Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]


Yes, that is good, but this should include some mention of the process -- which may have occurred during a particular season of a particular year -- when you developed this interest. Also, the reason -- coziness -- is sort of abstract and not very intellectual. How about adjusting it so that it is related to the field of study you are excited about?


With this part, it is hard to say exactly what seems wrong. I agree with Susan that the word "truly" seems out of place, but I think it has more to do with "constantly" --- "truly"... adverbs are weeds in the garden of your writing.

And it is... oh! I know why... "truly" is extra! Superfluous. I know it has meaning for you, but the reader sees it as a word that does not apply to anything. It will be a stronger sentence to just say:

constantly challenge what I believe.

Anyway, this stuff is no big deal! You write very well. However the reason you give for choosing this school is too abstract; I just wrote something about it in another of your posts.

:-)

Graduate / TOEFL:There are a lot of people who dream to get two things in their lives, money and success [3]

And Most of these people are confused about the difference between having a lot of money and being successful. Money and success are extremely different from each other. The fact that people someone earns a lot of money does not mean that he or she is successful.


I think Plotophyte is only talking about that sentence above. The essay does make a lot of sense even though there are mistakes.

They are successful people because their proposal is important for the humanity. They can save a lot of lives and help a lot of people to survive. We can say that they are not successful because they do not earn a lot of money.

Lastly, there are other people who effectively earn a lot of money and are successful at the same time. But this success is not related to the money they earn but related to another thing. As an example, t he president of the country can earn a lot of ...

His success does not have a relationship with the money that he earns but with the decisions he makes to improve his country forward and help the citizens to have a good life in this country.--- excellent idea!! Good sentence.

Some people think that the people who earn a lot of money are successful because they can buy whatever they want.

to earn ---> and ---> be
It is wonderful to earn a lot of money and be successful at the same time. However , we have to understand that earning a lot of money can not absolutely reflect success but that success can lead in most cases to earn a lot of money.

Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

The one about physics is impressive!
For this one, I recommend:
...see myself becoming a professor of _______ and _________. --- that will make it more specific, a better read for the reader, and more impressive because of your clear vision for the future.

The last one is no good!! :-) It is to abstract. I mean, obviously I might be wrong. It might resonate perfectly with the person who will read this. But I think it is too abstract! How about a solid reason for wanting this school. To me, it seems the only admirable reason for wanting a particular school is that it is somehow better than other schools for helping you achieve YOUR specific vision for the future. How will this school be better than another one?

Writing Feedback / the effects of stress (cause and effect paper) [11]


One might be dealing with a difficult situation in their life, which leads the person to start thinking of reasons why it happened.

It's tough when you say "One ---> their" because their is plural.
It's tough also when you say "Someone ---- their"
For good writing style, you might want to say:
One might be dealing with a difficult situation in his or her life, which leads the person to start a process of thinking about reasons why it happened.

I just took out some words above and made a slight change.

Down here, I'll just take a word out, too. Sometimes less is more:
No matter the age, everybody deals with some type of stress in their life.

This has to be one big sentence:
Considering everybody deals with puzzling matters everyday, st ress leads to many negative effects that could be either short or long-termed.

Major short-term effects of stress is are (or "include") moodiness, depression, muscle tension, separation from others, and certain sicknesses.

When the body keeps changing and dealing is continuously exposed to the same stressor it is the persistent long-term stress.

:-)

Speeches / Keynote Address/ Speech to Foundation Trustees to Public School District. [2]


What do you mean?


Well, you o too much pandering at the start. I like the "drivers of this large machine," but end the flattery there. Get right to your point.

I am having trouble discerning your point. Can you express it in a single sentence? If so, that sentence should occur near the beginning of the essay. Let's see you capture your main point in a single sentence. I have to score this low on a sscale of one to ten if the score is based on the clarity of your point.

...practically the drivers of this large machine.

It is not only important only to me, individually, or to my future, but also important society's health in general.

weather whether

Each student is as significant... as important ... No, we are important even when we do nothing at alll. :-)

Each student's process is as consequential as his/her potential ability to do something productive.

Exponential times? I don't know if that works...

