Graduate / When it comes to robots, reality still lags science fiction; SOP -for MS in robotics [7]

I have recently completed my Bachelor of Engineering in ...

The distinguished faculty and excellent facilities at University of ___________ makes its graduate program ideally suited to my professional goals. Your university will give me the opportunity to work under the guidance of renowned professors like _______ especially in topics like _______.------------- this part is still too general. I think you should add a personal element.

I mean... there are always several schools that would be okay for any given area of study... but why do YOU choose this one. Maybe it just feels right.

A personal reason would be like this:
"I want to attend Purdue because I am following in the footsteps of one of my favorite teachers."
"I want to attend Tufts University because the school promotes a philosophy of education that really resonates with me better than other philosophies."

Dissertations / Phd in research - rural marketing [6]

Well, you have a good idea already. You say you want to look at some problems that do not seem to be problems. If you can find even one problem that is not usually recognized as a problem, it will be a great research topic.

I can't help much because I don't know the field.
Yet, you CAN find a great topic. Just read 3 articles that you can easily understand and look at the problems they identified.

If you read three articles, you will have three great examples of research problems.

You are supposed to do so much reading that you become an expert, and the Phd is like your masterpiece. What have you learned? You probably have unique knowledge of some specific area. What country do you know best? What kind of marketing do you know best.

If someone asked me to write a dissertation, I would write about editing and grammar because I know about some common problems that people do not recognize as problems. What do YOU know best? What problem can you solve better than anyone?

Writing Feedback / GRE (Argument203) the question about the contrast of hospitals [3]

You write so well! I think you do a good job of writing clearly and eloquently. Here is how to "sharpen" your thesis:

However, after examining the evidence supported, it exposed to me that the evidence leads little logical support to the final claim. Specifically, the mistaken reasoning results from failure to consider other factors that could underlie the statistics used to support the argument.

You gave a clear thesis, but I added another sentence to tell the "theme" of your argument against the claim.

You can also make it better by adding one last, interesting sentence to the end of that conclusion paragraph. Add one sentence that the reader will remember. A sentence that succinctle tells what the problem was. "The claim is based on an assumed causal relationship that does not necessarily exist."

:-)

Writing Feedback / Preserving its old, historic buildings means respecting the previous generations [5]

Hello, I'm sorry it took me so long to see your essay. Usually you would have goten more responses by now.

When it comes to choosing whether to preserve or destroy the old historic buildings, I believe that different people will hold have different perspectives on...

The first and most important...
... the buildings of Ancient Rome had not been preserved until now, how could we know about Ancient Rome's history precisely? (add a sentence to support your thesis, like this: The fact that preserving buildings helps to preserve culture supports the argument that we should preserve buildings as a matter of respect for our ancestors.)

Then do the next paragraph:
Furthermore, the old historic buildings of a city would accentuate...

If you end the first paragraph with the statement about "respect," it is good to end some of the body paragraphs with sentences that show how the paragraph supports that thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Writing Feedback / SAT: QUESTION DECICIONS OF LEADERS [5]

In 1998, after sequence of effort series of arguments and resolutions, Vietnam...-- just an idea I had.

Therefore, in some cases, taking ideas, decisions of people in positions of authority into consideration is very important. -- this sentence ids too complicated. Let's try to say it in fewer words without tryng to say too much.

Therefore, in some cases, taking ideas, decisions it is very important for citizens to carefully scrutinize the decisions of people in positions of authority.

Lee Kuan Yew is a great Singaporean statesman.---- change this sentence so that it tells the main idea of the paragraph. The main idea of the paragraph is not that he was a great statesman. The main idea is that he is an example of a statesman whose judgment seems to good that people do not feel the need to question it. So, I think you should change the topic sentence of the paragraph to reflect that idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / My experience as a lifeguard: Saving Jeffrey. [7]

Also, I forgot to mention that this one is a great story. It has very interesting content, and I think the reader will really enjoy it.

It's good that you need to reduce the word count, because it will improve if you take out some of the less powerful sentences:

"I'm a trained professional! I'm a trained professional! Please step back!" I yelled as I jumped out of the pool as quickly as I could. "Miss, ... he had escaped from, yell out to me. Finally, help arrived.

You can cut out all this, and it will be action packed (and within that word limit).

