Essays / Advantages & Disadvantages of COMPUTER GAMES; "foundation English level 2" [9]


In the 21st century, advancement of communication and information technology made a huge impact on the life-styles of people and computer games have become one of such new additions in their daily routine.


The numbers of players have been rapidly increasing during past few years with high level of availability of the computers and easy accessibility of internet.



This is ok, but I think the biggest issue with playing games is "addiction". The children waste time without their knowledge. Also, most of these games indirectly encourage people to engage in harmful things. That's bad.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Doctor nurses and teachers should be paid more than celebrities [7]


.... why you refer to jobs here? It would be more effective if you leave out that word;
Healthcare is one of the most important sectors in a society and it needs to be given due care for ensuring the well being of the people.


... Compared to the people in other professions , doctors get the highest regard by many.
You display good writing skills. Wish you all the best !

Writing Feedback / Growing traffic and pollution issues; 'formulation of proper road traffic' [8]


.... I think this is not a strong sentence to open your essay. Your introduction needs to introduce the topic and whatever you write need to have a close relevance for this topic. For example;

Today, traffic congestion and environmental pollution have become great threats to the world that disturb the lives of people. .... this has more relevance to your topic. You need to always keep a good alignment with the topic, otherwise your essay would be boring and you may tend to go out of topic.


.... breed is not the appropriate word for this idea.... "cause" is a better word.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Alternate solution for energy crisis - Nuclear energy? [4]


... world is the subject and it is a singular word.


I guess you better write something like;
In conclusion, I feel that xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Take for example, the latest disaster Fukusima ... Good example!
These source can also solve the environmental issue which is the biggest drawback of the nuclear power .... this sentence is confusing to me; it does not give a clear idea to the reader :(

Overall a good essay ! You have the right essay structure; good reasons and more than everything you provide good examples for your reasons.
Wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Television & Movies influence our lives both negatively and positively [3]


.... let's improve this slighlty ;)
There is no doubt that peoples' behavior is heavily influenced by the television and movies. Such influences can be both negative or positive.



Good essay.... when is the exam?

Writing Feedback / The disadvantages of small towns; Social life, educational opportuinities [3]

Well... this looks like a writing for IELTS or TOEFL speaking task. If it is so, then it's ok. However, if this is for a writing task, then you need to pay attention to your structure. You need to have at least 4 paras that include introduction, 2 body paras and the conclusion.


The first problem is that you have very limited opportunities with regard to education.


This is what I suggest;
Small towns struggle with their limited resources and capacities to offer better educational opportunities such as skilled and experienced teachers, advance infrastructure, enhanced curriculum..

Letters / Intelligent,Sociable&Goal-Seeking; Recommendation letter-Master program from a prof [4]


I have know Ms **** since yyyy in the capacity of her lecturer for Foundations of Management and Foundation of Marketing classes.


.... Sorry...it's a mistake on my part in my previous suggestion .... a typo :(


She was also rated among the top 1% students at St Petersburg University of Humanities and Social Sciences.


She is capable of handling several simultaneous tasks very efficiently and effectively.

Essays / A HOUSE MADE OF MEMORIES; Descriptive Essay [5]



... that part makes your sentence too crowded;
Despite the fact that she had a water filtering system which my mom bought for her, she never used it.



...nice sentence :)



My grandma was short, small in stature and beautiful. My mom resembles her a lot.

Scholarship / 3 Associates Degrees from Pueblo CommunityC; SCHOLARSHIP- CU Boulder/ ACCOMPLISHMENT [3]


There is nothing wrong with this sentence. However, you can present it more creatively; I mean you can tell this with more emotions and feelings through your experiences. For example;

I still remember how delighted I was on my high school graduation day; it was the day I was awarded with three Associates Degrees from Pueblo Community College.

This is just an example and I'm sure you can improve it lot more because you have the first hand memories of what you felt that day.

You need to present your answers more creatively because your application matters a lot for winning this scholarship and therefore it should stand out others. The selectors need to remember you out of all other candidates :)

Undergraduate / "Education is a social process; Education is growth" - UT / Personal Essay [4]


.... No harm removing those two words to avoid repetition


My suggestion;
The five and half years that was taken for their separation left me with painful memories of heart breaks, physical and verbal abuse that strained my relationship with them severely.


Despite these hardships and emotional disturbances that took over ten years for me to reconcile with both my parents, my courage, perseverance and strong backing from the sisters helped me realize that I should not give up my studies under any circumstances.

