Undergraduate / Virtual reality and video games - Duke Pratt engineering essay [13]

Mubtasim,here is the new set of keywords that I believe your response should focus on so you should elaborate on it further:

wetware that implements direct brain-to-computer interactions

That sounds like a fantastic reason to specialize in software engineering if I ever heard of one :-) Relate that thought directly to DIVE and I think your response will finally fall into place ;-)

As for your concerns about the plagiarism checker of the universities, you should not worry about it because even if the essay appears in their check, the reference to your real name on this website will show that you did not plagiarize the response or essay. Do not mention that you got help in developing your essays here because that will not help your application. Normally, the universities would like to think that the students work on the essays on their own. Don't spoil that idea. Even though they may be conscious of the fact that you sought and got help in writing your response, it is always best not to mention it as you never know how it will affect your application. If you are really worried about it though, then contact the admin of EF and ask them about how you can delete your essays from the server before you submit your application but after you have polished the essay with our help first :-)

Writing Feedback / Because of mobile phones and computers people are losing the ability to communicate face to face [2]

Thi, I hate to tell you this but I would not score this essay more than a 3 in the writing task. Your essay does not clearly represent the requirements of the prompt, you do not present a clear agreement or disagreement within the introduction, and most specially, you did not really properly discuss the prompt requirements. I know that this is just a practice test so you are allowed to make mistakes. Hopefully, you will begin to improve starting with your next essay. Always make sure that you understand the prompt and what it requires you to discuss or represent in the first paragraph in order to make sure that you have a chance at a better score.

The main problem with your discussion is that you decided to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of technology in terms of communication rather than clearly presenting the fact that technology either makes people lose the ability to communicate in person, or it enhances it. From the looks of it, due to the existence of Skype, FB Messenger, and other video conferencing devices, I would say that your discussion is flawed and irrelevant because the technology enhances our ability to have face to face communication.

Graduate / "Continue and advance my academic career in research and innovation" SOP- PhD in Public Management [2]

Thank you for the compliment Ivan, it is highly appreciated :-) As far as I can tell, this SOP is right on track and contains enough information about your background as a researcher plus your current experience in the field. Right now, the essay already seems well covered and can already stand alone as a statement of purpose with some major editing. So I am wondering about why you are still looking to add 200 - 300 words to it. You have already represented your academic background, professional career, and future plans as a researcher. Is there something in the SOP requirement of the university that you need to reflect in the essay? Hence the additional information that you feel you need to add? If you have a set of guide questions from the university regarding the content of the SOP, please provide it so that I can review the essay accordingly :-)

That said, there is a portion in this essay that I believe can be omitted for now since the SOP does not require the information;

In terms of methods, I tend to approach my research questions using experimental design, surveys and quantitative content analysis. will also conduct a systematic literature review and, if possible, meta-analysis.

- This is not necessary at this point since the SOP only requires an overview of your future research work. This creates a detailed description that is not required because it complicates the content of your SOP and deviates from the actual purpose of your study. A simple summary, just to show that you have plans for your dissertation will suffice at the moment.

As for the mention of Prof. XXX, while I realize that he is quite known in the field, you should only mention him in relation to you as a student or his assistant. Rather than saying Prof. XXX and I, you should be clearly indicating your role in the research by saying that "I assisted Prof. XXX in the research and development of..." (for example). Remember, Prof. XXX may be a well known name but he is not the applicant here so the statements should always highlight your contribution to the work of his team.

I believe that I can make a more in-depth analysis of your essay and how it can be better improved or edited once you have added the 200-300 words. It is never a good idea to edit a partial essay because the additional information will always alter the total content of the essay. I hope that I can review the complete text at the soonest possible time :-) This is all I have to say and suggest at the moment.

Scholarship / Balance and organization: two necessary precepts for me - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [3]

Okay, the content of your essay does not really present any relevant purpose for your desire to be awarded a scholarship. Time management seems to have become a problem for you during your early academic life but that is not enough of a reason for a scholarship. The reference to your improved GPA does not really offer a compelling reason for you to become a scholarship awardee since there is no real, acceptable reason for you to desire a scholarship.

What you can do is revise the essay to show instead that you are a self-supporting student who had to take on multiple jobs while juggling your studies on the side. Working students normally find themselves awarded with scholarships because they need to lessen the need to work in order to get better grades. So you can open that door to the discussion instead.

You can opt to explain that your mother came here with the hopes of giving you a better future and, while she had supported your college classes as best as she could, the current finances of your family will no longer allow her to do so and while you have a job, you will not be earning enough to continue with your studies unless you get a scholarship.

Those are just some of my suggested reasons that are often considered compelling enough to win you a scholarship. There may be other reasons as well such as your health preventing you from working but you still desiring to continue your studies, etc. Try to come up with a reason that will tug at the heartstrings of the scholarship committee but make sure that you can justify it should they call you in for a formal interview.

Undergraduate / Virtual reality and video games - Duke Pratt engineering essay [13]

We need to focus the first part of your response on the reasons why you chose software engineering. You explained how you became interested, but not why you decided to focus on this particular major. So, without revising any other part of the essay at this point, I want you add that particular reason to this essay. Maybe the reason lies in your wishing to create the ultimate game software that challenges the person in a physical level in the way that a combination of the Microsoft Kinect software and Oculus VR glasses will revolutionize the way that people not only play games, but also keep fit.

The latter part of your essay is already good enough. So don't change it. Altering it might make something good bad in the end so don't touch it. Don't think about the word count either. I want to see what you can come up with and then I will step in with a quick editing job that will take care of the other problems in the paper :-) I hope that will work for you.

Undergraduate / Leadership, service and progress - The motto of Georgia Tech. [12]

Hey Logesh, then why don't you make your service sound like a service to the intellectual side of the community instead? Explain how your club goes to the "under serviced" communities to show them how a good education can lead the young minds towards inventions and innovations that can change the world in the future?

If you make your service sound inspirational, then the point of view of your act becomes positive with a strong impact, which is what we are going for here. The university is looking for students who can graduate from their university and become notable alumnus as future community or world leaders.

Your contribution does not need to be life altering or world changing. It just has to be a service that can serve as an inspiration to others in a world that seems to lack in inspirational characters at the moment. That is already a form of service in itself.