Writing Feedback / Violence is never a real solution to a political crisis. (MCAT written topic) [6]

Hi Ripoff, I don't see this material online anywhere, and it seems to be original as far as I can tell. Do you mean to say the essay is a paraphrasing of something that already exists? If so, that is okay, too, because we are trying to improve our skill.

I definitely appreciative of your input, though, and I hope you'll keep participating in essayforum! :-)

What is most important to us is that we do not want anyone to commit plagiarism or post any material that appears elsewhere online. :-)

Undergraduate / My experience as a lifeguard: Saving Jeffrey. [7]

It was a nice May day, perfect for a day at the pool as many guests were enjoying a refreshing swim. Among the guests were 8-year-old Jeffrey and his family who had ...

...still circling and fully conscious.--- start a new paragraph here.

I think you can scratch out all this, too:
I jumped off my stand onto the pool deck and put my whistle in my mouth. I gave him one last chance to come to the top, praying that he would pop up, but he didn't. All movement stopped. I blew my whistle as loud as I could and jumped in. --- look at it without these sentences, and you'll see that it moves along nicely. At the start of the next paragraph you are already in the water.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'The compass pointing at the happiness' commonapp main essay [8]

However, a great person cannot attain happiness unless other people are also happy. People live to be happy.

Though he could not make everyone happy, he was trying his best to and by it, and by doing so he could attain happiness.

For the past four years, he not only taught me the purpose of my life and the things that I have to do for my life but also gave me methods and courage. Because of my father, I could get close to the real happiness. Now, I understand him and think I can live like him. For me, My Father my father was the compass pointing at happiness.

Nice job! This is beautifully written! I hope you'll spend some time at EF helping others to write like you do. Your father sounds like a great person.

Undergraduate / Ms. Lee - "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you" [14]

Moreover, Ms. Lee's general teaching style had an equally significant impact on me due to her specific methods. --- argh, I'm having trouble figuring out how to fix this part...

Moreover, Ms. Lee's general teaching style had as significant of an impact on me as her specific methods. Her approach to teaching was to show her students the path to knowledge, thereby allowing students to --- that is what to do. Scratch out the extra part. :-)

Here is another part to cut out:
Therefore, Ms. Lee's influence inspired me to enlightened me by revealing an amazing source of happiness: philosophy. My development of a deep appreciation for this avid process of examination was, in fact, an aspiration become Walt Whitman's "noiseless patient spider," a blissful creature that has formed a bridge to something concrete: a soul that has found meaning and understanding.

:-)

This is great writing!! I enjoyed it.

Graduate / B.tech Mechanical Engineering - Trying to write an sop.. [3]

Vikash, I think that's a great idea... look at some SOP examples to see what it should be like.

However, you left out the most important part: the real purpose.
If we examine our ideas and motives, what we do each day and what is important to us, we can write an SOP at any moment of life.

It all starts with a sentence that expresses how you think and what you deem to be important -- a sentence that expresses your own unique way.

Do that, and explain your plan. Write clearly and simply, and it will be easy to see how this particular school fits with your plan.

Writing Feedback / The Benefits of Televising Government Proceedings. [4]

Here are some grammar corrections:
Firstly, to a great extent, the phenomena of corruption will be lessened due to the surveillance of people. As China's government claims...

When I think about the structure of the essay, I look to the last sentence of the first paragraph. This is where you "get to the point." You write:

Simultaneously, I think there is not only television but also other ways we can get informed with the process of government issues as well.--- this is a good sentence, and it makes me think you are going to talk about other ways people can get information.

Our ways to communicate and obtain messages keep up changing according to the advances of technology, and television is the invention from a distant period in our past.

According to the advice of Rajesh, I think you can give good structure to this essay by using topic sentences. Google this:
How to write good topic sentences.

Write a good topic sentence for each paragraph to tell about the other ways people get necessary information.

Structure comes from a good thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph and good topic sentences at the start of every body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

I think you should choose one discovery and stick to it. Choose one and give it your vote. Say, "The discovery of digital communication has benefited people in my country more than any other discovery of the past 100 years."

Does that help? The Internet was invented, but someone had to DISCOVER the way to use digital communication. We discover ways to innovate.

Write some more about your country, and give examples.