Very interesting and you've done a good job!
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / People have become overly dependent on technology. What's your opinion? [6]


.... You can improve this better;
Rapid advancement of technology has made a great impact on peoples' life-styles. ....Now you can move on to the second line :)


... good :)


Housewives nowadays are not any longer the ones to what that this term used to refer in previous eras. ... hmmmmm...nice idea :D
Good essay; good ideas+good structure + good vocabulary :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Average GDP in globalizers & non-globalizers (GRAPH) [4]

Why don't you upload your graph? It's easy for others to comment if they can view it.


.... Sounds great :)


..., in 1990 the wealthy countries have recorded a GDP growth of 4.7%.
I can feel that you have done a remarkable job, though the graphs are not available for any verifications :P
Good Job and Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Brought up in a village or a city [3]


Many people believe that raising children in cities help them meet their educational requirements better while others prefer the countryside for their children's education claiming that they are less corrupted and less polluted.


.... It's always good to express your idea direct;
I believe children need a quality education as it is the best investment that parents could make for them. The colleges in the city are better options in this regard while the schools in rural areas also have their pluses.

Good Essay and Good luck!

Writing Feedback / technology raise awareness; Young people are more aware of issues.. [4]


This introduction has a great potential to improve on;
Nowadays, the world faces issues such as polluted environment, poverty, extinction of species that had never been taken place at the rate they now do in previous eras. Some believe the young people today are much more aware of these issues and also they are concerned about them in contrast to the people of previous generations. I too agree with this view.


Globalization is one of the key reasons how young people get themselves updated with these issues. Globalization brought the world together with the means of advance technology and this helps young people to get information around the globe almost instantly.

Graduate / Chalmers,a well-known school;Letter of Motivation-Master in Quality & Operations Mgmt [4]


Hmmmmmmmmm... a tricky issue :D
.... I think you better mention about this at the beginning and apply it differently. You replace the "home country" by your local community. However, make a note of it before you start your real essay :)

Improve the tone, improve its presentation and don't loose the focus on you. Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Ice Sculpture Hero----National University of Singapore Undergraduate Essay [2]


Ice sculpture is what Harbin is well known for its expertise and what was instrumental in changing my world.


....
And I found myself quite behind the outstanding students in my class.


.... you were talking about real life scenarios and why suddenly came up with fictitious or unknown characters?


This is what I suggest;
My "just average" character keep bothering me a lot and I often wondered what would my position be in this world. I knew I wanted to be someone great in my dreams.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay 2 Achieving good health and fitness through physically demanding sports [3]


"busy lifestyles"


.... this sentence is confusing, especially the latter part :(


Therefore I firmly believe that people should give proper attention to their health.
Well... your introduction fails to convey your ideas clearly... I think you better re-do it.... Introduce the topic clearly and express you view on the argument direct. You have not talked about the two sides of the argument adequately in the introduction. Tell both sides and then tell which side you take!

Graduate / "I woke up with an acute pain in my neck; Public Health-Nutrition(MASTERS)- PS [7]


... Sure :)


.... This is not wrong, but sounds like more or less a statement. It is more effective if you said this through some experience. Tell something about this program that particularly drew your interest. Always have you in the center. Also your tone would appeal their attention, so get rid of the style of making statement; talk through your experience and have more creativity in your writing... If you polish your first para a little bit, post it here and I'll give my feedback again :)

Undergraduate / 'Varna za mladite' & volunteering initiatives; AUBG /Global perspective [3]


I first learned about AUBG when I listened to a student who had been invited to our class to talk about the university, its courses and the admission process.


I was quite amazed to learn that there is such high standard university in Bulgaria with an excellent academic staff representing many corners of the world.


I wish you improve the tone of your essay... Add more emotions and feelings to your writing to make it sound more interesting.

Graduate / "ripple" MPH SOP Health Policy & Management [3]

Yea... here it comes ;)
Well.... it sounds very interesting and you are a good writer. I only wish if you include a little more details about your credentials and experience to give them more confidence that you are ready to take up this course.

Overall, it sounds great :)
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / "It's never too late to change" ; TRANSFER -UTexas at Austin- SOP [9]


.... you better express what profession you are really eyeing on, be specific because it would sound that you are pursuing a definite goal.


Well... your writing seems alright. Only thing is that you need to improve your tone to make it more appealing. Add more emotions and feelings :)


I'd suggest that you start telling them how your passion developed and then how you pursued it. At that point you can tell them about your credentials and experience. Then tell them what you expect to achieve at UT Austin and how it's contributing to your short and long term goals.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Knowledge without Experience is not fruitful! [4]

android21 has provided you with an excellent feed back! :)


... " acquire" is a better word that goes with knowledge :)


It is "people from all walks of life" and not "all walks of people".