Undergraduate / I don't know what to study but won't worry - Boston Uni. can offer me some interdisciplinary courses [4]

Zhang, I revised your essay to make it better suited to the prompt. It came out to 222 words. Your choices are, to either use this version of your response that I developed for you, or use it as a template for your own revision. Either way, I will continue to assist you until we get this right :-)

Having spent the first sixteen years of my life in Beijing, and never far from any major city or town, I am looking for a college or university where I can feel like I still have the guidance of my parents and the comforts of home. I feel like I have found that potential place to call home at BU.

Liked I said, I have never been without guidance all my life and even then, I have not been able to settle on a college major yet. That is why I am thankful to have found the College of General Study at your university. With the helpf of the career counselors and my professors, I can take as many general courses over 2 years as I need to and introduce myself to various career paths during the course of my study with hopefully, one elective course helping me to finally discover who I want to be in the future.

Other colleges do not have the patience to guide students who are still trying to find their future. They want students like me to have made a major decision in life by the time I go to college, even though I am barely sure of who I am and want to be at that point. That is what set BU apart for me and that is why I wish to attend your university.

Undergraduate / "Organized chaos" - Stanford mini essay 250 words: Future roommate [3]

Hi Joe :-) Your letter makes me believe that your life with your roommate can be the subject of a comedy reality show :-D Good work. It is sure to make your roommate feel at ease and most likely, create a best friend for life for both of you. That is always the aim of these kinds of letters, to make sure that you place each other at ease mentally, prior to your actual move in. You accomplished just that in this letter, but it can use a little polish just to make sure ;-)

Organized chaos is THE definition of my room. One moment you'll see books scattered randomly on a table, the NEXT, A blanket WILL BE hanging off the bed like a curtain. But the next, THEN, THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN you'll wonder whether room service paid our room a surprise visit. It will be spic and spam.

One moment I will be I HAVE A TENDENCY TO BE engrossed in the implications and applications of what I have learned.BUT WITH LEARNING COMES A BREAK, SO EXPECT ME TO will be asking u YOU (ALWAYS SPELL OUT AND COMPLETE YOUR WORDS AND SENTENCES. YOU ARE NOT POSTING TO A SOCIAL MEDIA SITE.) ASK YOU ABOUT which of life's mysteries we should ponder over a bag of crisps, or which YouTube video we must lampoon over . But no NO matter what kind of situation arises, I will be the guy with the goofy smile. I try to find enjoyment in whatever I do. And , AND that includes side splitting pranks. Don't be surprised if you get a 'genuine' Valentine's Day candy gram from you crush. 9NO NEED OT CLUE IN YOUR ROOMMATE, WHY SPOIL THE SURPRISE?)

But don'tget me wrong- when WHEN it comes to food, I am a perfectionist. SO You YOU shouldn't be surprised to see me mixing dozens of powders in my bolognaise to get just that right taste. If something just doesn't tantalize my taste buds, I won't be afraid to make it known. SO BE PREPARED FOR A CULINARY JOURNEY DURING THE SEMESTER. REST ASSURED NEITHER OF US WILL EVER LACK FOR FOOD, I'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.

One thing I don't discern over is ARE personalities and preferences. No matter how contrasting our views are, I'm sure we will find a way to maintain an atmosphere that is as conducive to working AND FRIENDSHIP IN AN as it is ecstatic and intriguing WAY. What is it that provokes your curiosity? What kind of character are you?

Undergraduate / Leadership, service and progress - The motto of Georgia Tech. [12]

Logesh, it would be better if you did not use the word hell in the essay. It doesn't really add substance to the sentence that you wrote, neither does it progress the content of the essay. So, since you have a word limit, use the space for some other important word instead. It is just out of place in the essay.

As for the content, you managed to reflect leadership, progress and service in the essay in an impressive manner. Although, I am of the opinion that when it comes to the service part, you still have room to improve the paragraph. Don't just limit your service description in that part to what you did as a member of the group, think bigger. Think about what the engineering projects that you presented to the people in terms of service. For example, can the robot you built help to bring safe drinking water to remote areas? Can it deliver basic goods and supplies similar to the way advanced drones can? Maybe it offers a way of rescuing people in earthquake shattered areas? Think of how your inventions can be of actual service to a community or the world. That is the kind of immersion activity that will impress the reviewer.

The overall essay is strong, save for the part that I suggest you improve. There are grammatical errors and sentence problems that needs to be dealt with as well. However, I am suggesting that you make an important addition to your essay so I do not want to edit anything until you have done that. Adding the information could change the whole content and flow of the essay so it is best not to edit the problems right from the start.

Writing Feedback / Global warming has an impact on world stability. How to reduce carbon footprint? [2]

Furkan, I wish that you had provided us with the actual prompt you are trying to answer along with the opinion essay that you wrote. We need the prompt to make sure that you are accurately and properly responding to the prompt and delivering all of the required elements. If you are missing an element, that will have a significant impact on your final score in an actual test.

That said, the essay that you wrote shows a keen analytical ability, a familiarity with the topic, and the capacity to discuss the subject matter in a method that is easily understood using moderately complicated English vocabulary words. So, even without the prompt, I can safely say that you would get a pretty good score on this essay had it been in an actual test format. The only bothersome part of your essay is the way tha tyou are constantly inserting question marks in parenthesis. If you are not sure of a term, then don't use it. Find another word to use. Make proper use of a dictionary while you are still practicing your essays in order to familiarize yourself with word usage.

Graduate / Review required of the essay for CMU MISM one year track application [2]

Pallavi, I could not find anything to correct content wise in your essay so I just polished it by tightening the content and correcting sentence problems. By doing that, I was able to bring the word count down to 787. That is not a bad thing, the shorter but complete the information in the essay, the better the chance that the reviewer will actually finish reviewing your information :-) Here is the edited essay:

During my six years of college education, I strengthened my knowledge in different areas. Being a consistent performer throughout, I graduated from my undergraduate degree with distinction. Having a penchant for software development, I was always inclined to acquire practical experience by developing projects rather than getting acquainted with theoretical knowledge.

I bagged an internship with NIC, Chandigarh. I worked on the project NRHM, Government of India and analysed facts on Infant-Maternal Mortality Rate, and developed a Tracking System to automate the process. The project didn't just give me a LIVE government project experience but also a chance to work with ASHA group. With ASHA, I worked on the upliftment of health in rural India.