Graduate / MOVING SO OFTEN; Hardships - Personal Statment for Michigan [7]

When I was a child I had the unique opportunity of being able to travel to various places around the world. Both of my parents were in the military, and so I grew accustomed to having to move every so many years.

I spent most of my youth living outside of the United States. We spent a very small amount of time in Korea, three years in Germany, ten years in England, and three years in Japan as well as several months in between each time period in California. Despite having been to so many various places, I believe my stay in Japan was the most memorable for me.--- when you say this, it makes me wonder what the essay is about. I did not think this was going to be an essay about Japan.

You have a great way of writing! I don't know if you have a learning disability in math. You might just be a verbal/auditory thinker.. a language person, like me. I am not good at math either, but I am good at language, like you. I like this sentence:

By this time my husband and I realized that we had conflicting ideas on life and how to raise a child. We divorced. -----I mean, I'm sorry about the divorce, but I like the way you give a two word sentence: we divorced.

He left me with sole custody of the child, but unfortunately the military will would not allow a single mother to serve. I was discharged from the military earlier than I intended.

This is one of my favorite essays. It really feels authentic and sincere. I am glad to have caught a glimpse of your interesting life. I hope you take some classes about learning disabilities, because it is important that you know they are just things people say to label themselves. We all have learning disabilities. Keep up your practice -- language, shodo, shugendo.

I'm glad you are participating in EssayForum!

Writing Feedback / sharp evolution in human history;Internet provides a lot of valuable information [7]

Hello! I'm sorry I missed this one. Here are some areas to fix:

The Internet offers us a bulk of benefits, of which i am going to discuss.

The first element is the role of a searching tool. Nowadays, many clearly find it no hard easy to gain the vital sources of information with a few key words as surfing the net. ...

Recently, I have been highly intrigued with several networks where I...

This last sentence is a tough one:
To sum up, we humans have profited in various ways since the appearance of the Internet.

Here is a way to improve your understanding!
Except In addition to proving to be a good search tool, opening social networks full of interaction, they also become a good keeper for human progression.

"Except" is for something different. Example: We like everything about the Internet except for the sexy farm animal sites and the spam.

Writing Feedback / The issue of knives in general and at school - an opinion/letter to the editor [5]

The amount number of knife attacks in the community has risen dramatically at an astonishing rate.

...the kid and anyone who has direct responsibility for their actions are all idiots --- the problem is not with using the word. The problem is that it is speculative and a weak argument. It is better to say only things you can substantiate. Instead of speculating that they are idiots, stick to the facts and say "we can see that many people will make bad decisions if given the opportunity..."

Honestly, these parents have to do something about their kids so they don't become unless people that contribute nothing to society. again, you weaken your argument here by seeming to lose your cool and rant about it. It is better to stick to the facts.

I think this issue is important and should be addressed quickly, I have created want to propose a few solutions that I think will help counter this dreadful issue. ...

I like this part:
... to help her chop the veggies ; it is because you want to be violent, you want to kill!--- again, though, this is speculative. Many people carry knives for self-defense and do not want to kill anyone. So, it weakens your argument when you say this. Never say anything that anyone can contradict and prove to be unreasonable, or you lose your credibility.

In general, this is great!! Maybe you have to be more specific with the solution you propose... Some knives must remain legal, after all.

Undergraduate / Additional information: professional and sports experience [2]

It might be because you can't open a new thread until you post some feedback in other people's threads. The system is intended to make people help each other. So, go help some other writers by giving them your ideas and feedback! :-)

The first paragraph is too general, and it seems meaningless because it it the same stuff admissions readers always see. You should think of the word that perfectly captures what you want to express. You might want to choose a word to have as your mascot word.. for example, I think "Kime" is a Japanese word that means something like "single-minded focus." That would be a good theme for your essay.

These are great accomplishments, but why did you do all these things? What do you make of this process where you have to choose a field of study and enter an industry as a professional? What is important to you, and what made you want to work so hard? Give this essay a theme that will help the reader remember you. Burn your message into their minds.

Essays / A balance between being successful financially vs giving back - where to start? [3]

That's a great discussion, Navaneet. I guess this is a question of how much to keep for yourself verses how much to give away. Should I spend $10,000 on a car, or should I get a car for $1,000 and give the rest to people in poor countries? You have to come to a solid conclusion after contemplating this. When you come to a deep realization, you are ready to write!

