Writing Feedback / Life in a small village brings limited access to new information and to a better medical treatment. [2]

Since every person knew one another IN SMALL VILAGES, small villages were THESE BECAME A favorable place to live for inhabitants in several years to back. However, due to the advanceS IN human civilization, metropolitan cities have been BECOME preferred by most people to dwell in these days. Though living in the A remote area has its own merits such as A friendly social atmosphere, and pure environment, I tend to believe that it has more drawbacks since the citizens are limited to WHEN IT COMES TO THE access OF new information, meetING nuclear BASIC needs, and getTING a better medical treatment.

Living in a small city makes people settling in this place experience such a closely social atmosphere. No limitation between citizens is felt. Every single EACH one helps each THE other in dealing with problems the citizens face. Villager A VILLAGER suffering a house fire, for example, is more likely not to individually cope with his/her impressing case, but impressive aid from the other residents comes surprisingly. In addition, no THE LACK OF A polluted environment also is the ALSO A remarkable benefit showed in BY living in the A place with full of limitationS. Fresh air and clean water are the valuable experiment which will not be obtained HARD TO COME BY when occupying RESIDING in the A metropolis. Aside FROM that, the terrible traffic problem very familiar with townS is ARE never shown EXPERIENCED in the countryside, making residents feel comfortable to have a travelling in WHEN TRAVELING TO a particular place.

However, S settling in the A rural area is not always simplifying SIMPLE FOR its residents since various drawbacks are more likely to notice NOTICEABLE. Firstly, there will be a big problem for those who want to access new information since electronic equipment like computer and internet is ARE restricted. Furthermore, it is quite often that THE primary needs people require are not available in the market, thus citizens have to travel a far distance to the centre of town to gain what people THEY need. Finally, the A similar issue will occur when people suffering a severe illness. Due to the fact that the medical facility and the expert doctorS are difficult to find, the sufferer has to have a long journey to the city to achieve a better treatment.

To sum up, living in the rural areaS basically has HAVE various benefits like a friendly social link between its citizens, and a pure environment. However, I am more likely to argue that its demerits are more complex since the limited information, the slight restriction of elementary NEEDS, and unavailability of medical expert remain existed .

Undergraduate / Why Yale? The academic resources at Yale far surpass the resources available at Vanderbilt. [6]

Yang, here is a tip you should take when writing about the "Why?" essays, don't ever lift information from their website about, in this case, the housing accommodations and then try to pass it off as your own. In fact, everything in this statement tells me that you did not even bother to try and find some true personal reasons for your choice of Yale as your university for college. The statement you made about the residential colleges sound like it came straight out the brochure.

By the way, you aren't a student at Yale yet. So pick your words and how you use those words carefully. Keep in mind that calling a rival team "smug" may sound good on paper, but could actually be offensive to some, since you are not a student there yet. It is the way that you have developed the essay that makes the presentation superficial with a clear lack of personal connection to your choice.

Make the essay better by discussing the academic reasons you chose the university. Relate it to your chosen major. I like the line about the Chinese medicine discussion. It is the only honest sounding part of the essay. You could build on that discussion as well. Rephrase the extra curricular activities to reflect those activities that you can actually participate in in terms of clubs, organizations, teams, or volunteer activities.

Undergraduate / Moving from one country to another is a life changing experience [11]

Ehsan, why don't you try to end the essay on a more positive note than you have now? The way your conclusion sounds at the moment, it seems like you are proud of your achievement, but could add a little bit more to it in order to give it a stronger finish. Tell us what your life is like now that you have adjusted to live in the United States. You really need to add a paragraph about the extent of your assimilation into the American culture at present because it is sorely under represented in the current essay.

You can discuss more about how you adjusted to school life, how your family is now more comfortable with living in America and anything else that will prove how well you have managed to blend into the melting pot culture of America. Perhaps you can sway something about how you now feel just as much as Pakistani as you feel you are also an American then explain how and why that happened for you. By delving into discussions such as those in the essay, no matter how short, you will better assert the validity and logic behind your claim that moving to another country be a really life changing experience :-)

Graduate / "Goodbye" - SOP for Masters of Public Administration for the University of Colorado [10]

In order to bring down your word count, you can start by removing the acronym for the Peace Corps that you represented and the description of the mission, goals, and objectives of the organization. That is not really related to your statement of purpose as it only defines the organization you were affiliated with, so it isn't really required since it increased your word count. You can also adjust the part where you discuss the encouragement of your professor that inspired you to become more civic minded. Revise that line to make it seem like your exposure to the college community was the catalyst for your interest and activities instead.

You also have a tendency to mention the whole roster of public service interests that are served by a career in public service. Cut it down to just mention one or two examples. Make sure to use the examples that you feel best embody your reasons for pursuing this career so that its inclusion in your essay becomes relevant to your SOP. The same goes for the problems that you encountered in Mexico. If you try to enumerate all of the problems that you want to help solve, you will definitely go over the word limit :-) So keep it short, but relevant to your application. That is all that you have to do within the SOP. These minor corrections will result in your bringing the essay to within the word count.

Scholarship / By seeking leadership experiences, I've been able to learn to communicate and empathize with people [7]

Brayan, the first half of the essay needed some strengthening so I revised that whole portion for you. I suggest you use this version along with the last half of your paper instead.

As an immigrant child in the United States, I never thought that I would be given a chance to learn about leadership, must less develop my leadership skills. After all, I am a stranger in the land of promise. So I did not really seek out leadership roles. It was only by chance that I came across The Love Kitchen after school program and along with that discovery, came my chance to develop myself into a future leader. With the central goal of helping students who have difficulties in academics, The Love Kitchen has been my place of growth and development.

The person who changed my life at The Love Kitchen was a woman named Mrs. Heights. She first guided me as a participant in the program and then, after some time, she encouraged me to become a volunteer for the program. I volunteered for 3 years as a tutor for elementary and middle school students, all the time guided and advised by Mrs. Heights. She empowered my creativity and mental growth.