1: I need help transitioning from this thought to the next talking about how my teacher identified my potential and helped me stay motivated. Something short and sweet.

This would be a good place to restate your main idea again. You need to say it in a few different ways throughout the essay.

2:Do I need help transitioning here too when i start talking about my project?

no, it's clear.

3: Right word? subsequent?

nah, it's too much. Just take it out. Also, look it up. It means "coming after."

5: Do i need this sent?

6: Need the word "And" ?

Don't need it.

7: Need a concluding sentence that ties this paragraph together. Maybe something like how my education has been great and how i plan to be responsible.

again, capture your "takeaway" message in a single sentence.

Good luck!!! Thanks so much for all the people you help here!

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]


Yes, they sure are. So, you say spaces ARE counter as characters.

Does anyone agree or disagree? Thanks Randy!!

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [105]

Yes, just post your question in the category called FAQ and HELP.

In fact, I'll move this thread to tat section right now. What do you want to know? Thanks for being here, writing with us! Kind regards,

Writing Feedback / GRE issue 153 skepticism in studying [5]


Ha ha, it's in the lower right corner of every post, and you can click on member names to get to know them or help with their essays. thanks for participating here!!! :-D

Book Reports / Solid arguments for Stone Angel Essay [2]

Well, let me ask you this: can you think of an example of loss leading to awareness from the story? Write a sentence about it. follow that up with a sentence of elaboration/explanation. Next comes a sentence with an example or quote. Finish the paragraph with a conclusion sentence that reflects on the implications of what you just said or transitions into the next paragraph.

Do this for 3 different examples of loss leading to awareness, and you have your body paragraphs. Each begins with a topic sentence.


This seems like a bad idea. Who wants to read a paragraph that is so long? Who wants to read a 5 paragraph essay that spans 5-6 pages? This seems like a strange assignment, and there are too many rules.

Anyway, your argument is going to come from the 3 points you make (one point per topic sentence). Form an argument based on examples from the story. The argument you make will tell something about the mechanisms that are at work as loss leads to awareness.

Think about this:
If loss leads to awareness, does that mean gain leads to lack-of-awareness?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:A person' childhood years are the most important years of a person's life [3]

Great job, Sabuhi, thanks!!!


I think this correction is great, but it might be a misundersanding of what was really meant.

The child at this age has only one thing to do, and that is receiving. The children receive the love and tenderness of their parents. --- I think this is the intended meaning.

If a child does not get those feelings at this age, the impact of those feeling will not be the same during other periods of the life.--- very good point!!

Secondly, in the childhood the child can learn how to be a responsible person.
Thus, the parents must take advantage of this period and boost the intelligence of their children.---- this is another excellent sentence!

The years of the childhood are the most important years of a person's life. In these years there are is a lot to do to get create a good person full of love, a sense of responsibility, and intelligence .

:-)

Dissertations / Need to decide topic of dissertation Mtech Computer Science [11]

Awesome, Mayank! I'm glad you were here. This is not a subject I am good at.

However, i want to ask Shazia: Are you sure you are studying what you want to study? You are not supposed to have to brainstorm research ideas. You are supposed to have lots of research ideas because they are interesting to you. It is supposed to be like this:

You become passionate about a field of study, and you want to research lots of aspects of it. Therefore, you enter a graduate program to master the field.

If you are in the program but have no ideas, you might not be passionate about this field. I hope you don't mind me challenging you this way.

Do the topics suggested by Mayank help you?

Undergraduate / something about military - Rice Perspective Essay [5]

The majority were --- can't say "majority were"

The majority consisted of kids like me, bright-eyed and straight out of high school , but a few were older, edging into their late twenties and early thirties.

This part below has a verb tense problem:
I had decided to enlist nine months earlier during my senior year of high school. I had been far from ...---- because you have to keep the tenses consistent.

But I think you should get rid of all this:
I had decided to enlist nine months earlier during my senior year of high school. I was far from an exemplary student.... --- especially that part about "failed to apply myself." It's not a good excuse, and not impressive in any way. It's an overused cliche.

I had decided to enlist nine months earlier during my senior year of high school. My imprudent attitude resulted in a mediocre GPA with a class ranking near the 50th percentile -- a far cry from my performance in middle school, where I had been a honor roll student at the head of my class.---- I needed to use a dash to put the incomplete sentence together as part of the previous sentence.

