Letters / English career Course -- resume and cover letter [6]

Thanks, Azamat, for the work you did here!

Tim, here are some more ideas... a hyphen here and no "as":
I wish to apply the above-mentioned position in your company as to fulfill practical training requirement by the university.

Sometimes people write "so as to [fulfill a requirement]" and I think that would be okay, too.

For your information, I will be graduating on the May of 2011. I don't think it is good to say "for your information," because it is such a cliche and so unnecessary.

It'll be good, Tim, if you develop each paragraph by letting the first sentence state the topic of the pragraph and then using 2 more sentences to explain and give examples, and then use a conclusion sentence to reflect on it all or evaluate it. If you write some paragraphs with only 2 sentences, there is something missing. For example:

Currently, I am enrolled in the 3rd year of Bachelor in Mechanical Engineering course at main campus of Universiti Teknologi Malaysia, Skudai, and I will be graduating on the May of 2011. ---- now write about how this education influences your interest in this job or prepares you for it. Write another sentence or two about what is happening for you right now as a scholar, and how this school can help you. Make each paragraph at least 4 sentences; that is not a real "rule" in composition, but I think it is a good idea.

:-)

Essays / Is the United States ready for a female president [12]

I want to believe that answer to this question is "yes," because if we look back ...

Yes, this is looking good! You write without errors here in this paragraph.

Undergraduate / Parents / Campus - UCF Admissions essay "bump in the road" [6]


Don't write cliches! If you can help it, don't. We all cliche sometimes...
But if you say under the influence of ---> alcohol and drugs, that is big cliche.

Holy moly, you should use paragraphs. Writing without paragraphs is like talking so fast that no one can keep up. I am intimidated by these big paragraphs that I have to dive into... here I go!

That first sentence about struggle sometimes being exactly what we need... it is intriguing! So, let that be the theme for the essay. Let the first paragraph express that theme and end with a thesis statement about it.

This is a run on sentence:
I love my parents and the family we had together; that made it difficult for me to accept and adjust to the circumstances that were affecting us.

I fixed it with a semi-colon!

All of this is pretty meaningless:
I choose to apply to UCF because of the well rounded atmosphere ...people that speak highly of UCF and...everything I need in order to be successful; it has an impressive ... and the extraordinary environment ...

Can you see what I mean when I say those general statements are "fluff," sort of meaningless, ambiguous nice ideas? Make every sentence pack a hard punch. This sentence packs a punch:

UCF has one of the best anthropology departments that I have learned about and fully supports archeology research which sparks my interest.
This sentence is real. It shows a real reason. Try to take out the fluff and add more specific ideas, examples, and images. Here is another good one:

I also admire and applaud to UCF's softball team. ---- this is powerful, because it is real.

However, this is fluff: They are strong and show great qualities as a team that I hope I can participate in .---- Fluff! Fluff!! Let every sentence say something specific. :-) It's a tough challenge, but you can do it.

Undergraduate / Vanderbilt Summer Program (Science Outreach Program) [7]


Yep, I don't doubt it... I'm just playing the devil's advocate because it's my job. So, I'll scrutinize you this way, too:

If you say "science is my life," it seems like you are referring to all science -- chemistry, physics, biology, computers... strictly speaking, everything in life can be science if you approach it using the scientific method. So, you need to be more specific! What kind of science? Even if you love all science, you must choose some areas to specialize in.

Maybe you want to specialize in researching bioelectricity and explaining how acupuncture works...

Undergraduate / MIT International Transfer Essay "Why MIT?" [3]

For nice writing style, keep the verb tense consistent:
...and I decided what I wanted to...----- even though you still "want," on that occason you wanted.

AI is an interesting choice of career! Do you think "intelligence" is an appropriate word when it actually is just a complex computer program? It seems that the complexity of computer programs could create personalities that are infinitely more complex than human personalities, but they still are not the same as intelligence. Or maybe it is?

Anyway, I am just making conversation, not suggesting that you need to tackle this question in your essay... although that would make it quite interesting!

Look below, sometimes less is more in writing:
I believe currently r Research opportunities on that matter in Kazakhstan... --- it's stronger this way, more confidant.

two instead of 2

I tried to find out how the life in MIT looks like about the culture and lifestyles available at MIT.