I think the combination of my first 2 paragraphs and your last 2 will result in the strongest possible essay for you :-)

Scholarship / By seeking leadership experiences, I've been able to learn to communicate and empathize with people [7]

Brayan, since the essay asks you to deliver an explanation of how your leadership skills developed, then you can refocus the topic of the essay to make it work better. Focus on how Mrs. Heights encouraged you to develop your leadership abilities, first as a tutor to the students and then , by supporting your desire to help the student through the fund raiser.

In order to become a leader, you need to have a mentor / role model who can guide you towards that path. I believe that your relationship with Mrs. Heights will showcase that relationship. By discussing her role in helping you develop your leadership skills, specifically during the fund raising, which was your brain child, then you will be able to properly explain how and why you became a leader at The Love Kitchen.

Sometimes, the idea behind leadership and its development isn't automatically seen through your actions. Leaders take inspiration from others because of their desire to help those in difficult circumstances. Your desire to help the student and the way that Mrs. Heights supported your desire to do something good all add up to a solid foundation for your leadership abilities. You just need to combine the factors from the people and situation that you found yourself in so that your leadership abilities can be properly recognized by others :-)

Scholarship / By seeking leadership experiences, I've been able to learn to communicate and empathize with people [7]

Brayan, you spent the first half of this essay discussing your background regarding how you ended up working with The Love Kitchen. While that story is interesting, it does not offer an insight into the development of your leadership abilities. The later part of your essay suffers from the same thing as the focus of the last part was almost totally on the student that you were trying to help. Of the two events that you discussed only the one about helping the other person through a fundraiser actually falls within the prompt instructions that indicates: Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life. The first part should be removed because it doesn't really describe how you grew at a leader at The Love Kitchen.

Instead, the second part of the essay, should pick up from:

One year after I had been enrolled in The Love Kitchen, Mrs. Heights called me and asked me to volunteer in her program. She told me that it would be an amazing opportunity for me to reach out to students just like me who had emigrated from other countries.

Now, you will notice that most of your discussion in this part represents a general description of what you did and learned, with specific references being made to Mrs. Heights and how she assisted you in your desire to help the student. You need to be more specific than that. Discuss the first ever leadership role that you tackled at the place. Explain how your leadership skills, which were first brought to light by that activity managed to grow from there until it eventually influenced your goals in life. Maybe you can talk about how you mounted the fundraiser along with Mrs. Heights. Yes, I think that would show the development of your leadership experience along with the influence of your mentor that surely helped you learn what your true calling in life is.

Graduate / SOP PhD Interdisciplinary biosciences. Methods to answer fundamental questions on how organisms work [12]

Athanasios, I think you need this essay to be less than 500 words right? I have 447 after editing it. I revised some sentences, improved the content of others, and removes some parts that I feel are not necessary for the reviewer to learn about. I aimed to make your application paper sound as academic and professional as possible. Here is what I came up with for you:

// too similar to the original (duplicate content) //

Graduate / SOP PhD Interdisciplinary biosciences. Methods to answer fundamental questions on how organisms work [12]

Hi Athanasios :-) Thank you for the information. Yes, you should definitely keep the scholarship reference at the end of the essay. The way that you discussed your accomplishments and qualifications register quite strongly in the overall content of the essay. At this point, I am reconsidering the opening paragraph that you have because of the way that it does not really offer a strong introduction for your essay. Reviewers tend to roll their eyes when they read references to anything related to "One of my most vivid childhood memories " or something similar. They don't really believe that such an influential experience can be had by someone who has yet to learn about the world.

Rather than that introduction, I think you should consider the possibility of bringing up your last paragraph relating to the scholarship instead. Remember that you are applying for a scholarship and the best way to get their attention is to discuss the reasons why you feel you need a scholarship. Then you can present your credentials as a candidate with the last paragraph of the essay referring again to your desire to win the scholarship and a reference to the scholarships you believe you can qualify for based upon your credentials. I believe that formatting the essay that way will make it much stronger than it already is :-)

Graduate / SOP PhD Interdisciplinary biosciences. Methods to answer fundamental questions on how organisms work [12]

Hi Athanasios :-) I reviewed your essay and as far as I can tell, you have provided enough information for your statement of purpose. I have just one question though, did the prompt, in its original form, allow you to discuss the possibility of getting a scholarship at the end of the statement? Normally, a statement of purpose is just that and does not allow for any reference to the possibility of scholarships nor pleading your case as a scholarship candidate. I just want to make sure that you are not presenting information at the end of the essay, about the scholarship request, that might be unappreciated by the reviewer. They normally frown upon the inclusion of information that has no place in the statement of purpose. Just clarify that point for me so that I will know if I should recommend that you remove the reference to the scholarship at the end or not :-) Perhaps you should be writing an addendum essay for the scholarship request?

The new version of the essay is quite well developed and clearly highlights your important accomplishments, future ambitions, and purpose for higher study. Save for my concern about the scholarship part of the presentation, I would have to say that this essay is good enough and ready for submission. All we have to do at this point, is make sure that there isn't any unwarranted information contained in the final version :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2, Do the students pay the tuition fee by themselves, agree or disagree ? [5]

Here is the think Hoang, the prompt is not asking you who should pay for the tuition fee of the students because the belief that has to be discussed in the essay pertains to the belief that the students should pay their tuition fees in full by themselves. That means, no school scholarships, which is the usual way that students get the universities to sponsor their studies / tuition fees. The line of reasoning that you are asked to agree or disagree with is whether the students should pay their fees in full simply because they will not be paying back those fees in the future. They will graduate and then work for themselves. The university will in effect, lose money on these students because they basically study for free. The essay does not care about who should pay for the tuition fee if the school won't pay for it. If it was required in the discussion, then the prompt would have provided that question as well.

In answer to your question, the prompt is the question that you are given to discuss. The essay is the paragraph form of your thoughts and opinions written in relation to the prompt provided. Does that clarify the difference between the prompt and essay for you?

My outline for this essay would be:

1st paragraph - Introduction: Restate the prompt, points for discussion, and your opinion (agree or disagree)

2nd paragraph - Body 1: Opposing point of view discussion.

