Speeches / Step by step guide to prepare a speech [6]


This is a very well-constructed sentence!

This is a run-on sentence:
You have written your speech, now you must practice in order to ensure its smooth delivery.

You can fix it like this:
After you have written your speech, now you must practice in order to ensure its smooth delivery.

There is no need for the capital S in this sentence (in Sets):
When you are standing n front of a group, with several Set sets of eyes focused on you, it's the a good time to wear nice clothing.

This is very nicely written!
But you are right about the last paragraph. It is only about the outline, but it should be about the main idea of the whole essay.

Write a conclusion paragraph that answers those questions you ask in the introduction. I think that would make a great conclusion paragraph.

:-)

Poetry / "My essence, my being, drifting away" - NYU transfer supplement - poem [2]

Well, I can tell this came from the place poetry comes from. Writing poetry is like deliberately blurring your vision so you can see in a more abstract way.

Now, the thing is, it might not be the best idea to make this a poem in which you bear your soul with raw honesty. That sort of poem is therapy for the poet. If this is for a college application, it would be a good idea to make it so that whatever this distress is that is causing your essence and being to drift away can be alleviated by pursuing your chosen major and taking control of life. Show off your intellect, and let the poem reflect your focus on your plan for college.

:-)

Undergraduate / "never giving up" - Purdue essay. best advice [2]

Jessica, these are good ideas!


This is really powerful! I think it is a great way to help someone enter the correct state of mind.

Tell your dad I think he has a lot of wisdom!!

I love the ending. This is one of my favorite essays ever.

However, I wouldn't have gotten any international experiences, and I will would never have learned to understand English. I would have lost a lot more if I gave up. So, I studied and worked hard each day until I could speak English fluently.

Finally, after all the hard work, I made friends from all over the world, I understood what people were saying, I made good grades, and boys sent letters to me! --- good sentence!!

You can use a semi-colon here:
I'm glad that I did not give up; the key to _________ is never giving up.

:-)

Undergraduate / Interested in business, University of illinois: your academic interests or goals [6]

Well, my suggestion is not necessarily the best thing to do, but it is good to use paragraphs. I was suggesting that you put the cursor after ...university. And hit enter to start a new paragraph. Then, do the same after...most advanced education.

like this:

There is widespread debate in China today as to whether we should authentically open financial market to face the competition of western companies. The vital reason opponents considered is that we do not know what modern finance is, and we need to connect western economy system. That's why I chose finance as my major as soon as I went to university.

There can be no doubt that if your major is in business, you have more chance to earn nice salaries and decent jobs. However, that is not the most important factor why I choose this major. First of all, I would like to tell you a story. This story is about my grandfather, which was born in an impoverished county. When he was 13 years old, my great grandparents were dead. Since at that moment, my grandpa knew how to take care himself and made money to support his life and education. Nevertheless the family was too poor to afford the tuition of college, he just finished his high school and had to go to work. By now, grandpa has engaged in business for more than half a century, his company became one of the largest groups in Gansu Province and he was elected a deputy to the National People's Congress. My grandfather deeply understands how important and valuable the knowledge is, that's why he supported and encouraged me to go abroad to obtain the most advanced education.

Moreover I am very interested in business; I want to cope with practical problems which come from my grandpa's company by using professional knowledge. Considering my academic interests and long term professional goal, I believe UIUC is my best choice to realize my dream.

And maybe you should add one more sentence to the first paragraph and add one more sentence to the last paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / Pharmacy undergrad application essay - "someone who has influenced you" [6]

Not much! No, this gives me a sense of the environment, of mr. fister... but not much is about you. This part shows a little about you, because of what you observe:

His hard work ethics and dedication, along with his sense of humour , inspired me to work hard in order to meet his high standards. Furthermore, despite being his top student in both his classes, Mr. Fister consistently expected my best work, accepting nothing less, and pushed me to my limits in order to bring out the best in me. Mr. Fister taught me that in order to achieve great heights of success, I must be focused, dedicated, and hard-working.

