Writing Feedback / Ambitious dreams encourage people to endlessly try for their success [3]

... because it seems to be more advantageous to achieve the goals under general circumstances.

After thorough consideration, however, I would pick having ambitious dreams over having realistic aims. There are two main reasons to support my argument; ambitious dreams give desire of life to people and help them to see their life more widely.

Rather than , they believe ---It is okay to just start the sentence with the word "rather."

This is a great sentence:
For example, when I was in a high school, my goals were always short-sighted things such as getting good score on test and preparing my presentation well and I always suffered from an obsession to accomplish my immediate goals.

One day, my mother advised me to look my at my whole life and make plans more broadly.----That is wise advice!

So, what is your vision for your life in the year 2022? I want to know!

Welcome to EF, Sei!!!!

Scholarship / Courage to Grow Scholarship: The question is why do I deserve this scholarship? [5]

That first paragraph is uneventful. SO many people have single parent households. You need a new concept to add a new dimension to the essay. If you want to have great success despite adversity, you have to get passionate about a plan for the future.

That is the way to write a great essay. (However, it might drive you crazy. It is good to relax into your life situation, but when you write an essay like this show that you have a plan with several short term goals.) :-)


What dreams? I want to know about the details of the dream. If you tell the reader how this scholarship will affect the way you achieve your goals, the reader will want to view you favorably.

Undergraduate / "Heart On Strings - Touching My Guitar" - UC Essay Help [2]

I have to make a small change here:
seeing how I didn't practice every day or even take interest in it.

In my ten year-old...

...and that stuffy classroom, not to mention my teacher. ----ha hahahahaha!!

Every day was...
Today, my sixteen year-old

To put it simply, it was boring, and I hate being bored.---You have some GREAT sentences!!

I just sat there, in my room, every day plucking on...

Only use "everyday" as one word if you are using it as an adjective:
"Practicing is an everyday experience for me."

Undergraduate / "History has been my obsession" - Statement of Purpose essay for UT [3]

Welcome, Ken! Thanks for sharing the essay.

History has been an obsession. During my sophomore world history class, I fell in love with...

So not only is history my passion but it is in my blood as well.---Excellent, very good...

Teaching the subject is my ultimate goal --no, this is not the ultimate goal. Dig deeper. Infuse the essay with a real vision of the future.

A statement of purpose essay is designed for students to express themselves in a way that exemplifies not only their personalities but their purpose for choosing the particular school they are applying to and I know that my purpose is to attend UT and to major in histo This sentence is not helpful.

Attending the University of Texas at Austin would be the highlight of my life and it would be a privilege to be accepted to this institution. This part is just fluff. You should not include simple, nice comments like this. Focus always on your single most important concept. You are talking about not only history but also teaching. What is your philosophy of teaching? What have you been reading about teaching or about history? Do not just say, "I like to share knowledge." Show that you have been reading books and articles that history professors might read.

Mention what you are reading lately... :-)

Undergraduate / UCF nursing program - college essay why i want to attend. [6]


That is a quality I admire in people! :-)


Well said! I bet a lot of people will benefit from reading this in the future. The applicants that STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD are the ones that have a special idea about what they want to contribute. It does not have to be a contribution that is the most amazing thing in the world, but it has to be based on your unique interests and talents.

Writing Feedback / In the pursuit of peace, is it okay to sacrifice the lives and freedoms of some? [2]

As a result, many people were stripped of their personal belongings, status, and wealth, and the people of the higher socioeconomic status were accused robbing the nation of its resources and were sentenced to death penalty. ------I made some corrections here.

This is such a brilliant sentence:
For instance, wars, throughout the age of humanity, have happened primarily because people are unable to come to an acceptable agreement with their adversaries; they do not understand the viewpoints of others.

Hence, people will selfishly think for about their...

This is a very meaningful essay... one of my favorites! I guess you are right. Sometimes, though, I wish we could take control in places where genocide and oppression occur... and enforce peace!