3rd paragraph - Body 2: Supporting point of view.

4th paragraph- Body 3: Your point of view discussion (agree or disagree)

5th paragraph- Conclusion: Summarize the topic discussed, points presented, and restate your opinion.

The outline defines the way that you should discuss your opinion and at what point in the essay. If you disagree with the opinion, then tell the reader why you think the universities should continue to pay tuition fees in full or in part for their students. Justify your opinion with evidence from your personal experience or published data.

Undergraduate / Describing an issue related to the college where I will study and stating my own opinion [2]

Ainur, before we can help you improve this essay, you first have to provide us with a copy of the prompt that you were given by the university. That is the only way we can understand what kind of information the essay is supposed to contain and how you are expected to discuss it. At the moment, I cannot make any sense of your answers due to the lack of instruction on your part.

By the way, at first glance, I noticed that you have a tendency to disregard the capitalization of the first word in a sentence. This is glaring as an error in the first sentence of your essay. Review the content for such problems and correct them. You are writing an academic paper and not a text message. So the rules of grammar apply in this case. Be mindful of the way you write and compose your sentences.

Right now, the essay that you have written is too short and under developed. I am not sure about which parts to develop further, revise, and possibly delete at this point. I just have a general understanding and review of your essay. Once I receive the proper instructions, I will be able to better analyze and advise you regarding content, structure, and improvements to be made to the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Negative Effects of tourism activities [3]

The majority of citizens assumed that there are some unsavory NEGATIVE impacts of tourism for destination countries. I personally believe toward this statement since a number of cultures became HAVE disappeared and replaceable HAVE BEEN REPLACED by modern styles carried BROUGHT by the tourists. On the other hand HOWEVER, there are several solutions to minimize its detrimental effects.

These days, most of travelers visiting a site bring the dire ILL effects for local people and traditions. A significant impact occurs on traditional valueS altered by THE western lifestyle. For example, the foreigners introduce elements that are not suitable with FOR local cultures. Another serious consequence is the local community adopts poor behaviors such as consuming of the drugs and alcohol, increasing of THE LEVEL OF prostitution's level on IN A local area. In addition, there is also the new trend in which the cultures utilized IS USED for commercial commodities. For instance, local people constantly think about profit. THAT IS WHY I greatly agree THAT tourism CAN lead TO A the negative impact for THE local community and environment.

In termS of solutions, the government should be largely responsible FOR ITS IMPLEMENTATION. Firstly, t The tourism ministry must create strict regulations for holiday makers spending holidays in the country like to impose SUCH AS IMPOSING a fine for travelers making PERFORMING violations. Secondly, A THEN authorities have to maintain original cultures on IN each tourist area. They must encourage local residents to preserve traditional values without influenced of AND NOT BE INFLUENCED BY foreign customs.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that a number of inhabitants argue regarding to the drawbacks of tourism for their regions. However, I extremely believe that the original cultures have been eroded by foreign life styles and values. Afterwards HOWEVER, there are some possible solutions that can be done by the government IN ORDER to tackle the problem so the benefits of tourism are CAN still BE enjoyed BY THE COUNTRY .

Undergraduate / How did you become interested in Knox and why Knox-supplement essay [2]

Amiicho, I am interested to read the last paragraph that you did not post in the essay. The reason that I am interested in it is because I would like you to delete the opening statement of your essay. It is not interesting, does not offer any confidence in the reason why you chose this university, and seems to be so superficial in nature. The reasons why you opted to choose this university becomes stronger with your current second paragraph. So I suggest you go use that paragraph as the opening statement instead of the current one. The one you are using now just doesn't work nor offer any interesting information about you or the reason you chose Knox.

In the current last part of your essay, display a keen interest in the study abroad programs of Knox by specifically mentioning the program and what drew you to that particular program in the first place. Don't fly off to Europe yet in your discussion. You haven't gotten into the university yet :-) Stick to reality and instead discuss how you see the courses Knox offers preparing you for the foreign study programs instead :-) By the way, try to discuss more about how you see the Open Studio program helping you expand your abilities. Make it a stand alone paragraph if possible because the discussion for that topic seems to warrant its own paragraph in the essay :-)

Scholarship / Scholarship For the United World College. My Personal statement. Assist me where possible. [5]

Elizabeth, you have one too many quotes in this essay. When you are discussing a prompt this personal, it is always best to avoiding using prompts all together. I don't see why you could not open the essay with the reference to your being a blood donor. It was something quite eye catching and interesting to read. In fact, my eyes were immediately drawn to that, not the quote from Martin Luther King Jr.

If you remove the reference to praying for the sick with your mother, you will be doing yourself a favor. At this point in time, when the discussion about religion is at a heightened state of tension, it is best to not make any reference to such activities. Just in case. You never know if you might end up offending the reviewer somehow with that reference.

So, if you will just remove the quotations at the beginning of the essay then omit the reference to prayer at the end, the rest of the essay actually shows you off as a highly active person with a strong sense of community and civic duty, which is exactly what the prompt expects you to do :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Sense of community within the apartment dwellers [2]

Several people believe that dwelling LIVING inside a flat incurs CREATES loneliness due to the unavailability of community spirit, . whilst WHILE others argue that living in a high-rise flat can enhance CREATE A better sense of community of FOR its residents compared to house residents. This essay will discuss both viewpoints.

In any case, dwelling LIVING in an apartment has a capability OFFERS THE RESIDENTS AN OPPORTUNITY to build good relationshipS amongst neighbourS hood for several reasons. To begin, one's apartment to others' EACH PERSON'S apartment has a very close distance which allows a person to meet neighbours easily. For example, when one owner cooks a meal, she can share with people who live next to her place. Besides, high-rise flatS contain a lot of households who use the same available facilities. This happens, for FOR instance, to the use of a THE swimming pool, so no body will feel different with FROM their neighbours. These can improve their feeling of similarity to others.