I agree that the last sentence is not strong. Try to develop it into a paragraph. A paragraph can express the full meaning of that topic sentence. That is what paragraphs are for! You write so well, I think you can do a good job of expressing this feeling of belonging there.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Tony Hoagland's "Romantic Moment" -- personal response essay [4]

Here is a way to make the sentence less awkward:
...though an art district implies to me symbolizes they have an intellectual they have a connection that is intellectual as well as romantic.

There is a problem with "I belly laughed when Hoagland states" because of an awkward verb tense mixup. It is good for you to use the present tense about what Hoaglang states or writes, but you should rephrase:

I belly laughed when I arrived at the passage where Hoagland states, "If I were a peacock I'd flex...

I feel this way because my typical date is dinner and a movie. I would be shocked to have someone watch a documentary or take a walk with me.--- what does this have to do with the thesis statement? I think you should add another sentence to the end of your first paragraph -- an unmistakable thesis statement that is related to the other sentences of the first paragraph but that ALSO is general enough to include the content of this paragraph.

Is hierarchy what you really mean? I hierarchy involves more than 2 people. Work on that thesis statement at the end of the first para. Also, take advice from me, another person who had to return to writing after some time away from school: Always write the thesis statement last, after the whole essay has formed. It's a trick they never taught us as kids! :-)

Grammar, Usage / To get correction of these sentences [11]

A decade preceding and a decade after the declaration of fatwa as illegal, violence instigated by the so-called religious decrees continues in our remotest villages, with brutal punishments handed down to the victims, while most of the perpetrators get away with impunity.

You are right. The subject of the sentence is violence, and you can write: "Violence continues."

Scholarship / Need help on a scholarship essay on educational and career goals [3]

It sounds like you are doing great things! I'm glad we have people like you who are willing to do the very difficult jobs to keep us all safe. This is something you can get very inspired about. If it is important to you that you are prepared for emergencies, prepared to be a leader, and doing something meaningful for your job, then the theme for your essay can be a concept associated with what drives you to do this kind of work.

What drives you to do this instead of accounting or teaching middle school? Why do you choose this?

I think you will do well if you start with a topic sentence. Write a sentence that succinctly tells what your plan is for the next year. Then, develop it into afull paragraph by elaborating and the giving an example.

Next, give a topic sentence about what you would like to be doing 5 years from now. Then elaborate and give examples so that it becomes a full paragraph.

Finally, give a topic sentence about this school or program to which you are applying. Elaborate, and grow it into a paragraph.

Go back and write an intro paragraph.
Go to the end and write a conclusion paragraph.

Post it here so we can help!
Google "topic sentences" just to make sure you know what they are.

:-)

Essays / Is the United States ready for a female president [12]

Start with your topic sentences. If you look at a well structured essay, you will see that you can read the first sentence of every paragraph and get a good sense of what the essay is all about.

One paragraph = one idea, and the idea is expressed in the topic sentence (first sentence of the paragraph) of each paragraph.

So, you will need 3 good topic sentences, one for each body paragraph. That means you need 3 god ideas that will be the building blocks of your essay. Start by writing 3 topic sentences.

The idea is to use mind mapping to come up with your ideas. You can do it!!! Google "mind mapping" in order to make sure you know what it is, and use it to come up with 3 ideas (topic sentences.

Write those 3 sentences, and we will build them into an essay. :-)

Research Papers / Illegal hiring "under the table" [2]


This is a kind of run on sentence called a comma splice. Use a semi-colon to fix it.
So Jose Illegal pays for Joe Legal's social security; how is that fair at all?
This part about Jose paying for Joe's Social Security is not a very strong argument against hiring illegal aliens, because the illegal aliens obviously don't mind, as they are trying to get jobs.

One thing that concerns me about this essay is that it immediately seems like racism when you talk about Joe Legal and Jose Illegal. I know you are just quoting someone else's play on words, but this approach is immature and quite racist.

Your whole essay seems to be making an argument based on what is good for American taxpayers, the American employment rate, and so forth. However, you could also argue based on ethical philosophy, or even based on what is most advantageous for the employer.

