Writing Feedback / The question is "How have you changed in the last five years?" [6]

Oh, I see what Eram is talking about:


Look, you also need to change then to than! :-)

I still remember there was a period of time that I just hoped some accidents would happen to end my life. ---Wow, this is dark and gloomy! When you hope for this, you must really hate your job! Well, I guess it is time to start doing work you really care about. I bet you would be able to do very goodwork with bilingual children.

Everything in this world is based on the law of 'cause and effect'.

I want to tell you about the verb tense that uses the word "had."
Then, one day, I realized that the life in my college' days was totally different. I thought, "I used to be an active and very happy girl." I realized that I had lost myself and I wanted to recall those days.

REALIZED and WANTED happen in the past tense, but LOST happened an even longer time ago. When you are remembering a situation in the past, and you mention something even further in the past, you need "had."

Oh, actually I see that you already understand this rule, because you used it perfectly here: Sometimes, I think if I hadn't felt a deep sense of isolation during my working days, I would never have had a chance to study abroad and to realize my life is amazing.

Have no doubts as you continue with your work. You are obviously going to be a success in what you do!

I notice you mentioned EssayForum in your essay! That is really nice, thank you.

Writing Feedback / Students should study alone or in organized groups? IELTS writing task pratice. [5]


Strunk and White is what I recommend more than anything, really. And yeah, lately I have had this idea stuck in my head: they need to practice speaking and typing the sentence correctly 10 times, or there is no way to reprogram the brain! :-)

Undergraduate / Idea for a perspective essay about diversity and different perspectives [5]

Great idea, Rena. Standing on your head is a great way to gain a new perspective. Do not make it the main focus of the essay, though. Make it one of the topic paragraphs, and you can also make it your theme. But end the first para with a sentence that tells a main idea that is about perspective, not standing on your head.

It is a great theme!!


This essay is not about sports, KathyLala. It is about what seems prevalent in America. So what do Americans value -- sportsmanship or winning?

Use examples, such as performance enhancing drugs, games won with poor sportsmanship, and so forth. This is about psychology, not sports.
Anyway, next time you have a question please start a new thread. You can link people to it if you want to, but start a new thread.

Undergraduate / "Energy Responsibility" - UT Austin application essay Topic E [6]

I think you need periods:
U.S.

Yeah, and if it appears at the end of a sentence then you just use one of those as the period at the end of the sentence: Oil is something upon which people are too dependent in the U.S.

Don't start a para with a fact:
According to the CIA World Factbook (2009), the United States is the --- precede this with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph.

This essay is very good! I am not surprised, because the feedback you give people is always impressive. I want to share something with you about this kind of paper: Let the raw data -- quotes, facts, statistics, etc. -- serve as the skeletons of paragraphs. You might have one para for every piece of data.

Paste the data onto the page, and then precede it with a topic sentence. Then, add a sentence of explanation, elaboration, etc. and finally, conclude the para with a sentence that will transition to the next para (or reflect on the implications). I am telling you that not because you seem to need instruction, but because you are cool and I wanted to share my trick for writing research papers effortlessly.

Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]


That is a pretty awful thing to say to one of our new members. I apologize on behalf of Rich Monte.


Holy moly, this is where you lost me... You get the Most Complicated Sentence Award.
I see that Stephanie did a great job to help with it.

If you want to write about the interesting aspects of Google, you can write about their innovative methods for fostering creativity among employees, the complexity of their page rank system, and so forth. Do a little research and mention some of the interesting points. Also, if possible it would be great to tell how Google is relevant to your intentions for your time at Brown.

Undergraduate / My years in Dubai, Stanford Supplement Short Essays - intellectually engaging [7]

This activates the reader's imagination, very effective... I think it's good! I don't like this sentence, though:
Coming to Dubai has made me go through some pretty bad things, made me witness some pretty bad sights, made me learn of a world my brain would still be unaware of had I not been here.---you can find a better word than 'things' and you also should probably use "caused me to" instead of "made me"

:-)

Writing Feedback / Students' academic performance strongly reflects their teachers' teaching performance. [8]


Yeah, I think this kid could pass a test with even higher standards. This is solid English writing.

