Undergraduate / The Negative Effect of Modern Text Communication - Common Application Essay [4]

Use a comma:
2,272

Capitalize Internet.

Okay, this is pretty good, but it needs a stronger thesis statement. The first para ends with a "for example" sentence, and I think that sentence should be followed by a thesis statement. Then, end the first paragraph.

In the first sentence of paragraph 2, instead of saying "for many reasons" you can say "because of the desire for human contact" or "because of the desire to be understood" ...

I just think "for many reasons" is not very meaningful.

I like the essay!

Scholarship / Microsoft & Apple: Differences, Similarities & Best Interest of Users in Mind [3]


It could do without the sentence, but if you decide to keep the sentence you should fix the verb tense: Back in the 1940's and '50s, after one buys bought a car, fridge, house, and microwave, what more did one need?

You should mention planned obsolescence again at the end of the essay. It seems that this essay is really about that concept as much as it is about Apple and Microsoft. So, I think you should discuss planned obsolescence one last time at the end as a way of completing the discussion.

Undergraduate / "I hope the past will bring good fortune" -Need help editing my All About Me Paper [3]

If you want to talk about the name, make it a theme for the essay. What is the underlying truth that made you have this name issue? It is a cool anecdote, but you have to be introducing the theme for the whole essay.

Similarly, you can make a theme out of the concept of living in a few different places... but the important thing to do is just make sure it has some kind of theme that connects all the topics together.

The difference between an essay and a list of facts is that an essay is all about one overarching idea.

This has some great content, so glue it all together with a theme expressed in the LAST sentence of the first paragraph. That is the secret.

Undergraduate / Proud of my ethnicity ("a proud Filipino") - UCF essays [3]

I am not Chinese, nor am I Japanese. ----- this makes it a complete sentence.

I am a proud Filipino, although my parents always limit my pride (I wonder what you mean by this...?) by saying I am just White.

They have taught me that no one is perfect, and mistakes are made by everyone. --- how does this affect the way you will approach your career? Can you make room for a few sentences about the implications for your career?

The second one is not bad, but I wish you would cut out some sentences from the first half, some sentences that are not really necessary. Make room to discuss an insight about how running and studying share a common meditative quality and tell about specific ways you might positively influence others. For example, they might see the way you arrange your schedule to accommodate running and also studies, maybe combining them sometimes.

Undergraduate / While volunteering at hospital I got the chance to first-hand observe doctors in action [6]

In addition, I used much of my free time to volunteering volunteer at organi zations where I got the chance to meet all sorts of unique people who came from various backgrounds, each with their own perspectives. As a physician, I would...

Though many careers do indeed offer these roles, what attracted me most to medicine was the many different facets variations a doctor could apply in her or his practice of medici ne.

You have some impressive experiences!

The great thing about becoming a physician is that there is so much out there to explore, even after you I graduate from medical school.

As such, I feel that I am prepared to commit...

awesome.. good luck!

Poetry / critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem [10]

Yes, Garfield is orange. Ha ha, always an interesting conversation...
Hey, that connection between purring and orange is kind of flimsy!!

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
On Writing by Stephen King
John Cresswell's work about research design.
Diana Hacker's work about academic writing

:-)

***** I MOVED YOUR NEW ESSAY TO ITS OWN THREAD. Please find it by clicking your username.

Undergraduate / "Sunny Side Up" -- Rice Perspective Essay [8]

First of all, I think I did not express myself very well when I talked about developing the theme. What I was trying to say is that your essay made me notice a natural extension of this theme that you already have. Something about diving into uncertainty, appreciating it instead of fearing it... something like that came to mind for me, and I didn't know how to suggest it.

Anyway, the way you ended it is great... I think it is great the way it is.

I assumed that the reader could imply that I have a perspective that is curious to learn about the world and that is open to change and diversity, since that was the main theme of my essay. Should I not assume that/was this not clear? ----I think the thing that holds it back a little is that "diversity" is used so much in academic writing that it loses some meaning and some impact. Your essay is brilliant and deserves to be driven by another key word or two, like "appreciation," "spontaneity," or (my favorite) "uncertainty."

Sorry I can't explain my suggestion very well. Like I said, this is obviously already good.

Undergraduate / "Memoirs of a Teenage Hostess" - Common App Personal Essay [11]

I challenge you to condense them! I think your idea is good, and it is possible to give intense sentences that express all that needs to be said. This can be a "nutrageous" essay. That is what I call essays that are packed with meaningful content, and not a lot of fluff. You are good at this, so I think you can take this in that direction and still include char. description.