I know you are required to argue against illegal hiring, but what is your real opinion. The essay seems to reveal some compassion, even though you are supposed to be arguing against it! :-)

If Americans aren't working then the government isn't receiving as much income tax revenue .

Writing Feedback / Toefl:Some students like classes where teachers lecture (do all of the talking) [3]

Thanks Azamat! Please check out the contributor page!

My preference is based on several reasons. --- this is an awkward sentence, but it is not your fault. this kind of sentence is tough. You should write: I have several reasons for preferring classes where students do some of the talking.

Or just write: I have several reasons for preferring this type of class.

Capitalize the first letter of the word that start the sentence: The first one is that the class where student can talk ...

Secondly a class where the students do some of the talking is a successful class, because teacher can identify students who do not understand the course among others, so he can clear up some wrong ideas. He also has the opportunity to get feedback from the students.

Another reason to conclude that classes where the students do some of the talking are better is the fact that in these classes students and the teacher exchange their ideas. The benefit of the course will double. --- good point!!

To conclude, we have to admit that ...

Writing Feedback / "great feeling of cooking" - Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. [3]


That's what we're here for! Sometimes maybe you just want to correct a few of the mistakes, and then someone else will correct a few more:

Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Preparing food has become more easier than the past.

First of all, in modern times people do not have to spend much of their time cooking, because they have the help of modern technologies, such as microwave, stove, and so forth.

In old times we spent most of our time for cooking and preparing. Apart from these new technologies, in nowadays, ready-to-eat food plays an important role in food markets. It is very useful for someone who is often busy in everydays and it takes from he or she requires only about 1-2 minutes. Also, food products have become more portable to carry to everywhere; we can even use it while we are driving.

In order to write a conclusion paragraph, think of what your main idea is for this essay. Can you make the argument you want to make in this last paragraph? Try to write the last paragraph all about the message you want the reader to remember.

Grammar, Usage / Do you need to cite a mere summary of a novel's scene? [4]


Well, this is how you do it if that sentence above was a quote frm the book, but it's not.

This is a great question, by the way. The most important answer to consider is this; You ALREADY cited the book when you wrote: In the novel Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth rejects Mr. Collins proposal.

That is a way of citing the novel. And if you tell someone what I am telling you now, and you say, "Kevin told me that," then you will have cited me, too. A citation does not have to be in parentheses.

But when you do a direct quote, you should use the page number.
In Pride and Prejudice, So-and So says to So-and-So, " XXX XXXX XXX X XXXXXX" (14), but she gets no reply from him.

Undergraduate / WHY? short essay on Why Engineering? [5]

In the study of industrial engineering I find preparation I need to solve real world problems. ---- this sentence is confusing because of "find preparation." I thought you meant you found something out about the role of preparation in the field. I suggest this:

In the study of industrial engineering, I can prepare to solve real world problems...

Most importantly, engineering teaches not only just analytical skills but also innovative ways of thinking, which are also essential under today's fast-paced global society.

Poetry / Down at the Beach -- at least 150 words [4]


Well, this part is probably not good. A big cliche is to say, "Here, there, and everywhere." I don't think it is going to be useful in the poem, because it s already all used up.

The imagery is great! I like the way you think, but this is not a self-analysis. This is a poem about the beach. ... but wait a minute, what do you mean about analysis? You are supposed to analye the poem?

Google this: poetry analysis
It will be easy to understand how to analye a oem if you look at a few web pages.

:-)

The ending is great.

Writing Feedback / Leave the land in its natural condition? 'harmony with modern cities' [4]

Nowadays, people tend to concentrate more on economic growth and leave the environmental problems behind by constructing more buildings and industrial areas than necessary.

My country is not an exception. Therefore, I think there should have been be more land reserved for the preservation of natural condition here .

First and foremost, the combination of modern (modern what? modern design?) and nature creates a harmonious look for the country.

Even in the office, flowers are often brought to adorn; imagine if our country was full not of buildings, stores, operas, stadiums, but instead, of little plants.

Last but not least, the natural condition is a gift to us, and protecting and maintaining it are our duties .

Creating forest fires, burning forests to build houses, companies have destroyed many species: birds, mammals and even some kinds of fish.