As a part of an Airline Domain project, I worked on a multi-billion Airline MRO application. Due to my excellent performance, I was given an opportunity to work at the client location in Australia with 2 years of experience at the company. Working in a cross-cultural environment helped me develop skills related to crisis management.

For my commitment and work excellence, I was awarded the 7 'On-The-Spot' awards.

Though developed in Java EJB, Web-Services and Oracle Databas, I bolstered my Database Concepts and acquired Oracle SQL Expert Certification. I also explored Business Reporting & Analytics tools and developed Business Reports in SAP Crystal-Reports, and JasperReports. I was promoted to System Engineer because of my accomplishments.

Along with the technical work, I am also involved in Project Estimation and Analysis. Stepping forward in IT Management; I started working in Change and Service Management. I successfully gained an ITIL V3 Foundation Certificate , acquainting myself with IT Management processes. Utilizing my team, I improved the efficiency of the processes by 70% with better Service Transition and Operation.

My success with Application Development and Business Reporting earned me a project called SMP. The project gave me a rich experience in Business Objects where I automated critical Business reports. The project improved the efficiency of the existing processes by 80%, automating all the manual Service Management work.

Having spent 3 years thriving in a competitive...

After completing the MISM program at Heinz ...

The knowledge and experience gained in ...
Hence, MISM program at Heinz College is ...
I am also interested in Heinz College due to ...

Having experience in 'Travel-Transportation-Hospitality' ...

To summarize, the MISM program would not only ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK2 internet contains information however sometimes this information is inaccurate or wrong [3]

The latter part of your essay that mentions the online news and magazine sites that have questionable content could have used some publication names in order to gain credibility as a statement. You could have mentioned the National Enquirer or Star magazine, both tabloids that are widely perceived to be publishing false information, which is why these sites and magazines are often sued.

In conclusion, substantial amount of information in internet is more likely to be deceiving and not authentic, resulted in searching for celebrity and finance.

Writing Feedback / The skills that we can improve from Facebook [8]

Not a bad revision Kurnia. However, it can be better. Let me clean up the grammar for you below:

Facebook is one of THE media social MEDIA CHANNELS where the users can connect with other people in the world. They use Facebook because it is not only for ALLOWS PEOPLE TO CONNECT WITH OTHERS connecting with other people , but IT also can be a media of MEDIUM FOR learning English. Facebook can help to improve the English skills of English second LANGUAGE learnerS. There are three skills that we ESL LEARNERS can improve from BY USING Facebook.

Your intention and message is actually detectable in your introduction. However, it is not presented in an easy to understand manner. If you follow the revisions I made above in your paragraph, you will find that the meaning becomes clearer and the restated prompt comes across as far improved as well. Always aim for clarity of the restated prompt and your opinion in any essay that you write :-)

Scholarship / What is one event in your life that has changed you as a person? [2]

Glen, I would like you to review the essay that you wrote and tell me if you think the essay talks more about your father and his cancer than it does about you and how the cancer helped you evolve as a person. The reason I am asking you to do that is because, from the point of view of a reviewer, your essay is not about yourself but your father. Every step of the essay, including the highlights, were about how your father battled cancer and how he overcame it. There was very little to represent how you had to deal with the cancer and how you overcame the obstacle in your life in order to become a better version of yourself.

Make the essay speak less about your father. You can do this by simply telling the reviewer that your father had cancer when you were 12 years old. That you had to live with your father's battle with cancer for the next 7 years of your life and during that time, you experienced changes in your situation in life. Talk about how you had to mature faster than others your age, maybe you had to take on more responsibility, or you had to become the provider for the family as your father fought the cancer.

Basically, the story needs to tell us more about you, how the cancer affected you, and how you used that experience in order to learn lessons that you would not have normally had to learn or deal with. In other words, from cancer came your maturity :-)

Undergraduate / Virtual reality and video games - Duke Pratt engineering essay [13]

Ok. Let's deal with this using keywords. The keywords will help you develop 150 connected words that will describe why you want to study engineering and you want to do it at Duke. These keywords are:

Game programming
objects on a screen
coding
Duke immersive Virtual Reality (DIVE)
immersive games

Connect the words using the necessary format and word connectors and you will have your 150 word statement. You have 5 keywords up there. Use each keyword in one sentence by developing the sentence to revolve around the topic / keyword. After you do that, come back here with what you have developed and we will polish it together :-)

Graduate / Research on geophysics what explores fascination about the earth and planetary science [17]

Mohammad, You can't use information in this essay from when you were 14 years old. this is not a college application, this is a masters degree study application. So you need to show more maturity, a sense of developed interest, enhanced skills, and reason for the pursuit of your course. Relying on information about how your interest was sparked when you were 14 doesn't really help with your essay.

Try to depict your more current interests in the field of Geophysics. Explain where your strong desire to do research in the field comes from. What do you hope to accomplish through this study? What questions do you want answered? How will these advanced studies help you to discover the answer to these questions? Do you have any hypothesis that you hope to prove through the help of the research department of the university? These are all possible scenarios that you could present in your essay which will help you strengthen the possibility of your admission as a masters degree student.

Make sure that your application shows how you look forward to your future in this field by sharing information about your current and immediate past accomplishments in Geophysics. Keep in mind that you will be applying alongside accomplished professional who quite possibly, have published work in related fields. So you need to come up to that level of consideration. Depict only your skills and experience, or your published work that will allow the reviewer to understand that you have what it takes to make a difference in this field. Make sure that the reviewer will feel like you are a gem of a student whose addition to their roster of students can only raise the bar in terms of educational quality at their institution.

Right now, your paper sounds like it was written as a college application. We have to change that tone and make it serious. It needs to have the tone of a potential master professional in the field of Geophysics. With a few more revisions, we just may accomplish that :-)

Graduate / SOP FOR MS HCI PROGRAM AT IOWA STATE UNIVERSITY- ANY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE INVALUABLE [5]

Ratz, this is an improvement but you still have a long way to go before you actually get to the correct version of your statement of purpose. Let me list down some guide statements form your revision that can help you better direct your essay:

Your opening statement:
Nowadays, with so much emphasis on user-centered design, the significance of designing and enhancing the user experience seems necessary and I feel the need to continue my exploration in this field

Your purpose:
From my own study of the interdisciplinary field of HCI, I learned the importance of user centered design and how it impacts the overall usability, accessibility and satisfaction of the user. Particularly, I have found myself always looking for a field which is the marriage of aesthetic design and technology and I have found just that in the field of HCI. This revelation has motivated me on my decision to pursue my future career as a UX designer and researcher

- How do you see yourself becoming a professional in this field in the next 5 years? How about the next 10? Discuss it in this portion.

