Writing Feedback / Data commentary about the growth of 3G phones and total phones [4]


Apostrophes are used in contractions, and that makes the writing informal.
He can't win the game because he didn't practice enough.
To be formal, it is better to write:
He cannot win the game, because he did not practice enough.

Apostrophes are ALSO used to show possession:
He knows Bob's guitar belongs to Bob, because the guitar was in Bob's room with his other possessions.
WHEN AN APOSTROPHE IS USED TO SHOW POSSESSION, it is not informal.

...has broadened phone users' minds by offering...---- this is not informal.

:-)

Undergraduate / My parents never attended college; CARE Summer Bridge Program at FSU [2]

This program offers a type of guidance that flabbergasts me. ----- this is a strange word to use. Maybe you are flabbergasted by the high quality of guidance, or maybe you are IMPRESSED, but flabbergasted seems too much like you are "confused."

When I went on When I spoke with a representative from the CARE program during a tour of FSU, I made it a point to speak with the CARE program. When I walked in, it was as if everyone already knew me. and it felt as if I had another mother figure even though I was seven hours away from home. I bet every other student that spoke with the CARE program feels the way do, which only means it would be so exciting to be around a group of people who share the same ambition.

All in all, the CARE Summer Bridge Program at FSU would open up doors for me that I would have never thought possible. GIVE SEVERAL EXAMPLES

:-)

Undergraduate / Admission Essay-- The Soup [6]

...help women gain their rights, offer victims of human trafficking a new start, and feed the impoverished citizens of a disaster-ravaged country.

Looking good!

Undergraduate / Music as a major component of my personal identity - Common App Short Essay [5]

This is good writing, but it needs a vitamin. It needs some seasoning to spice it up. It basically says that band put pressure on you and that you feel empowered from the experience of successfully playing your role. This is a good, common feeling. The fact that you have experienced this means you are able to appreciate similar experiences of teamwork in your chosen field.

I think you should condense the part about band and make room for more discussion of your identity, which led you to band and also to the degree program you are choosing. Bridge the gap betweenband identity and identity as a scholar entering a particular field.

Undergraduate / "prepare me for larger-scale engineering" - Purdue Personal Statement [4]


Obviously ... everything you say in this essay is a statement of the obvious. It shows that you can structure paragraphs nicely and express ideas, but it does not show that you are reading professional journal articles every day, keeping up with the most current research, and reading about the lives of the people working in your chosen field. Write this essay in a way that shows how active you are in getting a head start in this field you have chosen.

:-)

Undergraduate / Only Four Sensees; Common App- Topic of Your Choice [4]

Use creativity and enthusiasm to derive meaning from the fact that you lacked this sense. What has become stronger as a result? What is important to you as a result?

Here is the trick: whatever you write should be something that inadvertently shows your seriousness about your plans for the future. Show them your CURRENT state of mind by writing this, and show that the topic you chose has some significance with regard to the action you are taking by entering a degree program.

:-)

Undergraduate / The name recognition, the diversity, the location, or the weather - Why Stanford [6]


I really like this approach, and I think the reader will appreciate getting an essay about something more meaningful than those overused topics.

But in this paragraph you should make sure you DO say something specific enough.All that stuff I crossed out, above, is general stuff. I want it to be replaced with a discussion of which schools of thought in psych interest you most... who are your heroes? Fairbairn and Winnicot? Victor Frankl? Milton Erickson? Freud? Jung? Maslow? Ellis?

Read about the most recent innovations in your aspect of the field, and tell them about your research interests... and which professors you look forward to learning from.

Undergraduate / My years in Dubai, Stanford Supplement Short Essays - intellectually engaging [7]

This is a powerful essay, very compelling! To me, anyway...

Dubai taught me the difference between what you see and what is; it taught me that sometimes people's kindness is the only thing that will keep you afloat, while other times people are cruel just because they can be .

sometimes bad things happen to bring better things into your life.------ give a few examples that tell us about your academic aspirations.

:-)

Undergraduate / Football team, people, tradition, excellence: "Why The Ohio State University?" [4]

This approach based on the three words is a little contrived. I think you can only get away with doing this for one paragraph. Make it a paragraph about the way these words lingered in your mind =, but only spend one paragraph on it.

As for the rest of the essay, give a concrete answer to their question. From what I have heard, the excellent programs at OSU are exactly the type I would like to be involved in. take out that meaningless stuff, and tell us about the particular aspects of your chosen field that interest you most.

You can discuss your intention for the future and show that you have already read a lot of articles and books about your chosen field of study.

Also, you can show that you know a lot about the professors at the school, the school's programs, etc.

