Dissertations / Suggest me what topic should i take in Finance and management in Phd [5]

Congratulations on succeeding with the entrance test.

This is not a field I know much about, but I want to know what are 5 articles you have recently read. If you tell me the titles of 5 articles that are no older than 2005, it will help me to see what aspects of econ. interest you.

By getting familiar with what people have written in the past 5 years, you will know how to approach your topic of interest.

If you want to see a list, google this:
list research topics finance

Undergraduate / helping others and giving back to the community - UC Prompt 1 [3]


You used the same sentence form 2 x in a row here at the start. Let's cut off the beginning fo the second sentence, like this:

Throughout the years, I have wanted to become either a stockbroker or economist, or a lawyer, a doctor, etc.--- that will vary the rhythm.

I think etc. is a weak term to use. "and so on" is better if that sort of device is necessary.

I love to smile. And I love to make others smile, which is why giving back to the community and helping others is so important to me. Replace this cheesy part with some discussion of a few fields you MIGHT go into. Know what I mean? Instead of acting like you really have no idea, tell us what the possibilities are. What are the three fields you are most likely to get into?

Not only has community service helped me--- maybe you should use the theme of service to explain your career ideas.

It's not impressive to just say you do not know. That is cool when you say it, but then show a few examples of possibilities. I hope this makes sense... :-)

Writing Feedback / Narrative: an exciting protagonist in Toy Story 2. [2]

The story is built around the protagonist in that the protagonist is always taking the initiative. ------This is a strange way to begin the essay. The essay should probably begin with a sentence that includes the title and an observation about it. Write an intro paragraph, and let this paragraph be the first body paragraph.

End the sentence with a period:
In order to have a successful story you need an exciting protagonist. In T oy Story 2 they had an exciting ..

Do not capitalize unnecessarily:
The story is based on what the characters are doing -- their actions. The characters objective is to save Woody and they want to save him, but in order to save him they need to leave the house and ...

As previously stated, character and story are inseparable, since your story is basically what your characters are doing.

This is a cool essay. It just needs an intro paragraph that presents this idea "crime doesn't pay" and alos the other main ideas of your essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Decisions should be made alone or not [6]

You take a step, but you MAKE a decision.

...if they are not made after careful thought.

If one person makes a decision on his own, there...

...prior to making the decision, then it is very likely ...

...advised me not to make that decision because we have very little compatibility between us. Though it was quite painful, I gave lot of consideration to my parent's advice and decided to stop our affair. ----- sounds like an example of a decision you should NOT let others make with you.

Secondly, you would not have to repent later for your adamant behavior if you consulted others before making the decision, which is very important for your life. ---- good point!!

It is always better to make the important decisions in life very carefully. Therefore, in my conclusion, I stress that important decisions in life should not be made alone.

Writing Feedback / a one-page essay (how you relax after getting home from school or work.) [5]

What I Do When I Get Home

When I get home every day from my school at 1:30, it is as if I am swimming in a pool of sweat.

I take off my shoes and my socks, for my sweaty feet are begging for air. Next, I immediately head to the kitchen to greet my mother, who is cooking lunch, and kiss her right hand and her head.

Trying to lessen the extreme heat, I sit on the chair in front of the air-conditioner and drink three glasses of water.

I wash my white socks in the sink by myself and hang them behind the bathroom door to be dried, so I can wear them the next day.

As I finish, I call all my family members to come for lunch. During the lunch, each one of my family members talks about his day.

Nice job! Only small mistakes...

:-)

Undergraduate / It's time to do what you have been working towards for 11 years. Peabody admission [4]

...so old and stale for me that it wasn't getting any better; i t was getting worse.

One of the worst feelings in the world to me is getting on stage, performing, and hearing the applause for a piece that I don't like, and am not passionate and committed to. ---- I like the way you PROVE your expertise by making this observation that only a musician could make. Great idea...

Let's fix the verb tense here: For the first time in as long as I can could remember, I felt completely relaxed and at ..

Oh, you do a great job of soothing the reader's senses with interestingly constructed sentences. Sometimes, you should use some short ones. But really, this is good stuff... your writing must be as rhythmic as your music.