Your relevant experience:
For my final year project completion, I did an internship at Servelots Infotech at Bangalore for a duration of 6 months. During the internship we developed an android application whose primary purpose was to facilitate localized WI-FI peer to peer content sharing based on the android platform. Working on the project gave me the opportunity to learn many aspects of android programming and networking. The experience also helped me to refine my ability to be an efficient team player.

- Try to include any awards or accolades in this part. Relate your work and internship experiences to your expectations as a future professional in the field.

Now, what you have to do is build upon those statements in order to strengthen your statement of purpose. These are excellent foundations for your discussion but you need to also give an overview of your college major. No more than one paragraph somewhere between your purpose and your relevant experience. Then you can conclude the essay. Here's hoping for further improvement in the next draft :-)

Writing Feedback / Percentage of Yemen and Italy population - IELTS 1 writing that I did for 1.5 hours [5]

The pie charts given compare the percentage of YemenI and Italy ITALIAN population based on the ages in 2000 and the PROJECTED assessment of it FOR THE SAME AGES IN THE YEAR for 2050. The age group was divided into three, e.g. COVERING 0-14 years, 15-59 years and 60+ years. Over all, it can be found that both countries was IS predicted, by 2050, to have A decrease in THE percentage of the largest segment in 2000.

In 2000, the percentage of 0-14 years old people in Yemen was 50,1% as REPRESENTING the largest proportion followed by 15-59 years and 60+ years respectively. However, in 2050, this trend is not estimated to be seen again AND WILL INSTEAD, with the decrease of IN THE AGES 0-14 years people to 37.0% and the WITH A rise of other population percentageS, that is INDICATE 11% for 15-59 and 1.1% for 60+.

In contrast, Italy has BEEN assessed to have significant changeS in percentageS of 15-59 years category, from 61.6%, in 2000, to 46.2%, in 2050. The negative change was WILL not only happened for THE 15-59 years category but also for THE 0-14 years which is from 14.3% to 11.5%. the THE one that got IS EXPECTED TO HAVE A SIGNIFICANT increase was IS THE 60+ years category that is projected to reach 42.3%.

Undergraduate / Tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission [5]

Since the CGS program allows you to pursue various subjects in relation to your possible major, let's call it "trying it on for size", then you have the opportunity to make your statement response even more interesting :-) If you mention say one or two possible majors that you are going to be considering as a CGS student, then you will offer the image that you are a student who is excited about your professional life and that you are just trying to find "the perfect fit" for you. Thus making the CGS program more important and relevant to your future college career path :-)

Once you discuss those parts first, it will make perfect sense once you add the part about :

The tightly-knit CGS community and an access to academic advisors would help guide me through the difficult process of choosing a field that I would want to work in for the rest of my life...

Showing that you have ambitions for college and that you will be utilizing the available resources that the university has to offer will tell the reviewer that you are most likely to become an asset to the university as a student because you allow the university to help you mold or create the person that you wish to become in the future :-)

Undergraduate / Writing and Reading - How They Have Shaped Who I Am [6]

Jeffrey, an anecdotal story should not be the whole basis for your response to an essay prompt. Instead of detailing the events in a creative short story manner, just take the salient points that apply to your prompt and issue a summary narrative of the story instead. Using only relevant quotes from the anecdote whenever necessary or possible.

At this point, the story really does not work with the prompt and I doubt that you can really make the connection. at least not in the way that you have the essay set up at the moment. When you tell a background story, it is always best to tell the story from hindsight. The purpose being that you will first tell the reviewer what lesson you learned about yourself from the event, and then relating how the event transpired, what your part was in it, and then offering a deeper understanding of what happened to you. Make sure that it is a character building story because as a college applicant, reviewers always want to get know about you on a more personal level and these essays offer them a partial look into that side of your life and personality.

Undergraduate / Biochem and Bio-med Engineering- Why Michigan? [2]

Anting, the first part of your essay that deals with your interactive experience with science at the age of 5 does not really serve a solid purpose in the essay. It is always best for you to get to the point when yo are writing to the reviewer. While I can understand why you would want to create an artistic introduction for your response, the reviewer does not have the time to waste reading about something that happened when you were 5 years old. It is not as relevant to your application as you might think.

By starting off immediately with "The University of Michigan first captured my interest in 8th grade at a school visit as I pictured the vibrant campus, spirited sports culture, and unique traditions. ", you immediately lay the foundation for what attracted you to Michigan for your college studies. The rest of your essay provides the required academic basis for your response and even opens up a window of opportunity for you to explain the kind of scientific research you may do at the university as an undergraduate. I suggest that you take advantage of the chance to do so.

Now, you need to make sure that you deliver only the information that the reviewer will be interested in reading about. That means keeping the focus of the essay solely on the academic requirements as indicated in the prompt. The last part of your essay that deals with the traditions of the university that you look forward to participating in is now out of place, just like your reference to your interest in science at the age of 5.

By removing the 2 irrelevant parts of the essay that you wrote, you will not only offer the proper response to the prompt, but also shorten the essay. These steps will ensure that the reviewer at least reads your essay to the very end so that your narrative can be used as part of the considerations for your application.

Graduate / SOP FOR MS HCI PROGRAM AT IOWA STATE UNIVERSITY- ANY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE INVALUABLE [5]

Ratankumar, your personal background created a statement that really displays the difficulties that you went through in life in order to achieve your college goals. I see how hard working you are and how you had to overcome obstacle to get to where you are today. If you were writing a common app prompt for a college application, this essay would probably have been one of the more informative and notable ones from the candidate students. However, as a statement of purpose, it does not really deliver.