Cut out as many unnecessary and self-criticizing sentences as you can. Make room to write more about how you see yourself interacting with people on campus and in classes... the contribution you will make.

:-)

Essays / Cause and effect essay ideas? [9]


Good point Tarrenjp! Thanks for participating here. I'm going to go take another look at your essay...

Undergraduate / About me, Pakistan summers [3]

Yes, this is good writing. I am starting to think that people who are good writers are still good writers even when affected by language barriers.

Here is the way I think ages are usually written:
fourteen year-old
It is nice to have a hyphen between year and old, because it adds some aesthetic detail to the text.

Because you are an excellent writer, I want to share an idea that is not a rule but is interesting and useful: Let the reader do as much work as possible. For example:

It was a hot afternoon of June, 1998, in Jhelum, Pakistan, a place where the normal temperature recorded around this time of year is as high as 115 Fahrenheit degrees. Everything seemed to be melting with the heat waves. I crossed off the second sentence, because it says the same thing as the first sentence. The reader might not have a lot of time or attention to invest, so make every sentence count, and bring them to that crucial point at the end of the first paragraph, where they will pause for a moment to reflect on the direction you seem to be going with the essay.

So, when I say "let the reader do as much work as possible," I mean "Show, don't tell" and I also mean "don't waste any sentences." The reader's mind is restless, so plant that image of a hot afternoon and then move on to complete the paragraph. Modern people need bite sized portions because of their short attention spans.

Again, this is just an idea and certainly not always necessary. But... I just think it's interesting: The opposite of redundant is subtle.

Great job!

Scholarship / role of women changing in lifetime, Why should i be awarded this scholarship? [3]


It is not surprising that you have trouble with this topic, because you are going to have to write all about why you deserve something... which is an unusual and self-centered thing to have to do!

However, you must do it, so find a way. What would impress you if you were the reader? Interestingly, you mentioned that you are good at writing essays about things like "what changes will take place regarding the role of women," and you could actually make this a subject for your essay:

If I am awarded this scholarship, I will be empowered to carry out my plan to create opportunities for professional women.

Nothing in the world is comparable to enrolling into a prestigious institution of higher education.--- this is a reason you want the scholarship, not a reason you deserve it.

Since childhood, I have always been a pupil of great potential and academic ability. Learning something new each day would always fascinate me, and I would constantly enjoy the times of reading a book under a tree, in my backyard, to my younger brother Steve.---- yes, nevermind all this. It is not impressive yet.

I think you should devise a life plan and describe it. Tell them that the scholarship will help to actualize your plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Attending summits' - Georgetown Summer School Program [8]

At these summits, I learned how to utilize my inner voice, but more importantly, I learned what it means to take the initiative and to follow my dreams. Because these programs were relatively short (what do you mean? they did not last long?), I hope Georgetown can give me a different perspective.

Whether it is an individual cell or an entire ecosystem, biology, simply put, is the study of life. The reader knows what biology is. Don't state the obvious.

But to me, biology is also the link between the mystery and certainty of life. ----- good sentence! But you need to add another sentence after it to explainw hat you mean.

If you specify particular subjects of study WITHIN th field of biology, such as marine biology or microbiology or evolutionary biology or human anatomy, etc... you will sound more serious and focused.

Writing Feedback / Sharuk Khan! He is my favorite hero. [6]

Entertainment is such a powerful medium because of which a person in any condition can manage to be happy for a while. --- this is a nice sentence!!

You can write "every worry" or "all worries" but not "every worries"
During While watching movies, he forgets every worry he is facing in his stressful life. Entertainer has very difficult job to make people get involve with them.

That may be in forms of singing, comedy and acting.

If I would get an opportunity to meet a famous personality then I would like...

Now capitalize his name:
... to meet Sharuk Khan.

He is one of the famous personalities from India and the richest person; still, he has strong incentive to work whole day and night.

Secondly, he is a good person by nature, someone who respects all human regardless of whether someone is rich or poor.

To sum up with, I like to meet sharuk khan because he is a hard working, determinant, good actor and good human being by nature.

