Scholarship / Impact Latino heritage,family&community on desire to obtain degree&how I will give back to community [7]

HI Jaqueline, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF.
I hope you keep on writing, as you mentioned, you will be writing another draft, this is a good way to practice writing and will definitely help you in getting better if not the best at this craft.

Now while you're at it, I would like to remind you of the following English writing must do's;

- know your topic, make sure that you understand what is asked of the topic or the prompt you are answering, because of course, if you don't understand the topic, you will not be able to come up with a well written essay.

- mind the minor details such as the punctuation marks, the spaces and paragraph presentation. Treat each and every writing project as though it is already for final submission, this way you will get the habit of submitting a well written article each and every time.

Last but not the least, review the English Language rules all the time and whenever you can, read, this will help increase your vocabulary, this is also the way to sharpen your memory on which set of words to include in a particular essay.

Writing Feedback / The advantages of living in a large city - a lot of opportunities and potential to develop [3]

Hi Huynh, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
I hope you find this website valuable as well as useful to your writing projects. We aim to provide you with the most accurate and objective criticism.

Now, as I read through your essay, I must say, the introduction as well as the succeeding paragraphs are fairly written, however, towards the end, you somehow lost your grip on the topic at hand.I understand that you would like to give a broader view of the topic but it somehow went off and focused on the transportation modes and the accessibility of modern convenience, well, in fact this is true and is considered an advantage to city living, however, I believe this part of the essay should be minimized.

Overall, the essay written well, aside from the insights I mentioned, I believe you were able to come up with an essay that showcase a good writing skill and the language rules are also observed.

I hope to review more of your work and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that they can learn better by themselves than with a teacher. [4]

Hi Nahid, as I read through the essay, I must say I was puzzled, puzzled because it seemed as if you are trying so hard to express yourself and with much determination and perseverance, your essay still lack that complete thought.

To explain my observations further, here's what I mean;

- In the educational field,
- dilemma thatwith which
- others havebelieve it will post a a negative attitude.
- with a teacher
- depending onfrom my personal
- experimentexperienceand personality ,
- to be more concentrate more , to

There you have it Nahid, this is just my initial assessment towards your essay and as you can see, there's still a lot of corrections to be done in order to make sense of your essay. I believe you now exactly what to write, you are just having difficulty in expressing it and in this case, practice is your best friend. I will get back to you for a few more paragraphs to modify.

Scholarship / Impact Latino heritage,family&community on desire to obtain degree&how I will give back to community [7]

Hi Jaqueline, indeed WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
May we be able to help you with any of your writing projects.

Now, as I read you scholarship essay, I suggest that you turn away from the lengthy elaboration of your personal life, I'm not saying that you delete the entire part but just minimize it, make it seem like a short but meaningful part of your life and then focus on the academic journey that will be the highlight of your essay.

Remember this essay is for you to prove your academic capabilities and to showcase what else can you contribute to the academe and this will definitely matter in your application, hopefully it will be the key to your application success.

I hope this insights helped and I wish to review more of your essays soon.

Writing Feedback / All students should have equal chance to register at the university. [3]

Hi Nahid, first of all, I would like to say that your essay is full of potential. You have a well formatted idea, the logic of the sentences is also very evident.

However, as much as I loved the entirety of the essay, I find the idea quiet shallow, the topic is absolutely interesting and for sure you can still refine your essay and boost its quality.

Overall, the essay as mentioned can still be polished, I suggest that you gear towards the equality aspect of the essay. Make sure that you also use formal conversational words rather than words that are quiet shallow such as "good students", "bad students", instead, use words such as "well deserved students", you see there is a huge difference already and if you continue this pattern, the essay will come out much better.

Research Papers / How can the advancement of technology make localized therapy less evasive in stage 4 cancer patients [3]

Hi Myesha, first off all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you will find this website helpful as well as useful towards your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the best ideas and the most accurate feedback in order for you to come up with the most comprehensive writing to answer the prompt or the task at hand.

Moving forward, I believe your research paper is well presented, the information are gathered in a way that it supports each and every fact you wrote in the paper. Furthermore, I was able to understand the research as you crafted them in a well organized manner. The words you choose are also very simple, this absolutely helps your readers understand the paper very well.