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores: "an unprecedented number of barriers" [4]

Throughout my life I have been faced with an unprecedented number of barriers both extreme and minute.---it's a little presumptuous to say unprecedented, as though no other person experienced such adversity.

It is because of these obstacles that I have become the invincible individual I am today. ---cool sentence!!

As a student of Hispanic roots, very little has been expected from me from the start. you can't say your heritage caused you to not be expected to excel. That is an oversimplification. What really caused people to have low expectations? Who are the people whose expectations were low?

... refuse to meet those expectations or any others that may question my potential.----another great sentence!

I now form part of a community that accepts me and praises my talents. ---- You have some really great sentences...

I just hope you will get specific at the end and write about the virtue and the role it will play in the near future for you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "self-motivated nature" - Meaningful Event Essay UF [2]


I'm sure they have accomplished more important things than college!

When I started high school I was never taught to be the perfect model student, nor was I taught ---maybe you really were raised by slackers, but this all sounds like you are blaming your own shortcomings on your parents. It is better to take responsibility.

22 and still be living at home like my brother. --- you seem so judgmental! This is not the right approach. You have to give an intellectual discussion of an academic or professional aspiration... something important to you. Whatever you want to do in the world has to start with a degree, so talk about this program as a stepping stone on your path.

The years flash by. You are getting ready to do your career now, so what is it going to be? Whatever that is all about... choose an event from your past that demonstrates or represents this ambition you have, and it is that ambition that provides the energy you can contribute at this school.

Your contribution depends on a particular intellectual interest, so write about an event related to your biggest academic or career interest.
:-)

Undergraduate / "Raised in Canada and my father" - feedback on my approach to a Personal Statement [4]

An important influence on my life who shaped much of who I am today was My father was a mechanic who struggled to make ends meet for our family. However, life would change when my older sister had heart failure .

The surgeons did everything in their power to help her but within just days she had passed on. While I was too young to remember my sister, these events had changed my father and led him to pursue a career in medicine. For the next seven years I watched as ... ----this whole section is very great. I think it's excellent writing.

Break the sentence down to check the verbs:
For the next seven years I watched as my father struggled through University, staying ----->or would work working graveyard shifts in the hospital until he finished his residency to become a family physician. (staying or working)

:-)

Undergraduate / "Growing up with Chinese parents, now college" -My Common App Essay [10]

Yes, but there iceui2 referred specifically to this phrase "i failed" and that might make a reader say, "What? what did he fail?" It can leave an impression like other students are more deserving.

When you say failed, I think it is not the best word. I know you are trying to take responsibility for it, but maybe it's better to say something like "left my potential unfulfilled" or some other phrase that refers to what you can do instead of referring to having "failed." Some words can change the mood of your essay in a way you don't intend.

Dissertations / Suggest me what topic should i take in Finance and management in Phd [5]

It's easy to google around and find lists of topics. I wonder what kind of help you really need. What topic did you focus on for your MBA?

Just google this:
finance research topics list

What are your favorite topics in this field? What are some articles you enjoyed?

Undergraduate / [Being a Leader] #1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk [8]


Great sentence, but I'll make a small change:
I volunteered for the position excitedly, but without knowing, "with great power, come great responsibility."

I agree with MArk about cutting out the sentence with the word "you." It might be better to say "Anyone who has ever been a group leader knows..." (instead of saying "you)

I do like this sentence, though: Many groups, especially for school assignments, usually consist of half idle members and half diligent members. I see what you are saying. I think you did a great job of showing...

Leadership is a separate skill, so the leader needs to have technical proficiency as well as the ability to motivate others and coordinate activities.

I think you should add a sentence like that to the end of the first paragraph.

Also, try to use the first sentence of each paragraph to tell the reader what the main idea of that paragraph will be.

:-)

Sorry it took a long time for you to get responses! EF has been busy lately.

Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]


It will be your thesis if you build the rest of the essay around it. Use the word culture in the first sentence of paragraph #2, religion in the first sentence sentence of paragraph #3, and lineage in the first sentence of paragraph #4.

That will be a nice way to structure the essay.

Here is another idea for small changes:
For me, it is the transformation of a world of teenage stress into a world of serenity and from an academically overachieving Indian kid to an unidentified Carnatic music vocalist.

This is pretty great!

Undergraduate / "major in Engineering" - UIUC Essay, motivation to transfer and professional goals [3]


I think this is too dramatic. I would write this:
to identify the field I want to enter: Industrial Engineering.

As a Chinese student, the contrast in Industrial Engineering in China between prospective implications and start-up stage also stimulated me to share professional and ethical responsibilities as an engineer, making contributions to our community.--- this sentence is a jumbled mess. It will be better if you revise it in a simpler way. Use shorter sentences. Short sentences are punchy.