This is a weak sentence.... I guess you can present it better;
Without experience we cannot face problems effectively.

Graduate / I always seek new challenges!; Research Assistant (MS) Petroleum Engineer- SOP [6]


.... Let's give a try!


I am pretty adventurous and my curiosity never ends. These personality traits naturally advented my love for engineering, a discipline that requires a person to be more analytic, logical, creative and innovative.

Also rather than talking about your academic achievements in the very first para, I guess you talk about some experience to conform that you have a great passion for engineering. That line should be followed after the one above :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS A 2 "Are violent games responsible for the increased violence in major cities" [7]


This is not wrong, but I prefer the word, "contributoary" for this idea.
Your introduction flows beautifully up to this point;


.... I feel you should align your opinion with the topic more;
Therefore, I do not fully agree with the fact that increased crime rates are a resulted only by children playing violent videao games.



... you give two reasons to support your argument. However, you don't provide specific examples for them. You'd cetainly earn marks on specific examples. My suggestion is to restrict your reasons to just one reason per para and then provide a specific example for that reason. This would help you manage time and earn marks both :)

Good writing !

Essays / Memorable day in my childhood - funniest and the most amazing day of my life [2]



I think you should not repeat the word "memorable".


I wish you said this more simply;
However, the memories do not always make you happy.


Some incidents leave you with so painful memories that you would try hard to forget but still you would fail.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Effects of Technology on traditional role of classroom teacher [4]


Well.... your prompt ask it directly from you and you need to explicitly express your personal view on the argument. So it's direct :)
Also, in modern English, passive voice is sort of discouraged though it is again important to use whenever appropriate, specially it helps a lot when we do report writing. When you use direct speech, you can express your ideas more clearly and the read can comprehend them more easily. In this task, however, I think you are supposed to express your view and I dont understand why one would say it is not a good practise.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task 2: Choose a job that you love,rather than the one with high salary [4]


"majority" is singular
Pay more attention to clarity of sentences .... This is my suggestion;
Today, the majority of people hold the view that one must be passionate about his or her career. However some believe that it is the salary what matters the most when choosing a career. However, I support too the former idea because I think job satisfaction plays a more important role than than a high salary for one to be happy with his or her career.

Writing Feedback / 'Children learn at home the basic values of life such as love, respect, honesty' [3]




... You need to incorporate this line in the previous paras.
"While" is a connector so you need to have another idea here if you use "while".


... this too should come in this introduction
Your introduction should include an introduction to the topic and your opinion.
Try the 4 para structure; Introduction (topic + opinion), 2 Body paras ( reason for your opinion + specific example), Conclusion

Writing Feedback / Group Study promotes sharing ideas and knowledge, correcting faults, learning communication skills [4]

What's the purpose of this writing? IELTS or TOEFL?
In any case, I think your introduction is not powerful. You need to introduce the topic to the reader and then state your opinion. Your essay should not reflect a direct answer to a question. It should systematicaly flow as to arouse interest of the reader.


This does not sound a specific example to support your reason that you can learn better when you study in a group. Find a specific example;

When I study in a group I can share the material such as tutorials and lecture notes even if I miss a class.

Writing Feedback / Vaule of Money & Hardwork: work experience [9]

Well... this forum is meant for helping each others' essays by providing feed back and editing the parts of essays. We do not undertake writing full essays for anyone. So, I can certainly help you with your essay once you do your draft and post it here :)

Start a new thread under that topic and post your essay there. Make sure you post it to the Writing Feedback Forum. That's my pet forum and it's very unlikely that I miss an essay there :D

Google for points and do a little bit of research on your own before writing :)

Essays / Origins, Cultures; Hinduism and Buddhism- COMPARE & CONTRAST [2]


Well you need to first have a rough sketch of your essay structure; You need an introduction to start with . Introduce the two religions (you can talk about their birth, founders, places where their followers live etc. Then begin to compare. Dedicate a separate para for highlighting their similarities, then another para for their differences. You need to do a little bit of research for this. If you present it right, it'll turn into a great essay.


Well both these religions were originated in India. In fact Lord Buddha was a Hindu before he founded Buddhism.


.... this is not an appropriate way of writing a research paper. Try to rephrase!
I'm a Buddhist too... So I'd love to keep a track with this essay :D

Writing Feedback / Old men live with young people or in the clubs? discuss. [3]

I guess the purpose of this writing is for IELTS or TOEFL.... If so you need to pay more attention to your essay structure. You need to have at least a 4 body para essay with Introduction, 2 Body paras and the Conclusion.