As you mentioned, your goal is not only to educate people but also to encourage the public to go and gather more information, research and be open to other forms of treatment to cancer. I, for one, believe that cancer can be treated and it's also in the head of the patient, the courage to conquer the disease and be positive is always the best way to go and of course a lot of prayer too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 (PRACTICE) - THE DANGERS OF CHEMICAL COMPOUND USAGE [4]

Hi Nurul, for an early analysis of your essay, below are my modifications.

- Most of the food that
- we consumed are contaminated
- with chemical compounds .
- Synthetic material that replaced
- Unfortunately, due to the overusedmassive consumption,
- a hugegreat danger.
- is nowa convincing evidence
- containcontents in food is far away

- To begin with ,
- numbers of food productionmanufacturing companies - use synthetics substance
- ingredients, so the company can receiveand this will eventually yield higher profit
- because it reduces
- the cost of the production cost .
- What we do not realized about this
- fact is that the synthetics compounds
- the price of the product is cheap.

Nurul, the linking verbs, the word forms, the ed's and d's are missing in the words that you associate in your sentences and this affects the essay in a massive extent, therefore, you have to focus on this aspect of the essay and I must say you have the idea, the only thing is that, you are having concerns in expressing this thoughts. I hope this is useful.

Writing Feedback / In my way of thinking, children attending to private schools is reasonable idea. IELTS 2 [4]

Hi Su, here's my take on the essay you wrote.

- Nowadays, an increasingly number
- of parents are inclined to send
- sparked off an intense debate among the public( this part of the sentence is not necessary ) .
- fromof this behavior, while
- and giving my ownprovide my opinion.

- On the oneother hand,
- contributes to improvingthe improvement of
- academic performances of students.
- which will not only can
- but will also can provide them
- is conductiveconducive tofor students
- to commitcommitting themselves

There you have it Su, I hope the corrections help in enhancing the essay.
What I can draw from this is that, you have to be very careful in choosing your words, you tend to promote words that are unusual, not conversational, most of the time, the simpler the words, the easier it is for your readers to understand the purpose of your essay.

Writing Feedback / The teenager's decision for having a paid work is not a poor decison at all. IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Hi Patric, here are my thoughts on your concerns.

1. In discussion and give opinion type, do we have to create a conclusion since we have creat our opinion? (As far as I am concerned, we are allowed to give an opinion as well in the conclusion) - Well, the discussion part is for you to tackle the prompt and discuss the nature of the essay, the opinion part is for you to take the chance to voice out your personal thoughts and insights to the essay, overall, this parts of the essay is very relevant and needed in order to come up with a well rounded and complete writing project.

2. If we need an conclusion, can I put it into a same paragraph with my point of view? Or divide them into two paragraphs? - Your conclusion part does not necessarily mean that you need a separate paragraph for it, however, you need to make sure that this ideas or parts of the essay are clearly stated in the essay and will not confuse the reader.

3. Do we have to state our position about one view in introduction?
- A good approach on the introduction is to let your readers know what you are writing about,you can pretty much write or define the purpose of your essay and this will greatly help your reader in understanding the essay and knowing what to expect in the following paragraphs.

Patric, you don't have to worry about being new to IELTS, all you have to do is practice, track your progress and make sure that you learn from your mistakes, correct them as soon as you can and make sure that you take time to review the language rules, this will help you in coming up with an even stronger essay and a well polished one too.

Graduate / Living in a "fantastically corrupt" country of the world. Statement for MPA University of Calgary. [7]

Hi Matiullah, first of all, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family. We are very lucky to have found a website that does not only help us get better at this craft but will also provide us with the most accurate and relevant criticisms to our writing projects. Now, as I read and understood your essay, I must say that you are able to come up with a well informed essay, the information you gathered has been an essential part to the success of your essay.

However, as much as the introduction and the body of the essay is well organized, below are my suggestions to further enhance this part of the essay.

- DuringWith my seven years
- such as atin lower level Organizing,
- willing to ask for helpask questions when needed , - discipliningdiscipline and at
- letter of recommendation proves thatis for your due reference .

- Within the current condition I thinkI believe that - at the U niversity of Calgary
- which is one of the prestigious
- would en able me
- into return to my country with a handful of skills that I will definitely share to my fellowmen .

