Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: go straight to university or take a year off traveling [7]


Note ; when you use ''look forward'', the verb ends with ''ing''.... Many people make this mistake : )
Example;
I look forward to meeting him;
We are looking forward to receiving them.


Instead, state your opinion on this. It is always recommended that you state your opinion in the introduction. It helps the reader to follow you in your desired direction. What you have said above does not add much value to your essay because the reader already knows about it. But he is waiting to know your opinion : )

Writing Feedback / Person should never make an important decision alone; 'faculty choosing' [8]


:D .... I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL... Time is a very important factor in those exams... So you better improve your practice sessions :D


one knows / they know : )


This has some grammar issues;
A person is making / A person makes
My suggestion;
A person should not make important decisions alone and he should consult others to make such decisions in the best way.

Undergraduate / Bully @Ambush Corner; UT Austin/Issue of Importance [2]

You have very good writing skills. It's written very well : )

Only thing is that I prefer if you elaborate a bit more on the role played by your close ones as to help you rid of this problem. ... It's better if you can cite an incident for the reader to understand how those people came in your aid.

Because you give more emphasis on the role that others (may be the system / authorities and the like) can play in this regard without letting an individual to fight back alone, I think this fact should be more emphasized.

Overall, a very good job!

Undergraduate / Common App essay: From supervisor to "dad", from unknown child to "son" [2]


... glad if you simplify the expression more! Is he the son of your mom's friend? Not clear : (
The now 14 year old boy who is ?????????


.... this end seems confusing : (
What do you mean by have fun? ... It doesn't read well .... better re-phrase


My suggestion;
His last few words were the ones that touched me the most; '' Thank you daddy!''


.... this reads better : )


This sentence is a bit too complicated and long... worth trying to re-phrase it....A real good idea and give a try to improve its presentation!

Good Job!

Undergraduate / UC APP - personal; 'breaststroke swimmer' [5]

hI bigchau,


Alright.... then here where you can do something;

Try and take off a few sentences in this part.... I do give my suggestions to others, but for you I don't wish to do so. The reason is our styles mismatch. You've done a beautiful job and I don't want to meddle with that. So you are the best person to handle this :D

Since you have elaborated the scene with every little detail, try to skim it down a little... The rest is worth preserving as each sentence has a point to answer your prompt.

Hope my suggestion is helpful : )

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay:advantages and disadvantages of building a factory near a community [4]


Look at Ahmad's comment;


Yes... this is exactly what you are supposed to do with your introduction if you are keen on earning good marks for this task. Let's try to arrange your intro as he suggests;

Construction of a factory near my community may benefit my people by creating new job opportunities. However, along with that it my also cause several adverse environmental issues such as noise and air pollution. When the advantages and disadvantages are compared, I believe that disadvantages of this project would certainly outweigh its benefits to my community.

I have consumed three sentences to tell what you said in one sentence. But it is important that your sentences are clear. Therefore avoid very lengthy sentences and tell your ideas in simple short ones : )

Undergraduate / UC APP - personal; 'breaststroke swimmer' [5]


:D
But I must say it is super quality :D


... :D ... Very interesting : )

Yep .... You've done a remarkable job taking the reader on a virtual tour on that event. :D
Then you beautifully relate it your personality development : )
I think your answer to this prompt is super and I wish you ALL THE BEST!
Great Job!

Undergraduate / 'different Hispanic cultures' - Discuss your short and long-term goals. [7]


Well, what I suggested you was to post the prompt (topic or the purpose of your essay) for us to give you a better feed back. That's fine : )


Sure.... Let me help you;


I suggest a slight change in organization of this sentence to improve its clarity;
My great efforts made me successful in achieving my goals during my school days.


As a result I have been invited to the National Honor Society, which I believe is the greatest achievement in my entire school career.


This sentence is very confusing and I cannot comprehend what you try to mean... If you explain it further, I can help you with this idea.... Also don't write too lengthy sentences because they tend to confuse the reader : )

Hope my comments are helpful! : )

Research Papers / Senior Project Research Paper on Oral History [3]


I suggest;
I began forming new friendships... why I suggest to replace ''relationships'' with ''friendships'' is because relationships generally have a long term sense. In this case you may be forming just acquaintances, not serious ones ; )


They always had the most interesting things to say that I often enjoyed. So I encouragingly listened to their life experiences.