By contrast, I realise that the feeling of isolation could be easily experienced by those who are more engaged on IN living in a flat. Many disadvantages can threatEN a neighbourhood. Firstly, the difference of BETWEEN personal characteristicS is A potential to cause OF bad relationship amongst apartment owners. To illustrate, one dweller is a person who dislikes crowdSed . Because his place is close to others, when another person is playing a high volume music, he could immediately stop it by claiming the rights of comfort. Secondly, the building design, which keeps THE residents' 'S privacy perfectly, limits a dweller to see FROM SEEING WHAT their neighbours' IS doing. Thus, people are reluctant to invite neighbours due to always-closed doors.

To conclude, while some see possibilities of A good neighbourhood from living in a flat, I argue that less sense of community will emerge if people reside with that way. Therefore, all residents should consider carefully about a place to live WHERE THEY PLAN TO LIVE.

I did not correct your spelling of some words because you may be using the British spelling since this is for an IELTS test.

Undergraduate / My Brother and I along the Poolside - How that has Shaped Me [5]

Jeffrey, in truth the essay doesn't sound exceptional at this point. However, it might develop into an interesting read as you revise the content of the essay. Sometimes, the interest in the essay comes from the way you present it to the reviewer. Right now, the essay doesn't "pop" on the screen. There is nothing that will set it apart from the other application essays. Maybe you would like to consider changing the topic that you are discussing in the essay instead?

In truth, the essay that you wrote was more about your brother than yourself. The shaping that occurred of your personality probably comprises one paragraph at this point. What you need is to focus the story of the essay on you. Don't share the limelight with your brother. In this instance, your brother is the center of your essay, he isn't the applicant :-) Your participation in the essay was almost a mere footnote towards the end of it :-)

There is still time for you to reconsider the topic of the essay. I recommend that you take the time to do that. I am sure you will come up with something better. If you are not sure about this essay, then you should definitely change it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2, Do the students pay the tuition fee by themselves, agree or disagree ? [5]

Hoang, why are you discussing the responsibility of the government in sending people to school for free when the prompt is asking you to agree or disagree with the concept that the universities should not should any part of a student's tuition fee because the education they are receiving is meant to help the individual and not society in general? I believe that you totally misunderstood the prompt. The university does not represent the government in any way, shape, or form. You can actually use your current discussion only if the prompt specifically stated that you discuss government sponsored universities. In this case, that was not the prompt. Therefore, your whole essay failed to deliver the proper discussion for the prompt.

That said, your whole essay did not follow the prompt guidelines. Even your conclusion did not offer the correct information that could have saved your grade. If this were an actual IELTS test, the examiner will immediately notice the deviation from the prompt and score you with a failing grade. When you write an essay again for practice, make sure you understand the prompt requirements. While you are not yet taking the formal test, make sure to ask questions if you do not really understand the prompt. Otherwise, you are bound to repeat the same mistakes.

Graduate / Career goals and the Freeman School - Personal statement for master of science in finance in Tulane [2]

Yu, don't make your opening statement sound so generic by using the term "at an early age." That is a commonly used opening statement term that reviewers are really sick and tired of reading already. Maybe you can revise the first few sentence of the paragraph to read in a way similar to this instead:

With both of my parents work in the accounting field, I grew up with a cultivated sensitivity towards numbers and financial news. So, it came as no surprise when in college, I ended up changing my major to Finance, my true passion...

Now, let me address the revisions for your other paragraphs :-)

Par. 2:
In college, I learned to solve practical problem by building models for the first time through the Ace Manager Program organized by Paris Bankt. Over the summer of 2015, I obtained a government scholarship to attend International Business and Leadership Program through UCLA extension. The interaction in classes was beneficial to cultivating my professional characteristics for my future career. Those experiences greatly strengthened my determination towards practicing Finance after graduation.

Par. 3:
To get more exposure to the financial world, I interned at Deloitte. I worked at the audit department, and mainly took charge of the sampling in audit work, including cutoff sampling and detail sampling paperwork. I also assisted with the composing and editing of expense and cost entries. My job required a high level of detail orientation so I not only paid attention to all the small details but also tried my best to help co-workers whenever I was needed. My hard work won the trust of my supervisor, who gave me the valuation of "EXCELLENT" at the end of my internship there.

Par. 4:
I am conscious that there are still some gaps for me to become a qualified financial analyst though I perform well in the workplace. I desire to pursue a master degree at the Freeman Business School in Tulane University because the university provides students various social and networking opportunities such as Freeman Days, which I am especially interested in. Additionally, I desire to be allowed to attend qualitative courses of my choosing. A unique student option exclusive to Tulane. With the outstanding educational resources of your distinguished school, it will be much easier for me to achieve my career goals.

My revisions have made the essay shorter, more informative, and contains only the important elements that should be represented in your personal statement. Put the revised paragraphs together and let me know what you think. I'll be more than happy to work with you on further editing the paper :-)

Scholarship / Discuss the subjects in which you have had difficulty. What factors do you believe made it difficult [3]

Par. 1:
Academics has ALWAYS been a strong motivator in my life. However, this motivator was not always my biggest strength. Believe it or not, I have had a lot of difficulties in many TWO academic subjects. Much of this difficulty springs SPRUNG from my academic years in elementary school as well as migrating from another country... After being enrolled in elementary school, the challenges that English and history instilled in BROUGHT INTO my life only began to worsen WORSENED. ...

Par. 2:
As many immigrants in the United States, my parents' search for a life with richer opportunities was something that tremendously affected me. The reason for this was because, as a child, moving away from everything that I knew was beyond shocking. I was only seven years old when I had first set foot in an American school...

Par. 3:
History has always been a subject where memorization and practice have played a painful role. It is this that makes history a challenge for many students across the world. I identify myself with many of those students. Since middle school, history classes have been a dreadful pain for me. Such pain originated from lacking the skills necessary to commit facts to memory...

Par. 4:
Overall, the challenges I had to face with English and h History were extreme. I was able to enhance my skills in both subjects. Likewise, I was able to overcome the vulnerability that at one point fed my hunger for learning and also kept me behind...