I have a suggestion. The conclusion sentence of each body paragraph should have some "reflection" or evaluation of your own idea. So, you can change the conclusion sentences of some paragraphs so that they become sentences about your opinions and preferences, how you look at the topic you are writing about in the paragraph.

Not just in the conclusion sentences of paragraphs, but anywhere you can, you should express your ideas -- about Mr. Fister's teaching style, about the environment, about the qualities he demonstrated and their significance in life. You id a little of that in the last paragraph, but you can let more of your personality show if you talk more about your own unique thinking process when thinking about the topics covered in the essay.

:-)

Research Papers / Title, introduction, method, results - writing a Research Proposal in APA Format [5]


Yep, and group work can be tough to coordinate! It sounds like a great project, though.

This kind of writing is very difficult sometimes, and people can always criticize your methods... but no research study is perfect. This one tackles an important topic. It seems like many similar studies must have already been done. You should look at what kinds of similar studies have already been done, and that wll be a good way to help you get through this and avoid problems.

Essays / pros and cons of cars - developing my essay [11]


This is a great way to describe it!
I usually say this:
One essay = one big idea
one body paragraph = one smaller idea

a few body paragraphs plus an intro and conclusion = a whole essay

Undergraduate / Statement of purpose for PhD Philosophy [3]

I chose philosophy when I started to understood me understand myself. I realized that something was deficient in my life after graduating my first university -- Department of Textile, Uludağ University. I started business life, but this sense of deficiency did not stop bothering me . complete whit that. So I took a risk and gave up everything. I turned back to school and started to Department of Philosophy, Istanbul University. I thought of philosophy will would make up for the deficienc y in my life. I was right.

I think you should take this material and make it part of the paragraph that comes after it:
Philosophy always involves learning something new, and I always feel pleasure from this learning circumstance. Philosophy is a big field, and it is never complete.

This does not make sense: People never say I learned that's why I decided to resume study for the duration of my life.

I believe that I have the qualities to be a good thinker, researcher and teacher. ----- excellent sentence!!

I am a creative person, and I often think in a contemplative way about various issues of philosophy and I like it . After this sentence, you should tell what kinds of philosophy you are interested in --- ethical philosophy? epistemology? political philosophy? western? eastern?

I am jealous! I think you will enjoy your philosophy major.

:-)

Undergraduate / UIUC "doing hard things can make people better" - extracurricular activity [3]

Use a semi-colon, and don't use his first name:
I strongly agree with John him; these words have being my motto for many years.

People, when given the opportunity, would improve themselves by overcoming challenges.

This is looking good, but you should separate it into a few paragraphs. Maybe you should have 4 sentences in each paragraph. If you don't know how to write a good topic sentence, google this:

how to write topic sentences

:-)

Writing Feedback / Your school days, an enjoyable event description [5]

The enjoyable event I would like to talk about here is the spring outing activity that happened on my middle school stage.

At that time, my classmates and me I were mostly about twelve or thirteen years old, not more than fourteen.

I believe the role of teacher in a language class plays a very important role.
OR
I believe the role of a teacher in a language class is very important.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my culture in Kazakhstan" - Dealing with diverse cultures (250 word limit) [4]

We can make this beginning more efficient:
When growing up in a certain environment for so long, it is hard to adapt to anything new. Several years ago, I took a trip during which my culture in Kazakhstan did not match up with the educational journey I planned circumstances of the journey.

Since the first moment I stepped off...

As you practice writing, I think you should try to include at least 4 sentences with each paragraph. Each paragraph is like a little essay with intro (topic sentence), supporting material, and conclusion. Each paragraph should be about one idea, and all the paragraphs should support the main idea of the whole essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Describe a significant choice that you had to make, discuss the consequences... [4]

Efficiency:

There were a About a hundred people were in front of me, every one of them was grasping a water bottle in one hand while desperately struggling to fan themselves with the other.