Like I said, the essay you wrote needs to be improved upon through redirection. You must discuss the correct and relevant information in your SOP so that the reviewer can properly consider your qualifications as a candidate for MS studies. It would be in the best interest of your application if you write a new essay that refers the reviewer to the following required statement of purpose information:

1. The reason you wish to apply for higher studies;
2. Your professional background;
3. Notable professional accomplishments related to internships or seminars / training completed;
4. What you hope to accomplish after completing this course;
5. University programs that you feel can help you achieve your academic and professional goals.

The information that you have in the essay right now is more for a personal statement than an SOP. the guidelines I provided above should help you get on track towards writing a proper statement of purpose draft.

Writing Feedback / The skills that we can improve from Facebook [8]

Kurnia, Pallavi brought up a good point. When I first read your essay, I thought you were going to talk about the English language and its importance in our global world. So when you mentioned Facebook towards the end, I did not really get the connection at first. That is the only negative aspect of your essay. The rest of the essay, in support of your stand on the prompt, actually makes a lot of sense.

I would advice you to learn how to write a better introduction though. Make sure that you present the proper prompt summary or restatement in the introduction so that the reader will actually know what you will be discussing in the essay. If I were the one to have written the introduction to this essay, I would have worded it in the following manner:

English is the most important language in the world. Known as the universal language, it is often said that even if you don't speak the native language of a foreign country, it does not pose a problem because people will always know how to speak English there, no matter how limited their use of the language is. Now, because not all of the countries in the world admit to being able to speak in English, it is important to remember that these people still want to learn how to speak, read, and write in the language. While generations past would enroll in decades of English classes and even go so far as to live in America or Britain to learn the proper use of the language, that is no longer necessary these days. All people have to do to better learn how to speak, write, and read in English is use social media. Facebook, is actually one of the social media sites that encourages the use of English for member interaction is a perfect example of how social media can help people improve their English language skills.

The important part of the introduction is that you prove that you understand the prompt and that you can present preliminary evidence to support your idea within the rest of the essay. I hope I was able to clearly show that to you in my example :-)

Undergraduate / Tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission [5]

Nicole, the last information a reviewer wants to read in this type of statement is that you have not decided on a college major yet. Here is a tip for getting into the college of your choice, make sure you have a major selected even if you are unsure of that major at first. The reason you have to select a major is because colleges have a quota or maximum number of student admission requirement per department. You need to make sure that you will fit into one of those departments so that you can have a fighting chance of being considered for admission.

Think of it this way, if you were the admissions officer, who would you opt for? The student who says "I want to enroll in the biology department because of my interests in science." or" When I come to a final decision of what my major is, I know my choice will be the right one because I would have had the time to think about it as well as the opportunity to take a variety of classes in different subject areas." One student shows a direction for his academic and career path, no matter how vague it is and the other, well, just wants to get into any college program, not really caring about what major that has to be.

Giving just general reasons for your attraction to BU will not work in your favor. You need to be very specific because the university is also highly selective when it comes to the students they will admit. Make sure you enhance your chances of getting in. Choose a major, you can always switch once you are already an enrolled student at BU. You can switch after a semester or so.

Graduate / I graduated in Electrical and Electronics in engineering. Personal Statement for UCINN. Need review. [5]

Anuj, this is a good response to the professional aspect of the prompt. It is quite detailed and really offers a complete insight as to your professional abilities. However, that is not the only requirement of the prompt. You need to choose only the top professional experience that you have to present in this essay. Then use the other paragraphs to represent your academic interests and personal interests in the field you are working in.

Basically, your personal statement should show the methods by which your academic interests in the line of work developed. Talk about your early interest, without veering into your childhood interest, starting from high school, that led to your current career. Make sure to highlight notable moments from your academic life in relation to the major you chose and how that translated into more advanced academic interests in the field for you.

The essay should also show how your personal interest in the field has affected your mindset. Perhaps you have a secret electronics project that you are working on? Something that you feel will change the field of electronic engineering in the future? If you do, then give a summary of that project and how you feel it can help advance the field should your project become successful.

Remember, there are 3 aspects that have to be represented in the essay, your academic, personal, and life (professional) interests. So far you have the life interests accurately discussed. You just need to work on the other 2 :-)

Undergraduate / Virtual reality and video games - Duke Pratt engineering essay [13]

I can understand how the limited word count can really hinder what it is that you want to say in the essay. The problem though, is that because you were so concerned with the word count, you were not able to properly deliver the kind of response that the statement requires. At this point, I usually tell my students to not think about the word count. Just write down everything important that you want to say, in the best way that you can say it.

From there, you can review and revise the content. Shorten the presentation of the paragraph as best as you can. Remove the excess words or irrelevant thoughts that might exist. Keep on cutting out content that, as you review your essay, you may find to be of little to no importance to what you want to express. You will see that the essay will keep reducing in word count to the point where you will end up with 150 words or less.

Now, If you still have a problem with editing the content of your answer, post what you already have here and I will help you bring your response into focus within the 150 word count. Just try to do this statement response as best as you can, I'll be here to help you finalize the content :-)

Graduate / Review of Why do you want to pursue an MS-MIS degree at Mays Business School? -Pallavi Thakur.. [12]

Anuj, there are some deans in colleges and universities who actually take on course loads and double up as professors. Some of them are also doing intricate research on the side while at the university, so there is a possibility that Pallavi may interact with the dean in the person's capacity as a professor at the department. While you make a good point about not mentioning the name directly, if Pallavi knows that he has a chance of interacting with this person, and he really wants to work with the professor, then it should be mentioned. As for the publications and journals, only the relevant research that Pallavi can connect to his own research at the university should be mentioned. The achievements of the professors are not his to claim as his own so it should be mentioned as limited as possible and only in relation to any future work that Pallavi wishes to do at the university. This essay is solely concerned with his academics and nothing more. The prompt is very specific about that.

Now, if you reviewed the earlier discussion that Pallavi and I have been having regarding the format and content of his essay, you will see that he already mentioned his career goals in a separate essay that he submitted. Which is why he does not need to discuss it again. There is no sense in repeating discussions that the prompt already said belongs to a totally separate essay. He does not need to discuss it again here.

In the future, before you give advice, please read the complete thread and try to understand what the contributor and the student are already doing because your advice, if it runs counter to the work that has already been done, can negatively affect the essay of the student, to the point where the student might feel that he has to rewrite his whole essay when in reality, the work he has already done is exactly what he has to do to satisfy the prompt.