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

It's a cool little story, interestingly told. I guess in general I would want to write about something that is more sophisticated humor, like about politics or current events, or a field of study. However, this is a great story. I would not write about a childhood event for this essay, but what you did is great, here, if you do want to write about a childhood experience.

Undergraduate / Best advice essay on "Hakuna matata" (from The Lion King) [4]

Well... it is a great discussion, and a great idea. To cut out those words, I would lop off the first paragraph altogether. It is not necessary, even though is has some good sentences. It has an incomplete sentence that needs to be merged in order to be grammatically correct:

Something that would invigorate me and restore some energy back into my monotonous routine -- something that would free my soul from its shackles and allow me to stare at the world in wide-eyed wonder once again.

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Nice! They have to stand up and take notice of this. You are right, though. It'll be good to just... at least tell about the first few examples of practical empowerment -- some of the classes will be so awesome, and all you have to do is mention them in passing if possible... not the names of the classes, but the particular skills and concepts you'll master.

Undergraduate / Why Reed? Rhythm and High Hands [3]

I think it is better without "that"
When I was little my uncle remarked to my mother, that "[Paul] got rhythm."

When I enjoy a person, place, or experience I have a certain sense that everyone is moving in perfect concert with each other, a delicate dance that only I am able to witness. To put it even more abstractly, I "gel" with the person, place or experience.--- this is excellent. I think you should add a thesis statement right after this sentence and then END the first paragraph. Let a new para begin when you discuss the college.

This is very good!

Undergraduate / My parents + stem cell engineer [3]

November fifteenth, (This part is an unnecessary, distracting detail. On the day after my eighteenth birthday, I returned to North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics, and I was puffed up with pride and arrogance. --- this is how I would write this sentence.

These are both excellent, though. I really like this simple and humble yet assertive ending: I am working towards my goal step by step, learning as much as I can to help people.

Undergraduate / "What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event) [5]

Hey, I think your essay is already profound and convincing. You don't need anyone to change your writing; how can you not know it is one of your talents? The feedback broadens our perspective, or gives us multiple perspectives, but you are a real writer.

This reminds me of a poem: Not flesh of my flesh, not bone of my bone, but somehow miraculously my own.

The important part is to work on how it will influence your college experience and by extention your career and life's work. You understand parent-child issues in a way that other people can't unless they have had your experience. I bet you have some cherished insights.

Writing Feedback / sense of humor, honesty, willingness - QUALITIES OF A GOOD NEIGHBOR - TOEFL [7]

Cool, thanks Maria! I hope you know how cool it is that you contribute so seriously. We are lucky.

Luu, it will be nice if you have time to type the essay again, using Maria's corrections. That way, we can look to see if you still have any mistakes. Do you have questions about any of the corrections?

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: More stress for younger generation? [11]

This is beautiful. Are you an English Language Learner? If so, this is very impressive. Most people who grew up speaking English cannot write this well. This is a real accomplishment.

However, I hate the word "nowadays."
It would be nice to start like this:
Nowadays , Whether or not the younger generation...

What do you mean about the introduction? I don't really know what you mean, but I think you can feel confident about your skill, because this is very good.

Undergraduate / About Athletics, Undergrad Common App Short Essay - one of you activities [5]

10 Ten

Put a period at the end! This looks good.

:-)

Undergraduate / Business letter to an associate from abroad, philosophy of Negotiation [in Business] [5]

...as the best overall hospital for over fifteen consecutive years and look forward to have you join us and enable us to better serve our clients.


Wow, this is a heck of a sentence. It is a wise observation, too...
Soft style may not be bad when up against hard style, though. The Kung Fu of negotiation can switch from soft to hard and back again in an instant.

This is some high quality writing. I think you'll do well! I hope Ershad and I helped in time for you to see out feedback before submitting. Thanks for participating here.

Undergraduate / the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, your reason for choosing FIDM [5]


Is that the only way to be extraordinary? I had better get to work learning medicine...

This is a great piece of writing.

Here is an error:
...opening an entirely new gateway to my dreams.

Dissatisfied with the company's misleading and ineffective commercials, I would always figure out an alternative way ...---- just an idea.

Wishing everyone to have the best of the best is my lifelong dream and dedication. nope. Look at this sentence again. I think you can do better.

This is very good, but it has too many words:
To propel smaller, unnoticed companies' brilliantly designed products into the spotlight they deserve, as a dreamer I will make best use of my talents and abilities as a stepping stone in starting a fresh new chapter of their soon-to-be contribute to their successful future.

I am impressed! Please use your great writing ability to help other people here at EF.