Undergraduate / My current interests - I am applying to Johns Hopkins and need help with my entrance essay! [3]

Michael, you need to revise the content of your essay top discuss one of each topic as indicated in the brackets. Offer information about an academic pursuit you have that is related to your major, then discuss how JHU can help you develop your interest and start your career after graduation. Talk about this interest that you have in learning to speak Chinese as part of your extra curricular activities. Then do some research and find out if JHU has any club or organization already existing that you can join in order to help you build your language skills in this field. If none exists, then consider discussing how you would like to start a club that would encourage the learning of Chinese as a language on campus. Finally, decide if you have an unforgettable summer experience or personal passion that you feel will help you portray yourself as a well rounded, analytical, and logical individual who knows how to have fun at the same time. A usual, you have to find a connection between that interest and JHU.

The idea behind the essay prompt is to have you explain how you will constructively utilize your time at JHU as a full time student. What interests do you have that will help the student community of JHU improve or evolve into a new kind of student community? There are no wrong or right answers to this essay. You just have to make sure that you provide the relevant information as indicated in the prompt. This is the essay that will allow you to build your image as a person in the eyes of the reviewer. So don't waste it by discussing such a one dimensional aspect of who you are and where your interests lie.

Graduate / "Goodbye" - SOP for Masters of Public Administration for the University of Colorado [10]

Julie, you already have a usable essay at this point. It covers the basic expectations and delivers on the purpose of your studies and how the university can help you achieve your goals. What we have to do at this point is clean up the problem paragraphs so that the essay will finally be ready to submit.

Par. 1:
It was in October (OF WHAT YEAR?) when I was leaving the Peace Corps, the community and family I had ...
I stood there in the center of the courtyard in OF the Elementary school in front of over a hundred students who one by one came up to embrace me ...

It was in the middle of the goodbyes THAT I saw the change I impacted UPON THE COMMUNITY and MADE ME determined to pursue ...

Par. 2:
During my undergraduate STUDIES majoring in Criminal Justice and Environmental Science, I gained a broad understanding of ...
It was then on the urge of a professor ON THE URGING OF MY PROFESSOR THAT I put this knowledge to practical use ...

They invigorated and empowered me TO PARTICIPATE IN AREAS where I saw I could play ...

Par. 3:
... I began working in the public service field. First,[/s[ with AmeriCorps National Civilian ...
... involved in the issues facing not only our country, but also the world and SO I joined Peace Corps Mexico.
It I was as an Environmental Educator ...
... of hazardous waste disposal facilities and, the worst part was it will be IS the poorest in the developing and ...
My decision was solidified THESE EVENTS LED ME TO DECIDE THAT I would be part of forming Environmental Policy IN THE FUTURE.

Par. 4:
From my work experience in the public sector I have witnessed first-hand the ...
and there THERE needs to be social progress ...
... within our country and I want to be apart A PART of that social progress.

... I will develop the management, analytical, and finance ASPECTS OF A PUBLIC POLICY MAKER USING , but a profound insight IN handling the environmental policies. "

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: Children should have fun playing but rivarly also benefits them. [3]

Jin, there is one point for discussion that you failed to consider while you were developing this essay. There is a school of thought these days that children should play sports for fun and competition because the better they are at a given game, the more chances they have for a college scholarship, or to earn more money as a professional athlete. Such considerations automatically negate the fun, competitive aspect of playing sports.

As such, your discussion about how competition is all about having fun does not qualify. In addition, the mere fact that the child is involved in a sport automatically places pressure on him to win. Victory is the aim of any sport, be it a team or individualized sport. Therefore, to say that there is no pressure when a child plays is inconsistent. There is always pressure, even in a fun atmosphere because the competition, albeit friendly, still exists. Therefore, the pressure for children to perform well takes their attention away from having fun. After all, the fun, in the friendly competition still comes from beating the other team or participants :-)

With regards to your structure and grammar, while there are some problems that exist, these are not so major that you would need to revise the whole essay. You managed to get your point across clearly and, the mere fact that you even used your own experience as an example is sure to get you a better grade than you expect. These TOEFL essays often give a high consideration for personal examples as it further proves your English comprehension skills :-)

Graduate / My passion. Statement for master degree in Filmmaking [3]

Dana, the first question that came to my mind when I finished reading the essay was "Is she writing a statement of purpose or a personal statement?" There are elements of both in your essay which makes the content lack focus and prevents it from delivering a clear picture of what information the reviewer should concentrate on as your essay is being considered. It is also that question that prevents me from properly deciphering the kind of advice that you should be given.

As a personal statement about the development of your career interests, there are certain portions that should be removed because the information relates more to a statement of purpose. As a statement of purpose, the content of the essay can be edited down in paragraph content in order to deliver the correct and important information to the reviewer. If you can just point me in the right direction, I am sure that I can offer more concrete and relevant advice once I know which track you are supposed to be concentrating on.

The reason that you have worries about the flow and content of the essay is specifically because you accidentally merged 2 different essays into one. If you can figure out which essay you are supposed to be writing here, we can finally fix the content paragraph flow problems that exist in it :-)

Undergraduate / Impressed by the G.Tech's focus on, enthusiasm for and dedication to advanced technological research [3]

Pan, your essay is good but too wordy. So I revised it to lower the word count to 135 and also make the essay more informative in a shorter manner. Here is what I developed for you to use :

My 7-year experience of learning programming and algorithms has greatly kindled my interest in computer science. So when I heard about the unparalleled focus of Georgia Tech on technological research, I knew this was the university I had to attend. As a student a the College of Computing, I will be able to carry on with my interests in interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary exploration in computer science in relation to AI and machine learning.

Georgia Teach offers me the opportunity to gun for employment at the biannual career fairs that invite representatives of Google and Apple, both companies that I plan to apply to after graduation. So early exposure to their companies through the Georgia Tech activity will help me fast-track my career in computer science. That is why Georgia Tech is my university of choice.