For instance, the panda population has been decreasing for years because the areas where they can find food have been replaced by buildings and industrial facilities. It also ...

To conclude, protecting the natural condition is necessary; ho wever, making it harmonize with modern cities is not less important.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Proof/edit my cause & effect paragraph about unemployment- collegeEnglish [3]

Some of the common causes of unemployment are due to getting fired, getting laid off, the market economy, and recession due to the economy.

For various reasons, companies either are going out of business or eliminating job s if there are positions that are no longer needed.

Consequently, people who own homes are putting them up for sale or the houses are going into foreclosure. For this reason, the rate of unemployment is at its weakest point since the great depression.

People all over the world are struggling. Since this proliferation of effects to our economy, Menmen and women have to leave their families behind to find work wherever ...

This is especially true when the person are a single parent and has a large family to support.

It causes one to experience financial, emotional, and personal problems. Unemployment is a serious and touchy subject, and we can only hope it gets better.

:-)

Writing Feedback / University education is mandatory to get a good career. Discuss opinion. IELTS [4]

To get a good career, the question of whether it is best to study in university or a college is a complex issue continue one's studies after high school or get a job is a complex issue. There are many arguments supporting both views, those for and those against higher study.--- good sentence!

Since university education is also time consuming, thus it is wise to send relatively studious, meritorious, self-motivated students for higher study.
or you can type:
University education is also time consuming; thus it is wise to send relatively studious, meritorious, self-motivated students for higher study.

It is not necessarily needed for all to go for further study.

If school certificates shows above average result of a student, he may go through college/university; otherwise it is realistic to find a job.

In addition, many of the founders of world famous businesses do not have university degrees.

For instance, the founder of the International Bata Shoe Company was a cobbler at young age and then became a successful entrepreneur as a shoe producer.

There are many examples supporting the statement that college or university degree is not mandatory for someone who wants to find a good career.

:-)

Undergraduate / Grinnell - Sunlight is my salvation out of being discouraged Transfer Essay [4]

uninspired by the lack of academic passion around me --- this part is awkward. Feeling uninspired by a lack is awkward. How about, "[feeling] discouraged by the absence of academic passion among my peers."

It seems like one more sentence is necessary in that first para. Add a sentence that expresses some kind of theme that will apply to the whole essay. I see that the dancing in the rain thing is good, but that paragraph needs one more sentence to really define your theme.

Dancing in the rain became harder than I had hoped it would be, and I was done getting wet in a storm that would never pass.

Grinnell's personal aspects illustrate sunlight. --- this makes no sense!
I will feel comfortable and eager to show off the quirky, philosophical, and nerdy person I am without hiding behind insecurity and attempts to be "normal."--- this is an excellent sentence!!


...diverse academic and social environment represents a third path -- an additional option for me.

I like your ending. I don't think the word weather needs to be in " " marks.

Undergraduate / "Almost at the bottom!", Common Application Main Essay [21]

If someone Googles this essay and finds it here they will see your name next to it and know it is yours. Yes, you should indeed read the TOS before participating in a forum; the way this forum works is that we provide help and you allow your essay to be added to the collection for everyone's benefit. I think the policy right now is that an essay can be removed but you have to pay some kind of fee.

Writing Feedback / Illustrative Essay, The Dairy Farmers Life [3]


I loe your engaging, natural writing style. It will be better, though, if you at least write "Me neither, ..." instead of either.

Next, one inserts their hand into Ol' Bessie's vagina. Sometimes extra lubrication such as KY Jelly is needed, but normally the birth canal is slick enough with amniotic fluid, which helps the calf ease its way though the birth canal. ----- AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

This needs a comma:
When pulling gently but firmly on the afterbirth does it give at all?

Comma and semi-colon:
If so, pull it out; sometimes it just needs to be threaded through the cervix.

another semi-colon:
She just went down; I'm not sure why, and the vet wasn't sure why either.

Google this to improve your writing:
what is a comma splice

:-)

Book Reports / The curious incident of the dog in the night-time; Advice on thesis statement [2]


This one is confusing. I like the other one better:
Christopher's mother chooses the easy way out by going to London, which is like her personality. She always chooses the easy way out. An example of this characteristic is the fact that she writes letters and waits for Christopher to find her.