Undergraduate / "A soothing oasis - Why Swarthmore?" - Swarthmore Supplement [9]

Raised in a Jewish, starkly pro-Israel family and community, there is little room for the belief that Palestinians are unjustly treated. --- this sentence needs to be revised. Are you saying that your upbringing instilled biased views in your mind and that you want to open your mind to other perspectives? Revision is necessary, because "leaves little room"makes this confusing.

Like Linmark said, it seems like this is going to be about plants. That first part is confusing... I think you need a new first line, something that hints at your main idea. What is the main idea, really? Contrast of settings, new perspectives, a cool minor that other school's don't offer.. historiography. Historiography is something you will have to do as a historian regardless of your area of interest, but what countries do you want to focus on? What do you want to do for work?

Decide on a single message you want the reader to remember.

Undergraduate / "to expand my knowledge with engineering concepts" - University of Texas at Austin [3]


I guess if this was mine I would invest another sentence into this first paragraph, and divide this sentence into 3, so that it is easier to manage (for you and for the reader). I think you should take your time in the intro and tell the reader about the insight that led to this conclusion about the benefit of making a commitment, etc. Just add another sentence or two! :-)


This is what you should focus on more. This is your purpose. You should tell them the specifics about a methodically designed plan for this year and the coming years. Only mention your experiences briefly as ways of explaining your purpose. Revise so that the purpose is expressed in the intro, and explain the components of your plan when you write the body paragraphs. Know what I mean? You can say the same things you have said, but say them as explanations for the parts of your plan (i.e. plan for achieving your purpose.)

Undergraduate / "future engineers," College Essay - CAD test [3]


What does this mean?

He reminded me much of myself. --- you have to say what you mean if you want to support this. Otherwise it is like a loose end to be tied up. Are you saying he seemed proud and that you were proud?

Yes, so... this does not expose much about you, but it shares an experience. What is the significance of the experience?
Can you add an intro para and a conclusion para, and frame this material between them? Let them explain the significance and implications.

Undergraduate / "fast-paced city, clubs, opportunities" - Why Brown? [3]

Not knowing what that meant, I didn't proceed any further into the conversation. not helpful

In just one major I will get to learn about topics from other majors as well (I hate the way this sentence sounds). --- then just get rid of it. Think about your purpose. This is the way to do anything, not just writing: think of what you want to accomplish. You want the reader to know how serious and driven you are so she feels as passionate about your education as you do. Omit all sentences that do not contribute to achieving that purpose.

With a minor or double major) in environmental studies, I will... --- just keep it simple so the reader gets hit hard by your main idea.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "a rusty old chain on tree" descriptive essay, help w/ introduction, conclusion,title [3]


Someone who's never lived in my house might think I have an ordinary back yard.--- I fixed the sentence, but really... this intro sentence is meaningless. Why would anyone who has never lived in your house presume to know anything about the yard?

This is the way to begin:
My back yard is like a book where every page has a different story to tell and every sentence a happy memory.---- now this is a great sentence!!!!!!

I'll change it a little:
My back yard is like a book in which every page has a different story to tell and every sentence a happy memory.
That is the way to begin an essay!

As for the title, you have to choose one on your own!! :-)

Description like this needs more imagery words -- not just colors and images, but also sounds, smells, textures, etc. Add words that activate the reader's imagination.

Your conclusion, intro, and title all need to express the main idea. What is the insight you are sharing here? I know what it is, and you do too, for sure. Just come up with a clever 1.) phrase (title) 2.) sentence (thesis) and 3.) paragraph (conclusion) to express that main truth about the significance of one's place for memory making.

Undergraduate / "I am addicted to music" - Application Essay to University of Michigan [6]

You need a conjunction in this sentence, like "because."
While you may not choose to define this as a "community", it might as well be for me, because I've spent so much of my time with them.

This is a sentence fragment:
Which is really the point of making music, isn't it?
Connect it to the previous sentence with a dash:
that one part was -- which is ....