Graduate / My career in the next 5 years. Oxford MSc Financial Economics Personal Statement [7]

Eloise, when you are applying for graduate school, even if it is a pre-experience degree, you should always try to beef up your application with any sort of work related experience. Be it an internship at a small company, or a big shot position at a large company, the reviewers will give the work experience, as long as it is related to your interest in the MS studies, equal weight and consideration. So even if you were only attached to a small company, for as long as you learned about something related to your desired MS degree, you should mention it, even if the pre-experience MS degrees do not require it. it is additional information that will help show that you are capable of taking the full MS course later on in the future and allow you to showcase your skills and talents, even with a "lack of experience".

Additional information that you might want to add in relation to your pre-experience details would be the reason why you believe that you should make most of the degree that you do have now with this pre-experience MS. This will make your internship or part-time work experience relevant to your application. Explain how this degree in particular will help you, in your own thinking, maximize the benefits of a pre-experience MS. You already display your ambitions for your future, so just increase the attention upon that with the information about your internship experience.

Undergraduate / Trying to understand phenomena and some "why's" behind them - admission into Computer Science [8]

Chiko, the revision is great. I agree that we should include a part that deals with your extra curricular activities to show that you are a well rounded individual. I would include the part about chess this way:

Each time I moved the pawns across a chess board and saw the results of my actions, I could not help but compare it to the logic used by computers and the resulting outcome of the data analysis it undergoes. I discovered, through chess, that there were languages that computers understood with instructions that explicitly declared what should happen when a certain event occurs.

That was when I first taught myself programming, falling in love first with the syntax, the different colors for special keywords, the flow of logic, and then its organization that encapsulated each function...

That is just an idea as to how you can incorporate chess into the essay in a relevant manner. I believe that the logic of chess and computers are quite similar which is why I chose to use it as my example in the above paragraph :-) You can of course better improve upon it since you are directly involved in the activity.

Undergraduate / My Brother and I along the Poolside - How that has Shaped Me [5]

Jeffrey, the story is good but inconsistent. You made it sound like your brother had a grave and life threatening accident at the pool with the description at the beginning. Then it turns out that he did nothing more than skin his elbow. That is an unacceptable exaggeration in the essay. Always be truthful in your statements. Exaggerations are considered black marks in these types of essays and are frowned upon greatly. So don't exaggerate just to appeal to the emotions of the reviewer. If it was a simple case of skinning his elbow and a little blood forming on the top of the skin, if the skin broke and bled, then say so. Don't make it appear as if he broke his elbow with blood gushing all over the place. Just tell it as it is. Just the truthful facts and nothing more. No exaggerations.

It won't hurt for you to tell the anecdote in truthful and simple terms because the lesson that you imparted, based upon the guilt that you felt, the actions of your brother, and the lessons that you learned from what happened are more important than the story that inspired all of those lessons in you. The role of your brother in your development as a person will not be lessened by a less dramatic pool accident, what matters is the words of wisdom that he shared with you and how you developed as a person from that point :-)

Scholarship / Unfairness at the jewelery store - describe a situation when you or others were treated not right [3]

Brayan, you have a very good story to share here. It is really eye opening and relevant to the prompt. The fact that you experienced the injustice as a family makes it an even more memorable instance in your life. The way that the situation was handled was proper and showed how much more well educated the immigrants can be when compared to the born and bred natives. However, the format of your essay does not serve to deliver the strong impact that the event depicts.

What you have to do is flip around your essay. There is no need for you to revise any content, you just need to change the format on the page so that you can deliver a much more impressive impact to the reader / reviewer. The format I see this paper taking is as follows:

For the Introduction and first - third paragraph:

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon when my aunt, Modesta, my parents and I decided to go out in search of a birthday gift for my grandmother, who was turning 75...

We drove to the nearest jewelry store and entered without any hesitation. Upon entering, a white gentleman approached and greeted us. He asked us if we needed any help...

As a Latino immigrant, I can say that there is one common goal that my family and the families of many other immigrants in this country share...

This was, by far, the worst experience that I had ever encountered in my life. The only good thing about this incident was the fact that I was able to learn how to approach problems like these...

Presented this way, you immediately deliver the necessary event that occurred and then offer a commentary regarding what happened, then finally, bring the discussion full circle by relating it all back to your experience and what you learned from it.

Graduate / SOP PhD Interdisciplinary biosciences. Methods to answer fundamental questions on how organisms work [12]

Athanasios, while I understand that you have submitted a separate PhD proposal for your scholarship application, it would be more informative for you scholarship SOP if you mention your thesis title and the name of the publication that it is being considered for. This is to help the reviewers confirm the information that you are providing. These days, it is important that you provide verifiable information in your essay. You never know when they might secretly confirm your claims as part of the vetting process. So be specific and make sure you can support your claims :-)

Now, when you discuss your desire to assist with Pr0f.******, expand upon the information if you can by tying your PhD proposal with the research of this professor. If possible, explain how you will be able to enhance his research so that there will be a solid sense of possible academic achievement and potential on your part. While you have mentioned your credentials previous to your application for a PhD, informing them of your future ambitions, academic intentions, and possibilities will further create the solid platform for your potential success that the essay requires.

When it comes to your scholarship need, the part where you say :

I have amassed approximately £4,200

You need to inform the scholarship committee that you plan to use the full amount for your academic pursuits. Just clarify it for the reviewer because you have a hanging sentence at the moment that does not have a clear message.

The overall content of your SOP is strong enough to plead your case. A little adjustment to the content should help make it much stronger for consideration. Good luck with your application!

Scholarship / I need help appealing the loss of my scholarship [6]

If you want to add extenuating circumstances, aside from the focus on your identity crisis, then use only the story of your mother as a representation of that. The only reason that I suggest the case of your mother is because the sense of family loss is most often considered an extenuating circumstance that could affect your mindset and in the process, your study habits and eventual GPA. The part about not having a laptop and fear for your security on campus are not exactly extenuating.