Writing Feedback / "Preventing Herpes" - Current Issue in Public Health using an article about health problem [9]

Yes, I understand. I just meant that it is important not to write it in a way that makes a big generalization. You can say:

Too often, people do not pay attention to high blood pressure.

But you can't say, "No one is paying attention to high blood pressure.

You can say, "Too often, doctors do not follow the guidelines."
But you can't say, "Doctors don't follow the guidelines."

In Star Wars, it is said, "Only the Sithe speaks in absolutes."

:-)

Writing Feedback / 5. mixed --21st century=opportunity,you agree/disagree, changes you hope-- [3]

Thanks, Soccer16, I'll pick up where you left off!!

However, at in the mean time, there will be many potential challenges. We do not need to mention other things; we only need to pay a little attention to the news in order to know how many tragedies happen every day.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, and so on, are threatening our lives every second.

So if these phenomena do not be are not going to be investigated clearly, humanity will still remain under the threat of natural forces.

Personally, I hope the new changes in new millennium will include the following things:
First, it is necessary to attend to the issues existing in present society, such as ...

In conclusion, the coming of new millennium will bring us both opportunities and challenges. Face it, human beings still have many arduous assignments to deal with. In my opinion, I hope we could solve not only the society's problems but also the ______________ (formation principle of natural forces??? I don't know what this last sentence is supposed to mean).

:-)

Writing Feedback / Email and text messaging threats written language [5]

Well, I think this sentence is okay. You ca start like this:
Email and text messaging have replaced the traditional method of communication that were used in the past.

This sentence can be improved:
Also, they were preferring people of the past used direct speech more than any other method, because its faster and to avoid delays in the transfer of information.

First of all, these technologies might be saving our time. This could keep us in contact with ...

However, there are also some disadvantages of using these technologies. Firstly, if students become addicted to using mobile cell and electronic mail, this could affect their written language in future.

This might be convert to a serious threat to their writing at schools and universities when they have an assignment or essay, because they use a bbreviations and short nonstandard form. Moreover, people ...

In conclusion, it is clear from the above that there is a slight threat that comes with using email and ...

In addition, people have to take the benefits from these technologies and keep their traditional writing.------- tis is a good sentence!! Good ending.

:-)

Essays / Literature assignment-short story about war [2]

Need a comma on both sides of this word:
My five-minute-younger sister, Momo , and I were afraid of darkness.

This kind of sentence could be better with a comma:
I turned my head in order to see Momo, w ho should have been next to me.

Momo was lying on the ground, and her burned body was shivering.

She looked like she was swallowed up by the horrible darkness. I swallowed my saliva and said to her as calmly as possible, "Momo... we are so lucky because both of us alive. Isn't it true that we are lucky?

I can't believe how excellent this story is. It really has excellent detail, and the thing about not going to sleep before her is a brilliant theme. I'm jealous! I wish I could write so well.

Undergraduate / SOP for HKUST - to build on language, heritage [4]

These values enabled them to create a successful business legacy; an achievement that made me appreciate and admire the Chinese values and culture I inherited. ----- I am pretty sure that on either side of the semi-colon you should have something that can be a complete sentence. So, instead of a semi-colon in this sentence you should use a dash, I think.

But this is the sort of stylistic stuff that people always treat in different ways. It's not really wrong to use a semicolon here instead of a dash, but I recommend a dash. :-)

I would like to build on this heritage.--- awesome sentence.

next section:
And YES, I think you could even write it just like this, or maybe with some minor changes. This is a nice sentence: I just hope to get a (any) job that pays for my stay, and the best way to do that is to speak the language and learn something useful (like currency trading).

Writing Feedback / Commitment,Intellectual ability & Enthusiasm; Recommendation by academic advisor [8]


What a great idea! Yes, that happens to be my weakness, too. I am good at writing but not at visual things. That is such an excellent example of a criticism that balances the praise without actually making her seem like a weak applicant. She is lucky to have you. :-)

Book Reports / Mercutio as a foil to Romeo [5]


This paragraph needs to be developed a little more. End it with a sentence that shows how this common conclusion, despite it being a little more Romeo's fault, supports your thesis.