This needs to be an essay about the community and your place within it.
My name is <CENSORED>, and I am addicted to music. While it may be cheesy, it's kind of sad in the amount of truth is holds. Just about everyone ... scale, however, I've been spending a lot of time with a rock band, AriDew. ------------Begin with this sentence, and then describe the community. Then, describe how you fit into it. Be specific!

Undergraduate / Alternative Learning Experiences- Massage School & Traveling Abroad [6]

Hey, this is an interesting story, and it really is enjoyable to read. You have a nice writing style.

I see a place near the beginning where you have within as 2 words instead of 1 word as it should be...

So, this tells your story, but I assume other parts of the application involve essays in which you focus on your plan for the present and future?

With this essay, I mostly think you should work on getting rid of unnecessary words. You have a lot of inefficiency, and although those extra words and phrases have meaning when you write them, you need to revise with the reader in mind. Make it sleek.

...worlds. and realms.
College will take me and introduce me, to even greater lands that provide further inspiration for me.--- this is the stuff I am talking about. Trim away the excess.

Undergraduate / "Life is a ticket to the greatest show on Earth" -statement of purpose for Texas A&M [3]

Martin H. Fisher, a physician, once stated, "Life is a ticket...
Notice all the changes... a comma after stated, no need to mention both physician & doctor.

I have a desire, dream and willingness --- desire presupposes willingness. This might be overblown here...

...to earn my baccalaureate degree in agronomy. growing up in ---- Capitalize that G.

a middleclass average family I was not able to enjoy certain benefits as others would---- like what? middle class America = ridiculously rich in other cultures. All you are missing is the stuff enjoyed only by upper class Americans, so this might not really help you to win over the AO reader who is probably also middle class American.

Oh, I see what you are saying about Dad having to work hard... so, you should maybe discuss his sweaty work instead of social class.

without the aid of others---- we live in an era of high speed collaboration.

...my community in which children as I once was; could proudly see me as an example to fallow follow their dreams and free themselves from the barriers that people often place on them as young kids.

I think you should get more specific about what you want to do. I really like the idea about life being a ticket to a show!!

Graduate / Registered Dietitian - How to start a Career Objective essay: intellectual interests [3]

Good ideas from my old friend, Linmark. Haven't seen you for like 10 years... :-)

This essay lets you have about 5 paragraphs. One para will end in a thesis statement that has the concept that you want the reader to actually remember. Your essay boils down to that statement at the end of the first para.

So, that is what it is all about: one message to the reader. It is a message that can be hammered in with the use of three points, each to be expressed in the topic sentence of a body paragraph. Then, the conclusion is your chance to leave the reader with one last idea to think about as they contemplate your message.

So what is the message? Make it something useful to the reader, something inspirational or insightful. Your story has a moral, a theme.

Undergraduate / Running as the mental challenge - common application short answers feedback/edit [4]

Now, I can't picture my life without Running made me realize how much potential I possess can actualize if I only persevere.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Alexa" - ApplyTexas Essay Topic A [10]


I don't know, this seems pretty personal! I mean... it is very personal. I am not sure what the person must have meant when saying it needs to be more personal...

The is deep introspection. You notice your drive toward success, and you notice her potential, and it is almost like you want to make sure you fulfill your potential as a way of coping with the frustration she causes you! Ha ha... but seriously, focus on your own success, and by succeeding you will motivate her. Set yourself an October 1st deadline for a goal.

:-)

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]

I like it! Use a question mark:
Now as I look in the mirror I see "normal" -- or is that diversity staring back at me?

Graduate / "Marketing is a tool to drive a business forward" - SOP FOR A MBA Marketing [5]

I think the first sentence has got to go, because it is to obvious.
The second sentence needs this little change:
Coming from a business family I am already embedded with an inane sense about trying to understand consumer needs and demands while at the same time establishing products which try and best intended to fit in with their needs.

Brevity! Use no more words than necessary.
academic extra-curricular activities had only served to increased my interest in marketing activities of business organizations, my communication skills, and my leadership ability.

You are impressive! At the beginning I find myself wondering what it is that made YOU embrace this focus on marketing... is it just because your family does it? What it the significance to you?