Scholarship / My life has been much less of a straight line ; Peace Corps/ Different cultures [4]


Try to be more efficient by using fewer words when it will not detract from the meaning. Like this:

Having Growing up in Washington, I was confronted with faced different cultures rather early on in my life. There were always kids from far off countries in my classes, and I routinely ran into foreign nationals on the streets as we lived so near embassy row. Interacting with people of other cultures became more or less normal I would say. At the end, I cut out that whole sentence so that the reader could draw the conclusion on her own.

My favorite sentence: This was a lesson to me about understanding a different point of view, without judging it, and I think I did alright.--- this conveys a lot of positive energy, I think.

I think your conclusion deserves to be longer, with more discussion of the implications! :-)

Writing Feedback / Malaysia, Philippines, USA - Biography essay... am I on the right track? [4]

I think it will be better and more interesting if you cut out the first part:
This may come as no surprise to you, but As a young...

I don't think rudimentary is exactly the right word...

US
U.S.

Nice use of elevator-less!!! Never seen that one before...

Education is the key that can open doors to multitudes of opportunities-opportunities that I sought tirelessly to acquire. ---- let's take all the material about education's value and replace it with sentences about the particular subjects that you want to pursue. Make this essay mostly about your aspirations for the future, and consider taking out at least one of the sentences about how terrible you were when you were younger.

:-)

Undergraduate / "serving others can change your life" - Presbyterian College Essay. [3]


Right here, I wish you would add one more sentence before ending the paragraph. It needs a sentence to introduce the main idea you are going to describe. You introduce the idea that service can enhance perspective, but I think you can add a sentence that says specifically what mechanism or phenomenon causes service to lend perspective. Give the memorable "message to the reader" before ending that first para.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to get good grades" - Personal statement on academic performance [5]


I don't understand this sentence...
Maintaining an above average GPA had taken a toll on my mind, but if I learn from the struggle I will eventually overcome it.

Actually, I like the idea of cutting that sentence out:
Maintaining an above average GPA had paid a toll on my mind but if you learn from it, you'll eventually overcome it. Throughout my years...

:-)

Undergraduate / My resiliency: personality you are most proud of, and how has it impacted you [2]

More words than necessary here:
find myself among experience, I always manage to find ...

my way to the original path meant for me. It is impossible to describe with words in this limited space how much negative sentiment I have flowing through my body each time I get rejected from an ...

Capitalize:
As the old saying goes, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." To me, it is impossible to...

I think you go on for too long discussing resiliency, and that instead you should cut some of the discussion to make room for a paragraph about the importance of resiliancy in this program you choose or in the career you choose.

Undergraduate / "Promoting bilingualism" UT Issue for Admission [3]


This whole essay is very well-written. I just hope your AO reader is not someone who identifies with the "English Only" movement!

I have need many more years of studying the Spanish language and it's intricacies before I can call myself truly bilingual.

I am impressed... if you want other ideas to support your argument, you can talk about globalization, about the fact that bilingualism has a number of cognitive benefits, and about the fact that America is supposed to be a "melting pot" of cultures.

Scholarship / "Perfect and plain life" - factors that have most shaped your life and aspirations [4]


It is better to not use the sentence fragment. Make it a complete sentence:
Life was perfect to me, but also plain -- plain because most of the time we studied and our parents worked.

My parents would buy anything I wanted, and so I naively viewed believed perfection came naturally.


Ha ha, very funny and cool. You wrote this well.

Use use excellent imagery; this is enjoyable to read.

I'm sure I am not the most unfortunate, in rank, one person in the world, but I have experienced enough adversity to really compel me toward success; I take advantage of the inevitable hardships.

Writing Feedback / UNEDUCATED Vs EDUCATED (WHO TEACHES WHO?) [5]

I agree...people learn from experience as well as education, so obviously uneducated people CAN teach educated people.

Google this: Sojourner Truth

Use commas in this kind of situation:
Therefore uneducated people, too, possess valuable knowledge which they have acquired through experience.
Whenever there is "too" in the middle of a sentence, and it is used to mean "also" you should use commas.


Wow, very impresive! You write strong sentences.

In the Tao Te Ching is says "much knowledge means little wisdom."
Chapter 48 says, in pursuit of knowledge, every day something is acquired. In pursuit of Tao, every day something is dropped.
Look at Richard Rodriguez's "The Achievement of Desire" if you want to see a great essay about this.

You did very well.

Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

Well, now that you mention it... um, this seems like it could be improved:


Brown is not only known for students skilled in...

That will subtly achieve the effect you want. I like it!