- that I am an enthusiastic disciplined and
- hardworkinga determined student who

There you have Matiullah, I hope the corrections helped and are useful to your revision. Also, as much as you would like to showcase the negative notes about your country, you also need to balance this with informations that are light and good about your country, 'coz, hey, after all, you belong to this country and this is your home, so be proud of it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - In some societies, fashion is becoming more and more important [6]

No worries at all Rere, you know that we will always be here to assist you with any writing projects that you may have. For future writing reference, I would like to remind you of the following;

- Mind the choice of words that you input in your sentences.
- Make use of the ideas that you have formed in your head and express them as logical as possible, this way, you will have a clear picture of your essay and the message you want to convey to your reader.

- The minor details such as the linking verbs, the punctuation marks as well as the tenses that you use may seem minor but this is very crucial to the fulfillment of a well written essay.

There you have it Rere, you are doing a good job in keeping a track of your progress and writing as much as possible and this is what makes your practice worthwhile.

I hope this insights help and encourage you to write more and write often, aslo, reading from time to time is a good habit to form.

Undergraduate / Am I happy where I am in life? Am I the person I want to be? Transition from childhood to Adulthood [3]

Hi David, here's my take on your essay.

- When I entered high school ,my freshman year ,
- the paper began
- it's walls of lies until

- me with a grins bigger

There you have it David, I stop here because I notice that this is a well written essay. You manage to come up with an essay that is not only an eye opener but also a huge step in making a life of your own. Remember, as you watch the people in and around you, think about yourself, think about your happiness and what life meant to you. We only cross this path once and it will not be that easy, nobody said it will be,but the good thing is, we fight for what we think is right, what will make us happy and will us stand out from a pool of people in this earth.

Your essay remind me of a lot of things to ponder about life, things that will make life even better, things that remind me of the days, hours and minutes that should not be wasted, instead live life as much as you can and spend every second without any regrets.

There you have it David, when it comes to your essay, I must say you are a natural in writing and I commend you for taking that summer and make it a turning point of your rather fantastic life. Live life it each day like it is your last.

Scholarship / 'Dear Provost Committee on Scholarship Review' - Letter of appeal for college aid :) [3]

Hi Marquis, first of all, I would like to let you know that I'm quiet surprised with the purpose of this letter. It is indeed an unusual letter, unconventional if you may call it and in this light, I would also like to applaud you in taking the step of writing this letter as it is one of those letters that may or may not make it and you will have to be prepared for the outcome.

Now, what I would like to suggest is that, towards the end of the essay, you mentioned the consequences of not being able to continue with the program, as much as I would like this information to be included in the essay, I believe it can be paraphrased in a way that it will not sound as if you are warning the admission council that it will be there fault if you get dropped off of the program.

What I mean is, you should be able to revise this particular notes, don't get me wrong, this information is vital to the purpose of your essay, however, the format and the approach of the sentences can still be polished.

I hope this insights helped.

Writing Feedback / The usage of chemical materials in food-making and maintenance has become a debatable issue. [3]

Hi Patric, aside from the corrections above that focused on your grammar, I would like to add that your essay started very good, in fact it is strong enough to fully and properly answer the prompt. You manage to provide what is asked in this writing project.

Now as much as I love the introduction and towards the body of your essay, the conclusion seems to be off, here are my suggestions.

- In sumTo conclude ,
- the key to resolving the issue
-of using chemicals materials in food-making
- are depend on
- therefore( this is not necessary) argue that,
- health issuesproblems
- which clearly could clearly address
- an awareness to society

There you have it Patric, try or work on the word choices that you associate in your sentences and make sure that you don't repeat the words or its synonyms as this will be redundant.

I hope to review your final revision soon.

Undergraduate / Semester at Sea Essay - A Voyage of a Lifetime [3]

Hi Courtney, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, this website is aimed at providing you with the most accurate and objective remarks on your essay with the hopes of enhancing your writing projects.

Now, upon reading your essay, I was somehow confused with the ideas and how you write your sentences. I believe you have the idea in your head and expressing it is a totally different task altogether, therefore, practice and gathering of thoughts will definitely be needed.