Writing Feedback / My pet tiger, bitten by a snake and died. [4]


Is that really true, or do you just have a messed up sense of humor?! :-)

Use an apostrophe:
My dog's name is tiger.

Capitalize the first word of a sentence:
He barks at...

Jeya, welcome to EssayForum! I hope you work hard here and become an excellent writer with the English language.

Graduate / "intellectual ability, passion and willingness" - I'm applying to MPH program [6]

Something about the way you wrote that first paragraph is really intriguing. However, I don't think it should be the first paragraph. I think it should be the second paragraph. You should add a new paragraph to the beginning of this essay and make it a paragraph that really captures the essence of your main idea.

Yes, combine the first 2 paragraphs and then add a new intro so that they become the second paragraph. :-)

This is so impressive! You really have interests and aspirations. You seem like a serious intellectual with god intentions. Anyone who does not accept you into the program is an idiot. :-)

Writing Feedback / Existence of the supernatural? Essay wrote on watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" [12]


Here is something I noticed right away.
2 words: In fact

Also, you listed several things, so use ARE instead of IS in that first sentence.


This is a run on sentence unless you use a conjunction.

Some people might not have similar opinions, but it is also sure that they can't explain everything on the basis of science.---my favorite part of the essay.

Great ideas, here. I agree with you. Some people have realized that their religions were based on wishful thinking. Then, they became skeptical. Now, they should come full circle and realize that this very existence is a ghostly, supernatural event! :-)

Just like the dream you had last night, this life you are having might turn very weird all of a sudden.

Graduate / Future Research Interests Statement- For PhD in Biology [3]


I think you should add some specific concepts. These sentences above do not actually express any unique concept. I want you to surprise the reader with one or two unique, memorable concepts. Drop some unforgettable concepts in the reader's lap. Share some concepts from an article or book you recently have been studying. Interest the reader.

Okay, lady, let's identify the mistakes so you can correct them. Type the essay again the correct way... oh, actually I see that JahYun Kim already fixed the small errors you made.

Okay, meditate on this and try to add some excellent concepts.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: "quick decisions are unsafe decisions" [15]

Well, what is an academic word? Is it a word that is associated with school somehow? I don't know what you mean.
Maybe they do give you more points if you use examples that pertain to school. It is probably a good idea. Anyway, the most important thing to do is write a lot and let people identify your errors so that you can correct your bad grammar habits. You have very few bad grammar habits, so I think you can easily pass the toefl.

Graduate / MPH Statement - "the understanding of public health research" [7]


Please do! We need a lot of help to correct all these essays. Thanks for being here.

Undergraduate / "a strong campus community and freedom" - Why Brown Essay - help? [3]

Do you see that this sentence is not complete?

A school where classes were big enough that kids could sleep in the back the whole period without the teacher noticing, or put their ipod headphones in and cover them with their hair.---It is long and interesting, but you have to be able to recognize when a sentence has no predicate. In a formal academic essay like this, you can't do that. In a novel or short story it is okay. But here... use a dash to fix it:

For as long as I can remember, I have gone to a big school -- a school where classes ...


I don't like this. It is simple and nonspecific. In order to distinguish yourself, you need to really develop your plan for the future. A person with a detailed plan is impressive. A person with short term goals, self-imposed deadlines, and a real vision of the future is impressive.


That is okay! When I write it is weak sometimes, but I KNOW it is weak. You will also KNOW when you have that energy of inspiration.

So, begin with one word. What is the perfect word to capture your vision of the future?

What is the perfect sentence to express your truth, your meaning.

Writing Feedback / Better place to live is a big city; more opportunities [4]


Great question! Yes, in the 6th edition of the APA style guide they changed it to recommend typing the numerals if it is below ten. In the previous edition they recommended numerals for numbers below twenty.

So, when using APA, I follow their rule, but in my other writing I always use the word. For example, I would write one hundred instead of 100. I think the word affects the reader in a different way... emotionally.

Then again, I would write 155 instead of one hundred fifty-five.
:-) It is all about the experience I want to create for the reader.