In addition to maybe exploring that idea, try to find ways to make sentences and paragraphs shorter. You need to always go back and weed out the weak sentences so that the essay is intense and powerful.

Undergraduate / "expressing my true self to strangers" - Stanford intellectually engaged essay [4]


Very good writing here... oh, it's you Maggie, hello. I am not surprised about the good writing. You are a real writer, for sure. I recommend books by Ursula LeGuin, especially Steering the Craft.

was so unlike them.(I think a new paragraph should start after this)

Graduate / SOP for Phd in Aerospace Engineering [Hypersonic Flows] [7]

The first paragraph needs at least one personal detail. For example, ...my interest in hypersonic flows, which began when I was neglecting my homework in favor of a 2006 article by John Anderson, compels me to apply....

In that brief intro, give a brief glimpse into a personal experience. Otherwise it looks generic.

During my undergraduate degree in Mechanical Engineering, the fluid motion and its behavior under the application of different kinds of forces captivated my attention. (right after this, give a brief sentence to show what you mean, what kinds of ideas you had while feeling fascinated by it. Just make this a brief sentence.)

The department of Aerospace Engineering at [University] is recognized as one of the best aerospace engineering departments in the country, which offers an outstanding faculty and ample interdisciplinary research opportunities to lay down a strong foundation necessary for a successful researcher.

:-)

This is certainly impressive. Good luck in your fascinating work!

Writing Feedback / Students' academic performance strongly reflects their teachers' teaching performance. [8]

This is impressive. Your mistakes are very small ones, and the way you write in English really shows some mastery. Also, I like your idea! Most people argue against the notion of paying teachers according to academic outcomes, but you make a strong argument for it!

Very interesting... we need your help at EssayForum Contributor Page because you must have a lot of insight into ESL studies, and you can help a lot of people.

You will definitely pass the TOEFL. As for coming up with points to support your argument, the trick is to think of 3 points and express them in the first sentence of each BODY paragraph. Then, go back and write an intro that ENDS with a thesis sentence that expresses one big idea based on the three topic sentences (i.e. the topic sentence is the first sentence of a paragraph).

Undergraduate / From Hawaii to Boston - Boston University Supplement. [3]

I think you should cut the first half of the essay and start with this:
The MMEDIC program will enable me to enroll in BU'sBoston University's medical school early, which is...

This is the important stuff. Perhaps you should precede that sentence with a short, intriguing sentence about your professional goals.

Ah, wait a minute! I just read the prompt. Okay, I guess I think you should directly answer their question by saying you were searching for a school in Boston so that you could have a radical change, and then talk about continuing your research by learning about the med program, etc. Focus on your intellectual pursuits.

Undergraduate / "I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain"- issue of importance, UT of Austin [6]

trials and tribulations kids...

I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and did not stop coping in this fashion until I began to have harsh consequences four years later.--------This sounds like a case of blaming parents for one's mistakes. You will always have pain, but you have to stay focused on achieving your goals. This essay might strike the reader the wrong way, like you are making excuses and instead of just owning up to what you did you are transferring responsibility to your father.

---I finally acknowledged that my addiction had cost me so much.---- what did it cost you? In the previous paragraph you said you had consequences years later, but when I see this I still don't know what it cost you.

And what were you addicted to at such a young age? I am starting to wonder if it is necessary for you to tell all about your unwillingness to be reasonable back then, etc., because this is supposed to be about an issue of importance to you. This essay seems to include a lot of material that does not support the main idea.

What is your issue? Is it teenage drug abuse? Use your intro and conclusion to express clearly what the issue is. :-)

Speeches / Jamie, a very strong willed, intelligent and inspiring person - Speech [4]


You are missing an apostrophe in cousin's. Yet, I am not sure it is necessary to introduce her as someone's girlfriend... how about introducing her as a "confident, methodical thinker" or something... you know, something that describes her.

She really inspires me with the way she has taken care of herself and done so well.

typo: independdnt

:-)

Undergraduate / Anyone can be the change in the world - College Essay - Review [4]

An idea that was recently presented to me and affected my way of thinking pertains to the consequences of the relationships among everyone's lives.