Sweat was a unifying factor among us. --- this is great.

Essays / Is the Statement of Purpose (PhD program) word limit enforced strictly? [10]

Yes, you have to get it within that limit. It is not always good to have more words. You need to be able to express a point within 1,000 words, 500 words, 300 words, or 100 words... or even one word!

That is part of the challenge. Good luck!! I know it is hard.

Writing Feedback / what is advantage and disadvantage of a new shopping mall ? [3]

A mechanisms of free-trades of consumerism in modern times, shopping malls are large places full of goods and service providers, together in one place.

paragraph 2:
Shopping malls can be seen in the big , modern buildings. They are built for several reasons.

paragraph 3:
However, negative aspects of having a big shopping mall require several considerations. As we know, too much electric energy is required by this industry too. If we consider the long term consequences of using so much energy, we must consider environmental effects like a global warming.

:-)

Book Reports / Essay about the use of diction in William Stafford's "Traveling Through the Dark [3]


Yes, whenever you write fewer than 4 sentences in your intro it is going to seem like the thesis statement is underdeveloped. These first 3 sentences are good, but they touch on many different things. An essay is supposed to be about ONE GRAND THING, one grand idea.

So... ADD A SENTENCE TO THE END OF THE INTRO PARAGRAPH to put all those observations together into one big observation about Stafford's personality, philosophy (as it seems to you) or any interesting observation based on his style. You can even suggest that his style reveals something about his personality. You can't just say, "He uses this device and that device..." You have to add a sentence to the end of that intro paragraph that gives a THEME for your essay, a memorable, creative observation that you make when you really have deeply appreciated this poem (and perhaps compared it to other people's poems to get some perspective.)

About topic sentences and support... try this recipe for paragraphs:
Topic sentence tells the main idea of the paragraph. One paragraph = one idea.
Sentence 2 elaborates or explains what you mean by what you just said in the topic sentence.
Sentence 3 gives an example or a quote.
Sentence 4 evaluates what you just said and comments on it thoughtfully... its implications and what it really means.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL assay: You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. [4]

I see that you are very good at writing in English! I'll help with a phrase in this sentence:
These experiences were not very successful, and it is why because of these experiences that I prefer to ... --- you say, "and it is for this reason that I XXXXXXXX."

Because of these experiences, I prefer XXXXXXX.

And also, we should make comfortable into comfortably and secure into securely:
...buy a house where I can live quite comfortably and securely in my own place, rather than start my own business.

This sentence below is going to be a GREAT one if we correct one small mistake:
I was just six years old, and although I did not understand the reasons of because my friend was leaving, I felt very upset and I have kept this memory in my mind.--- what a great sentence this is! We just needed to cross out those extra words.

Undergraduate / "Ethiopian child didn't have the most orthodox introduction to American culture" [7]

I know what you mean! That's the same with my writing. Please go help some other people with their essays, and link them to this one so they can return the favor!

Essays / Marketing Essays - Marketing Strategies Thesis Statement; dissertations and research papers [21]

"While researching the field of Marketing Strategies I found that a Marketing Analyst comes up with a plan of action to make a retail store successful ---- this part only tells what the marketing analyst does and does not make a real thesis statement.

...in a particular community and the job pays very well when you get the proper degree providing you with the tools you need to be successful in this competitive field."---- this statement could be made about any profession.

In order to make a good thesis statement, you need to come up with a NEW idea, an idea of your own that arises in your ind after you do a lot of reading. In order to write a good thesis statement, do some more reading until you suddenly get a very creative idea that you would like to express.

Maybe your thesis statement should say that being a marketing analyst is excellent work for someone whose philosophy of life is __________ (fill in the blank.)

:-)

Book Reports / Marriage in Europe and China- A comparative essay/ report on a book article [7]


What does this mean? She contrasts the effects on domestic & Industrial advances or she contrasts the effects in Europe and China?

