracks, and all conversation seems to cease. and The only noise comes from the yelling boy by my side, the very boy who is now pulling hairs from his...

This boy is my brother, Daniel.----Oh.. I hope you got permission from him before writing this essay about his symptoms.

This essay is interesting, but the insight you express is a little too simplistic. It seems like the first insight one might get in your situation is to appreciate what you can do, but... I think you can dig a little deeper and learn something more. This essay is good, but it has potential to be better if you expound an insight that is a little subtler than just "how fortunate I am."

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal statements emphasizing my accomplishments, educational and career goals [4]

I am going to rewrite this with correct grammar and punctuation. Please practice typing each sentence below a few times so that you can get good habits:

... I wanted to pursue dance as a choreographer, have my own business, and teach kids the value of not just dance but the art that comes with it.

I am currently captain of the drill team at school; it's been This is my second year involved and first year as an officer.

I've been awarded as Outstanding Performer by the "American Dance Drill team". I received this award at officer camp (no comma necessary here) for being...

Dance isn't just prancing around in tutus or ballerina shoes. The re's a lot more to dance then anyone some people realize.
I think this essay gets better and better as you go along. The beginning is not as interesting or meaningful as the end, I think. You have some great ideas!

Undergraduate / "teaching learning, research, or public service activities" - event, UF Essay Help [4]

absolutely just ready to...I think "absolutely just" is overkill... just choose one.

... pack up and go home. But thinking to myself, I knew deep down going home was definitely he last thing I wanted to do.-----You have 2 sentence fragments in a row. Poetic license permits you to do it, but don't do it too much.

Oh, I see that the deadline has passed! Sorry I could not help in time.

I couldn't let everyone down or myself. ---It is better to write: I couldn't cause a letdown for my friends or for myself.

So as my senior came around, the anxiety was soon satisfied. -----it is better to write "alleviated" here.
It would be good to mention these themes, discipline and responsibility, in the beginning of the essay and not just the end.

Undergraduate / "Biology, to answer that question" - Why Georgetown? [3]

Some may see it as a gift for someone special, and others might perceive a nice lawn decoration. But what do I see? I see the wonder that is nature.

reactions interacting ----I think this needs to be revised sighty... Reactions interacting does not seem right.

I see it all---You say you see it, but in order to validate what you say it is imporatnt to tell a little about what you experienced that made you soaware of biology. Was it a particular book you read?

Georgetown University is synonymous with its extensive scientific research---here is anothe sentence that needs to be revised. It can be celebrated for its scientific resource, but it is not synonymous with it.

Okay, some people study bio to become doctors. Others study it to become biologists with particular specializations. I think if you are serious about it you must have a plan for your future work... subjects you want to explore, challenges you want to meet for tbe good of society, etc. So... how about some discussion of your particular niche in the field?

:-)

Undergraduate / Skills from two cultures: Rutgers Diversity Essay [3]

I was intensely disappointed; I had visited India during the summer, and while the vacations had been fun the thought of living there forever was not particularly appealing. ---hahha, I like your writing style, very pleasant to read. Soothing.

I hoped to move back to the USA United States immediately.

In the haphazardness of India, I learned tolerance. ---Very interesting... I am starting to get a sense of this haphazardness, but I think a little more explanation would be great.

So what if the bus was...learned to live with imperfection, to accept that nothing would always run according to plan. India worked without a plan, and so could I.---Oh, I take back my last comment. You explained beautifully.

This is not just a good essay... this is something that belongs in a magazine so all people can share your insight. I'm really impressed. I think you probably have seen Obama's recent speech in India? I have not seen it, but it was interesting for me to read your essay after reading an article about the speech.

Undergraduate / "My Thought"- Common App, Feedback [3]


Pretty cool... pretty interesting intro.

When you do this kind of thing you need a comma on each side:
I was disturbed and quickly relied on my teacher, Ms Jones, for----see what I mean?

I don't think the basketball part was squeezed in...but what you are talkng about is usually what people say is "contrived.." something you had to try too hard to include. But I don't think that is what happened here. But it would be good to include one cool, distinct, memorable phrase at both the beginning and end of this... so that at the end the reader wil recognize something from the beginning.