:-) essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / "My step grandmother died of type 1 diabetes" - Common App essay Topic 2. [4]


I have never heard that rule. It makes sense, though, because it can be one of those situations where someone seems to be using the essay as an opportunity for some therapy instead of writing something that has value for others. Yet, I really think that even though it is common you can write about a death as long as you show the "moral of the story," the insight you derive from the experience.

Paragraph 2 has too much story. Revise the end of that so that it gets back to the point of making sure sufferers are informed properly. Let the example of your grandmother be a powerful example to support your main idea. Was she insufficiently informed? If so, discuss that in paragraph 2.

Revise this so that you write directly about the issue. Articulate that issue, Jorge, so that the essay will be about the issue rather than your grandmother. Using your grandmother as an example is very, very good, but make sure you express (in the first paragraph) the 'issue of importance.'

Good luck, friend!

Undergraduate / "The study abroad program really caught my attention" -essay for transfering to UT [7]

Here, I think you can use a colon to specify the program and country:
As I skimmed through the site, the study abroad program really caught my attention because they had the program and country that I wanted to visit: the XXXXXXX program, and an opportunity to visit (name of country).

This is looking good...

Okay, can you tell me the message of the essay in a single sentence? Sum it up in one sentence, and include that sentence somewhere. :-)

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

I don't know if you use the word resort correctly in the last sentence:
...she never degraded by shamefully resorting to cheating.

What grade were you in?

I don't understand what happened! How did you get in trouble for her using a cheat sheet?

Undergraduate / "College In My Thirties" - the positive or negative aspects of coming to college [3]

Keep those verb tenses the same:
What I did take pleasure in is was being with friends and going out.


Here, it is possible to do something that is closer to the originally intended meaning... like:
Personal satisfaction will come with entering a field of my choice rather than just having a job.

This is a good place for a semi-colon:
It has taken me eighteen years to attend college but I do not regret it; instead I am embracing it.

Talk a little about the career you are entering! Good luck...

Undergraduate / "Sibling Class" - Something you do for the pleasure of it [9]

innocent but/yet adorable --- seems wrong, as though innocent and adorable are unlikely to go together. I would use "and" instead of "but"or "yet"

Too much 'myslef'
As an only child, myself , I never had the opportunity to experience any of this myself, so this has special significance for me.

Excellent ending. Do you have room to write more? This seems too brief. I really like it, though. Oh... I see that you are limited to 100 words.. Well, it is excellent.

Writing Feedback / TO SPEND BILLIONS OF MONEY ON THE SPACE PROGRAM? CLEP essay [6]

Great job, Ershad...
I noticed this... In the modern civilization , all the nations are spending billions of money dollars on space research and satellites. The telecommunications, weather forecast, radio broadcasts, military operation and spy satellites are advatanges of the space research. (and after this sentence I want you to add a short sentence to clearly tell your opinion about this issue. Should it be spent on this or not?)

The hunger problem would have been unnoticed if there are had been no broadcasts from our satellites from different parts of world.

OKAY, you make a practical argument about the benefits of satellites, but what do you think of other aspects of the program... the ones with no immediate benefits? Do you think it is appropriate to spend millions of dollars sending equipment to Mars, of example? It would be good to include a paragraph that tells whether you think it is okay to spend money on exploration that has no immediate benefits.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The road to college as a psychologist" - stanford essay: why a good fit [12]

I hope to fulfill my promise to about where I choose to plant m y roots in America.
That's why Stanford fits me so well. Situated in sunny California, Stanford overlooks the great Pacific that I yearn for.

Despite the fact that he was an adult, I saw him as a close friend -- someone who could erase all my troubles.

Everyday as one word is an adjective.
Every day for two hours, I had the most fun...

comma:
The road to college had not been paved with gold, and the road through ...

Great ending!! If you have more room to write, it would be good to tell about your interests in psych... REBT, existential therapy, cognitive therapy, integrated disciplines... what kinds of techniques do you want to master? What kinds of maladies you you want to specialize in treating?

Undergraduate / "Hair of Silver with a Heart of Gold" [4]

I only have to read that first sentence to know you are a great writer. However, I want to recommend the dismissal of one of those 2cumbersome adverbs:

The church bells began to ominously toll as I solemnly shuffled into the church.
or
The church bells began to ominously toll as I solemnly shuffled into the church.
Too many adverbs stink up the room, even if you write very eloquently.


Wow, I am impressed...

You did a great job of capturing this experience. Also, you paid great tribute to the man, and I think he probably thinks warm thoughts about you as he reads this from his nonlocal vantage point.