I had been unaware of how important the impact of relationships could be until I started...

The way you treat someone or interact with her or him may impact the rest of your life.

I started to think the friends and family that I see every day may as well become the next Copernicus, so to speak. I also thought to myself that there are little few differences between the people I know and some of the people who are known for their contribution to the world as we know it. When I realized that anyone who is willing could change the world, I began to think about what sort of relationship I have with them.

Very interesting stuff here, I am impressed! You use too many commas, though. Read Strunk and White. :-)

Undergraduate / "Youth Tutors of Greensboro" - Common App- chose "other" essay option [7]

I can't really explain why, but this is my suggestion:
Some people are talkers. Some people are drawers. And some people are readers. That's me. I'm a reader. If you put a good book in my hands, you're golden. Literature has been my sanctuary in which to escape from the...

This allows the reader to control the process of drawing a conclusion. I don't know how to explain what I mean... anyway, your way is good, and this is just an idea.

It was really only during my high school years that I figured out how lucky I'v e I had been in my love affair with...

Another idea I don't know how to explain:
Youth Tutors of Greensboro, an organization I launched in my junior year as the result of a ____________________, had completed a successful semester of tutoring.

This is very good stuff!

Undergraduate / Common App Significant Experience: "The Road Less Traveled By" [6]


strange word to use. You can write that you learned incontrovertible truths about yourself, but the day cannot be incontrovertible.

I have learned that I have a deep wellspring of talents still to be discovered. ----nice! Looks like one of those talents is writing. You did a great job with this.

I wonder if you can incorporate something about what you learned about what you want to do for your career.

Writing Feedback / "How, parents, talk to novice and expert children, history museum" - article critique [4]

Yes, if you learn anything here let it be the importance of a topic sentence. Actually, when I looked at the essay again I noticed a dramatic shift in writing style and discovered that some of the material was copied from web pages! Do not post any material that is not original or your account will be suspended! But also, don't be discouraged about writing, because it is not as hard as you probably think. Just keep it simple and express one idea with each paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "... so just bear with me" - Stanford letter to roommate [7]


Hmmm... you seem to be the most interesting person in the world...

I was opening up a bunch of tabs with essays to look at, and this title caught my eye. I skipped ahead to correct it, but it does not need any correction.

The first sentence really interested me.

we can discuss some sort of revenge on me. ---hahahahaha!!

Mark, I had to google to see if enflamed is okay, and apparently it is, though it seems like it would not be. Your corrections always good... at this part, though, I prefer it without the added word "if" ---can borrow any you like, and ----- and I have to say, I like the word grumblingly. Every essay should have at least one intuitioningly made-up word.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my younger sister's shadow" - Bump in the Road - UCF Application Essay [4]

...We had always played different sports, and she is two years younger, but somehow we were always compared. ----- I added commas.

Until she was in high school along with me, my excuse ...

Once she too was in high school, I didn't have much of an excuse. -----sounds like she was a motivating force rather than a setback.

I grew tired of her always saying how she was smarter when we were in an argument. That is when she became my biggest motivation. ------yep, this is not a setback.

Okay, rewrite this so that you identify the real obstacle and present being in her shadow is the motivating force that helped you overcome it. Dig deep: what was the real obstacle?

I'll give you a hint: what do you care most about and want to be an expert at?

Essays / "Watermelon-eating months in New Orleans" - Need help is this a good thesis [3]

However, those feelings would disappear when I spent the watermelon-eating months in New Orleans with my favorite cousin, Mike.---- I shortened this sentence a little. Less words = more power.


Excellent advice from Maggie. Do you understand? Have questions? ...gave me unforgettable memories with priceless moments and taught me how life changes without any notice.

Undergraduate / "Ugly Betty" (a television character) - A person who has impacted you [4]

If you want to be a clever grammarian, you can use this form:
However, one character to whom I have always been drawn to is Betty Suarez from the...


This is where it gets really interesting for me. Fascinating stuff...