Writing Feedback / Classroom management and discipline, practical every day. [5]

Classroom discipline and management cause the most...

However, classroom management is a skill that is not only learned, but also practiced every day.

On the other hand, I consider that is it very important to build relationship with the students from the beginning.

Put a period at the end:
humor instead of sarcasm.

Keep it in the past tense if you start it in the past tense:
How would I respond in a conflict if my reputation depended on...

...motivation and praise as an important factors in classroom management. ---Plural

:-) Your English is great!!!! The mistakes are very small.

Writing Feedback / Children should not sit quietly in their seats and learn in a rote manner. [4]

Do not use approved here.
Use proved.

Many researches approved proved that the...

classical way of teaching is not fruitful because it makes students passive learners who can't contribute much to their societies and can't have a good critical thinking to...

Keep those ing words consistent in the sentence:
...should not be pouring knowledge in students' heads and feeding...

points of view

Don't forget that apostrophe:
... interrupt and intervene in teachers' speeches.
This helps instructors to know students' expectations and...

Graduate / "economic opportunity" - Personal Statement for Masters of Environmental Management [4]

Energy is what makes possible the marvelous technology we all enjoy, but wait energy is also a never-ending cyclical cycle which all environmental issues stem from I realized.--Do nmot tell the reader to wait. Do not say cyclical cycle. I think this last sentence of the paragraph should be revised.

a colloquium on Free Market Environmentalism that brought everything together, helping me set a clear career goal.---Mention what you learned about how free market forces affect the environment. What do you remember from the event?

My career goal is to become an authority in environmental consulting.-----That is not a goal. It's a specialization that can enable you to achieve a goal. What is your real goal? :-)

Firstly I have not lost my desire to attend law school; in fact I now see law school as a necessary and powerful part of my professional training, building an understanding of the complex policies, laws, and issues encircling energy and ultimately the environment, and just as importantly providing professional training pertinent to the business world. The other crucial step is the Masters of Environmental Management at the renowned Yale School of Forestry and Environmental Studies.---I love the combination of 2 fields in order to achieve your vision, but you are still just naming a career specialization. I think you should discuss some opinions, some ideas that you gained while reading books about environmentalism and law. Show that you already are being proactive in learning the best actual steps to take in solving the problems that are important to you.

Writing Feedback / How to succeed in learning a foreign languge. [5]

I moved that other essay to a new thread. Please start a new thread for every essay. Only one essay should be in each thread, but you can post multiple drafts of the same essay.

This one about learning language is great. I agree with Ajit. I think it seems that you are saying language learning is inseparable from learning about the culture. Also, it seems like you are implying that authentic cultural experiences are necessary for language learning. From your essay, I got the insight that you have not really learned a language until you have become deeply familiar with the culture.

I think you should have a more meaningful sentence at the end of the first paragraph. Instead of just stating something simple at the end of that first paragraph, say something profound. :-)

Undergraduate / Change in a person's life ; Issue of importance [4]

I don't think you should use the Wiki information. It is always considered a bad source of info in academic writing...

According to Wikipedia.com change is, "The process of becoming different."
I like this part, but i would make a small change: Change in a one person's life can represent progress, while for another it can represent calamity.

The writing will be more poignant with fewer words:
However, as I became wiser, I realized that yes, change in one's life can be either positive or negative and can represent progress or calamity, but in the final analysis it is one's own choice as to what to make change represent. -----Within this sentence, you had stated the obvious... and that makes the reader stop paying attention.

...for the worse when I...

I've come to realize and believe that anything is possible if I want to achieve it,-----This is a cliche. The reader already has heard of this idea. Your essay must be unique and powerful. Do not let a sentence like this one appear in the essay, because it is not powerful or interesting.

I think the rest of the story is VERY interesting. Also, I love the way you returned to that "change" theme at the end. Still, I hope you can revise this so that it focuses more on the aspiration that is associated with your career of choice. What can you call the "issue" here? Make a connection with the issue and your career plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / "survived the emotional baggage" - why i am a great candidate for FIT [5]


Okay, this is the sentence where I first feel confused. You already gave enough sentences to set the scene. I think you should replace this sentence with one that helps the reader to know how to interpret this comparison you are making.