What?! This just happened last week? Now I understand how you were able to infuse this piece of writing with such energy and emotion. I would not change a thing about it. I hope your family is holding up and doing okay. Thanks for sharing this excellent essay.

Undergraduate / "edit our profile" essay explaining why you don't wish to complete this assignment [8]

Online classes are supposed to try to reproduce the community-feeling of a face to face class. So, it is nice to have pictures.

A picture alone is not enough for someone to stalk you. I think you do not have to share email address, phone number, street address, or anything like that. So, maybe it is okay to have the picture.

But it is ALSO okay to choose not to have your picture there, and this professor should be careful not to become guilty of treating you unfairly. I am surprised he requires an essay.

But if it is an essay he wants, just write what you wrote here. I'll correct the errors.

Sometimes personal experiences have such an influence that they make us feel reluctant to participate in certain activities. In my case, I feel pressure to post my photo online for my online class, but I really would rather not. My main reason for not wanting to post my picture was is a fear of being stalked. I don't want to be stalked.

(new paragraph)
I have been stalked before. I met a guy at my other college before coming to this university. I though he was a nice person and didn't seem creepy. So, we exchanged contact information I let him become my friend on Myspace and told him my name. Little did I know, he email me some weird messages and start saving everything I had on Myspace and Facebook. He took a picture of what he did with it and sent it to me. Now, I took everything off including pictures and kept my Myspace account access limited to "friends only."

(now write one last paragraph and turn it in.)

:-)

Good luck!!!!!

Undergraduate / Stanford Roomate Supps: Want to go eat? [8]

intellection
intellectual

It might be good to add an intro sentence before this first sentence of the essay. For example...
Trying to plan an approach for introducing myself to you, I had the idea to tell you about something that is "my favorite." I could tell you that my favorite question is "Why?" and then elaborate...

...signs of an endless appetite.---hahah very cool...

Brilliant, you seem to have had real inspiration for this. Some writing is more eloquent than other writing, but eloquence is not even as important as this energy of inspiration. This is some good stuff, worth reading...

...brace yourself for my running commentary about what's in my mouth. ---how weirdly cool! I hope the AO reader has a sense of humor.

Undergraduate / Fat Kid on The Swim Team: Common App Essay [11]

With all due respect to your brother's input, I think the original ending is the best by far. It's hard to see your own writing objectively... I think that what I see in your last sentence is one of the best parts of the essay.

Undergraduate / The National Honors Society president: Common app "additional info" HELP [4]


This is a well-articulated idea... I think it is worth considering. Rey and Michael, thanks for this great work. I am seeing this thread for the first time, and it is already an example of excellent collaboration.

Emily, this is some great writing, and it is an impressive accomplishment. Even though I see what Rey is saying, I also think that the role of the club president is to keep others focused on the right things... so.. this is great, I think!

You use some words a little strangely... you can say: We stationed ourselves in the middle of the... but I don't think "stationed in the middle" is correct. I could be wrong, though.

Michael also caught the misuse of the word encompass. You used it like the word introduce. The scope of the club's focus can encompass several things, but you cannot encompass something to the club.

Anyway, those are small matters. This essay is about something impressive... let's see a new draft with some improvements based on this feedback.

Thanks everyone, you are cool!

Poetry / critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem [10]

Ha ha, that's pretty funny. I have never heard the word tosh used in a sentence...

Ershad, thanks for catching that question about knowing the color without looking at the title. I didn't respond to that. Kaylee, I think the mention of Cheetos takes care of that. :-)

Undergraduate / "Literature is the best way to overcome death"- Amherst Supplement- Reply to quote [6]

No need for a comma after "Rent"... I know it seems like you need one, but actually it is unnecessary and the sentence may seem more powerful without it.

Wow, heavy topic...

You did a great job with this. Also, I have to agree with your argument. Writing is my art, but I cannot claim that writing has anything theater lacks. Theater has a script, which is a valid form of writing.

Ershad makes a great observation. It is abrupt. The thesis statement is missing from the end of the first paragraph. Add a sentence that captures the essence of the essay, and THEN end that first paragraph. I often tell people this, as if they MUST give a thesis at the end of the first paragraph; this is not a rule, really, but you have to be aware that the last sentence of the first para is an important one. Give a sentence that contains the soul of the essay, and then end that first para.

This is an excellent essay.

Undergraduate / The person whose trait has influenced me the most is My Father [5]

Use an apostrophe: one's
Everyone would say one's parents are the people that have the most influence and that they are the ones who show one the difference between the good and bad things in life. Parents teach and nurture, and even though still is able to make decisions by oneself, those decisions are influenced in subtle ways. In my case the person who has influenced my decisions the most is my father.