To properly elaborate what I mean, please find below;

- This quote signifies my want and need to be scared ,- I'm not sure why would you be scared and challenged to explore at the same time

- first-hand experience on all the things
- crashing ondown the rocks
- temples as I will visit in China.
- climb to the top of the Table Rock
- is thethat once in a

There you have Courtney, I hope I was able to show you the difference between the original essay and the modifications done. Rest assured that the rest of the essay is fairly written, a few adjustments won't hurt. Moreover, as this essay is restricted to the word count, you have to follow this simple rule, remember, this paper is the first step towards that dream so make no mistake and show the admission that you deserve the grant.

Scholarship / My greatest appreciation to Chinese government to let Mongolian students grant scholarships [5]

Hi Erdene, please allow me to provide you a few feedback, corrections and remarks for your essay.

- to the Chinese government
- toin letting Mongolian
- students grantreceive scholarships.
- on behalf of the all applicants.- this phrase is not necessary
- with a specialization in
- I am c urrently, I have been working
- at a Mongolian

- into further my studying
- in the Education Field.
-The latestlast few years,
- also to many European countries.
- As it has been cooperingMongolia cooperates with other countries,
- prepare more and more highly educated
- citizens in today's society.
- In addition to this, the education sector

There you have it Erdene, as you can see, your essay can still be enhanced and I applaud you in taking a courageous and humble act in educating the younger generations. English is the language that is widely spoken and everywhere you go, the language is the key to understanding one's culture and pave the way to better tomorrow. Keep on writing.

Graduate / "If there is will, there is a way" Statement of Purpose For PhD Abroad [3]

Hi Shiva, first of all, I would like to remind you that an SOP should not be written like an academic bio, not this length and not this format.

Now, an SOP should, yes, highlight your academic achievements and should showcase the details of this events, however, you have to be mindful in choosing the details that you input in your SOP, remember to keep some information to yourself, this way, should there be any questions from the admission panel, you will have something to say and this will open a good conversation which could lead to an edge over other applications.

The length of this SOP is not necessary, as mentioned, you can eliminate a few unnecessary information that will be an obvious sequence of achieving a particular award. Moving on, the format of the SOP is somehow very informal,I understand that this is just a draft, a rough one I suppose , however, learn to treat each and every writing article as if it were the final submission, this way you will be able to create a habit of excellence.

I hope my insights helped Shiva and should you need further assistance do let us know so we will be able to assist you.

Undergraduate / What are your career goals and how do you expect your education at The Art Institute of Pittsburgh.. [2]

Hi Rachel, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
When I first joined EF, it was an incredible feeling, to find a website that is, practicality noted, absolutely free, then I found out I can actually help students and writers alike in coming up with an even better essay, even further, enhance it, in order to strengthen and show the writer or student, what else can be done in the essay or writing task and I hope you do the same.

Now, I would like to share my side of your essay.

- Ever since I was youngAs a kid, I always
- because I have always had a
- passion for younger children.
- WhichThis ledlead me to
- pursuingpursue that dream
- was, (don't forget your punctuation marks ) I had

- I thought to myself that maybe
- accessories to gothat goes along with that room. - This was myis the passion that I cannot stop pursing.want to pursue.

There you have it Rachel, as you can see, after the revision, the essay tend to be stronger, the ideas are even lighter and the logic of your thoughts are clearer that when it started. Please don't be confuse with the tenses that you use in your sentences, once an action is done in the past of course it's a past tense and vice versa, now when the tricky part comes, the action is done in the current state, it still follows the present tense. I hope this is useful.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 (PRACTICE) - UNEMPLOYEMENT CAUSE AND HOW TO SOLVE IT? [3]

Hi Nurul, after reading and understanding your response to this prompt, what I gathered is that you were able to come up with a well written essay. The thoughts and the ideas were collaborated properly in order to create a well rounded and well informed essay.

I believe the above corrections will help enhance your essay but no sweat, you were able to create an essay that answered the prompt properly as well as provided information that is not only relevant to todays world but also very accurate to the current status on unemployment. Believe it or not, I think this is one common denominator amongst countries all over the world. it's quiet hard to tackle and there are a lot of aspects to take note of before one administration can fully eradicate this issue.

Moreover, as seen in most cases, the government of each and every country are doing their best to take this issue one step closer to its elimination. Moving forward, the logical sequence of your essay is also well patterned and this is a good indication that you are able to answer the prompt and that the ideas are coming together with specific information that is highlighted in each paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - An increase the production of consumer goods results in the damage [2]

Hi Rere, here are some additional insights and corrections to your essay.

