Undergraduate / Concept of Ying Yang in economics; Cornell TRANSFER, why economics? [10]



You have beautifully presented every aspect of your major ( the first part is answered very cleverly and so is the second part too) . I'm talking about the third part (in bold letters). Your answer is fine, but I wish to see it on par with other sections of your essay. I guess you can be a little bit more specific about the courses and facilities it offers (or even their academic staff) in alignment with your interests and future goals. Talk about what they offer and link them with your own intentions... My suggestion does not mean that what you've written is bad.... It is in hope of seeing another great para :)

This is very well written and I enjoyed reading your answer :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)Average monthly temperatures and rainfall in the city of Kolkata [2]


.... I guess "Overall" is a better way to start since these are sort of reports that have a more formal approach :)

Hope you try the way I suggested for your second and third paras.

Overall, a great attempt and great finsih :)



... now you are talking about the trends by looking at the graph. So better use present tense :)
Hope you managed withing the target time :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Does the ease of cooking improve life? [2]


Has improved/ Does improve


Food is a basic essential and without food no one can survive.
What's the purpose of this writing? IELTS or TOEFL? If so, you need to follow the appropriate structure ... Also you need to back your reasons with exmaples :)

Undergraduate / My great great grandfather the president. Write about a person who impacted your life [5]


[i]as the president of El Salvador from xxxxx to yyyyy[/i]


He had been a charismatic leader who had great patience and tolerance, especially during the most stressful times in his presidency.


I dont get your idea.... I feel you better re-phrase this line.
You need to tell in more detail as to how he influenced you as a person. What was his contribution in shaping you?

Undergraduate / Concept of Ying Yang in economics; Cornell TRANSFER, why economics? [10]

Awesome.... I love your writing style.... excellent :)

Here I see a slight drop in the punch you give with previous paras. Wish you keep the same momentum. I feel this is one of the most important paras in your essay as the admission guys would want to know exactly why you are keen on this transfer. So it's worth having more emphasis on this para :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)the numbers of workers in 1975 employment sectors of the Freedonia. [4]


As a hint, I would suggest you to have standard set sentences that you can straight throw as you start answering. For example;
The graph illustrates xxxxxxxxx (topic + two variables)

Overall it can be observed that yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy (now give details, but don't lengthen this too much for the first time; you do it short and move on to the next para; the most important thing is that you have all expected features in your writing... once you finish the full essay, comeback here if you have time and write more details, but don't let this part to be sticky that may probably have you running out of time )

The trends suggest zzzzzzz
Don't worry.... you are now almost near perfection ... you'll do great at the exam ...GOOD LUCK!
Also, once you finish the exam, come here and help others with your experience....I can see that you put lots of effort for this exam and I'm sure you'll have the results :)

Good luck again!

Scholarship / I never wanted to settle for "better"; STUDY PLAN FOR SCHOLARSHIP (CHINA) [4]


Great start .... well said :)



... "exceptional" is a fine word to use here... I also prefer if you couple it with "authentic" or "unique" because it's worth mentioning :)


You write extremely well... Wish you good luck with the scholarship !!

Undergraduate / "It's never too late to change" ; TRANSFER -UTexas at Austin- SOP [9]

In my opinion, this does not add much value to your SOP. The admission guys need to know you better. This fact is well implied by the prompt. So, you should be the subject of this statement and you need to talk about yourself otherwise they know nothing about you. They need to know you as a person; how your passion developed for your major, your purpose in graduate study, area of study in which you wish to specialize, what you aim to do in future with this learning etc. etc. :)

Undergraduate / I learn so much more when I teach someone; Extracurricular Essay on Peer Tutoring [11]


Sorry about the delay.... there's so much to do here :D
Okkkkkkkkk... as I said before, you've already got a good framework; you have all the points that this answer should contain. But you tend to make statements where you can tell them through your own experiences that add more emotions and creativity to your writing and also make those guys convinced about your genuineness.For example;


.... this you can say;
She needed more than fifteen minutes to solve a very basic math problem and I still remember how my patience was put on test. However ,... (now tell what you learned from this experience)

Also, I find this link may be helpful for you to further improve your answer;
//collegeapps.about.com/od/essays/qt/short-answer-essay.htm
You've already done a good job!
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Vaule of Money & Hardwork: work experience [9]

Hi,
You can write well, but your answer is not aligned with what they expect from you. You need to talk about a specific work experience. You have only mentioned that you had to work, earn and save. But no details are given as to what type of work you did and what skills you developed from that experience. It's important that you tell them all those details because this small question is very important for them to understand your personality and that is what they are interested in. So you need to convince them.