Just write your realizations as the topic sentences that begin the paragraphs. Choose the main realization and make it your thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a story from your life, high school" - University of Washington essay [6]

Well, if you decide to post it, we will do our best to help. Whether you post or not, there is always a danger someone is going to steal your stuff. Anyway, if you post it here it will have your name next to it in the post. If you don't want to post something, I don't blame you, but if you do decide to post a new essay please start a new thread! :-)

Undergraduate / Career Essay (goals / objectives) for MMgt programme [3]

Well, it has to start with your unique vision for the future.

If you are sincere about it, you must have some goals. Maybe you have goals that are aligned with your current interests, but you intend to be successful and contribute meaningfully to an organization. Maybe you feel strongly about benefiting a particular nation or contributing to your field.

Think honestly about it and decide what you want to do to make your career meaningful.

Your task is to prove to them that you have a vision for the future and that you chose their program because it fits your plan.

Essays / 2 short story to teach - i want answer in 2000 words. [5]

You can't just post your course work here and expect other people to complete it! But if you try, we can help and give feedback.

Which would you assign if you had to choose one right now. Have you read them? There are translations available of each if you have a language barrier.

Also, it depends on the group of students you are teaching. Maybe one story would be better for them than the other.

Thanks for joining essayforum! Please continue participating. Put more effort into this thread so we can discuss it with you.

:-)

Graduate / I want to become a Physician Assistant to provide excellent healthcare for my patients [5]

Being a physician for more than seven years taught me how caring about patients can change the preceptivity perspective on life in a dramatic way. -- I made a change here based on my own ideas. I don't think preceptivity is a real word. Also, I don't think dramatically rich is a good term. Just say "rich" or "dramatic" or "drastic."

I don't understand why you are trying to be a physician assistant if you are already a physician...

verb tense...came to the conclusion that Tom had advanced pancreatic cancer with metastasis to Esophagus and liver.

After several meetings with group of surgeons and radiologists, we came across a palliative surgery without any chance to cure the cancer.

Several supportive and professional meetings were held to educate Tom about the fact that surgery will just suppress the symptoms for a short period of time. Tom started losing ...

After surgery he start regained 45 pounds of weight that he had lost over several weeks.

Thank you in advance for giving me this opportunity to present my dream goal! express my interest in your excellent program.

Writing Feedback / sharp evolution in human history;Internet provides a lot of valuable information [7]

The Internet represents a sharp increase in humanity's intellectual evolution, making profound impacts on each individual's daily life and especially connecting the whole world and expanding the huge knowledge cultures and continents. The attempts in process of bringing the Internet to ...

With the Internet, I could save ...

And Google is a dominating, huge man, freeing empowering you day by day, week by week, and freeing you from the need to wander around bookstores and libraries to look for the rare documents or sources.

They make it possible for more information to be stored and more people can access it.

To sum up, the Internet has now been...

Graduate / Why MBA and why from Wharton (a leader in global business): Software Engineer [5]

It will be a good idea to mention some of these words in the essay. ""a truly global presence through its engagement in the world"...

Just mention it once to make a connection, but end the first paragraph with a sentence that clearly tells what you are all about.

What is important to you?

Organization is not an issue when something is truly inspired. If you get focused on what you sincerely are passionate about -- even if it seems unrelated to your field -- you can write an intro paragraph that is full of energy and the ends with a sentence that will burn its mark in the reader's mind.

Writing Feedback / As the light begins to dim, Faith. [9]

If you can experience it as something on a 3d screen, you can concentrate on the energy centers where people meditate. Kundalini Yoga is about the chakras, and Taoist meditation is about the "elixer fields"... when we stop getting caught up in the light show on the screen, we can concentrate on soft, long inhalations and loose lungs, penetrating relaxation and a fire in the abdomen, energizing us. Get disillusioned about the show on the screen, and it is possible to keep the attention fixed on those energy centers.

For many people, the practice of meditation is the solution to existential problems. Swallow, and follow the saliva down to the fire in the abdomen, and the limbs relax as all energy condenses at that centerline. Long inhalations, and you drink the energy in.