-The highly increase ( increase is already high and so this is going to be redundant )
- the environmental damage.
- However, using thosethis products
- is a human necessity.

- Nowadays, the human
- has significantly increased significantly .
- It is unquestionablyundeniable that every
- goods and products for
- In terms of cleannesscleaning for instance,
- they use cleaning products such as
- detergent to clean their dresswash their clothes , - goods products is human necessityimportant to humans .

There you have it Rere, I hope this was useful. The linking verbs definitely needs a lot of work, the words you choose for this essay also needs to be changed, avoid using words over and over in the sentences, put a little variation and this will make your essay more interesting and meaningful.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Some support development in agriculture, such as farming industry [2]

Hi Rere, as much as I applaud you in noting the suggested approach on your essay, I would also like to let you know that we appreciate the progress that you are exercising towards your writing projects and are deeply honored to be part of each and every writing project that you have.

Now, here's my take on your essay.

- The advancement of technology
- in the agriculture area
- such as in the farming
- beca me an intensely
- debatable subject that arouse
- among public interest .
- Some individuals support the creation
- HoweverTo enlighten us in this issue , I will
- discuss these both views in this essay.

- enhancements done in theof
- farming industry leads to positive
- of plant variety of plant .
- are better in quality,
- wherein the contain nutrition contents is
- support to thethis advancement
- in the farming industry.

There you have it Rere, it's really just minor reviews, corrections and suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay. For future writing reference, mind the form of the words as well as the characteristics of the sentence you incorporate in your essay.

Grammar, Usage / Help me on the translated text of UNG vision and missions. [3]

Muhammad, here's what I have for your essay.

Our Vision:
By the year of 2035, our masters program
will be theproduce excellent, professionals, and, competitive with a major in English education within South East Asia.

Our Missions :
- Provide an innovative and professional learning, especially the research-based learning and problem solving method, regardingwith regards to the English language learning .

- Conduct advanced English language research to promote sciences and wealth and sciences in the society.

- community service whichthat encompasses

- whichwho encourages athe collaborative program in the English language learning coverage .

There you have it Muhammad, you have a very noble aspiration for the students who will be taking classes under your guidance in this institution, I do pray and hope that you will practice what you preach and do let us know when you need extra hand, we will be here for you.

Writing Feedback / Tourism is an excellent way to develop a country, but it can also cause harm. How can countries ensu [3]

Hi Azamat, I have read and understood your essay in a way that I fully agree to the points you mentioned. More importantly, the tourism industry is highly regarded in your essay. I for one is an advocate of the tourism industry, as what I always say, Tourism is the only industry that keeps on giving, you will never run out of projects, programs and things to promote in order to help the country or even a small town to be known, not only in the region where it belongs but to the whole world.

Of course, with the advent of social media, the tourism industry had a boost of advertising over the past few years, somehow, people thought that the industry is dying however the help of social media, it slowly gained it's popularity just like it was in the golden years.

Azamat, I would like to suggest that you stick to basic and conversational English, as much as you want to play with words, I believe it will help if you create that easy breezy feel or read in your essay because honestly, I have to look up a few words and make sure that it is what it is as I understand it. I hope this is useful to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Comparison Three universities BU, USC and UB. [3]

Hi Hang, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website a credible source of information as well as a useful tool in creating an even stronger essay.

Now, going back to your essay, I must say that you cited very obvious aspects of the universities in question. You also manage to showcase the difference of each and every institution and this is very important. The contrast of information is very vital to the overall picture of your essay.

What I like most about your essay is that, you included not only the best attributes of the universities but also the differences of the service, the numbers, the specific administrative nature of each of the university as well as the students characteristics that is very prevalent to each institution.

Overall, it is a fairly written essay, the introduction part can be strengthen by changing and focusing on the main goal of the essay, otherwise, it flowed smoothly and the information is well manicured.

Writing Feedback / Foreign language study by children in the first education level is more effective than in second [3]

Hi Nurul, I definitely agree that learning a second language, in this case, a foreign language at an early age is very crucial to children's lives, though the result of this study will not show an immediate effect, this part of early learning will absolutely help them and even more so, hone them, to be good citizens, somebody who is willing to digest different culture, indulge in the native language of a particular country or space.