Undergraduate / essay about how do you think that studying economics will help you in your major [4]

Yeah! That's what I think, too! What is your major, Judy? I'm glad you joined EssayForum.

Graduate / applying for Police officer (essay about an policeman carrying an educational book) [3]

Hello,
It sounds like we need a descriptive essay. Is this for a class assignment, or are you in a law enforcement program?

Google this: how to write a descriptive essay.

Start with a single sentence. What is the first sentence that comes to mind?

Grow your sentence into a paragraph by using some more sentences to explain and give examples.

Post the paragraph here so that we can see what this is all about and help.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Entrepreneurship" - The Essay about intellectually excitement [5]

Let's take out that comma before "until now."

... at age nine, I was curious about the influence of religions on human psychological evolution and how they shaped ...-----I added a word that I think makes this better. You can google "evolutionary psychology" to see what I am thinking of.

I went to business workshops at night and discussed with adults their entrepreneurial experiences to learn their secrets. ------- This and other well structured sentences are very impressive!!!

Everything is possible, and all we need to learn is exactly "how" to actualize our ideas, and this is the question I ponder about . I know I will find the answer.

You never need to write "ponder about"
Just write "ponder." example: I ponder the nature of polyester.

Letters / How to write a good recomendation letter? (MS Program) [19]

Excellent! You have a good positive attitude my little Goni; this is a funny post, too.

It seems to me that a teacher should probably have a lot of notes and portfolios for each student, and the school transcript should provide any other necessary info. But it probably makes it easier when students write their own letters of rec.

Undergraduate / FSU prompt, focused on Artes aspect (Beauty of Intellectual Pursuits) [6]

Use paragraphs. That is the way to hit the reader will solid doses of information.

In the first paragraph, discuss the main message you want them to remember. For example, it might be this: I found artes in the pursuit of basketball and guitar, two challenging pursuits that have helped me understand human creativity.

In the next few paragraphs, use this rule:
one paragraph = one idea.

The idea of each paragraph supports the main idea from the thesis. You might have one about basketball and another about guitar.

But do not write it as one long paragraph or it will be a mess. :-)

Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

I know I am too late, but I wanted to say I hope it went well and also that a good strategy is to turn the interview around and interview them. Imagine that you are skeptical about the school and that you have to really put this person to the test. This will enable you to ask intelligent questions confidently and really have a meaningful discussion with the interviewer, especially if you have done your research.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A soothing oasis - Why Swarthmore?" - Swarthmore Supplement [9]

3000 species of plants. 1500 students. Among oftentimes mind-numbing college tours, this quirky characteristic of Swarthmore stuck with me...
I though about improving the clarity here by adding the name of the school. But actually, maybe it is not necessary, since the AO reader will know what you are talking about. I think some of our initial confusion may not be an isue for the AO reader either, now that I am thinking of it differently...

The interpretation theory stuff does seem to fit. I like this essay a lot now... maybe some of its value was lost on me the first time, for whatever reason. This is impressive. It deserves to be longer, but you have a maximum word count to stay within... so... this seems very good, very efficient and interesting. The explanation of your history interests is great, too.

Undergraduate / My struggle with teamwork and leadership [5]


hahahhah nice job! The admissions office reader probably sees so many essays about "I am a natural leader" that it is refreshing to see one like this.

Murtaza is correct about Not. Another option is to do this:
I acted this way not because I couldn't do the work but because I was uncomfortable working with people.

Grant, I think most of this should be revised. Put it in this form:
Discuss academic achievements
Discuss interests
Discuss experiences
Do this in three brief paragraphs.

Undergraduate / 'overcoming and becoming' -FSU prompt (Vires, Artes, Mores) [3]

...are what have actually transformed me into the woman I am today. ---- this is a little bit cliche. Can you say something more specific?

When talking about "vires" one may only think about physical strength. I strongly believe Strength is an essential quality in a person whether it be physical, moral, or intellectual.----- no, I think this is bad, because you are using their idea... just talking about vires, not about your experiences.

Oh, I'm sorry about the accident with your friends. That is a good example, and you explained it well.
I think seeing a hurt friend also can give you strength by giving you the perspective that makes you know how precious life is... and when you are aware of the preciousness, it makes you have strong resolve.

Writing Feedback / Creative Writing Narrative - Academic Decathlon [2]

I'm in the virtual presence of greatness.

Here are some ideas for you:
Neither one of us paid much attention to his speech. Neither one of us remembered what he said. Neither one of us wanted...