Right after you identify I.E. as your chosen field, it makes me want to hear what got you to want to do that instead of something different. Tell why, and the reader will believe that you are really motivated.

:-)

Essays / A good introduction to an essay about myself? [10]

I see that your message to the reader is that the people who doubted your potential also motivated you.

Is that really the message you want to convey?

I think you should share an insight. Do you remember an event that made you suddenly feel very confident and motivated about college? Write about a key event, a profound experience.

If you are introducing yourself, you get to choose a particular idea to offer the reader -- an idea to associate with you. Let's not have it be "struggling student." Let's have it be something cool!

Undergraduate / "trying and learning new things" - Personality Trait [9]

No, you need to fix it a little. All you need to do is mention the words trait and curiosity in the first sentence or two.

Or you can divide this into 2 paragraphs and mention those 2 key words at the end of the first paragraph.

I also think you should choose the weakest sentence in the essay and kill it. No mercy. Cut out the sentence that is least important. :-)

Undergraduate / Vires, Artes, Mores. Overcoming shortcomings to be a stronger person. [6]


Yes! That is what I was going to say. Take out all the explanations of the words. Simply USE those words in an essay about YOU! In this essay, you only get to use about 10 to 20 sentences, so do not waste any. I just gave this same advice to someone else earlier today: Look for the major points you make in your essay, and write powerfully about them.

An essay is about how deep you can dig, how much of a glimpse you can provide the reader. A glimpse of what? A glimpse of what you are all about as a student. Are you someone with a detailed plana and a lot of aspirations?

Tell us all the same things you tell us in this essay, but do it in 1/3 the number of words. Be concise to save space, and use that space to describe your ambitions in your chosen fields of interest.

Undergraduate / From QuestBridge App: Diversity in college community [4]

Very interesting start!!

I think you have to make a slight change:
...how America was like when the September 11 attack happened.
or
...what America was like when the September 11 attack happened.

***You can ask "How was the show?" or "What was the show like?" But not "How was the show like?"

that would soon carry me to the oblivion straight ahead. --- very nice sentence

Then I came across Girls' High, which it brings out my abilities, giving me ...
or
Then I came across Girls' High. It brings my abilities into light, giving me ...
Choose which way you like it! But not this:
which it brings out my abilities into light

:-) This is a great idea for an essay!

Undergraduate / Favorite Plays: Importance of Being Earnest & Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead [3]


I think this should be the start of paragraph 3.

I see this thing as 2 body paragraphs, because they each express a meaningful idea that deserves discussion.

If you divide this into 2 body paragraphs, and then you go tack a new intro paragraph, the new intro paragraph can discuss the unique theme that emerges when you put these two big concepts together.

If you made this into 4 paragraphs by adding an intro and conclusion para and separating this material into 2 body paragraphs, it can be a cool exposition of some unique concept you derive from looking at these 2 big concepts together.

Or you can keep it where it is, and that is totally okay. This is great already. I was just babbling. There is no reason everyone needs to structure these things the way I do.I was just giving you the idea that comes to mind for me.

Ah! I did not even notice until now that they ask for a paragraph or two... so, I recommend making this two paragraphs. :-)

Undergraduate / Medical issue, severe psoriasis - Need help with statement App question [14]


Here is the section to cut out, and you can replace it with a something like this: I lost my focus during the months I experimented with medications, and I hope I can have another chance to show my seriousness as a student. That section I cut out was too negative, focusing too much on the shortcomings. Everyone loses their focus sometimes, so it is okay.

You can even mention that you know you should take responsibility rather than using it as an excuse, but that it was a learning experience.

The message is like this: I am ready to work to my full potential!

Graduate / "the profession of physical therapy" - PTCAS Graduate Application Essay [4]

The flood lines on the houses, the sprayed paint 'X' on the front door which resembled the number of bodies found by rescuers.--- this is an incomplete sentence. Also, I think you might be using the word resembled incorrectly. Where was the number of bodies written... near the X?

Looks like you have an incomplete sentence here:
The hard work of the residents and the enthusiasm ...

At that point, you know you have--- it is sort of a bad idea to use "you" as though you are lecturing to the reader. Use "I" instead, and give more focus to physical therapy. This whole essay should be about pt... even though they say it is about characteristics and factors, the point is to tell about those characteristics and factors in a way that will expound your plan to make a big difference as a physical therapist. And what kinds of specializations interest you? Do you like to learn about forms of physical therapy from other cultures, or just the stuff taught in your program? Make this about your intention to enter the field of pt.