Undergraduate / "Basketball and other aspects of sport" - Common App Extracurricular Short Answer [6]

I'll make some small changes here:
XXX has the ball; he runs to the arc, and elevates... He hits the three! He did it!!! This has never happened.

hahaha, your knee sold you out. Very good writing here...

A bad injury kept me away from the court months. The experience was painful. However, I did not give up. this part seems too simplistic, but it is okay.

My love for basketball urged me to explore other aspects of the sport. ---This is a great concept.

Basketball did not make me become experience did not lead me to become a professional player, but it made me a stronger person.

Never let obstacles stop you. Kee p your faith, listen to your heart, and success will follow.

Undergraduate / Timely Innovation-What do you see yourself exploring at UPenn? [11]

I think Liz did not mean to say it should be more interesting than this. I think she means she likes it because it is so interesting, and she is warning that some people might not be able to appreciate it.

I appreciate it, though! And I think the AO reader will appreciate this refreshing change from the typical essays they read.

Be careful about the tense here... Whereas I had expected to simply sit in lectures and take notes, I am learning how involved and stimulating the classes at Wharton can be.

It seems to end a bit abruptly. Let's add an idea to that last paragraph, the idea you want the reader to be thinking about after reading.. what would that idea be?

:-)

Undergraduate / "to shed off those fear into art" Transfer Essay to UM [4]

"Everyone makes fun a my drawing. I can't draw, Ms.Sua," said Ji-Yul stressfully on the first day of my Book Art Class.

I knew he loves loved to draw and to sculpt dinosaurs, because I saw him doing s o when he was with his mother in the meeting before class.

This essay demonstrates your great knowledge of the neurological disorders and also your sensitivity and desire to help. I think it is impressive, and it has a clear focus.

That short flashback paragraph needs another sentence or two added to it.

The last para should be clearer about expressing your plans and aspirations. And this sentence is very unclear: Approaching from different perspective, my passion still lies within a circumference of the study of the impact of our society and culture. Let the reader know precisely what you intend to do.

:-)

Undergraduate / "David Buchine taught me" - person who has come into your life, how they affected you [3]

Wow, very interesting...
a meteoroid landing in a hicksville: not to be forgotten, nor taken lightly.-----I got rid of the word "a"

It was not that he was an engineer (her first husband, my grandfather, was an engineer), but by nature of his outlook on learning that ________. ---This weird, arbitrary reference to not being an engineer is unnecessarily confusing, so I suggested a change here.

...my grandmother told me he had been was routinely offered promotions, but he was steadfast with the position he took at the program's onset.

responsibility .
... victim of bureaucracy .

This essay is more than just a well written demonstration of your intelligence. It also is genuinely interesting, and that is a big accomplishment with this kind of essay!

Undergraduate / "I wanted to help others" - show not tell, The Ohio State University Admissions Essay [4]

Imagine when you were being a child and counting down to a different surgery every fewmonths.

...going to The Ohio State University would will help me achieve that.

You did show a terrible experience as a child, but you did not show your intentions, your plans.

Google this: imagery words list
That will help you to "show," in general. But to show your intentions, give a few sentences at the end about specific efforts you want to make in specific settings... and tell about some professors and resources at Ohio State that will empower you in specific ways. :-)

Undergraduate / "I'm dying, winning, swimming" - Common App Essay [3]


This is a great expression! It takes a cliche and makes it cool. "Living" on top of the world is interesting to the mind...

Brilliant... I like how it creates tension with quitting the team and then brings some vibrancy back to the essay with dialogue from the kid. This is something that many readers will really appreciate... a read accomplishment, because of the way it leads the reader's attention and puts images in the mind.

Quadrumvirate will always be an awkward word, but it is great here!!
The words "dying" in the intro are dramatic, but not too bad. They make the essay seem negative, and they make it confusing. I would not use the references to dying, but if you already sent this essay out don't worry, because I am just nitpicking!