Letters / Request of information about PhD admission at university - cover letter [3]

Very good writing :)


.... I'm suggesting a slightly different sentence for this idea. However, your way is not incorrect;
This letter is intended to seek some information regarding PhD application for History, Archaeology and Classical Studies at the Graduate School of Arts.
I must say that this is a very well written cover-letter.... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Advertising is the most important cause of unhealthy eating habits. [7]


Though the prompt is not included in the post, I guess it asks for the opinion as to whether the writer agrees or not. However, this is why it is always good to include the topic or the prompt so that others can give more relevant feedbacks.


.... you need to pay attention to grammar .... Also,"misleading view of diet" ? I feel this does not strongly convey your idea;
Another reason is that some people, especially women, start on crash diet programs in order to keep themselves skinny. These people hold the perception that thinner they are, more gorgeous and charming they look.

Writing Feedback / "Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not" ; What matters and why? [11]


@ android21 - If you want, you may close your threads because you have enough likes for that. Then they'll not be seen in the active section. I think that's good for you to be on safe side. Also, I noticed you have provided very good feed backs for others. Thanks and I wish you would use your skills to help others by becoming a contributor (check our contributor page). Drop us a mail if you are interested. We would happy to have you on board ;)

Undergraduate / American model of education; AUBG-Global Perspective&Social Responsibility [3]


.... well.... I really can't get your idea here. I think you better rephrase this a little bit to convey your idea.




urge it do things instead of me? ... again this is a confusing phrase.... wish you rephrase it!


In this pursuit, I need to advance my knowledge in current techniques and trends in programming languages, software development, data structures, software engineering, operating systems, and other relevant fields

Writing Feedback / A school is where people learn and study; ESSAY ON "MY SCHOOL" [3]


"learn"and "study" both mean more or less the same. Also school does much more than helping providing education. It's the place where children start connecting with the society, learning to face challenges, learning many social and life skills. It helps children to be creative, sporty, and express themselves in many ways. So, you can start this essay with some great introduction about the school. Then talk about your school in those aspects.... tell how your school shape the lives of its students :)

Undergraduate / "I'm a really active person"; Westmont C/Extracurricular activities [4]

Hi Ebtehal,


I guess you need to re-do this all over again. Your answer is deviated from what they expect. You need to talk about an extracurricular activity here. In this essay, you barely talk about any activity in detail. Rather you talk about them on surface. Pick one activity and talk about it in detail.

So, first choose the best activity you can talk about and then tell them why it is important to you. Tell them all necessary details and just don't brush through. The link below may provide you with some insight as how to deal with this task;

://collegeapps.about.com/od/essays/tp/Common-Application-Short-An swer-Tips.htm


... this might put you in trouble and I don't think you need to tell this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Influence of parents is fading; 'unable to render enough time' [7]


Pls post this essay in a new thread!

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Influence of parents is fading; 'unable to render enough time' [7]


Okkkkkkkkkkk...now I get what you try to say....However, I still cannot perceive this as a reason for children getting closer to there peers. I think the possible reasons would be

1. Parents spend less time with their children
2. Peers are of similar age group so that they have lots of things to share with each other such as their interests, hobbies, feelings etc. On the other hand parents are more matured and they have matured ideas that children can hardly understand. So naturally , the peers are favored over parents.

Your essay structure is good, also vocabulary is good... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / What is more important? Making large amounts of money or living a comfortable life? [5]


....This has several issues and most importantly grammar. Its presentation too has a problem too - sounds unnecessarily complicated :(
There is no denying about the importance of money which is a must need for people to fulfill their requirements.


.... You need to re-phrase this line. What is your opinion on this argument? State it direct and clear;
However, I believe that earning a comfortable living should be a priority over earning large sums of money.



....because of excessive working hours.

Writing Feedback / Students having part-time jobs during their study in college has many negatives! [4]

This topic suggests you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. The first issue is this essay is two short and does not follow the recommended essay structure. You need to have at least about 350 words and the essay should have an introduction, minimum two body paras and a conclusion. In this essay there is no conclusion :(


... after reading your full essay, I understand you show more negativity about working part-time. So, it is better if you expressed that in the introduction itself;

However, I believe that this has more negative effects on students based on several reasons;

Undergraduate / Presence of my parents slowly lost definition; UT Austin Transfer;Issue of Importance [2]