:-)

Essays / Critique for My thesis - Animals do have rights [7]

Animals do should have rights and protections. Even though they cannot speak to us, or tell us in any way that they do or do not wish to be involved with experiments, that does not mean we should be able to impose it on the, because they are still living creatures and deserve to have rights, similar to those of human beings. in the same respect.

This thesis is a little too simple. I don't think anyone would disagree with this argument. In order to make an arguable thesis, you could argue that all experimentation involving animals should be banned completely. Would you agree with this, even if it meant we would not use animals to try to find cures for diseases that kill humans?

Make a thesis statement that some people would disagree with. No one would disagree with the statement that animals are not being given any rights, but they might disagree if you argue that no experimentation involving animals should be allowed.


I see, I did not notice that I was talking to 2 different people! :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE issue 153 skepticism in studying [5]

As students often get confused or misled in the pursuing of knowledge, some people point out that instead of accepting information unquestioningly students should scrutinize whatever they are taught with skepticism. Though I do not fully agree with it, I do think this view gives light to our current problems in school education.

It is through skeptical thinking and thorough analysis that many discoveries and conceptions in history are corrected by later people. --- great sentence!! Start a new sentence: Without skeptical thinking and analysis, there would be no real advances in pursuing truth.

Second, skeptical thinking processes exercise students' brains to improve their judgment and ability to distinguish right from wrong, which is indispensable to an independent thinker.

...think more completely by taking many possible factors into consideration . in their decision.

:-)

Book Reports / analysis on the plot of "the lottery" feedback?! [2]

While reading the "The Lottery," a person is able to tell that the story line is full of tension and suspense , because s/he is wondering what is going to happen next.--- is this your thesis statement? You put this sentence at the end of paragraph one, so it makes me think the whole essay is going to be about this tension and suspense.

Yes, as I continue to read, I see that this is indeed what the essay is about. good job! But the thesis statement could be more focused, more specific. You could add one more sentence to the intro para and one more sentence to the conclusion para if you wanted to "sharpen" the thesis and make it more specific.

When you write about a story, you should write in the present verb tense:
The entire Hutchinson family is to gather around the black box in the center of all the village people. A second drawing is about to happen, and this is when the reader find outs who receives the paper with the black dot.

You should go through the essay and change all your sentences about events in the story so that you describe the events in the present tense.

If you are not sure what I mean, google this: book report "present tense"

:-)

Undergraduate / essay on Myself -- characteristics, ambition, school [5]

This should be easy. You ca think of it as several small tasks.

First write a sentence about your characteristics. Then, add some more sentences and give examples so that it becomes a whole paragraph.

Second, do the same thing for your supporters.
Keep going, giving one paragraph for each word.

Give a paragraph for each, and then go back to the beginning and write an introduction. You can do it!

If you post it here, we'll help you make it perfect.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay -250words - Technology Progression has a negative impact on us? [2]

You write almost perfectly.
I want to tell you, though that your first paragraph seems incomplete. It should have another sentence added -- a sentence that tells whether or not you think technology has a negative impact on us. It is usually good for paragraphs to have at least 4 sentences when you write an essay.

As a consequence of that, the amount of harmful emissions has increased dramatically, causing the global warming as well as changing the environment worldwide.

From my perspective, the progression of technology has brought many benefits to our society.

Yet, it also has some disadvantages with which we have to learn how to cope. I disagree with the statement that technology has a negative impact, because the benefits of technology outweigh the drawbacks.

If nuclear weapons cause the whole human race to become extinct, you might change your mind and agree with the statement! :-)

:-)

Undergraduate / 'ALL INDIA RANK' - NUS ADMISSION - talent, a personal experience or an activity [7]


I don't know the answer to this, so I asked in the "student talk" forum:

I don't think it's necessary to delete the part about your parents being scientists. I just think the word "hence" seems smug, and that it seems to hurt your credibility. Instead of saying, hence, I am interested in science, you can write a sentence about how their work fascinated you and made you want to learn.

Good luck!!

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

Do character limits in online applications include spaces?

Hello, someone asked this, and I don't know how to answer. In your online applications with character limits, does the maximum number of characters usually include spaces or not?