Undergraduate / "Diversity is not only about race" - a contribution to the school. Intro-question [5]


That is good advice for any essayist.

Here is an example:
As I think of diversity and what it means to me, I think of Diversity among us should be characterized by equality that is seen and should be seen by every eye.

As Maya Angelou quoted stated, "We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must...

I think this sentence would be a great first sentence of the essay. ----->I would contribute to the effervescent Rutgers community because of the activities I take part in, the values I hold, and because of the experiences I have been through.---And you should name some of the experiences.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- The freedom of expression, no government restrictions [5]

Here is a run on sentence. It needs a conjunction:
This is because human rights are acknowledged by society, and therefore various artists have ...

Although some artists insist these contents are one of expressions of the art, these aggressive scenes negatively impact on people.

... acceptable in the real situation situations.

...must be limited to a certain extent at certain stage to protect children from unexpected abuse and crime.

:-)

Undergraduate / "To do math, to continue my research" - describe course of study UPenn Supplement [3]


I don't know which is the correct prompt, but I'm going to give some ideas that I hope are useful...

The thought of me using numbers to paint a picture on a bare canvas, the though of using numbers to show growth or decline.

However, I am only sixteen years old .

I found a positive correlation with my peers' Body Mass Index (BMI) and the rate of vending machine use which increased during lunch time often they use the vending machines. ---This is not surprising, but it is very impressive for a teenager to use correlative research.

Especially at the end here, iceui2 is correct. Be more specific: In order for me to achieve my goals I need an education and a community that will give me valuable tools. I need Penn.------Replace the words "achieve my goals" with the words that describe specific goals. Like this:

In order to ________, _________, and ____________, while keeping my options open and broadening my perspective, I need an education and a community that will give me valuable tools ...need to join the students in the XXXXX program at Upenn.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Being an Indian American" - favorite books, films - essay for University of Chicago. [3]

No need for "have" here:
Even though I have lived ...

However, it is indeed a good word to use here: Being an Indian American, I have woken up to...

Usually, I do not like the use of many modifiers, but this is a great phrase: wonderfully meaningful melody.----Ha ha, I like it... very clever.

My love for music was born the day I listened to the Beatles for the first time.---This sentence seems like an abrupt subject change. I recommend adding a short sentence to the end of the first paragraph that includes the term "love of music." That will ease the transition into para #2.

:-)

Undergraduate / "involved in a motoring incident" - a significant experience- COMMON APP FOR HAVARD [6]

In my own perspective humility was only portrayed by those who are retarded.---Retarded is a bad word to use. Also, it reflects SO negatively on you that you thought it was retarded to be humble. I advise against this sentence.

Use italics or quotes:
My mum would always tell me, You had better ...
My mum would always tell me, "You had better ..."

I recommend taking out the whole first paragraph and using the extra space to write an additional paragraph at the end... to show what it all amounted to, what you plan to do with your life. And I really think you should not be so self-critical. I think all people who are super intelligent experience conceit sometime during their process. It is everyone, not just you. You are different because you have gained the precious insight that snapped you out of it, and that is what you should focus on... and don't use the word retarded in the essay! :-)

Undergraduate / "Smiling Leader" - help on my essay, UC Personal Statement [5]

...had much more meaning then than the physical changes they represented.

... and it involved was the absence something that should be...

However, I found myself developing strong friendships with each of my classmates, and before I knew it, kids were saying hi to me outside of class. ----This is a very strong part of the essay. If you decide to be a professional writer (something I think you could do well), I hope you use this excellent attention to detail -- the absence of a smile, noticing other kids saying hi... these are great details.

As John F. Kennedy once said, "Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other." --- (I crossed out "once," because "once said" is an overused cliche.

This is one of the best essays ever.

Undergraduate / "moved from Cambodia to the United States" - UC Prompt [3]

I myself even believed that I was mentally challenged.
Even I believed that I was mentally challenged.

Well, everyone is mentally challenged. I am good at grammar, but I have no sense of direction. Check out Gardner's "multiple intelligences."

