Scholarship / Leadership (Gates Millenium) [4]




-------- It's better if you say something about this girl... I mean that she deseing case or something to impress the reader that this event had a positive impact on her life

You have good writing skills.... These are just my suggestions :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl ibt :Salary increases and promotions to new positions are not the only ways to [2]

It is unquestionable that salary increases and promotions to new positionsare very common ways to reward employees for their good work. Besides these methods,from rmy point of viewI believe that providing them with professional training can be effective in encouraging further good work. My arguments for this point are listed follows .

Recognition is a very important motivator for the employees. There are some employees who are not bothered about cash benefits, but be motivated by being recognized for their work.

Writing Feedback / Students should value their present time and use it right so that they will never regret later. [3]



My suggestion;In college life, students get the opportunity to take part in many sports activities such as swimming, tennis, chemistry and trekking.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - give us your view about engertainment and educative museums . [3]


nowadays is in present. Therefore the verb should be in present tense.


You have several grammar issues here. Try to write shorter sentences until you become very confident with grammer. Also limit one idea to one sentence. Dont have irrelevant ideas in between (see the part in bold which does not contribute to your other ideas). Also state your opinion in the introduction.

This is my suggestion for your introduction;

Some museums today are more focussed on providing entertainment to the visitors. While some people approve this trend, others believe that the main purpose of the museums, which is education, is lost when they try to entertain visitors. In my view, the museums need to educate people in an enjoyable manner.

Undergraduate / Certainty is what matters. stanford essay. [7]



:D ... This is you KhanhZ and always... I remember commenting on your earlier essay and that too represented your unorthodox writing style. Sometimes you sound a bit too arrogant, but I like it. :)



Here, I think you should pay attention to what Jennifer says. I'm also not in favor for what she has highlighted :)

Great writing anyway :)

Undergraduate / UNC Supplement - "The Vaccine" [6]

exactly ..:)
try to establish it with the same beautiful effect :)

Undergraduate / UC prompt#1; I loathed going to the doctors, fearing they would harm me [3]


Well.... I think your answer is not very much aligned with what is expected by the prompt. It is asking for your background that shaped your dreams and aspirations. Here, you need to talk about contribution by your environment (it could be your family, friends, community, country, society ...) towards your dreams and aspirations.

In my view, what you have written is one incident that influenced you to take up a medical profession. But, it is not the world that you come from.

e.g.You grew up in a community where there were a dire need for medical assistance; You come from a family of doctors who inspired your passion for becoming a medical profession

Hope you got my poing :)

Scholarship / Should parents be made by law to immunize their children ?-- My IELTS writing [7]


You write well and also have very good ideas and points. However, I would recommend the following essay structure for this type of task.

Read some good essays posted to this forum on IELTS and TOEFL. They will help you pick points for general IELTS topics as well as align your essay structure with what such examination tasks expect :)

Undergraduate / UNC Supplement - "The Vaccine" [6]


What I meant was that you have presented your ideas beutifully in the bolded section. That part is very impressive. However, as a reader I find that the rest fail to give the same punch. And I feel it is because you try to bring an alignment to your prompt which asks you about the problem that you need to find solutions. :)

Undergraduate / UNC Supplement - "The Vaccine" [6]



---- your idea flows beautifully up to " childhood ambition". However, this flow is disturbed by your attempt of using the words, "problem, solution" in order to align what you say with your prompt. :)

Writing Feedback / Paid work in children - My discussion essay written following writing task 2 IELTS [4]

Hi Tu, You got a quick response because my eyes caught essay as I logged in ... :D

Scholarship / Should parents be made by law to immunize their children ?-- My IELTS writing [7]


Very good introduction. Good points, good vocabulary and well presented

Writing Feedback / Paid work in children - My discussion essay written following writing task 2 IELTS [4]



This sentence has no grammar issues. However, I feel it does not add much value to your introduction since the reader already knows you are going to discuss on this topic in coming paras. In my view, it is better you state your opinion , whether you agree/disagree/ moderate stance, instead of making this type of statement so that the reader would be navigated to your desired direction.

Writing Feedback / Parents have a greater influence on their children's; "parents training courses" [4]


Impressive beggining :)



I think Gagandeep has a good point. These tasks are very challenging when it comes to time managment. So you need to practise as to meet exam requirments. My advice is to limit your essays to maximum 4-5 para essays. (Introduction + 2/3 body paras+ conclusion)

Essays / My short, long and personal goals I have. [7]


If that is so, by saying " the goals I have accomplished over the years" misleads the reader. That's why I got confused whether you are asked to tell how your past goals have been achieved. Better present the above sentence differently.