Should I choose to raise my own kids in the future, I would love for them to be culturally exposed, learn as much as they can including language and master it if they can, however, a good balance in different fields of studies will be observed and be well implemented.

Overall, your essay is fairly written, it will still need a few corrections, most especially the conclusion and below is what I suggest;

- In conclusion, while studying foreign language in the primary school is beneficial, I believe that children will receive manyexperience more drawbacks absolutely . Therefore, introducing children to both ofthe native and foreign languages in formal education should be trainedimparted appropriately.

There you have it Nurul, I hope this is useful.

Writing Feedback / I strongly agree that gender could affect on the job position based on certain abilities. [6]

HI Rere, here's additional corrections that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- suited to a certain j
- ob due to the fact that they possess
- affect on the job position based on certain abilities.

- In some regions, it is of cultural
- reason that is unsuitable
- to let women work under
- harshlyconditions because
- are moresuitsfit to do
- some works that needs a lot
- of powers and women should
- work in a safer place.
- engineers for working in the field work or - are more needed in terms of administrative office jobs .
- Thus, the strong of cultural rule
- might a ffect on the me n and womens job.

As seen in most of your writing projects Rere, it's the linking verbs as well as the structure of the sentence that is greatly affecting the overall presentation of the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - In some societies, fashion is becoming more and more important [6]

HI Rere, here's my take on the second and the third part your argument.

2nd paragraph
- In today society life ,
- forin buying more fashionable clothes.
- pay higher cost
- ofa designers for a
- whichthat suitsto - the best clotheapparel is important

3rd paragraph
- There are some positives effects
- of being fashionable in aour daily life.
- Firstly , people will be
- more confidenceconfident by wearing
- This is because they evidentlychoose to be
- comfortable with their dress.
- Moreover, people will be braverit boosts their confidence in
- showing up in front of many people,
- people will experience theira daily pursuit optimisticallyof being optimistic .

There you have it Rere, still a lot of work to be done, however, you are taking each time to learn from your pervious work and this is just great.

Good job on that and keep writing.

Graduate / Energy Efficiency: Statement of Objectives for masters in microsystems engineering [4]

Murilo, as much as I loved reading your essay with it's easy to understand techniques on explaining micro systems engineering, I must say this is quiet a long essay for a statement of purpose or an SOP.

Remember, an SOP is focused on your purpose of pursuing this field and in doing so, you have to elaborate the highlight of your academic background, the achievements and how you manage to build a firm decision in taking this field to a higher challenge. Moreover, what I would like to have eliminated or reduced rather in your essay is the part where you spoke about the details of your scholarship and the time you spent in Penn State, yes this is well worth of mention as it is needed in order to build the basis of your pursuit, however, you can limit the information in order to keep additional details to yourself and once needed, you will have something that the admission staff don't have.

I believe in an overall perspective, you were able to come up with a well written essay, just a few corrections and modifications such as suggested above from one of our contributors should help.

I hope to read your final revision soon.

Writing Feedback / People should be allowed to work as long as they want? Agree or disagree [6]

Hi Adeel, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family.
Thank you for trusting us to provide you with accurate and objective feedback on your writing project.

Here's a few additional insights to your essay.

- Living in the 21st century
- where the world has
- are every happeningis a very constant phenomenon.
- In this modern world, present day conditions, the( this phrase is not necessary ) The flexibility
- requirement's is ain dire need.

- longer limitizedlimited and restricted
- continue to do his/her job,
- he/hershe is from.
- any full stop to the age consideration .
- As in present day examples around usW e see people
- as old as 80,years are working and proficiently
- in many different areas, either the government,

There you have it Adeel, I hope you find the corrections above to be helpful and even more useful to the revision of your essay. What you need to work on is the construction of your sentences, the idea is in your head, however, expressing it is quiet difficult and this needs a lot of practice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Competitive or Cooperative? Is competition the key to survive? [3]

Hi Febriyani, here's some additional remarks to your writing practice.

- In summaryconclusion ( I think this is more appropriate in this part of the essay ) ,
- while to compete is a part
- of eachour human nature,
- with each other due
- to the matter of fact that
- theywe are social beings.
- tasks in the up-coming periodcoming challenges in their lives .