:-)

Essays / Essay on 'Difference between civil life and rural life' [3]

Hello Suvadip.

I'm glad you are participating! Start with a sentence...
Please write a sentence about rural life. Then write a sentence about city life.

***IMPORTANT: I think you mean to say city instead of civil .

Yeah, Mark is right. You have to start the process by doing some writing.

So, write two sentences:
1.)
2.)

After you do, we can help you let those sentences grow into paragraphs, like seeds growing into a tree. Even if English is very hard right now, it will get easier. It is really just like a game of "trial and error." Try writing some sentences to start!

:-)

Undergraduate / 'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character [7]


This gets you off to a slow start. The premise of this essay prompt is to show how the same virtues are reflected in you, so do not begin by restating that idea. Begin by saying something unexpected and original! :-)

The word "Vires" signifies strength of all kinds. ---again, don't repeat what they told you. You only get to write about 15-18 sentences in an essay this size, so do not waste any! That is important.


This is just a list of values.

No, this essay is great as a way of brainstorming your ideas, but I hope you'll choose one of the virtues and establish it as a theme. Make it so that you talk about your CAREER plan -- your plan for college and the years after you graduate, but talk about that plan in terms of one of the virtues.

Perhaps one of the virtues is the driving force behind your career decision or field of interest?

Read what you wrote, and make a list of the several ideas you cover (the relationship, being the leader of the club, etc.) The essay has only a few major ideas. You can condense this, take out all unnecessary sentences, and make it something that is intense and powerful. Make it so that every sentence tells helps support one main idea about "what you are doing" by applying to this school.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - 'Meng Zi Story'; Classmates are a more important influence [4]

Some great corrections have been made here. For example, now you know that the common expression is:
In addition to that, ...
not
In addition of that

The most important and difficult part of learning a language is using the proper verb forms. Do a lot of reading and writing if you want to get good at this. Look at the change I will make here:

When children were very small, they obeyed what parents said, as they had used to fully rely on parents .
When children were very small, (this is about the past)...so we change obey to obeyed: they obeyed what parents ...

The only way to improve is to practice by typing sentences that you know are correct. Please make the corrections we gave you here, and continue practicing with us! :-)

Essays / Ideas for personal statement for MSC in sustainable energy technology [5]

It does not matter how you phrase the ideas. Post them here and we will brainstorm with you about how to phrase them

Your statement is about your plan. Do you have a plan? Is it a simple plan, or is it very detailed? You can have avery detailed plan, even if it is tentative. You can also have an intention to keep your options open.

For this particular program, you'll need research interests. Cite some professional journal articles as you discuss what interest you in this field. I look forward to seeing some paragraphs!!

Essays / Ideas for personal statement for MSC in sustainable energy technology [5]

It does not matter how you phrase the ideas. Post them here and we will brainstorm with you about how to phrase them

Your statement is about your plan. Do you have a plan? Is it a simple plan, or is it very detailed? You can have avery detailed plan, even if it is tentative. You can also have an intention to keep your options open.

For this particular program, you'll need research interests. Cite some professional journal articles as you discuss what interest you in this field. I look forward to seeing some paragraphs!!

Writing Feedback / GRE essay: Laws restrict but not eradicate wrongdoings. [3]

...the deep desire to commit a crime and criminal immortality which ultimately leads to it.

This is a run on sentence: Law should be a system of restrictions, punishments, and rehabilitation. On ly then it will help transform human immorality which in turn will facilitate the development of a peaceful novel society.

Okay... so you agree that moral behavior cannot be legislated, and you agree that laws can solve many problems of society by deterring crime.

I really do think it is possible to use this essay for both, but I want it to get more focused. What is the main point you are making? Before you write an essay, think of one sentence that really expresses your message to the reader. After all, a reader cannot memorize a whole essay, so ask yourself what sentence you want the reader to remember.

Write that sentence at the end of the intro para, and they just might remember it! :-)

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]


Oh, very good... my favorite sentence, here...

to new living conditions under conditions of of hardship, which is the third of the Core Expectations for Volunteers, my motivations take precedence priority over any desire to avoidchallenges discomfort. that I may experience.

Very nice, all the way through. This is great, so you should send it with confidence.
Here, at the end I'll remove a comma:
Upon my return, I plan to purse my desire by attending law school and translating applying what I have learned as I enter public service.

Undergraduate / "a special education teacher" - Why I choose educational field [5]

Flirting is a cool word that makes a kind of metaphor. If I fly in a plane, I feel as if I am flirting with death. hahahaha...

Here is what to do:
I was still exploring, flirting with the challenge of trying to pinpoint ...
See? it is way more powerful if you trim away the excess.