..."taking care of" is the more appropriate way


My suggestion;
Some people argue that immediate family should take care of elderly family members by having them in the family atmosphere while others believe having separate homes for the elderly people with the facilities required to take care of them is a better solution for this issue.

Undergraduate / My goal was simple;reach the summit of Mountain Fansipan; SMU / Important Achievement [4]


.... Well... I too agree... this reads like an account of what you experienced. You need to have more emotions and feelings for sure because that's the way you can creatively present this.

I feel you can merge all three paras into one because they are all explaining your experience.
Also I feel you should tell the experience first and then tell them what you learned out of it and how important it is for your life.

Graduate / I always seek new challenges!; Research Assistant (MS) Petroleum Engineer- SOP [6]


This is your opening sentence and therefore it needs to be presented with a punch. This is not organized properly and sounds a bit crowded.


... I feel you should improve its presentation, it needs to flow more logically. Also you should not tell them the things they already know.... This is what I suggest for these two lines.

I am pretty adventurous in nature and my curiosity never ends. This is the reason why I'm so attracted to the discipline of Engineering.


.... I think this sentence sounds bit repetitive.... It may read better without this line

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: an enjoyable job or a well-paid job [2]

If you search you may find here many essays under this topic. So get some points by reading them. This IELTS task requires you to write at least 4 paras including the introduction, two body paras and the conclusion. In the introduction, you need to introduce the topic to the reader and then state your opinion very clearly. For example;

Some people look for a job that pays them well and they would not mind whether it generates a great satisfaction for them. Some others are satisfied with even a low payment if the job satisfaction is great. In my view,I believe that job satisfaction is the most important factor in a job.

So here, you are supporting the job that is enjoyable. Then give your first reason as to why you believe so in the first body para; then support it with a specific example;

First, it is important for a person to enjoy the work he or she does. When you are passionate about what you do, it derives a great happiness and satisfaction that keeps a person always motivated. However, if a person finds that his or her job is very boring and monotonous, he would be frustrated even if he is paid a great salary. For example, a musician would not be happy doing a managerial job in a bank because he has no passion for that. Even if the job pays very well, he would still want to continue as a musician.

Likewise, you need to write the second body para with the second reason and support it with a specific example.
Finally write the conclusion by summing up everything you said above.

Undergraduate / A troubled teenager; Person who had an impact on my life [5]


I'm talking about a woman who proved that hard work and determination can win any obstacle or hardship in life. -------------------- though you dont specifically say that she showed you this, it is implied.


This person is no other, but my beloved mom who shaped my character into be the one I'm today.


This sentence is not very clear... the dad's part is not clear and who provided you with a home?



... this is not clear too....better rephrase!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The factors that contribute for happiness [4]


"get happiness" does not sound very appealing. "Happiness" generally goes with "find happiness" .... Also try to present your ideas in a more simple, yet interesting way... "nobody" and "not" get the reader to shake his head and find out what you mean. I think it's good for you give less work for the reader :D

.... For example,
Everybody seeks happiness and nobody wants to be unhappy.


... good!


.... "lonely" is the right word which means feeling lonely




... also link this idea to your topic;
The lonely people think they'd be happy when they find company; the poor would day dream of having wealth thinking that it would make them happy.


... this is not a good sentence.... it's pretty confusing :(

Essays / For Significant Experience Can I Write about My School Educational Tour? [12]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.... sorry for my delayed reply :D


... I think you shouldn't dedicate a full sentence for this idea. Why not couple it with the next line?


Every time when I talk about my birth place, Nepal, I cannot help talking about the beauty of snow-topped Mount Everest with the dazzling sunshine glaring down from a cloudless sky.


.... I feel you better shorten this description because your emphasis should more be on your personal experience. So this is what I suggest;
[i]Being predominantly a Hindu country, Nepal appreciates co-existence of diverse communities and religious followers such as Muslims, Christians and Buddhists. Although many youth tend to imitate western cultures I wanted to be different and contribute my share to protect our rich culture and traditions.[/i]

Writing Feedback / IELTS; SPACE VS MALNUTRITION- Which is more important? [5]


well... may not be in the near future ;)


My suggestion;
At the same time, many people die of starvation and it is worthy to spend such money to help them escape from such terrible fates.


I believe that both aspects need to be given fair consideration.
Good introduction :)
Good writing too :)

Undergraduate / child trafficking as a form of marriage, Whitman essay [6]


.... I changed punctuation to comma!


She was silenced with a slap on her face.


[i]Such conservative upbringings make these people to be blindfoldedly follow such unethical traditions that result in having innocent females being sold as brides as a source of income for their families.[/i]