If this is to be in APA style, you need the date of publication here:
Mary Jo Maynes and Ann Waltner's (19XX) "Women and Marriage in Europe and China" ...

You don't use the word Confucianism at all in the essay... but you should!

Comparison of patriarchal strength, average marriage rate, average marriage age, and the effect of religious morality between China and Europe highlight cultural discrepancies that paint an entirely new portrait of the previously unheard 50 percent of humanity.---- okay, this seems to be the thesis statement, but what about the question of Confucianism vs. Christianity? You should probably answer the prof's question in the last sentence of the first para.

Try to give a solid answer to those questions by writing a thesis statement at the end of the first para that mentions many of the key words from the prompt.

:-)

Scholarship / Olshansky Award for Originality - Original Poem [2]

The poem is beautiful and profound; I'll comment on the essay!

On the first day...

Instantly I knew what she meant by hating her. ---- what did she mean? I still don't understand.

Poetry was not something I was talented at... apparently, it is!!

...talented at, and I would be lying if I said was excited for about the challenge.

use a comma when you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence:
Weeks slowly passed, and I had no new...

:-) keep writing poetry!

Undergraduate / "Something not relevant from academic record" - Adelphi Essay [6]

The first one looks good!

During middle school, I felt so stressed, because everything seemed difficult and I was depressed from all the hatred directed toward me by most of my classmates who brought my self-esteem down with their words.

:-)

Well, there is no more of that in college! You are as powerful as anyone.

Undergraduate / Interested in business, University of illinois: your academic interests or goals [6]

Very impressive!!

The vital reason some people oppose this idea is that we supposedly do not know what modern finance is, and we need to connect with western economy system.---- I don't know if I fixed this sentence properly. Is this what you intended to say?

That's why I chose finance as my major as soon as I went to university. --- end paragraph 1 here and move on to paragraph 2:

There can be no doubt that if your major is in business, you...

...that's why he supported and encouraged me to go abroad to obtain the most advanced education. --- right here, end paragraph 2 and begin paragraph 3:

Moreover I am very interested... add a little more to this last paragraph, and conclude with some thoughtful, enthusiastic words.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Havisham: My Story based on the Poem Havisham [3]

It might not be good to begin with an incomplete sentence:
With dark green pebbles for eyes, she sits there.

Hatred and fury over shadowing her, depressing others with her presence, she is cured.

use a hyphen:
rope-like

I'll add some commas here:
I eventually calmed down, and the excitement began to drain away whilst I was bathing, but I was filled with nerves, forcing me to worry about my smell and looks, hoping everything would be perfect. Oh, how I fooled myself into ...

this is very enjoyable to read! You are a great writer, but you make some mistakes. I suggest Strunk and White's Elements of Style to make you an expert writer!

Writing Feedback / micheal jackson : rock with you [4]

1958: when Michael was born in lower middle class family with a curse of being black. ---- if you call it a curse, you should say it is a curse because of racism during the time he grew up. If you just say it is a curse, you seem like YOU are prejudiced.

The family was musical indeed, since mother, father, sisters, and brothers all had a musical career.

Your first paragraph does not introduce the essay as it is supposed to. All it does is list several facts about him. You should introduce the MAIN IDEA of the essay in this first paragraph. For example, the essay is not about him being African American, so it is not good to mention the "curse of being black." You have to think of what the main idea for the whole essay is and write a sentence about that idea at the end o the first paragraph.

Capitalize the words in titles: "Off the Wall"

Every essay sould have one main idea and a few smaller ideas. Each paragraph should be about a smaller idea that is related to the main idea. Start each paragraph with a TOPIC SENTENCE that tells the main idea for the paragraph.

Michael moved to Neverland, a dream world for any child. He was greatly concerned with global affairs; he gave 300 million dollars during his career for charity and was known as humanitarian.----- these 2 sentences are not related to each other, so they should not be in the same paragraph.