If you are clever, you might be able to take the best parts of the old and new intro and put them together. Maybe.

Here is a fix:
...spent my summer teaching children in the village how to read and write. I have always wanted to be a teacher, but my decision became serious with my passion toward teaching children with disabilities after I met Daniel, a son of my friend.

This is very good.

Writing Feedback / Generation gap: your generation is different from your parents' generation? [5]

Mark, it is great to have you around!

I agree about the importance of this spot Mark indicated...
Let's look at this thesis statement:
However these vast differences often put us in difficult situations when we try to come to terms with our parents on many issues.
I don't think this sentence is about what it should be about.

In order to find out what the thesis sentence should be about, read each of your paragraphs again. For each paragraph, type a word that captures what the paragraph is about.

When you have a word for each paragraph, look at them and ask yourself what the whole essay is really about. What is your message to the reader?

Put that message in place of this confusing thesis:
However these vast differences often put ourselves in difficult situations when we try to come into terms with our parents on many issues.

What do you think, Suven! :-)

Undergraduate / "passion for economics" - your intellectual interests (Cornell University Essay) [2]

Don't use "had been" unless it is necessary:
My passion for economics was veiled until I was sixteen. ...

As I noticed that a number of factors near us hugely impact on our economy, I became more intrigued in it them. ---This sentence seemed to need help... but... did I fix it accurately?

Cornell has high quality academics and reputable research program. ---boring! unoriginal! Start this final paragraph with enormous cleverness, a sentence that the reader can really feel, or one that impresses or inspires.

You can get a little more specific about why you would really rather study at Cornell than somewhere else... to be a student of a particular prof, to get involved with a particular student organization, etc.

Undergraduate / A Small Step on the Other Side (Who am I? paragraph) [2]

These 2 sentences need to be put together or one will be an incomplete (fragment of a) sentence.

I look at life, especially at this age, as time to experience new things, a time to get away from the same everyday routine and enjoy the short time we have on earth.

Capitalize Christian.

Independence as a Christian is an interesting concept. What does it make you independent from?

So, if I showed you this essay and asked if it covered everything about you, what would be missing? Whatever it is that is missing, is it more important than any of the things you wrote here? Actually, though, as I reread the essay it seems that every sentence is about something meaningful. This is very good!

Here is an idea: My beliefs still remain the same, but I have become more open minded to see the point of views as well as the ones that have been taught to me; giving me new ...

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

Excellent! My little contribution:
He thought I was cheating, because I had been looking in her direction.

I like the discussion at the end.

Writing Feedback / Data commentary about the growth of 3G phones and total phones [4]

Is this about the total number of phones manufactured? About the total number sold?

Overall, although the total number of phones manufactured increased rapidly...

The two graphs reveal the development of 3G phones in comparison with total phones between December 2003 and December 2010 .(in what countries?)

A possible explanation for this data is that the significant impact of three enormous brands has broadened phone users' minds by offering a diverse range of attractive services such as internet applications as well as online games .

Notice that the apostrophe works like this with users:
user's
or
users'
but not users's

Undergraduate / Personal Statement For UM - becoming a nurse is the right career choice for me. [3]

Ha ha, I like your writing style, but you have to get the run on sentence under conctrol:
I could not stand the sight of blood it was despicable and gruesome. --- You can't just write 2 sentences at once like this! :-)

I could not stand the sight of blood. It was despicable and gruesome.

That is better. BUT despicable is not a good word, because it is supposed to be about a person... a despised person.

... an eye I had everything in my hand to help my mother, the medicine and the bandages.

Nice!! One more thing:

I identify myself as my name, who has a distinctive, motivated person; my characteristics include candor, bluntness, occasional silliness, and outrageous ideas.

Undergraduate / "I have prepared as best as I can" - UF - Rough Draft needs editing [3]


Nicely explained...


I'm impressed! You write well. You think well and write well.

This is awesome.. I hope, though, that in this or another essay you will express your intentions for the near future... what you will research, what you will accomplish... what you might make into a specialization.

Graduate / My interest in the retail business [3]

That is a great idea, I think. I'm talking about Mark's idea to tell the specifics about what you have learned.

I also want to suggest a direction for you to take. In an argumentative essay a common practice is to 'refute the counter argument"... do you know what that means? This is not an argumentative essay, but I think you can artfully take this approach:

People arguing that you are not seriously committed to this goal might say that you are a different person and that you might not actually be interested in what he was interested in. Can you make an argument about how you became serious about business? Can you tell about many of the ideas and interests that make you DIFFERENT from your father? Let the reader enjoy this story of a family legacy.