Writing Feedback / Museum; see things in reality and feel their texture - it's unforgettable moment [4]


very impressively presented :)

Undergraduate / Engineering is where my passion lies; MECHANICAL ENGINEERING [4]


My suggestion;
I am Gao Wen, a student at NTU who is majoring in Mechanical Engineering.

Essays / My short, long and personal goals I have. [7]

Can you post the prompt? So that we can see whether your answer is well aligned with it. Is it about the goals that you have already achieved or your future goals?

Undergraduate / Babson Roommate essay: tip of the iceberg [2]


I suggest;My family and close friends call me xxxxx.



.... what do you mean by this? tell how it can help you sharing with your mate with an example


well... I'd love to be your room mate....lol

Writing Feedback / In general all communicating media are important and have their own advantages [2]


:D .... interesting start!


The above sentence is too long and the part in bold sounds confusing. Better you break it at the point I indicated and start a fresh sentence to say that books comes next. :)

Essays / A WRITE UP FROM A HEAD BOY OF THE SCHOOL - how to start? [6]


First congratulations!! However, Stephenie is absolutely right.... This forum is there to help each other for improving writing. So you've got to do your homework and write an essay. We will surely help you.

First ask yourself how you feel about your achievement. Jod them down in point form and organize them in a logical manner. Then start writing your essay having each point in one para. You can also try Amit's advice for finding more points.

We are all awaiting for your essay :)

Writing Feedback / IBT essay.. What do you do for good health? [4]


You are truly an exemplary youth dear Amitt ;) ... I wish all our young people would follow you without craving for all types of fasionable junk food. :)


----- this is a super start :)


I find two issues with this ; first, I dont agree that one cannot regain a good health. It's true that maintaining a good health is the best for someone and also it is the easier way to stay healthy. However, there have been instances that even paralized people have made a come back and been very healthy for rest of their lives. (Good health basically depends on one's determination and interest and people can turn everyday an opportunity for them to be healthy :) ). But it does not mean that once your health deriorates it is the end of everything and there is no way for recovery.... Hope you got my argument.

Also, the sentence in bold is not written to give the same punch that your opening sentences do give to the reader. :)

Anyway... you write well....keep it up and wish you good luck! :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT integrated writing - Whether folic acids should be added in flour? [4]

You are Welcome Lin... It's better to practice skim reading and noting down facts in a manner only you would understand (something like short-hand) .... Why I say so because you really have to struggle with time for this. But if you practice it well, you should be able manage time very cleverly. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities [4]


yes ... I'm with Ahmad.... you need to lenghten your introductory para. Also dont forget to state your opinion too.


Sounds a bit repetitive :D

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools are no longer needed? [9]

...Yes.... that's a lot of money for people in our part of the world... I agree dear :D

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools are no longer needed? [9]

Yes Amit... that provides an easy approach.
But you can also take a moderate stance and dedicate the first para for reason +example of one side of the argument. The second para for the reason+example of the other side of the argument. In the conclusion you can sum up and give a moderate conclusion. ...:)

See.... in this world, there's nothing impossible :D ....lol

Undergraduate / Science students don't write - Stanford's essay [7]


yehhh.... this piece of writing proves it :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools are no longer needed? [9]


In my view, and the inferences I recieved from various sources that dealt with TOEFL and IELTS writing, I feel this is fine and the writer can take a moderate stance on the debated theme. However the marks are given on the structure, logical reasons and how they are supported. Therefore, whatever the opinion the writer holds, he should mention it in the introduction. In this essay, layao1690 states,

As far as I am concerned, despite all the merits of online learning, schools are always indispensable.

This statement makes the reader believe that schools are favored over online learning. However, he comes out with a different conclusion by saying a combination of both works better. In that case he should have stated in the introduction itself aligning reader's mindset with that direction.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT integrated writing - Whether folic acids should be added in flour? [4]




Do not repeat that speaker's disagreement in every para. Try to show it with the points that you pick in both the reading passage and the audio run. This is how I tackled this task;

1. I jodded down quicky the main points in the reading para
2. Then when they ran the audio, I picked the points that either supports or controdicts in the reading section. (dont write the full sentences, but make some remark so that they would remind you the facts while you are writing)

3. When writing the integrated task, I first stated what the whole theme is about (very briefly). Then stated the response of the lecturer to the reading passage ( in agreement or not). Then I dedicated one para for each main point in the reading. First briefly expressed the point and then said how it is either controdicted or supported with the examples by the lecturer.