Undergraduate / Creating opportunities: Personal Essay for Common App (a background, identity, interest, or talent) [2]

Ann, try to focus your essay on the topic that matters the most. In this case, it isn't about your parent's divorce but rather the way that you went on a journey of self-discovery. I can't really connect the situation and despair you had with your mother with your development academically. Once a disconnection like that occurs, confusion sets in. Are you telling us about the effects of the divorce on your or are you talking about the obstacles to your academic development? You have 2 sets of background stories going here so you need to just pick the best one and build the whole essay around it.

Personally, I don't see how either of the stories make your application incomplete without it. So there is a need for you to find a highlight to one of the stories in your life. It has to be a highlight that shows a character development or the emergence of something within you that you were not given the liberty to discuss within the common app prompts. This is your chance to make yourself shine. Develop the story that you feel will best set you apart from the other applicants. Will it be about your love for robotics? Your enjoyment of journalism? Which story do you think will make you shine? That is the choice you have to make and then develop into an interesting background story.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement: Why I didn't choose to drop out. [4]

Xu, your essay doesn't really help your application because it is confusing, boring, and at this point, directionless. The best thing for you to do is choose a story that will resonate with the reviewer. Make you some sort of memorable person in print whom he will want to meet for a face to face interview in the future. It is quite possible to do that if you will follow my instructions.

For this essay, I would like you to write about prompt 1. This is the prompt that indicates "Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."

Center your story on the reason that you did not drop out of school even though your best friend opted not to go to school and you had to struggle to get a good education. We will portray you as a hard working, "I will overcome any obstacle in my path to get to my success", optimistic student who just needs a good break in the educational world in order to reach your fullest potential. Does that sound like a story that you can come up with on your own? Just write what you can and I will help you revise it when you are done so that it will become a more interesting response to the prompt :-) I look forward to reading it.

Writing Feedback / A varieties of clothes change people - correct my essay for TOEFL practice [2]

Some people from past until now spend BELIEVE THAT IT IS IMPORTANT TO SPEND A high amount of money for clothes. Since it is very significant for people who are care for looking TO CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. I believe that there are different views about if clothes change people behaviors REASONS AS TO WHY PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOR CHANGE ACCORDING TO HOW THEY DRESS . From my opinion, I believe that clothes might change people'S behaver BEHAVIOR for two reasons.

First, Changing behaver are kind of respect for high clothes EXPENSIVE CLOTHES CAN CHANGE A PERSON'S BEHAVIOR. Some people believe if you wear high class clothes, you have to change your personality to match with your dresses OUTFIT .For instance, every year my mother's family have A meeting, and in AT this meeting, women wear expensive clothes, and their behaviors are different. They look very serious. It affected me because some of THE women I know their attitude when they don't were these dresses WHO WERE PART OF THE GROUP WERE WOMEN I KNEW AND THEY HAD A DIFFERENT BEHAVIOR WHEN THEY WERE NOT DRESSED FOR THEIR MEETING. I asked them for reasons of changing behaviors TO EXPLAIN THE CHANGE IN THEIR ATTITUDE AND , they told me that because it respects for dresses to have artificial behaver. PEOPLE RESPECT THEIR CLOTHES SO THEY NEED TO HAVE AN ARTIFICIAL BEHAVIOR As we can see, if women don't wear theses kindS of clothes, they will not change their behaviors.

Second, some companies require for their employEEs to change their behaviors when they wear A work suit. Companies are care about their customerS; thus, workerS have to be more polite. For example, One day I visited my brother who works in A hotel. I was very surprised because his behaviors WAS very different FROM WHEN HE WAS AT HOME .To illustrate, my brother likes to make jokes and to be funny, but he looks serious in WHEN AT his job. As we see, my brother would not change his behaver BEHAVIOR WHEN if he doesn't wear a suit.

In sum, people have different behaviors when they were quality clothes. For two reasons, people believe that when you were clothes' OF high value, you should respect that by changing your behaviors . Another reason, IS THAT companies require for employs EMPLOYEES to adopt their A SERIOUS behaviors during work WHILE WORKING. Everyone should keep their real attitude.

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Not a bad first effort Mohammed. You understood the prompt and, although you had some difficulty with spelling and explaining yourself,. you still managed to make yourself understood by the reader. Your opinion was clear and supported by acceptable personal experience examples. I believe that you have the potential to further perfect your written English language skills as you progress with your practice tests. Just make sure to pay attention to your spelling. You often misspelled the keyword for the essay and that will definitely lose you points in an actual test.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement: Why I didn't choose to drop out. [4]

Xu, You have written a highly comprehensive educational history that immerses the reviewer in your tumultuous world of education. It is clear that you learned to value education for a personal reason and you are pursuing it because of simple love for learning. However, I am beginning to wonder if this extremely long and informative personal statement will actually serve a purpose. It just seems like it took you so long to get to the point, then you did not really, completely explain your point. I am not sure if this works as a personal statement. Do you have any guide or prompt questions from the university that we can refer to as we review your work? That way we can guide you properly.

Personally, I think that the essay works as a statement for the way you learned to value education and how education can change a life. However, I get a bit confused while reading it because at the end, you mention the USAD and that it helped your learn that you love art history. So what do you really want to discuss? The importance of education or how you developed a liking for art history? There are actually 2 sets of themes existing here and you have to pick one to use as the central discussion for your essay. It will help if you know what kind of personal statement you have to develop and whether that personal statement will allow you to have an open topic as an essay presentation.

Undergraduate / Craving for Computer Science - Georgia Tech Essay [11]

Logesh, your edited, tightened, and final format essay:

About two years ago, I came to know what computer science essentially was - a logical and analytical challenge to a human's thought process, by then I knew this was what I wanted to pursue in my life. Over the course of time, I strived to learn about programming and where it may possibly lead me. Writing a long program and compiling it without errors, producing the pseudocode to a challenging question or finding that one bug which took me hours, these moments were most likely the greatest. These accomplishments instilled a feeling of progress and served the purpose of nurturing my passion for the subject.