Not having a laptop and the security issue on campus are 2 things that you could have found a way to work around effectively. However, you failed to do that so you should find a more emotionally appealing reason for your failure. I apologize for not knowing that there are "special circumstances" allowed in your essay at you did not mention it in the instructions. Had I known, I would have suggested that you keep your mother's story immediately.

Undergraduate / Trying to understand phenomena and some "why's" behind them - admission into Computer Science [8]

Chiko, I edited your essay to make it tighter and more interesting as a personal statement. Please note the strikeouts and the explanations I will be providing. I may offer additional instructions per paragraph as well.

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...

... As I became immersed into the wonder of artificial intelligence, I started discerning patterns as a new world was revealed to me. The buzzing of the electric kettle had new meaning, the time on my wristwatch had a story of its own, so did my alarm clock; they had all been programmed! Sleeping or eating became secondary pastimes, everything started revolving around the new marvel that was unraveling.

- Keep the focus only on computer and programming related discussions. That is the sole focus of this personal statement. We need to prove the method the development of your interest in computers and programming.

Naturally, my desire to master this fascination and use it to solve my own problems came to the fore. I discovered there were languages that computers understood with instructions that explicitly declared what should happen when a certain event occurs. This realization set my imagination alight! I taught myself programming...

- Always go direct to the point in your paragraphs. It is senseless for you to be using word fillers when the reviewer has a limited time to review your work.

Coupled with my creative, forward thinking skills from chess that earned me numerous titles at provincial and national level, I knew my knack for strategizing and thinking creatively could be romantically married with computing power to create beautiful solutions. In my first endeavor using tools and open source software that I adapted to my needs, I created an online resource center that made scarce resources shareable within schools in my region. Can you imagine the glorifying feeling of leading a team of junior students, without no clear pathway in sight, just led by vision and desire to create something useful?Marshalling Marshaling and uniting different forces towards an end only my vision had painted, imparting the knowledge I knew and having to entrust part of that vision in others, the experience taught me a lot about leadership and teamwork.

- Never pose a question in an essay that you are not going to be providing an answer to. Do not ask the reviewer questions, he doesn't have the time to analyze the meaning of your words and queries.

As a person who got by on my self taught skills and talents, the lack of a college degree did not deter one of the established web companies in xxx from hiring me as a software developer...

- What proof can you offer to further strengthen this claim? Explain how the company came to know about you and why they decided to hire you.

However, through my experience, the need to thoroughly understand academic foundations of computing and software engineering at a deeper level... I look forward to exchanging ideas with other talented individuals. We are living at a time when technology is moving rapidly and changing the face of industries, making things easier and faster and I want to be at the forefront of this growing trend, crafting solutions that create employment in developing economies.

-The comment about meeting other people is not necessary at the moment. You just need to focus on the more personal aspect of this statement.

Apply the changes as i have provided them and then we will review the paper again. Maybe we can finalize the content after this edit ;-)

Scholarship / Making History - Marching Band Essay [5]

Alyssa, put the brakes on your essay. Your narrative does not respond to the prompt at all. You have written a personal experience essay instead of an obstacle essay. You did not indicate any personal obstacle that you had to overcome on your way to victory. In fact, the story that you told does not, in any way, represent any hardship you had to overcome.

The scholarship committee will be looking for a personal story of hardship or difficulty that will showcase your positive attitude towards life, your hopeful sentiments, and your ability overcome difficulties. They are looking for traits that will tell them that you will be a positive role model and exemplary individual who can represent their scholarship objectives. At the moment, your essay does not deliver that image of you.

Try to do some soul searching. Think back to a time when you failed or felt you could not proceed with doing something in your life, and yet found a way to accomplish what you set out to do. That is the kind of story that you should be sharing in this essay response. Sometimes, looking into the background of the scholarship foundation can help you develop the story from your background that can best deliver their expectations. Look into the history of the scholarship and their objectives or goals. Maybe there was a time in your life when you embodied that so you can tell them about it. Just make sure there is an obstacle involved in the story. Of course, you should somehow connect it the way that experience will enhance your academic and personal experiences while you are a student at the university.

Scholarship / Making History - Marching Band Essay [5]

Alyssa, did you write this essay in response to a specific prompt from the scholarship application? If so, kindly provide us with a copy of the instructions you were given. At the moment, I don't really see how your marching band story fits in with the application. Why the concentration on this activity? How come you have not made any specific reference to the reason why you require this scholarship? What qualifications do you have aside from band membership that could be compelling enough of a reason for you to become a candidate for the scholarship?

Basically, what you have right now is a personal statement. It's relevance to the scholarship application is something that i have yet to determine because of the lack of information on your part. It is an interesting read and delivers a good insight into an activity that seems to be an integral part of your life. So maybe this essay will work for your application. Or maybe it won't. My comments and opinions are still subject to change depending upon the complete instructions that I hope you will be providing soon. I look forward to reviewing your work a second time using the correct criteria for your application.

Graduate / Need help improvising and editing! Why would you like to join one of our Management Schools? * [3]

Shri, what is the word limitation on this essay? You seem to have written a very short and less than developed response to the prompt. The reasons for your interest in the universities border on the generic and do not really offer any impression of you having actually done the research involved in answering this prompt. You are trying to convince the reviewer that you are a good candidate for these universities even though you have absolutely no concrete idea as to what classes you will be taking, what your plans are for your inclusive development (academically and intellectually).

Be more specific. Opt for a university and use that university name in the application. After all, the prompt is asking you why you would like to join one, not all, of their management schools. Therefore, you need to look into the various offerings that accompany the course curriculum at the school. So do some digging, look into the background of the school and find your commonalities. Discuss how you feel these similarities can help you become a better student and why you would be a good addition to their roster of students. Mention how you see the university programs helping you to become a unique graduate if possible. Don't just rattle off pointless information. Have a purpose for discussion in this essay. That is the only way to make it stronger and better than it is at the moment.