Try typing it this way, and see if it helps you to express the ideas clearly. I don't know how to explain it, but this is the way I would write it.

You do not need to capitalize the f in father. People only capitalize the F if they use "Father" like a name. But if you say "my father" you should not capitalize the f.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay about the importance of human needs for land and animal protection. [3]

The word "Nowadays" is not very great. It is a word people don't use very often. It might be better to say, "In modern times," or "In the 21st century,"...

But actually, it is bad for me to tell you not to write "nowadays." People do use it. I guess I just don't like it! :-)

People should think about the fac t that the extinction of one kind of animal would have an impact on the food chain and might lead to other animals' disappearance, and how much worse the result would be. The potential for harm is hard to imagine.

I agree with Parth that an essay should express a point of view, and you should take a stance on an issue. But I also think this is an intriguing essay. If you really are neutral, that is what you should say. So, I feel conflicted about this idea. I like your essay, and it was interesting to see someone say, "I am neutral."

Essays / Fall is the season that causes people to feel low - how to write introduction? [3]

Hi Tina, this intro is pretty good. However, take the "s" off the end of "like."

Some people like ...

I think you just need to come up with ideas. Don't be afraid to make mistakes with your English. Write sentences about your ideas, and we will help make it perfect.

Each paragraph should have 4 or 5 sentences to explain an idea. All the paragraph ideas add up to the main idea of the whole essay. So, the first thing to do is come up with a great idea!

Google this: seasons and emotions
That should give you some good ideas.

:-)

Writing Feedback / ''University is a only way lead people to success'' [4]

Thanks Tina! I hope you don't mind if I offer another way, though. There are still a few mistakes.

Here is a solution:
From the greatest people part A common point of view is that studying at a University is necessary for person who wants to achieve success. However, in real life, many successful people achieve success without education from a University, and a person without a university education is not necessarily incapable of success. This shows that attending University is not the only road that leads people to success. I think success depends on many decisive factors, especially personal ability, life experience, attitude toward labor.

Samac, you have a lot of mistakes, so I hope you will practice and participate in EssayForum. I think you can improve a lot, so keep your spirits up and practice typing this the way I showed you above.

:-)

Essays / Essay Topic : Hope. (What does that mean?A final exam essay topic! Just Hope.) [3]

Yeah, about the profanity... I hope it doesn't seem like I am infringing on your human rights when I tell you that I'm going to suspend your membership if you don't keep some semblance of dignity in your communication. I'm sorry if you feel censored, but I'm not going to spend my time editing the profanity out of your posts, and I'm not going to let you diminish the quality of EssayForum's culture, either. The idea here is to communicate powerfully, eloquently, so people might take you seriously.

About the topics, I don't see anything difficult about writing an essay about "open your eyes." Obviously, it is open to your interpretation.

If you care about trying to figure out what life and death are all about, and if you reflect enough on life to figure out what is important to you, you'll come up with insights you want to share. When that happens, I'll be able to challenge you with any set of words and you'll use it as a vehicle for your expression of truth.

So... maybe you are disappointed with your teachers or frustrated about writing, but try to catch that appreciation for the art. Your writing is like your... personal power, or whatever you want to call it. Make every sentence count, and don't start typing until you have an idea that is really inspired.

The purpose of an essay is to enable you to explain a concept that requires more than a simple sentence of explanation. You can go deep into a concept and give YOUR unique angle on that concept.

Writing Feedback / No matter if it's original, more important is how useful is this idea for the people in a new way? [4]

You begin to talk about patents right away even though they are not mentioned in the prompt. I would suggest an opening sentence like this:

The nature of originality can be understood with reference to patent law.

Then, proceed with the intro para as you write it. I think it is very good! But when you get to the thesis statement, it confuses me:

So, we can see that the statement quoted above is contradictory and there is little bit confusion about the term novelty or originality itself.---- It does not seem contradictory to me. It does not use the word novelty. So... this is better, I think:

So, we can see that the statement quoted above is contradictory and there is little bit confusion about the term novelty or originality itself .
Maybe you do not want to say originality is wrong; maybe you want to say something about how we can understand the concept of originality when everything has already been done.

Oh... now that I am reading the rest of the essay, I understand you better. It will be good if you work on that first paragraph and the thesis statement, though. I don't think this is the central message -- "So, we can see that the statement quoted above is contradictory and there is little bit confusion about the term originality." I think you at least have to add one more sentence after this before ending the first paragraph; that will help make your main point, so it will be a better thesis statement.