Thanks!!!

Writing Feedback / GRE issue 48 History is like a puzzle [4]

Yeah, your sentences seem complex, like sentences used in formal writing. I notice that you are good at varying your sentence structure.

Bing this: varying sentence structure

This is great, because language seems to be a strength for you.

Undergraduate / Common application: why tranfer? Desire to study in the US [4]

Sometimes you should try to find ways to take out unnecessary phrases:
The last three years of my life have been really tough for me and, in a way, enlightening.
I got rid of for me and put a comma on each side of in a way.

And in this sentence you do not need "along with them":
In the summer of 2007 my family and along with them I moved to Turkey, my motherland.---- sometimes, even though a phrase adds a little to the sentence, it is not worth the extra words you make the reader have to read.

If you use "the reason being," it has to be a continuation of the previous sentence, the reason being that it will form an incomplete sentence if you use it on its own. So, use a comma:

Also I soon realized that the bioengineering program at ITU wasn't for me, the main reason being that the bioengineering program is very new here at ITU. So the program is not very well established yet...

Nice job! You are obviously very intelligent. I bet they will accept you!

Undergraduate / My Mother - describe a person who has had an influence in you [5]

'If a person stumbles, he must pick himself up and keep going.' --- the sentence ends right here. Don't just add a comma and keep typing. New sentence:

This meaningful sentence is not from a poet, and neither is it from someone famous, but instead it is from an ordinary , strong-willed woman.

If you put 2 sentences togethr as a compound sentence, use a conjunction like "and" or "but":
All parts of her body were badly burnt, and she has had to go undergo operations to recover her looks as much as possible.

If you put 2 sentences together without a conjunction, you can use a semi-colon:
Instances of students or businessmen committing suicide appear in newspaper occasionally; t hey end their lives because of small setbacks.

:-)

Essays / Is the United States ready for a female president [12]

I want to believe that answer to this question is "yes," because ...

Above, I used " " marks around the answer. Also, I put a comma after "yes," because this is a compound sentence, and the 2nd half of it begins after "yes."

...if we look back in 1920, women in the United States finally were given the right to vote with the passage of the 19th amendment.--- this is not a reason to think a woman can be elected. I know what you mean, though. You mean that you believe the answer is yes because of the fact that so much progress has been made during this century.

In conclusion, America is ready for a great government, lead by a great President, regardless of skin color or gender. ----- good sentence!!

The media should back off and "let the chips fall where they may. This is not relevant to the rest of the essay. Don't start talking about the media here. Save it for a different essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / duke supplement essay: discuss why duke is a good match for you [3]


This does not quite work, because you don't give a reason why you would think it's a bad idea -- just an un-considered idea.

Capitalize Internet.

Capitalize Duke.

I had taken the best option.
I had made the best decision.
I don't think you "take" a decision.

Nice ending!! How about a little more about what you want to study at Duke, what career you want to prepare for?

:-)

Graduate / Law School personal Statement-A Chance to Make Amends [4]

I waited for them to give me the answers I sought, to the questions I sought ; they never came.

That thing about looking up answers is sort of over-used. It is actually sort of boring. I'm sorry! It is just that... this thing where adults tell kids to look up answers is something we hear about a lot, so it is probably the same for admissions readers. Still, it is possible to change the theme of that paragraph while keeping the essay the same.

Whenever you have a compound sentence like this, use a comma:
My grades weren't as good as they should have been, and the longer I stayed in school, the more it felt as if my parents were losing their faith in me.

To enhance your law career, read Strunk & White's Elements of Style.

Placed in the right environment, I have the ability to be a renowned leader. ---- renowned is not the right word here, because it is all about recognition, which is superficial.

This is a great essay, for sure. I was hard pressed to find those criticisms I made. I do advise making it shorter, though. Say what you have to say in fewer words whenever possible. Streamline the long thing.

Letters / English career Course -- resume and cover letter [6]


Well, in response to that kind of challenge, the answer usually is to include things that you can present as having been more significant than they actually were.

For example, under education you can include special trainings provided by jobs, CPR/First Aid, instructor certification for various extracurricular things, etc.