When energy is abundant, everything is blissful. That's why we feel tense when we are cold and relaxed when warm (heat is energy). And that is why a hand massaging a shoulder causes deep relaxation (adds energy). So, we feel great when we have enough energy, and the first step is to stop letting the attention get taken away by the images on that 3d screen!!! :-)

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

Well, there is a fundamental difference between them. You discover something that naturally exists. You invent something new, something you put together. So, I think the important difference is that an invention is human-made and a discovery is natural.

Undergraduate / 'Aspirations Never Die' - Statement of Purpose for PhD in computer Networking [10]

Don't capitalize these words:
Aspirations never die!

I am recently in the final year of the graduate program, graduating in October, 2010 in Electrical Engineering program with emphasis on Internet Systems from Blekinge Institute of Technology, Sweden.

I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Let it be a thesis statement that tells the central meaning of the whole essay. This will be the most important sentence.

In early age, I realized I had

In At an early age, I realized I had...

The best thing to do is add a theme to make this memorable. You are "all business." I would like to have another sentence added the the end of the first paragraph (as I described above), and I hope you'll think about it from a reader's perspective. You can write this is a way that gets the reader feeling excited about her own future, too! You can end the first paragraph with an interesting theme that makes the reader's mind able to really commit you to memory.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Comparison of two cars [10]

An example of a thesis... let me think of a magic word.

Okay, for the essay you wrote, I might write a thesis like this:
The argument about the superiority of the Sloda can be misleading, because each of the author's three points is contingent of certain circumstances.

The operative phrase is that "each point is contingent." I notice that your essay shows that each point the author makes is only true under some circumstances but not others. That is what contingency is. That's why I would use contingency as the THEME I give at the end of the first paragraph.

Use a magic word to burn your mark on the reader's mind. First there was the word, and the word was, etc. ... give a good word to capture the meaning, and it will be powerful communication. That is true in spoken and written communication. So, in your essay, the magic word might be contingent, and in this little blurb I am writing, the magic word is "magic word."

The magic word is what the reader will remember.

Writing Feedback / "Welcome to the good life" - Compare and Contrast Essay (Rich vs Poor) [5]

The person you are in one's eyes defines if you are high class or low. -- I think you should write "in the eyes of others."

...

I'm very impressed by the writing! I can tell you found some great inspiration.

I think it's important to divide that first paragraph into 2 paragraphs. At the end of the first one, state your thesis clearly, and then end the paragraph. That way the reader won't feel confused.

Surprisingly the both have the same outlook in life, and this might be the reason why the gap between

I like the conclusion.

Undergraduate / Short term and long term goals for ISB student [2]

I had to move this essay to its own thread. :-) Please start a new thread for every essay.

This is very good writing! I know what it needs: forging.

Like forging a sword, you can make this stronger and stronger by compressing each paragraph into a sentence or two.

I challenge you to shorten the first paragraph into 2 sentences, and put it with the this part: Having worked on the processes side in various industries, such as Insurance, Banking, Healthcare, Auto, Communication and Entertainment, Industrial domain, and Insurance brokerage I would also take the opportunity at ISB to learn about specific industry in detail.

Make it one strong paragraph full of information.

Try to shorten the rest, too:

My long term goal is to one day achieve the highest position, in a company, so as ...---- not specific enough.
... making business generating decisions at institution-wide level and drafting Corporate and Business Strategies, critical towards the success of any organization. --- not specific enough.
--- this paragraph is very general. Slash it from the essay to make room for something that will interest the reader... tell the reader a story about something; intrigue the reader. Write about your recent insights about business and why it is meaningful. Be philosophical, make predictions, and share a vision.

During my ISB stint I will learn from real life examples about setting up companies, case studies on marketing--- this part is very good! Very good detail. Consider using this as the first paragraph rather than the last.

Undergraduate / Signif. Experience: Braces-UF application-suggestions? [5]

This is very good writing. You are not using this essay to its full potential, though. You can reflect on this experience and find symbolic significance, talk about how it foreshadowed events of your future, or talk about what it taught you about yourself.

What is the significance of this experience? It answers their question, but how can you use this to demonstrate your outlook on life?

Essays / Topic Outline and Thesis Statement Guide for Capital Punishment. [11]

Hi Raven, one good strategy is to find 5 articles and write a paragraph about each. Then, for each paragraph, name a section of the outline. That way, the outline will be based on the articles.

This strategy makes it very easy!