One paragraph = one idea.
One essay = one big idea with a few paragraphs to explain it.

:-)

Book Reports / Iago, thesis for Othello? [4]

Well number 2 will be easy to find examples for, because Iago is making manipulations in many scenes. But how do you write a god thesis statement?

Are you able to make any interesting observations about the play? All a thesis statement is is an interesting observation that not everyone would agree with. What controversial argument can you make? Could you argue that Iago "represents" a certain aspect of human nature? Could you argue that he is not actually a villain? Could you argue that he is suffering from a personality disorder such as bipolar personality disorder or psychopathy?

Your job is to add something new to the ongoing discussion of this play, which has been going on for many years.

:-)

Google this: thesis statement about iago

Writing Feedback / descriptive essay about my favorite animal (the lion) [4]

Cathy is right! It's not convincing if you do not give a reason why it is the greatest. I personally think humans are the greatest, though many would disagree with me on the grounds that we are destroying the planet.

The king of the jungle, the lion, is without a doubt the greatest animal in the surface of the earth, and that is why its my favorite animal. I say it is the greatest, because ___________.

:-)

Writing Feedback / which one do you think--- a wide range of courses --most/least important [3]

Nowadays, along with the emphasis on the overall development of individuals, students now stay ... ---- you don't need "now," because you already wrote nowadays.

Also:
Nowadays, along with the emphasis on the overall development of individuals, students stay in school in order to enjoy a variety of cultural courses.

The courses provide them with a variety of subjects, from basic language courses such as English, Chinese, and French to natural science and social science.

Use a period:
...and which is not. Personally, I think...

To my knowledge, all the others play an important role in the evolution process of human beings. Mathematics...

In conclusion, I personally think the basic language education is the most important one, as it is the foundation and cornerstone of human development, while all the other disciplines are of secondary importance. No subject can be said to be the least important one.

I agree! All subjects are important in different ways.

:-)
Keep practicing, Cathy! You're great.

Graduate / SOP for IT and Management, worldwide career opportunities in IT [2]

Capitalize Internet.

In the first year after my graduation, I built...

But to work as an independent SAP consultant, I need to expertise pertaining to SAP products and IT solutions, and how they can be introduced. I need to understand organizational structure, how cost effective solutions can be proposed, how project can be managed, and how services can be delivered on time.

Nice job!!

Essays / modern building is unreversable developing trend [3]

While almost all cities are expanding, the heated debate about what kind of new buildings would be built is always going on.

...would present the city's characteristics;others point out that modern buildings definitely provide more practical function for modern people. In my view, any traditional things is the symbol of the past, and we should not live in the past. properous time ,we can not live in our past vigourous memory. Only the modern building can indicate our living properiousity. ??

Undoubtedly, modern buildings attract people mainly due to their space-saving usefulness.

In this shortage of every resource while the population is soaring age, effectively utilizing our limited land is absolutely wiser than trying to show historic, national characteristi cs. Utilize a spell checker! :-)

Writing Feedback / Modern buildings are appearing in large numbers, we should build our buildings in traditional styles [5]

Well, it is a very difficult language to learn! You are doing very well. The way to practice is to read books aloud, and actually speak the words. This will make your brain practice using words and phrases in the way they are supposed to be used.

10 minutes every day:
Practice reading with a friend. Read aloud to each other.

Undergraduate / "why I want to be a nurse?" - Nursing school admissions essay [2]

Your first sentence is good, but you should add 3 more sentences after it and then do a paragraph break before writing this:

Paragraph 2:
I was raised by my mother with help from my elderly grandmother. While my mother ...

In para #1, you should introduce the main idea of the essay. This can mention your grandmother but it should also mention your vision for the future, your specific plans about where to work, etc., and a general overview of what is included in the essay. It should end with a thesis statement that tells the main idea for the whole essay.