Do you know what I mean? Change this sentence so that it hints to the reader that you are a pair of shoes. :-)

Writing Feedback / "my father whom i respect forever" - The person i would like to be [5]

...and her debts were huge.

Then, she was looking for a loan shark to clear her debts and she cannot could not sustain it, so she was left in big trouble.

After that, a lot of loan shark looking for my father and my father pay paid for it.

Luckily, my father has a restaurant to help him with our living expenses.

His is a very hardworking man, one whose diligence is unlike anything I have ever seen before.

:-)

Make these corrections, and TYPE the essay again. Practice, practice!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:'history and geography'; working teenagers while they are still students. [4]

Most people hypothesize that the students have a responsibility to study well at school.----Practice typing the sentence this way.

... rural students do part-time jobs such as tutoring, waiting tables, or cleaning to save money because of their shortage of money and also the luxurious life in city.

Some of them even contemplate using...

For instance, I used to work as a local tour guide six months ago.

Last but not least, the bulk of energetic students desire to find an occupation that will challenge them.

... is the best paying and most suitable for them after graduating, so having jobs during the school year will be a key to their careers.

... students can make up their minds to...

convincing and undeniable reasons to support the argument that students should have jobs.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - the government should support the scientific research with no practical use? [5]

For example, poor children have no money to receive education; high house prices prevent people...

Oh, I see. I agree with your argument! I think make you are arguing that there is "no such thing" as scientific research without practical value.

In addition, scientific research, more often than not, can not be predicted, meaning that people may not see clearly the possible huge potential. ----Very good sentence!! Use "cannot" as a single word.

You have some great examples in this essay!

Writing Feedback / Less than half of high school graduates with a diploma. - an essay [6]


Sounds like you are born to be a blogger. Big bad blogger Ana. You should watch youtube vids about how to make $$ blogging.

to subliminally motivate us, the next generations, to learn in order to pass the 12th grade. Even though I appreciate their willingness to provide us with such unofficial and ineffective statistics I think it's about time to look at this matter objectively.---This first paragrap leaves me feeling a little uncertain about exactly what you mean. Just a little.

A paranoid concern among the masses was to be expected. --cool sentence.

We are left at the hand of incompetent leaders who try to hide their futility in this world by randomly asking future 12th graders on TV about their feelings. ----Well, somebody obviously did something right when educating you!

And about that last sentence... awesome poignancy, great ending. AND I think it solves the mystery. Nobody actually has incentive to care about the next generation. The rich want good employees, and the old know that they turned out okay even though their education was worse than yours. The politicians are not directly invested in the quality of education, either. EVERYBODY has goals and interests, and nobody has direct incentive to actually improve the quality of education. Even those responsible for achieving high academic standards actually have incentive only to create appearances, not high standards in actual reality.

Once in a while, though, you meet an eccentric teacher who really wants to empower others.

Undergraduate / "to contribute to the reunification of two Koreas" - Common App Essay [2]

...drench all of the water out of your body.---I think this sentence should be changed. You can't really drench water out of something.

As I got off the bus, the exotic aroma told me that I had arrived...

Use a hyphen:
21 year-old

Wow, crazy story!! So, he was in N. Korea until almost age 20? Do you ask him about how it was to grow up there? Interesting...

keep the verb tense consistent:
...said he needed to learn English more since he couldn't understand or...

...but who knows if I will go to...

Brilliant. I love it! You told the story well. Can you include more details about what goals you hope to accomplish via your education?

Welcome to EssayForum, friend! We are lucky to have you.

Writing Feedback / "studying in overseas" - IS IT GOOD TO STUDY ABROAD ? [3]

Now trim away the extra words:
Many would be definitely be glad at the thought of being able to pursue their tertiary education abroad. ---Fewer words = more power in the sentence.