Scholarship / I need help appealing the loss of my scholarship [6]

Zainab, the first thing that the reviewer will think and concentrate upon in this essay is the fact that you have an identity crisis regarding your major. As you know, scholarships are given for a specific course in college and are not easily transferable from one course to another. Regardless of all the reasons that you gave for the decline in your grades, it is the identity crisis that will stick with the reviewer and will make them question if you are still fit for the scholarship or worse, if your new career direction suits the original scholarship criteria that you qualified for.

As for the rest of the reasons for your lack of focus, from your lack of laptop, to security concerns, and your mother's illness, all of these are secondary to the main reason that you fell behind academically. In all honestly, I would rather that you just concentrate on the academic reasons for your grade failure instead of mentioning loose teeth and your mother's illness. Mostly because those factors, save for your mother's illness could have easily been remedied and need not have affected your overall performance as a student.

Concern for your security on campus, the lack of a laptop, and an identity crisis are the more acceptable reasons for a failing GPA. Personal reasons for the failure in your case just tells the reviewer that you were not ready to become a college student in the first place. So if I were you, I would just concentrate on developing the more acceptable, academic reasons for your failure. That may win you more consideration from the review committee.

By the way, you should mention the new major that you are thinking of enrolling in. Keep in mind what I said about the scholarship possibly not being transferable so you have to mention that and explain why they should allow your request to change your major (if ever).

Scholarship / 'My academic success stems from math and science'. Suggestions on the content and how to improve it. [2]

Brayan, if you are planning to use this for a scholarship application, you have a lot of work to do in terms of revising it. You are offering a lengthy discussion of what you want to study, what you have studied, and how you have studied it. As a biographical narrative and a discussion of your major, this statement certainly does the job. As an application essay, the reviewer will start reading the first few sentences and have immediate boredom set in. He won't finish reading this because it does not tell him anything about why you deserve the scholarship. It takes to long to get to the point, which will definitely not work in your favor.

What you have to do is revise this essay. Redirect the content to instead showcase what your ambitions for your future are. Detail your plans for your future that can only happen if you complete your studies. No, I do not mean the flashy car and money in the bank. Think of a more intimate ambition such as ending world hunger and bringing world peace. I know, its an exaggeration on my part but those are the kinds of ideas that the scholarship will be impressed to know about and help them decide if your dreams and ambitions for the future, both personal and social, are a good fit for their requirements.

Remember, you have to sell the the scholarship committee on the idea that your dreams and ambitions are something that are attuned to their foundation goals, missions, and objectives. If you can align their expectations with your skills, ambitions, and current achievements, then you will stand a good chance of being considered for the scholarship.

Undergraduate / Trying to understand phenomena and some "why's" behind them - admission into Computer Science [8]

Chiko, try to rephrase the beginning of your essay. Don't say "From a very young age" because that is a term that is always used by the students to reinforce their interest in a subject. Try to make the essay sound more conversational by using terms that you would actually find yourself using if you were talking to a person face to face. For example, you can say "When I was 15, I had my first opportunity to use a computer. From the moment I saw the red line indicating my spelling mistake, I was hooked. How was this machine able to decipher what I typed and decide that I had done something wrong? I needed to find out how that happened..." That type of opening statement tells the reviewer more about you than simply saying "From a very young age..."

You should also consider expanding upon the discussion regarding the club that you co-founded. Detail what your position was and the kind of participation that you had at the start and at present within the club. This is your chance to showcase your leadership and other team work related abilities so make sure to highlight it in the essay.

Now, I have found that there is a disturbing trend among the college applicants these days. It is not necessary to be all negative about your shortcomings in your essay. I refer in particular to your statement that indicates:

Even though I could not pursue a college education after high school due to financial constraints, I was offered a job as a Drupal developer at a distinguished web company.

Going all negative on yourself and trying to invoke self pity in the essay will not work when the other applicants are hellbent on proving that they have the ability to go after their dreams in life, even if there are obstacles in their path. Reword that part to sound more positive and impressive by saying something like :

As a person who got by on my self taught skills and talents, the lack of a college degree did not deter the Drupal company from hiring me as a software developer for their company. Thus proving that when a person is naturally talented, a college degree can come later on in his life. I am living proof of that.

Also, you can omit this part of your essay:

I am fully confident that granted a chance to work and exchange ...

The reason you can omit it is because you are just saying the same thing that the other applicants are reciting in their own conclusions. Make yours stand out by offering an idea as to where you see yourself after graduation instead. What are your plans for your future? Explain how this degree will be the first step towards that direction for you. The reviewer will be more interested to read about that than why you think you are amply equipped to become a student.

Graduate / Personal Statement of MPH - Education, research & experience [8]

Ngoc, that is actually a question you should be asking yourself. You of all people should know if the essay that you are reading already responds as best as you can to the prompt, offers a complete picture of who you are as a person in relation to the prompt, and gives you the confidence to believe that the response developed is one that will help you become a strong contender for admission.

As far as I am concerned, the essay is fit for use and ready for submission. My point of view is that we have done all of the work that can be done in terms of preparing this essay to make you a strong candidate for admission. There does not seem to be anything else remaining to be said, to be adjusted, or to be revised. You can already submit this essay for consideration in my opinion.

is there anything else in the essay that you think you want to adjust, change, or add? If you feel that way even a little, then the essay is not yet ready to submit. This essay will only be ready to submit when you have complete confidence in the content of the essay :-) Again, I think you can submit this already. if you agree with me, then go ahead and submit this immediately :-)

Scholarship / The song "Win" by Brian McKnight is about hope, faith, and perseverance - and it expresses who I am [2]

Sid, the first experience that you related in your response, while interesting, does not have the same impact and connection to the song elements as your second experience does. If you were to not include the part about failing the test, and instead told the story about having to shut down the operations of your venture, the message and inspiration of the song in your life becomes stronger, more relevant, and strengthening.

If you are thinking about how you will not be meeting the word count if you relay only one story, you will be wrong. The maximum word count is just the guide by which your essay content and length can be controlled by the reviewer. The idea is to make sure you do not go overboard in expressing yourself. So as long as you are above the minimum but not over the maximum, your essay will be more than acceptable and will be better appreciated by the reviewer :-)