This sentence sounds a bit repetitive; may be you are using the same set of words ... let's try and say this a little bit differently;

Though I our chats were always limited to a few minutes, they too enjoyed my company.

Undergraduate / Dream Big and leave the Beach; Success [3]


How about;
There is one word that lives in my mind every moment; it is the word ''Success''
I think, moment sounds better than every day :D


I dream about success


The part I have highlighted does not give a clear idea what you try to say; I feel you better re-phrase it!


You need to change the organization of words here .... Otherwise it sounds confusing to the reader

Undergraduate / 'together like a huge family' - Admissions ubc [6]

Okkkkkkkkkk.... I'll do it for you : )
But, before doing that I want to highlight a few grammar mistakes you've done above;



... hardworking is one word :)

Also, for me to help you with this prompt, I want to understand better what you mean by these lines;


Do you mean that Physics was not a mandatory subject until grade 12? I don't get a clear idea as to what you mean... Quickly explain that to me so that I can help you today : )

Undergraduate / EMORY SUP use 5 sentences to describe yourself [4]

Why not first try with writing a small essay that describes you. Then take the most important sentences that, in your view, best describe you. Go on skimming like that until you reach the best last five :D

If you do your first draft and post it here, we will be able to help you improve it further. However, it is you who know about yourself than anyone else. So you got to make a start and get it going. : D

We are ready to help you with final finishing touches :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: go straight to university or take a year off traveling [7]


Working and traveling give them practical exposure and knowledge that cannot be taught in the classroom setup. So it is good if you touched that aspect too, rather than saying that they would learn more by working and traveling.

Also, you need to include specific examples to support these reasons. It's important for you to earn marks in this writing task. So make sure you have examples included for every reason you highlight. My advice is to limit just one reason to one para, and support it with an example in order to manage time effectively.

Undergraduate / 'Playground, board games, unique family' - UC College Application Essay #1 [5]


adolescent memories or childhood memories? I guess it needs to childhood memories!


Great... :D .... but if someone finds you walking their blindfolded he'll inform the police ...lol

WithHaving both my parents being pharmacists, it seems almost expected that my first job would be within a pharmacyeverybody's expectation was that I would find my first job in a pharmacy.

I was 15 when I first worked at CHS Pharmacy overduring the summer.

Undergraduate / ELON UNIVERSITY ESSAY- $10,000 to invest in a project - mission to stop high kill shelters [5]

Hi,


Wow.... very impressive.... Seems you are a goodhearted guy : )

It's very well written, I must say! It flows very well and I couldn't find anything to suggest for improvement : )


For me, It's really good and it's shown that you have put all your heart into this writing. So finally your struggle is paid off : )

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Short Answer Question - Language, race and religion - Singapore [2]

It's a nice essay. A few alterations might make it sound even better.


I have been fortunate enough to visit many countries namely Thailand, China, Malaysia and Indonesia where I thoroughly enjoyed the cultural diversity.


Each country offered me an unforgettable experience and they were all rich in culture in their own unique and special way.

Undergraduate / 'Pashtoon family' - Personal Background and Professional Experience [3]


I feel as if your sentences are a bit too long. Might be a better idea to break them into smaller parts. For example:
After attending my primary schooling in Primary School Chaman, I joined New Government High School Khairojan Baghicha [garden]. After succeeding my matriculation examination in 2002, I enrolled with Government Degree College Chaman as a regular student of Pre-medical.


....This is another very lengthy statement. It's difficult to understand what you're trying to convey. Better rephrase this sentence.

Writing Feedback / Differences between the traditional family and the modern one. [5]


Time has a great bearing on families; on their organization, life-style, bondage, struggles etc. It is very clear that modern family is a much different union in contrast to a traditional family. This paper is aimed at discussing such differences;


------------- this is called joint family concept
The traditional families followed the joint family concept that allowed several families to live together.

Undergraduate / "Half and Half= Whole"; The world I come from/ UC App [2]


yes... we can see that : ) ... you write very well! : )

But as time passed by, English and Mandarin aregot blended smoothly which has perhaps became hard to separate.
You have strong sentences.... Great!

Having the ability to spokespeak two different languages, and handling situations that seemed hard to cooperatecope with,

Undergraduate / UC Promt 1 Intended Major; car dealership [5]


I guess you are no more a child, do you? :D ... Have punctuation !