Let's use the female pronoun to make up for centuries of overusing the male pronoun:
First of all, when one studies abroad, she will...

Hence, this will inculcate responsibility in him her.

Looking from another perspective, I do agree some students feel homesick if they stay away from family and home for a very long time. My cousin who left traveled to New Zealand to...

This essay is pretty good! The concepts you cover are rather simple and obvious, but the style of writing is great.

Student Talk / I am new here and I want to practice writing English essay.. [35]

Everyone is welcome. I'm glad we have an online community full of such great people.

Any time you want to practice, just post an essay, and we can work together to improve the quality and identify mistakes.

Undergraduate / (where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams) UVA Spring Transfer Essay [5]


It's great if you can use a metaphor based on the THEME you maintain throughout the essay.

You need one magic word. You need a word or phrase that will stick in the reader's mind.

Such a relationship I have is one with my first Economics professor. He sparked my major declaration and current obsession with Economics. ---Do not write in a complex way unless it is necessary for clearly making a point. Always keep it simple:

I have such a relationship with my Economics professor.

He sparked my major declaration and current obsession with Economics. ----THIS is now your theme. You planted this sentence at the end of the first para, and the reader remembers it. Can you make this sentence more meaningful? Do not simply say what your major is. Give the reader a glimpse of your plan... your vision.

apostrophe:
father's

Undergraduate / "I look forward to attending MBC" - educational opportunity for me [2]

Use the first person perspective:
...things I think I need in order for this program to be appropriate for me (All of which I possess!):

Try not to use the word "things." A better, more descriptive word is almost always available...


This sentence lacks power and interest. The last sentence of the first paragraph is the most important sentence of the essay. Make it meaningful! Make it express that single concept that you hope the reader remembers.

You have great structure in this essay. The writing reflects your intelligence. Like I say to almost everyone, I just want to see more details about your plan for the future. Get specific about the plan you are carrying out and the role played by this program.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "The Crusifix of Pope John Paul the II" - Describe an insignificant object [8]


I like the way you worded this. And I used to think of it just as a concept _ The subject and object are ONE because of their dependence on one another. But it is not just a concept or a way of thinking about something.

Eckhart Tolle said, "The dreamer is not the person. The person is part of the dream."

:-)


Yeah, that fresh present. Constant change helps. I am at a Mexican fast food place in Boston with my laptop, because I work at a different place every day. It helps me think!

Graduate / "the sucessful study at the business school" - Motivation Letter for MBA program [4]


Everyone says this sort of thing, Mario, I think you should say something surprising, something unexpected. Share with the reader the idea that drives your ambition.

Given the situation that I have been left school for so long, it is really struggling for me to make such a decision at the moment.

After left my last job with xxxx, I decided to take a short break to think through what most I want to do. During the period, when I look back my professional life along the way, I must admit I have achieved all of the goals I set for myself and I enjoyed them. The reader does not need to know these details. The reader needs to know your big idea, your unique idea.

It turn out the limitations of knowledge relating to business management and lack of international exposure could be barriers to get my feet on to the ground of the success and prospect growth in the struggling business world. obviously!

I also have a plan to set up my own business in the future as my ultimate objective is to become a well-rounded business professional.-Now THIS is my favorite part. Tell the reader about your vision of the future. Give details about your philosophy and your aspiration.

:-)

Undergraduate / "always tell my mother two words" - Personal statement: my struggle with language [4]

Hey, is this all one paragraph? Separate it into paragraphs, and begin each paragraph with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.


Yes, the trick is to use some magic words. Some words just get the attention of the reader. They surprise the reader a little.

After you write a draft, go back and cut as many words as possible, like Miyagi trimming a Bonsai:
n the movie, Colin Firth plays a tragic British king with...

:-)

My mother personified as a companion and...---Hey, this is not the right way to use the word personified. You write very well, though, so I think you can figure out an alternative.

Welcome to EssayForum, Mark!!

Undergraduate / UCF nursing program - college essay why i want to attend. [6]


Can you be more specific? Lots' of schools have nursing programs. What is unique about you? What is unique about your mission in life?