Hope this would help :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools are no longer needed? [9]



A good introduction. :)


In the previous sentence you said that we cannot deny the merits of online learning. So this sentence sounds a bit repetitive when you again stress the fact of we have to admit and so on... Say this differently;

By accessing Web students can find more convenient, efficient and economical solutions for their educational needs.

Undergraduate / I love being a nurse...Personal Statement for Nurse Practitioner Program [2]

Writing Feedback / ESSAY: Is life better in a city or in a small town? [6]


I did this change in view of highlighting the contrast because the topic expects you to contarst the two extremes.



Your conclusion sounds somewhat controversial. In the beggining of your essay, you support the living in a small town and you conclude your essay by indicating your preference for living in a big city. If you change the order of the two sentences, then it may sound more logical :)You have written a simple, but very interesting essay. Good grammer, vocabulary and of course very good presentation :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Should government intervene with individual's family planning rights? [5]

In my opinion, you should provide the reasons for holding your opinion in your body paras.

So, in your first body para, tell one reason and support it with an example. Second body para should contain the second reason and the supporting example or evidence.

Hope this would help you :)

Writing Feedback / 'choosing big cities is wise' - Do you prefer big cities or small towns, to live in? [5]


---------- heheheeeeeeee .... this is really interesting.... you guys talk in Farsi in an English forum... so, may be this forum helps us get a hang on Farsi too :D ....lol ... I like it :)


This sounds like you are directly answering the question. I dont say it is incorrect or improper. However, I feel it is better if you can quickly grasp the reader's attention. For that you need to begin your essay with a strong and catchy statement to impress the reader. This type of beggining may not help you in that sense. Why not try to start with a more creative sentence that introduces the topic to your reader?

Living in a big city has both advantages and disadvantages in contrast to living in a small town. While the facilities that a big city offers are much superior, its environmental conditions are much inferior compared to a small city.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Agree or Disagree: There really are no better teachers than parents [3]

Hi Monir,

Here's my help for you dear friend :)


-------------- I find this sentence is a bit too long. Lengthy sentences disturb your ideas to flow in a logical manner and makes the reader exhausted on trying to memorize things. So try to avoid writing very lengthy statements. Also both these sentences mean the same. i.e. the parents are the best teachers. You say "but others believe that " and the reader gets confused when you say " there are no other equally deserving precious guides like parents". This error may have occured since you wrote a very long sentence. So break your sentences at proper intervals so that you would not be distracted.

When faced with the statement of asked whether parents are the best teachers in one's life or not, quite a few would not cast doubt on it. (make a full stop here ) butHowever, others believe that (no comma here ) during one's lifetime, there are no other equally deserving preciousbetter guides like parents, and that is also my pointwhat I believe too.

You are good at writing. You display a good knowledge on vocabulary too. :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT - Do televisions or movies infuence our behavior? [6]


Well... I know one website that helps TOEFL tasks, but I cannot give the link here because it violates the forum rules. If you could give a personal e-mail address, I can give you the link :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is school too academic? [5]


You have taken a good entrance to your essay. However, in my feeling, your introduction sounds better without the quoted sentence. Reader knows you are going to explain why you think so and there's no need to state it. It disturbs the smooth flow of your essay :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] different preferences of leisure activities [15]



---------- there may be unfortunate working people too who cannot find such time even if they want to :P

Writing Feedback / 'Finance equally' - [IELTS] Prevention is better than cure? [5]



I think prevention is the most suitable word here that goes with health issues better. Preemptive too means taking action against something possible, but it is not often used on health topics. It's mostly used with issues relating to war, authority, business etc. :)This is my view and hope to hear the ideas of others too :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT - Having a teacher or studying along? [3]


... great; lovely :)



I like your independent style of writing.... You present your ideas very creatively. As for your question whether you should use a simple language or more advanced vocabulary, I'm of the opinion that it doesn't matter which way you adopt as long as your essay contains clarity, good ideas and logical reasoning. Displaying that you have a good vocabulary would certainly helps you earn marks, but you need to preserve the clarity of your sentences.

Good Job!