This is such a well structures sentence: By tenth grade, I was out of the ELD Program, and my pride fulfilled me for a while, but I craved for more. ---It is hard to believe you learned English as a 2nd language! You learned well...

From F's to A's and ELD to Academic Decathlon was a long walk, but I am not tired. ---another awesome sentence...

It kind of sound awkward, doesn't it ?---what?! No, not awkward... it is complex but grammatically correct and also... rhythmic.

Undergraduate / "an impact in people's lives" - SUNY Nursing school entrance essay [4]

This is very good. I guess I want to find ways to trim it down... like this:

I believe the qualities that will enable me to perform effectively as a student include determination, responsibility, and enthusiasm for learning. I believe my educational past speaks for my ability to persevere and the motivation that I have to excel in everything I undertake. In order to achieve the success in both work and school, I had to be very focused and possess ---The part I crossed out does not really carry much meaning to the reader. They are just claims. But this part... In order to achieve... ---this part is great.

Here is another place i feel the same way:
While nurses are an important asset of the healthcare industry in the United States, within a global context, the potential for nurses to address and improve global health care is tremendous. Nurses wear many hats, but one ...

:-) good luck!!

Undergraduate / "Snowflake" - Common App essay-describe the influence of a person [6]

She sits peacefully in a red arm chair as I run my hand through her hair searching for mutants. -----wow, okay, I'm listening...

Hey, you never helped me to understand why you were searching for mutants!

Here is a place where the verb tense changes:
I hear a little snore and look down at her face with surprise. I lifted my hand to ----- choose present or past tense, and keep it consistent. :-)

This is a very well written story.... :-) But why were you looking for mutants?

Undergraduate / Spacing, characters, word limit my personal statement? [8]


I don't know, but it seems short.

Probably it includes spaces. Anyway, if they are unclear, it is not your fault. If I ever gave someon a character limit, I would specify whether I meant to include spaces. If it was my application, I would write it with 80, not including spaces, and if they have a problem with it they are morons and I don't want to go to their stupid school anyway.

Just get beyond this, and get inspired!

:-)

Undergraduate / What do you see yourself doing at UPenn? Chinese perspective. [2]

...I have an abundant amount of work that must be...

use a comma for a compound sentence:
I have always been interested in medicine, and the ...

That first paragraph has too much in it. I think it is best to end it sooner so that the reader can easily identify your main idea.

And at the end, the conclusion is flimsy. It is good if you establish a clear main idea at the end of a 4 or 5 sentence first paragraph and then reflect meaningfully on it in the conclusion. Ask yourself what the main message to the reader might be, and then add a little to the conclusion to make your point.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Inspiring others" University of Florida - Application Essay [4]


I don't mean to suggest that you cannot be better... just that this part of the essay will be stronger without that little phrase tacked on.

I decided I wanted to bring more of old Russia, such as St. Isaac's Cathedral to other people. -----This seems to be a theme, but you never mention it again in the rest of the essay.

Anyway, I know you already submitted this... it is impressive! I am just giving my comments, for whatever they are worth.

Undergraduate / Unspoken standard? Inquiry about Common App Activity essay [6]


hahahah, no, not an unspoken standard. It's a challenge. The part of the application about writing tests whether you can write well, and many people need to be challenged to achieve brevity.

But 150 is not a lot of words...

"briefly elaborate"--- yeah, good call, that is an oxymoron.

Well, I see that you are a language person, so just do it. If I challenged you to do it in 10 words I would expect you to be able to do it.

Water polo? Well... it will be good to include a few different activities and most importantly a theme, a memorable concept.

Undergraduate / The Laughing Man/Stand By Me - Compare/contrast essay [2]

The Laughing Man, by Jerome David Salinger and the film Stand By Me, the movie share...

As you get into advanced writing, you'll learn about conventions of style, including APA's rule to use words for numbers below 20 and numerals for numbers above:

As the 4 four boys returned ----it looks nicer, anyway.

Use a comma to separate the quoted stuff: ...really establish close relationships with the other boys, "when...