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Comparison of two cars [10]


When you do your thesis statement at the end of that first paragraph, try this strategy:
Ask yourself, "If I wanted to express the meaning of the whole essay in a single sentence, what would that sentence say?"

End the first paragraph with a sentence that contains the essence of the essay, the DNA. It has to be a sentence that contains whatever particular truth makes the essay unique. Try to explain yourself fully in that one sentence, and then use the rest of the essay to clarify that assertion.

Undergraduate / High School Chess Championships: A winner [10]


I like this part a lot.

you did a great job of building some tension with mystery in the beginning... also, great description, though if that first paragraph is intended to draw a reader into a scene some more sensory words might make it better.


This is a little too harsh, like maybe you are too competitive or neurotic. Maybe you should use a word other than incompetence. How about: frustrated with my own flawed performance.

Chess is not about winning or losing; it's about learning.--- this might be true! It is good training for day to day life. If you can play chess as an exercise in methodical thinking, it will not matter whether you win or not. That is a good thought.

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]

I guess I have that with Spanish. I really like the progress I have made, and I like some experiences I had where I could communicate with people who spoke no English. When I try to speak Spanish, though.. ha ha, I think I only know about 50 words.. :-)

Writing Feedback / Winners And Losers - & Help [4]


This is okay, but it could be better. You could make it very unique and not so cliche. It seems like saying,"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game."

You can say this same thing in a way that reflects your personality. You can use a metaphor. Give me an example from your own life so I can know what you mean about keeping a winning attitude.

Winners think; losers accept.
This is what I say: "Losers think, and winners accept!" :-)

It is said that making mistakes plays an important part in nurturing young talents. I believe that the statement is only half correct. Making mistakes...excel in the future...--- this part is excellent!!

Undergraduate / UCF Admission Essay...[What qualities do I possess...] [14]

Growing up I've never felt like I was placed into belonged in any particular category. or group. I've always stood out amongst others as long as I can remember because of my _____ and my ______ _________. When I ask my parents to give me one word that would describe me, They they would say "unique," and I couldn't agree with them more.

(start a new paragraph).
I was never one to judge someone by the way they looked on the outside and enjoyed learning about people's backgrounds . I was always fascinated ...

... by becoming part of the UCF community I would show people that its not about whats on the outside, but whats on the inside... No... this is a cliche, and it is not worthy of your essay. Your essay deserves something very memorable. Use the word unique again at the end so that the essay puts forth a single, recognizable theme. Give examples of not fitting into groups. Talk about how your uniqueness caused adversity... or opportunity. Talk about how those experiences helped determine what you want to learn about in college.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Favorite Word and why-Rate/give advice for my college essay [4]

Also, one should use the least as few vowels as possible. --- this is a tough sentence to get right! It is hard to use the word few correctly...

One word that fits all of these parameters is the word "quirky". (add a sentence about this word being your favorite word, and then end paragraph.)

Paragraph 2:
Quirky is a great word to use when playing hangman.The order in which people usually guess vowels is the same order in which ... many reasons why this word is one of my favorite words.

(new paragraph)
To add on to that, the word "quirky" is worth a minimum of 72 points when played in the game Scrabble--- you are funny. You choose your favorite words based on games you play? That is cool...

Writing Feedback / The main purpose of art is not to teach, but to show [3]

Despite the fact that there are many various purposes of art, which includes include entertainment, expression, and exhibition, the basic purpose of art is to exhibit; thus the basic purpose of art is not to teach, but to show.

This is a good place to use a semi-colon like I did above.

Maybe what is lacking is a discussion of the difference between what it means to teach and what it means to show.

Art does express, but when I express something I am showing something.
When I teach, I show something. However, teaching often involves explanation. Art needs no explanation. Art is showing something, sharing an experience.

Graduate / "to get the highest possible grades in my class" - Awards and Honors essay [3]

...list below your outside interests that are not directly related to your university degree.-- do they really want just a list? That is strange. It seems that they want a short essay, not just a list.

Start with a theme. Make the them an area of interest that includes your area of study. If your chosen major is biology, describe other interests related to science. If your major is psychology, describe your interests in other types of social science, activism, perhaps alternative medicine... show that your interests all have a common underlying principle.

For the essay you wrote: I think you could make it better by writing a little about the subjects you studied and the insights you gained. At the end of the essay, write one more time about the several steps you took in your methodical process toward success.

:-)