I think the thesis statement should be something about wanting to be a nurse because of your experience taking care of your grandmother after she had taken care of you.

No comma is necessary in this sentence:
My grandmother was like a second mother to me and a large driving force on why I am who I am today.
Use a comma in this compound sentence:
I enjoyed helping my mother take of my grandmother, and I often sought out ...

:-)

Scholarship / I'm interested in computer field. Scholarship essay. [5]

Building, upgrading, and fixing PCs, I discovered that working with computer hardware is something that I want to do for the rest of my life. I would want to be working with computer hardware. Add 2 more sentences to this intro paragraph. End the paragraph with a thesis statement that gives a THEME for the essay. Let that last sentence of the first paragraph express the main thee for the whole essay.

Back in the days when I had just come to USA from Vietnam, I didn't have a clue about technologies yet. Later on I was introduced to PC from many aspects through many experiences in school and with friends.

Whenever going to an electronic store, I always come to the computer section and play with the displays checking out the configurations and testing out new gadgets.

Sometimes I even call them and ask if they want to have their computer checked.

:-) good luck, you seem very smart and passionate about this!!!

Writing Feedback / How to Apply to Universities in America from Indonesia (process analysis) [3]

...but something always goes gets in their way. Some people just cannot afford it, and some people just don't know how to start applying. For Those who really want to go abroad should go abroad.

The first thing to look at before...

The second thing...

Instead of "thing" you can use the word "consideration." The first consideration for people applying to college in the United States is...

...choosing a major, choosing a university, and completing all the...

:-)

Essays / How to write an essay on my goals for the school year / education importance [13]

Great advice, Aleksandar!

Yes, so you can tart by writing a topic sentence about each goal. Then, add an example and some elaboration to each topic sentence, so that each becomes a paragraph about a goal.

Then, go back and write an intro paragraph of 4-5 sentences to explain the theme and philosophy for your education at this point in life. End that intro with a thesis statement that names the 3 goals.

Write a conclusion paragraph that discusses the 3 goals thoughtfully and goes on to discuss your future a little. Really enjoy writing this, because it is a meaningful thing to do!!

Google this: how to write a five paragraph essay

Writing Feedback / a narrative reflective essay regarding education [2]

If you are writing in the present verb tense, keep consistent about it:
When his class mate, Ken Harvey, is asked to answer...

This reminded me of the constant reminder that my mother kept instilling in my brothers and sisters and I (no comma necessary here) as I was growing up.

Every now and then, my mother would mention (no comma necessary here) that one shouldn't strive to be overly successful, but that one should get his or her education and do well by just getting by.

Wherever is one word.

I'll fix this run on sentence with a semi-colon:
In a sense, I could see the point that she is trying to make; however at this point in my life I disagree.

That first paragraph is very long! I think you should turn the first few sentences into an intro paragraph. 4 or 5 sentences into it, add a thesis statement and do a paragraph break.

If you are expected to use in-text citations, you need to add some citations in parenthesis (Hacker).

For direct quotes, you need the page number, too:
Mike Rose asks himself in his story, "Why would anyone want to be average?" (14)

Do you have questons about how to do citations and the reference list? Google Dianna Hacker MLA in order to get help with MLA, or ask us here at EssayForum.

:-)

Undergraduate / Interdisciplinary Humanities, U OF SAN DIEGO Transfer Student Personal Statement [5]

Your writing is excellent! You should feel confident about the writing and lucky about having the network of brain activity that you developed during primary school.

Here is a way to make the thesis statement more substantial:
...but ultimately through this excursion, my educational goals have become clear. They include _____, _____, and _________.

Mother should not be capitalized unless you are using it to name what you called her (i.e. I asked Mother if I could...) When you write "my mother" it should be a lower case m

Throughout my time spent at COC, I've learned more than just the subject matter taught in my classes. but What is more important is that these classes unveiled my passion for writing and political debates.

Nice ending!!!!!!