I chose to apply to the University of Central Florida because of its nursing program. Ever since I stepped foot into high school I knew that I wanted to become a nurse. and work in the medical field. All nurses do.

As I did my research on different schools that I would like to attend, UCF appeared to be the best one for me. Wasted sentence.

Knowing that the staff cares about its students, was even more of a reason for me to apply to this school.---All schools claim the staff cares.

Separate this into paragraphs, do not state the obvious, get rid of that obvious last sentence, and... figure out ONE KEY IDEA that is going to be planted in the reader's mind. What is YOUR unique theme? What is your vision?

:-) Welcome to EssayForum! I only criticize you so much because I care... I want to share the trick of writing an unforgettable essay!

Undergraduate / "Through drawing" - SAIC Artist Statement [5]

Great intro! I like that first sentence.


This detail should not be at the end of the first paragraph. You should put it somewhere else. At the end of the first paragraph, express the idea that you want the reader to remember.


This sentence gives me a clue about what UNIQUE CONCEPT you might give the reader to "remember you by."


This is too vague. It is sort of a stereotypical, generic thing to say. I want you to blast them in the face with your uniqueness.

:-)

Also, sentences are better without "I believe." Look at how much stronger this is: I believe that I need a flourishing, creative environment that allows ...

Essays / I'm applying to a bio. graduate program and I need help in my STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [3]


Yes, or maybe your PURPOSE involves all three of those programs, so you will discuss all of them and their role in helping you achieve your unique, interesting goal.

Give the reader something to remember, and show that you have a detailed plan.

:-)


Ha ha, what do you mean? I don't get it...

Essays / CBEST Written Exam Help - where to start? [8]

Hey, this is a perfect way to structure and develop a paragraph. It has a topic sentence, then some elaboration... and at the end, you leave us with something "extra" to think about.

:-) So, don't be terrified. You are a natural writer.

Essays / Proposal essay conclusion: "as discussed in this paper" or "previously mentioned" [4]

The conclusion should help to leave your main idea in the reader's mind. You can mention the points made in the essay, but do it in a way that shows how they all come together to prove that your argument is correct.

Always be purposeful. Sometimes, people write in a way that uses a lot more words than necessary and repeats the same ideas over and over. Make sure that when you write the conclusion you are feeling that energy of inspiration and purpose.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Academic writing Ielts: Effects of globalization [5]

Endless controversy has erupted over globalization.

The purpose of my writing is to critically analyse the typical impacts of globalization on our world. (Okay, right after this sentence, add one more sentence before ending the first paragraph. Add a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay. What is your main argument?)

If you add that special sentence to the end of the first paragraph, it will improve the structure.

Globalization has a massive impact on the global economy. ---Change this sentence so that it points out a negative effect on the economy.

Cultural exchange is also one of the most striking impacts of globalization on our lives.--Change this so that it points out a negative effect on culture.

In conclusion, from my perspective, in spite of some detrimental effects on developing countries, globalization are is changing the world as a whole in a positive way, because ____________________ (Give the reason. Then, you can use this sentence at the end of the first paragraph.)

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing - Are parents best teachers? Yes, they are. [7]

This is such a great thread!

Here is an opportunity to learn something about the difference between the way you use MAKE and the way you use CAUSE:
Parents can make children become good people.
Parents can cause children to become good people.

When you use CAUSE, you can say "cause to..."

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'born in Dehiwala; life of opportunities' - Essay about "MySelf" [4]

Yes, it is best to omit "goodmorning" from the essay. I think it is a nice idea for making it personal and real, but... still, not quite right.

The first few sentences should surprise and interest the reader. The first few sentences should succinctly express the main idea for the whole essay. Do not make the reader wait a long time to figure out, "What is the message being given to me in this essay?" Let the reader know the message right away.

:-)

Do not capitalize the common noun:
I decided to follow another course in Teaching teaching.

So never regret when you couldn't an inability to achieve...

Welcome to EssayForum!