Here is a place where you could "say it in fewer words."
Even though her colleagues refuse to take her seriously at first sight, Betty demonstrates her capabilities time and again though her commitment and dedication. She does not possess the ideal "look" of an assistant to the Editor-in-Chief of a fashion magazine (in fact being quite the opposite), but she has every skill necessary to be successful.------ I took out a few words.

Okay, this is very good! I have little criticism to offer. :-)

Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

I just noticed this:
notes,

Add a comma after notes.

Undergraduate / The "Hop on the bike" Method - What is a leader? (Purdue Supplement) [3]


If you capitalize most of this, capitalize Bike, too.

But Twenty videos later, I realized...


Weird... this is the second time I heard someone say "trial by error." I always thought the expression was "trial and error" because you have repeated trials and repeated errors. Trial by error does not seem to make sense to me, because the error is not the source of the trial.


Yep, I agree. It is not bad for writing to be lengthy, but it is bad for writing to be more lengthy than necessary. That is a lot for the reader to carry. So, trim away the excess:

I wanted to leave a legacy after I graduated **** **** High. I wanted to start a magazine.---- you already mentioned the high school name, and in fact it was unnecessary the first time. Do this:

I wanted to leave a legacy after I graduated by starting a magazine.

Similarly, find other sentence that, although they may be good sentences, are not helpful for creating the experience you want to create for the reader.

Undergraduate / Parents life have influenced and reflected mine. College essay need work [4]

Do not capitalize mother when you are not using it as a title. Only capitalize when you do this:
I asked Mother what to do.---here, "Mother" is used as a title.
But here, do not capitalize:
Like all immigrants my mother...

Also, use an apostrophe:
Like all immigrants my mother's parents thought the streets of America were paved in gold.

didn't come easily for...

down pour
downpour

Through each of my parents' lives, they have...

:-)


but my parents' values...

I think your parents will enjoy this!!

Undergraduate / wanted to enter the medical field- Vires Artes Mres. Need a conclusion and revision. [3]

This conclusion is written very eloquently, but it does not reflect your plan. It is general. If you focus on your intentions (specific) for the future, it will be easy to write all paragraph in terms of your intentions. Even if those intentions might change, write about intentions... about your plan.

Ever since I was a child, I have always wanted to enter the medical field. --this is what I like to see. Writing about your life and how it reflects these 3 virtues, you can discuss your path toward being a physician or some other practitioner in the medical field.

The virtue you seem to focus on is veres, so maybe you should establish vires as your theme in the intro.

See, this right here is not very meaningful: "Vires, Artes, and Mores" are all philosophical concepts which are adopted by different people and embodied into their personal characteristics.---only include sentences that tell them useful, meaningful things. Tell about YOUR process, your story, your intentions. And use vires as a concept to help explain what drives you onward.

Undergraduate / "the field of international relations" - SOP for a Study Abroad program [3]

I strive to make my overall educational experience be reflective of my principles and priorities. ---right after this sentence, it would be good to give a sentence that tells the main idea of your priorities so the reader has a sense of what you stand for.

By the end of my time there I not only earned my Associate's Degree, but also was one of the first recipients of the American Ethnic and Gender Studies certificate. (and right after this sentence it would be nice if you can, again, say something about your principles and priorities and how this experience reflects them.

This program's focus on social justice, sustainable development, and environmental stewardship would give me a real opportunity to work to gain the skills necessary to make positive, substantive changes in the world. ---Like the rest of what you wrote, this is very nicely written, but... this is devoid of meaning. They know what the program covers, and saying it will help you make substantive changes is ambiguous... so instead, you need to write a sentence that shows how there three areas of focus coincide with YOUR UNIQUE GUIDING PRINCIPLE.

It will be best if you can identify one guiding principle that encompasses all others and make that principle the theme for the whole essay. What's the word?

:-)

Scholarship / School - healthy lifestyle is a big plus for me [3]

Many students bring their own food, while others just don't mind getting cafeteria food. ---I added a comma.

Some students just eat something different every class period, whatever the case may be. I always find that some students are making the better decision in their eating habits than others.

Staying young is everyone's dream, but getting there achieving this goal is where one's dedication comes to play.

She told me that these foods would get me somewhere in life, and ever since then my healthy lifestyle has been a big plus for me.