For "other skills" you can include just about anything relevant to the job for which you are applying, even if you are not extremely skillful -- just a little skill and a lot of potential are okay.

"Experience" could be divided into "Professional Experience" and other categories of experience.

Dig deep and find things that would look impressive but that you did not include! Think of each year of your life since high school began.

Undergraduate / "getting out of my own way", How to answer college app essay questions? [7]


This looks like a thesis statement for the essay, but it does not talk about the reasons for deficiency or the reasons you will do better this time. I think you should ad one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Right after this sentence (above), give a sentence that names the factors that caused you to struggle and names the factor that is going to make you succeed this time. It will be good if you say you are sure to succeed because you have changed your life situation and are ready to get a new start with plenty of time reserved for studying each week. This is part of the central focus of the essay, so it should be part o the introduction paragraph.

:-)

Essays / Critique for My thesis - Animals do have rights [7]

It is an old technique following me through whole life from the very beginning of my educational way.
I would change this way:
It is an old technique that I have kept with me (it has not followed you; you kept it) throughout my whole life, from the very beginning of my educational process .

When you write a thesis sentence, it has to be something that is worth saying. If you are writing about this technique, you are probably writing about why it is so useful and important. So, you could write those sentences above as the sentences of your introduction paragraph, nd at the end add a thesis statement:

It is an old technique that I have kept with me (it has not followed you; you kept it) throughout my whole life, from the very beginning of my educational process . My technique of studying all options from the same level is useful because it helps me to consider all my options, enables me to guard against mistakes, and helps me to put the whole issue into perspective.

Then, you can have one body paragraph for each of those three:

para #1
My technique of studying all options from the same level helps me to consider all my options, because ...

para#2
My technique enables me to guard against mistakes, in the sense that...

para #3
My technique also helps me to put the whole issue into perspective. I think about the "big picture" when I...

In this essay, the thesis sentence is worth saying, because it explains this technique.
However, your other thesis (Animals do have rights when being used for experimentation) is not very strong because it is so obvious. No one would disagree with you, so it is not a good thesis. If you are making an argument, you have to have a thesis someone might disagree with. Google this:

thesis statement arguable

Writing Feedback / Going overseas for university study [5]

Naeem, when you start a thread, please use words that tell what the essay is about.


Aisha, I really like the way you simplified this sentence. In order to help with the practice of English, I'll show an alternative, too. Here is another way to make that sentence work, Naeem. See below:

We cannot deny to the fact that it studying abroad has both advantages and disadvantages.

Another mistake I found is this:
On the other hand some students my find it difficult living away from their homes ...
You should use the word "might."

I might go to the show.
I my go to the show.
I might accidentally use the word "my" instead of "might" because they sound the same.
I my use the wrong word.
I might use the wrong word.

...and families in a totally different culture and among different people.

:-)

Graduate / TOEFL: Why do people visit museums? Curiosity [5]

Hey Azamat, I see you helping a lot of people lately!

es, this has few errors! So, because of the high skill level, we should give feedback about style and rhythm, etc.

Like... this---> prompts them to look beyond the world visible to them . --- too much "them."
...prompts them to look beyond the what is apparent and readily visible. world visible to them.

Use a comma both before and after an extra phrase like this:
Mark Twain, a very prominent author, has mentioned...
When you add an "extra" phrase like this, you should have a comma on both sides.

When you mention a book title, use italics instead of " " marks:
... in his book Innocent Abroad: "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness."

Use a comma to separate the 2 parts of a compound sentence:
Museums are a great source to learn about the past, and the importance of history cannot be over-emphasized.
Google this: what is a compound sentence

source resource

Also, here is a rule called number agreement. If you have museum-----resource, that is okay, but you have "museums" you should have "resources,"

Museums are a great resources for learning about the past, and the importance of history cannot be over-emphasized.
google this: number agreement grammar

Nice job!!!

Writing Feedback / GRE issue 48 History is like a puzzle [4]

History is like a puzzle, with so many sides and hidden lines that all determine the compelling and disputable feature of history.
I don't really like "sides and hidden lines" but I do like the hidden lines part. I just don't like the "sides" part. an you think of something better?