A few months back, I attended the Reflections|Projections event held by UIUC. During Yisong Yue's presentation, I experienced the same feeling as I did two years ago, a feeling of direction. I had finally found my calling; the ability to code something that could make far better decisions and predictions than man ever could, one that would get exponentially better with time and data, Machine Learning, the knowledge that computers can be made to create something that can think independently is possibly the one single thing that has fascinated me no end. I aim to merge machine learning with quantum computing in order to fabricate supercomputers of unparalleled power. This technology could be integrated into NASA programs for autonomous space travel. Practical applications such as creating industrial mechanisms that can run with substantially improved decision making and more precise automated movements can also become a reality.

Over the past century, computer science has both undergone an exponential growth and produced a revolutionary change in mankind's lifestyle. I'd like to be a driving force in this change. However, I possess only a few drops of this vast ocean of language.I believe that Georgia Tech, being one of the world's greatest research institutions, and offering courses like Introduction to AI, Machine Learning, and Knowledge-based AI can provide the cornerstone for my future career as a computer scientist.

By the way, thanks for the compliment :-) It is greatly appreciated.

Graduate / Research on geophysics what explores fascination about the earth and planetary science [17]

Mohammad, writing a statement of purpose is easy. I can actually see the part of the former essay that you can use as the starting point for your statement of purpose because it clearly indicates just that, including your plans for your future. Use the following as the basis of your statement of purpose:

I have a strong desire to practice the research of Geophysics. This is in-line with my career goals of becoming a top notch Geoscientist/ Research Consultant. I wish to broaden my technical skills and expertise in area of data processing and interpretation in Seismic and Magnetic methods and add more knowledge about the earth and planet. I am aware that the research field is very competitive and in order to be successful, I need to stand out.

From there you just need to discuss how you have come to prepare yourself for your masters studies. Mention your experiences in the field, any training or seminars / conferences, awards you received in relation to the work you do, and what type of research you may want to do as part of your master's thesis or dissertation. Those are the basic points. We can adjust the content as needed after you develop the new draft :-)

Scholarship / Sense of humor is very helpful in my life - NTU Scholarship Essay on values and beliefs [2]

Robby, having a sense of humor and valuing it is not the same as having a personal sense of values that you would like to uphold. When the prompt asks you to discuss the values and beliefs that you hold strongly to, the reference is not being made to trivial beliefs such as a sense of humor. When one speaks of values in terms of personal reasons these normally include honor, integrity, and respect among other things. Those are the values that you should believe in and strongly promote in your daily life.

The NTU honor code highlights the university belief in truth, trust, and justice. These are the same values that they expect their students to embody. Not surprisingly, these are the same values that everyone tries to adhere to in daily life. Pick one of the three that you identify with the most and then develop your response to reflect that belief and how you try to uphold that "character trait" in your everyday life. It should not be hard for you to develop something that will help you reflect that in your statement.

Writing Feedback / Luis Riel led two rebellions against his government, killing many in the process - guilty of treason [3]

Hey Aria, I edited your essay to make it quicker to read while keeping all of the historical facts accurate and correctly placed within the essay. There are punctuation additions, Capitalization corrections, and sentence structure formatting edits reflected. Here is what I came up with:

In my opinion Louis Riel was guilty because the Metis had no legal land, Riel was not a man of peace and he went against his government by starting 2 rebellions.

Neither Louis Riel nor the Metis people owned or had any papers proving that they owned the land that they settled on. The rightful owner of this land was the Hudson Bay Company which was later bought out by the Dominion of Canada. After Canada bought Rupert's land , surveyors appeared in the Red River settlement area and began to divide the land into square lots, Louis forced the surveyors to leave their land even though it was not rightfully Metis land, all the surveyors were doing was there job. Is there anything wrong with that?

Imagine being a construction worker on a building and out of nowhere , thousands of people force you to leave your unfinished work space. How do you think your boss would react to that? How would you react to the situation? The Metis didn't have legal land or any papers to prove they owned the land, so the government had every right to take it from them.

Riel spoke about peace, yet he killed Thomas Scott. Riel said that they killed Thomas Scott because he was a threat. I believe they killed Scott because of their feelings towards the dominion of Canada. Think about it. Thomas Scott was locked away in a cell. What harm could he have caused? Since when did any peaceful man execute another man? Riel and Métis fought instead of finding a more peaceful solution. In the end Riel and Métis, became violent while saying that they wanted peace. It seemed like Riel didn't want peace for various reasons.

Louis led not one but two rebellions against the Canadian government , killing many men. The first rebellion was the Red River Rebellion, The Red River Rebellion was the sequence of events related to the 1869 establishment of a provisional government by the Métis leader Louis Riel at the Red River Colony, in what is now Manitoba. After this rebellion , Louis retreated to America. Later to be called back to help with the second rebellion known as the North-West Rebellion, The North-West Rebellion (also known by other historical names such as the North-West Resistance, Saskatchewan Rebellion, Northwest Uprising, or Second Riel Rebellion) of 1885 was a brief and unsuccessful uprising by the Métis people under Louis Riel, and an associated uprising by the First Nations Cree and Assiniboine, of the District of Saskatchewan.

The definition of treason in the dictionary is that it is a crime of betraying one's country. This is done either by attempting to kill the sovereign or overthrow the government. Louis Riel was a Metis so he was technically Canadian who led two rebellions attacking his government. In my opinion yes Louis Riel is guilty of treason.

Writing Feedback / SPORT FOR CHILDREN INSTEAD OF COMPUTER GAMES [2]

Anna, this is a personal opinion essay. Therefore, you have to present your personal opinion in the introductory statement by using the terms "My opinion is, I believe that, My idea is, I consider ..." and a host of other opening pronoun phrases that will signify that only your opinion and examples will be discussed in the essay. Making your opinion clear from the very beginning, by indicating it as a sentence or part of the statement, will show the reviewer that you have not only a clear understanding of the instructions, but also that you took the time to consider the discussion presented before you.

These days students do not SHOW AN interest IN sportS considerably . If they THEREFORE, THEY NEED TO BE are encouraged to do some physical activities IN ORDER TO LESSEN , students do not spend their time SPENT PLAYING on computer games. I BELIEVE THAT T The reason why it THIS is very important IS that the number of hours spent on sports should be high among young people is that sport BECAUSE IT helps to THE YOUNG DEVELOP A have healthy body.