Undergraduate / Psychology Undergrad: Work Experience as Laser tech [4]

You have an incomplete sentence here:
Like most other kids from the 80's, I had an almost mystical fascination with lasers -- beautiful beams of powerful light that could blind you in an instant or bind you under the spell of intensity.

I merged 2 with a dash and got rid of a comma.

In that first para, you should add a "hook" sentence before the 2 sentences of the para and a thesis sentence after them. So, add a sentence to the beginning and end of that para. Let the thesis statement be something thoughtful about the implications of this fact about you.

What is up with that single-sentence paragraph about what the job consisted of? Let that be part of the next paragraph.

I suggest this:

para #2
Like most other kids from the 80's, I had an almost mystical fascination with lasers. Beautiful beams of powerful light, that could blind you in an instant or bind you under the spell of intensity. And here was a company willing to let ME manhandle lasers THOUSANDS of times more powerful (and expensive) than I had dreamed of playing with as a child. So powerful, infact , that we would sometimes use the lasers to light our cigarettes (thereby, as the joke at work went, using the world's most expensive cigarette lighters).

The job consisted of setting up lasers for concerts, corporate events and other public and private functions. It was physically challenging work, hauling 150 pound power supplies, water coolers, hoses, and laser heads up and down flights of stairs and scaffolding. I loved the intense exercise, everyday left me sweaty, dirty and enthusiastically looking forward to the next day at work.

Research Papers / Death Penalty Research paper (it should be banned) [10]

Looks like you are missing some info from the pro side. Google this:
capital punishment morally required. There are some good articles about it... some people say it is immoral not to have the death penalty, and when you can explain why, you are ready to write a good argument against capital punishment.

I don't agree that life in prison is a worse punishment.

Section 2 is going to be tough to write, because it needs to include the info from sections 3 and 4! I think you should simplify:
I intro with thesis statement
II Overview and background
III Arguments aganst
IV Arguments for
V Case examples
VI Conclusion with restatement of thesis

Scholarship / Community Influence Scholarship Essay; 'Coaching has greatly affected my life' [4]

Boring first sentence. Also, the first paragraph is too short. Give an attention grabbing sentence at the start, than some explanation, then some elaboration. Finally, say something MEANINGFUL and descriptive about that activity you're writing about at the end of para #1.

There is no need to name the coach; it wastes words and distracts the reader.

Writing about basketball is probably not going to win you the scholarship. Sports are too common, and the teamwork you discuss is very common. I suggest this:

I was involved in rec basketball for all of middle school. From fifth to eighth grade, the basketball program, from coaches to teammates, influenced me to be better and try harder. Basketball instilled in me the importance of working with others towards a goal and the importance of hard work.

When I reached High School and did not make the team freshman year I was disappointed, thinking I would be losing this important part of my life. However, in the fall of my sophomore year I called my coach...

overcome is one word

...averaging one basket per game, showing me that...

Add more philosophical discussion about the significance of the work you did with these kids, and tell a little about what it has to do with your chosen field of study.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Photographs/ Reminisce about the past ; Classification Essay [6]

You write very well. Your sentence structure is sophisticated and varied. This is very good:
Not rare at all are the photographs where people feel okay with the way they look.

Your thesis is also very good, and so are those topic sentences that begin the paragraphs.

Little improvements can be made... like this:
the photographs in which people look awful.

People guard these photographs with their lives, and they often feel these photos could have made it into a professional model's portfolio.--- this is an excellent way to describe something!! I want to talk to you teacher! How could this have gotten a bad grade? What were points taken off for? if you didn't follow instructions it is your fault, but... sometimes teachers dock points without a good reason. Always make your teachers explain why they deduct points!!

in which:
pictures in which they look okay in their albums, those in which they ...

I suggest making the last paragraph of any essay at least 5 sentences long, so that it is full of reflection.

:-) please check out the EF Contributor page!! (link at bottom of screen). You write very well; don't let any teachers tell you otherwise!