Your thesis and topic sentences are excellent!!

I think the conclusion paragraph should have one or two more sentences so that you can do a good job of reflecting on your thesis argument.

:-)

Essays / Global Warming: two ways that an individual can help the environment [2]

Google this:
illustrative essay
illustrative essay example

It will help if you see how to structure an essay of this kind and then substitute your topics. You can use an example essay as a sort of template, and it will help you to improve your composition skill.

You can use one paragraph per idea. How about a paragraph about making it your goal to own a vehicle that runs on something other than ordinary gasoline.

You can also make a goal of helping to pass legislation that will raise our standards for regulating emissions..

:-)

Undergraduate / something about military - Rice Perspective Essay [5]

What is this "perspective" essay supposed to include? Maybe they are looking for a formless blog like this one, but if they are looking for something focused on answering a particular question I think this might not work. I am so confused about the directions you go with it. And it ends so abruptly...

What is the main idea of this? That is the real question. You can have a main idea for each paragraph, and the main idea of the first paragraph should be the main idea for the essay. I know that reduces writing to something robotic, and maybe this "perspective" is supposed to be more poetic, but... in either case, you need to sharpen your thesis.

Let the first and last sentence of each paragraph express the important points that you want the reader to remember.

Think of a central message that you want the reader to remember -- a central impression that you want to make.

I see what you mean about this being infused with inspiration, rather than contrived, but now you can go back and sharpen up the main idea. This is a cool story, but it is just a story. I want to know the main idea you have in telling this story. Tell me the moral of the story at the end of the first paragraph, if possible. Or, tell the moral of the story in the attention grabbing, first sentence of the essay.

Most importantly, add one sentence to the very end of the essay to reinforce the moral of the story... instead of ending abruptly.

:-)

Book Reports / Deserved Deaths? Hamlet Essay [2]


I don't know what this means, but you are coming dangerously close to sounding hateful. Even if you are saying something about the mechanisms at work in the play, you chose the wrong words, because it sounds like you are being hateful.

I suspect that you are not being hateful, though. This essay really does show that you have read and understand the play (or at least the Sparknotes), and I can't say I disagree with you about all of it!! I just hope your teacher can appreciate it.

The thing is, in your irreverence you seem to possibly be missing the fact that all these nutty things that happen are intended to REPRESENT various human qualities. If you look at the play as a philosophy lesson, you'll see that the ridiculous decisions are intended to show important life lessons! So, there is something to appreciate here.

By the way, I think you also don't realize that you are a talented writer. Try a book by Ursula LeGuin or Stephen King. You'll see that your writng style is the kind that the masters use. I'm not talking about informal or irreverent writing; I'm talking about naturalness.

Undergraduate / Baseball team, closer to God Transfer Essay, tell us something about yourself. [7]

Only the first comma is necessary here:
I see myself as a fighter, someone who is persistent an d will always get back on his feet.

I am a believer in God and His love; His God's direction, guidance, and protection has have had great impacts on my life.

The last sentence sounds okay but this whole paragraph lacks focus. A paragraph, in composition like this, should start with a topic sentence that gives the main idea for the paragraph. Therefore, this paragraph should be about being a fighter who always gets back on his feet. The rest of the sentences in the paragraph should be about this idea.

Use a different paragraph to talk about sports.
Use a different paragraph to talk about skipping the 8th grade.

one paragraph = one idea

Writing Feedback / Compulsive buying disorder (CBD): Conceptualization and classification [6]

Well it sure looks like you know what you are doing! And I assume you use italics, but they just did not appear here when you pasted this into the forum. For example:

Clark, M. & Calleja, K. (2008). Shopping addiction: A preliminary investigation among Maltese university students. Addiction Research and Theory, 16(6), 633-649.
you italicize the journal title and volume number.

Nice job, very impressive! If you are ever asked to use Harvard style, you'll see that it is not much different, so it should also be easy for you to learn.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Make all you can, save all you can, give all you can" it's better to save money [4]

Otherwise is one word. Also, this is a run on sentence:
For basic needs, we should have money; otherwise we will starve and die.
I fixed it with a semi-colon.