To begin with I WOULD LIKE TO START BY SAYING, students need to do sportS. IN ORDER TO HELP THEIR young generation's bodies are growing, PROPERLY DEVELOP. sport helps to grow physically very well. Their muscles become strong and some saturated fats are not stored EXCESS FATS ARE BURNED in young people's bodies. Also, when children play computer games, they just set SIT down on IN the chair without any physical movement. Therefore, they loss their muscles LOSE MUSCLE DENSITY AND STRENGTH IN THE fo r long run. In my opinion, it is the first stage of many lifestyle diseaseS, such as obesity, AND diabetes.

Moreover, if studentS play some sports, they do not follow some FALL INTO bad habits. Smoking is the most popular habit among adolescence. By playing some sports, young generation THEY BECOME reluctant to smoke. Also, by having good shape and A high level of fitness makes increasing , THE the self confidence among children INCREASES. So, young adult can communicate with peers very well.

Moreover, doing computer games has many demerits. These ADMITTEDLY, COMPUTER games introduce violent VIOLENCE to children. The most back ground of these games is fight MOST VIDEO GAMES ARE BASED UPON PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. Therefore, violence increases rapidly among children, since the first solution of THE GAME TO various problems is physical attack or arguing. As a consequence, anxiety and stress are common feature BECOME COMMON OCCURRENCES among children.

In conclusion, doing sports has many merits such having A high level of fitness, decreasing violence, some EASING pressure ON CHILDREN, and helping to reduce attraction to some bad habits.

Undergraduate / Craving for Computer Science - Georgia Tech Essay [11]

Hi Logesh :-) Listen you don't have to make my word for it. Your essay is still just that, your essay. So it has to reflect the topics and content that you feel are important to your application. I won't take your adding the information about the elective subjects against you. My role here is just to advice you regarding content and form. How you use that advice is really up to you :-)

That said, I do believe that your essay is now ready to be submitted and contains all of the points that you wish the reviewer to take note of in terms of your application. I do not think that there is a possibility to add any more information to this work. That is, unless you feel that there are other portions that you want to adjust or enhance ? This essay after all, will only be ready to submit when you believe that you have perfected it already. So submit it as soon as you feel comfortable with the content and format of your work :-)

Undergraduate / Virtual reality and video games - Duke Pratt engineering essay [13]

Mubtasim, I am not sure if you are trying to provide a personal statement or answer one of the common app prompts at this point. Kindly provide us with a copy of the prompt you are trying to respond to so that we can better assess the responsiveness of your statement to the prompt requirements.

At this point though, I can tell you that you have written an acceptable introduction and body. The paragraphs are interesting and deliver a clear take on the subject that you wish to discuss. However, since this is only 2 paragraphs long, I am wondering if you are working within a maximum word count and what that word count is. I feel like there is room for improvement in terms of content. I just need to know what our working parameters are.

I would have liked to read more about the foundation of your video game designer skills and how your interest in programming developed. Those are important aspects that need to be well threshed out in particular common app essays. At this point, the only review that I can give you is a superficial one as I have yet to get the proper instructions from you in order to go deeper into the way you wrote and presented your essay.

Undergraduate / "Onni Annyeong!" Participating in Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher in Thailand [9]

Hi Minjung, here is a 441 word version of your essay. It more than covers all the necessary information and should be usable in this format. Don't change or add anything without telling me first. It might affect the overall message of the essay. I already finalized the presentation and content for you :-)

"Onni Annyeong! (Hello, sister!)"

This is what I heard from Thai hill tribe children every weekend. Being a Korean teacher for friendly children was more than exciting. It overwhelmed me.

I came to northern Thailand six years ago due to the influence of my parents who passed onto me the importance of experiencing a diverse culture. Getting on the airplane that day was a turning point in my life. It was an adventure that led me to an interest in sharing different cultures with people and ;earning by listening attentively to them.

After that trip, I decided that I wanted to continue expanding my horizons along the lines of diverse relationships on an international level. So I participated in the Model United Nations last year. Finding efficient ways to support developing countries was one of the topics. The reality of my experience in Thailand - their pitiful problem regarding relatively weak people's rights - ran through my mind.

I learned from that experience that countries will not become strong if we simply give them fish. So I thought of providing them with the tools for self-development, since that is more important than giving temporary support. As the delegate from Laos, I promised to offer programs that nurtured proper schools and teachers for young children. My opinion was written on the first list of the resolution due to its impressive stand on a situation and creative suggestions to solving the problem.

Whenever I go to see Thai hill tribe children after my experience with the Model United Nations, I started looking at them from a different perspective.

I used to write in Korean characters on paper when I was in Thaliand, this brought out the curiosity in the kids. Their questions led me to teach them how to speak and write in simple Korean in order to help them deal with a global world.

I began to notice that by reflecting children's opinions and adjusting my teaching method, made the class more energetic and interactive. Rewards, Q&A time, competition, using media, etc,. were the key to engaging the students in a learning environment.

Soon after, the children possessed an amazing skill when it came to communicating through simple conversations with native Koreans. Yet, I know that I learned more from them than they learned from me. By volunteering, I earned the ability to listen carefully and learned that a little consideration enables people to lead and teach other people.

Participating in the Model United Nations and being a Korean teacher in Thailand gave me the opportunity to realize that there are more things I can learn through actual experience than through class.

Undergraduate / Craving for Computer Science - Georgia Tech Essay [11]

In my opinion, detailing the subjects are not necessary since the reviewers and adcom are more than familiar with their university curriculum. So indicating the subjects you will be taking up will, in no way, enhance your essay as all of the students who enroll in computer science at the university will be studying the same subjects over the course of the year or years. There might be an actual prompt from the university that will allow you to better discuss your interest in certain subjects though. If the isn't any prompt related to it, then you can skip it. Again, that is my opinion so if you want to add that information to your essay, you can very well do so.

Remember though that the prompt is asking you about " What interests you about your selected program of study". It does not ask you about what subjects you are interested in studying at the university. Rather, it asks you to detail the intricacies of your attraction to Computer Science in a way that goes beyond simple course study. What they are looking for are unique reasons for your interest that will assure them that you will not be dropping the ball and suddenly changing courses once you are already a student at the university. By discussing your interest in the actual field or profession, you deliver the idea that you will stay the course and are actually looking forward to participating in the profession.