People's various interpretations of a period of history never cease to differ from one another, and the famous few always remain the heat subjects of discussion in past and present. While some may question whether the famous few are paid undue attention by the study of history, for groups of people that be left unnamed are, in fact, the true heroes.

I believe the development of history has already given its answer; the focus never and should not change.--- this sentence is unclear! Maybe you are trying to write something that is very abstract. Maybe you mean to say that records of history are meaningful and good even though they are flawed.

Never is it easy to gain the support of the public as they had to first work against ...

Considering about the perilous social environment, how brave and intelligent was Martin Luther King to give such a sensational and inspiring speech before...

In brief, though the process of human society is achieved by the joint efforts of groups of people, the influences of certain key individuals can never be over-emphasid in the study of history. judging their own These people are important because of their compelling personal charm and examples of human merits.

Your way of writing is very interesting. You write with a complex style, just like writers of good literature, but you make mistakes that show that you are bilingual and learning English as a second language. Your style is really interesting to me! I think you must be reading a lot of English literature as your way of learning the language. Is that right?

:-)

Essays / How to get started? What interests have come to you [3]


I hope your interests and your career goals correspond to one another. If you can't write about them together, something might be wrong.

I don't mean that you should be getting a career that involves the things you like to do now, but I do think a relationship exists between the you of today and the you of 2018.

For example, if you like video games now but want to be a lawyer, these 2 things may be related. It might be that you like the precision and focus necessary in both the practice of law and the playing of first person shooter games.

Remember, there is a difference between what you want to DO and what you want to BE. I might want to BE a heroic soldier, but I might not want to actually do what soldiers do. Dig deep for this one, and see what theme your life is taking on. It will change over time, but it is there already.

I suspect that they don't mean career particularly or right now particularly. They want an inspired essay that proves you have the ability to reflect on your own thought process and life goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'ALL INDIA RANK' - NUS ADMISSION - talent, a personal experience or an activity [7]

Don't capitalize Scientists here.
Both my parents are scientists , working in R & D aerospace laboratories. Hence, science has fascinated me all through my school learning, with inquisitiveness for deeper knowledge on how different machines work.----- this logic seems faulty. The fact that your parents work in aerospace labs does not necessarily mean you will be fascinated. The word hence implies that it follows naturally that you would be fascinated. I guess I think you should take an approach that does not suggest that you feel like your parents' work somehow makes you better prepared than other applicants. If I was the AO reader, I would scrutinize you a little because of this. You know what?! I think the word "hence" is what I don't like! Try revising without the word hence! :-) I'm sorry I can't explain what I mean very well.

This essay includes too many points. If I asked you to tell me what the essay was about in a single sentence of 10 words or less, what would the sentence be? Make sure it is an interesting sentence! When you know that sentence, you'll know the focus and theme of your essay. When you know those things, you will know what to cut; cut what does not support your theme for the essay.

Is your theme unwavering focus? leadership? fascination with science? a particular kind of innovative design? You need one big theme that will stick in the reader's mind. Express it at the beginning and also at the end of the essay.

:-)

Graduate / 'the family is the real winner' - Toefl: playing game is fun only when we win [3]

Azamat, I really appreciate the good work you are doing here lately. Thanks!!
djanat, do you notice that Azamat removed the word "the" before "happiness?" We don't usually need to use the word the before "happiness." It is one of those norms in English that make English so hard to learn.

Your writing is very clear and easy to understand, despite some errors.

One important suggestion I would like to make is that you should use paragraphs. Google this:
how to write good paragraphs
And google this:
how to write good topic sentences

:-)

Writing Feedback / Life in symmetry - Essay. [2]

You have a verb tense problem at the beginning. You can do this:
Today, I spent almost two hours trimming the hedges and doing other gardening stuff. After I finished, I liked the...
or you can do this:
Today, I spend almost two hours trimming the hedges and doing other gardening stuff. After I finish, I like the change I notice in my garden. But then I wonder what...

What really pleased me was the symmetry----- yes, we do love symmetry, don't we?! We love order... tiled floors, for example. And we love rhythm.

In that last paragraph, it will help if you tell how you mean the word "soul."

:-) great observations, here! This is what essays are supposed to be used for, I think.