She slit the throat of silence and pulled...

This has a cool, weird ending! Thanks for sharing it. I think you need to be a little clearer in the first para so that the reader can understand exactly what happened; it's confusing.

Writing Feedback / A broad essay assignment called "Who Are We?" (antidepressant medication, depression) [3]

"Who are we, as patients or participants in our medical communities?--- for this, you would write a report about current truths in the industry, but instead of writing in the third person perspective you would write it from your own perspective as a member of the group "Patients and participants in the med community."

Similarly, you will write:

As producers and consumers of depression medication, we are people concerned with chemicals...

You have to take inspiration from this cool approach, and write a great essay with a unique POV.

Graduate / the financial markets: MBA program admission Goal Statement essay [4]

I would like to help changing this misconception. the paragraph will be better without this sentence.

But my aim is to start a financial consulting firm focusing on helping small investors to achieve their financial freedom. --- can you be a little more specific by lengthening this sentence and telling just one or two more details of this vision for the future?

I've taken some small steps towards my lifetime goal. --- this is a sentence that could be replaced with a sentence that takes up a similar amount of space but conveys an idea that is more meaningful.

Really, this essay id solid. You have a clear goal, and you explained it well. I wish you luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: what sort of knowledge should universities provide to graduates? [8]

This is a good correction. Thanks Alahakon.

Another idea:
use "one one hand" ----> "on the other hand"

On one hand hand, universities should provide knowledge and skills which are practical and separated especially applicable to the branch you are studying. In order to educate experts in their branch the education should be more specific.

On the other hand, students...

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay/ describing the information in the two graphs below [2]

Maria, thanks for doing this! Ana, I think this is the kind of essay that should help you improve your skill a lot. It is the kind of essay that I think will help you if you practice the correct version of each sentence 10 x each. Speak and type each sentence ten times.

Also, add a conclusion sentence at the end so that the essay will end with a conclusion/observation about the whole 2-graph presentation.

:-)

Writing Feedback / compare team sports and individual sports [2]

"Let" is okay. "Enable" is better.
In addition,team sports make enable us to know lots of abilities. --- actually it is best to do this:
In addition, playing team sports helps us to develop lots of abilities.

Capitalize the first word of each sentence!
...each of our teammate. So, naturally we could develop our abilities that I mentioned above.

2 m's...
arrange your teammate 's time plan and should decide the place where you play.

In turn,team sports need be more intricate processes for us to enjoy.

Even though some preparation is necessary for doing sports with other people,team sports involve more fun in my point of view.

:-)

Research Papers / US Government Censorship: Essay Written a Year Ago - What do you think about it? [2]

the government should not censor materials because by doing so, it violates the Constitution, suppresses information from us, and forces people to conform to the views of the...--------this sentence uses too many words to express its meaning. Censorship is a powerful method of social control. This can be said simply, but actually it is too simple as a thesis. It is necessary to dig a little deeper.

You say it is okay to censor "pornography and racist remarks which can encourage Americans to act in rebellious manners," but who is qualified to decide what falls into these categories? If you have these categories you still allow censorship, and it is still possible that people can use it for social control.

So the task for you is to go a bit deeper into the discussion and discuss the way to decide what should and should not be censored.

You even argue against showing sexually explicit material, but that stuff is not nearly as harmful as, for example, material that teaches how to make a bomb to put on a train. So it is more complicated than you are making it sound.

Sorry to be critical!! :-)

Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]

Hi Mark,

Sometimes we have some great arguments here.

Nah, don't hesitate to get into the scuffle. And Rich, I appreciate your enthusiasm despite the crudeness in this particular thread. These threads can create passionate argument, and sometimes it is okay to be a little aggressive. Writers need to be tough, and I think Zak can handle it! Truthfully, if being a fan of google makes someone a tool I am the biggest tool of all. But maybe the company participates in evil practices I do not know about? Their company motto is "Don't be evil," but that does not mean they are not evil.

but this does not make them evil:


Welcome to the Information Age, Rich.

:-) Also, I am likely to say things that are too harsh, sometimes, too, so I apologize in advance.

Scholarship / Personal statement for scholarship & housing grant [2]

Mark: I think one of the mods deleted the original essay because Mark pasted the whole thing instead of just taking out small sections to correct. It is better to not paste the whole essay if possible, Mark, and I think maybe we should try to make that clearer for people Thanks for your work, here, though, and all the work you do... I just wanted to say it is better, if possible, to paste only single sentences instead of the whole essay. It makes the student have to work to use the corrections, and it makes the thread neater.