I like this theme and you show lots of creative talents in writing :)


very impressive.... I like the way you have presented it :)
Okkkkkkkkkk.... here, you need to talk about an issue of importance. This is a fine issue that young kids nowadays do get addicted to devises and avoid human interaction. Your relationship with your parents is a fine example for this issue. However, you build this answer to a level that you talk about an ethical dilemma, which is not the appropriate answer for this prompt. Stop at the issue level and generalize it and then talk about its importance to you. Change the tone slightly. I guess you can get help from the following link;

://collegeapps.about.com/od/essays/tp/personal-essay-option-two.h tm
Hope this would be helpful... Anyways, you have great writing skills :)

Undergraduate / I did not grow up in the America; SOP [4]


:D
You don't write bad :)


However, when I was looking for a college that provides student with good information about medical careers, I found about UT's Health Professions Office that helps students with their queries about health-related occupations. Further, I was very impressed when I found that they also provides students with internship opportunities.


... My suggestion;
Also I was attracted by the research opportunities UT offers, both on campus and overseas.

Undergraduate / I did not grow up in the America; SOP [4]


... are you referring to a particular subject or some sort of merit like a first class, second class?
It has not come very clear!


During these two years I faced many challenges, especially due the language barrier and my lack of knowledge about its universities.


I found a right fit with the college of nature science in University of Texas at Austin; My goal is to pursue a career in medicine after graduation and not many schools in Texas offer pre-med as major.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) Death rates and Medical funds for Someland in 1990 [5]

Hi :)
Before commenting on your essay, I wish to give you the following link which provides you with a good framework as how to tackle this task. If you have not yet come across this site, I would strongly recommend to visit it as it is a recommended structure by the British Council. (However, I find your structure is very much aligned with what it suggests)


.... This is good as it describes what the charts present and as per the above framework, this is very much aligned with it. However, I think you can still improve its presentation;

The charts provide information regarding death rates and funds allocated for researching on six major diseases, namely TB, AIDS, Tropical diseases, Diarrhoea , Malaria and Leprosy, in 1990.

Undergraduate / Picturesque, Brilliant Students, Renowned Academics; Brown Transfer (Biology Major) [3]


.... "turned to " implies that you were seeking their help


great sentence :)


.... This needs your attention; I think you can present it better. Rather than saying "from the patient perspective", tell it in a more creative way that can bring up emotions. You can tell that through an experience even.

Undergraduate / "annyeonghaseyo" studying in a multicultural environment; Whitman C (Community FA [4]



This sentence has a few issues; Clarity is not there... I think it has some grammar errors too.... I cannot grasp your idea correctly.... I think you better re-phrase this line


and the unique features of each country influenced me to be who I am now.


With my exposure of cultural diversity, I believe I can add more to Whitman's vibrant community where I can grow and strive as a strong African woman.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Influence of parents is fading; 'unable to render enough time' [7]



... why do you say competition is a reason for this ? I don't get your point ; you better describe because it is difficult to relate to this issue. Also I think parents having busy schedules is a more important reason that everybody would understand.

Also I wish you break up this sentence to two ;
I believe classmates have an immense impact on a child's future compared to their parents. This can be a result of parents having less time to spend with their children. ...(I didn't include the competition part because I didn't understand what you meant)

Undergraduate / I learn so much more when I teach someone; Extracurricular Essay on Peer Tutoring [11]

It seems you have included all necessary details about your activity; you have picked a right activity and said why you like it, what it taught you, your experience and what you gained from it etc. However, I believe you can still have potential to improve its presentation because this provides a small window into your passions and personality. So, I guess you can improve on your tone more, try it out with more energy because you already have a very good answer.

Undergraduate / Correlations between different fields; Issues of Importance to me [3]

Well... I have a concern over your issue. For me, it really doesn't look like an issue, rather it does not seem to be a strong issue :(

I believe it is better you talk about some issue that impacts your immediate life because the colleges attempt to learn about you through your essay. So make sure to focus on an issue that will actually teach them something about you. In this I don't find that you come up with the importance of this issue to you; this is what they expect you to tell them.

I see you can write very well and wish you pay a little attention to what I suggested. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1 Letter "You have just arrived in the city " [2]


... You need to apply the appropriate tone for this letter... The prompt says that a friend (newly acquainted) offered you help. So you need to address him more informally. Say;

Dear Tom
If you are writing to a professor or some official or even an unknown person, then you must address them in a formal way.


I am Andy and hope you remember me. I am the one that you helped last week to get around the city. I am writing to you thank for your thoughtfulness and generosity and had you not been there I would have not managed half what I intended.

Scholarship / "You can do it"-Adversity ; Why should I deserve this scholarship? [2]



This victory over boys made me very confident and believe in my capabilities as well as taking up challenges as the life moves on.