Watching my father and uncles run businesses,built from scratch taught me that I too never wanted to work beneathunder someone.
The part I scrapped off is not fitting here... This reads better without it : )

Undergraduate / MARKETING MAJOR! 'I have always been a foodie' [2]


... Not to worry ...Me too :D


...''growing up'' ? ... I don't get your intention of having this part in this opening sentence. What do you mean?


Hey... hey... You had a great flow up to this point and this one does not stand up to the previous sentences : ( ... Please re-phrase this... :D


I proposed them to sign an agreement with school to sell ice cream at the games.

Do you have a word count constraint?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: gender discrimination in education [4]

Hi,
I have a suggestion for you : )
Leave one blank line between paragraphs... it has nothing to do withe English writing, but it gives a neat and tidy look to your essay! That would certainly impress your examiner and his happy mood is important to you ; )


Your introduction is pretty short, yet it satisfies the required structure. That's cool : )


The term healthy generally refers to physical health. So health and intelligent do not go together!

Writing Feedback / Future Paragraph; Integrated Marketing Communication (IMC) strategy [2]


Though your way is not grammatically incorrect, I think this sounds better!


I guess you need to keep everything in present tense ... don't you?


.... will is about future, not present!

Hope you have not yet passed your one hour! Good writing and Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, technolgy and traditional ways [3]


Avoid such long sentences... they tend to disturb your flow and clarity of your idea. Let's break this sentence into a few and see how clarity improves;

When we do some math problems, we now use calculator or computer instead of doing mental calculations. These devices produce much faster and accurate results than our own mind.

It seems you have understood the essay structure that is required to follow for this task. Pay more attention to vocabulary and clarity of your ideas. Practice with simple and short sentences. When you are more confident, you can lengthen the sentences!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Blood sports should be banned. [3]

Hi,


This sentence does not convey a clear idea to the reader. Better re-phrase it!


It's better to state what your opinion is in the introduction instead of saying the above. That would not only help the reader to follow what your writing but it also earn you marks.

It appears that blood sports are considered to be popular activities in a numberofsome places, which represents that some population enjoy this particular sport for several reasons .... name a few places so that reader would understand.

You need to pay a lot of attention to sentence structuring and clarity of the sentences!

Undergraduate / Becoming a Leader through the gaming world - UC Prompt 2 [2]


How about ?My adrenaline rush began!


This is fine, but I like if you replace the word "tournament" with "moment" because the reader anyway feels that you are talking of a tournament.

These leadership skills have broaden my work ethicperspectives not only in group tasks, but also individually, constantly employing the strategies to be successful.

Undergraduate / UC Essay; Describe the world you come from - My World - art/culture [2]


Very impressive... I like it : )


really????


why did you say " including age? " ... is it important to say? , otherwise do away with that because it confuses the reader.


looks like you and share one passion :D


Very nice... you are very creative!
I enjoyed reading this... you've done a good job.... I hope you are within the word count :P

Writing Feedback / Marriage partners should similar or not - essay structure check [3]



.... to be in comfort zone? .... well... they need to have money and wealth to be in comfort zone; I dont understand how you relate ''comfort zone'' to this idea : (

Make sure you provide every reason with an example. It is important for you to earn marks for this task!
The following thread is also written on the same topic. In fact it's one of my practice essays while I was doing TOEFL. I followed that structure and it helped me a lot!

Undergraduate / Common App - Extracurricular - Volunteer project; improving education for poor children [3]



------------ universalize? ... I fear that this is not the most appropriate word : ( ... what do you intend to mean by this?


As this town is located very remotely,



Pay attention to punctuation!
I think you need to add more spice into this essay : ) It is always better if you include the prompt also because then we know what exactly they want from you. So we can align our feed backs with the prompt.

However, I feel you need to discuss how this volunteer project help you personally, how it helped them and the challenges you faced in a more effective way... Why not re-do this and post it again?

: )

Writing Feedback / Science VS Religion - what is best for the people? [14]


Yes... there is little told about how religion comes ahead of science to help people when they are in need. For example, when you are sick and doctors don't provide you with any hope (in other words when science has failed to give a solution) then you turn to religion to find refuge.

I think the point trennty_09 highlights would achieve a good balance for this essay. Anyway, good job and it's well written! : )

Undergraduate / "Born in America to Vietnamese parents"; UW - Cultural Diversity [2]


I changed punctuation. Also I find this sentence needs to be more powerful... Even if you dont have Vietnamese roots, you will still be able to visit Vietnam as an American.... You must bring out the special reason about your visit to VN and your VN origins. It is not revealed by this statement.