There you have it Febriyani, you are now left with the body of the essay for you to modify. I hope the suggested corrections help you in coming up with a stronger essay. Remember, this suggestions are done with the hopes of letting you see the difference of your essay from its original version to your final revision. Should you need further assistance, do let us know, we will be here to assist you.

Research Papers / Prescription Drugs: Advertise and Regulate [2]

Casey, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find our feedback to be credible and valuable to your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the most useful tips and valuable criticisms that will hopefully serve as your guiding path toward gaining further writing techniques to effectively answer the prompts and other writing tasks.

What I love the most about your paper is the fact that you were able to provide the meanings of the words that are not usual to the regular reader. Moreover, you were able to give scientific notes a more elaborate effort in explaining not only the meaning but also its use to the scientific world. As much as we can, we tend to avoid drugs, we want to be healthy all the time, but come to think of it, drugs are there to support us, lengthen our existence and strengthen our resistance to diseases, of course, this goes hand in hand with prescription and taking it in full moderation and guidance of a health professional.

There you have it Casey, overall, it's a well written paper, I believe you just need to highlight the sequence of the paper in bold notes such as the introduction, the gathering of information, etc., and if you can write the citations alongside the information extracted from its source, this way, the reader will easily pick up the source of the information.

Research Papers / A research paper about JFK's assasination - Israel involved? [2]

Hi Gizem, first of all I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website credible and useful to your writing projects. We strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback and valuable notes that will hopefully enhance your essay towards the revision.

Upon noticing the topic a hand, I can't help but notice how heavy this topic can be and how you should be very careful in putting information and including not only relevant but also pertinent noted to the paper. As I read along, however, I must say that you did gather a good amount of data and information to back up this paper, the only thing is, I don't see the citations, therefore, I will not know how credible this information is. You see, this is why the source of information or the citations is very important in creating a research paper.

I understand that this may be a draft, however, it is a good practice to treat each and every work as a final work or project, this way we can review the project as a a whole paper. Further to your grammar, its not "grammer", your spell checker will definitely help at this point, your sentence construction is not bad at all. The only thing you have to work on is the sequence of your ideas and the source of your information.

Writing Feedback / Many advertisements are greatly exaggerated, thus, causing some untruths in the products [3]

HI Teck, after reading your essay, I tried to recall how your writing technique had improved in each writing task that you tackle. I love the fact that you are playing with different and varied words that truly depict the ideas that you would like your readers to read.

In this essay, I must say that you made your argument known to your readers to comprehend, you were able to gently write the ideas as well as the sequence thoroughly in your essay and this is a very good approach towards getting better at this craft.

Moreover, you made sure that the examples you cited in the essay is very relevant, current and true to what is happening in todays world and commercial businesses. Indeed, advertisements play a big role in the decision making of a consumer and with this effect, sometimes we compromise the needs and go for our wants.

I hope the insights help and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Competitive or Cooperative? Is competition the key to survive? [3]

Hi Febriyani, as I read through your essay, I don't think that you got lost in the process of writing your ideas and in creating a good essay, what happens in your essay is that, you tend or try too hard to use words that are somehow not necessary anymore to the essay. Somehow, the sentences are already good, then what you do, you try to include words that you think will do good to the essay, however, what it does is, it confuses the readers and the overall outcome of the ideas in the essay.

To elaborate this findings, please find the corrections below;

- this fast-phased changes era. ( or you can say - fast phase environment )
- muchmore helpful to mingle
- faster within society. Both, both have
- been discussed by people, especially by parents( this phrase is not necessary )
- , sincefor years to
- tofor their own kids.
- However, although I agree that
- for their childrens
- lifelives in the future,. ( you can end this statement and start a new one )
- I personally I believe that, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) being cooperative
- to the up-coming generationskids future .

There you have it Febriyani, I hope the corrections help and do let us know should you need further assistance. I wish you follow through with the corrections and do the same for the rest of the essay.

Letters / Cam, the leader. A scholarship essay on leadership characteristics. [3]

Hi Juan, first of all, your essay is very entertaining, it's like reading a short story with a very visible and predictive ending, of course, lessons learned are very evident too.