For this... I would delete this sentence: The scholarship would help me finance my education, allowing me to focus on academic excellence and gaining valuable experience. --- too obvious!

Very impressive essay here...

Undergraduate / "Experiments on live animals" CHOOSE AN ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE TO YOU. TEXAS ESSAY. [6]

Hey, this is a beautiful essay. I'm sorry I did not get to participate in this discussion sooner. I would only change this:
My friend who also shares the same passion for animal testing went and talked to the manager, however he refused.----but it is not an important change! I would just change "for" to "about" because "passion for cooking" = a "love of cooking." Well, you know what I mean.

But forget that. This is a real accomplishment, very powerfully written. Congratulations about that victory at the store!!

Essays / Critical Reflection (personal concerns/challenges/enthusiams about what we learned) [3]


This is an interesting idea, and it could create a nice effect.

In APA style dissertations, the writer usually does not use first person. John Cresswell (2008) says qualitative research can involve first person but quantitative should not.

In a university essay about what YOU have learned, I really think you can use first person. The other option is to write about "the student" but that would be confusing. It depends on the professor! Ask her. But really, I think for this assignment first person is okay.

Scholarship / About "Parents" - Biographical Scholarship Essay (life challenges) [9]


Interesting!!

Hey, put a period at the end of that first paragraph.

use hyphens:
self-sufficient
eight year-olds

Great job with this!!

I feel it has been a weakness it has repressed prevented me from living carelessly.

Essays / About how "honesty is the best policy" is not always true. Help me get started T.T [2]

I had a bad argument with my roommate. I said that you obviously have to lie sometimes if your nation is being invaded, of someone is trying to harm you, and so forth. Moreover, I said if this gray area exists, then there are also other situations that warrant lying. He said no, that honesty is important in almost all situations.

I think we had a misunderstanding... we must mean the same thing. If you were part of the underground railroad helping slaves escape to freedom in 19th century America, you would have been lying sometimes.

Sometimes it is necessary to lie in order to compensate for other people's aggressive or zany actions. Ha ha... I hope that helps you get some ideas...

Scholarship / "I am very close with my family" - Scholarship Essay [3]

As a matter of style and focus, it might be best not to include the names:
At home, I live with my dad Craig, my mom Lisa, my older sister Candice, my twin sister Briana, and my younger brother Craig II. ---The sentence can be more efficient without the names. Yet, if you want to include them as tribute to the people, that is cool!

In about ten to twenty years I see myself as a successful R.N. or a bank teller at a successful bank. ---- what?! These are very different. I wonder what it is that makes you like this combination. I urge you to spend one hour each day researching career options to make sure you keep all your options open and choose the best courses.

Hey, I think you will be well received. This is impressive, and you have a great writing style. I hope, though, that you can find a way at the end of the first and last paragraphs to express a theme that unites the main ideas of the essay -- family, determination, nursing/banking (??), Auntie Anne, and so forth. What unites these ideas? Express an overarching theme.

Undergraduate / Poker: Significant Experience Personal Essay [6]

Simply outwitting the simplistic programming of a 1990's computer poker---- I think it is better without this word.


For this part, I would like it better this way:
I found the secret to being successful and reaching my full potential in a lesson from the game of poker a lesson about thinking outside the box - divergent thinking - to discover what works within of the bounds of the rules, even if it means defying conventional actions.

This is a good idea for an essay! Can you make a connection between poker and the field of study that interests you?

Undergraduate / "What don't you know?" seahorses [6]

This is great, and I like the seahorse theme. If you were going to be a marine bio major it would be especially great. I think the essay should end with a sentence that includes the phrase "don't know" in it, though.

Also, this part can be cut, I think:
The only way that I could ever figure out what I don't know is by asserting what I know from what I don't know first. I agree with what Anatole France's words. So let me continue to define my 17 year's wealth of knowledge so that when I am done, I will know that whatever I didn't mention is what I don't know. It is spoonfeeding the reader, not letting the reader interpret on her own. Also, you used assert when you should have used discern. Also, you used So twice awkwardly in the same sentence. I do really like this thing about "whatever I did not mention is what I don't know... very clever.. Try to find a way to keep that, but consider cutting the rest of this part.

You are great!