That conclusion needs another sentence or two. The conclusion is what the whole thing amounts too! Make it meaningful.

:-)

Undergraduate / (Computer Science Engineering - transfer) + (Being different - quality) - UC essays [3]

This is impressive from the start.
For this second paragraph, though, look at how much more impressive it will be if you chop the first sentence:---
As a little kid, playing video games on the computer was one thing that I loved to do. When I finished with 6th grade and aced...

That is such a stronger start for the paragraph.

Couple years later, my family moved to the United States and started a new life.---you should probably use "A couple of years..."

I began to realize that computers weren't made for merely entertainment purposes---- think this is still okay, even if you cut out that sentence about little kid games.

When I was home, I was afraid when someone knocked the door to ask for something. ---This is a great detail, the kind of detail that makes good writing.

Majority of the shows I watched were children shows.--Another great detail, but this is like the sentence with "Couple." You need "A" at the beginning.

A majority of the shows I watched were children shows.
or you can use the:
The majority of the shows I watched were children shows.

:-) I think you did a great job.

Undergraduate / Edmund Gosse: Father and Son vs Michael Ondaatje: Running in the Family COMPARISON [2]


I guess I have to criticize this for being a cliche. "Time changes everything."---You hear people say this all the time, so I think you should find a different way to express the same idea when you start your essay.

Oh, I know what to do!
Time is something that changes everything; t With time, memories fade, ideas reform, and society changes its expectations.

That is a good way to start it.

The essay has lots of good examples, but I encourage you to add 1 or 2 sentences to the conclusion paragraph. In that conclusion, there is no reflection or evaluation, just statement of fact. So... add one more sentence! :-)

Undergraduate / "Snowy Struggles" - Common App Essay [4]

Let's use a comma here:
...occurrence in Rhode Island , and what is even more common is the amounts it receives. ----use a comma for a compound sentence.

You wrote about boring things, but you wrote so well that it is still good! However, here is an idea for transforming this:
Create some tension at the beginning by making the reader wonder. Instead of starting with the boring word "snow," start with this:
The snow blower formula. It's funny to think that...(and revise this intro para so that it introduces that intriguing idea.)

You can make the essay intriguing by giving the reader something to wonder about. And of course the best thing to let them wonder about is the theme of the essay. That way, as they figure it out, they are deeply affected by your writing.

Undergraduate / "the Innovative Conceptual Engineering Design" - Common App- one of your activities [3]

Let's use enabled here:
This program allowed enabled me to ...

and let's use the active voice here... I'll add an action verb:
... and NASA's Senior Scientist Lawrence H. Kuznetz, I was grouped worked with other brilliant students from across the nation and was ...

Awesome, congratulations, I guess you are what people call an "overachiever." :-)

Undergraduate / "Happiest when I'm walking down my road barefoot" Letter to Roomie--Stanford [3]

Hi. How are you? I'm Emily McDonald. All these are okay but unnecessary. It is better to streamline and cut these out.

I'm from Romulus, NY,---Wow, does that make you a Romulan? That is a race from Star Trek. I wish I could say I was a Romulan.

I think you did a nice job with this, but you are missing an opportunity. This is an opportunity to SHOW them that you are serious about your studies by describing to your roommate several key intentions you have for the next 2 years.. intentions that are based on your career goals.

Show them that you are among those rare kids that really spend a lot of time thinking about their future and how they will make a difference in this world. You don't have to say it that way, but... it would be good to talk a little more about your intentions, your goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Coolio. My Hippy physics teacher." - Michigan Admissions Essay #2 [3]

Although, originally, I was not interested in the task, You already expressed this.
I realized that if I were to hope to obtain a decent grade on the project, I would need to put a significant amount of time into it. not important enough to say.

I immediately adverbs are yucky.

I began to research Rube Goldberg machines, and what I found was remarkable. Dozens of...----This is how I would begin that paragraph. It is not necessarily the best way, but it is my idea for you.

I like the fact that you are being decisive about this as a career goal. (Remember that you can have multiple careers.) Fix this typo, though!------>Then it hit me: I this could be my career.

:-)