I feel this sounds a bit overdone... you talked about your perseverance and adventurous characteristics already and now come to a new idea. I suggest;

However, my life was not free from challenges. (now you can talk about family finance issues)


My father is the only bread winner in my family and his income is sufficient only for managing our basic necessities.


I work during school? this is not very clear... do you work part time? I feel you need to re-phrase this.
I'm extremely sorry for deleting your first post by error... Pls re-draft this and post ; I would do my best to help you with this :)

Letters / Intelligent,Sociable&Goal-Seeking; Recommendation letter-Master program from a prof [4]



She has always been the best performer in her group who secured only excellent grades during her under graduate studies. Further, she was rated among the top five students of that batch by the University.


... you talk about rather personal qualities and not achievements. This is my suggestion;
I have perceived her as a hardworking person who has a great enthusiasm in improving and furthering her knowledge.

Undergraduate / I had to fulfill a duty to my parents; Cornell: Major, why, academic interests [5]


You write too well, so I don't think you really need to seek advice :D


... I'm wondering whether you should capitalize the store part to attract attention to it!


...I changed punctuation and reduced the negative effect of "unrewarding"





It's excellent writing as always... My suggestions are just for you to consider ! :)

Grammar, Usage / 'I would never give up...' - 'subway announcement' - How does this one sentence sound like? [6]


Yes....android21 is correct... that sounds odd and also the usage is "pros and cons" that give opposite meanings. So you better have the word "benefits" only. This is my suggestion;


I knew that I would never want to give up New York University because of the great benefits it offers to students.

Scholarship / "Questioning my desire"; Scholarship for a PhD/ Why I deserve it? [4]


This is a very good point. You need to talk about your goals more; both academic and professional... Tell them what you intend to achieve with this learning exposure.



I suggest "motivated" in place of "shaped" .... Their characters have been shaped by many influences and obstacles can be just one of them. For example, religious beliefs too had a great influence on Mahathma Gandhi's character. However, the obstacles on one's way certainly give the person a challenge that would motivate him to win it.

Essays / Admission essay for undergraduate Mechanincal Engineering program [5]


... :D
Well.... It's great if you posted the prompt... I guess this is your Personal Statement (PS) or the Statement of Purpose (SOP) .... Is it?

If this is your SOP, then it should portray you as ;
(1) passionately interested in the field; (2) intelligent; (3) well-prepared academically and personally; (4) able to take on the challenges of grad school; (5) able to have rapport with professors and fellow grad students - in other words, collegial; (6) able to finish the graduate degree in a timely fashion; and (7) a potentially outstanding representative of that grad school in your future career.

If this is your PS then you must answer;
1)What you want to study at university and why 2)Your interests and skills 3)Gap year (if applicable)

I collected those frameworks from websites.... I would provide you with more comments on your writing once you tell me the prompt or the purpose of your above writing (SOP or PS?)

Undergraduate / Blindly follow criticisms without evidence? ;Stanford-Intellectual Vitallity [12]

All your essays deserve to be featured and they are really good for others to read too. I wish you'd become a contributor and help others to improve their essays :)

Undergraduate / Tech based Paddy Farming Business; NUS Fass Economics & Business/ Activity [3]


I find this sentence is a bit too long. ... this is my suggestion;
Economics being my favorite subject since O/L, I decided to gain work experience in the food production industry after completing A2 exams. So I worked in a technology based paddy farming business.


Since it's a small firm, I get the opportunity to gain experience in all areas.



This also helped me broaden my perspectives on how business should be run under different circumstances and scenarios.

Graduate / We educated community members; LETTER OF INTEREST FOR MASTERS IN PUB HEALTH [3]


My interest for public health began while I was medical student.


Just before our exams we were posted on a two-week rural community development program and research.


This was a memorable opportunity that enabled us to apply our classroom knowledge.


I enjoyed my active participation in this program that helped me reach out to many people at the same time.


My observations confirmed that many complicated health issues were caused by delays in seeking health care, wrong cultural practices, perceptions and beliefs and poor community health surveillance.

Writing Feedback / Brain Drain is a dangerous phenomenon that prevails in our society [4]

What is the purpose of this essay?
It looks like you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, this essay is too short to meet the minimum number of required words. Also, you need to follow the essay structure that they expect. It has to be at least four paras that include Introduction, Two Body Paras and the Conclusion.


.... tell briefly why it is dangerous... sounds too vague otherwise


This comes as one whole para.... that's two short. You also need to tell what are those reasons



.... you need to link with your previous idea;
This is the main reason why many people who are qualified and skilled would prefer to go abroad thinking that they can live better lives there.