Look at the changes to this sentence:
Firstly, money has become a very important factor in everyone's life.
That is how to use an apostrophe: everyone's

If we don't earn money, this means we are nowhere. Nobody respect us and we fail to succeed with our own existence.

That means we become self-sufficient and independent.

This ability of self-sufficiency gives us ability to survive any where in the world. We don't need support of anyone but we can be support of someone.

As my father saved money he was able to give money for her operation in one movement. ---- a very selfless movement! He is a hero.

To sum up, we should always save money, as it is hard to earn and easy to spend.

:-)

Scholarship / Why do you deserve this scholarship? serious attitude towards study [6]

More over is one word: moreover


Your whole first paragraph is all about why you like this school, and not about why you deserve the scholarship. The only thing you say about why you deserve the scholarship is, "I have a firm belief that I have the ability..."

That first paragraph needs to be rewritten to answer the prompt question. The way to cut down the word count is to take out some of the content about why you choose the school... and focus on answering the question.

Ahh, I see that you do very well in the next paragraph, though. I would like to see a new intro para that focuses on the question, and make it shorter. That way, the excellent second paragraph will be highlighted.


If you had to cut out that whole first paragraph in order to get within the maximum word count that would be okay!! The rest of the essay is great!!


There is nothing wrong with that! I hope they find it, because they will see that you care so much about improving your writing skill. Some kids think it is cheating to use this site, but that is not the case. It's a writers group! And we help people master the English language. So if anyone tells you it is cheating to have other people give feedback about your writing, you should explain to them that feedback and revision are crucial parts of writing.

Undergraduate / SOP for HKUST - to build on language, heritage [4]

Just ideas, not necessarily better:
never lived anywhere other than London.

worked tirelessly throughout their entire lives in order to create a better future for their children.

One rule that is not really a rule but a good idea is to always follow "this" with a noun. Try it and you'll see what I mean.

This story instills in me an appreciation and admiration of their Chinese values and culture.

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
These values enabled them to create a successful business legacy, and I would like to build on that heritage.

My personal goal is to work in Asia after college, ------ be more specific!

Ranked fifth best university in Asia, I chose ---- this sounds like YOU were rankd 5th in Asia. :-)

...I chose HKUST primarily for the opportunity to experience its global business program taught from a Chinese or Asian perspective.

This is so awesome! Your life is like a great movie, and your interests are cool. I hope you make time to learn Qigong!

To witness and hopefully be part of the world's fastest growing economy while taking exceptional business courses in a relevant (different word) environment and learning a new language is an opportunity that only comes around once in a lifetime.

Nice... I'm excited for you.

Undergraduate / research techniques to experiment design - activities extracurricular & personal [7]

...in a laboratory since the beginning of my freshmen year. Although I'm an undergraduate, I try to learn as much as possible ranging from research techniques to experiment design .---- I took out "without compensation," because it is not really relevant to the meaning of the essay.

My mind has not been bombarded with "correct" knowledge; my creativity and imagination has have not been damaged yet. ----- excellent! Don't let that happen!! :-) Read "Not Always So" by Shunryu Suzuki :-)

Writing Feedback / Private car ownership has grown dramatically in recent years. [7]

The first paragraph is great! I'll just change a little:

...suggestions to our government and individuals about what they have to include in laws or policies to decrease traffic congestion .

...the number of cars which are imported per month or year. I think that it will reduce the number of cars greatly. Moreover, more people are likely to buy second-hand cars because of cheap prices. For instance , in my country, we have not yet any car factors but almost everyone has his or her own car because some local companies import and sell second-hand cars cheap. Sometimes, there are car accidents which are related to engines happen and stop suddenly in the center of roads.

Good point!! This is a strong argument.

:-)

Undergraduate / WHY? short essay on Why Engineering? [5]

For sure, this works! It's high quality stuff. Your aspirations are impressive, too. It could be better, though!! Imagine if you wrote with great imagery about an experience that infused in you a need to create some specific thing or help the government rework some public system. If you show the reader that you have a specific driving force -- in addition to the great things about engineering that you write about here.

:-)