Now, as it is a scholarship essay and you have a word count, I say you stick to a lower count of words, however, make sure that all the ideas that you would like to send across is well elaborated in your essay. Base on experience, there are a number of applications being passed through the admission panel each day and what you don't want to miss is that few minutes of their time to read and analyze your worth for the scholarship.

As mentioned, as much as entertained as I am, I suggest that you eliminate unnecessary story telling technique in this scholarship essay and go direct to the point, tackle the three leadership characteristics that you value the most and cite an example for each of them, however, avoid the lengthy elaboration of events.

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - "Does Technology Make Us More Alone or More Connected to the World?" Comments? [3]

Hi Michael, well, you hoped that your readers enjoy reading the essay and I must say, I did enjoy reading it, I was fascinated with how you manage to input different techniques to capture your readers attention.

Pretty much, you practiced the art of forming a "what's next?", sort of question in every paragraph that you create in your essay.

As argumentative as you would like your essay to be, I would like to say, you made your point known to your readers and you manage to entertain as well as educate your readers as to what social media and technology in general can do to our lives.

There you have it Michael, I hope my insights helped and encourage you to keep writing and be enthusiastic in creating well- worth- a- read essays. Keep writing.

Research Papers / Essay about the roles of education in reducing juvenile delinquency. [3]

Hi Sangho, let me WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website helpful as much as useful to your writing tasks. We aim to provide credible feedbacks and the most accurate criticisms that will hopefully enhance your writing project and create a stronger article.

Now, upon reading the first few paragraphs of the paper, I must say that the sentence construction needs a lot of polishing, what I do when confronted with this type of difficulty, I read the sentences out loud, usually when something sounds off, there is something to be fixed in that area of the sentence and I believe it is a very effective way to spot the sentences that needs revision.

Moreover, the flow of ideas in the paper are directly affected by the inconsistency of the sentences that makes up the paragraph. One way to polish this is to follow the guidelines in writing a research paper and I mean to strictly follow it. The introduction, should be followed by examples and meanings, the body should showcase your ideas and gathered information that is relevant to the essay, lastly, your conclusion should create an overall picture of the task at hand and there you have it, a research paper that flows smoothly as your reader reads along.

Undergraduate / 'Pursuing a degree in Physical Therapy was never my first choice' SOP for Applying to PT school [3]

Hi Kaitlyn, indeed, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family!

Now, when it comes to your SOP, I must say it's quiet long and a lot of unnecessary information. An SOP should highlight your desire, utmost interest in pursuing you studies and in this case your college degree.

Obviously, you started pretty strong in your essay in this SOP, however, towards the second and the third paragraph, there are informations that is not necessary at all to the essay. Remember, this essay should only, as much as possible, include the achievements, the highlights and the important aspects of your academic pursuit.

Moreover, the essay should only witness the improvements you would like the admission staff to know about your academic background and why you would like to take on this challenge of applying to a PT inclined institution. I'm not saying you have to delete all of the second and third paragraph, you just have to limit the information you include in your SOP.

Research Papers / Sexual Predators in the Classrooms - the phenomenon of pedophilia in schools [3]

Hi Aiesha, indeed WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family!

Now, your research has been a well read one for me, you were able to come up with a well informed paper, what I suggest however, is for you to be able to input your citations alongside the information you have extracted from your source.

What I liked most about your essay is the fact that you are able to provide useful information and meaning to each and every word that is not so normal in a daily conversation, also, you made sure that the sequence of information is not overwhelming the paper, this way, your readers will be able to digest the paper first before proceeding to the next paragraph.

There you have it Aiesha, I hope my insights helped.
Overall, it's a well written and polished paper, just a few suggested modification as above should make your paper even stronger.

Writing Feedback / Health Concerns and the Zika Virus [3]

Hi Becky, I believe this writing tasks is more of a research paper, I hope I'm right, anyway, for an essay, it's quiet long, however, the information you stated is very relevant to the topic. You made sure that the points are current and is well elaborated in the essay, moreover, you were able to include details that are necessary for the reader to comprehend and know exactly what they are reading and how this particular virus will affect the environment and the people around it.

Furthermore, I believe the essay flowed smoothly, the sequence of the information is well placed in a way that is very accurate to the needed level of comprehension.

Now, should this be a research task, you will be needing the citations in order to back up your informations source, it would be advisable to write it side by side the information that you have extracted from your source.

If it is a general essay, then you will be just fine.