They would be more interested in hearing your cultural experience than statistics and details.... Bring your experience to the focus!

Graduate / Learning through experience is always a lot different from learning through books: SOP for MS [2]


My interest in this line of work stems from my work experiences in several Bioinformatics companies; XXX Comp, YYY, ZZZ and AAA.


This led me to feel the need for acquiring advance knowledge in this filed in order to pursue my goals. I believe that MS program in Heatlth Informatics, commencing in the fall of 2013, offered by uuuuuu (uni name) is the ideal choice for me in this regard.

Good writing : )
Good luck!

Book Reports / UC Application Prompt #2: Tutoring/teaching [2]


Well.... this is your opening sentence. So it needs to come with a punch !
However, this is a bit over crowded with so many things and it sounds like a list of your personal records. I feel you should re-phrase this sentence. Give prominance the most important thing - i.e. passion for helping others


I guess this is a good point to begin your essay! You can then slowly arrange your flow to highlight how this involvment impacted you and brought out your particular quality.

Scholarship / TCU Admission/Scholarship Essay; Agustin my father, the most significant person in my life [2]


Have punctuation! Though your word count further goes up by two, I think those two words, "with me" , is important to have. : )


His own life, which had many tough times, taught me valuable lessons; He lost his father at ten and the mother at twelve. However, he courageously took up the challenges and finally succeeded.

I think you better highlight your father's outstanding qualities through actuall happenings rather than just stating them. That would be more conceivable !

Undergraduate / After moving, I hated my new life; Florida State University Essay [2]

Hi hannahlynnronk
Make sure that you include your prompt in the thread so that we can give you better feed backs. Without knowing what exactly the prompt asks, it's difficult to align our comments with the prompt : (

However, your writing is excellent! Lovely flow; excellent vocabulary and everything : )

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / Write about any issue of importance to you - Texas essay-B..........NIMBY!! [2]



.... while having millions of people who struggle to feed them with two meals a day.
I love the way you present the contrast : )

I think you've done very good job!!... You have put lots of thought and effort into this; I enjoyed reading it!
I only hope that you are within your word count! :D
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / UC transfer personal: I decided to go to the Phillippines, leaving my hometown, Korea [5]


At the age of fifteen I left my homeland, Korea to study in the Phillippines, the best country, where you can learn Enlgish very systematically at an affordable cost; that is what my parents believed.


In early my days in the Philippines, my English knowledge was zero. I found it was almost impossible to communicate with my classmates or residents. The dictionary was the only aid I had for comprehension and I was devastatingly isolated because all I knew was ''Hi, Bye and How are you? '' to manage a conversation with another. I sat in a corner in the classroom and read books to escape from humiliation and helplessness. My oath, "reduce talking in Korean and talk more in English'' began to fade away!

Undergraduate / a minor in Japanese. arigato gozaimasu ! [5]


Well... I think your love for learning Japanese is a fine point for this prompt. However, I wish if you improve the presentation of your answer and align it more with the prompt.

I have a few suggestions;


I think you should say this differently because this may not be the case with many other students. Avoid giving room for others to form the impression that you sound a stereotype. Instead bring you into the focus;

Although I am majoring in xxxxxxx, I have another great passion for learning Japanese culture and language. How I did advent this passion is also an interesting story;

Then go to the story and introduce the influence of your Japanese friend with that -

Undergraduate / UC personal; accomplishment - I had fallen in love with martial arts; "ce kong fan" [6]


:D
Yep... I always appear like a ghost :P
Good to know you have a balance to be utilized, i mean words :D


I was fourteen when I fell madly in love with martial arts. I even self-taught a few forms and began to believe that I have a skill for this newly formed love of mine. One day, I asked my uncle who was a veteran in Changquan and Taijiquan forms of martial arts, whether he could teach me. He gladly accepted to be my teacher.

Undergraduate / Texas A&M Inspiration essay. 'When I was a child I remember living in a shed.' [3]

Hi share8a

Always make a habit to include your prompt in your post so that you would get better feed backs that are more aligned with your prompt!


This sentence gives a wrong message; It almost sounds like your mother was under the influence of drugs... When you read the next one only , it gets cleared. So you need to re-phrase it.

I remember how she was the one to change all that, and turn our lives around into a different direction, a positive direction indeed.